I can't believe it's been almost three, THREE months since I last updated. I am so sorry. Things have been crazy at work until the past couple of weeks, and between post-op stuff, physical therapy, work, and other things just completely crowding my schedule, it was tough to find time to just write and plan.

The good news: I've got the rest of this fic figured out.

The bad news: this fic probably only has another 2-4 chapters.

The worst news: I have to add more details to my planning outline as I write lol.

This chapter was kind of hard to get through because so much of it was reimagined, and I had to find ways to make these reimaginings work. The creative process was super fun, but the making sense of it all was hard. This chapter was also kind of hard to write...it basically just wrote itself, but it felt kind of lackluster? Editing was also quite rigorous for this chapter, so I hope it holds up! It's such a fun, unique chapter, so I hope this chapter does this fic justice :)

Thank you SO much to everyone who has left a comment or kudo on this fic, and thank y'all so much for reading. Thank you guys so much for your patience and support. You guys are so wonderful.

Summary: Into the Speed Force.

Disclaimer: I don't own DCTV

There was a sensation of falling, and then hitting the pavement.

The instant his back connected to the concrete, his eyes snapped open, and Barry lurched forward…only to feel like an anvil just bashed against his head, and fell backward against something softer, thankfully, than pavement. He lay there for so long with his eyes screwed shut in pain; there was no way to keep track of time as wave after wave of pain dragged him under again and again, and he could only wait until it dulled enough for him to pull himself back together, piece by piece.

When he finally forced his eyes to open, registering the quiet around him and the softness under him, he saw the last thing he ever expected to see—

His old room in his childhood home, exactly the way he remembered.

Slowly, Barry sat up, drinking in the details and all the things he thought he'd never see again. Each object tied in with a memory, and tears immediately flooded his eyes as an indescribable ache formed and pulsed in his chest. He swallowed hard past the lump in his throat, logic finally kicking in and the nagging feeling in his gut pointed him to the wrongness of everything around him. It was too still, too quiet, the air too stale and too flat.

He swung his legs down from his bed, carefully opening his bedroom door and making his way downstairs to where he could clearly remember the living room being…only to see a strange girl, looking no older than fifteen or sixteen, sitting on his couch, right where he loved to sit as a child. Barry opened his mouth, the words on the tip of his tongue, when she turned her attention to him, and he took in her features—long chestnut curls framing her face, her wide green eyes so foreign and familiar at the same time. She tilted her head, observing him for a moment as he observed her.

"What are you searching for?" the girl asked him, catching him off-guard.

Barry nearly jerked back in surprise. "Where am I?"

Grinning back at him, she looked so lovely with that smile on her face and the trace of sadness in her eyes. "Don't you recognize your own home?"

He didn't look away from her, his mind struggling against the haze to make sense of everything. The girl stood up, stretching. "We supposed this form might be more familiar to you. We wanted to meet you."

"I don't…know you." Barry squinted his eyes at her, trying to place where he had seen her before. She looked too familiar to be a stranger, but he was sure he had never met her in his life. Her second sentence hit him then, jolting him back to the strangeness of his situation. "What do you mean 'we'? Who…are you? Am I…am I dead?"

The girl laughed at him. "No, you're not dead. Don't you remember what happened?"

Barry looked down at his hands, down at the carpet underneath his feet that he remembered last being coated in blood, someone's blood, his mother's—and then everything came rushing back to him, slamming into him like the contained Particle Accelerator explosion they had tried replicating, all to get his powers back to take Zoom down, to save Caitlin and Central City; the air left his lungs, and Barry keeled over, panting as the onslaught of memories came back to him.

"Zoom…he made it back to Central City," he gasped. "He's got Caitlin and the baby. We tried to create another Particle Accelerator explosion to get my speed back. Something must have gone wrong."

"Wrong?" she asked, tilting her head adorably to the side. Barry felt as though someone punched him in the stomach, knocking the wind from him at the familiarity of the gesture.

"Please," he rasped, "wherever I am, I need to get back to Central City."

She looked at him, so, so sadly, and then in a blink, she was gone, and it was Joe standing in front of him. "We thought you were here to get your powers back."

