I started this fic thinking it would just be like a 5k oneshot, and now it's turned into...basically half of a season 2 rewrite with multiple chapters.
What even.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for all your support and reviews, it really means SO much to me! More to come, currently slated to be 4 chapters. May have to bump that up to 5...we'll see ;) enjoy!
Summary: In the wake of Zoom's attack on Barry and S.T.A.R. Labs, Barry deals with the aftermath of his injuries and PTSD...and then the entirety of Team Flash gets blindsided by Grodd's sudden reappearance. Caitlin's kidnapping ends up with an unexpected moment in the S.T.A.R. Labs med bay.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Flash/DCTV
Barry had felt helpless plenty of times in his life. His mother being murdered right in front of him, his father taken to prison for a crime he didn't commit, being bullied at school nearly every day by Tony Woodward—all those times he had been helpless, but he was convinced that only after he became the Flash did the feelings of helplessness increase. Back then, he had been powerless. Quite literally. Everything he had experienced before then was at the universe's mercy, and he was unable to do anything about it. But after his powers…it was true what they said, great power came with great responsibility.
After becoming the Flash, he could have outsmarted, defeated, thwarted metas and bullies that threatened Central City. He could have saved and helped the people around him, the people he loved, save for three occasions:
Caitlin's kidnapping at the hands of Snart and Mick Rory,
Eddie's tremendous sacrifice to rid the world of Eobard Thawne forever, and
F.I.R.E.S.T.O.R.M. flying into the singularity, killing Ronnie and saving the world.
But this?
He had never felt more helpless, physically unable to get up, to even move around and take care of the people he loved, to be the Flash and defend Central City. Zoom's display of power had shaken the people's faith in their superhero now that they knew he could be beaten, that there were things he couldn't protect them from.
"Barry," Caitlin said that night, the first night he came home after his ordeal was over and they could just have a moment of peace and quiet to themselves before bed, with a gentle hand on his cheek. "You are going to get better. You are," she insisted when he looked doubtfully back at her. "You've already healed so much from that first MRI I took! It'll take some time because your injuries were so extensive, but you've already made so much progress."
The steel in her honeyed gaze almost got through to him, but he only felt tears stinging the back of his eyes. "Caitlin, I couldn't beat Zoom, and he has already shown everyone that I can't protect them. Zoom knows he's faster and stronger than I am, how am I supposed to fight back against that?" Barry asked, feeling so incredibly lost. "What if he comes after us next? What happens if he comes after you?"
It was such a horrifying thought that he put a hand on Caitlin's stomach, over her now very miniature bump. They had gone around in circles in their conversation, so an exasperated Caitlin just huffily shut the lights and crawled into bed next to Barry. If she held him a little tighter, a little closer than usual, well, he just pulled her even closer, thanking every star he could name that she and the baby were safe.
Things looked up for a little after that; he was healing a little more every day, and Caitlin's weekly MRI showed a complete recovery in his shattered spine. Most would call it a miracle, but as for Barry himself…he still felt weak, only able to walk a few steps at a time with a cane. The wheelchair he had been in—Eobard-Wells' old wheelchair—had been a sore necessity, one he despised more with each passing day.
"All right, I got you," Joe murmured softly as Barry hobbled on the cane, handing it over to his foster father and taking slow, uneven steps in the Cortex. Joe's hand never left his shoulder, and Cisco was standing by with the wheelchair in case he fell. Which he did, after six small steps.
"I can't do it right now, all right?" he said tiredly, collapsing into the wheelchair. His doubt was coming back full force, and the room full of people he loved only looked on in worry.
"Yes, you can, Barry. We've been making so much progress."
Barry almost scoffed, righting himself in the chair. "Yep, six whole steps," he shot back sarcastically. "Someone give me a bozo button."
"Hey, give yourself some credit." Cisco slapped a hand on his arm. "You just broke your back."
Wasn't that the point? Barry was broken, in all the ways that Zoom wanted him to be. The constant reassurance from his family and friends was what got him through each day, and the small steps every day gave him that little bit of hope he needed to go forward. The day he stepped back onto the treadmill—he finally felt that little burst of elation again, the one he felt when he first discovered his speed.
"Push yourself!" Joe called from outside the speed lab, a wide smile on his face and a worried Iris next to him. Barry tried; he tried and tried and he tried-
Barry knew what PTSD was. He experienced night after night after night after his mother's murder, reliving the moment over and over again.
As he tried to run faster, that night, that fight came back to him full force, remembering the hits he had taken from Zoom, the pain, the moment he was stabbed, and one lapse in concentration was all it took for him to fall and slide off the treadmill, his confidence shattered once again.
