Disclaimer: This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.
What Happened Previously: Ron and Harry cannot get through the barrier to Platform 9 and 3/4, but do not know why. In order to get to Hogwarts, Ron steals the family car and crashes it into the Great Hall, while Harry uses other methods.
A/N: Here we go again. The first Potter vs The Professors was always something fun to write the first time around, and I'm glad I get to do it again. Please review if you want, and thanks for reading!
Chapter 5: Potter vs The Professors 2
"Let me introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher." Lockhart bellowed from up high near his office. "It's me! Gilderoy Lockhart."
"Dear God it hasn't even been 24 hours since I've been back at Hogwarts, and I already want to gouge my eyes out. After I choke this joke of a human being first, of course." Harry thought while he was tuning the new "professor" out.
" .. order of Merlin, third class, honorary member of the dark force defense league, and 5 times winner of Witch Weekly's most charming smile award." the professor continued.
"Why, in the name of all that is magical, did Dumbledore hire this guy?"
" .. but I don't talk about that too much. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at him." Lockhart said as he chuckled at his own joke.
There were a lot of male students in the class that turned to one another and gave each other looks that seemed to say "is this guy for real?", while a lot of the female students couldn't help but fantasize about some raunchy situations they would like to seem themselves in with Professor Lockhart. Ron Weasley however seemed to belong in his own group and imagined himself getting his chest signed again by the professor, and the two of them sharing a broom to play quidditch with.
"Now pay attention class! I have a pop quiz I would like all of you to take so I can determine how much you have read from my required novels. Don't worry if you happen to get a few questions wrong, I won't hold it against you." the man said while flashing another one of his dashing smiles.
As the quiz was being passed out, Harry could tell that this was going to be quite the experience. All of the questions on the quiz were about Gilderoy Lockhart, and Harry couldn't have been happier. Now was the time to write what he really felt about the fraud.
Question 1: What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite colour?
Answer: Who in the hell gives a flying fuck about what colour you like? But for the sake of it, let's give you the most boring colour ever: beige.
Question 2: What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?
Answer: To have a three-way with Himself, Professor Snape, and Dumbledore. Or, if he's lucky, be able to fornicate with a Hippogriff.
Question 3: What is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?
Answer: Casting one spell. It's the only amount of magic you can do.
Question 4: What day is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?
Answer: Your birthday is irrelevant because your fame is insignificant compared to mine. Your ideal gift is being ignored because it is exactly what you deserve while you spend the remainder of your life being forgotten by everyone.
Question 5: How many times has Gilderoy Lockhart won Witch Weekly's charming smile award?
Answer: Holy Huffing Hogwarts I really don't give a fuck. But it's 5 since you mentioned it just moments ago!
Question 6: In his book "Break with a Banshee", how did Gilderoy Lockhart bravely banish the Bandon Banshee?
Answer: He dreamt of sleeping with Ron Weasley and the intense sexual desire caused him to cream all over the banshee, erupting it in flames.
Question 7: Which is Gilderoy Lockhart's best side for photographs?
Answer: Whichever side is ugliest.
The quiz seemed to go on forever with question after question about what else but the illustrious Gilderoy Lockhart. When all of the quizzes were handed in, the boisterous man was finally able to take a look and see what his students knew of him. The answers were vast, and clearly, there weren't enough who had read the required reading.
"Tut tut." Gilderoy puffed. "Almost none of you wrote that my favorite colour was lilac. It was clearly expressed in my latest novel Year with a Yeti. However, Miss Granger was able to correctly answer that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples. Although a nice bottle of fire whisky is also appreciated." some of the kids laughed at that statement.
"Too bad Mr. Fraud cannot read my answers because it would have been quite the spectacle for him to see what I had written." Harry thought. He knew that his efforts to expose the man were going to be in vain, but he had jotted down his answers so he could compare to Ginny's later.
"What did you write for the question about his favorite colour, Harry?" Ron asked.
"Beige. What did you write, Ron?"
"Oh, I couldn't decide which one, so I put a rainbow!"
"Of course you would pick that answer you gangly fuck." the boy muttered under his breath.