This, out of everything, was what finally knocked Barry to his senses. The Joe standing in front of him spoke in the tone and timbre he was so used to hearing from his foster father, but the words sounded hollow, empty. He drew himself to his full height, staring his false foster father down. When he spoke, his voice came out the steadiest it had been since he first woke up. "Who are you, exactly?"

Joe chuckled, but matched him eye-to-eye. "We…are you. And so many others, so many other things, all at once. We were there at the beginning of time. And we'll be there at the end of it."

Like a bolt of lightning, the answer came to him, sending him reeling. "You're…you can't be. You're the Speed Force."

The moment the words passed his lips, Barry knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was right. Joe looked amused, folding his hands in front of him.

"Why are you here, Barry?" the Speed Force asked again.

He swallowed, suddenly nervous. "I need to get my powers back, please. I need to go back to help, I need to take Zoom down."

Barry was about to beg on his knees, his desperation and impatience swelling, choking him. He had no idea how to get his speed back, and he had no idea how to get home, but he had to. The light outside the windows faded from afternoon to evening, the calming colors changing rapidly into night as the lamps and lights inside the house flickered to life, bathing the room in a soft glow.

"We know what you're running toward, Barry," the Speed Force said as Joe. The very next second, Joe disappeared, and in his place was the last person he thought he'd see—his mother, still in the clothes she died in that fateful night, looked back at him. "But what are you running from?"

His knees hit the floor. Tears immediately welled in his eyes and slipped down his face, one after another, and there was absolutely nothing he could do to get them to stop. Something shattered inside of him, and he broke into so many pieces he didn't even know where to start; the absolute ache and heartbreak and emptiness he felt when he lost his mother that night as a child and again as the Flash when Eobard Thawne killed her the second time, was unbearable. Even looking at her was unbearable, but Barry couldn't tear his eyes away, everything in him brought to its knees in front of the person he loved and missed the most in the entire world.

"Why are you doing this to me?" he whispered, his throat constricting with every single emotion swirling inside of him.

"We're not doing anything to you, sweetheart," Nora replied softly, putting a hand on his cheek and then gently running her fingers through his hair. "You're just so tired."

Barry bit back a sob. His mother—the Speed Force, he viciously reminded himself—was right. He was so tired. He had been running on fumes since Zoom had taken Wally, had been run ragged and been so worried about him, about Caitlin and their unborn child and the fate of not just Central City, but of Earth-1, of all the Earth-2 metas that had shown up so far that he had been unable to truly fight back against, worried about his friends and the rest of his team and Zoom wreaking havoc through it all.

He was so tired. He was so tired.

"Why…did you choose her?" he asked brokenly after a minute. "Out of everyone in my life—why her?"

The Speed Force took a moment, still gently brushing his hair back as it answered him. "Your mother's death happened to you, Barry. It made you who you are, but have you accepted it?" It paused for a single breath, fingers stilling, and then continued their movements. "Really accepted losing me?"

Barry couldn't hold back his violent flinch as he pulled away from it—her, his anger feeding his heartbreak and pouring into his devastation. "I know I've lost you!" he hissed, tears dripping onto the carpeted floor. "Every day I know it!"

Neither of them spoke for several beats, his pulse thundering in his ears. Blowing out a harsh breath, he knelt down on the hard ground again, facing her once more. "I had a chance to save you," Barry said, voice breaking with every word. He no longer cared about the distinction between his mother and the Speed Force; she was there, in front of him after all these years, and the flow of words just wouldn't stop once he started. "You saw what I chose."

"And you're at peace with that decision?" she asked, not moving from her seat.

"At peace?" his tone took on a hard edge. "At peace."

He shook his head, digging his nails into the hardwood floor. "How could someone ever be at peace with letting his mother die…deciding that his life was more valuable than hers?"

This was the moment his heartbreak and anger came to a crest, made clear that of everything he had been running from, he had been running from her. He had been running from the unbearable truth that he was responsible for his mother's death, twice now, knowing what Eobard Thawne was after the first time he ran into their home, that he hated himself every single day for making that decision, saving his own life instead of finding a way to keep her alive.

