Leia's Guide to: Dating

[Leia is seen wearing sportswear.]

Mabel: And that's concludes Leia's Guide to Fitness. With my sister Lynn and Waddles, the Jog hog.

[Shows Lynn running a treadmill with a Spicy Meatball Sub hanging on a rope while Waddles is in sports gear and is running another treadmill, trying to get an Ice Cream Sundae.]

Lynn: I will get you Spicy Meatball Sub! You will be mine! And I will be in good shape!

Mabel: Atta boy sis! [To Waddles]: you gotta jog for it, jog hog! Look at his little shorts.

[Lynn then jumps in an attempt to get the food but she ends up missing and lands on the Treadmill. She then shoots backwards out of screen and crashes into something.]

Lynn: I'm alright.

[Cut to intro of Mabel's show.]

Leia: Today: Leia's Guide to Dating.

[Cuts to her with stuffed animals as guests sitting in front of a talk show like table.]

Mabel: As we all know, I'm a dating expert. In fact, I can't get the boys to leave me alone!

[Static. Lincoln is shown to be holding a cardboard cutout of a boy named Zack outside.]

Lincoln: So uh… what am I supposed to say?

[Candy gives him his lines on a piece of paper.]

Lincoln: Mabel, I love you so much… baby? Why won't you… ok this is sorta weird for me to say, can someone-"

[Cuts back to Mabel.]

Leia: Probably should've had someone else do that. But, you know what you did Zack! Today we're gonna test the dateablity of Gravity Fall's swingin-est bachelors and bachelorettes. Soos!

Soos [looking at the wrong camera.]: Get ready to fall in love, America! Am I, am I looking at the right camera?

Mabel: Leni!

Leni: Hi everyone!

Leia: Luna!

Luna: Uh, you told me this was going to be about Music. And I'm not looking for anyone right now.

Leni: I thought you thinking about Robbie?

Luna [nervous]: Where did you get that idea? Also why isn't Lori here? She has more experience.

Mabel [Ignores the last part]: Ooo! Interesting. Dipper!

Lucas: Who are you making this for?

Mabel: Grunkle Stan!

Grunkle Stan: I'm only here cause you promised bacon. [Leia throws bacon and Stan eats it.] I'm pacified!

Mabel: And now for a simple 9000 question dating quiz.

Leni [horrified]: A quiz!? I'm terrible at them!

Leia: You'll do fine.

[Static. Cut's to the group in the living room, taking Mabel's dating quiz.]

Stan: Should men always pay for dinner? What is this, Russia?

Soos: How many kids would you like to have? Seven, preferably. That's one to love every day of the week. And it would be like having you dudes as my kids.

Leni: Aw that's sweet! Let's see… If you were a guy/girl, where would you take your date? That's easy! Take them shopping to the mall!

Luna: What do you do when you see a cutie? A) Make conversation and like what they like, no matter what. B) Kiss them. C) Profess your love to them. I don't think this question has a right answer, sis.

Lucas: How do you treat a gal? Huh. Well, hovering nearby and laughing at everything she says obviously. Nailing this.

Luna [sorta weirded out.]: That's not how it works, bro.

Mabel: While they're busy working. We give you, 'Animal Dating!'

[Montage of Mabel forcing animals to date, with her ending up getting attacked by Squirrels. Cuts back to everyone else.]

Mabel: And here are the results. Grunkle Stan, on a scale from one to five. You scored a three.

Stan: Yes! Yes!

Leia: This will limit your dating pool to widows, lady plumbers, and convicts.

Stan: I still consider this a victory.

Leia: Leni. You scored a 3 as well!

Leni [Claps hands]: Eeee! This is like, totes awesome!

Mabel: Luna: You scored, a 5.

Luna [Raises her fists in the air.]: Alright!

Mabel: Dipper. Your score is… Eesh! You know, scores don't really matter. You just need to focus on being you. Soos, your scale from one to five, you scored… a twelve?

Soos: My grandma was right all along. I am the world's most perfect man!

[Soos gets spotlighted and three birds fly at him and perch on his shoulders and head.]

[Static. Mabel is back at her table.]

Mabel: Love is all around us. And if it seems like you two aren't the right fit. Force it!

Luna [off-screen.]: Uh, sis. That's not how it works.

[Leia was about to say something but the two squirrels from earlier come and attack her.]

Leia: Oh, no! The squirrels! They're back! Aaah! [Picks up a stuffed Rhino and defends herself with it.] Save me, Mr. Rhino! Save me!

[Static.]