I have a system for this: Dipper, Mabel, Lori and then Lisa. And possibly any other short. But a couple of reviewers sent me transcripts of their own version of this and I couldn't pass it up. Thanks you two guests and snake screamer for the ideas.
I own nothing.
Dipper and Lincoln's Guide 4: The Mailbox
[Static. The screen then show's Dipper and Lincoln.]
Dipper: Welcome back, we've now changed the title to "Dipper and Lincoln's Guide to the Unexplained"
Lincoln: I've become more interested on what's been going on in Gravity Falls, and what better way to know more than to be with someone who's been searching and stuff.
Lucas: Right you are Linc. Now on this episode, Anomaly #54 The Mailbox. Can you move it to the Mailbox, Lana?"
Lana [Offscreen]: I don't know I'm doing this, you could've gotten a tri-pod for this.
[She then pointed the camera at a mailbox]
Lincoln: It's just here, in the middle of the forest. No house or address. Today the team of experts…
Soos [walks up to the mailbox]: Sup?
Dipper: Are gonna put a letter in and see who picks it up.
Soos: My letter posits a salient question: "Sup Dawg?" [Puts the letter in mailbox]
Dipper: Now we're gonna hide behind a bush, and wait for someone to come by-
[He didn't get a chance a finish, due to the mailbox shakes.]
Lucas and Lincoln: What the?!
Soos [backs away]: Oh, dude!
[The flag then raises]
Soos: Did you dudes see that?!
[Lincoln went over to the mailbox, opened it and took out the letter.]
Lincoln: Holy cow! It's not our letter!
Dipper: Seriously?!"
[Lincoln gave the letter to Soos and he opened it.]
Soos: "Hello Lucas, Lincoln and Soos."
Lucas: It knows our names!
Soos: What if this thing's all-knowing?
Dipper: We gotta test it.
[Static. The boys and their sisters, sans Leia are at the mailbox.]
Lori: I'm still think you punking us.
Lincoln: Just do it Lori
Lori [sighs]: Fine. [Writes and says] 'Will Bobby Santiago and I get married?'
[Lori places the letter in the mailbox and closes it. Everyone who didn't witness it earlier, gasp when the mailbox shakes and stops. Lori opens it and looks at it.]
Lori [reads it]: 'Surprises are better, Lori. You'll have to find out yourself.' [happily] There's a chance of it happening!
[Static]
Lisa: 'How many dimensions are there in Superstring and Bosonic String Theory?' [Places the letter in.]
[Static]
Lisa [reads]: Superstring: 10 Bosonic: 26 Hmm, fascinating.
[Static.]
Dipper: 'When is the end of the world?'
[Static]
Dipper: '3012' Huh. We've got a while.
Luan: You sure? It Maya be wrong! Haha!
[Everyone else groans.]
Luna: 'What is one thing I'm getting for Christmas?'
[Static]
Luna [shouts happily]: A MULTI NECK GUITAR! Thank you Santa!
Soos: Let's ask it more questions!
Everyone: Yeah!
Lucy: 'What will happen in my future?'
[Static.]
Lucy: 'Your path is in flux, wait and you shall see' Wicked.
[Static]: 'What was shaved into my head this morning?'
Lynn: I bet 5 bucks it was shark spinning a basketball.
Leni: I bet it was a baby duck holding a paddleball.
[Static]
Soos: 'A baby duck holding a paddleball' Dudes! It knew!
[Soos removed his hat and showed it to the group. Lynn saw it and groaned.]
Lynn [begrudgingly gives the money to Leni.] You helped him didn't you?
Leni [happily]: He didn't say who it was.
[Static]
Lincoln: Let's see, what should we ask it next… I got it! Let's ask it who's the author of Journal 3!
Dipper: That's brilliant bro!
Lola: Not as interesting as asking it if I'll be winning Miss Universe when I'm older, but go ahead.
Lana: Ooo, after you guys, I'm going to ask if I'll be a professional Mud Wrestler! Among my other jobs.
Dipper [to Lincoln]: We're finally gonna get the answer to the greatest mystery in Gravity Falls!
Lincoln: By golly this is so cool!
[Mabel, who was absent for most of it, comes and see the mailbox.]
Leia: Nifty! A mailbox! I've been wanting to mail Mom this video of my sticking 100 gummy worms up my nose! [Puts a package inside.]
Luna [To Mabel]: Uh sis, I don't think that's wise.
Dipper: No, wait!
Mabel: Slam! [Slams the mailbox door.]
[The flag raises, everyone, sans Mabel, are skeptical. Lincoln opens it and take out a letter.]
Luan: What does it say?
Lincoln: 'Your gummy worm video has disturbed and insulted me. You fools are unworthy of my great knowledge. The era of human enlightenment shall never come to pass'.
Lynn: Uh, what does that mean?
Lisa [readjusts her glasses]: My glasses maybe playing illusions on me. Or is the mailbox glowing?
[Everyone looks at it and is indeed glowing.]
Lori: HIT THE DECK!
Everyone [Runs away]: AAAHH!
[The mailbox implodes and it goes to static. Everyone is then shown to be standing in the middle of a scorched clearing. They all looked disheveled, with some clothes torn, but not too revealing.]
Dipper: Well, uh that concludes Dipper and Lincoln's Guide to the Unexplained.
Lincoln: Yes, and also an important note. We learned when dealing with the unknown. [Angrily, to Mabel] DO NOT MAIL VIDEOS OF YOU SHOVING GUMMY WORMS UP YOUR NOSE!
Leni: Yeah! Like, that's disgusting sis!
Lola: Yeah, Mabel! Have some class!
Lana: Yeah, I need help. I can only stick 50.
Leia [oblivious to their anger and pulls out gummy worms]: There's more where that came from! [Singing] Into my nose! INTO MY NOSE!
Lori: Cut the camera!
Dipper and Lincoln: NO! SHOW'S OVER! SHOW'S OVER! [Covers the camera]
[Static.]