"What did I wha .. ?" the redhead started to ask but he was interrupted by the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor.
"NOW .. " Lockhart shouted. "It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind."
The man took his wand and summoned a cage with a cover over it out of thin air. Harry was mildly impressed, but he still believed that Lockhart couldn't cast enough spells to get out of a paper bag.
" .. you may find yourselves facing your fears right now in this very room. I want to assure you all that no harm will befall you while you are here, but I must ask you to please not scream. The shouting might provoke them!"
Lockhart removed the cover from the cage and inside was a small collection of blue looking imps that could fly.
"Cornish pixies? You want us to fight cornish pixies?" A small Irish boy chuckled in the back of the class.
"Laugh if you will, Mr. Finnegan, but beware of these mischievous creatures. Cornish pixies can be devilishly dangerous little blighters!" Lockhart exclaimed as he unlatched the lock from the cage. "Let's see what you make of them!"
The pixies instantly broke free from the iron prison and flew into a frenzy around the entire classroom. The scenario that followed was nothing sort of insanity and chaos. The pixies trashed everything they could see insight. A few of them grabbed parchment and feathers and ripped them in half. A bigger group decided to head right over to the magical artifacts and throw them into any direction they wanted. Finally, some of them began stealing wands from the students in the room and casting spells to create damage.
"Come on now! Round them up children, they're only pixies!"
Harry couldn't help but look at Lockhart as if he was completely off his rocker. That or the man was incredibly high from the fumes coming from his own hubris.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were currently hiding underneath their desks to try and get away from the destruction that was going around the room. Harry couldn't help but notice that Neville Longbottom, who wasn't dead for some reason, was being lifted from the ground by his ears and then finally left hanging via the antler chandelier. Harry would have to ask Neville later on how in the hell he was still alive.
"Do you know a spell to kill these things, Hermione?"
"I don't know, Harry! I might have something that can help."
"HELP US, HERMIONE! I'M SCARED!" Ron squealed. Harry smacked the redhead on the back of his head and the result caused Ron to dive right into the floor in a heavy slump.
"Oh no! I must retreat! Children, please clean up this mess while I hide in my office!" Lockhart shouted as he ran up the stairs to his room and slammed the door. Harry had taken quite enough of this guy up until now, but the fact that he had run away at all proved that he was full of shit.
Hermione gathered her wand and hurried over to a safe space that was away from Harry and the unconscious lump that was Ron. When she was sure that the coast was mildly cleared up, the girl stood up and shouted a spell.
"IMMOBULUS!" the result caused all of the pixies in the room to be trapped in a frozen state in the air that rendered them immobile.
"Thanks, Hermione. You really are quite clever sometimes."
"Why thank you, Harry." she said while blushing a little.
"Why is it always me?" Neville glumly announced from the ceiling towards the small group. Harry looked up in complete surprise to see that it was someone he was not expecting.
"How are you still alive, Neville?! The last anyone heard you were eaten by Fluffy last year!"
"Well .. uh .."
"CHILDREN GET AWAY!" Professor Flitwick shouted as he burst through the door to the class. "Take your things and head out to the hallway. Professor Lockhart and I will clean up this mess!"
"Uh .. Professor .. you do know that the pixies are under control right?" Harry indicated. The boy was mildly surprised that Flitwick had arrived so quickly, but he chalked it up to being a speedy midget and being at the right place at the right time.
"Move out, children!" Flitwick repeated as he moved past Harry and Hermione. The two students then decided to head out the door and moved to the hallway where the other students from the class were waiting.
"Harry, we forgot Ron!"
"No, we didn't, Hermione. I left him in the class. I'm sure he's fine. Although, I don't know what his version of fine is."
"We have to go back for him! He might be hurt!"
"Hermione, I am not .."
"MOVE ASIDE PLEASE!" Flitwick said as he came out with an almost lifeless Ron Weasley under his spell to transfer him to the Hospital Wing.
"Don't worry, children! Your classmate will be fine. We just need to get him to the hospital wing." Flitwick mentioned as he waddled off towards the medical ward while the rest of the children remained in place.
"Did you see that Weasel-bean?" Draco Malfoy chuckled once Flitwick was out of hearing distance. "He obviously fainted after seeing those pathetic pixies."
