Natasha snapped back to reality with a gasp, unwilling to put herself through the rest of the memory. She brushed tears off her face that she hadn't realized were falling. Closing her eyes she pictured Kristoffs face, so kind and warm. "I'm sorry," she whispered, "I'm so sorry." Taking a deep breath she stood and paced her room. Kristoff had been a fool to get involved with her. When they took him, he hadn't stood a chance, he didn't even fight. She had screamed for him to fight, begged him to resist but he hadn't. It just wasn't in him. She kicked her bed angrily.
Natasha's emotions spun inside her like a roller coaster. She felt grief, love, anger and disgust, both at herself and at Kristoff until suddenly one feeling overtook the rest. She longed with a deep ferocity to be with Steve. Where was he? She listened hard for him, but all she got was silence. Her stomach seemed to turn inside out with dread. She needed to find him, and now. She concentrated on him with all her might, but utter silence was all she found. Bursting out of her room she ran down the hallway to the main room. Tony and Vision were sitting on a couch, both looked up alarmed as she flew into the room.
"Where is Steve?"
"I haven't seen him, why what's wrong?" Vision asked, standing up.
"I don't know, I just… I just need to find him." She left the room quickly, running down the hallway and poking her head in every door. "Steve?!"
Finally she made it to the training room, and burst through the doors. There sitting next to Wanda, was the man she had been looking for. Both of them looked up at her startled, taking in her now red face and clenched fists.
Steve leapt to his feet immediately, listening to the thoughts and emotions raging in her head. He turned to Wanda and said softly, "It would seem that it works." He motioned her out of the room, and Wanda quickly left, sparing Natasha a look of compassion as she went. Natasha's eyes hadn't left Steve once.
"Where. Were. You." Natasha asked through gritted teeth, her hands still balled into fists.
"I've been right here Nat," he said cautiously. She blanched at his words, her face filling with color. "God Steve, I never thought you would LIE. I couldn't hear you! I can ALWAYS hear you."
Steve nodded, "I know, I'm sorry, I know that must have been-"
"You don't know! You have no idea what I was thinking, what I've been through to make me this way." Steve didn't even blink at her outburst, only looked at her with confusion, which only added fuel to her anger. He tilted his head, listening to try to understand her, but the true source of her anger wasn't him, so he couldn't hear her clearly. He shook his head, frustrated, "All I know is that you're angry Nat, you want to tell me what this is about? Or better yet let me explain where I was?"
Natasha suddenly felt mortified. She must look certifiably insane. She shut down, her voice going flat. "No, let's practice." Natasha stepped over to the sparring mat.
"I don't think that's a good idea Natasha… Why don't we talk?"
"I don't want to Steve. Get on the mat."
"Natasha... " Steve approached her and reached out to touch her shoulder but Natasha grabbed his hand quick as lightning and threw him to his back. "Just shut up and fight Steve!"
He sat up, irritated, his voice beginning to raise, "Nat just tell me what this is all about!" She charged him, but he saw her coming. Sweeping her feet out from under her, she landed with a thud on her back next to him for a split second before she was up again, fists raised. He looked at her, completely bewildered until a new emotion overtook him, Natasha's emotion. She was desperate, desperately hoping that he would put up a fight, that she could provoke a show of strength from him. Somehow, for some reason, she needed him to fight. He wasn't even sure she knew that's what she was feeling, it was so subtle. He stood, never taking his eyes off of her. She was a complicated person, but he loved her. If a fight was what she needed, he would give her the fight of her life.
He lunged towards her, catching her by surprise and tackling her around her middle. Throwing her weight backward she kept him from knocking her over, raining hammer punches down on his head and shoulders. He gritted his teeth, she wasn't hitting him as hard as he knew she could, but she certainly wasn't being gentle. He let go of her and she swung at him, but he blocked it. He blocked and dodged several more, unwilling to throw any at her. She ran and leapt at him, tangling her legs around his head and shoulders, using her weight to pull him to the ground. He hit the mat hard on his side, and she was quickly on top of him. It was all he could to to guard his face. He threw her off him, rolling so he was on top and pinning her arms to her sides.
