A/N: Music has a habit of inspiring what I write. In this case, I thought after battling Armisael, had Rei survived, the sixteenth angel's words would cut pretty deep. Listen to "Hostage" by Billie Eilish as you read. I have to be honest, I felt very emotional as I wrote this, because I, and I'm sure a lot of readers, have been the one watching the door, waiting for that person. But please, as always, enjoy!
-Mystykk
Hostage
The lock on Apartment 402's door clicked with an echo as the First Child walked inside her dreary dwelling. She had been ordered to return home and await further orders. Rei's crimson eyes looked about the dark apartment as nightfall had come just an hour before. The only sounds were of crickets chirping outside and nighttime construction. No one here. Just her. Alone.
Rei had been released from the hospital with minor injuries after attempting to contain the sixteenth angel, and managing to bail out at the last second. Everyone had thought her dead, but the recovery team of Ritsuko Akagi had managed to locate her and bring her back to HQ before the third body could be activated. Even though she had nearly single-handedly defeated the angel, which was something to be proud of, she could not shake the sixteenth angel's cruel analysis of her.
"You're alone, and you hate it."
She frowned in remembrance of that encounter. Rei had never given much thought, if any, to being alone. Not since Shinji Ikari came into her life. The boy who had shown her compassion. Real compassion. Without him, at times, her heart felt empty as their friendship progressed. How she craved his presence sometimes.
I wanna be alone
Alone with you, does that make sense?
She walked over to her bed and gently laid across the worn mattress on her stomach. The dark was beginning to feel suffocating. Enclosing her. Snuffing the already dim light in her lonely heart. Rei quickly turned on the light above her bed, alleviating the crushing darkness, and rested her head on her folded arms.
"How will I face him now?" she thought. "He has seen my heart. The angel shared my heart with him."
Her slender fingers gripped the pillow as the knot in her stomach tightened. What was there to fear? Rejection? Rei had never experienced true rejection, but the thought of it stung like needles.
"Your even uglier heart. Your heart wants Ikari all for yourself," the angel told her. "You felt lonely, and you wanted Ikari to stay by your side forever."
He went to see the Second every day in the hospital. But what for? All she did was abuse his good nature, mock him, treat him no better than the dirt she tread upon. Rei had always been treated second to everything. Even to the Commander. He raised her and nurtured her, but only for his own purposes, just as he had treated his own son. He only needed them to reunite with Yui. Shinji deserved better.
I wanna steal your soul
And hide you in my treasure chest
Rei had watched the imitation of her created by the angel caress Unit-01 as if it were Shinji. It was only an imitation, but it was also the extension of her heart. She truly wanted him, and wanted him to want only her. The angel knew it, and was using it against her in an attempt to break her.
"If I were to be with him," she pondered, "what would that be like?"
Rei had read enough to know what a romantic relationship entailed, but had never considered for herself what it would be like to be with someone. What use was it to her? The Commander insisted that there was no need for romance in the girl's life. Now, she was questioning that. The use would be to fill the ever-growing void she felt in her soul.
A warm feeling entered her body as she considered the possibilities. Embracing him each night as they fell asleep. Sweet kisses as they awoke to the breaking dawn. A family. A normal life. No. It couldn't happen. It didn't fit with the scenario.
But how much of this scenario did she truly believe in? As time went on, none of it. She didn't believe in any of it. She was simply a means to an end. Shinji had changed that. Filled her with growing hope. But now, her heart was breaking, as she didn't even know how to approach him. The thoughts she had currently swimming in her head kept her heart from breaking completely. There was hope, if even a micron of it. He wasn't here, but the thought of him kept her company.
I don't know what to do
To do with your kiss on my neck
I don't know what feels true
But this feels right so stay a sec
Yeah, you feel right so stay a sec
Rei looked to the door across the apartment. In her mind, she held a feeble hope that he would burst through that door and comfort her in her time of sorrow. How she wanted him to. Yet, it was not to come; not this time. Not today.
Rei realized that she would have to stay here, as ordered, alone, while attention was given to Asuka. Her lonesome was now being replaced by anger.