Nora leaned forward, clasping her hands together. "Do you really think that she would have wanted you to die for her?" she asked quietly. "And out of all the people that you've saved as the Flash as a result of that decision…what about them? Do their lives have value too?"

Silence echoed in the room, eternity suspended between them. Finally, Barry sniffled, clearing his throat as he mustered his bravery to look her in the eye.

"You were right all along." His whisper broke through the quiet like a crack of thunder. "I haven't accepted it. Not for a second." His voice became choked once more. "I don't think I ever will."

Nora's expression crumbled, and she slid forward off the couch to kneel in front of him, her hands gently cradling his face, thumbs running over his cheeks. "Oh, my beautiful boy," she said just as brokenly as him. "You have to find a way."

Barry looked so lost, eyes wide in his mother's arms. "How?"

"I don't know." She paused, her fingers continuing to soothe him just a breath later, lifting his chin to look him in the eyes. "But I know this. What you've become…it's wonderful. A miracle, even. But it won't make bad things stop happening to you. Even the Flash can't outrun the tragedies the universe is going to keep sending your way. You have to accept that. And then?" her voice took on a lighter tone, a small smile finally breaking through. "You can truly run free."

The truth in her words rang through him, like the lightning he once felt course through his veins.

"I know," he replied brokenly. "I just miss you so much."

He felt the last of his walls absolutely, completely crumble, and then for the first time, he opened himself to let the pain rush in. His loud sobs wracked his body as Nora tightened her arms around him, her son finally allowing himself to break apart. For all his fears, his worries, his anxiety, his pain, his losses, his mother—he felt it all and wept for all of it, allowing himself to shatter as he was being held, taking in his pain and then letting it go until he was nothing but pieces of himself, afloat at sea in a storm.

They stayed there for a long time, long past the end of his tears and his sniffles, and Barry slowly pulled himself together, piece by piece…the pieces that missed her, the pieces that held other people he loved, pieces of other people who loved him, pieces of the other things he loved. Everything that made him him stitched back together into a mosaic, broken pieces fitting together to create something new, something beautiful, something wonderful. There would be no unbreaking of those pieces, but coming together, they made a true work of art. And wasn't that what the Speed Force was trying to tell him? Accepting loss, accepting tragedies, that his power didn't make up all of who he was, didn't make him immune to heartbreak and fear and confusion and difficult choices. Rather, he had to learn to accept all of them, not just the good of his powers, but the consequences as well.

"What if I told you," Nora said softly, still gently stroking his hair. "That she was proud of you?"

"Who's telling me that?" Barry replied, voice gritty and hoarse. "The Speed Force, or my mother?"

She carefully pulled away from him, offering him a smile before leaning forward to kiss his forehead. "Both." Standing, she extended a hand to help him up on his shaky legs. "Come here."

Leading him to the couch, Nora sat him down, then sat in the space next to him, reaching over to the coffee table to grab— "The Runaway Dinosaur?" he asked, sniffling, and the tiniest smile showed on his face at last. Nora returned his smile, squeezing his hand and opening up the book.

"What do you say we read through it one more time?" she asked. "It was always your favorite."

At his nod, through his teary smile, she began to read. "Once, there was a little dinosaur called a Maiasaur who lived with his mother. One day, he told his mother, 'I wish I were special like the other dinosaurs. If I were a T-Rex, I could chomp with my ferocious teeth!'"

"'But if you were a T-Rex,'" Barry began, never taking his eyes off her as the words came to him like no time at all had passed, "said his mother, 'how would you hug me with your tiny little arms?'"

Nora chuckled, turning the page.

"'I wish I were an Apatosaurus,' said the little dinosaur, 'so with my long neck, I could see high above the treetops.' 'But if you were an Apatosaurus,' said his mother, 'how would you hear me in the treetops when I told you I love you?'

'What makes you so special, little Maiasaur?' said its mother. 'Is it your ferocious teeth or long neck or pointy beak?'

'What makes you special is out of all of the different dinosaurs in the big, wide world…you have the mother who is just right for you. And who will always…'"

"'Love you,'" both Barry and Nora finished together, sharing one last smile. She closed the book and turned to him, then placed the book in his hands.

