A.N.: Yes, I updated!
Very sorry for the mixup; that was a working copy and not the final draft that was uploaded before!
As always I deeply apologize for taking so long. Work, school, etc. – plus my computer crashed, and that was fun. But thank you all so much for your patience and encouragement, and here is a nice long chapter to make up for the wait!
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Chapter 32: North and South
Neji slowly came to consciousness and automatically reached out for his weapons pouch and Shadow. Neither was there, but he registered something else: he was in a bed, and someone was holding his hand.
"Shikamaru?" he said, in a rush of confused gladness. There was a small, indistinct exclamation in response. He opened his eyes and looked into the face of the very last person he had expected to see.
"Hinata?"
"Neji-nii-san…you are awake! How do you feel?"
It was coming back to him now. The last thing he remembered was seeing the gates of Konoha. So he had made it all the way back. Looking around dazedly, he realized he was in some kind of hospital room.
"We thought you were dead," Hinata was saying. She had tears in her eyes. "We searched so long…my father was so worried…we all were."
Neji was trying to wrap his mind around this when his young cousin Hanabi strolled in. He was surprised at how glad he was to see both his cousins. He had always dismissed them as useless annoyances.
"Hey, you're alive after all." Hanabi squinted at him critically. "What happened to your hair?"
"I had to cut it," Neji said, bemused. "It'll grow back."
"Did you get gum in it or something?"
"No," Neji said, remembering now why he had found her annoying. "It's a long story." One he both wanted and did not want to tell. He changed the subject to a more pressing matter. "Shadow – my horse – is he all right?"
"Yes, he is in the stables," Hinata said. "It took four men to manage him. He is quite a beautiful horse, but very – spirited."
"He almost kicked somebody!" Hanabi said.
"He's just not used to this country," Neji said. And he misses Shikamaru. "He's from the South."
"From the South Country?" Hinata exclaimed in astonishment. "Where did you get a horse from the South Country?"
"In the South Country." Neji said. "That's where I –"
"You were in the South Country?" Both his cousins were staring at him in shock.
"All this time—?"
"Do the people there have all kinds of weird habits? Did they try to make you a slave?"
"Were you – a prisoner?"
"Did you kill anyone?"
"I…" Technically, the answer to all these questions was yes, but that wasn't how he would sum up his time there. "Some of the worst people I have ever met were there. But some of the best also. It was –"
"What's on your face?" Hanabi interrupted suddenly. Neji touched his forehead ….. The Pet Mark. He had almost forgotten it was there. During his travels, he had worn a plain black headband as Shikamaru advised, only taking it off to bathe.
"Did someone scribble on you while you were sleeping?"
Hinata frowned at her sister.
"No," Neji said. He searched for a way to explain it. "It's…like a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" Hinata asked, sounding a little shocked.
"You got a tattoo on your face? Didn't it hurt?"
More than you'll ever know. "It was…necessary."
"Father…" Hinata was looking at the doorway; Neji looked up and saw his uncle Hiashi walking into the room. Shakily, he struggled up into a sitting position and bowed his head.
"Neji," Hiashi said in a wondering tone. Neji raised his head and saw that there was no condemnation or anger on Hiashi's face, just a kind of stunned relief. For his part, he had wondered how he would feel when he saw Hiashi again and was surprised to discover he felt – glad?
"He was in the South Country!" Hanabi burst out excitedly. Hiashi frowned.
"Hinata…Hanabi…leave us please."
His cousins exited obediently. "Aw man," Neji heard Hanabi complain as they headed off, "we're going to miss all the good stuff."
"Or the bad stuff," Hinata reproved her in a whisper.
"The bad stuff is the good stuff!"
Hiashi slid the door shut. "Please tell me you were just making up stories to amuse your cousins."
"No, it's true. I was in the South Country."
Hiashi shut his eyes for a moment, looking pained. "Were you…taken, or…did you go there of your own accord?"
"A little of both," Neji said. He was surprised at how calm he felt. "It's a long story. You might want to sit down."
His uncle nodded and took a seat. Neji drew a deep breath and began.
"I left on my birthday, right after…the battle you witnessed with Hinata. I was in a very dark state of mind that day. I resented the fact that I could never be more than a bodyguard, that my father had been sacrificed for the clan –"
Hiashi looked stunned. "Neji, I –"
"Please, let me finish the story." Neji described the meeting with Orochimaru, and his decision to leave Konoha and travel to the South Country. "Along the way, I began to feel very sleepy and ill. They told me it was 'Desert Sickness,' and foolishly, I – I believed them. But when we got to Otogakure, I realized they had been drugging me. One of Orochimaru's sons –" Neji felt a sharp pain in his hand and looked down. There was an IV line taped to that hand and he had been clenching his fist too hard.
"He…attacked me when I tried to escape. We fought, and I killed him."
Hiashi nodded, looking more approving than shocked by this.
"I left that cursed village, and fled through the desert. I ended up in Suna."
"That was smart. Suna does not condone slavery."
"Ahh…right." It hadn't been smarts so much as luck and fate, but Neji was willing to let that slide. "I was taken in by the Nara clan. When they heard what had happened, they offered me sanctuary. However, I was still wanted in Otogakure for killing – that man. So the son of the Nara clan offered to pay them…a good amount of money."
Hiashi drew back. "Why would he do that?"
"He is just –" Neji felt his voice crack, "—a good person."
"But you had to work it off, I expect?"