"Do I hate the Second Child? Is that what this is? Yes. I hate her. She does not deserve their attention. She is pathetic. A poor excuse for a pilot. Arrogant. Shrewd. Hateful. She does not deserve Shinji's attention."
Her eyes widened, disgusted with herself. This wasn't like her. She had never felt that for anyone. Annoyed, perhaps, but not hate. Hate was reserved for the worst of the worst. But Rei was beginning to believe that Asuka was deserving of her hatred. The redheaded German was stealing Shinji away from her, and Shinji's passive nature was letting it happen. Rei knew she was being selfish, but she didn't care at this point. She wanted him all to herself. She wanted to keep her warmth from the fire he had stoked in her. There was no way she would allow the Second Child to snuff her flame.
Rei knew she was more than capable of giving Shinji what he needed in his life, even if it took her a while to learn it. She was more than willing to learn. She wanted to keep him safe, loved, cared for, and never allow him to escape her.
Let me crawl inside your veins
I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain
It's not like me to be so mean, you're all I wanted
Just let me hold you
Like a hostage
The emotions welling within her were beginning to lose their individual shape as they began to meld together. Rei's head felt like it was going to explode from the strain as she attempted to keep them suppressed. Anger, sorrow, hatred, loneliness, fear. She couldn't identify which was which. The more she tried to keep them down, the more her heart was breaking. It was too much. A small whimper escaped her throat once a final crack split her aching heart in two. Rei looked down to see new wet spots on her pillow. Tears.
"Why am I crying again?" she wondered. "What are these feelings that have awakened in me? Why does it hurt to feel these things? I don't understand…"
The more she thought, the harder she began to cry. Rei's sniffles resounded around her silent apartment, filling it with new noise the stained and molded walls had never heard. She gripped the pillow hard and buried her face in the old and flattened poly fiber cushion.
"What am I to do?" she whispered aloud, hoping someone would hear and deliver the answer to her query. Nothing. No one. Still alone.
Rei sat up and wrapped her arms around herself, attempting to keep warmth around herself amidst the icy chill that was blowing through her soul. No one would come to her rescue. Nothing like the fairy tales. Only one person could warm her in ways she had never believed possible, and he wasn't here. Her tear-stained eyes remained fixed on the door, feeling as that last sliver of hope began to vanish.
Blue strands of hair began to stick to her alabaster cheeks as tears wetted her skin, annoying her. This is ridiculous, she thought. Why cry over one boy? Why all this pain? Why feel such anger for another person? With this in mind, Rei wiped her tears and sat up and walked to her mirror. In her reflection, she saw the whites of her eyes were now irritated pink from her tears. Her face was flushed, and her lip quivered slightly. She had never seen herself like this. Dismal. Broken. She was always so strong, because she had to be. She had nothing to lose. Now she had something, and it was slipping through her fingers as quickly as she had gained it. No. Not this time. Maybe her knight in shining armor would come through that door, and she would claim her prize for all the suffering she has had to endure the last fifteen years. But she had to get him to her. The simple thought of him would no longer satisfy her.
Rei's phone had never been used for anything other than official NERV business. She knew S2 would be listening in if she used it. If what she was thinking were to work without fail, it had to sound official. She had to tell him. She needed his warmth. With this thought in mind, she dialed his number.
Ring
Ring
Ring
(Shinji Ikari speaking.)
Anxiety grew in Rei's body, and her hand trembled at the sound of his voice. Why did his voice make her weak? She steeled her nerves, and spoke.
"Pilot Ikari," she said, hiding the shake in her voice and trying to sound as official as she normally did. "I need you to come to my apartment at once."
(Ayanami? You're out of the hospital? Are you okay?) Rei's heart fluttered, knowing he sounded concerned.
"Yes. I am fine, but I need you here right now. I have important matters I need to discuss with you."
(O-okay. I-I'll be there as soon as I can!)
"Understood."
Rei quickly shut the phone without a goodbye and sat it back down on the dresser, staring at it. Did she just do it? Was he going to come? Yes. She had done her part. Now she just had to wait.
