First, I'd like to start with a major announcement. For nearly a year now, my method of writing I, Kira has revolved around the idea that each chapter chronologically takes place after I upload it, usually one or two days after. However, for various reasons, I have finally decided to end this way of planning things. From now on, I won't try to set each chapter after (or even near) when they're uploaded, meaning that the story can be more chronologically fast-paced and also a bit more realistic. It also means that when something interesting happens in the world in real life, I'll have time to integrate it into the story.

The main downside is that there's going to be a rapidly-growing divide between the present day in I, Kira and the present day in real life, however I doubt that'll bother anyone. After all, there's going to be a whole arc set in ██████████, so this was going to happen anyway. The second downside is that it'll be a bit less clear exactly when each scene takes place. I'm currently playing around with the idea of putting a timestamp at the start of each scene, but I'm leaning against it. Either way, you can always check the official I, Kira timeline on the Death Note Fanon Wikia. Oh, and if you want to see even more I, Kira content, check out the 私は、キラboard on my Pinterest account, Chris F.

So, one and a half months. Since this has been the longest gap between chapters ever, I think you all deserve an explanation as to why. Well, it was kind of a "perfect storm" of multiple factors. The first reason is that I have had a lot of large assignments to complete. The second is that for a few weeks my parents tried to "crack down" on my time management, but luckily they did not succeed. The third reason is that for a few days now I have been extremely sick and unable to be very productive.

Now that that's out of the way, what does AV have to say?

*ALL THAT NUCLEAR DETONATION SHIT*

Wow, this WW3 arc is going to be interesting!

Okay, two things here. First, it isn't an arc. It starts and ends within a single chapter. And in the simulated scenario I ended up using, the total time between the launch of the North Korean missiles (10:45AM Sydney time) and the final W88 warhead hitting North Korean soil (11:25AM Sydney time) is only 40 minutes.

And I certainly wouldn't call it a "world war". Even if we include the North Korean civil war beforehand, only 8 countries (China, the Koreas, Japan, Australia, the UK, the US and Israel) got involved at all, and in my simulations the combined kill count stands at 2.4 million, only 862,000 of which weren't North Korean. For comparison, the war in Vietnam directly involved 12 nations and had a final kill-count of between 1.3 and 4.2 million. Of course, Vietnam happened over the course of nearly two decades, as opposed to 168 days of civil war followed by 40 minutes of nuclear warfare. So it would have more of a "sudden shock" effect, kind of like a Super-9/11.

Finally, shoutout to jogonzaleza88 for favouriting 私は、キラ/ I, Kira.

(Luci's POV)

'Luci, can I talk to you for a minute?'

Closing my laptop lid I swivel around and see Pearl peeking through the doorway. It isn't unusual for her to arrive this early, although the excited look on her face makes me somewhat curious.

'…Sure. I'm just reviewing some of the news from what was once North Korea. This has certainly been one really fucked up week.'

'Yes, about that, I think I know how we can use it to our advantage.'

'What do you mean?'

'Well, it's becoming pretty obvious that your infiltration of Forbes High School isn't going as planned…'

'Hey, if you think I'm being lazy here, just remember that the ancient Greeks believed their gods lived at the top of a very climbable hill but no one ever bothered to check. In any case, I highly doubt you can criticize me for having my hands full this week.'

'That's not what I'm saying. What I think we need is to have more eyes and ears in the school, more boots on the ground, so to speak.'

'How is that related to this?'

'Well, you know that the chief has two kids? Their high school was less than a mile from ground zero. It appears that they, along with the other survivors, are temporarily attending a transfer school, and soon they'll be going to another high school in the greater Sydney area.'

'…You're suggesting I use them as pawns.'

'Yes. Information on the two is hard to find, but it appears that they're loyal to their father and to ANPA, and that they support the fight against Kira. Additionally, the older of the two is in the same grade as our three remaining suspects, and the younger one is extremely talented with advanced computer technology and likes to share his skills with others. I mean, not even I could get into either of their home computers!'

'That all sounds good, there's just one tiny little problem.'

'Yes?'

'I mean, this isn't that big of a deal but HOW THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE WE GOING TO CONVINCE CHIEF BLACKHEART TO SEND HIS CHILDREN TO KIRA'S SCHOOL?!'