"Did Caitlin come through here?" Cisco asked, nearly storming into the Cortex.
Pffft. If she had, Barry might have felt a little better. As it was, he played with the controls on his wheelchair, spinning in sad, slow circles. "No."
The look on the engineer's face was an almost-comical blend of confusion and anger, and if he was in a laughing mood, Barry might have smiled. "She just hit me in the face and ran away."
Before his brain could catch up with the all-important question of why,the thought, that doesn't sound like Caitlin ringing like alarms blaring in his head, Joe ran into the Cortex with a loud, "YO! GRODD!"
Both Barry and Cisco looked at him, trying to make sense of what he was saying. "What?"
"Godd's back!"
And suddenly, in a sickening moment of clarity, the pieces all came together.
"Caitlin," Cisco said, realization coloring his tone. "That must be why she was acting like that, she was being mind controlled!" Turning to the console, he immediately pulled up a feed of the Lab's security cams, zeroing in on the one showing the back door opening and Caitlin walking out…with a giant, very familiar gorilla ambling behind her.
Barry's eyes widened in horror, rising from the wheelchair to grab his cane, and all three men wasted no time in running to the back door, hoping against hope they would be able to stop them before Caitlin slipped out of their grasp, but she was gone.
The feeling was not unlike the first time Caitlin was kidnapped, but now the stakes were higher—Snart and Rory needed her as bait to draw him out, but there was no way to reason with a giant gorilla, no matter how intelligent. All throughout Joe and Harry and Cisco's conversation in the Cortex, all Barry could do was stare at the cane in his hands, drowning in helplessness. Caitlin must have been frightened; she was kind to Grodd, yes, but being taken against her will with their baby inside her…
He didn't even hear Joe call out for him until the second time he did. "Barry. Barry!"
"Yeah?" Barry tried snapping to attention.
"You can't blame yourself for this."
Joe's words nearly knocked him to the floor, anger and frustration and gladness, glad someone other than Caitlin finally said it to him, all warred within him. "There's nothing you could have done."
What was he supposed to say to that? "I still don't have my speed, how are we supposed to save her from Grodd?!"
His foster father's eyes seemed to see right through him; he had always believed that Barry could overcome the challenges set in front of him, and so far, he had. Joe had never stopped believing that he would make it through the next hurdle, and the next, and the next. He wasn't blind; Barry was not a difficult person to read, and after having known him for so long, after raising him, Joe liked to think that there wasn't a whole lot that this kid could hide from him. Certainly not the feelings he had for one Doctor Caitlin Snow, despite his previous belief that Barry and Iris would end up together someday. In fact, out of all of them, Barry was probably the most worried about her.
"You may not have your legs just yet," Joe told him, "but you still got that brain. Use it. Help us figure that out."
Barry wasn't a field officer, but he was still a brilliant CSI with years of experience and training, and with all the resources of S.T.A.R. Labs at his disposal. He wheeled himself to the screens around his Flash suit, his eyes flitting between them, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat. The absolute panic and dread he felt the first time Caitlin was taken was nothing compared to the quiet desperation he felt now that was bursting within him, and for the first time, he dared put into words the feelings he had for her for a long time coming:
He loved her. He could admit it to himself; he could no longer envision a life without her.
"Where are you?"
Henry's arrival was the catalyst that Barry needed to begin to truly break out of the downward spiral that had him caught in its rip tide, and even then it was a nerve-wracking few hours of waiting for Harry-turned-Eobard to attempt to trick Grodd to let Caitlin go. She and Cisco walked in supporting an injured Harry between them, but that didn't keep Barry from standing up and rushing over to her as fast as he could the second she stepped into the Cortex, the two clinging tightly to each other as everyone else gave them a moment.
"Are you okay?" Barry asked, hands holding her face and eyes sweeping over her for any signs of injury, lingering over her stomach for a few seconds longer.
She gave him a reassuring smile, putting her hand over one of his. "We're fine."
We're fine.
We're fine.
We're fine.
Not fine, his brain screamed at him during their meeting to discuss how to best remove Grodd from Central City vis a vis one of Central City's breaches.
"Okay, even if you're right," Joe asked bluntly. "How do we bait Grodd to go through it?"
"My son'll do it." Henry spoke up, confidence in his stance, confident in his son. "Won't you, Flash?"
Barry nodded, because of course he would, and then Caitlin shrugged, making her way back to the med bay from where she was standing in front of the console. "Let me get my coat."
