Is This Love?

Chapter Six

Perplexing Punishment

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"Here", he says handing me a cup with water inside, "Drink this."

"Geez Shorty. Took you long enough to get a sick girl some water.", I say, my words dripping with sarcasm.

He sits there stunned at my sudden change in behavior.

I take the cup from him. "Thank you, Levi.", I say before taking a few gulps of the cold liquid.

He sighs and looks at me somewhat softly, "You're welcome. [F/N]."

~ *•* ~ *•* ~ *•* ~

[Y/N]'s- POV

I sit down at the table and place my empty water cup down. Levi sits down next to me.

"So", he says breaking the silence, "You want to actually tell me why you're in here at this hour drinking away by yourself?"

"Ahh... Yeah... Well, you were right before. It was an unpleasant dream."

After a moment of silence I glance over at Levi. He looks over at me.

"Well", he asks, "Are you not going to tell me about the dream?"

"...Uhm... I-I don't know. I don't really want anyone else to know..."

"Look," he says looking away from me, "If you don't want to talk about it, I understand. But if you don't talk about it with someone, it'll eat you up. Trust me, I know."

I look down then look straight ahead and sigh. "Alright. Uhm... I had a dream about the day Sh-Shiganshina fell. I heard.. all the screams. I was in this empty place. I-I couldn't talk or move, I couldn't even breathe. I was helpless and-… and hopeless. I heard all the voices. I couldn't drown them out. I was lost."

I glance over at Levi out of the corner of my eye. I can tell he's trying to hide it, but I can see the confusion on his face.

I sigh and continue. "I was there. I used to live in Shiganshina; me, my father, mother, and younger brother. They were killed that day. Crushed inside our house by a big piece of the wall that had been kicked. But I survived. That's why I'm here. I want to fight. But every once and a while I'll have a thought or even a dream of that day. So many people lost their lives. I guess it's still with me; haunting me in a way."

The room goes silent. I don't know what else to say. I haven't told anyone what happened that day; my side of the story. I don't really know why I'm telling this short-tempered captain of all people.

"I wasn't there."

I turn to look at Levi as he continued talking.

"I was gone the day Shiganshina fell. The scouts were out on a mission. We weren't here to help anyone. Thousands of people died and I wasn't there. That fact haunts me. But I never want that to happen again."

He looks down for but a moment in silence before continuing.

"So I train. I train so I can do my job; protecting the people in the walls and putting an end to the titans' reign."

I look down.

"I never realized-…", I think to myself, "I guess it's understandable for him to feel bad about not being there. It's just weird for me to see him as, I don't know, more human. This conversation doesn't feel like a soldier talking to her superior. It feels like one terrified girl talking to a guilty boy. It's refreshing in a way."

"Things happen."

I'm brought back to reality as Levi breaks the silence.

"Mistakes are made. But we can't change them. We just have to try not to make those mistakes again."

"Hope we won't regret the choices we make in the future?"

Levi looks over at me and nods hesitantly. "Y-Yeah. Exactly like that."

I smile at him. We've been talking about that day this whole time and I haven't felt guilty, sad, or full of worry. I think I'm feeling at peace. I can't remember the last time I really felt that way.

"I assume you're well now?"

I nod and chuckle. "Yes, I don't feel like puking anymore."

"That's not what I meant."

I tilt my head in confusion.

"Would you be able to sleep? Or would you have that dream again?"

"He... He meant feeling well mentally...", I think to myself.

I give a small smile before answering, "Yeah. I'm good now."

Levi stands up and faces me. "I'll walk you back. It's late and you'll need sleep for tomorrow."

"Awww", I groan, "You can't give me the day off? I can't call in sick?"

Levi glares at me without saying a word.

I sigh, "Yeah, I thought so."

Levi holds out his hand and looks away. "Let's go."

I take his hand and he slowly helps me up.

He walks me all the way from the mess hall to my door.

"Go to sleep", Levi says somewhat coldly, "I don't need a sluggish soldier at training tomorrow."