'Woah, there, you don't have to be so loud, and you certainly don't have to sound so emotional about it! …I guess we could trick him into thinking you'll keep them safe like some kind of bodyguard. Or we could emphasize that Kira has never killed anyone innocent, let alone anyone from his own school.'

'…Well, it's worth a try. By the way, if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions I'll kill you.'

(Chris' POV)

Okay, she'll be here any minute now, let's see if I have everything here… Ice-cream, movies, board games, snacks, popcorn, pizza, anime… shit, I forgot to get any drinks!

I shoot out of my room and down the stairs, before realizing I left my wallet on my desk.

'Hey, mum, can I borrow some money for coke?'

'Sure… is $60 enough?'

'Mum, it's like one dollar.'

'Wow seriously? Prices sure have dropped a lot from when I was your age. Of course, I never used it myself, I only know-'

'Wait, are you sure we're talking about the same thing?'

'…'

'…'

'…Oh, you meant the drink! My bad. Well, either way it's better than just sitting on that computer all day.'

'Mum, I sit on a chair.'

'…Here's a dollar. Be quick.'

Placing the coin in my pocket I accelerate out the door, and Rugo follows behind.

'You know, Chris, it's ridiculous that some people are like "Coca Cola supports racial equality, I'm not drinking coke anymore" and "Google supports gay rights I'm not using Google anymore". I mean, what next, "The atmosphere provides oxygen to ethnic minorities so I'm going to stop breathing in protest"?'

'Hopefully.'

A few minutes later I burst back through the door with a large bottle of the aforementioned liquid.

'Mum, what time is it?'

'There's a clock right there.'

'Did I ask you where the clock was?!'

'Don't worry, Lauren hasn't shown up yet. But when she shows up, be a gentleman and treat her well, as that's the kind of behavior that makes me happier than anything else.'

'And what about my happiness, mother?'

'…'

'Well?'

'Oh, was that not rhetorical?'

*KNOCK KNOCK*

'…I'll go make tea for you two.'

'Oh, nah, you don't have to.'

'Please, I insist. It's the least I can do.'

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Opening the door, I gesture for Lauren to enter.

'Listen, Chris, there's something really urgent I need to tell you.'

'Yes?'

'Today, my father announced that my brother and I… are being transferred to your school.'

'…Seriously?'

'Yup. Although something about the way he announced it certainly sounded suspicious, so-'

Mum returns from the other room, holding a tray with two small cups of tea on it.

'Oh, you two are still here? I thought you'd be upstairs already.'

'Mum! Great news!'

'You got over 80% in the English test you did two days ago?!'

'Mum, I said I have great news, not a Christmas miracle.'

'Well then what is it?'

'Lauren's coming to my school.'

'Oh, really? Well that's wonderful! This is only the third time she's come over here, but from your enthusiasm I see you two are already getting along well.'

Enthusiasm? …Fuck, I shouldn't have-

'Don't worry, so long as you kids are only doing homework and things I won't interrupt.'

'Okay, sure.'

Without another word Lauren, myself and our Shinigami ascend up the stairs and into my room, and the second Kira once again drops herself onto my bed with all the gracefulness of a baby seal.

'Okay, Chris, first things first. Any new information regarding the nuclear exchange?'

'Putting all the evidence I've accumulated together, my best guess is that someone outside of the loyalists made some allies within the faction shortly after the fall of the Kim regime, and after somehow finding out about us making contact, made an attempt on your life. But the real question is, who would do that? It would have to be someone who was in close proximity to North Korea when the civil war began, someone who's rich and powerful enough to pull off such an operation but not enough to upgrade the targeting on the missiles, and someone who would have a reason to kill you without having one to kill myself. Who could it possibly be? My best guess is that it's someone who thinks you have the shinigami eyes, but at this point I have no idea. If there's any good news, it's that South Korea is acting exactly as I told them to in this scenario as specified by the message I sent to them back in December.'

'Oh, right, I remember you told me about all that during our meeting on Thursday. So what did you tell them to do?'

'Basically, with American assistance they've occupied the entirety of North Korea, and within a few months they'll have finished annexing it. Speaking of annexing, I'm glad Russia and Belarus are finally back together, as I had hoped, and I've also heard that some kind of "East African Federation" is about to form after years of failed attempts, no doubt helped by the newly-found stability I've brought to the region. Hey, that reminds me, I've been planning to do a second wave of one-way diplomacy soon, maybe you could come along with Rugo and I?'

