Disclaimer: This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

What Happened Previously: Harry gets his picture taken with Gilderoy Lockhart much to his dismay, the group runs into Draco and Lucius Malfoy, Hermione bitch slaps Ron, and Dumbledore cooks up a crazy half baked scheme for Harry's second year.

A/N: Well I'm back from a brief hiatus. I've gotten quite lazy during the pandemic, so please excuse the late posting for this story. I want to try and finish some of my other stories if possible, but I don't know when exactly that will happen. For now, I will post on this story more often since it's the easiest and funniest one for me to work on.

Chapter 4: Grand Theft Ron

"Welcome welcome to another year at Hogwarts!" Albus Dumbledore announced loudly for the entire populous inside of the Great Hall to hear. Everyone had ceased their chatter immediately and looked towards the old fool.

"For those of you who are not aware, Professor Quirrell had an unfortunate accident last year which resulted in his death, so he will not be teaching. Instead, we have a new addition to our staff that will take up the position as Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts: Gilderoy Lockhart."

When his name was announced, Lockhart rose from his seat and took an exaggerated bow while the morons in the Great Hall were eating it all up. Today Lockhart was wearing a golden suit and auburn brown cape that seemed to swish with sparkles everywhere he went. Like Harry had said before, the man was a snazzy dresser. Even though the staff were sick of his pompous bullshit, they couldn't find any apparent flaws with Lockhart's fashion sense.

Even Snape was jealous of Lockhart's outfits, but he would never tell a soul.

"Thank you, Headmaster." Lockhart stated. "I want to assure you all that your knowledge of Defense Against the Dark Arts will not be hindered thanks to the mediocre efforts from your previous professors. With my knowledge and expertise of spell mastery, I promise to train you all to become fine pupils."

Around 90% of the students clapped loudly at this news, along with a few members of the staff, including Snape, but he decided to clap slowly underneath the table. He had to keep up with appearances and all.

"Also, I wish to announce that .."

Before Gilderoy could finish his sentence, a moderately sized flying car crashed through one of the massively tall stain glass windows and made a direct impact towards the tables where the students were seated. Before the car made its way to the ground, which seemed to be heading straight for the Slytherin table for some reason, most of the students made a run for it while screaming their heads off. Draco Malfoy belonged to that group, but he would never admit it if anyone asked.

As this was going on, Professor Lockhart decided to run into the back room behind the Great Hall in order to protect himself and his luscious locks. The remainder of the staff however were busy trying to stop the car from causing a grand impact on the floor and possibly killing some of the children.

The car impacted the ground with a massive amount of force that caused several thousand cracks into the floor, along with destroying a massive amount of the Hufflepuff and Slytherin tables.

"SILENCE!" Headmaster Dumbledore shouted towards the screaming group of students. The shrieks stopped almost immediately and all eyes looked towards the old man.

"If everyone will please not panic, we will take care of this matter while the rest of you head up to your dorms to get some much-needed sleep."

"But we haven't even been sorted, sir!" one of the kids exclaimed.

"And I'm hungry!" a whiney child said. Dumbledore sighed in frustration.

"Fine! All of the first years come to the front in a single file line and we will do a rapid-fire sorting. Quickly now! Please come to the front, first years!"

The first years nearly sprinted to the front of the Great Hall and the sorting hat was placed on their heads in a record amount of time.

"HUFFLEPUFF! GRYFFINDOR! HUFFLEPUFF! SLYTHERIN! SLYTHERIN! RAVENCLAW! .." The hat shouted as fast as it could. The poor thing was being forced to sort the kids at a record pace and that was making him tired beyond belief. Normally the sorting process took some time for the hat to read the child's mind, but since it was doing it quickly, the hat had to use a massive amount of magic to keep up with Dumbledore's insane request to get the kids sorted. After the last first year was sorted, the hat deflated and fell off the stool in complete exhaustion.

"Excellent! Now that we are sorted, let's head to bed!"

"But sir! What about .."

