Star Wars: Return of the Sith

24: Tenn's Tale: Only Darkness Awaits

By Nanaki

228 A.B.Y.

As usual, the best part of Negian's day was the first few seconds he was awake. For those blissful few moments where he was blinking his eyes, not even really aware of who he was, he was entirely free of his pain. But then he'd wake up fully and it would all come rushing back, not only the despair, but a very real pain in his chest that made it feel like he couldn't breathe. Negian would gladly have given up his right arm in order to not feel this way, but of course, it wasn't that easy. That was probably the most frustrating part, though; there was nothing he wouldn't do for her, nothing he wouldn't sacrifice for her, and yet even that wasn't enough, somehow. If she didn't want to get married, that was fine. If she didn't want to have younglings, that was fine too. He'd been convinced that her own biological clock would eventually change her mind about that, anyway. He didn't care what she wanted, or didn't want, as long as they were together.

As Negian stretched, then sat up in bed, he reflected that he really, truly didn't want to think about this anymore. So of course, he couldn't think about anything else. Even sleep wasn't a refuge, since he dreamed about her all the time. He only got a few seconds a day of relief, when he first woke up. In fact, he was tempted to break his sleep schedule up into several shorter naps, instead of one long stretch, just so he could experience that relief more often. But, that probably wasn't the road to good mental health.

Almost immediately after the breakup, Master Vao had been sent off to the Outer Rim to deal with a Black Sun vigo who was getting a little too ambitious and ruthless, even by Outer Rim standards. The crime lord's plans had turned out to be rather more complicated and grandiose than they'd expected, so it had taken nearly six weeks to properly investigate things and bring the organization down. Negian had hoped that the pain was so acute because it had all happened so suddenly, and then he hadn't seen her since. It was like trying to quit a drug addiction all at once, instead of gradually reducing your intake. Most people just couldn't do it. But now he'd been back for two weeks, and the pain in his chest was only growing worse.

Most of the time when he ran into her, she just avoided eye contact and didn't say a word, which somehow was still like a slap in the face every time it happened, even though he knew to expect it now. When she did feel it necessary to talk to him, she never said anything friendly or affectionate, or even angry. She just said as little as possible while acting like he was a casual acquiantance she didn't know very well. He would have preferred angry to that, as long as she acknowledged how important he was to her, or had been, at least.

Negian let out a long sigh that turned into a groan of frustration. He knew he wasn't handling this well, but nothing he did seemed to help. Meditation was flat-out impossible, as he literally couldn't empty his mind. Even drawing on the Force, feeling the energy from that vast ocean of light flowing into him, brought precious little comfort. Lately, there seemed to be a dark storm brewing on the horizon of that ocean as well. Negian didn't want to ask anyone for help about this. After all, teenage couples broke up all the time, so it wasn't anything unusual. But, he was legitamitely afraid of what might happen to him if he didn't find some way to relieve this pain. Also, the person who could be the most help was the person he least wanted to talk to about it. He didn't think he could put it off any longer though. He needed to talk to Master Vao.

.

Negian was waiting on the steps of the parking garage under the temple when Alaric's speeder pulled in that morning, studying the cracks in the duracrete in an attempt to distract himself. "Negian, you're up early. For you." His master observed as he walked toward the stairs. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" Alaric asked, though he had a pretty good idea.

"I'm not sleeping well lately." Negian answered obliquely, not taking his gaze from the floor. "I'm not doing anything well lately, to be honest." Now he looked up.

"That's not exactly my assessment, based on how you recently brought down an entire organized crime syndicate, with only limited guidance from me." Alaric replied gently.

"Limited guidance?" Negian became more animated now. "You were fighting all twenty of his elite guards single-handedly, while I was just copying all the data in their computers!"

"Given our particular skill set, fighting the guards was by far the easier of those two tasks." Alaric pointed out. "Anyway, let's head to my office, where no rogue Padawan ears will overhear us."

A few minutes later, Negian found himself sitting in one of the uncomfortable guest chairs in Master Vao's office. It was a small space, but it had a great view of the gardens in the center of the temple. "Negian, I can guess what's bothering you." Alaric said as soon as he settled into his own chair.

"I imagine you can." Negian smiled weakly. "I know you've been through it too, more than once. It's just... it feels like there's a giant fist squeezing each of my hearts, and I don't know what to do about it."