'Sure, sounds fun… So, now that that's out of the way, what'ya wanna do now?'

'Well, I got us some movies, some board games, snacks, Pizza-'

'YOU GOT PIZZA?!'

'Yes, Dimina, I got Pizza. As for what movies I have here, let's see… I have all the Star Wars, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Hunger Games, Jurassic Park/World and Harry Potter movies… oh, and this one's about America's first mass murderer.'

'You mean Christopher Columbus?'

'Hey, Chris, aren't you going to give her the watch?'

'Oh, right. Thanks for reminding me, Rugo.' I pull a cardboard box out from under my desk and open it up to show Lauren the aforementioned item. 'Here, this is a modified Apple Watch containing a 10-watt concentrated laser and a small compartment with a miniature pen and a piece of paper from my Death Note. You should wear it at all times, just in case. It also has a radio-operated distress beacon, so if you're ever kidnapped or anything just push the little button here and I'll instantly find where you are.'

'…You made that for me? Cool! With stuff like this there's no way we can lose!'

'Well, either way I can't die because I'm the main character.'

'I'm sure Light thought the same thing.'

'SHUT UP DIM-'

'I'm only saying that he was unrealistically optimistic. Aside from that, I almost admire the guy. For a bit over 6 years, Kira was a permanent fixture in that world. And in those 74 months, global crime rates dropped 70%, all wars and terrorist attacks stopped and criminal organizations around the world collapsed into complete ruin. He may not have won, but he proved that the dream of Kira is a real possibility. I saw it all with my own eyes, from the safety of the Shinigami world of course.'

Another familiar voice interrupts from the other side of the door.

'You two certainly don't sound like you're doing homework in there.'

'Mum, what's doing homework even supposed to sound like?'

'Crying, mostly. In any case, Chris, you know what day it is. Now get downstairs and start cooking!'

'What's she talking about?' Lauren asks.

'I have to make dinner on Tuesdays. Officially Indy is supposed to help, but she's always away somewhere with her boyfriend.'

'I'll help.'

'No, I don't think my mum would allow tha-'

'I would, Chris. Now, go show your girl how it's done!'

This is going to be embarrassing.

Sliding down the stairs, I hear mum grab her car keys.

'I'm going out to pick up your sister from Katashi's, try not to burn the house down while I'm gone.'

'We'll do our best!'

…

…

'I say we make Pizza!'

'Dimina, we already have Pizza upstairs… okay, based on what's in the pantry, I say we do a meat-curry combination. Lauren, you open up the powder and pour it in a bowl. I'll try to figure out what type of meat this stuff in the fridge is.'

'Okay!

…Uhh…

…Errgh! Why is it that a zombie can open a man's ribcage, but when I'm alive I struggle with a bag of curry powder?'

'That's actually your brain, stopping your body from using its full strength for every task so as to not horribly injure yourself. For example, the human mouth has enough bite force to cleanly go through a finger like it was a carrot stick, but our higher brain tells us not to do that. But theoretically once infected with a zombie virus the higher functioning part of your brain turns off and the only important need is that to feed, even at the cost of the zombie's body. Here, let me open that for you…

…Uhh…

…Errgh!'

'Oh for fuck's sake!' Dimina exclaims, snatching the bag out of my hands and opening it with ease like the show-off she is. 'Now, for this I think you'll need extra flavoring, preferably spices of some kind.'

'Oh, well that's right up here in the pantry…'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…well they were certainly here earlier. I think.'

'If you had any brains, you'd do what I do.'

'And that is?'

'I keep important stuff next to things I know will never be lost.'

'Good idea, Dimina! I'll start keeping the spices next to your virginity.'

'…Christian Atarashimono, if I were you I'd run.'

'Totally worth it.' I say, sprinting off.

(Thirty minutes later)

'…Well, that was exhausting.'

'You should've used our help more.'

'But that would be too easy, and I never back down to a challenge. For example, remember that time we were at the park when it was below freezing and you dared me to lick the swing set?'

'No. I said "Chris, don't lick the swing set!" and you said "don't tell me what to do, Rugo".'

'Well, I guess you can have your own opinion on what happened.'

'You are literally too stupid to insult.'

'Thank you!'

