CHAPTER FOUR
"Can I know your name?"...
She sighed.
If anything that had happened so far had proven to be any good for her... It had to be that day. That day when she took the initiative to ask him his name standing at his doorstep. She shivered a sliver, a disturbing idea crossing through her mind for a brief, heart wrenching moment.
If she had not asked him his name that day...
Sighing heavily, she slumped onto the polished black wood top of the kotatsu. She looked around at the brightly illuminated room. The white walls contrasted against the dark sky through the glass door of the balcony. Softly tapping the nails of her fingers on the top of the polished table, she absorbed the loud sound of clattering dishes echoing from the kitchen.
She thought about the events of the day. Today had indeed been, an incredibly interesting day for her. First, she had met a new man who, for a glimpse of a moment, vanquished the empty hole in her heart. A man who had banished the overwhelming shades of gray that had invaded her life. They later had taken a stroll in the beautiful blossoming garden of Shinjuku. They had spent wonderful quality time together just doing what people should do together. At least... she had spent a wonderful time.
Internally hoping that he had enjoyed himself as much as she did, she perched her chin on the palm of her hand. Gazing off into the evening sky, she admired the beautiful shades. Streaks of deep blueberry indigo and light lavender purple streaked across the sky as if it had been painted by a painter's delicate hands. Thinking to herself, she smiled softly in satisfaction.
"You seem happy." came a soft voice.
Turning her head around, Mitsuha glanced at the man standing on the tiled floor a few meters away. There were two trays of steaming food in each of his hands. He looked at her with a face of slight curiosity. Mitsuha smirked amusingly. Snickering momentarily, she then proceeded to answer him.
"You seem to have noticed." she spoke sarcastically.
He rolled his eyes and approached her. He placed down the trays on the top of the table, one in front of Mitsuha and the other right on the spot to her left. She shifted her posture and slipped her knees under her thighs to sit in the formal manner she had been taught to sit in as a child.
"How many times do I have to tell you?" asked the man in annoyance.
Mitsuha glanced at him and pouted the right corner of mouth casting a glance away from him.
"I should be polite, shouldn't I?" spoke Mitsuha through a childish pout.
"You look like a statue and I don't want to eat with a statue." He spoke again.
"Alright Mitsuki-" she spoke with a playful tone in her voice. The man closed his eyes and sighed while Mitsuha seated herself comfortably at the kotatsu. She stared at the steaming food in front of her and admittedly, it made her feel hungrier than she should have. They clapped their hands together and both said in unison.
"Itadakimasu."
Mitsuha picked up her chopsticks between her fingers. Taking a piece of fish between the pieces of wood, she quickly plopped it into her mouth. She looked at the man adjacent to her. A bowl of rice in his hand, he was chewing away peacefully at his own food. He had switched out of his initial black formal wear into a more comfortable set of clothing. Wearing a white shirt, black pants and a hooded cardigan of nearly the same shade, he continued eating his food in absolute silence.
Returning her gaze towards her own food, she frowned momentarily and then spoke.
"Say, Mitsuki... remember how we first met?"
The man looked at her momentarily with a bland gaze. Picking up some rice between his chopsticks, he began eating again.
"That time your keys fell out of your pants?"
Mitsuha cringed internally. Quickly masking her displeasure with an awkward smile, she replied to him.
"Ah-, yeah-ha... That time my keys fell out of my pants.."
"Yeah, I remember. What about it?" he inquired lazily, his attention still towards his food. Mitsuha's awkward smile disappeared and was replaced with a modestly serious expression.
"What do you think about it?" she asked him.
He stopped chewing. Glancing at Mitsuha through the corner of his eyes, he chewed a couple of times steadily. Swallowing his mouthful of food, he heaved a sigh and placed his bowl back onto the tray. Placing his cream colored wooden chopsticks next to the bowl, he tilted his head towards Mitsuha. Gazing at her with an analytical expression, he stared at her intently.
"What's going on in that head of yours?" inquired Mitsuki.
Mitsuha shied away like a cat and turned her head away from him. She shielded herself from his eagle like stare.
"I-... I was, uh, just thinking about some things." she began. Turning her head cautiously, she braved his intent gaze and returned her own eye contact. He nodded in an acknowledging manner which requested her to elaborate further. She pouted momentarily before continuing.
"I was just thinking about..." began Mitsuha. She paused for a moment.
"Thinking about the past?" completed Mitsuki.
Mitsuha nodded her head slowly in reply to his inquiry. The man sighed slowly and closed his eyes. He slumped back placing his arms behind him and resting his weight on his palms. He stared up at the white ceiling.
