A/N: Sorry this took so long. We're nearing the end. A few chapters left and we'll conclude.
For a refresher, we now jump to the timeline in chapters The Empty Shell and The One Left Behind.
Italicized are Sesshomaru's thoughts.
Italicized Bold is the video playing.
Thanks for sticking around.
To See Her Once Again
-First year-
They say that time heals all wounds….
How long has it been?
I don't know anymore, I lost track of time.
The Inuyoukai curled himself on the floor, the images of the TV flickering in the dark of his room. An empty DVD case with the label Yuinou sat neglected before him. His eyes, once full of golden life was glazed over.
The trail of tears on his cheeks had never really dried…
And he lay there,
empty and exhausted, but the tears would not stop.
And he knew they wouldn't, he had been here before.
Many times before.
The camera's view shifted to another package, blurring as the focus was brought back to Kagome. "This one's called Tomo... tomo... shiraya?" Kagome asked, and Sesshomaru's voice drifted into the video.
"Shiraga," he corrected, and Kagome nodded.
All I know is that I miss her,
Every day the world goes on, and people tell me things will get better…
"Tomoshiraga," she continued, "Tomo means together, Shiraga means White Hair." She tightened her hold on Sesshomaru's hand, and she smiled softly. "so that Sesshomaru-sama and I can live together until we grow old..."
Nothing is happening.
Nothing is changing.
I…still miss her…
"No, he's quite the shy one. As you've noticed he never puts up any verbal or physical display when other people are around. But he doesn't need to... I know he loves me, and I trust him."
Kagome ran her hand tenderly through his hair, careful not to wake him.
He closed his eyes, imagining her hands running tenderly through his hair, reliving the moment, the sensation, the feeling of her touch. And his jaw tightened in restraint,
Frustrated, heartbroken.
You said you'd always be there when I needed you.
You said you'll be waiting at the corners until I call.
You said, that even if we're far apart, you'll do everything in your strength just to be with me.
He curled to himself in fetal position and he cried his heart out. Wishing his tears would reach her, to wherever distant sky she was under,
wishing she would hear.
Where are you?
Where are you…
Kagome… where are you. You promised me… you promised me…
The daiyoukai reached out, touching the screen, tracing his fingers on the outline of her face. And his hands tingled, yearning for the sensation of her skin, soft… and warm…
"Ehhh, but still, wouldn't it be nice for him to display a little bit of affection?"
"Yes, I admit, it would be nice for him to do so..." Kagome said, "And I will be waiting, Kikyo, until the time comes when he won't be embarrassed to hold my hand, won't be too shy to say those three words to me out loud."
Sesshomaru broke down and sobbed like a child. A lost child, with only the laughter of his best friend, his mate, which was now as distant as a dream, as the only anchor in this now confusing world.
I'll do anything, I won't hold back on my affections,
I promise to hold your hand, even with other people around… I'll hold it tight until my hands bleed and I'll fucking never let go…
And I'll tell you I love you, I promise to tell you I love you…every waking hour of your life, in every chance that I can get,
"And I'll never be ashamed to tell this to him again and again
Because I want him to know this, because he needs to always remember."
"Kagome," he whispered, drowning in despair, "I'll do all that and more…
I'll do anything…"
She leaned down and brushed his bangs away from his forehead, and she planted a soft kiss on his cheek.
"I love you, Sesshomaru." she whispered, "I love you." And the video finally faded into black.
I'll do anything…
I just want to hold you again,
I just want to see you again.
He stared at the running water in the bathroom sink, his vision flickering before him. Empty bottles lay scattered on the floor, the tips of his fingers were losing sensation. His lips were starting to feel numb.
The sting of the poison he drank burned in his tongue.
Sesshomaru swayed, and he allowed himself to feel the rush of the deadly liquid burn through his veins. As the room spun around him, he had to brace his hands on the sink as he heaved.
Blood from his damaged gut rushed into his throat, out of his mouth. He threw up a violent spatter of bright red, and he watched in detachment as it spiraled down the drain, along with the rushing water from the school's bathroom faucet.
I want to see you again…
He did not get the chance to say goodbye to her. Even at her funeral, and he could barely remember when it was because everything else in his life since her death was like a cloudy, fucked-up blur, the Higurashi Patriarch forced him out of the Shrine.