Minutes felt like hours as the clock ticked away. Rei sat on her bed, carefully watching the door. It normally took Shinji approximately twenty-two minutes to reach her apartment. It had only been thirteen. She was growing impatient listening to the sound of the clock.
Tick
Tick
Tick
She scowled at the clock. It wasn't moving fast enough for her. Rei was a very patient person, but now, when she needed something so desperately, it wasn't enough. She needed the clock to move faster.
Twenty minutes down. In her mind, Rei had imagined Shinji running through the streets of Tokyo-3 like a madman; a knight in shining armor hurrying to rescue the princess locked away in her tower. Now, with only two minutes to go, it seemed time was slowing down. Her hope was beginning to fade again. Was he coming? Yes. He had to be. He said he would. Shinji always kept his word.
Perhaps he was held up by something important? Or maybe he had gotten hurt on the way in a rush to get here. Oh, God, no. Please don't let it be. Let him get here safely.
Twenty three minutes down. A minute later than normal. Her heart sunk deep into her chest.
"He isn't coming," she thought morosely as she sank back onto her bed. The tears began to well in her eyes again. Rei had only cried three times in her life, but it was all within the last few days. She hated feeling like this. She detested this pain. In her moment of self-pity, she had almost not heard the knock at her door. The pat-pat-pat on her door faded into her range of hearing slowly.
"Ayanami?" a familiar voice called. "It's Ikari. Are you here?"
The sound of his voice immediately woke the albino from her stupor. Yes. He did come. I knew it. She sprang from her bed immediately and rushed to the door to open it.
The metal door opened with its usual creak as Rei stood in the doorway to greet her guest.
"Good evening, Ikari," she greeted, again hiding the shake of anticipation in her voice.
"H-hey, A-Ayanami," he responded. Shinji had a look of worry on his face upon noticing her unusually flushed expression. Was she sick?
"Please, come in."
Rei stepped aside to allow her guest to enter the apartment. Shinji thanked her as he slipped his shoes off and she closed the door behind her with an audible thud.
"Is everything alright, Rei?" he asked. "You don't look good."
"Yes," she replied, almost ignoring his impression of her. "Would you like some tea?"
"That would be great, actually," Shinji smiled. "It's pretty cold outside."
Rei could see he had left his apartment without a jacket and was shivering slightly. That would not do. Hot tea would fix that easily. As Rei prepared their beverages, Shinji sat in the chair in the middle of her apartment, watching her and studying her face. Why were her eyes so red and puffy? That wasn't normal. Why is her face so red? That wasn't normal either. Was she running a fever since leaving the hospital? It was too confusing.
"Rei," he started, "have you been...crying?"
The bluenette managed to hide her shock that he had figured it out as she began to pour the tea. While she appreciated his concern, she couldn't allow him to see her like this. Broken and afraid. No. She had to hide it.
"How would you like your tea?" Rei asked, dodging his question with ease. Shinji was taken aback. That certainly wasn't like her to not answer a direct question. Maybe she just didn't want to talk about it.
"O-oh, uh, as-is, is fine."
With a nod, Rei returned to him and served him his beverage. While not the best, it was perfect to warm his chilled body. Rei quietly sipped her tea, not even acknowledging she still had some work to do on it. She studied him as his gaze was fixed on his tea cup. He had noticed her condition, but had chosen not to press the issue. The First frowned. In some way she wanted him to press the issue. She wanted to know that he was truly concerned.
A scent of recently-smoked cigarettes from Shinji's direction permeated Rei's nostrils. He had taken up sneaking smokes from Ritsuko lately to deal with the stress he was being put under to pilot Unit 01. She knew about it, having secretly caught him on numerous occasions, but chose not to say anything. It was not her place to judge him on his health if it did not affect his ability to pilot. However, a nagging feeling inside her wanted to tell him that what he was doing was detrimental to his health; but, it was still not her place to tell him what coping mechanisms were appropriate.
"Ikari," she said, breaking the silence. "Do you remember our battle with the angel the other day?"