'You think you should taste-test it before your mum comes back?' Lauren suggests.

'Errrr…'

'Fine, I'll do it.'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…Well?'

'Taste doesn't really matter. It's full of nutrients.'

'That's what she-'

'KIDS, I'M BACK!'

'Oh, hey mum. Look, we made a beef curry!'

'Well next time why don't you just stab me in the chest with a spatula?! You've never even tried that before!'

'You should at least give it a chance.'

'Oh, I will. But first, you set out the plates and cutlery for everyone.'

'Fine, mum.'

I slide two plates onto each arm and carry them out to the table as mum pulls off a tiny piece of the dish with her fork.

Unnecessary insults beginning in five… four… three… two… on-

'Chris, what on Earth have you done?! You've used so much oil, the United States might try to invade the dish! The beef looks so rare, I could capture it with a masterball! The flavoring is so poorly prepped, EA could publish it! And that's only what I can tell from just looking at the thing!'

(Fifteen minutes later)

'Y'know, I am way too young to have this many embarrassing memories.'

'As a man I once knew said: All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.'

'And who said that, Rugo?'

'He… he was just a guy I talked to a couple times when I was a kid.'

'So, I guess we don't have anything important left to discuss, so, what movie do you want to put on?' Lauren Inquires.

'I'll let you pick one at random.'

'Okay.' Closing her eyes she reaches in and grabs one of the DVD cases. 'This one.'

'The first Harry Potter movie? Okay, sure.'

'Hey, here's something I've always wanted to know: How come nobody got pregnant at Hogwarts? I mean come on, surely there was some unprotected you-know-what going on in there.'

'They probably just used wizardry.'

'What, like they just take out their wand and shout "Fetus Deletus!"?'

(One surprisingly uneventful night later)

As I reach the school's entrance I drop my bag next to me and lean on the wall.

…It's 8:12. Class will be starting in less than twenty minutes.

'Mornin' Chris!'

'Oh, mornin' Connor.'

'Are you looking forward to meeting the refugees from Holt High School?'

'I actually already know two of them, one of which is in our year.'

'Is it a guy or a girl?'

'She's a girl, and she's pretty hot.'

'…Oh. So, how do you know her?'

'Oh, we actually met the day before the nukes fell. It was certainly an interesting evening.'

'Heh, well I won't push for specifics there. So, there's something else I wanted to mention.'

'Yeah?'

'Last night I had a dream that I was a dermatologist. Any thoughts on that?'

'Yes, your dreams are boring as fuck.'

'Also, I want your advice with something, it's about the school play at the end of the year.'

'You need help practicing your role or something? I'll admit, Ryuk sure does have a lot of lines in the script so I understand if-'

'Oh, no, it's not that, it's just about the Shinigami's voice. How do I make it sound, for example, like my voice is beinf filtered through a tin?'

'Well you, you get a tin, and you talk into it. I'm sorry but I don't have any better ideas than that.'

'Hey guys!'

'Hi Harry.'

'So, what'cha talkin' about?'

'Just how to make my voice sound more Ryuk-ish for my role in the play.' Connor answers.

'I think I once heard there's some drug that can temporarily change your voice. You could try that.'

'Harry, winners don't use drugs. Except steroids, in which case, use lots of drugs!'

Looking into the approaching crowd I see a familiar beautiful face, who soon locks eyes onto mine and starts running toward me.

'CHRIS!'

'Oh, who's that? A new girlfriend or something?'

'He told me she went to the school that got nuked. He's probably already slept with her.'

'WAIT WHAT?! Where'd you get that idea Connor?! We just watched some movies, made popcorn, had a nerf gun war, ate pizza, played video games, made a fort out of blankets, the usual stuff. Why does everyone have to sexualize everything these days?'

'…'

'Hey Chris! So this is your school?'

'Yup, welcome to Forbes High School! Lauren, these are my friends Connor and Harry-'

'Good morning, Lauren Blackheart. My name is L Lawliet, and I'll be showing you around the school today.'

Wait what? Where'd he come from?

'N-no, don't worry, I can find my own way around.'

'Please, I insist.'

That explains it. Her father is the chief of ANPA, so the only way he'd let her be transferred here is…

Oh, Luci.

You unfortunate son of a bitch.