There was a pitcher of water beside his bed. Neji poured himself a glass and took a couple of slow sips, thinking about how to tell the next part. Should he leave out how he had become a Pet? But how else to explain the mark on his face?
"I had to…become the personal bodyguard of Nara Shikamaru, the son." He touched his forehead. "That is what this mark denotes." At Hiashi's stricken expression he hastily added, "This was Otogakure's idea, not the Naras'. They always treated me as an honored guest, not a servant. Shikamaru never wanted me to be his Pet, or –"
"His pet?"
Neji felt his cheeks flush. "That is what they call it. I…" Should he leave out the seppuku attempt? But it was possible Hiashi had seen the scar, and what did he have to lose anyway? He was tired of pretending, hoping for something that was never within the range of possibility. What was done was done, and he was who he was. He would be completely open and honest. Deciding this gave him a sense of freedom and relief, as if he had shed a heavy suit of armor.
"I felt I had dishonored the clan, and so I – I decided to commit seppuku." His uncle made a choked sound. Neji ignored him, and plunged on. "I made the cut, but then I blacked out. Nara Shikamaru found me…he and his family saved my life." Remembering Shikamaru sent a wave of loss and longing through him, so strong that he closed his eyes for a moment.
"Are you in pain?" Hiashi asked, sounding concerned.
"No…no, I am fine." Neji took another sip of water. "Under the terms of the…contract, Nara Shikamaru could not legally free me until he came of age, in September of this year. So I stayed with the Naras as I recovered, and then I tried to find ways to pay them back the large sum of money they had spent to…to get me from the Sound. I entered some tournaments – and won – and I started training Nara Shikamaru to use the sword and to –"
"So…you became a bodyguard and personal trainer to this boy from the South?"
The irony of the question was not lost on Neji. He had ended up doing the very thing he had fled from, feeling himself too good for that. Perhaps, after all, there was no real way to escape destiny.
Hiashi frowned. "I know that you were able to learn the Main House moves – better than some of the Main House, as it happens."
Hinata, Neji thought. Once these words would have given him a grim satisfaction. Now he only felt sympathy for his cousin. Even her own father considered her a failure. Had he not seen how she kept getting back up in their fight, refusing to surrender?
"But I hope you would never teach those moves to someone outside our clan."
Despite himself, Neji flushed. "He wasn't very good at them."
Although he had been the one to say it, Hiashi still looked taken aback at Neji's admission. "You must have really hated us."
"I…" But what could he say? He had hated the clan; in some part of himself, he had wanted to spit in the face of their rules and traditions. And, even less nobly, he had wanted to show off his skills to Shikamaru, to make him feel the clear inferiority of the Southern clans to the Hyuugas.
At least, it had started that way. But then they had gotten to be friends, and Shikamaru was so smart, so willing to keep trying, even if he looked foolish doing so, that Neji's reasons had changed. Shikamaru would never be able to do the Hyuuga moves; he lacked the speed and finesse that were needed. But he was very good at being able to observe, and incorporate parts of the moves into his own style. Gradually, what had started as a nihilistic act of defiance had turned to a gift.
"Yes, in part," he said slowly. "I let myself be drawn into the darkness. I was angry at the ways of the clan…" He had decided to be honest, so why not say it? "I hated being a Branch House member, a bird in a cage. And I hated that you sacrificed my father –"
"Neji – I need to tell you –"
"Please, let me finish." He told his uncle the story of seeing the Uchiha at the tournament, and being approached by Uchiha Itachi shortly afterward, and how, in order to destroy Otogakure, he had made the fateful decision to betray Suna and the Naras.
Hiashi, who had looked surprised at the mention of Itachi, wore a troubled frown as Neji recounted what Itachi had told him. The Uchiha and Hyuuga clans were not enemies, exactly, but, as Jiraiya had said, there was no love lost between them. Killing your clan members…joining the Akatsuki…these were not things a Hyuuga would do.
And yet he had almost done them.
He told the rest of the story – the trial, the sentencing, and Shikamaru's plan to free him. Recounting it brought back the memory of the last time he had seen Shikamaru – Shikamaru's earnest, urgent voice detailing the plan, the way he had looked, the touch of his hands in Neji's hair…
And his angry words when he shoved Neji away: Do you think I would ever be with a slave?
"And then…you traveled all those miles back to Konoha…on your own?"
"With my horse. Shikamaru's horse, I mean." He wanted to go check on Shadow, see how he was adjusting to this new life. If only he didn't feel like he was about to pass out.
"All that…it's quite a story," Hiashi said. He stood and walked to the window, staring out in silence for several long moments. Neji took the opportunity to sink back against the pillows a little.
"It's all true."
His uncle sighed deeply. "I don't doubt it. It's a miracle you're alive. It must have been very difficult."
"Yes…it was." But not for the reasons you imagine. He would never see Shikamaru again. He did not even have a photograph. Why had he not thought to steal one from Shikamaru's bulletin board before he left? But what good would that have done? Shikamaru had packed his bags, and he had made it clear from the contents that he did not want Neji to have any personal memento of him.
"We cannot tell the clan elders all this, of course," his uncle said.
So much for honesty, Neji thought. Even though Hiashi was the head of the clan, he still had to answer to the Main House elders. They were the ones who held the real power.
"We can't let them know you went to the South willingly. Or that you were a – a – you will have to cover that mark. And teaching someone from the South the Hyuuga secret moves –! "
Neji could feel the doors of the cage closing around him once again. "Why should I lie? What do I have to lose?"