"I doubt you could have done a better job, Malfoy. Maybe you should have stayed inside and taken care of those little creatures yourself!" Hermione shot at him.
"How dare you talk to me like that you filthy little mud blood!" Draco sneered. Most of the students around him gasped. "You are insignificant compared to me. I am Draco .."
Draco Malfoy didn't get a chance to finish his sentence because Hermione once again stopped him from speaking. Just like last year, Hermione stepped up to the smug little brat and bitch smacked him using her backhand. Draco stumbled backward from the impact on his face and fell down the stairs where the sounds of his bones crunching could be heard. Most of the students backed away from Hermione, but Harry stayed as close as possible.
"That was fantastic, Hermione." Harry whispered in her ear. The brown-haired girl blushed and smiled. "Don't let that little ponce get on your case."
"I won't, Harry. Thanks."
"Okay, I'm not waiting around here while Ron is taken to the Hospital Wing. I'll just go play outside." Harry announced to everyone. The remainder of the students seemed to agree and began to leave.
"Wait! You can't leave, Harry! What if Professor Flitwick comes back?"
"He never said to remain here, Hermione. So I'm taking that lack of direction as an opportunity to get away."
The group of students seemed to be in the same mindset as Mr. Potter and started to disperse in all directions away from the classroom. Before he took off, Harry asked Hermione wanted to come outside, but she politely refused and headed off towards the library. The boy could only shake his head and think that her actions were completely typical. Maybe she would show her wild side one day, but it would take some major adjustments from him.
The remainder of the day seemed to pass very slowly for Harry, but Ron and Hermione weren't having any problems. Well .. Hermione wasn't having problems. Ron was being his typical oafish self, and therefore was causing mayhem left and right. After the excitement of this morning's class in Defense Against the Dark Arts, the rest of the trio's lessons were verging on being boring.
The next class was Charms. After Professor Flitwick had taken Ron to the Hospital Wing, the small man returned to his towering pile of books inside of his classroom and instructed his pupils to take out their wands. At first, Harry was excited at the possibility of learning a new spell that could cause some massive mayhem inside the castle, but he was extremely disappointed as all they did was review Wingardium Leviosa. The boy thought it was a bunch of bullshit, and he even said it aloud, but no one heard him. Big surprise.
When that lesson had finally ended, the kids were sent to the Great Hall for some much-needed food. Ron of course leaped down the halls like a gazelle in the wild, while everyone else took a more subtle pace. Harry couldn't help but laugh at Ron's antics whenever food was mentioned. The boy hoped Ron would always remain this clueless, but since Harry was a major contributor to the status of the Weasley boy's mental capacity, Harry had nothing to worry about.
Herbology, however, was dreadful. The children were tasked with removing all of the dead snapping sunflowers around the castle grounds and then planting new ones in their stead. Since the Gryffindors were sharing the class with the second year Hufflepuffs, the house of badgers didn't have any issues, but the lions were having a tough time. Most of the kids were bitten and scratched, while a few others were almost maimed thanks to the fangs from the flowers. Even Neville was scared to plant the flowers because one of them tried to bite off his face!
The last class of the day was the biggest hurdle that the group had to get past, however, and it was something that all three were not looking forward to. That class unfortunately was Potions, and it was run by the most gangly man alive known only as ..
"Professor Snape always scares me guys. I don't know if I can go in there." The Longbottom boy said right outside of the dungeons classroom.
"Come on, Neville! Grow up and be a Gryffindor. You somehow came back from the dead, but you're not willing to spend an hour and a half with someone who has a long pointy nose and can't seem to take a shower on a yearly basis?" Harry once again berated himself for giving a damn about school spirit.
"What the hell is wrong with me?" Harry thought.
Neville laughed a little at that comment while Harry shivered after mentioning his Gryffindor spirit. It was getting a little worrisome for the raven haired boy, and he would have to do his best not to go all idiotic on these stooges in this castle.
"Yeah, you can do it, Neville! I'll even be your partner in class!"
"Oh .. um .. that's okay, Ron. I think .. uh .." Neville tried to say but he was too scared to finish because ..