"Natasha enough!"
She wriggled out from under him, landing a kick at the center of his chest before leaping to her feet. He stood quickly as she came at him, and with super speed caught her punches before they landed, his fingers wrapping tightly around her small wrists.
"Come on!" she yelled at him, tears welling in her eyes as she struggled against his grip. Steve was done. Before she could twist away or kick him, he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her in close to him. She beat at his chest, truly crying now. Her breathing came too rapidly, her strikes growing weaker and weaker as she gave in to Steve's embrace. Her head fell to his shoulder as she silently wept.
"Nat, just breathe ok? Take deep breaths, everyone is ok, I'm ok, you're safe, everything is good."
Cautiously, Steve released her waist and gently tried to turn her face towards him "Nat? Nat please just tell me what happened."
Natasha wrapped her arms around Steve, resolutely keeping her head buried in his chest. He stroked her hair, holding her as she shook. Natasha could feel Steve growing cold with fear, her severe reaction making him think something terrible had happened. A chill shook her, she had to tell him.
Tell me what? Came Steve's thought in her mind, gentle, but urgent.
I hope that after you see this, you can still love me… She thought at him. With a flash of fear and then determination, she opened her preciously guarded vault of memories and let the story of Kristoff flow into his mind. She spared no details, exhausted at the thought of trying to keep any more secrets, of trying to bear it alone. She kept her face resolutely tucked into his shoulder, terrified to look at his expression.
As Steve listened, his arms wrapped more and more tightly around her, her strange behavior suddenly falling into place. By the time Natasha got to the day of Kristoffs capture, Natasha's arms had wrapped, vice-like around Steve, as though by holding Steve she could save Kristoff, could keep Steve from ever coming to harm on her account.
"He didn't even fight," she cried, voice muffled, "He just stood there staring at me like an idiot until they took him." She pulled up Kristoffs face so both of them could see, and Steve flinched at the look of horror and betrayal on the other man's face. Natasha shuddered, and involuntarily morphed Kristoffs face to Steve's. Their eyes were so similar.
"No," Steve said firmly, "That won't happen to us." He paused, "Nat, what happened to you after that day?"
She turned her face to the side, "They disowned me for the betrayal of my country. He broke under questioning, told them I told him my name."
"Natalia."
She shuddered, "Please don't call me that. I can't be called that ever again."
Steve paused, "What does the KGB do to agents they disown?"
Natasha was silent.
"Nat, show me. Get it off your chest."
Slowly, Natasha showed him the memory. Steve suddenly felt like his skin was on fire, his eye swollen shut. Blood dripped off his fingers and he shuddered with fever, hot and cold on the floor of his cell. Natasha shut the memory down, unwilling to show him more.
Steve pulled away from her, his hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look at him. He struggled for words, but couldn't find any. Natasha gave him a sad smile, "There's nothing to say. I know." Steve sat down on the mat, Natasha following his lead. She leaned up against him and he put his arms around her.
"How… how did you survive?"
She smiled at the floor, "Clint. Shield somehow found out about my work with Kristoff and sent Clint to stop me. Too late unfortunately. He had orders to kill me, but when he found me in that state he wanted to know the whole story. He brought me back to Shield, convinced the Director to clean me up and question me, and for once in my life, I told them the truth. I've been indebted to Shield ever since that day." They sat in silence for a minute before Natasha continued, "I owe Kristoff my life. Because he was captured and I was punished, my life was saved and I got the chance to start over. It doesn't seem right. I owe Clint my life, I owe you my life, and I will never, never be able to repay all of you. I changed my name to Natasha when I joined Shield, not so different from my old name that I would forget who I really am, but different enough so that I would be able to start over. But I feel like no matter how hard I try, the past will always haunt me. Being with you has been like a beautiful, terrible deja vu, because I keep waiting for the end of the story. I know what happens to people who get close to me. Yet, I selfishly just want to be with you Steve, even though it will inevitably put you in danger. It would seem I haven't changed very much"
Steve was quiet, his mind running through everything she had told him. She looked at him anxiously. He turned to her, "This is what you've been trying to keep from me?" Natasha nodded slowly. "You've been hiding this for months? How? Did you figure out how to block me out?"
