The Diego Diaries: Kicking Back (dd7 229)
=0=Hallway to The Primal Residence
Ironhide stepped out of the elevator with a huge box he could barely see over. A breeze blasted past him so he lowered it to see Prowl waving to him as the elevator doors closed. He stared at the lights as the elevator began to descend, then frowned slightly. "Hello to you, too, slagger." He looked toward the huge double doors of the penthouse, then began to walk that general direction. Kicking the door, he heard a voice inside.
"Come in, Ironhide," he could hear Prime say through the heavy doors.
"Open the door, slagger," Ironhide muttered as he barely managed the doorknob, then slipped inside. Closing the door with his aft, he tottered toward the living room chairs where he knew Prime was sitting.
He was using his internal mech locator sensors, that's how.
"Hello, Ironhide. That is you behind the box, right?" Prime asked with amusement from his chair and the 'command center' that Prowl had situated around him.
Ironhide guessed where the coffee table was and set the box down. It hit the floor with a thud while glass inside the box clinked together. Staring down, he noted with relief that their people really knew how to make stuff good. He glanced at Prime, then grinned.
Optimus Prime, Messiah of The People was sitting comfortably in his big old chair. A rolling table spanned his lap, one that Prowl had ordered from Home Healthcare just for this. Another table from the same place sat beside him holding remotes, a stack of his favorite books and other entertainment items. On the other side was a table stacked with comm devices and a computer for him to 'stay in contact only if you have to, Optimus. I got this' kind of thing. Before him was a table where an EXQUISITE array of food and drink sat which were perfectly plated on the house china and put before him for lunch with the caveat that 'I will be back after lunch to move this. Don't you or else'.
Like that.
Ironhide stared at Prime's medium well steak, potatoes, more potatoes of some kind, a big dessert that was a huge slab of Celebration cake, another big dessert that looked like cheesecake with some kind of fruity sauce on it, a plate with what looked like still warm bread and a dish of butter next to it, something that looked like marbles with crackers, a nice looking salad that even he thought he would eat, a beer and a small dish of his medications. "Frag."
Prime laughed. "Amazing is it not? Prowl is nothing if not thorough," he said. "What do you have?" He grinned almost smugly at Ironhide guessing without much prompting that beer would be the entree and whatever else they had as the 'item of the orn' at The Takeout Place would be the rest of it. That and a lot of stuff that Ironhide saw on the shelves of the restaurant while waiting in line that 'enhanced the dining pleasure'.
Like that.
Ironhide frowned at him, then looked into his box. "I have a lot of great stuff. Wanna trade?"
"Nope."
Ironhide frowned at Prime again. "Slagger." He put the box to one side, pulled the coffee table toward his or rather Prowl's chair, then sat. Rummaging around, he began to extract a lot of enticing stuff. Out came a box filled with chili dogs, regular hot dogs and chili cheese. Out came the Cybertronian version of Cheetos, dip, a pack of Cybertronian Ding-Dongs, several slices of cheese pizza, one with 'everything', a pack of onion rings and dip, a box of tacos, a box of what looked like the snack cakes 'Ho-Hos', a box of something called 'moon pies' and some 'Coca-Cola' for ice cream floats if Prime had any ice cream and beer.
Lots and lots of beer.
Ironhide picked up the box of tacos, then sat back. "Cheerio."
Prime grinned, then looked at a long note with perfect handwriting that Prowl had detailed 'About lunch, Optimus ...' then grinned. Caretaker Prowl was almost as amusing as Pissed Off Prowl. He read it, then looked at the marbles and crackers. He followed the directions, put them on the cracker, then put the entire thing in his mouth. He bit in, then froze.
Ironhide who had finished three tacos in three bites and was halfway through his first beer glanced at him. "What's wrong?"
Prime with effort swallowed the 'marbles' and cracker. "That was not good."
Ironhide stared at the plate. The crackers looked good but the marbles didn't. "This looks familiar."