"Why are you filthy degenerates hanging outside of my class?" Snape snarled as he seemed to have appeared from the shadows. "That's 20 points from your pathetic house for being late. I do not accept tardiness under any circumstances."
Harry nonchalantly shook off the point deduction like it was absolutely nothing at all, but Ron, Hermione, and Neville were looking green around the gills. Hermione couldn't handle being a rule-breaker and it caused her to become a little unbalanced sometimes. Neville on the other hand was too scared of Professor Snape's presence, that he barely even registered the loss of points. Ron however looked like he was going to explode from rage.
"20 POINTS!? THAT'S RUBBISH PROFESSOR!" Hermione was shocked by Ron's outburst and elbowed him hard in the ribs, but it was too late to escape the fury that was Severus Snape.
"I WILL NOT STAND FOR THREATS, MR. WEASLEY! THAT'S ANOTHER 50 POINTS FROM GRYFINDOR!" Snape roared. The redhead seemed to have gotten the message because his eyes grew to the size of dinner plates, and he soiled himself.
"Get inside, Gryffindors!" Snape barked. Hermione, Neville, and Harry obeyed, but Ron waddled to his seat because of the massive amount of shit in his britches. Harry was grateful that he was able to sit next to Hermione, but Neville was not so lucky as he was planted next to Ron.
"We will learn a brand new potion today." Snape growled. "The instructions are on the board! If I see any imperfections, I will deem your potion worthless and you will receive a zero for the day! BEGIN!"
The entire class of second years began working on the potion instructions on the board. The only thing that was on most of the kids' minds was what was the potion they were making? No one knew. Well, that's not true. Hermione Granger obviously knew, and Snape obviously did, but the rest were in the dark on what they were making. If any of the children had pulled out their textbooks and read as Miss Granger had, they would know that the potion they were making was the drought made from the Alihotsy plant. That potion of course would make the drinker experience loads of unstoppable laughter, and if anyone were foolish enough to drink it, they would have a tough not feeling tons of pain from their sides.
"LONGBOTTOM!" Professor Snape shouted from across the dungeons. "Are you so inept that you cannot follow the directions on the board?"
"But .. but .. I was .. was .. was following .."
"Are you talking back to a teacher, Mr. Longbottom? I wouldn't have expected anything less from a Gryffindor. 10 points for your cheeky remark!"
The thing was, Neville was actually trying to make the potion as perfect as possible, but thanks to Professor Snape's berating, the boy accidentally dropped in a few too many ingredients, and the cauldron turned into a goopy grey color. Neville was scared that he would receive a zero for today, but he did try his best and that's all he could do.
"Why you cannot produce the simplest of potions is beyond me, Longbottom." The Potions Master barked while Neville was on the verge of tears. "You will receive a zero for today's assignment, and I want a 10 foot scroll explaining why you are such a dunderhead in my class!"
The news of failing the assignment, and the fact that a teacher was harassing him in front of the whole class, proved to be too much to the small boy. Mr. Longbottom grabbed all of his textbooks and fled from the dungeon. On his way out, however, one of the obnoxious Slytherins decided to stick their leg out and trip the boy. The problem however was that this tripping proved to be a great mistake.
As Neville tumbled to the floor, his cloak snatched on to the person's foot and jerked it in an inconvenient angle, which of course caused it to break and then snap into a few pieces.
"AAHYAAAHH" Neville screeched as he fell.
"YEEEOOOOWWWWWUGGHHH!" The Slytherin responsible for Neville's demise, who was in fact Theodore Nott, exclaimed at the top of his lungs.
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" The Potions Master questioned angrily. As he stepped forward to see what the commotion was, Harry Potter, who had some slight sympathy for Neville Longbottom, decided to act like Mr. Nott, and stuck out his leg for the old man to trip over. The result was disastrous.
Severus Snape fell hard on to the floor but not without grabbing the nearby table and causing all of the potions to drop on to the ground. The children started to scream as the room began to fill up with dangerous gas, and so they grabbed their things and ran as fast as they could out of the room.
The sounds of explosions and loud booms echoed throughout the dungeon halls as the kids ran out of there as fast as they could.