His uncle looked stunned. "Neji…you're not thinking clear—"
"Aren't the Branch House members expendable anyway?"
There was no need to say more. They both knew what he meant by those words. Nothing had changed after all; he was still a pawn of the Main House just as his father had been.
"Neji," his uncle said heavily "I must beg your forgiveness. All of this is my fault."
Neji stared at him in confusion.
"Your father's death…I heard what you said to Hinata that day. I should have told you the truth sooner."
"The truth?" Neji felt again the familiar bitterness of loss that he had carried all his life. "I know the truth – that my father was murdered to protect the Main House!"
"I can understand how you came to that conclusion," Hiashi said. "But that is not how it happened. The truth is, that day… I fully intended to die."
Neji could feel his hand clench into a fist again. "But… Why tell me this now?"
"Because now…I feel that…you might finally believe me."
Neji reflexively opened his mouth to speak, then stopped and just waited.
"When Hinata was kidnapped," Hiashi said, "I killed the man who did it. Unfortunately, as it turned out, he was a high-ranking diplomat of Kumogakure. They demanded my life in return. Yes, as you said, the clan asked Hizashi to take my place. But I refused. I could not let my brother sacrifice himself for me. However, Hizashi had other ideas. He overpowered me and made his case…that he should be the one to decide if he lived or died. That it was one time in his life where he would decide his own fate. He told me that if I overruled him I would be taking all his pride as a Hyuuga, and as a man. He said – " Hiashi's voice cracked "—'I'm asking you, brother, not as a member of the Branch House, but as your younger brother, to let me do this.'"
Hiashi's face clouded, and he turned away. Neji, too, found himself unable to speak.
"He left a letter for you," Hiashi said, composing himself. "I thought that I would give it to you when you came of age. When I heard the things you said that day, I knew I had made a terrible mistake in not giving it to you sooner. Then you left, and I vowed I would make it my mission to find you and give it to you. We searched and searched…but we never thought of going to the South Country."
Neji was stunned. He would never have expected his uncle would have gone to so much trouble to track him down.
"Finally we had to give up. I cursed myself every day for what I had done. When I heard you had returned – alive – my first thought was to bring the letter to you."
Neji found he was holding his breath. His uncle opened the case he had brought and drew out a package. Carefully, he unwrapped it to reveal the letter, then held it out to Neji. The envelope said simply:
To My Son
The paper looked old. Was it really his father's handwriting? It looked like it, but he could not be sure. Slowly, he unfolded it and read.
Neji:
I want you to know that I am not being killed to protect the Main Family. I am choosing to give up my life of my own free will in order to protect you, my brother, the rest of the clan, and the entire village. Though it pains me greatly that I will not see you grow up, I make this choice with a full heart.
In life, I have only showed you my bitterness, and I am sorry for that. I have not stopped despising the Main Family; in fact, I despise them now, as I write this. But I love my brother, and I love you.
Neji… you must live. Though you are young, I can already tell that you will be a man beloved by the Hyuuga talent more than anyone in the clan. I wish I could have born you into the Main Family. But, though you may have been born into the lesser Branch, that is not your destiny. Your life is your own. I hope that you will come to know that, and I hope that you will always let love guide you in your choices rather than bitterness.
Hyuuga Hizashi
The harsh certainties that had fueled his resentment for so long…the righteous fury that had driven him from Konoha…Neji could feel them all crumbling away, along with the distance from his father that had kept his grief at bay. Overwhelmed, he stared out the window, where a flock of birds was circling steadily upward. The birds blurred and swam. Neji blinked hard, trying to get himself under control.
When he looked back, his uncle was on his knees. Neji stared in shock as Hiashi made a deep bow, his forehead almost touching the floor.
"Neji…forgive me…"
Neji was speechless for a moment. "Please," he said when he could speak, "get up."
As Hiashi prepared to leave, it hit Neji that he knew next to nothing about his father, other than that he had been a fierce warrior who had loved Neji and hated the Main House. Did he have a favorite season? Did he rise early or stay up late? Did he ever want to travel?
"Excuse me, sir…but…what was my father like?"
Hiashi looked at him thoughtfully for a moment before answering. "You have only to look in the mirror to answer that," he said. "You are very like him, Neji…in every way."
After Hiashi had gone, Neji dozed. Hiashi had told him he might be released later that day, if the medics agreed. Neji had put up a nominal argument, but in truth he felt utterly drained and his feet, which he had discovered were bandaged, did still hurt quite a bit. He had been so impatient to reach the village that he had not noticed the pain at the time.
"THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUTHFULNESS TRIUMPHS!"
Neji startled awake, his eyes flying open. In the next instant he was enfolded in a mass of green spandex, being hugged so hard he could barely breathe. Lee and Gai were weeping, and even Tenten, who would usually be shaking her head at this, looked a little misty-eyed, though she kept her distance at the foot of the bed. Neji himself felt unexpectedly choked up. He had never thought he would so welcome the sight of Gai-sensei.
"Neji! You're alive!" Lee sobbed. "It's a miracle!"
"We searched and searched…all over the North Country practically!" Tenten added.
Neji felt an unexpected pang at this. Why had he not seen how much trouble and grief his leaving without a word would cause his team? He had been so thoughtlessly focused on his own anger.
I have only showed you my bitterness, and I am sorry for that…
"I'm sorry…to put you through all of that," he said, bowing his head. "I was in the South Country,"
"The South Country!" On their faces, he saw the same appalled awe his cousins had displayed.