"GET TO YOUR DORMS! THERE WILL BE NO FOOD!" Dumbledore shouted in anger.

The kids whined, but they all obeyed the headmaster's orders and retreated to their dorm rooms. When the last child had left the Great Hall, the staff used their magic to lift the car to the front, and then repair the damaged Slytherin and Hufflepuff tables, broken ground, and the broken window.

"What do you think happened, Albus?"

"I do not know, Minerva. It could be that the Whomping Willow had tossed the car through the window."

"Shouldn't we have fed the students before we sent them to their dorms, Headmaster?"

"My word is law, Professor Sprout! If you want the children fed, then send the elves!"

Professor Sprout huffed in irritation but decided to take Dumbledore's idea and head towards the kitchens. Thankfully elves are extremely hard workers and would be able to get the food to the students in no time.

"Why would a car be on the grounds in the first place?"

"I bet this was Potter's doing!" Snape exclaimed. The staff groaned. This even included Professor Lockhart who had finally come out from the back room while the children were leaving.

"We cannot say for sure yet as to who is responsible, Severus, but I'm quite sure that it was not Mr. Potter." Snape sneered at the headmaster's response.

"I completely agree!" Lockhart almost shouted. "Young Harry may be the boy-who-lived, but I highly doubt that his level of magical abilities could bring a car to the school, yet alone crash it through a window."

"Hmmmph. You're all completely biased towards Potter and his seemingly inability to do any wrongdoings. Mark my words, the boy is behind this! I'm sure there's some evidence in this car somewhere."

The staff cautiously approached the car, with the exception of Snape, who hurried towards it with malicious intent. The potions master began peering through the doors to try and find some damning evidence against the Potter boy when suddenly all of the doors to the car opened. Snape was knocked backward from the impact and flew about 10 feet away.

"Ah classic mistake, Severus. One must always be cautious when dealing with magical objects! You'll never know what sort of curses and traps are abound." Lockhart boasted. Although the staff was annoyed with Lockhart, they couldn't disagree.

"Perhaps you should inspect the car, Gilderoy?" Professor McGonagall asked. "Your skills, after all, are legendary."

"Right! I can do that." Lockhart said as he started to get a little worried.

Lockhart pulled out his wand and began to perform a series of spells on the vehicle, all of which were useless, but he tried his best to look as if he knew what he was doing. When he was done, he looked inside the front and back seats to see if there was anything inside. There wasn't, and the fashionable man had a pretty good idea that there wasn't anything, but he was trying to stall.

"Ah. Yes. Well. I can see no faults with the car. It seems that we had worried for nothing!"

"If you say so, Gilderoy." Professor McGonagall muttered. "Perhaps we should look in the trunk?"

Lockhart moved to the back of the car and attempted to open the trunk, but was having no success. After trying as many unlocking spells as he could, which was very little mind you, the snazzy dresser gave up.

"Oh, dear. Alas .. I cannot get in. It seems we will never know what is inside." he sighed while highly exaggerating.

"Oh for Godric's sake, Gilderoy. Alohamora Maxima!"

At McGonagall's words, the trunk snapped open. To the shock of the staff, inside of the trunk was a small redheaded boy covered in soot and he appeared to be somewhat injured.

"MISTER WEASLEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS CAR?!" McGonagall shrieked.

"Oh .. Uh .. um .. hello .. everyone." Ron Weasley stuttered.

"Please answer the question, Mr. Weasley!" Flitwick squeaked.

"I was trying to make it to school, Professor! Harry and I missed the train so .."

"AHA! I KNEW POTTER WAS BEHIND THIS!"

"SEVERUS! Be quiet or I will hex you out through the gates!" McGonagall shouted. "Mr. Weasley please explain why you were in the back of this car."

"And why you crashed it through the castle windows!" Professor Flitwick mentioned.

"And why you were even driving in the first place!" Professor Sinestra added.

"And where in the name of Slytherin is Potter! I'll expel him if it's the last thing I do!" Professor Snape demanded.