This happened to be the second class of the day where something terrible had happened and everyone seemed to be on edge. The most surprising thing was that this chaos was not caused by Ronald Weasley, but instead Severus Snape! The Slytherins were ashamed that their head of house had fallen over and caused everything to blow up, but most of them had no idea that it was caused by Harry Potter, and instead blamed it on their teacher's clumsiness.
"We could have been killed!" Hermione said aloud.
"Yeah that would have been a real disappointment" Harry sarcastically mentioned.
"What was that Harry?" the girl questioned as she did not hear her friend.
"I said .."
"OH NO!" Ron Weasley cried out as he had realized something terrible.
"What is it, Ron?"
"I forgot my books, Hermione! They're still in the classroom!" Harry outright laughed at the redhead's predicament, while Ron started to get mad at him.
"It's not funny, Harry! How am I going to get my homework done now?!"
"You mean to tell me that you ACTUALLY do homework, Ron? Don't you just copy off of Hermione and just spend the rest of your time with your thumb up your ass?"
"Ssshhhh! Don't say it so loud, Harry!" Ron tried to say without Hermione hearing but that failed.
"YOU'VE BEEN COPYING MY WORK, RONALD WEASLEY?!" Hermione yelled. "I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!"
"Don't be a mumble wumble, Hermione! I was just trying to make sure I got a good grade!" Hermione looked at him with eyes that could stab, while Harry was looking at Ron with a ton of confusion.
"Who says things like 'Don't be a mumble wumble?'" He thought. "I swear I will never understand the Weasleys."
"That's no excuse, Ron! You could have done the work yourself, but you have been relying on me to get you through class! Well no more! You can find someone else's work to copy because we are no longer friends!" Hermione yelled.
As she stormed off to another part of the castle, Ron's eyes grew humongous. How in the world was he going to get his homework done now? The boy had been copying his friend's answers ever since he arrived last year, and now his plan had gone up in smoke! There was only one thing to do now. Beg.
"HARRY HELP ME!" Ron said as threw himself at his other friend's feet and begged. "I can't pass without cheating! Please help me copy off you!"
"I'm not going to help a worthless sack of shit like you. If you had actually given a damn and tried, you wouldn't .."
Harry wanted to rip into Ron Weasley for a long time, but as he was expressing his anger, a better plan formed in his head. Maybe it would be best to help him? After all, Harry could write ANYTHING and the professors would give him a perfect score. This could be the best time to test another theory of his. Would the professors be able to read Ron's horrible answers too? Or would he get perfect scores like Harry did? This was an opportunity he would not throw away.
"You know what? I changed my mind. Of course you can copy off me, Ron. In fact, let me take of your homework for you. That way you won't even have to use your obtuse hands to write anything down!"
"You will?! Oh thanks, Harry! You sure are a swell chap." Ron then tried to hug Harry but it didn't happen, as the boy with glasses shoved him away.
"Don't touch me, Ron."
"Oh come now, Harry! You know you love hugs!" Ron said as he tried to move in for another hug, but he was left in vain as he tripped down the stairs when Harry moved out of the way quickly enough.
As Ron continued to fall down the stairs, the boy could hear several bones being crunched and a lot of wailing soon followed, but Harry Potter didn't give two flying fucks because the redhead doofus deserved it. After Harry chuckled at Ron's demise, he made his way to the Gryffindor Common Room and dropped off his stuff before he could head down to dinner. As he made his way down from his dorm room, Harry wanted to take the opportunity to try and see if Ginny was available. Unfortunately Ginny was not present in the common room, so he went to one of her other friends for help.
"Theresa, have you seen Ginny anywhere?"
"No, I haven't."
"Has anyone else seen her today?" He continued to ask the girl.
"I did see her earlier in Defense Against the Dark Arts, but she disappeared right before lunch. I haven't seen her since." Harry growled in response and turned away from the girl.
"Well good luck, Harry!" Theresa said but Harry was out of ear reach and couldn't hear her.