Natasha shrugged, embarrassed, "I just compartmentalized it. Used all my willpower to not think about it while you were nearby. It was harder when you did and said things that reminded me of him, but I just would focus really hard on something else."
"Until you got so worn down that you broke under the weight of it. Natasha, this is what I was afraid of with our connection! It isn't healthy for you!"
"Well what about you! I never hear you comparing me to Peggy! Where do you put those memories?" Steve's face went blank, and Natasha immediately regretted her words.
"I'm sorry. I've just wondered."
Steve shook his head, "No you're right. I guess I'm doing the same thing. But with Peggy I keep mostly good memories, up until the end. So it doesn't hurt as much."
"It doesn't make you want to pick a fight with me?" Natasha's voice was dry with self deprecating sarcasm.
Steve smiled, "I understand why you did."
"Really? Because I'm still trying to work that one out…" Steve looked at her, surprised.
"Kristoff…" Steve paused when she cringed at his name, "He was a good man, but he didn't have the strength to survive you." Natasha flinched at his words, and Steve hastily went on to explain, "I don't mean that the way it sounds. Natasha, he was a civilian. You have never been a civilian, and any man that is going to survive and thrive alongside you will need to be able to keep up with you. You fought with me because you needed to see that I can. And I can Nat."
"When I couldn't hear you I thought…" Tears fell unbidden down her cheek, and she wiped them away in exasperation, "Steve I betrayed him. I knew he was good and I manipulated his feelings and got him killed. Don't you ever doubt me?"
"Natasha, I can literally hear your thoughts. I am in a unique position to be able to trust you one hundred percent." Steve got up from the mat and went over to his bag, "I got you something today."
"What?"
"I got you something while I was out this morning," he said as he came and sat back down facing her, his knees touching hers.
"I just told you I betrayed a man and sent him to his death, and instead of considering whether I am the woman for you, you buy me a present? Steve, I know I cracked and picked a fight with you and all, but I seriously think you're the crazy one."
Steve laughed, "To be fair I bought it before you lost it, and it's relevant to the conversation, I promise." He handed her a long rectangular box the size of his palm. Natasha looked at it, touched and uncertain. "Open it."
Natasha opened the box and her eyes widened at the contents. Inside was a bracelet, with a delicate silver chain and a star shaped charm in the center. She looked at it, and then at Steve, letting her emotions flood over to him. He smiled, "It's more than it seems to be." He took the box from her and removed the bracelet, fastening it around her wrist. "The metal is vibranium, I had Stark grind a little off the edges of my shield and melt it down." Natasha began to protest but Steve cut her off, "It wasn't much, the shield is fine. The point is, it won't break. Not even on a mission. After I had it made I had Wanda try a few things. She's been concerned about the weight of our connection as much as I am. I've had her pressing you to try to build that wall but she said you wouldn't do it. But I think we've found a compromise."
Natasha looked at the beautiful bracelet and back to Steve, "What do you mean?"
"This bracelet is your shield now. Wanda has infused power into it. When you touch the star with the intention of using it, it will shield you from me."
Natasha looked at him in horror, "Steve, that isn't what I want! I want to be open! No more secrets!"
Steve shook his head and took her hands, "Nat this open connection will only make us suffer. What if we go on a mission and learn compromising information that we can't share? Information that could hurt the other person? And Nat, I feel as though I am stealing pieces of your mind, pieces that were safe for you before I came in. You should have been able to tell me about Kristoff when you were ready, not when the weight of keeping it to yourself became too much to bear! With this, you can use it when you need to, and I will feel better about this whole thing."
Natasha looked at him, trying to understand. "You want me to keep things from you?"