"The humans call it caviar," Prime said as he hoped to the bottom of his peds that Ironhide would do what he usually did when dead drunk and empty the bowl into his mouth. He watched Ironhide out of the corner of his optic as he sipped his beer in relief of something at hand that tasted better.
Ironhide stared at the bowl, leaned in to sniff it, then picked it up. "You mind?" he asked.
"Nope," Prime said as delight blossomed in his processor.
The heathen.
Ironhide stared at the bowl from all sides, then poured the contents into his mouth. He crunched then froze. The marbles burst like bubbles and his mouth was filled with an overpowering 'fishy' taste. Salty, fishy, unbearably awful. He glanced at Prime who was smirking at him as he then glanced around for a container to spew it out.
Prime watched him. "Everything that you can spit that into is an ancient antique of The People. Prowl picked them to serve as a showcase for visitors."
Ironhide glared at him, then made himself swallow. It took a few seconds and a lot of facial contortions before he could. He reached for a beer, opened it, then drained it almost immediately. "In the name of all that's holy … that tasted like slag."
"I did not like that they popped," Prime said nodding in agreement.
"Try a whole bowl of them," Ironhide said as he wolfed down the last two tacos in the box.
He sat back almost mollified, then glanced at Prime. "How do you feel?"
"A lot better," Prime said as he took his medicine and a sip of beer. "I'm not really feeling much pain until I move."
"Then let's tie one on. I'm off duty. You are. I have a chair. You have a chair. Win-win," Ironhide said as he reached for chili dogs from the bottomless box.
"What about something coming up? Some emergency," Prime said as he savored at bite of his steak. Steak and potatoes, whipped, mashed … whipped and mashed with a light crust … with cheese on top … fries …
"Frag that. It looks like Prowl ripped the console out of a shuttle and put it on the table there," he said nodding to the comm devices beside him. "Ratchet has the cure. What can go wrong?"
"You convinced me until the last part, Ironhide," Prime said with a chuckle as he drained his beer. "Do you have a spare Praxian Black Label in your shuttle there?"
Ironhide laughed, then tossed him one. Then he settled a six pack on Prime's comm table before putting one on his lap. "This is the life, Prime. Sometimes you have to let down your hair."
"I do not have hair, Ironhide," Prime said with a grin as he took a sip of his second beer.
Ironhide chuckled as he wolfed down his third chili dog and started his third beer. It was a good thing he was sitting down for this. At this rate they'd have to order more stuff before too long.
It was also a good thing that his ada had shaken him down before he went to The Takeout Place for Halo.
=0=Diner On The Corner
"And then that was that," Madura said as everyone nodded.
Prowl and Ratchet sat amongst the Squad with amusement. The conversation was normal, funny and full of the life of the colony and family. It wasn't the conversation you would've heard amidst a gathering of high castes on Cybertron in the orn. Prowl's ada, Miler, Prime's ada, Kestrel, all of Ratchet's ammas and ada, all of Ironhide's ammas and ada who had Halo, Madura with son, Rugur, Edict and Bron-E who had the orn off to get certified in some sort of program for her job at The Pioneer School #1 in the education building at Metrotitan later on in the afternoon, Lazlo who canceled open door for students and Joon were schmoozing together like long lost friends.
Both 'long lost' and 'friends' applied here.
:This is fun: Ratchet said as he listened to Miler and Kestrel tell about Orion's/Lord Optimus's recovering among a group who were heartily glad to hear it. :When do we tie one on? When the Messiah is on his peds again? When are the boyz going out to raise a ruckus, such as they do?:
Prowl grinned at him. :Not for now. I don't want Optimus to be delayed in feeling up to himself. He really got dinged. Sitting at home is a good thing. Thank Solus Prime for allowing him to get past the audial damage. I suspect he'll take a nap after lunch. He really feels it this time:
:Getting blowed up over 600 feet will do that to a mech: Ratchet said with a smile as the conversation whirled onward.