Harry was a little peeved since he couldn't find Ginny. He wanted to discover the reason why she could hear him, and since she was his best friend, he also wanted to tell her about the bullshit that had occurred earlier today. She could also tell him about the stupid things that happened in her classes too, and there would most likely be a huge round of laughter all around. With no sign of Ginny, Harry went and turned away from the Gryffindor Common room, and headed down the many winding staircases.
As Harry was about to reach the bottom of the long tower of stairs, a small creature appeared in a flash and grabbed him. As the boy started to take in his surroundings and see who had grabbed him, Harry was able to see that they were in an abandoned classroom, and his captor was a small being who he had never seen before.
"Oh, great Harry Potter sir! I have finally found you! I finally found the great Harry Potter!" The small creature said. It jumped up and grabbed the boy in a hug, but Harry threw him off quickly.
"Who the hell are you?" as he took in the appearance of his captor.
"Oh my! Such language from Mr. Harry Potter! Mr. Potter should be more kind to Dobby!"
"So that's what you are? A Dobby? What's a Dobby anyway?" Harry asked.
"Dobby is my name, sir! Dobby the house-elf."
"You're a house-elf? Huh. So this is what they look like. I've never met a house-elf before."
"The great Harry Potter has not met a house-elf before? Mr. Harry Potter should have seen an elf by now! There are many elves in the kitchens of the castle, sir."
"I just said I haven't seen any you filthy creature! Now what do you want? I would like to try and get on with my day." Harry said while rolling his eyes.
"Oh! Dobby hears more insults from Harry Potter! Maybe Harry Potter no good at all. No good Mr. Harry Potter indeed!" The small elf said while he covered his ears.
"So you're just like the sorting hat then? You can hear me curse at you while the other people in here can't?" Harry stated. He would have to try and figure out that little detail later, but that was not the big issue right now.
"Oh yes. Dobby hears not so great Harry Potter curse. Not so great Harry Potter rude to Dobby! Maybe Dobby not tell Mr. Harry Potter something!"
"Whatever. What do you want you little shit stain?"
"Dobby no like insults! Dobby offended by Mr. Harry Potter! Dobby only wanted to tell Mr. Harry Potter that there is a plot at Hogwarts! Bad people will cause bad things to happen!"
"So? Stupid shit seems to happen all the time around here. Why should your warning be of any help to me?"
"History is repeating itself, bad Mr. Harry Potter. Terrible things are about to happen. Ancient secrets will be revealed, and terrible things are coming soon!"
"Do you have to be so cryptic, Dobby? Can't you give me some information that isn't so fucking vague?"
"Dobby cannot, sir! Dobby bound to a bad wizard family who do bad things! Dobby only wanted to warn Mr. Harry Potter about the bad things!"
"So you grab me, drag me into a classroom, tell me some stupid shit about bad things happening, and then you don't give me any heads up on what it is? You really wasted my time you little vermin!"
"OH! DOBBY TAKE NO MORE!" Dobby screeched. "DOBBY GO AWAY FROM MR. HARRY POTTER! DOBBY HATE BAD MR. HARRY POTTER, SIR!"
"Oh just fuck off, Dobby! You're a stupid little shit that's not worth my time."
"DOBBY REMEMBER THIS! DOBBY REMEMBER THIS MR. HARRY POTTER!" Dobby yelled as he disappeared instantly away.
"Finally. Now I can try to find Ginny with hopefully no more distractions!" Harry grumbled as he began walking away from the classroom. Once he stepped outside, however, Harry discovered that Dobby had taken him to a classroom that was on the TOP floor. Great. Harry now had to walk all the way down the stairs again, and it was all Dobby's fault!
"If I see that house-elf again, there will be some hell to pay." The boy thought.
"Why in blazes would he even bother trying to warn me about something? It's not like bad things don't happen every day around this god damn magic death trap. Whatever. Hopefully he won't come back and I won't have another headache."
As Harry walked down the massive amount of stairs once again, the boy passed by Ron Weasley and decided to once again take is aggression out on him. Before Ron could even speak a word, Harry shoved him hard which caused him to fall down an entire flight of stairs. The sounds of howling pain and bone crunches could be heard in the entire castle at this point, but Harry didn't care. He wanted to find Ginny, and no one was going to stop him from achieving that.