"Well, there's nothing to do." Alaric said bluntly. "I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. You're not going to wake up one morning and suddenly realize you're over her. It's more a case of the pain very gradually lessening, while you slowly learn to live with it."

"But isn't there... some kind of meditation that might help?" Negian hated the note of desperation in his voice as he asked. "Isn't it possible to use the Force to modify memories?"

"Yes, it is POSSIBLE." Alaric nodded. "In some cases. This isn't one of them. Think about the logistics of what you're proposing. How are you going to erase the memory of the person who was the most important thing in your life for the last two and a half years, while leaving the rest intact? Would your memories even make sense if Tenn was suddenly yanked out of them?"

"No. I was just grasping at straws with that, anyway." Negian admitted.

"I can offer you one small ray of light, at least." Alaric folded his hands in front of him. "The pain is especially sharp now because it's the first time this has happened to you. And when it's the first time you've formed that kind of bond with someone, it feels like an incredible, once in a lifetime thing that can't possibly happen again. But the good news is, it absolutely can happen again, and will, as long as you're open to it."

"But, I don't WANT it to happen with someone else." Negian felt a fresh burst of anger welling up inside him.

"I know that feeling well." Alaric nodded in sympathy. "I mean, you've seen holos of Tenn's mother, right? Just imagine how long it took me to accept the fact that I was never going to see HER naked again." Negian suddenly sat up straighter, eyebrows raised, but he didn't say a word. "Oh kark. That thought hadn't even hit you yet, had it?" Alaric realized. Negian didn't respond. "Well, I wish I could say I'm sorry, but honestly, you need to accept that waiting for her to come to her senses is a fool's game. They never do."

"Master..." Negian finally found his voice again. "This is... somewhat less comforting than I was hoping."

"I know." Alaric offered a halfhearted smile. "Honestly though, hope is not your friend right now."

.

Negian found himself numbly shuffling down the halls toward the sparring rooms, having some vague idea in his head about taking out his frustration on some training droids. The person he'd been counting on to provide some relief had done nothing but assure him that his suffering would continue for a long time to come. He wished those giant fists squeezing his hearts would hurry up and finish things already.

"Well, it looks like your eyes are finally open."

Negian looked up in irritation. "Can I help you, Seco?"

"I don't need help. But I think you do." Seco smiled smugly.

"Any fool could see that." Negian growled.

"Honestly, I'm sorry you're suffering, but I'm glad you're back to seeing the world as it really is." Seco explained, sounding surprisingly sincere.

"What do you mean, 'as it really is'?" Negian wondered out loud.

"This world, this whole existence we inhabit... Is nothing but suffering, broken up by brief moments of relief here and there. You used to know that." Seco pointed out.

"I still know that." Negian growled. "I just deluded myself into thinking that my moment of relief might actually last a lifetime. Anyway, I doubt our masters would be thrilled to hear us talking this way."

"Oh, Master Sebatyne understands." Seco shrugged. "Think about what existence is like for all the multitudes of non-sentient creatures in the galaxy. They spend their days constantly trying to find enough food to stay alive, while constantly on the lookout for other animals that want to eat them. Herbivore or carnivore, it doesn't make much difference. Their only real motivation, their only reason for existing, is to pass on their genetic material before they die. That's it. We self-aware beings like to pretend that we're not part of that same cycle, that we've risen above it. But that's just wishful thinking."

"I don't deny that Seco, but WHERE are you going with this?" Negian demanded.

"Maybe it's time we give ourselves top priority, instead of the Jedi Order." Seco said, so mildly that it took Negian a second to register the full impact of his words.

"Wait. Are you saying... we should LEAVE?" Negian frowned, thinking that he had somehow misunderstood.

"That's one possibility." Seco nodded. "This is supposed to be an all-volunteer organization, but we were never given a choice in the matter like everyone else here."

"But... They took us in when we had nowhere else to go." Negian protested. "They literally lifted us up from nothing, and made us powerful."

"We were BORN powerful." Seco countered. "Look, I'm not saying we should turn AGAINST the Jedi. But kids are supposed to move out on their own when they grow up. I'm just saying, maybe we should see what else is out there."

"We know what else is out there." Negian's eyes narrowed. "A whole lot of pain and suffering, that our power can help prevent."