A heavy and deep silence fell onto the two.
"It's painful thinking about it, isn't it?" he finally spoke.
Mitsuha inhaled slowly. Exhaling heavily, she slumped in agreement to his comment. She glanced at Mitsuki momentarily and then spoke softly.
"It is painful, but sometimes... it also makes me happy? It's a bit stupid actually. Makes me think... it's all in my head." she spoke.
"It is in your head." He stated. Mitsuha shot him a questioning look with a slight amount of hurt. Obliging to her expression, he continued.
"This entire world is in your head Mitsuha." he spoke, he sat upright once more and picked up his bowl in his hand. Taking the wooden chopsticks between his fingers, he tore a piece of fish and stuffed it in his mouth.
"Even the fact that I'm talking to you right now is in your head. The fact that you're talking to me is in my head." Chewing slowly, he swallowed. Blinking slowly, he took another piece of fish in between his chopsticks.
"But whether it's in your head, or whether it's real or not does not matter. The experiences we've been through are very real to us, and that's what matters... We've all been through shit in life Mitsuha. It doesn't matter if it's real or not, we've all been through pain." said Mitsuki in a firm, serious tone. He looked to his left and gazed out the window into the night sky. Taking in the vastness of it, he continued with a hitch in his voice.
"I... I've been through a whole lot of pain Mitsuha." he spoked, pain leaking out of his voice. He paused and then continued. "You've-... been through a whole lot of pain. We've all gone through our own pains in life, haven't we?" he asked softly.
"It's just that we usually don't believe that other people go through the same pain that we go through. We all like to think we're born special. However, that's not true." He stated. Plopping some cooked fish into his mouth he returned his gaze to his left at the dark night sky. Chewing on his food, and taking a moment to swallow, he continued speaking softly once more.
"We're all the same. We're all born on the same world."
Mitsuha felt a warm feeling spread through her heart as she listened intently and calmly.
"We all go through different situations in our lives that are presented to us. The situations I go through in this life are for me and only me to realize from..." He paused momentarily before continuing.
"The situations you go through are for you and only you to realize from..." A soft smile broke her intent gaze as she hummed in reply.
"But... we all suffer in the end Mitsuha. There's no difference in how the pain feels. Pain is pain, everybody understands it. The only difference... is that some people... understand more pain." He spoke. Pulling his gaze off the night sky, he turned and stared at Mitsuha directly.
"We can't control what the world decides to drop on our heads at what time. We can only bear the pain the world decides to put us through right then and right there. Acceptance of our pain is the only way to move forward in this life. If we can't accept our pain, we can't move forward. If we can't move forward, we'll only continue to suffer on this world." He stated firmly. Returning his gaze to his food, he plopped another bite into his mouth and started muching away once more.
Mitsuha gazed at him for a long intense moment.
He just...
He just knew what she went through.
And he was the only one who did so.
She remembered a day, the day that he had shown her a glimpse of light...
Her door bell rung.
Quickly wiping her eyes she hurried to the door and opened it slowly. She peeped through the crack of the door and saw him standing there in his usual black attire. The rain poured in the background as the sound of the drops splattering everywhere echoed around her. She looked down and notiched a bag in his hand.
She raised an eyebrow in questioning as she opened the door completely and stood in front of him, only separated by the frame of the door.
He raised the bag in his hand.
"Cake. For you." he spoke, his face as bland as ever.
"Eh?"
He extended the bag in his hand towards Mitsuha. Carefully taking the bag from him, she looked inside and saw a couple of boxes with a various assortment of cakes. There were chocolate ones, vanilla cakes with creamy light layer of frosting. Her tongue started to water despite her teary eyes. She continued to gaze at the cakes in the plastic boxes. She pressed her hand to the boxes and felt warmth seep from them. Her eyebrow raised momentarily unable to understand why they were warm.
"I made them." He spoke in a dull tone.
"Huh?" Mitsuha shot a surprised face at him. She glanced at the cakes and then returned her gaze towards him. "But... You usually just buy... store bought-"
"I know I usually do." He interrupted her swiftly, he curved his lip in a slight amount of hesistation before speaking again.
"But now... Now wouldn't be really appropriate for me to hand you some store bought cake, would it?"
The words escaped from his mouth in a serious, yet calming tone. Mitsuha's brown eyes widened as she felt them start to well up. She screwed her face in pain and effort as she tried to force the tears back from wherever they were coming from.
"When people suffer, the world never seems to notice." He spoke once more, "It hurts the most when you have to wear a mask and face the world suppressing what's really inside."