He would have been honest with them, but the thought of telling the whole story again was exhausting, and it seemed kinder to let them believe he had not left on his own volition. And, he realized, more shamefully, he did not want them to think badly of him. Since when had he ever cared about that?
So he told them the official version that his uncle was telling the clan elders: that he had been captured by Orochimaru and other members of that clan, drugged and taken to the South Country; that he had killed one of them and been injured, and that he had spent time in Suna recovering from his injuries and working to repay the family that had helped him.
As his cousins had been, his team was full of questions about the barbarity of the South. He answered with what he realized would come to be his mantra over the coming days and weeks: Yes, there were terrible people and customs in the South Country, but there had also been very good people and many good experiences.
His uncle had told him not to mention the letter of treaty to anyone yet. Many people were still filled with distrust and hatred from the war. Give me time, Hiashi had said; I will try to persuade the clan elders.
He was released later that afternoon; Hinata and Hanabi came to collect him. They wanted to take him right to the house, but he insisted on stopping by the stables first. Unlike the South clans, most North clans did not keep a large stable of horses; there were probably less than a dozen in the Hyuuga stables. Most of them had their head down, placidly eating oats, but Neji heard Shadow's angry snorting as they walked in. A stable boy was there, looking rather fearful.
At the sight of Neji, Shadow calmed instantly. Neji went to him and Shadow stretched out his neck, laying his head against Neji's shoulder. Neji felt a wave of emotion. He wrapped his arms around Shadow's neck.
"Is he hugging that horse?" he heard Hanabi whisper loudly to Hinata. "I've never seen Neji hug anybody!"
Neji raised his head. "We have traveled a long way and gone through a lot together," he said with as much dignity as he could muster while embracing a horse.
"Nii-san," Hinata put in, holding out a small jar to him, "I have some healing ointment…on such a long journey, he might have some saddle sores."
He thanked her and applied the ointment to Shadow's back, then spent a while currying and talking to the horse. Hanabi grew impatient and skipped back to the house, but Hinata stayed, watching quietly, until he was ready to head over.
There was the Hyuuga compound, and his uncle's house, just as it had always been. There was his room, just as he had left it, everything well-ordered and tidy. It had been dusted, he saw, but other than that nothing had changed. There was his desk with ink sticks, brushes and paper, and his few books – unlike Shikamaru, he had never been a great reader. There were the two framed photographs on his wall – the official one of his team with Gai-sensei, and a formal one of his father, looking handsome in his dress kimono.
He slid the closet door open. There were all his clothes, his Hyuuga robes, his training clothes, his formal kimonos, hanging neatly as they had been the day he left. His spare sandals lined in a row; his winter coat and boots. There was the sword he had been given to use until he came of age. He had been supposed to get his father's sword then; he had planned on taking it with him. Now he was immeasurably glad he had not. It would have ended up in the hands of the Otogakure thugs – and after that, when Otogakure fell, who knew?
He did not deserve that sword. His father had been a noble man, willing to die in the name of love. While Neji had betrayed everyone and everything he was supposedly loyal to.
A small sound from Hinata reminded him that she was still there. He looked around at the room, at once familiar and completely strange. His life was all here, just as he had left it; nothing had changed except him.
"Everything…is the same," he said. Even though they had thought he was dead, they hadn't cleared out his room; they hadn't thrown away his things.
"We always hoped you'd come back," Hinata said. "We hoped you'd be found and…" Her voice trailed off. Neji followed her gaze and saw what she was looking at – the calendar above his desk, still on the month of July with his birthday carefully circled in red. He could see that she was remembering that day. He could sense the question she wanted to ask: whether their battle had been the reason he left. But she did not.
"It's…overwhelming," Hinata said, looking at him.
"Yes."
He could see that she wanted to say something more, to spend a little more time with him, but that nothing was coming to her mind.
"You – you must be tired, Nii-san," she said. "I should let you rest."
He wasn't tired exactly, having spent a good portion of the day sleeping. But he was glad of the time alone, to take everything in. He bowed to her and then, when she had gone, he sank down onto the mat he used for meditation and simply sat, gazing around the room.
What would Shikamaru think of this room, he wondered. Would he like the order and simplicity or would he find it boring and lacking personality? What would he make of Neji's team, especially Rock Lee and Gai-sensei?
It felt unreal, that he could simply return home like this, slip back into his life.
###
Had Neji made it home? Were he and Shadow alive? Shikamaru wondered this every day. He had thought of little else since that terrible day when he realized they were stranded in the desert. He had not felt anything since then; no stirring of the Mark on the back of his hand or strange sensations. Was that a good sign…or not?
Lying on his bed, he stared up at the sky, the vast, uncomprehending wall of stars. Was Neji looking up at these same stars? Would he ever know?
He still had Neji's prison clothes. True, they were an unwelcome reminder that Neji had been imprisoned, sentenced to die. But they smelled like Neji. So he hid them in the back of his closet, where Yoshino would not find them and certainly take them away to be washed, or more likely just throw them out. She had given away Neji's other clothes, with one exception. The beautiful kimono he had made for Neji now hung in his closet.
He wasn't sure what to do with it. To wear it himself seemed wrong. Giving it away would have felt like a betrayal; even his mother had felt that. But he could not accept what he knew deep down was the reality – that Neji, even if he was alive, would most likely never wear the kimono again.