"Exactly. OUR power." Seco emphasized. "Maybe it's time that WE started deciding how to use it, instead of the Order."

"You're saying you want us to be like Sith? Only using our powers for our own benefit, ignoring everything else?"

"No, I didn't say that." Seco replied calmly. "But at the same time, not everyone can spend their lives being completely altruistic. That's why we venerate people like Luke Skywalker. If everyone could be like him, he wouldn't be so special."

"Raagh!" Negian pounded his fists against the wall. "Why are you springing this on me now, Seco?! I'm barely keeping it together as it is!"

"That's exactly why." Seco admitted. "I think you're finally in the right state of mind to seriously consider it."

Negian let out a long sigh. "For the sake of argument, let's say I was interested. What do you see us doing anyway, if we stop being Jedi?"

"Honestly, I don't know." Seco shrugged. "But aren't you curious about what we COULD do out there, with no limits on our behavior? No limits on what powers we can learn?"

"No limits on who we hurt?" Negian asked pointedly. "Seco, this sounds like a pretty slippery slope to me. What's to stop us from going over to the dark side?"

"Nothing. Not a damn thing, other than our own judgment." Seco answered smugly. "And to be honest, I trust my own judgment more than anything else in this galaxy. We're rational beings. Aren't we capable of deciding how to use our power? Who deserves our help?"

"I don't think I can trust my own judgment at all right now." Negian admitted.

"Negian..." Now Seco looked a little more serious. "There is not a straight man in this galaxy who wouldn't go after Tenn if the opportunity was in front of him. Myself included. And you did everything right! You were completely loyal and committed to her. It's not your fault she has crippling commitment issues. Do you really want to keep hanging around this place, hoping against hope that she'll come to her senses eventually?"

Negian looked up at the ceiling now, pausing a second before answering. "No. That's a fool's game. I just... want this pain to end, whatever it takes."

"Then let's find out!" Seco said excitedly, taking a step forward. "Let's get out there, and find out what it takes."

Negian glanced at him doubtfully. "It doesn't sound like a good idea. But then, apparently I'm quite susceptible to bad ideas. Let me think it over." With that, he continued on down the hall before Seco could say anything else. It was true that right now, he'd rather not be here. The temple only seemed to contain suffering and humiliation. Plus, whenever he ran into Tenn, he really wanted to kill himself. Or her. Or both. He was never quite sure what the ball of rage in his stomach was trying to tell him. Whatever that feeling was, it was even worse than the pain of being without her. It really might be better if he left, at least for a while.

On the other hand, it could well be that this was his first real test as a Jedi, and he was on the verge of failing it. Wouldn't a true Jedi be willing to bear the burden of great pain for the greater good? But what greater good could possibly come out of this? What light was waiting at the end of this tunnel? That was the real question, he decided, and he'd better have an answer for it the next time Seco bothered him.

.

"You're a lot like me... You've been walking through this world's darkness... That's why even a tiny ray of light ought to reach your eyes. Whether in the past... Or now..."

"I shut my eyes a long time ago... The things I seek lie only in the darkness." - Gaara of the Sand and Uchiha Sasuke, Naruto (manga version)

.

(Nanaki's note: I cheated a bit with this chapter, considering that this flashback is supposedly being told from Tenn's point of view, but I figured that Tenn could have plausibly heard about most of this from her father later.

Anyway, I'm betting that a lot of you are guessing that Tenn and Negian's relationship troubles were inspired by Leonard and Penny on The Big Bang Theory, and those of you close to my age are probably guessing it's actually based more on Eric and Donna from That 70s Show. While neither of those guesses is entirely wrong, (Tenn had a thought in the last chapter that was paraphrased from Penny's "praise" of Leonard: "And in bed, boy, he tries REALLY hard.") it's actually based more on my own life than anything else. That bit about how the best part of Negian's day is the first few seconds he's awake, when he really doesn't remember anything? Yeah, that's all personal experience. But, everyone who didn't marry their high school sweetheart has probably been in that place at some point in their lives, likely more than once.

If anyone reading is going through that right now, and this chapter made you relive it, man, I'm really sorry. It really is the worst feeling on Earth, I know. Worse than being fired, (Yep, I've done that one too.) worse than having some idiot wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat come into your place of work and realizing you can't give him the punch in the face he so richly deserves. Anyway, enough of that depressing line of thought. On with the story.)