"Y-yeah," he replied. "It's not easy to forget when an angel tries to invade your mind." A quiet chuckle emanated from him, yet Rei stayed silent. There was nothing funny about that, but perhaps it was a joke to ease his own troubles regarding the subject.
"And did you, perhaps, see anything unusual about it?"
Shinji wasn't sure how to answer that question. Angels were strange creatures, and he believed everything they did was unusual.
"Not really, no."
Rei frowned again. That wasn't the answer she wanted.
"In the battle with the sixteenth angel," she said, "it said it would...share its heart with me. That it wanted to become one with me."
Shinji raised an eyebrow as she went on. Now that was certainly unusual. No angel had made verbal contact with the pilots before.
"I explained to it that it was simply lonely. That it hated being alone. But, I realized that, upon speaking with what I believed to be the angel, I was actually speaking to myself. It was I who felt this loneliness."
Shinji couldn't believe what he was hearing. Rei was opening up to him about her feelings. If anything was truly unusual, it was this.
"Shinji…" she said, stifling back a quiet sob and completely unaware that she had called him by his first name, "I am lonely."
Rei lowered her head, attempting to hide the obvious pain in her face. The Third sat there in utter shock as he watched silent tears stream down her cheeks.
"Rei…" he whispered, unsure of what to do. He had never seen Rei cry.
"I hate this pain," she said, becoming increasingly unable to hide her misery in her sobs. Shinji sat his tea down by his chair and approached her. He watched her as her body began to tremble, and felt as his own heart began to ache for the poor girl. Shinji lowered himself to her level and looked up into her ruby red eyes, watching as her tears fell, completely taken by surprise at this new development.
Rei hated herself right now. She was being so selfish to call him here, only to break down in front of him, simply for the fact she didn't want to be alone. This wasn't fair to him. It wasn't fair to anyone.
"I-I'm sorry, Shinji," she sobbed quietly. "I should not have called you here."
A warm touch graced her cheek and caught her by surprise.
"His hands on my face," she thought. "It feels nice. Euphoric. Why does it feel so good?"
Shinji's thumb gently wiped her tears away from her face. Rei tilted her head slightly into his hand in order to gather more warmth from his gentle touch. This was more than just simple hand touching. This was different. Intoxicating, even. She didn't want his hand to leave her cheek. The calming waters of his blue eyes washed over her, making her feel relaxed and captivated. A hint of a reassuring smile graced his lips in an attempt to say everything was going to be okay. Pain was slowly beginning to work its way out of her mind.
"Don't be sorry, Rei," Shinji whispered. "You have nothing to apologize for. This is what friends are for."
Friends? She had friends. One true friend. But even that wasn't enough. He had to know.
"In my heart," Rei went on, "the angel found my one true desire...was to be with you."
"What?" he whispered, meeting Rei's soul-piercing ruby gaze.
"Yes. It showed me my desire was to become one with you. Which is why it manifested itself to you in my form."
Shinji was flabbergasted, to say the least. Couldn't this have just been an attempt by the angel to break down the pilot's walls and allow it in? No. Rei wasn't naive enough to allow that to happen. She destroyed it along with Unit-00 in order to prevent it from breaking her down further and to save the life of the one she desired.
"Rei, I-I don't know what to say…"
Rei stood, taking his hand, studying his face, looking for something. She looked to his lips. How she longed for him to lean forward and kiss her, which was new for her. In her life, the thought of becoming intimate with someone was completely foreign to her. Now, she craved it, whether it would taste like cigarette smoke or not. Her heart pounded against her chest hard enough she swore she could feel her ribs about to crack.
Gold on your fingertips
Fingertips against my cheek
Gold leaf across your lips
Kiss me until I can't speak
"I do not like this feeling of being alone," she stated. "I believed before that being alone was the sure way of preventing this pain, even if I did not know what it felt like on the surface. Since meeting you, I can no longer bear to be alone. It once was my safe space, and now, it is my prison. The sixteenth angel was correct. I hurt when I am alone."
The Third Child stood there stunned as she spoke.
"I see you go to Second's bedside every day, waiting for her to wake up. I know how she treats you. It hurts me to see you pain over someone who would not do the same for you."