So he kept it, along with the clothes and Neji's seppuku poem, and the neatly tied section of hair, coiled neatly now in the back of his drawer, from when he had cut Neji's hair. All these brought memories that were as painful as they were treasured.
He lifted the length of hair out from the drawer and ran it through his fingers, remembering how it had flowed down Neji's back. Closing his eyes, he pressed it to his face, feeling the silkiness against his cheek. In a part of his mind he knew this was slightly unhinged, as well as stupidly sentimental. He didn't care. It was all he had.
###
Neji walked through the streets of Konoha. Vendors were setting up, getting ready for the day. Neji himself felt more than ready. He was about to train with his team again for the first time in six months. He knew he had learned some new skills in the time away, and maybe they had too. He smiled slightly as he recalled Lee's determination to beat him.
Not today, my friend, he thought, and there were the training grounds, so familiar, the place where he had always felt most comfortable.
Something zipped past his ear, and instinctively he leaped back several feet, reaching for his weapon pouch. A barrage of kunais peppered the tree he had just been standing by. He looked up in shock to see the laughing faces of Lee and Tenten high on a branch in a neighboring tree.
"We wanted to test if you had those same catlike reflexes, Neji!" Tenten called.
"Of course I do," Neji said, affronted. "I still trained regularly while I was away."
"But that was in the South Country."
"AH, THE JOY OF YOUTHFUL PRANKS!" Gai boomed from behind Neji, startling him yet again. Pranks? Neji could not remember his team playing pranks on each other.
Were they having more fun without him there? Nine months ago he would not have cared; indeed, a question like that would have never even crossed his mind.
"My eternal rival and I would often play such pranks on each other," Gai sighed nostalgically. Gai's "eternal rival" was the sensei of a different team, who had often bested Gai in competition when they were younger. Neji knew Lee looked at himself and Neji in the same light. Previously Neji had scoffed at such a thought; after all, he was such a superior fighter. But Shikamaru had shown him there were many ways to be a superior fighter. Lee was tenacious; he never gave up.
Another kunai sped by him and tacked neatly into the tree just above his head. Tenten was not someone to wait patiently while Neji was musing about life. Well, Neji was not either. Springing into action, he seized the kunais embedded in the tree, pulled them free, and swiftly flung them, not at Lee and Tenten, but at Gai-sensei, who deflected them easily. Taking advantage of his teammates' momentary distraction at this, he raced up the tree they were in, pulling himself to a branch a little higher than the one they were standing on. Reaching out, he swept his wooden practice sword lightly across their necks as they spun to look at him.
Both his teammates looked chagrined, and a little surprised as well. Creating a distraction and attacking from the back had never been Neji's style. He liked to come straight at his opponents, get in close, and disable them with his speed and skill. But from Shikamaru, he had learned the importance of thinking strategically.
Pranks over, they trained hard for several hours. It felt good to be back, going through the familiar routines and rhythms of their training.
"Our team is back together again!" Lee cheered. "Let's race to the Konoha gates!" This was a favorite exercise of theirs to finish the day. Sometimes Lee even raced on his hands, just to challenge himself. They headed off, each by a slightly different route. Neji favored the outskirts of the village; it was a little longer, but there was less traffic to slow him down, just a few shops and houses. As he rounded a corner, he passed a small stand, with various cakes and buns. A familiar scent filled the air, and memory smacked him full-force in the face.
Coffee.
For a moment he was back in the Nara kitchen…coming in after his morning run…Shikamaru standing there in a patch of sunlight in his sleeping pants and t-shirt – or maybe shirtless – his eyes half-closed as he sipped his coffee…smiling at Neji and putting on the kettle to make tea…
Neji stood still, on this street thousands of miles away, and for a moment he could not breathe. He had never liked the taste of coffee, or even the scent, but he suddenly had a wild urge to buy a cup.
I had hoped to visit your village, Shikamaru had said. Obviously, I can't do that now.
He could have shown Shikamaru around Konoha, bought him a cup of coffee. He imagined Shikamaru looking up at the buildings of Konoha, so different from Suna, and how interested he would have been to see it all. Shikamaru smiling, asking questions, joking with him about the Hyuuga compound and the sameness of the Hyuugas, but also being just a little impressed. Shikamaru would have liked meeting Lee and Tenten – and what would he have thought of Gai-sensei? Neji had described him, of course, but his descriptive skills didn't really do Gai justice.
He felt a kind of loss he had not experienced since his father's death. The difference was that that had been a blind, terrified, furious grief. He had not really known what was happening or who to blame. Now he knew exactly; he could blame no one but himself.
A little old woman bustled past him, muttering in disapproval at his blocking the street. Realizing that he was still supposed to be training, Neji began walking, then sped up into a run, sprinting faster and faster as if he could somehow outrun what he had done and all that he had lost.
His teammates were waiting at the gate of Konoha, staring at him as he raced toward them at top speed. He came to a stop and bent over with his hands on his knees, as if winded, so that they would not be able to see his face. Their awkward silence told him what they must be thinking: He was running that hard and still came in last?
"Oh, we forgot you were injured," Tenten said, looking at the bandages on his feet. In truth, he had not even thought about his feet. But if they thought him a weakling who would let a few blisters slow him down, would the truth – that he had been foolishly daydreaming about someone in the South Country, someone he would probably never see again – be any better? He would just have to redeem himself tomorrow by working twice as hard.