The entire staff had suffered enough of Severus' prejudices against the Potter boy, and as promised, Minerva summoned her most powerful stupefy spell and blasted the Potions Master through the gates of the castle.

"Was that really necessary, Minerva?" Dumbledore asked while looking a little worried about Snape's health.

"I warned him, Dumbledore. I will not hear any more out of you on this matter!"

"Oh alright." Dumbledore grumbled. "Mr. Weasley would you please answer our questions?"

"Okay, Professor. Harry and I were blocked off from Platform 9 and 3/4 and we missed the train. So I came up with the idea of taking the car and driving here!"

"How were you blocked from the platform, Mr. Weasley?" Minerva asked. "The barrier doesn't seal until every single Hogwarts student has gone through." Ron yawned in response.

"Could you please pay attention, Mr. Weasley?"

"I'm hungry, Professor. Where's the food?"

"We canceled the feast. Since you crashed into the tables, we had to send everyone to their dorms."

"BUT I WANT FOOD!" The next moment Ron was hexed by the Headmaster in order to shut him up.

"ALBUS! We do not hex the students for any reason!"

"Oh don't be such a garden gnome, Minerva. The boy clearly didn't know anything about the barrier, and he was getting on my nerves anyway." The professors didn't exactly agree with what Dumbledore had done, but since the redhead was knocked out, they didn't have any say in the matter.

"Let's get the boy into Gryffindor Tower for some rest. Could you take Mr. Weasley, Minerva?"

Professor McGonagall grunted in response but levitated Ron and began walking towards the Gryffindor Common Room. When the pair finally arrived at the top of the tower, Professor McGonagall stepped through the door, with all of the students waiting inside, and dumped the fat gingered lump on the nearby chair. The nearby students started murmuring amongst themselves when Ron was dropped.

"Can I have your attention, please? I have a few announcements to make." the older woman asked. "Firstly the feast will be brought up by the elves soon, so I want you to eat your fill and then head to bed. I want to assure you all that classes will begin tomorrow despite all that has happened, so make sure you are well-rested. Finally, I need to know where Mr. Potter is. Has anyone seen him?"

"I'm here, Professor." Harry announced as he moved through the small crowd. The rest of the Gryffindors could tell that he was a little annoyed so they tried to not get in his way.

"Please come with me, Mr. Potter. The rest of you remain here."

The two walked out of the common room and headed over to one of the nearby unused classrooms. After heading inside and closing the door, Harry sat in the nearby chair while McGonagall remained standing.

"Mr. Potter, I need to know a few things, and I would prefer if I didn't have to get the Headmaster involved. Did you take the train to Hogwarts?"

"No."

"Did you ride in the car with Mr. Weasley?" Harry eyed the professor oddly.

"So Ron did steal the car after all? I figured he just ran off and started sucking his thumb when he couldn't find it!"

"Weren't the two of you together at the train station?" the professor asked while ignoring Harry's comment.

"We were, but then Ron ran off."

"Why didn't the two of you go through the barrier?"

"We tried but the barrier sealed itself before we could enter."

"Could you please explain?" the boy sighed.

"Fine. As long as this gets wrapped up quickly. Here's what happened."

Hours Earlier

The entire Weasley household, plus Harry and Hermione for some reason, were rushing towards to Platform 9 and 3/4 on the morning of September 1st. Why? The family was notoriously famous for being late for anything and everything, so it was of no surprise that Ronald Weasley decided to pack his suitcase at the last possible minute, which stalled the group's arrival at the train station.

When everything was finally packed away, the group started to head towards the small flying car. If Harry hadn't been inside of it before, he would have thought that it was pretty cool. The last experience however was not a pleasant one thanks to the almost nose dive that occurred.

"Are we really going to ride in that thing? I still have nightmares from the last time I was in it!"

"Oh come now, Harry. There's nothing to be worried about. The car is perfectly safe!"

"Fuck no it isn't! You have no idea how rocky the flight was to your house, Mr. Weasley. So don't sit there and say this hunk of bullshit will get me to the station without any issues."

