The Diego Diaries: Drinkies Part Deux (dd7 231)
=0=Shortly later
It had taken all of them to lift the dead weight of Ironhide out of his 'playpen' and park him on a couch. He sort of pooled into a pile of sagging body parts when he was placed there. His elders grinned at him as Ratchet sent him the cure via WIFI. He didn't move a moment, then he did. Optics on lined as he sat up slowly, staring around like he didn't know where he was.
He didn't for a moment.
Then he looked up into the smirking faces of his family including his ada who held a smiling Halo in his arms. "What happened?" he asked as he glanced around and clarity set in. "I was kidnapped."
Huge mockery met that obvious untruth and even Halo clapped her servos together.
Ironhide glanced around at the mess, then Prowl who was staring down into the junk box, then back to his family again. "Prime made me do it," he said with a smirk of his own.
"Mech up, infant," Sun said with a chuckle. "That mech is in enough trouble without your finger pointing."
"Where is he?" Ironhide asked as he glanced around.
"He almost jumped off the balcony," Ratchet said with a chuckle. "Thank Primus that he drunk dialed Glenn or he'd be a smear on the ground below."
"Not even in jest, Ratchet," Prowl tut-tutted as he glanced at Ironhide. "What happened? As if you have to tell me," he asked as he held part of a broken plate in his servo.
"You can't blame me for that," Ironhide said. "Slagger wouldn't trade his steak and I asked."
"What did you offer?" Jack asked as he sat down beside the big lug.
"I had a lot. Hot dogs of all kinds, tacos, Ho-Hos. Slagger tried to open a box of Moon Pies and got them all over the place. I share good," he said with a smirk.
"YOU DID! You raised him right, Alie," Sun said with a chuckle.
Alor glanced around the room, then smirked at both of them. "Sure."
Huge laughter greeted that, much of it tinged with relief.
Ironhide sat back. "How's Prime?"
"Well," Ratchet said, "he's hallucinating. He had an allergic reaction to the drugs I gave him for protoform enhancement around his many and sundry wounds. Other than that ..."
Ironhide nodded, then glanced into the corner. "What are those weird horses doing here?"
Everyone stared at the horses, then they vanished.
Ratchet grinned. "Prime and I saw them on a planet once. They're nice, really nice. They must have decided to check on you two slaggers knowing what dim bulbs you can be sometimes."
"I think they came to save Optimus," Prowl said solemnly. "Glenn didn't think to call me until Optimus began to explain about them."
"Well," Ratchet said. "Thank Primus for unicorns."
"Is that what they're called?" Sun asked.
"By the humans," Ratchet said. "They told us their name which I can't pronounce."
"But it means The People, right?" Sun asked.
Ratchet thought a moment, then nodded. "Yep."
"Most names do," Sun said as the others nodded. "Not too many are named after their planet like us."
"Lucky us," Jack said with a grin. He glanced around. "Let's get this inspection proofed."
They began to clean the place up as Prowl raised Jack even further up his personal list of mechs that were worth their weight in all that was good. The big mechs took the trash and bottles in hand sending them down the debris chute in the kitchen. Jack walked out for more. "I love the debris chute. Genius invention. Maybe we can send little mech down to inspect things for us."
"Two things, Appa," Ironhide said with a grin. "I don't fit and they won't incinerate anything that isn't confirmed to be real trash."
Everyone paused their efforts to stare silently at him.
"Slaggers," he said as he grinned in spite of himself.
"I still love ya, Ironhide," Ratchet said as he wiped down the floor near the chairs. "I have to."
"I GET IT! SLAG IRONHIDE DAY!" He grinned as he walked to the couch to sit. "I feel punkish. I'm going to sit a moment and get my bearings."
"I would. It isn't like your old appas and ada are doing all the work on top of the million things they have to do on several worlds. Why, if I put in a call I bet Lissie will come. After all, she just lost a servo. Might be good exercise for her," Sun said as he picked up the garbage box to carry to the door and set outside.
Ironhide watched him, then grinned. "Slaggers. I'm surrounded by them. I nearly die in a box on the floor and all I get is slag. No one is saying, 'how do you feel?' or 'nice you didn't die' … no, you aren't, are ya."