"Yeah yeah, I get it", I say sarcastically before smiling a little, "Thank you, Captain."

He nods.

"Goodnight, Levi", I say as I open my door.

"Goodnight [F/N]."

~ *•* ~ *•* ~ *•* ~

"[F/N]- Hey! [F/N]! Get up, please..!"

I struggle to open my eyes so I can figure out who is screaming and why I'm shaking so much.

"Oh good! Your eyes are open! Finally!"

I attempt to sit up but fail miserably. I fall back onto the bed and take my hands to my forehead. The headache I have is ridiculous.

"[F/N]? You okay?"

My eyes remain closed but I answer, "Yeah, Harper. I'll be good."

"O-Okay good", Harper responds, "Because training kinda starts in ten minutes…"

My eyes burst open. "What?! Harper! Why didn't you wake me sooner?!"

"I-I tried!", Harper stutters as she gets me my clean shirt and pants, "You wouldn't budge. I'm sorry. I tried like five different times."

I begrudgingly pull myself away from the covers and grab the clothes Harper hands to me. "Thank you for getting me up."

I slide the clothes on with my eyes almost completely closed. The light was what was hurting most. I didn't have time to go get any kind of medicine or water either. Just getting the training gear on takes me forever and a half.

As I finish buttoning the last button on my shirt, Harper hurries over to me holding my odm gear. "Here ya go."

"Thank you, Harper", I say with a small smile as I begin the struggle of untangling straps and tightening belts.

Harper starts helping me by strapping my left leg while I work on the straps on my right leg.

"They should really make these easier to get on", Harper says somewhat sarcastically as she untangles two straps.

I'm just struggling to stay upright and keep my eyes open, so all I do is give a simple nod.

Harper and I get out to the training ground right as a bunch of Scout Veterans were making their way out.

"Made it", Harper whispers.

I give her a quick smile before looking back towards the Vets walking towards all the new recruits who were lined up. I notice a few who are higher up in the ranks. Section Commander Hange Zoe and their squad was there. Commander Erwin was there too. And to his left was Captain Levi. There were a few others but I either didn't know their names or couldn't see them clearly enough. The sun really wasn't helping my splitting headache either.

Commander Erwin gives his usually 'New Recruit, Offer Your Hearts' speech before explaining what training we'd be doing today. I tried so hard to focus, but it just wasn't working. Before I knew it the Commander stopped talking and the recruits began to scatter. I just stood there like a lost puppy.

I rubbed my eyes, trying to make it seem like I didn't just wake up. I hear the dirt crunching; footsteps. I look up to see someone standing in front of me. Since I had just been rubbing my eyes, all I saw were lights and stars, so I couldn't make out who it was at first.

"Oi. What are you still doing here? Erwin will notice you not going to your spot."

"Captain..? That's you, right…?"

I just hear a disappointed sigh. "D*mn idiot."

I feel someone grab my arm.

"Erwin', Levi shouts, "This stubborn hardheaded moron is sick but won't admit it. I'm taking her to get some medicine."

"L-Levi…", I mumble, "I'm fine. I didn't come out here for you to treat me like a baby."

I feel his grip on my forearm tighten. "I'm not treating you like a baby. I'm treating you like the fool you are. You don't get to participate. I'm not being nice; it's a punishment for you."

Levi guides me, although drags is a better word, all the way to a small room in the mess hall. I may not be able to open my eyes all the way, but I know where we are. We're in the room where I exploded in Levi's face a little while ago. Not a room full of pleasant memories.

"I'll look for something to help with your headache", he says rather coldly, "You just lay down."

Without thinking twice, I climb into one of the beds and lay my head on the pillow. My eyes immediately close.

After a few moments filled with noise of cabinet doors opening and closing, the Captain breaks the silence. "You aren't talkative today."

Without budging or opening my eyes I respond, "No sh*t, Sherlock."

I hear a cabinet door close loudly. "Still as rude as always I see."

"I thought that's what you wanted, Shorty."

"Do you want this medicine or not", he asks somewhat angrily.