Ginny tried her best to keep herself contained, but she was barely able to keep her laughter hidden. Harry was able to see the little girl in the back of the group, and since he was absolutely sure that she could hear him, the boy was going to do his absolute best to find out what was happening between the two of them.

"Let's go, everyone! We all need to get to the station!" Mrs. Weasley shouted. As everyone began to pile in, Harry was starting to wonder if it was even possible for the entire family to get inside.

"There's no way we can all get in there."

"Sure there is, Harry. Just step inside and you'll see!" Mrs. Weasley said.

Harry did what he was told and stepped inside. While the car may have looked small on the outside, the car seemed to be a lot bigger on the inside. The seats seemed to stretch far out so that everyone had room. The concept of magic was sometimes lost on Harry which hindered his ability to realize that most things are possible because of it.

"I wonder if this is how all those clowns fit into the cars at the circus?" Harry muttered.

"What are clowns, Harry?" Fred asked.

"Are they some kind of pet that the muggles keep?" George asked in quick succession.

Harry was about to say something that would have completely fooled the twins into thinking it was something stupid, but his annoying bookworm friend beat him to the punch.

"I can answer that! Clowns are …" Hermione began to explain. Harry quickly tuned her out and began staring out the window as the car took off.

"Man she really gets on my nerves." Harry muttered as quietly as he could.

"I agree." Ginny whispered. "Is she always this much of a know it all?" Harry chuckled.

"You have no idea. You'll see just how much when we get to school. She'll find something and then proceed to tell everyone in order to show off her intelligence." Ginny nodded.

" … and that's why Harry was talking about the clown cars." Hermione said as she finished her explanation.

"Wicked." the twins spoke at the same time.

"They sound scary! I don't want to run into one of those clowns!"

"Oh lighten up Ronnie boy."

"You can take one."

"Really?" Ron asked hopefully.

"Sure! I mean if you can take on Draco Malfoy like you said you can, then a clown should be no problem!" Ron suddenly grew pale at the realization of what he said days before.

"You're still going to fight Draco right Ron?" Ginny asked.

"Uh .. I uh .. Uh .."

"How eloquently put, Ron. Maybe you can stutter Draco to death instead of fighting him." Harry shot at him. "Just don't forget to piss your pants while you're at it."

Fred, George, Ginny, Hermione, and even Percy all laughed at Harry's comment. Mr. Weasley was trying to look mad about it but was doing a bad job of holding in his laughter, while Mrs. Weasley was scolding Harry for making fun of her poor "Ronniekins".

"Okay, I'm sorry, Mrs. Weasley. I won't make fun of your supremely idiotic and fucking brainless child anymore."

"See that you don't, Harry."

The rest of the flight to the train station was not as eventful as the beginning. It took about an hour for the car to reach its final destination and Harry was incredibly grateful. Getting out of the car was his top priority, and he didn't care if he had to trample Ron or Percy in order to get out.

"It's 10:58! Come on come on let's move!" Mr. Weasley said as he parked the car in an open spot near the station. The group rushed out and began hightailing it over to the platform.

"The train will leave at any moment!" Mrs. Weasley added.

"Fred, George, Percy, you first!" The three older Weasley boys obeyed and almost ran into each other through the wall.

"Hermione, you next!" The bush haired girl nodded and ran in.

"Come with us, Ginny!" Mrs. Weasley exclaimed as she, Mr. Weasley, and Ginny, of course, sprinted through the barrier of 9 and 3/4.

"Better let me go first, Ron. I wouldn't want you to accidentally trip and slam your brain into the wall." Harry chuckled as he was seriously contemplating doing the latter.

Before Ron could even come up with a response to Harry's statement, the raven-haired boy shoved his cart towards the wall but was unfortunately slammed into the bricked gateway that had sealed itself shut. Unfortunately for Harry, Ron didn't think it was smart to stop his charge and he too slammed himself into the wall, and consequently Harry as well.