'Don't try to pressure her, Lawliet. If she wants someone else to introduce her to everyone, she should be able to-'

'Oh, fuck it, fine. You know, I'm sort of curious what your last straw is going to be.' He angrily concludes, stomping off into the building.

'…So, Connor, Harry, she's the latest addition to our grade, why don't you two ask some questions for her?'

'Okay. What's your favorite mythical creature?'

'Uh, someone on Tumblr who isn't oppressed.'

'Is there a place you haven't been that you really want to travel to?'

'Any place the word "covfefe" is banned, I hate that word. Also Spain.'

'Do you think that Ireland is a land full of swearing leprechauns?'

'No, that's actually very offensive. You're thinking of Boston.'

'What's the main thing you think a guy looks for in a girl?'

'Availability.'

'What's the most random piece of advice you can give right now?'

'Never buy anything with Velcro. It's a total rip-off.'

'What's a fun science fact you've learned recently?'

'If you removed all the veins, arteries and capillaries from your body and laid them end-to-end, you'd die.'

I briefly glimpse my watch. It's 8:25.

'Okay, guys, we need to get to class.'

'Oh, right. Chris, here's my schedule, can you show me where my first class is?'

…It's almost an exact copy of mine, but an even more exact copy of Luci's. How predictable of him.

'It appears Connor and I have the same math class as you, so we can walk there together.'

As the three (five if you include shinigami) of us make our way over to the math classrooms, I'm too busy thinking about things to talk much, but the other two seem to be getting along already.

'I think you'll like it here, Lauren. You already seem to have a friend here, and a cute one at that. And-'

'Connor, what did you just say?!'

'…I didn't say anything. Oh, right here we're passing by the library, where losers like us sometimes hang out. I mean, think about the concept of a library. That's one thing that humanity didn't fuck up, we did a good thing when we invented libraries. By the way, Chris, have you heard what's happened over in Japan?'

'With the royal family? Yeah. Now that princes Naruhito and Fumihito are confirmed to have been killed in the attacks, it looks like Hisahito is going to be the next in line to the Chrysanthemum Throne.'

'But isn't he, like, ten?'

'The Japanese monarchy is more of a symbolic position nowadays, much like that of the UK. So I don't see why they can't put a kid on the throne.'

As we finally enter the classroom, I take my usual seat at the back next to the window, and without a word Lauren sits at the seat next to me. The room is only half-full as always, so there's no competition for seats.

'Okay children, get out your books and everything, let's start the day with a few basic problems. What is (sqrt25)x if x=sqrt4? Come on children, don't be shy, just give it your best shot. Yes, Connor?'

'Twelve?'

'Okay, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard.'

This is great. With both Kiras taking the same classes at the same school, there's nothing that can stop us now. I've won. Exactly as-

*KNOCK KNOCK*

'Oh, come in!'

…Shit. Fuck. I did not take this into account.

'Hey, sorry I'm late!'

As the girl who needs no introduction cheerfully turns to her seat, her face suddenly goes cold when she sees Lauren making herself comfortable there.

'…Who the fuck are you?'

'Who the fuck are you?'

'I asked you first!'

'I asked you second!'

Kallet. Fucking. Vimerica. This is going to be a long week.

(Tom's POV)

I'll be honest, I'm a bit nervous about this school. Like, a lot nervous. I only know three people here, four if you include Lauren, and not one of them is in my grade. Luckily, no-one has pressured me into introducing myself or anything… yet.

As I enter the library I catch a glimpse of Katashi, Indy's boyfriend, and I stealthily approach his chair and peek over his shoulder, to see him typing up various numbers and things on a laptop in some kind of text box, positioned next to what appear to be blueprints or schematics.

'Is that the super-plane thing you mentioned the other day?'

'Eh? Oh, it's you. Yup. The SR-71, also known as the Blackbird.'

'Never heard of it.'

'Never heard of the SR-71? It's the 'ship that made the Kyushu run in 12 minutes! One of the fastest, most badass aircraft ever built in the 20th century, this thing could easily hold speeds in excess of Mach 3, and could fly at altitudes of nearly thirty kilometers. Once the engines are replaced with more advanced scramjets, both those numbers can go up even further. Indy's working on the weapons systems, and while she hasn't shown me any of it yet, I look forward to seeing how she wants to arm this beauty… here, a copy of everything's on this USB, I'll let you borrow it. The folder should be there, right between "not illegal music" and "not illegal movies".'