I slowly sit up and nod my head.

He walks over and hands me a small medicine bottle. His brows are obviously furrowed.

"Want me to stop calling you that..?"

"Tch. Do what you want."

I smirk after he turns he back towards me.

I take the medicine the captain handed me and close the bottle tight. He walks over to me to retrieve the medicine bottle.

"Levi…?"

"What is it", he asks as he walks to a nearby cabinet and puts the bottle away.

I lay back down, pull the blankets up to my shoulders, and roll over facing away from him. "I thought you told me I couldn't have a sick day…"

The room went quiet.

After a few moments I decided to break the silence. "You alive over there?"

I hear a small sigh. "I already said it, brat. This isn't a 'sick day', this is punishment."

"And how pray tell is this punishment?" I didn't realize what he told Erwin was the truth; now I was confused.

"You don't get to participate", he answers bluntly, "Everyone else is improving while you are in here in bed. You don't get to train. This is your punishment for being an idiot."

I can't help but giggle.

"You got something to say, newbie?" His tone sounds somewhat angry.

I continue to have my back to the captain, "No no. It's just, why do you think this would be punishment? Anyone would give up a day of training to stay in bed."

"Not you."

I catch my breath for but a moment. "Wh-What...?"

"You heard me, brat."

Lines form between my brows in confusion. "And how would you know this would be a punishment for me?"

"I've seen how you are", he responds, "Training is very important to you. You are always trying to get better. I do have an idea of why that is. But I know something like this would ultimately be a punishment for you, because deep down you want to be out there working."

I'm speechless. He's figured it out- my whole reason for existing. I won't deny my love of sleep; but I do want to get better, and training is how I do that. Training will allow me to live. And training will make titans fall. I will make titans fall. Levi is right; ultimately, this is a punishment.

"Hey, brat, you alive over there?"

I can't help but let out a quiet chuckle.

"Guess not", he says sarcastically.

I hear creaking behind me. I'm guessing Levi sat down on the bed next to the one I'm on.

"You were awake until late too, right Captain?"

"And?" He sounded a little agitated for some reason.

"I was just wondering if you were tired. If you stayed up late, I think you should be 'punished' in here with me."

The room was silent.

I roll over quietly and see him sitting on the bed with his back to me. I watch him cautiously lay down on the bed. He's motionless.

How many hours of sleep has he had recently? Has he even slept recently? And has he actually fallen asleep over there?

I slowly sit up in bed, trying not to make the bed creak. The light still hurts my eyes, but now I'm curious. I sling one leg off the bed and then the other. I stand up while making minimal noise. Levi doesn't move.

I sneak towards Levi. Normally he is stern and angry. I wonder what he's like when asleep.

I walk around the edge of the bed the captain is sleeping on and sneak cautiously towards his face. He seems a little tense, but his facial expression seems softer. I can't remember the last time his brows were relaxed and he wasn't wearing a frown. His arms are slightly crossed: one was rested atop the other. His hair, which was a little messy, was slightly covering his eyes. I lean over to get a closer look. His face looks so smooth.

"This is so weird", I thought, "I'm never this close."

I can feel his gentle breath on my face. He seems so relaxed and calm.

"Aghh-!"

Before I knew what was happening, Levi was grasping my shirt collar and glaring into my eyes. My face was not even a centimeter away from his; I felt his hot breath on my face. My eyes are wide and my face is warm. My hair falls as I stare down into his dusty blue eyes.

"What are you doing, brat?" He says each word as if it was its own threat.

My mouth formed words but no sound came out. I didn't even know what I was doing! I was just… curious.

His grip on my shirt tightens and his jaw tenses.

"Answer the d*mn question, soldier."

"….You were just.. really beautiful. A-And so relaxed. …I wanted a… closer look."

I notice a small gleam in his eye for but a second. I blink twice hoping my answer was sufficient. After all, it was the truth.

"[F/N]", he lets go of my shirt collar, softens his glare, and brushes the hair away from my eye, "Why-… You make me so… confused."