=0-Up there
"This is good," Prime said as he ate the last Ding Dong in the box, then reached for the big bag of Cybertronian Cheetos. He had traded for the Celebration cake, Ironhide's Achilles heel for Ding Dongs and Cheetos. He made out like the bandit he wasn't only because Ironhide was drunker than him at the moment.
Ironhide nodded as he savored each bite of the cake. "I know," he slurred. "More beer?"
"As always, old friend," Prime said as he held out his empty. He thought Ironhide had gripped it so he let it go. It fell on the other two on the floor next to his chair and clinked. He chuckled sweetly, then after two grabs took the beer Ironhide offered to him. "I will let you in on a little secret, old friend," he said sweetly as he opened the bottle, then took a drink.
"Okay," Ironhide said as he finished the cake, then tossed the empty plate into the box it came in. It was now the garbage bin and held all of Prime's dishes as well where he had tossed them. Unfortunately for him, they were the specially crafted china and glassware that Prowl had ordered for The Residence for special occasions.
Prime had forgotten.
Poor slagger.
But they did make a nice sound when they landed in the box and broke into a zillion pieces like all finely made, intensely thin and translucent china did when thrown in the trash.
Poor slagger.
It was silent a moment, then Ironhide glanced over at Prime as he began to pull out the several pieces of pizza from the stack next to Prowl's chair, the one on the floor beside it to stuff his face. "What secret, Prime?"
Prime glanced at him, then thought a moment through the fog. "Oh. I like beer," he said.
Ironhide grinned. "I do, too. One more thing in common, Orion Pax."
Prime grinned. "I like my name, too. I sort of hated to have to take a regnal name. Orion Prime sounds good. Do you think so?" he asked as he glanced with ENORMOUS and slightly maudlin affection at a mech he considered a brother.
"I do. You got great names in your family, Prime," Ironhide said as he handed a slice to Prime. He loved that mech so much at the moment he offered Prime the 'everything' slice.
Prime reached for it.
Ironhide released it.
It fell on a pile of beer bottles on the floor.
After a moment of struggle, Prime retrieved, then stared at it happily. "I love pizza, too," he said before the two of them scarfed down the several slices between them. Prime vented a contented sigh. "That was nice of you to share, old friend."
"That's what friends are for, Orion Prime," Ironhide said with a maudlin tone, then he chuckled. "That does sound good."
"It does, especially when my ada says it. I love how my ada says my real name."
"Did it take a while to remember you had a new name?" Ironhide asked with curiosity as he struggled to open the box of moon pies. "Slag."
Prime glanced at him, then grinned. "Let me help you, Ironhide."
Ironhide handed the box to Prime, then retrieved the box of Ho-Hos. He would have as much luck with that as Prime.
Prime finally managed to open the box and when he did the moon pies fell all over his lap. He stared at his lap, then chuckled. "Whoops," he said.
=0=Diner On The Corner
"Then we're all in agreement?" Miler said with a huge smile of delight.
"Yes," Kestrel said with equal delight. "I am looking forward to it. Why, Tagg asked me the other orn when we were going to be arrested again?"
Everyone laughed, especially Prowl and Ratchet.
It would be a good thing.
=0=Up there
"That's a great comm system here. Its one of those mobile ones you take on deep reconn bivouac, right?" Ironhide asked through the fog of a good dozen beers. He was literally feeling no pain.
Prime stared at the (several) phone(s) (singular) that was/were sitting beside him, then he snickered. "I have a very naughty idea."
Ironhide who had drained his beer then was trying to reach for another glanced at him. "You don't do naughty. That's me. I, IRONHIDE AM THE NAUGHTY ONE!"
They both roared with laughter.
Then Prime grinned and picked up the comm device. "Let us do something really fun. Let us drunk dial Earth."
Ironhide stared at Prime with emotion and before he nearly burst into tears of happiness he managed to say, "I love ya, brother."
=0=TBC 3-12-2020. 4-25-2020