"No, but I would rather you keep things from me if it means that when you do share, it's because you really want to."
Natasha fingered the star experimentally, then pressed it. She felt the safe haven around her immediately. She looked at him, "What am I thinking?" Steve shook his head with a smile. Natasha frowned, "Steve, I can't use this if you don't have one too." He smiled and nodded, pulling a long chain with an identical star at the end from around his neck, "I thought you might say that."
"That's why I couldn't find you!"
"Yes, I'm sorry it startled you. When your shield is up I can't hear your thoughts or feel your emotions, but I can hear if you choose to speak to me in your mind. It works the same for me"
Natasha fingered the chain, "Why did you choose a star?" Steve smiled sheepishly, "I'm glad you can't read my thoughts right now."
"What? Tell me! Why a star?"
Steve sighed, "It sounded better in my head, saying it out loud it sounds… I don't know."
"Because America?" Natasha teased, "To match your uniform?"
"No! Ok fine. I chose the star because… All those nights we spent on the roof, just talking and confiding in each other, they are some of the most peaceful memories I have. The stars were out and I just thought… I want that peace for you, that light. I want to bring that to your life, and sometimes that will mean compromise. The star reminds me of that."
Natasha's face grew serious and thoughtful. Steve waited, unable to hear her thoughts as she formed them. Finally she spoke, "And do I… I know my past has been an obstacle. I know I can be… complicated. Do I bring light to your life Steve? Honestly?"
Steve looked at her in astonishment. "Natasha have I not…" He massaged his forehead in distress, "Wait a minute ok? Just give me a minute to collect my thoughts."
Natasha looked at him, bewildered. Steve sat with his eyes closed for a moment, then opened them, startlingly blue. He looked at her as if memorizing her, taking in every detail of her face. Natasha squirmed, uncomfortable. Steve sighed, "Ok." He reached up and pressed his finger to the star on his chain. Suddenly Natasha was flooded with an image. She saw in her mind's eye, a perfect memory of herself, only it was odd. Like a piece of art that is made up of many smaller images, this image seemed to shimmer and move with memories. Look closer…
Natasha looked, leaning forward to see her own eyes. Like a movie played on double speed, Natasha watched Steve's memories of her eyes. She saw the twinkle of mischief when she teased him, the hard concentration they took on when she sparred with him, the wide vulnerability when she confided in him. Looking down Natasha saw her mouth, and the memory of her kiss, her laugh, the tone of her voice. In her arms she saw her own strength, the hands that would kill for him, would soothe him. She saw the sharpness of her mind, her tactical skills, her wit, her depth. She looked at it all, and Steve had everything stored in his memory, all the way from the smell of her hair to the yearning in her soul for true goodness. You don't bring light to my life Natasha, you ARE the light in my life. Nat.. I-
Wait.
Steve looked at her, she was dry eyed, but flushed. She thought to him again, You want me to wear this so that when I share with you, it's because I want to. Right?
Steve nodded. Natasha took a deep breath, then touched the star on her wrist, turning off her shield. I love you, I love you, I love you… Natasha's heart echoed the words and they reverberated through Steve's mind. His mouth dropped and he stared at her as he listened. Quickly he stood up and paced a few steps, rubbing his eyes and clearing his throat when he had his back turned. He turned to face her.
"Are you serious?"
Natasha shrugged, embarrassed. Steve's eyebrows furrowed, "Nat. I need to hear you say it." He knelt in front of her and brushed her hair out of her face so he could put his hand on her cheek. "I need to hear it, or I can tell myself I dreamed it. Please Natasha."
Natasha's face was steadily growing redder, but she looked him directly in the eyes. "Steve Rogers, I love you. I would be a fool not to."
For a moment, all that could be heard in the room was silence. Steve pulled her in abruptly and crushed her in a heavy hug. They stayed there, wrapped in each others embrace, minds open and in perfect understanding and complete acceptance. I love you Natasha Romanoff. We are strong together, and together we will face whatever comes.