In truth, the training had tired him out more than he cared to admit, and he trudged wearily home, glad to be in a country where water was not an issue and he could look forward to a hot bath. On his way up the stairs, however, he was waylaid by his uncle.
"Tomorrow morning, Neji, you will train with me."
Neji looked at him in surprise. As a member of the Branch House, he was not supposed to be doing the Main House moves. In this, as in so much else that Hiashi now knew, Neji had thought his uncle would just look the other way, out of guilty duty to Hizashi.
"You know the moves," Hiashi said. "You might as well perfect them."
They began first thing in the morning and trained for almost two hours in near-silence. Now and then Hiashi would demonstrate a particular move or give Neji a nod of approval for his execution.
As the sun rose higher in the sky, the rest of the compound began to come to life – servants bustling here and there; other clan members heading out to work. Hinata's teammates appeared at the gate, waiting for her; Neji saw her scurrying past the door.
"Hinata," Hiashi called.
Hinata stopped short and came into the training room. Neji could see that she felt torn – wanting to go with her team, but at the same time pleasurably flustered at the thought of being asked to train with her father and Neji.
"Can you get us some tea, please?"
"Oh…oh…yes, of course." Hinata disappeared and returned shortly with two cups of tea. She handed them to Neji and her father, made a small bow, and hurried off to join her team.
Did his uncle even see Hinata? Neji wondered. Did he have any respect for her skills? Her teammate's words came back to him. She has the kindest heart of anyone I know. He had thought that kind heart a sign of weakness.
Shikamaru also had a kind heart, but no one could say Shikamaru was weak. He had not only stood up to the powerful Otogakure nins, he had gone against his own clan's beliefs and traditions, in order to save Neji's life. At the end he had even risked jail, or worse, to keep his promise to Neji of setting him free.
Neji had not deserved that kindness, he thought, any more than he had deserved Hinata's when he returned. He had almost killed both of them, and yet they had found it in their hearts to move past that and continue to extend a hand. Neji would never be able to repay Shikamaru. But he could try to find a way to make it up to Hinata for his past behavior.
That evening, he pulled her aside to speak without Hanabi or his uncle noticing.
"Hinata-sama," he said, using her title. He saw her eyes widen slightly at that. "Can you tell your teammates you will be later tomorrow? I would like to train with you."
Hinata opened her mouth to speak and hesitated, looking apprehensive.
"Don't worry; this time, I will not attack you. I will truly train you."
Both early risers, they set out for the training areas the next day before the sun was even fully up. By unspoken agreement they did not use the Hyuuga training area, where the rest of the clan might be watching. Hinata was better than he expected, although still nowhere near Neji's level. But he was surprised to see how much she had improved. He could tell she did not feel the same. Her face reddened in embarrassment.
"I – I am trying to learn the moves."
"That's why we are training," Neji said, assuming his stance. "If I can teach the moves to my friend, who is slow and not even a Hyuuga, I can certainly teach them to you."
Hinata's eyes widened in shock. "You taught the secret moves to someone – outside our clan? Someone from the South Country?"
It was Neji's turn to be embarrassed. "We were…friends. And I owed his family a great deal. I wanted to give something back." He raised his hands in the fighting stance, but Hinata did not follow suit. Instead, she stood there looking troubled.
"Neji…I know what my father said, but I…was wondering. Did you leave Konoha of your own accord…because of what happened?"
A bird cry cut through the stillness; the forest was waking up as well. Neji suddenly made a decision.
"Before we train, sit down please. I want to tell you something."
There were some wooden benches nearby, covered in fallen cherry blossoms as they always were this time of year. Hinata brushed the petals off and took a seat.
"I want to tell you the whole story of my time in the South Country. The true story, not the official clan version."
As he had done with Hiashi his first day back, Neji told her everything – except for the details of what Kidoumaru had done. That he would never tell anyone but Shikamaru. Hinata's eyes grew wider and wider at certain parts of his tale, but she remained silent, as if mesmerized.
"I'm sorry that...you had to go through all that," she said finally, "because of the systems of our clan."
"It wasn't only that." Yes, the system was unjust, but his own self-centered bitterness and arrogance had contributed just as much. And if he had not gone through the bad, he would not have seen Suna, or met Shikamaru.
They were interrupted by footsteps; Hinata's team coming to check up on her. It was past the time she had been supposed to meet them. They eyed Neji with suspicion, as well they might. The taller one came close and reached down to help Hinata up. The way she colored and averted her eyes as she took his hand told Neji his earlier deduction about their relationship had not been wrong. There was definitely something between them.
He found that he did not mind the company of his cousins anymore. Most nights now, he would come home for dinner and they would all eat together in the kitchen. He told them stories of the South Country – the flat desert lands and eerie rock formations; the torrential rains; the brilliant sunsets.
"You looked at sunsets?" Hanabi exclaimed. Hinata had given up trying to restrain her sister and just shot her a reproving look.
"My friend showed me. Shikamaru." Saying Shikamaru's name always sent a pang through him, but it would have felt worse not to say it.
He told them about the sandstorm - the pitch black tent and the way it floated on a current of air; the changed landscape in the morning and running and sliding on the dunes. He left out the part about sleeping in Shikamaru's arms, though that was the part that he held most closely in his heart.
"That sounds like so much fun!" Hanabi breathed, round-eyed.
"Yes… It was."
Hinata did not say it, but he could guess her unspoken thought: You had fun?
He told them about the New Year's feast, about cutting the noodles and pounding mochi.