Shinji felt his own heart beginning to break. How long had she felt like this? How did he miss this? Rei was good at hiding what she was thinking, but hiding new emotions was not something she was good at just yet. He wasn't sure of what to say. This was all hitting him like a ton of bricks as he realized he had been blind to how she was feeling. Shinji stood motionless as she went on, listening to every word carefully.
"When I am with you, I feel warm inside. You have sparked feelings in me that I do not yet understand. I want to know what these feelings are, and embrace them. I want to spark that same feeling of warmth within you. I have never been close to anyone but the commander. All he has taught me was that it was better to be alone; to shut out the world and avoid getting hurt. It seemed like great advice, at first, but I realize now it is a cold lie. He has lied to me my whole life. He wants to keep me as aloof and unfeeling as he is. He has only shown concern for my well being if it suited his needs. You are his son, but you are different. You show vested interest in my well being, and consider my feelings without hesitation. You have been there for me every time I needed you, just as you are currently. I feel safe and protected in your presence. If I am to be alone, I want to be alone with you."
Shinji paused, in denial of what he was hearing. Inside the silence of the apartment, Shinji could hear his heart thumping in his ears. The ticking of the clock was just as deafening. Rei stood there, unmoving, waiting for his response, listening as time went by. Her body trembled slightly as her admission made its way out of her into the darkened room.
"What are you saying, Rei?" he asked.
Gold chain beneath your shirt
The shirt that you let me wear home
Gold's fake and real love hurts
But nothing hurts when I'm alone
When you're with me and we're alone
Rei stepped closer to him, looking up into his pools of blue. She studied his lips that she so desperately wanted to enclose her own around. The burning feeling inside her wanted to escape as she stood close enough to nearly be touching his chest with her own. This could be her chance to finally end her lonesomeness. All she had to do was word it correctly.
"I would like...to be one with you," she said.
Shinji's mouth opened slightly and he trembled upon hearing her confession. His heart felt like it was about to jump out of his chest and hit the floor. He had never thought Rei would say something like this, and hearing it gave him pause. He wanted to run away, but something kept his feet planted firmly to the hard concrete floor. His shaking hand raised slowly and caressed her cheek softly. Yes, this felt right. He wasn't sure what to say, but he and Rei never really did need to say anything to understand each other. It was just natural.
"May I...kiss you?" Rei whispered. She couldn't hide the nagging itch to do something intimate. Any longer, and she felt she would explode, just as Unit-00 did. It was a risky request on her part.
Shinji said nothing, and simply lost himself in her pools of red, entranced at her request. Very slowly, he inched his face closer to hers. Rei noticed this, and smiled in her heart. Her request was being met.
As their lips met, the ticking of the clock began to fade from their ears. Rei's heart fluttered as a new feeling of euphoria washed over her entire body, threatening to drown her in its wake. She stood steady, but felt her knees were beginning to buckle at the sensation. Luckily, Shinji's arms wrapped around her thin frame, holding her firmly in place as the room around them began to spin.
Rei succumbed to the feeling and brought her chest flush with Shinji's, feeling his heart beat just as fast and hard as hers was. She further steadied herself by wrapping her arms around his neck as the kiss got deeper and more passionate. Her mind was a flurry of emotions between this exhilarating feeling, the happiness that was growing inside her, and the fear that S2 was watching them. But the fire being stoked in her heart burned away any and all care that anyone would see them. She didn't mind at all. This moment was about them. Nobody else.
Her tongue tasted the burned tobacco on his lips, making her wince for a second. But the wave of serene pleasure coursing through her body allowed her to look past it. Rei knew that once she had tasted his kiss for the first time, she would be at his mercy. If anyone was to have her heart, and hold it forever, it had to be him. She no longer felt a need to try and possess him. The tables had turned, and now she was his.
Rei held her hands at his neck as they slowly pulled away from each other, and rested her forehead on his, looking at the floor. The pair panted quietly, attempting to regain the oxygen they had lost in their moment. For a brief second, she wondered if that had actually just happened, and she wasn't just lost in another scenario in her mind. Rei brought a finger to her lip, and felt a new warmness and wetness upon the soft skin, confirming that it really did happen. She smiled softly to herself.