Everyone paused to stare at him silently.
His insides shriveled just a tad. "Slaggers. CHILD ABUSE! CASTE COURT!"
"Alright," Hardie said as he set the console down in its place repaired because he was once a tech drone. The one 47 floors down smashed onto the roof of the delivery port of the great tower was toast, of course. "Caste Court now in session."
Ironhide glanced at his appa, then his other appas, then his uncles, Prowl who was laughing with a smirk on his face … 'WATCH OUT WHAT YOU WISH FOR!' stamped all over his face and Ratchet who was grinning at him as he held the shattered china in a small box. "Frag this."
"I, Hard Drive being of sound mind and body do call this court into order. Present your evidence."
Ratchet held up the box. "How about this?" he asked with his most sexy, beguiling and brilliant smile. One could almost see light sparkle off his face.
"What?" Ironhide protested. "Prime broke those. I asked for his steak and he … slaggers!"
"Who speaks for Ironhide?" Hardie asked.
No one moved so Ratchet raised his servo.
"Speak," Hardie said with a wink.
"Well, the other night in the berth-" was as far as he got.
It took a moment for the laughter to die down, especially with Raptor, then Hardie turned to Ironhide. "Comments and cases are closed. Now we deliberate."
Sun, Raptor, Jack and Blackjack walked to Hardie and huddled as all of them conversed off line.
Ironhide watched them with loathing and no little amount of fear, then turned toward Alor, Ratchet and Prowl who was still laughing. "This isn't real. It doesn't count, right, Ada?"
"You mean, just like that time when you were a sub adult and stole Appa's car for a joy ride through Praxus that nearly got you thrown into juvenile detention? You called for a court and Appa who you wronged obliged. You never learn, Sonny. Be careful what you ask for," Alor said, then he laughed loudly.
Halo who was looking at Alor smiled as her big old pa grabbed her. "APTAR!" she bellowed with delight.
"Slag right. Fragging Praxian customs. I may move to another city," Ironhide said.
"You can move to another city but you can't change your spots," Alor said mixing metaphors as he made his point. "Once a Praxian infant, always a Praxian infant. Even the law says so."
"Amen," Prowl said with a smug look of satisfaction on his face. "Welcome to my personal hell, Ironhide."
"Court in order," Hardie said as the group turned toward everyone else with enormous grins on their faces.
Ironhide stepped back unconsciously as they did.
"HEAR YE! HEAR YE!" Raptor said drawing from human literature, something he devoured like a maniac. "We gather here not to praise Ironhide but to bury him."
HUGE laughter.
"Since you called for a Caste Court, who would we be if not your loving family but to honor your request," Hardie began.
"Uh, you don't have to, Appa. I don't mind," Ironhide said with a sickly smile. At this moment with these individuals, he had no power.
None.
Frag Praxus. -Ironhide thinking ahead
"Verily, I, Hard Drive, master of much and all of that stuff that I always say according to the court rules when I bring down the hammer ..." He grinned at Ironhide's nervous angst. "It would appear that our little mech was a very, very bad little mech. RIGHT!?"
"HEAR, HEAR!" -the court, Prowl, Halo who didn't know better but was having a great time.
Not Ratchet. He had to sleep with the big doofus.
"We've weighed the evidence-" -Hardie
"WHAT EVIDENCE!? A BOX OF PLATES THAT PRIME BROKE!?" -Ironhide
"So you say, Ironhide," Prowl said darkly though he knew that Prime had done the deed. He was just enjoying his culture when it actually was enjoyable which it wasn't most of the time.
Like that.
Ironhide stared at Prowl, then the others, then he stepped behind Ratchet.
HUGE laughter and HUGE mockery about bearings and such greeted that.
"So as I was saying before Little Mech, the defendant so RUDELY interrupted me," Hardie continued with a grin on his face. "I do believe it is the will of the court that Ironhide is guilty, guilty, guilty as charged."
It was silent like a tomb for a moment.
"Aptar?"