"Your copy was lost, a long time ago. This is a gift."

He looked back at her, confusion and awe evident on his face. "For what?"

Standing, she pulled him up from the couch, and leaned in to give him one last kiss on his forehead. Barry blinked, and then all of a sudden, his mother was replaced by the girl he had seen earlier, the one with the wavy chestnut hair and wide green eyes; for the first time, he truly took in her features, her face, her hair, and oh.

Oh.

He could see the resemblance between this girl and his mother, now that he had seen them side-by-side, could see the traits they shared and the ones he saw in the mirror every day and—

Caitlin.

There was no mistaking who she was now, and the realization crashed into Barry like a lightning storm. He brought his hand up to his mouth as he processed just who it was standing in front of him with a smile on her face, waiting for him to speak first. The tears that welled in his eyes weren't ones of pain, but pride and awe and wonder.

"You…" Barry tried to say, but he could only place his hand gently on her cheek like his mother had done to him, brushing his thumb against her skin and memorizing each of her features while he still could. "You're…"

He couldn't even get the words out, but he had to try. Swallowing hard, he looked into her eyes, mirror versions of his own. "You're so beautiful," he finally managed.

A wide smile bloomed on her face then, and it made everything inside Barry feel lighter, warmer. "I can't wait to meet you," he whispered.

She reached up to take his hand from her cheek, holding it in both her own.

"You're ready."

Barry blinked one more time, and she was gone. Instead, it was himself standing in front of him, complete in his Flash gear and a confident smile on his face. Speed Force-Barry gripped his hand tighter as Barry smiled in return, then in a flash of light, he fell back through the dark clouds into the freak lightning storm, each bolt lighting each nerve ending and sparking them to life, bringing him back to life. Thunder echoed around him, but as he fell through the sky, Barry relished in the sound vibrating through his entire being, and then he was falling into a violent swirl of blue and white and opened his eyes to see a breach closing above him—and the people he loved standing over him.

"Barry?!"

"Barry!"

Someone bodily lifted him up, and then he was pulled into a firm hug he could recognize as his father's. Everyone was talking at once, and just as his father loosened his grip, he was passed around until everyone had had a chance to hug him—Joe, Iris, Cisco, Harry.

"You okay, Allen?" the doctor asked gruffly, his eyes shining suspiciously.

Barry couldn't help the grin as he took in the faces around him, nodding back at Harry. "Yeah, fine. Sorry I made everyone worry."

He readied himself to start running, but then remembered there was something caught tightly in his grasp. The book that the Speed Force, his mother, gave him as a gift to himself…and his daughter…he hadn't let go of it on his way back. Now, he carefully put it down on the table to the side of the lab. He would ensure that his daughter would have the chance to read the book, that her parents would be there to read the book to her and with her. But first, she and her mother, both people he loved so much, had to be saved from the clutches of a villain who had been allowed free reign for too long. When he started pulling his cowl on, readying himself to run, Cisco spoke up.

"Uh…what are you doing…?"

"I have to go get Caitlin," Barry replied, as though it was the most obvious answer in the world. After everything the Speed Force showed him, after everything he had come to terms with, everything he had learned…the confidence he gained and the wisdom he'd learned never left him. It made him feel ready to take on the world, as though being broken and being put back together was the most wonderous, powerful thing that could have happened to him. And, in a way, it was.

Cisco pulled him back to the present with a firm hand on his arm. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't! It's only been a day since you were stuck in the Speed Force—I vibed you, by the way, you're welcome—but CCPD is overrun with metas Zoom brought over from Earth-2. You're only one person, how are you going to get past them and get Caitlin out safely?!"

"Cisco's right," Iris piped up. "We need to come up with a plan."

Barry hadn't counted on meeting any sort of resistance when his first instinct after getting back was to make sure Caitlin and their daughter were rescued. When he showed no signs of stopping, Cisco tightened his grip. "Please," he pleaded, Joe, Henry, and Harry coming to stand behind him. "We just got you back after thinking you were dead, let's not half-ass this. Not now."