It was a closed casket service.
Why would he hold a closed-casket service?
Memories of his Shrine Girl, crying, begging him to take her with him flooded his mind…
And at that moment the only thing he wanted to do was to open the casket. There was a violent confrontation between him and the patriarch, and the Daiyoukai's father had to drag him out of the Shrine, angered at how he could make such a public accusation,
Ashamed of his son's paranoid anger, infuriated at how his son had disrespected the wishes of the equally grieving Higurashi family.
The Daiyoukai swayed again, feeling his entire body burn up as if in fire. But he did not care anymore, he did not mind.
If this is what it takes to see you again…
Please, I just want to see you again,
He fell on his knees and onto the floor, he broke down in tears. A familiar scene for him, ever since her death he would find himself in this position.
Every fucking, dragging day,
Crying as if his tears could bring her back to life,
whispering out her name in the forsaken hope that she can hear his desperate pleas wherever she was.
But she would never answer her, he would never know if she could even hear.
And he would stay this way until someone else would find him, this broken, empty shell… lying on the floor, hiding inside himself under a torrent of tears.
Pathetic. Truly pathetic.
His father tried to reassure him that everything will get better. But as the days passed by, Sesshomaru found that his Shrine Girl's absence would only worsen the empty void in his soul. And so he would pretend to exist.
But then the memory of her blue eyes, her smile,
Her broken promises,
Would pass through his mind again.
And the process of breaking would repeat,
A vicious cycle,
Every fucking, dragging day.
How could you just leave me like this…
How cruel of you…
Just leaving me alone like this…
His vision blurred, and a tall figure hovered over him. And the Daiyoukai thought… could this be death?
Finally,
His breathing quickened, and so did his heart. It spasmed abnormally fast he could not catch his breath.
And memories filled his mind, as vivid as it were yesterday.
That beautiful autumn afternoon and her first hesitant confession,
Their first kiss before the curtain of fireflies and stars,
Their first night together…
The scent of her sweat, her soft moans as she whispered to him that she loved him, over and over again, she loved him,
Shrine Girl…
I just… want to see you again…
He closed his eyes, welcoming death like a longtime friend.
A pain like no other. The Daiyoukai woke up to a sterile white room, the scent of bleach penetrating into his nose.
Flowers and get-well-soon balloons hovering at his bedside,
White curtains fluttering from an open window to a blue, cloudless sky.
His ribs ached, his throat burned. And his heart broke yet again, as tears spilled from his golden eyes, realizing where he was. Streaking on his cheeks, the feeling strangling at his throat. And he choked from the sobs that he could not restrain.
How cruel of you…
Even in death, you deny me this wish…
A team of white-robed people rushed towards him, frantically tending to his rousing form. Doctors and nurses…
But he did not care, because nothing seemed to matter anymore.
Nothing… is changing…
Everything still didn't make sense, everything else was still a fucked-up blur. And he cried yet again, unable to stop, like the pathetic being that he was. And yes, he had long admitted, he was pathetic.
Without her he was pathetic.
He was nothing without her. His lover, his best friend.
His Shrine Girl.
"Kagome," he could only whisper, hiding inside himself,
His soul, dying like a single candle's flicker in the dead of the night.
Please help me.
Anyone, please… help me…
I cannot move on.
I still miss her… I still miss her.
-Second Year-
He had gained the trust of his father. And of the Hanyou and the Youkai that gravitated to him in his first year of the program. He would admit, there was some resentment whenever he looked their way, whenever he was with them.
They were the ones who found him in the school bathroom after all. They were the ones who brought him to the hospital. They probably thought they were doing him a favor, by keeping him "alive". But "alive" was barely the word to describe him now,
The days that passed by was still a cloudy, fucked-up blur. Barely comprehending, barely interacting.
The mask that he put on, the one of indifference had grown impenetrable. Reflecting emptiness, of void emotion.
But the only problem was, he was not numb.
They said time heals all wounds.
How long has it been?
I don't know anymore… I lost track of time.
No one else knew that he still cried at night. That everywhere he looked there was her warm smile, that every whisper of the wind was a reminder of her laughter, and every drop of rain her vain tears.
The ache was growing deeper, rooting him into a hopeless spiral, and he had given up on finding a way out… sinking deeper and deeper into despair.