"They made all the food themselves?" Hanabi said. "That's crazy!"
"Maybe they were poor," Hinata said quietly, slanting a look at her sister.
"They aren't poor—" Neji began.
"They aren't poor, they bought Neji!"
Not for the first time, Neji wondered how his cousin always managed to find out things she wasn't supposed to know. He raised an eyebrow at her. "As I was saying, they aren't poor. It's their families' tradition, to get together and cook all the food."
The food served by the Hyuuga cooks was as he remembered it: fresh fish or meat and vegetables, plainly steamed or sometimes grilled. It was refreshing and wonderful to taste the clean flavor of a fish pulled that day from the river, or a cucumber picked just hours before, sliced with nothing but a bit of salt.
But after a few days it began to be monotonous in a way it never had before. Remembering the little vial of Spice of Life in his pack, he fetched it and sprinkled some on the fish. Seeing his cousins' curious looks, he offered them some as well.
"Aaack!" The shocked expressions on his cousins' faces were comical, as they turned red and grabbed for their water glasses.
"Eat some plain rice," Neji advised, stifling a grin.
"You really eat that?" Hanabi demanded suspiciously, as if she thought it was some kind of trick.
"Sure," Neji said, taking a big bite. Compared to some of the fiery-hot dishes he had eaten in the South, Spice of Life was relatively mild, just enough to give the food some zip.
"Why is it like that?"
"They like their food spicy. It cools you off on a hot day," he said, remembering Shikaku's words. "They eat a lot of weird things, too…like lizards." And scorpions.
"You didn't eat any lizards, did you?"
"Yeah, once…in the desert."
"That is so gross!" Hanabi squealed, her expression halfway between revolted and impressed. Hinata just looked appalled. "What did it taste like?"
"Pretty nasty."
"You've changed," Hinata said one evening as they walked back from the stables. Sometimes she would accompany him there; Shadow was becoming accustomed to her presence, although she still would not ride him.
"Not as full of myself, you mean?"
She flushed. "Not as…angry. And…happier and sadder both somehow."
She was right, of course. As she had said, she had the Hyuuga eyes too, and could see him clearly. But he did not want to go into it. "You've changed too," he said, switching the focus to her. "You seem more confident, bolder. More ready to be head of the clan." He had said it; this time without bitterness.
Hinata turned red.
"Is it because I wasn't here?" Criticizing you, undermining you…
Hinata did not answer right away. "Yes," she said slowly, "I think so. Because you were so much stronger, I always kind of assumed you would take over the Forces and it wouldn't fall on my shoulders. When – when that didn't happen, and I realized you were gone, maybe forever…I knew I had to step up. If you were dea – if you were gone, I had to be the strong one. It was all up to me."
"Are you sorry I'm back?"
"You're my brother, and I love you." After a moment she added, "Are you…glad you're back?"
"Of course. This is where I belong. I'm a Hyuuga."
He tried to focus on the things he would definitely not miss. The heat and dust. Scorpions and lizards as food. Their spooky graveyards full of corpses. The slave trade.
But no matter how much he dwelled on those things, his treacherous heart and mind kept returning to the one thing he missed overwhelmingly; the one he would never see again and never forget.
Shikamaru. Always, Neji felt like he was looking at everything through a second pair of eyes; Shikamaru's eyes. Always, in the back of his mind, was the shadow of what might have been.
###
Shikamaru tried to put it out of his mind and focus on his work, but always the question was there: If he had done things differently, would Neji still be here with him?
The problem was, he had no idea of what he could have done differently. Not to tell Neji about the Pet Mark had been wrong, maybe. But if he had told Neji right away, or at any other time really, he had no doubt the outcome would have been exactly the same: Neji would have tried to kill him and leave.
"Shikamaru! We have a mission!"
His team had been guarding the West Gate, a relatively monotonous assignment. But now Asuma had some news: Akatsuki had been spotted and they were being called to investigate.
"Shikamaru, you'll come with me, Kotetsu and Izumo. Chouji and Ino, you guys stay and guard the gate."
As they traveled out, Asuma filled them in on the mission. "You guys remember when a couple of Akatsuki members were hiding out by the monastery, disguising themselves as monks? Well, the head monk, Chiriku, was a good friend of mine. We were in the Kazekage's bodyguard force together, before he became a monk. He fought them off that time, but they returned a couple of days ago, raided the temple and murdered all the monks. Even though he was leading a religious life now, Chiriku had a bounty on his head from some years ago when he helped suppress a coup against the old Kazekage. We've got intel these Akatsuki may be headed for the bounty station near there to claim that money."
They approached the bounty station surreptitiously. Asuma had warned them to keep an eye on everyone who came and went, as the Akatsuki could be disguised as anyone. As it turned out, though, that was unnecessary. After about fifteen minutes, the Akatsuki members came strolling out of the bounty station, counting their money, unmistakable in their red and black cloaks. One was a large, hulking man with a white hood and black mask over his face; the other was shorter, with silvery white hair and a large weapon that resembled a three-bladed scythe over one shoulder.
Asuma signaled Kotetsu to call for reinforcements and for them all to follow him. They stepped out onto the road, blocking the Akatsuki's path. The two Akatsuki halted, not looking alarmed in the least.
"Who the fuck are you?" the silver-haired one demanded.
