The Diego Diaries: "Pie, ba-bee" (dd7 244)
=0=Meeting
The entire meeting skidded to a halt to watch as Ratchet began to empty his subspace. Out came a pretty towel that was laid out as a tablecloth. The pie was set down upon it with a flourish. Then Ratchet pulled out a pair of chopsticks, broke them apart, rubbed them together to smooth their surface, then clambered them into a grip. He looked at the pie, then stuck the chopsticks into it.
The entire room was silent, human and bot as Ratchet tried to grip something in the highly packed interior of what looked and smelled like a beautiful work of culinary art. He gripped, slipped, then managed to get a single slice of apple. Raising it slowly, painfully to his mouth, it fell off before he could put it inside. He stared at the pie, then began again. Over and over again, he tried to get a slice, then he sat back to stare at them. The chopsticks disappeared into subspace to be replaced by a very big silver spoon.
Smiling at the spoon with a dazzler, Ratchet dipped it into the pie. Pulling up a big old spoonful, he shoveled it in, then sat back with acute satisfaction to chew. He chewed with a look of bliss on his face, his optics off lined in his pleasure. Then he sat up, skewered another huge spoonful, then put it into his mouth. As he did, everyone watched with acute morbid fascination. Spoonful into the pie, spoonful into the pie hole, then a moment of supreme bliss chewing.
"Ratchet?" Prime asked as he leaned on his elbow watching with intense fascination.
Ratchet glanced at him, then smiled as he savored his pie.
"What are you doing?" Prime asked almost sweetly.
Ratchet made a show of chewing, then swallowing. "You never let me have a sprinkle donut. Everyone eats them. I love sprinkles."
"So you brought your pie?" Prime asked.
"It's a great pie. Lots of cinnamon and the apples are still crispy," Ratchet said as he sighed. Another big spoonful into the pie hole. "Don't stop the meeting on my account."
Prime stared at Ratchet with intense amusement. There were orns he wished he was himself as confident in his insanity as Ratchet. "We can wait."
Ratchet glanced at him as he went in for a new bite. "You always were a gent, Optimus."
Optimus grinned in spite of himself. "I try."
Huge laughter greeted that.
"Can I have a bite?" Alor asked with a wink.
"Sure," Ratchet said as he scooped up a large bite. He held it out, then Alor took it, sitting back to savor it.
"EW!"
Everyone glanced at Ironhide. He frowned back. "You used the same spoon."
"We did. We used to use the same spoon when you were a sparkling, I even used it on your aft now and again," Alor said as he savored the pie. "Nice pie."
"Thanks." Ratchet grinned, then ate another bite. He glanced at Prowl who was staring at him with barely concealed battle lust. "Want a bite?"
Prowl smirked in spite of himself. "Nope."
He ate the pie sharing bites with Alor, then opened his carry hold to bring out a familiar face. Sitting Orion on the table, Ratchet scooped up a bit, then held it out to the baby.
Orion who was staring around himself with the biggest smile glanced at Ratchet, saw the spoon, then nearly plotzed with delight. Opening up like a baby bird, Ratchet filled his pie hole with apples. Chewing happily, he smiled. "ADA! GOOD YOU, ME! YOU GOOD ME!"
Chuckles broke the moment as Ratchet fed him more. "Empty your hold, Ironhide."
Ironhide glanced at him with the biggest fake expression of duh he could manage. "What do you mean, Old Mech?"
"Halo. Now." Alor smirked at Ironhide, then pulled Scout out of his carry hold.
Grins met that, then Raptor pulled his cow out of his hold. Setting Pudding on the table, the little cow walked over.
Ratchet held out a spoonful drawing sharp rebukes from the squeamish everywhere until Pudding looked away. He walked over to Prowl who rubbed his soft muzzle gently. "Moo," he said with contentment.
A door was opened down table, then a familiar little mech ran for his friends. Dart made it to the pie, then bent down to look at it. Ratchet held out a bite and he took it, grinning and patting Orion and Halo as Scout opened his pie hole.
:The last time I felt this at ease at a staff meeting I was high and thought I was staring into a lava lamp," Epps said as he chuckled at the kids.
Huge laughter and internet scans were made for that bit of nostalgia.
"You really need to see Rung, Ratchet," Ultra Magnus said as he watched the pie disappear.
"I'll go if you go," Ratchet said with a giant smile. He gave the rest to the kids much to Ironhide's consternation, then subbed all of it, wiping his mug before the towel joined the empty pie plate and spoon in subspace. He grinned at the kids, then swept Orion back into his hold.
Scout, Dart and Halo had to be 'caught' as they ran screeching around the table. They were, then stowed, then everyone looked at everyone.
Ratchet grinned. "Where were we?"
HUGE laughter greeted that, then the ball began to roll once again.
A few moments later …
"And that's the latest on the city expansion, the new approved codes and the meeting of the Planning Commission in a decaorn," Elita said as she read Jetta's notes. He was nothing if not dedicated.
"That is good to know," Prime said. "Tell him we would like to have everyone including Hauser to dinner at The Residence when they feel up to it."
"I will," Elita replied. She glanced at Chromia who was sitting beside Maelstrom. "Did you have a report from Caminus?"
Chromia looked at Optimus. "They're doing well. They want to reform a dry wash that has nice sides for terraforming. Then they want to dedicate it as a park for you. There's ceremony and parties. I'll let you know. Otherwise, all is good."
"I am happy to hear that, Chromia. Please let the Mistress know that I am glad they are flourishing and if they require anything that they should contact my office," Optimus said.
"I will," Chromia replied.