I want to see you again,
Since his failed attempt in the school bathroom, his heartbroken father forcefully seized all reminder that he had of her.
He said he burned it all.
His father hounded him every minute at home. And the hanyou and his mate never left his side at school.
But today would be different.
It had been a year since his last attempt, and it seemed like they had somewhat trusted him.
He gathered his messenger bag near his person and slipped his hand inside, feeling the crumpled picture of him and his Shrine Girl in his hands…
The one she brought with her that rainy night, when she was knocking on his gate, crying out to him in confused misery, begging him for help.
It was the only memento of them that he was able to save.
His hands then reached deeper, feeling the cold weight of the concealed gun. He had fully loaded it in secrecy this morning.
Shrine Girl…
I can't wait to see you again.
"… trying to get her pregnant." The hanyou was saying, but Sesshomaru was not able to catch all he said.
"Oh," The inuyoukai answered absently, as a warm breeze blew his way. He looked towards the direction of the cherry trees,
Momentarily lost in his memories of blue eyes and a warm, sheltering smile.
"But if I am successful, if I really do get her pregnant, it's gonna be a whole other shit show."
Sesshomaru gave him a glance. "Why is that?"
"What do you mean why is that? A female is on her most vulnerable when she is pregnant… especially with a youkai child. Staying with her is not necessary, some strict households don't even follow tradition anymore. And my Kagura can very well protect herself.
But things happen. And if it ever does, at least I'm there should things turn downhill.
I believe, Sesshomaru, that if you love your chosen one, you should never leave her side when she is on her most vulnerable.
Never."
The Inuyoukai steeled his mask of indifference as he recoiled into his own thoughts. The hanyou's mate had arrived, sparing him the task of pretending to listen. As they started their lunch, another warm wind blew their way.
He turned his head absently to the breeze, feeling it sift through his hair, imagining, in his desperate, broken mind that it was her soft little kisses,
Gently fluttering over his skin.
Even if it were true,
And even if it weren't…
I shouldn't have left your side.
This regret… only adds to all the reasons why I don't deserve your forgiveness…
I shouldn't have left you.
You… and our child…
Who knows… what both of you had to endure.
Images flashed in his mind,
of him walking away from her,
as her eyes dripped tears and her hands dripping blood,
Scratching the message she so desperately clawed for him on the wooden floor.
Will you both forgive me? Do I even deserve forgiveness? I guess I'll get to find out when I see you again…
I can't wait to see you again.
A girl interrupted their lunch. She asked for his presence, and he quietly excused himself. Another confession, or was it? Maybe it was because she was blushing as she spoke. And she cried when he looked down and said he was sorry.
He didn't know anymore. He didn't care.
I can't wait to see you again.
He walked back towards the hanyou and his mate. The wind youkai was telling him something, but he did not hear. "Let's stop by the Sakura trees on our way." Sesshomaru absently said.
"Another reject?" The youkai said, and Sesshomaru nodded his head and picked up his belongings, relieved to find the same heavy weight as he lifted his bag,
His soul almost breaking in anticipation.
"Maybe that's what's missing, you idiot. Maybe you just need a decent fuck or something."
All else that followed was blurred from his mind. Only the thought of his Shrine Girl's smile lingered in his thoughts, only the warmth of her presence would matter. Everything else was nothing.
They walked in silence towards the rows of Sakura, its pink blossoms reminding him of the first time they met. He breathed the fragrant air from the snow of blossoms, his heart aching so bad the pressure was crippling. And he thought of her smile, her laughter,
Her blue eyes,
The Daiyoukai turned to the hanyou and his mate. He would have told them to go to class ahead, and he would have told them he wanted to stay-
Just for a few minutes.
And under the shower of petals, surrounded by a hundred and fifty years of memories of her love, he would plant a bullet in his head.
What a beautiful day to see you again.
Sesshomaru gathered himself to speak. But then the warm breeze suddenly brought a familiar scent, a painfully sheltering presence.
His heart raced uncontrollably,
And he turned back… to the rows of Sakura trees. And it was then that the world stopped around him, time suspended around him.
Sesshomaru held his breath. "It can't be," he barely whispered.
Underneath a fully bloomed cherry tree was his Shrine Girl,
His beautiful Kagome,
Reaching out to catch the falling petals on her hands.