"What the fuck, Ron! You could have killed me!" Harry shouted as he gathered himself together. Ron was a little dazed so he remained on the floor next to the two carts.

"OI! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" A voice bellowed near the boys.

Harry turned his attention to the man that was shouting. The boy couldn't believe his luck. It turns out that this was the same train guard that had tried to make a fool out of him last year. Harry had a bone to pick with this man, so he took the opportunity to get back at him in full force.

"It's you! You're the prick who gave me shit last year!" Harry shouted. "Remember me, Fatso?"

"You're that cheeky little brat, aren't you? I should put you into custody for talking back to me!"

"You want to arrest me, fucker? Go ahead and try!"

"I don't have to take this from a toddler! Come with me, boy. I'm taking you to the police."

As the man made his way towards Harry, the boy ran up close and prodded his wand into the chest of the guard. Before the man could register what was happening, Harry blasted the guard clear across the train station. The guard's body slammed right into the ceiling and it went straight through the glass which was sure to cause some injuries that wouldn't heal quickly. As the man flew further and further out of sight, Harry put his wand back into his sleeves and made his way back to Ron. Thankfully the muggles hadn't noticed anything.

"Get up, Ron." The redhead boy was still on the ground next to the carts, so he didn't have a clue as to what had occurred moments ago.

"Urrmmummmmum" He grunted.

"You have got to be kidding me. Get your fat arse up!"

"Fsshishhumm"

Harry wasn't going to take any more of this. He grabbed the dizzy Weasley off the ground, and bitch slapped him in the hopes of getting him out of this dizziness he was in.

"Wha' happen, 'Arry?" Ron slurred.

"Eh. Good enough. Get yourself together, Ron. We need to find a way through the barrier!"

"We missed the train?! How am I supposed to get some chocolate frogs now?"

"Don't you already have some in your trunk?"

"That's only my midday snack! I need more for my after supper snack!" Harry groaned. The stupidity of this boy knew no bounds, but Harry was about to get some more stupidity sooner rather than later.

"Harry I just thought of something!"

"That's a dangerous thing to do, Ron. We all know that your thoughts are dumber than mud."

"If we can't get through, then maybe mum and dad can't get back!" The boy said as he was not able to hear the insulting comment that Harry spewed.

"Huh. That does make some sense. I wonder why we couldn't get through." The redhead then turned himself towards the nearby clock and was shocked at the time.

"Oh no! It's 11:06! We missed the train, Harry!" Ron screamed.

"Yes. I said that a moment ago! How in the hell did you miss that completely? Where the hell were you the last ten minutes?"

Ron didn't respond. Well, he didn't respond with words anyway. The Weasley boy started to sit on the ground and cry while in fetal position. Harry couldn't have seen a more pathetic spectacle if he had tried.

"I want my mum! I want my mum!"

"Oh for Godric's sake." Harry shook his head in disgust of his vocabulary. "No! For god's sake! For god's sake, Ron pull yourself together!"

"Mummy! Mummy!" Ron continued to wail.

Once again, Harry was grateful that he and Ron weren't noticed by anyone else, even though it was a little weird that the train conductor had seen him. The black-haired boy took in his surroundings and started to come up with a plan on how to get to Hogwarts.

"Ron, get up!" Harry said as he pulled the oaf off the ground.

"There has to be another way for us to get to Hogwarts. You've been in the magical world your entire life. Is there anything we can use?"

"We could take the car! Come on, Harry! I can drive that thing no problem!" Harry looked at Ron as if he was sprouting another head.

"Ron, I want you to listen to me very carefully." Harry began. "I will absofuckinglutely not be getting into the car with …"

"Come on, Harry! The car is this way!" Ron squealed as he ran away from Harry as fast as his little stubby legs could carry him.

Harry was amazed at Ron's bumbling idiocy. The boy was going to drive a flying car, with plenty of muggles around mind you, in broad daylight. Was the little fuckwad completely mental? Harry was pretty sure that doing that kind of thing around the nonmagical folk should be grounds for breaking the law, but then again he wasn't the kind to pick up a book and read either.