"You're the lowest of the low,"Asuma said. Shikamaru could hear the undertone of cold anger in his voice. "Killing monks… religious men. Men of peace,"
"There is only one religion, and one god, Jashin! Any blood spilled in his name is righteous –"
"Would you shut up, Hidan," the taller one snapped, sounding annoyed.
"Fuck you, Kakuzu! I told you we shouldn't have killed those damn monks! You're too obsessed with money. Now we've got these shitheads to contend with!"
"I'll deal with them," Kakuzu said. Stepping back a few paces, he pulled something cylindrical from his weapons pouch and lobbed it in their direction. Asuma leaped out in front of the rest of them, raising his arm to block it. It hit his arm and exploded into a fireball. Asuma went down, cursing loudly.
As Kotetsu and Izumo smothered the flames, Shikamaru felt something blaze through him. It was almost as if Neji inhabited his body in that moment. Neji's furious determination gripped him; he saw the two Akatsuki with the clarity of Neji's eyes. The big one, Kakuzu – Shikamaru thought, He's dead inside; he only cares about the money. And the smaller one, Hidan, ranting about some god named Jashin: He's insane. Possessed by Neji's speed and sureness, he raced toward them, moving faster than he ever had before.
But Hidan was faster, spinning and delivering a blow with his terrible three-bladed scythe into Shikamaru's right leg with such force he could feel it reverberate through every bone in his body. The pain was excruciating; Shikamaru crumpled instantly to the ground and for a moment was afraid he might black out.
###
Neji was up a tree, doing surveillance during a training drill. Lee and Tenten were on the ground, tracking the "enemy," Gai-sensei. This was not Neji's usual role; in the past he would have been the lead ground fighter, with Lee backing him up, and Tenten would have been in the tree with her weapons. But in his absence they had rearranged their formation. Lee was now the lead fighter; Tenten was learning more close-range weapon skills, and Neji, for the time being, was relegated to lookout. He chafed at this, but accepted it. His team had not just sat around waiting for him to return; they were too good for that.
He thought he spotted Gai approaching and inched out on the limb to get a better view before signaling the team. All of a sudden, he felt a strange tingling in the Mark on his forehead. Chills ran over his body. In the next instant pain slashed through his right leg. A wave of helplessness, frustration and rage swept over him.
Shikamaru!
Neji forgot all about the training drill, his team, and everything else. Was it really possible, across all these miles? But his momentary wonder gave way to a despairing, furious futility. Shikamaru was in trouble, was injured, and there was nothing he could do about it.
He turned this way and that, in a frenzy of urgency, wanting to kill whoever it was that had injured Shikamaru. But of course he could not.
If I was still in Suna, I would be fighting by his side.
Because of his own actions, he was exiled, powerless to come to Shikamaru's aid. He could not even let Shikamaru know he had received the signal.
In a mad impulse, he yanked a kunai from his weapons pouch and drove it into his own left leg up to the hilt. Blood gushed over his hands, and pain jarred through him, causing him to stumble and lose his balance on the tree limb. He crashed down, the lower branches and leaves breaking his fall, and landed in an undignified heap on the forest floor.
His team ringed him, staring down at him in utter astonishment.
"You…fell out of the tree?" Lee exclaimed.
"And…accidentally stabbed yourself in the leg?" Tenten said.
Neji allowed himself to be carried to the medical center on Gai's broad back, his teammates eying him with pitying frowns.
"Neji really is out of shape," he heard Tenten mutter to Lee. "I thought he won tournaments?" But she did not sound suspicious, just confused and concerned.
"Yes, but that was in the South Country."
It was all beyond humiliating, but to tell them the truth would have been equally humiliating, and they most likely would have thought he'd lost his mind. Maybe he had. He had no way of knowing if this business with the Pet Mark went both ways, or whether, if by some miracle Shikamaru did feel something, he would understand it at all. But he had no regrets. He could not have simply stood by while Shikamaru was in trouble and done nothing.
He had meant what he said in his letter to Shikamaru. As long as he existed, in any form, he would be looking out for Shikamaru.
###
Shikamaru lay on his bed, looking out the window, his injured leg propped on a pillow. In a lot of ways, it had been a very bad day. The two Akatsuki had fled when the reinforcements arrived, and were still at large. Asuma had gotten third-degree burns on his arm. And of course he was injured as well.
The pain medication Shizune had given him was wearing off, and his whole right leg was beginning to ache and throb. But it was his other leg that was on his mind. He ran his fingers over his bandaged right leg, then traced the identical spot on his left leg where he had felt the pain earlier. A familiar tingling in the back of his hand, and then the brief, agonizing pain. What had that been?
Had Neji really injured himself in some kind of solidarity with Shikamaru? He couldn't imagine such a thing. And yet…he actually could. Neji was impetuous, impatient – and fearless when it came to physical pain.
Rationally, Shikamaru knew there was probably a more logical explanation for it. Perhaps the Akatsuki member's sword had been coated with a poison that attacked the nervous system, triggering pain in his other leg as well, or with some sort of drug that caused him to hallucinate. Perhaps it was just the pain that had affected his mind; perhaps he had briefly passed out and dreamed it.
But in his heart, he could not shake the conviction that what he had felt had been something real, and that it had come from Neji. He leaned his head back, gazing up at the stars. The skies overhead were as vast and inscrutable as always. But for a brief, dazzling moment, it was as if a window had been opened, and he could see Neji looking back at him.
###
A.N.: No, not the end yet! I promise the next chapter will not take nearly as long as this one has. Please leave a review to let me know what you think!