'Oh, thanks.'

Placing the rectangular object in my shirt pocket, I swiftly leave the library and locate my school bag-

'Hey, you!'

I jolt up and spin around, stumbling backwards slightly to see a girl standing in the hallway. She's the same height as me, and her white hair and blue eyes match my own, which is something I've never seen in someone else before. In addition to that, she's actually rather beautiful.

'Uhh, hi.'

Extending her hand to shake mine, the girl replies.

'Alicia Summer. Most people call me Alice.'

'Thomas Blackheart. Most people call me Tom.'

'My older brother's best friend told him to tell me to show around the new students in our grade, so…'

'Oh, okay, sure.'

Swinging my school bag over my back, I see several large test tubes sticking out of hers.

'So, what's in those?'

Without hesitation she reaches in and shows me a tube, containing a small black spider with a red stripe on its back.

'See this little guy? Looks harmless right? Well you would be pretty damn wrong to think that, this tiny little bugger is 7 times more venomous than a black widow.'

Before I can react she pulls out another one.

'And this is the Asian Giant Hornet. About the size of a human thumb, its sting contains flesh dissolving acid which alerts other wasps to sting the victim until he or she dies. Sounds custom-made for a supervillain.'

'…I'm afraid to ask what you're planning.'

'Haha, don't worry, it's for biology club. Wait, I just realized… I apologize for asking, but how close were you when the bomb hit?'

'A bit over a mile.'

'Oh, and did you get any of the radiation?'

'Yeah, about 1800 milisiverts. Why do you ask?'

With a slightly creepy smile she opens up her bag. 'It's just… I've never had a chance to analyze irradiated cells before.'

'What do you- GAH!'

'Oh, calm down. You won't feel a thing, and all I want is a bit of blood.'

…

…

Well, she is really cute, so…

'Go ahead… you know, I never had a "biology club" back at my school.'

'Yeah, well, it isn't exactly where the popular kids hang out. So I suppose I fit in rather well there. To be honest, I wouldn't even date myself.'

'…Your standards must be impossibly high, then.'

'Wut?'

'Oh, I misspoke. I meant to say that-'

Removing the needle, she looks up with a vibe of curiosity. 'Tom, what's your first thought when you see me?'

'You look pretty.'

'What'd you say?'

'Uh, I said you look shitty. See you later Alice!'

Embarrassed, I run off… AAAAH WHY CAN'T I JUST TALK TO GIRLS NORMALLY!? I'M-

'No, I doubt it. If one of them is going to die, I doubt it will be her.'

Who said that?

'So, how are things back in our world? That boyfriend of yours, how's he doing?'

Is that Dimina, my sister's shinigami? Indy managed to retrieve a fragment of Lauren's Death Note the second time she met up with Chris, and now she, Katashi and myself can see and hear the female god of death.

'…Holy shit. That almost sounds like something Atarashimono would do! So, then what?'

Who's she talking to? After a few seconds I triangulate her voice to one of the large ventilation pipes, and remembering the locations for the ventilation system's openings (which Indy told me yesterday), I jump into the nearest one when no-one is looking, and a minute later I see the red-haired entity lying down, staring at the "ceiling" less than half a meter above her head.

'…Wait, does that mean you're in charge now? … Cool. I'm almost jealous of you. Just remember, as your sister I'm going to insist that you don't do anything too irrational.'

Is there another Shinigami I can't see? No, then there'd have to be another notebook user, which there doesn't appear to be. So… what's going on?

'…What? How do you plan to do that?'

As interesting as this is, I have to get to class. Finding my way back to the opening I entered I stumble back into the hallway as Indy is passing by.

'Hey, Tom, how's it going?'

'Listen… let's say, hypothetically, that there's a girl that I-'

'Alicia Summer. I figured you'd get a crush on her.'

'So… how can I get her to like me?'

'Well you know how everyone always says "be yourself"? Don't do that. Listen, if you want something bad you have to fight for it. Step up your game, Tom. Stimulate the L word.'

'Lesbian?'

'The other L word.'

'…Lebensraum?'

'It's "love", Tom. Don't worry, I can help you win her heart.'

'Uhhh, okay… oh, also, if she does start to like me back, at what point do I go in for the-'

'If you have to ask, it's already too late.'