Mitsuha felt her head start to throb once more and her skull start to be split open as buried emotions threatened to pour out.
"Miyamizu-san. I know it's not much, but if these few pieces of homemade cake can help you get through your suffering..."
She couldn't take this anymore, she was already too vulnerable, she couldn't just start crying in front of her freaking neighbour.
"I'll be more than relieved if this would make you feel that you were seen... Heard..." He said calmly.
Her hearing started to hollow as she felt his voice start to reverberate and echo.
"Because I know... how terrible it is... when nobody in this entire world notices... your pain."
Her gaze shot up at him as pitiful and sad tears started to drip from her eyes. Looking at her directly, his expression was calm and composed. His long black hair was in a bun and fringes trailed down his face. His black outer attire and white shirt, an appearance which would've imposed fear and terror in others provided her with much needed comfort and security as she fell to the ground on her knees. Tears poured out of her eyes as she held the bag to her chest, her beady tears falling onto the plastic and trailing down it's surface.
He bent down and kneeled on one knee in front of her.
"Miyamizu-san." He spoke softly. She looked up at him and sniffed. Gazing at her, he bore on his face a warm sad smile.
"It's painful isn't it?"
She clenched the bag tightly as the tears started to stream out of her two eyes. Sobbing quietly, she held onto the warm plastic bag as if she was a little girl again holding her stuffed animal.
A warm hand rested on her shoulder.
She braved a look up at him once more.
"Let's get inside, I'll make you something nice."
A little while later, she found herself sitting at her small dining table as he worked in the kitchen. The tears had more or less stopped by now. But she felt cold and miserable, the rain was pouring outside and it only worsened her mood. It was like God Himself was making it rain to increase her own suffering.
"The rain's depressing isn't it?"
"Huh?" Mitsuha swivelled around and stared at Mitsuki who was working in the kitchen cutting some vegetables. She returned her gaze back to the window and stared out at the pouring rain. She heard the sound of the stove turn on and the sizzling of oil in a metal pan.
"Yeah... It's fucking depressing." she mumbled.
The sizzle of spices and the aroma of cooking vegetables suddenly filled the room bringing the lit room to life. She widened her eyes as she gazed around. The environment having changed in one single moment. In wonder she gazed at the man cooking in the kitchen. He was stirring vegetables in the pan at one moment, then he went back to preparing some more ingredients.
"You have to remember that the rain rejuvenates the soil." he spoke softly, "Without the rain, the green vegetation would die of thirst. The 'depressing' rain brings the world much needed freshness, and quenches it of its thirst." The sizzle roared throughout the room as he started stirring and flipping the ingredients in the hot oiled pan.
His words filled her heart with a unique warmth that put her soul at ease. Looking over his shoulder, he gazed at Mitsuha and shot her a small smile.
"Don't you think so?" he asked.
Mitsuha smiled softly and nodded in agreement as she returned her gaze to back outside the window. Suddenly, what she had been seeing as the world's way of making fun of her pathetic suffering, she now came to see the same thing as God quenching the nature of its thirst.
"It's all perspective." she spoke softly.
"Yep." he replied in agreement.
"What I see as depressing rain, to others the rain brings happiness, peace and calm. The rain brings them relief from the heat of the sunny days and cools their minds and bodies..." She spoke outloud. A fulfilling warmth and strange bliss spread through her as the realization dawned on her. Smiling softly, she rested her chin on her palm.
A few minutes later the rain had stopped falling. A plate of wonderful aromatic sizzling food and a cup of some kind of chocolate drink lay on the table in front of her. She glanced at the food and then at Mitsuki. He was seated adjacent to her facing towards the window with his own plate of food and cup.
"Well... Dig in." he said as he spread his arms.
"Itadakimasu." they said in union after clapping their hands together.
Admittedly, she was quite hungry and she stuffed a mouthful of sauteed vegetables into her mouth. She chewed once, then stopped immediately.
Her heart started to ache as felt warmth flow through her being. Once more, for perhaps the hundreth time that single day, she felt her eyes start to well up. But this time... It was for a different reason.
A tear escaped her eye as she stared at the plate of food. She started to chew the food slowly tasting the individual unique flavors to the simple dish that lay in front of her.
It was simply and utterly delicious.
"If you're gonna cry that much, drink water." He spoke smugly.
She snorted into her food as she tried to stop a laugh from escaping her. She swallowed her mouthful of food and then chuckled slowly as the volume of her laughter started to increase.