Startling to attention, he stared dumbly after her, his question slipping through his lips before it even crossed his mind. "Why?"
Her wide doe eyes met his, her head tilting to the side. "We need to bait Grodd into getting through one of those breaches," she explained slowly, as if it were obvious. "He kidnapped me because he needed my help, so if I'm out there, he'll come. That will be our chance."
"No."
Barry's answer was immediate. Everyone else in the room wisely kept their mouths shut during the exchange. "We're not using you as bait. He just kidnapped you, we just got you back, and I am not going to put you anywhere near him ever again."
Caitlin pursed her lips. "Barry. This is probably the most solid plan we have, and Grodd doesn't want to hurt me. He just needs me to do something for him. If it were anyone else, they might actually get hurt."
"Snow's right, Allen," Harry piped up from the side. "Grodd's almost guaranteed to come if she's there as bait. We'll set up a speed cannon where the breach is so that she can lead him there."
"No." Barry replied so vehemently that his tone caused Cisco, who was standing next to him, to flinch. Cisco, out of everyone else in the room aside from Caitlin, was the one person who fully understood why Barry was so against the idea, but even he had to agree they didn't have a better plan. Besides, he also acknowledged the low risk that Caitlin would be exposed to—hopefully—making it truly, honestly the best course of action.
Evidently, she had had enough. Caitlin crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Barry," she said calmly. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"
They made their way into the med bay as the rest of the group busied themselves, starting on the plan as she rounded on him. "Barry. I know you're worried, but this is the best idea we have. This is the way to keep everyone else safe."
"No, Cait!" He hissed. "I'll think of something else, you are not going back out there."
She was tired and exasperated, and was about to let out a snappy retort when she looked straight into his eyes and saw the absolute fear that was in them, that he had tried so hard to hide in front of everyone. It broke something in her, and Caitlin raised a hand to her stomach, the other reaching for his, which he gave without hesitation. Grasping her fingers, Barry finally allowed his walls to come down at last.
"I can't put you and the baby in any danger, not if there's even the slightest chance you'll be hurt. I can't," he said, green eyes wide and pleading, begging her to understand. "I can't lose you again."
"I can't lose you either!" Caitlin's reaction was immediate. Her memories swept her back to that awful night Zoom found them, right here in this building, the night she had been so afraid that Barry wasn't going to make it. She wasn't lying—she really couldn't lose him, not after all they've been through, after all they've meant to each other and are still discovering about each other. "And I know it's been hard for you, Barry, but you have to know that just because you haven't been able to use your speed like before, you're still a hero. You're still my hero," she said, putting the hand that was previously on her stomach his cheek. "Our hero."
Barry's eyes misted over, but he knew Caitlin still didn't understand; she had to understand, that wasn't even an option, and so he opened his mouth and it felt like nothing at all to say-
"Cait, I love you."
It didn't feel all butterfly-fluttery or gut-wrenchingly nervous to say it, like the many times he thought it would feel all the times he had imagined telling Iris, or like anything he had ever read in those sappy novels he would absolutely deny he had read in his spare time. There was no planned or perfect moment or choirs of angels or a crushing weight on his chest, because the moment those words passed through his lips, it just felt—right.
Caitlin's mouth fell open, but no sound came out. The silence was what brought Barry back from his elated high, his hopes plummeting in front of his eyes the longer she didn't reply.
He really needed to get his brain-to-mouth filter checked before it ruined any more of his relationships.
"Uh," Barry started gracefully. "I mean, I just thought I should tell you—it's okay if you don't feel the same way-"
His rambling was cut short when Caitlin brought both hands up to his face, making sure he was looking straight into her eyes. "Barry."
Her head tilted to the side in that way it did when she was at her most adorably confused. "I—we—we're—I love you too," she finally said, her shock giving way to the joy fluttering inside her chest. "Of course I love you! Of course I—we—we love you too."
Both Caitlin and Barry were aware of the many things they wanted to say to the other, were well aware of the situation that still faced them with Grodd and with everything else they needed to worry about, but for the moment, they stared at each other like (and completely accurately) a pair of lovestruck idiots in the wake of finally, finally admitting their feelings out loud.
"We need to get on with planning," Harry said lightly in the Cortex, still standing in a circle with Cisco, Joe, and Henry and glancing at the two still in the med bay. "Ramon, can you go get them?"
Cisco stared him straight in the eye, unwrapping a lollipop and sticking it into his mouth, making no move to interrupt. "Dude," he garbled around the candy. "I know you're new here, but I'm not walking in there even if you pay me."