Ironhide glanced down at his daughter who was sitting on his arm staring up at him with confusion. "What, baby?"
"Aptar, does doing lou?" she asked.
Everyone looked at her with adoration including Prowl.
She noted, then smiled brilliantly at everyone. Her neural net 'hair' shimmered beautifully around her, a most aptly named baby.
"Yes. Everyone is doing me. I doing." Ironhide smirked at them. "You wouldn't 'doing' me in from of a baby would ya, slaggers."
"YES!" -everyone but Ratchet who had to sleep with him.
Halo looked at the others, then smiled. She had no clue what was going on but the energy except for her father was brilliant. She agreed: "YES!"
Why? She didn't know.
Ironhide stared down at her with a vague sense of betrayal.
"It is the finding of this court in light of the totally, completely deserved and highly earned guilty ruling that Little Mech, often referred to as Ironhide the Much, Much, Much Younger be remanded into the custody of his elders, the luminous Hard Drive of Praxus, the flawless Raptor of Praxus-"
Raptor, ever the son of his father(s) grinned-
"The legendary Ironhide the Much, Much, Much Elder and the stupendous Blackjack the Better, Better, Best and the other Blackjack, what's his name-"
Blackjack the Other/what's his name, ever the beloved grandson of his appa frowned slightly-
"-where you will do their bidding without hesitation for the duration of a decaorn. We will call upon you orn and night to come to us to do what we need done. Be they ped rubs or taco runs, be they floor scrubs or back rubs, Ironhide the Tiny will obey. So says the court, so sayeth us all. Right-eth?" Hard Drive asked as he looked around.
"ALL HAIL HARD DRIVE OF PRAXUS!" -everyone but Ironhide. Even Ratchet and Halo hailed.
Halo: "GO TO DOIN', APPA!"
Much lovies were given to the loyal and deeply confused tiny infant before they all turned to look at the offended and deeply fragged off big infant.
He grinned almost maliciously. "I'm the Master of Arms. I have to be in the armories and plants. Ha-ha, slaggers."
"I give you leave, Hardie, to enforce this ruling," Prowl said. "I'll reassign the schedule. I think its time for Nitro to have a spin at command." Then he glanced at Ironhide. "Unless, of course, you feel invoking might help."
Ironhide felt his toes curl as he stared at his fellow cultural victim. "THANKS, PROWL!"
"You're welcome," Prowl said smugly. Then he glanced at Hardie. "Too bad Turbine wasn't here. Maybe a bit of time at the Temple will help his criminal tendencies."
Hardie grinned. "Good idea. You have to attend morning prayers with your Amma for the next decaorn."
Ironhide stared at Prowl with loathing, then the luminaries and gods of his life. "WHY NOT HAVE ME EMPTY BED PANS AT THE MEDICAL CENTER, TOO!?"
He would regret having said that.
=0=Some time later at the new store opened in Autobot City, The Parlor on Temple and 4th
They sat around a big table eating ice cream. The Residence apartment looked like new but for rugs which would be cleaned by a service. Prowl was running the show from there to watch over Prime like a hawk and everyone else was having a nosh before heading back.
Ironhide was eating a big sundae with a frown.
"Little mech looks upset," Sun said. "I get him first. I'll cheer ya up, infant."
Ironhide glance up at him, then smirked in spite of himself. "Frag you."
"'Frag you, Appa Darling' from now on. You know you wanna," Sun said as he grinned at his nephew several greats removed.
Ironhide grinned back in spite of himself. He adored all of them but he wasn't going to let them remember that too soon. "In this or whatever lifetime?"
Sun would earn a foot rub for that impertinence. It would be a long decaorn for Ironhide the Much, Much, Much Younger.
=0=On a dimensional plane nearby
Solus laughed, then glanced at the horses with light streaming out of their foreheads in the vicinity of their third eye. "Thank you, beautiful ones. You saved the day."
They stared at her with their gentle goodness. Nodding together, they vanished to go back to their dimension and the beautiful planet where they lived. Solus stayed behind to enjoy the fun. She really, really, REALLY liked Ironhide's family.
=0=TBC 3-14-2020 4-9-2020