"Can't believe you're also crying over my fucking food." he spoke as a snicker escaped his mouth.
She couldn't help it. A laugh escaped her as she dropped her utensils onto her plate and covered her face with her hands. She laughed like anything, she didn't know why she found ti so funny. But she felt...
Her eyes widened as she stopped laughing. Peeping through the gaps of her fingers she looked at Mitsuki who was busy eating from his own plate.
She had laughed...
She cried.
She cried tears of happiness and joy. Tears of happiness for her own happiness and joy. She had woken up in the morning shedding tears of pain and misery and now here she was, crying tears of pure elation. She laughed to herself as she felt for the first time, in many, many years, she felt alive.
"If you're not going to drink water, at least drink the hot chocolate I made." he said with a slight amount of annoyance.
Removing her hands from her face, she listened to him and took the cup that was next to her plate. In it was a steaming chocolately brown liquid. Bringing the brim to her lips, she let the hot sweet fluid run into her mouth.
It tasted of chocolate, milk, maybe had a bit too much sugar?
She smiled into the drink as she lowered it. Shooting him a gaze she spoke softly.
"A little bit too much sugar." she spoke.
"I'll keep that in mind for next time." He replied immediately. She stared at him and popped another mouthful of food into her mouth. Suddenly, the room started to light up as rays of light started to flow through the window. Mitsuki stopped eating and looked up ahead of him and widened his eyes.
"Perfect timing." muttered Mitsuki. She looked towards the window. A gasp escaped her. The sun was just over the horizon and as the clouds were dispersing, streaks of purple, orange and pink were revealed.
She turned to look at Mitsuki as she went to say something, however she stopped. Staring in front of him, he seemed completely absorbed.
She gazed at him and couldn't help but feel... that maybe... Shaking her head, she opened her mouth and spoke.
"Shindo-san."
"Call me by my first name." he replied quickly. She widened her eyes in surprise but obliged.
"Mitsuki-sa-"
"Drop the honorific." he said. Continuing to stare out the window, he paid no heed to her surprised expression.
"...Mitsuki..." she spoke softly. He turned his gaze towards her. A short silence fell between the two as they sat at the table in absolute peace and quiet. Mitsuha opened her mouth.
"Thank you." she spoke quietly.
A confident grin appeared on his face.
"For what?"
She returned a smile. Together they both continued to eat their food in comfortable silence...
Twenty minutes later they found themselves outside, on top of the roof of the apartment building. Mitsuki had helped Mitsuha climb up onto the roof which provided much needed elevation to gaze at the glorious setting sun of Tokyo.
"I'm a bit embarrassed about today Mitsuki." spoke Mitsuha as she sat on a box. Mitsuki stood in front of her, his back faced towards her. He stared at the setting sun, his long black hair and black hooded cardigan waving with the breeze.
"Embarrassed about completely mentally breaking down in front of your neighbour?" he spoke bluntly. Mitsuha chuckled slightly but composed herself quickly.
"Yes."
"Do you regret doing so?"
Mitsuha's eyes shot wide open. He turned around halfway and gazed at her over his shoulder, his hands in his pant pockets. The red sky painted with purple clouds and streaks of orange and pink. Mitsuha composed her expression and spoke her next words firmly.
"No, I don't regret doing so."
"Then there's nothing to be embarrassed about." he stated. He turned around and returned his focus back to the setting sun. Mitsuha stood up from the generator and carefully walked towards him. She stopped right next to him on his right and chanced a glance at him.
He had the same look that he had on before back in the room...
She returned her gaze towards the sunset and stared at the horizon.
That was her limit.
The horizon...
"Mitsuha." He began. Mitsuha's ears perked in attention towards him.
"There are two kinds of people in this world..." he began."The people who don't move forward..." he spoke seriously. A furrow formed between his eyebrows as he focused on the sun intensely. He opened his mouth and spoke seriously.
"And the people who do."
Mitsuha turned her gaze towards him, her long hair blowing in the cool post rain breeze. The sun's rays reflected on the small puddles and treaks of water on the roof. Leaves scattered all around glorifying the scene.
"Whatever you go through now and in the future, you'll have to go through it. You have no choice but to bear your own pain. Everybody has to bear their own pain..." he spoke.
"However... the way the people bear the pain is different." spoke Mitsuki softly.
"The people who don't move forward see nothing but the pain and suffering they go through. They keep repeating the same mistakes again and again, and they ultimately stay stuck in the same loop. They end up losing sight of who they are in that vicious cycle..." He explained.
Mitsuha listened intently as the weight of his words started to sink into her.