"HARRY!" Mrs. Weasley screeched as she and Mr. Weasley ran out from the other side of the wall to Platform 9 and 3/4. "Why are you not on the train?!"

"I tried to get in , but the barrier sealed itself before Ron and I could get through!"

"Ron didn't make it on the train either?" Mr. Weasley asked.

"Obviously. I just fucking said that."

"WHERE IS MY RONNIE?!" the fat womanly tomato yelled. "HAS ANYONE SEEN MY RONNIEKINS?!"

All of the nearby people in the station stopped what they were doing and turned to look at the lumpy tomato, Mr. Weasley, and Harry. Harry was feeling a little embarrassed to be seen with these people, while Mr. Weasley was looking a little worried because his son was missing. When the people around the group started to go back to normal, Harry spoke up.

"Oh, he went that way, Mrs. Weasley!" Harry pointed over his shoulder. "He said something about taking the car to Hogwarts. I tried to stop him but he ran off!"

"OH GOOD HEAVENS! I'LL STOP HIM BEFORE HE HURTS HIMSELF! COME BACK RONNIE POO!"

Mrs. Weasley charged off into the direction that Harry pointed and watched as she almost rolled away at blinding speed.

"Harry, I need to go find Ronald. Do you know how to floo to Hogwarts?"

"Mr. Weasley, we flooed the other day to Diagon Alley remember?"

"Oh yes! Great! Then take some of the floo powder I have here and throw it into the nearest fireplace. I must leave now! Good luck in school this year!" Mr. Weasley said as he handed over the floo powder and then ran off.

"I swear I will never understand these Weasley people." Harry thought. "Thank god for Ginny."

Now that he was alone, Harry took off to the nearest hotel near the station that happened to have a working fireplace inside. The people who worked at the front desk were surprised to see a 12-year-old boy run inside, throw some sand into the main lobby's fireplace, and then disappear into a blaze of fire. One of them fell over in a faint, while the other simply chalked it up to drinking too much.

Back at the Present

"And then what happened, Mr. Potter?" Professor McGonagall asked.

"I just told you, Professor! I flooed to Hogwarts!"

"Yes, but where did the floo send you?"

"Oh, I ended up inside of Hagrid's hut. The giant lump was shocked to see me appear right out of his fireplace while he was giving himself a bath. It was quite disgusting." Harry shuddered after mentioning this.

"I would imagine so. Poor Hagrid does get quite dirty and I hear he only takes baths once a month." Harry almost gagged.

"What happened after you appeared in Hagrid's hut?"

"I stayed there until the feast was about to start. I was coming back from the grounds when I heard Ron crash through the window. I decided it was best to get out of there and run back to the Gryffindor Common Room."

"How did you know the password?"

"I didn't. The damn door didn't even bother asking and just swung itself open without care." McGonagall grunted in annoyance.

"Very well, Mr. Potter. You may return to Gryffindor tower."

Harry made his way over to the Gryffindor Common Room to find that it was completely sparse of people inside. The boy didn't mind since it would mean that he would be able to get some alone time, but that did also mean that the feast had come and gone. That had made the boy mad, and he was going to get some food one way or another.

Harry had noticed that Ron was no longer sprawled out on one of the crimson chairs near the fire, so the only logical conclusion was that he had made his way up to bed. Without any food in sight, Harry went up to the second year boys' dorm and went over to Ron's trunk. Seamus, Dean, and Neville were thankfully asleep, so breaking into Ron's trunk was going to be a breeze. Why? Because Ronald Weasley is so idiotic that he always forgets to lock up his trunk.

Harry would definitely have to steal some of Ron's books and hide them throughout the castle later.

Harry carefully opened Ron's trunk and began to search inside for some goodies. It didn't take long to find a few chocolate frogs and some of the liquor cauldrons. Smiling at this good turn of fortune, Harry grabbed the candies and flung himself into bed. After eating the treats, and heading off to sleep, Harry began to wonder how his second year of school was going to turn out.