"You are good at kissing, Shinji," Rei whispered.
Shinji's mind was a whirlwind of its own. What was that? In less than an hour, he had been called to her apartment, been told of her feelings, and had just kissed her. Was this really Rei? Was this just another one of his daydreams?
"Y-yeah," he stammered. "Y-you are too, Rei."
The pair stood motionless in their positions, listening as the clock ticked on in the silent apartment. Their tea cups on the floor were growing colder by the minute, but they would not be finished anytime soon. In the silence, Rei moved to grab Shinji's hand. Without a word, she spun around, keeping her grip on his hand, and began to lead him to the bed. Shinji saw what she was doing, and started to become concerned.
"Rei, what are you doing?"
"I would like for you to stay with me tonight," she said.
"You mean...i-in your bed?"
"Yes."
Fear rose in Shinji's body. Rei wanted him to sleep in the same bed as her? He tried to protest by pulling back on her hand, but she wasn't going to let him get away that easily.
"Rei, I-I don't know if-" he stammered before she cut him off.
"I do not want to be alone tonight," Rei said quietly; that hint of sadness returning to her voice.
Shinji stopped pulling back, realizing there was no ulterior motive. She just wanted someone there.
"A-alright, Rei," he said, sitting on the bed with her.
It was clear that the pillowtop on her mattress had long since worn away, as the springs were nearly touching his backside through the sheet. Rei didn't seem to mind as she laid down, resting her head on the pillow. Shinji followed suit, laying down to face her as she pulled the blanket over the both of them. Silence once again was between them as they were quickly losing themselves in each others' gazes.
"Shinji, am I beautiful?" Rei asked in the still darkness.
The Third looked at her, a little confused at her question. Was she truly this unaware of her appearance? His eyes studied her perfect face. The lips he kissed. The mess of blue hair on her head. Her eyes. Oh, those piercing red eyes. His heart skipped a beat.
"Yes, Rei," he said. "You're very beautiful."
The warmth in her body returned with his words. Her heart pounded against her chest, causing the hard rush of blood to go to her cheeks and create a light pink blush.
"Do you...like me, Shinji?"
Shinji gulped as nerves plagued his stomach. This was a question he never thought Rei would ask. Then again, he couldn't have imagined that everything that transpired in the last hour would have happened. Even still, he had his answer.
"I-I do, R-Rei."
The faintest smile graced Rei's lips. Everything was going just as she wanted it to.
"Will you hold me, Shinji?" she asked.
He sat motionless for a second, making sure he had heard her correctly. Shinji's arms moved towards her slowly, and found their way across her waist, his hands meeting at the small of her back. Rei's leg overlapped his own, securing him to her slender body. Her hand made its way over Shinji's heart and felt as it beat. She nestled her head into the crook of his neck and shut her eyes.
Shinji's heart was racing a mile a minute at her touch. This was an uncomfortable situation for him, for sure, but seeing Rei content simply by his presence caused him to relax.
"This is nice," she said, allowing the relaxing feeling to take hold of her body.
Shinji's gentle touch was more than enough to calm the storm raging in her mind that night.
"Yeah, it is," Shinji replied, at odds with himself at how comfortable he actually felt in such close proximity to her.
With this newfound comfort, Shinji used his hand to softly stroke Rei's azure locks. The tender movements of his fingers coupled with the secure embrace of his arms filled Rei's heart with a new sense of security. He wasn't going anywhere. Rei snuggled deeper into him in an attempt to get more of the feeling. She smiled knowing she was safe with him. Her knight in shining armor had come to rescue her.
Let me crawl inside your veins
I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain
It's not like me to be so mean, you're all I wanted
Just let me hold you
Like a hostage
A/N: I have to be honest, the ending feels weak compared to the beginning. Life got super busy as I was writing this, and writers block hit me hard. If you think it could be improved, please let me know! I'd be happy to edit this to make it better. Thank you for reading! Rate and Review!
-Mystykk