Department heads of districts gave their reports, then Springer leaned forward to glance down table to Raptor. "I heard we have a cousin."
Raptor laughed. "You do. I adopted Rockwell."
HUGE slag greeted that from the punters.
"You're a glutton for punishment," Alor said.
"I was thinking that the boys might take a long overland hike through the Valles with him as a family ritual that I just made up," Raptor said. "Nothing like initiating the slagger into the family. You know … like they do in the mob. How about it, Prime? You and a few others, me and the family … might do a mech good." He grinned at Ratchet. "I can have a squad, too, slagger."
Ratchet smirked. "Don't you already?"
"No," Turbine said. "I wear the pants in the family."
A lot of slag about ball bearings, who needs pants and the like flashed through the room, then vanished.
"I thought that was our little secret?" Raptor asked.
Turbine held his finger up beside his cheek like a short someone liked to do, then said, "Sh."
"We have an agenda." -a lone voice crying out in the wilderness
Everyone stared at Prowl who steeled himself not to crawl under the table. "We do," he said holding up a data pad. No one spoke so he leaned back with a frown. "I labored over this slagger and we're going to finish it."
It was silent, then Ratchet unsubbed a giant cinnamon bun. "Here. You know you wanna."
He slid it on its plate toward Prowl.
Prowl smirked at him. "You carried a pie and a donut in subspace? Is it even edible?"
"It is," Ratchet said. "Subspace isn't located in your arm pit, slagger."
"It is for me," Raptor said with a giant smile of his own.
"I can attest to that," Sun said as Jack guffawed.
Steiner leaned forward. "I'm sort of piqued. What else do you have in there?"
Ratchet beamed back at him. "Well, since you asked ..." With that, he began to pull things up.
1. A manual for putting together a Lego toy.
2. Some kind of weird medical thing that looked like it pulled things out of tight spaces. Cue willies.
3. A box of assorted booze-filled chocolates that were shaped and wrapped like the real bottles.
4. A huge slice of Celebration cake with 'Ironhide is a doofus' written on it. It was also covered in sprinkles.
5. Huge frosted cookies of everyone in the room with their faces, paint schemes and other tokens of recognition painted on in icing. He put them in the middle of the table. "Don't ever say I didn't do anything for you, slaggers."
Raptor picked up his, a squatty version of himself, then guffawed. He passed the rest out and they took a cookie break.
Ratchet glanced at Ironhide who was looking at his cookie version of himself even as he claimed the Celebration cake. "One or the other. It'll ruin your appetite."
"I AM IRONHIDE! I HAVE ROOM!" he said as he bit the head off his cookie. "This is good."
"I thought so." He glanced at Turbine. "How did he do on the test?"
Ironhide glanced at Ratchet, then Turbine. He frowned deeply. He was hoping his amma had forgotten about it.
"We're going to have that discussion when we get to Cybertron. Little mech better have studied the chapters," Turbine said as he looked at Ironhide with an appraising stare.
"Does Cliff Notes count?" Ratchet asked with a dazzling smile.
Ironhide jerked in surprise, then turned a frown toward Ratchet. "You're certifiable, traitor."
"That's what you get when you're down to one sprinkles donut and you won't let me have it. Either of you," he said as he glanced from Ironhide to Prime.
They stared back.
Prowl watched as he devoured his cinnamon bun. He LOVED cinnamon buns. Especially with the frosting. He looked almost sweaty browed as he ate it, his gaze moving back and forth between Ratchet, Ironhide and Optimus. "I would demand that we get back to the meeting but this cinnamon bun ..." he said as he petered out in satisfaction.
Snickers rounded the room.
"Where were we?" Ratchet asked as he looked down the list. "Ah. School report."
Herling who was working on the cookie of himself picked up his data pad, looked at it, then put it back down. "We're good."
HUGE laughter greeted that, including Prowl.
"Nice one, Herling," Ratchet said with a chuckle.
He grinned, then gave the report. There were a lot of kids, three more schools were being prepared for small children, special needs as well as accelerated youngling and intermediate kids. They were hoping that Sun Base and Homeland would be available for their 'ag kids'.
"Ag kids?" Prime asked as he bit an arm off of the cookie of himself.
"Agriculture. We have a group of kids who were researching human children's pastimes when they came across something called 4-H. It teaches farming and other self sufficient type skills to children. The kids have been involved in Hu-An agricultural education and projects for years and they like it, so they want to learn more. They have a club that mirrors the one on Earth and they want to help the Hu-An through the new expansion to plant things and learn how they grow." Herling grinned. "Its a student initiative project. I'm very proud of them for doing this."
Everyone agreed that this was great.
"We're also adding home economics to our sub adult intermediate Levels II and III programs to help kids do things that they might need to know about cooking and fixing things around a house. We want them to be well rounded when they graduate because some go out on their own then," Nova said.
Herling nodded.
Raptor grinned. "Little mech is a good cook."
Everyone looked at Ironhide as he finished off his cookie.
He stared back. "I hate cooking. I LOVE EATING! I, IRONHIDE CAN EAT REAL GOOD!"
Huge laughter greeted that.
"Praxians. They learned to cook and sort expensive hootch for parties in school," Steiner said with a smirk as he sat back in his chair muy contento.
It was silent a moment, then Ratchet and Prime grinned. "I never got to go to school," Ratchet said.
"Neither did I," Optimus added.
"Oh frag," Ironhide muttered.
=0=TBC 3-31-2020 4-20-2020
Saw a good video of a hospital doctor in New York City. He said don't ever touch your face. A virus only needs a medium and an opportunity. Moisture is not your friend. No eyes, mouth or nose. Take care out there and know you are loved. -Me