She felt as if his words were being directed at specifically her.
"But..."
Quickly shaking off the feeling, she returned her attention to him.
"There are some people who see something beyond the pain and suffering."
Mitsuha's eyes widened slowly. Just maybe...
"They are the ones who are willing to look at the horizon and notice the streaks of light foretelling the rising of the sun after the long night. They see beyond the horizon..." He explained. Mitsuha's heartbeat started to increase and a heat started to fill her heart as she stared at the man next to her.
"The ones who do so... are the ones who just keep moving forward in life."
Her heart started to blaze and turmoil as she felt heat flow through her being. She felt a fire burn ablaze within her. She felt...
"What's the purpose of being born on this world?" she asked quietly. Her eyes were fixed on the setting sunrise which had just started to disappear beyond the distant horizon.
"...We come to this world to learn..." He spoke.
"Learn what Mitsuki?" she asked as she turned around to stare at him.
Mitsuki turned around and gazed down at her directly. His eyes were fierce and looking into them filled her with a blissful terror.
"Who knows? Only you can come to know."...
Ever since that day three years ago, she had made a consistent effort to change her life everyday. She had been learning. Not making the same mistakes again, she attempted a change at her daily life. It had taken some time, especially while she had been battling her own miseries and emotions. But he had been there for her, just like that day three years ago. And after three years of effort and eight years of consistent struggle.
She finally had built a life.
She sighed to herself.
Wrapping her fingers around the side of her own bowl and picking up her own pair of chopsticks. She thought for a moment and then chuckled to herself. Mitsuki shot her an inquiring look through the corner of his eye.
"We always end up talking about depressing things..." she spoke softly. Mitsuki snorted and picked up some rice between his chopsticks.
"That's because we are depressing people."
A titter of a laugh escaped out of her mouth before she quickly stifled herself by stuffing warm food into her mouth.
"I still remember what happened the first day we met. I rung the door bell, you opened and I asked you your name..." she spoke and finished her statement through a snort. "You just blankly answered my question and shut the door in my face."
"Then you rung the door bell again and just stood there for no reason." The black robed man spoke bluntly.
"I was nervous, okay?! Besides, I invited you to my room to have some cake and then you end up gobbling it all!" she exclaimed, her bowl in her hand and a large piece of fish between her chopsticks. She dipped the fish in sauce and stuffed it in her mouth as she gazed at Mitsuki. He pulled an annoyed face at her and shot back a defensive reply.
"I like cake, got a problem?" he spoke coldly.
"Yes I do. I like cake as well and you ate all of mine!" she replied with a irritating teasing tone to her voice.
"And then you ended up crashing at my place for the next five days cause your power got fucked." he replied blandly. Mitsuha's eyes widened as she hurriedly tried to come up with a defense. Mitsuki gazed at her and then shot her a smug mocking glance. Mitsuha's face fell with a facade of gloom, he snickered at her display of defeat. He stuffed some vegetables in his mouth and hummed as he ate. Mitsuha looked up at him through the corner of her eye and watched him peacefully eat away. She smiled soflty before raising her head and continuing her own meal.
Together, they both continued to eat and exchange jokes and bicker with one another jokingly. At the end of their meal, when their plates were clean and Mitsuki had taken them to the kitchen to wash. Mitsuha sat in a comfortable silence in the meanwhile. Her stomach was full and she felt a satisfaction with her day.
It had all seemed so eventful, even her shift at work had been quite entertaining and she had seemed in a better mood at her job than when she had woken up this morning.
She had woken up thinking that it'd be another one of those days and she'd have to deal with it once again. But, the day had turned out to be quite the opposite indeed.
She smiled warmly and rested her chin on her palm.
She savoured the moment and secretly wished to experience more days like this. A mixture of happiness, sadness, joy and sorrow. To her, it was all so fulfilling. She wished for her life to be a wave of extreme ups and downs... She desired and wish as a strong fatique slowly wept over her and washed her into an ocean of sleep and slumber right there on the kotatsu...
Author's Note:
"Where's Taki?"
Yeah, even I ask myself where's Taki. Anyways, if you guys want Taki and Mitsuha fluff, you're gonna have to wait a while. I don't want these two to jump into anything because these two have suffered enough already.
Anyhow, updates are gonna still keep coming at a regular pace. Expect updates every week or two, I can't guarantee the next date. Doing a double degree is difficult and managing this story is also difficult. Rest assured, I'll be finishing this story no matter what. I said I'd do it, so I gotta do it. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. See you in the next one.
11/06/2020
Amrik Biswas