S1 E10

PT1

Reid awoke with a start. His skin sticky with sweat he threw the covers off himself and rushed to the bathroom. After expelling the small amount of food and coffee he'd consumed the previous day (it was about 90% coffee), he let himself settle on the floor of the bathroom. Spencer glanced out of the bathroom at his dark bedroom, reading the numbers on his digital clock.

It read 4:37am. He'd gotten approximately three hours of sleep. He'd been suffering from nightmares for a little under a week now. Each time he closed his eyes, he saw the faces of the victims he couldn't save. Recently, Reid had unconsciously started taking each death personally. His team relied on him to solve puzzles and provide information quickly, and if someone died when they were on a case, it fell onto his shoulders. Each new body found was another failure to pile onto Reid's ongoing list. And the worst part was, with his eidetic memory, he would never forget that list.

The past five days he had only gotten two or three hours of sleep each night, being plagued with nightmares which forced him awake and kept him from going back to sleep. He was exhausted.

This wasn't the first time he'd gotten sick either. He'd vomited fairly frequently this week, and he was starting to feel the effects of the lack of sleep and nourishment.

After staying on the floor for a few minutes, he finally got the strength to pull himself off the ground. Immediately, he felt the world shift, but he managed to grip the sick tight enough to stay upright. After the initial dizziness passed, Reid wandered out of the bathroom, keeping one hand on the wall. Blurrily, he made his way to the kitchen, using muscle memory rather than his eyes to find his way there. Knowing he couldn't go back to sleep, he went ahead and put on the coffee.

Reid flopped in a chair in his living room, flipping on the tv. He wasn't even really aware of what was playing, but he needed some form of background noise.

He knew he couldn't go on like this. He was running on fumes. But Reid never was very good at asking for help. The last thing he wanted was for the team to see him as being weak. They already viewed him as being the kid brother, this might make them think he can't handle the job. He could take a few nightmares, I mean it's not like he was the only one who got them, right?

Reid lightly dozed off but was startled awake when his coffee maker beeped. Suppressing a yawn, the man clumsily stood and made his way to the cabinets holding mugs. After pouring himself a cup and dumping a shitload of sugar in, he settled back on the chair, lazily watching television.

His alarm went off before he knew it. Reid had managed to drift off for an hour, his coffee gone cold in his hand. His clock flashed 6:00am and he stumbled over to turn it off. Quickly, he began throwing himself together for work. His hair was all over the place and his shirt wrinkled, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

Reid knew he was looking increasingly shitty all week. His skin had paled to an almost translucent white and his normally dark under-eyes now appeared bruised. He washed his face with cold water in an attempt to wake himself up further and proceeded to down the cup of cold coffee a hint of disgust on his face. It tasted repulsive, but caffeine was caffeine and he needed all he could get right now.

He managed to make it into the office in a blur, immediately heading to the coffee machine after setting his things down at his desk. Reid poured a cup with minimal spilling and began dumping sugar in. He figured that this was a good enough substitute for breakfast. Suddenly, a voice startled him out of his thoughts.

"Easy there, tough guy, have some coffee with your sugar."

Reid didn't glance up from his coffee but managed to form a sentence coherent enough to reply with.

"I need something to wake me up."
"Ooooh," Derek gawked, "Late night?"
"Very."
"My man!" Derek smirked. Reid let out a small chuckle but shook his head.

"Not that kind of late night." Derek smiled and laughed at this, turning to face the young agent.

"Okay, so tell me, what does keep young Dr. Reid awake at night?" Reid opened his mouth to answer, but Derek continued, placing a hand on his small shoulder. "Wait, let me guess. Memorizing some obscure textbook… no no no no, working on cold fusion. Wait no, I got it. Watching Star Trek and laughing at the physics mistakes."

Reid shook his head before replying. "Actually, there aren't that many scientific errors in Star Trek. Especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors." He glanced up to see slight confusion on Derek's face after finishing his small rant.

"Right." Derek turned to leave. Reid took a sip of his coffee, the caffeine taking a bit of the edge off. He watched his coworker go. 'It's now or never' Reid thought, pushing himself off the counter.

"Hey Morgan?" he said in a quiet voice. Derek turned around to face Reid, who moved a bit closer before continuing. "uhh… do you ever h-have dreams?" he questioned. Derek looked confused and Reid realized he might have to clarify.

"I'm sorry?"

"I guess uh… nightmares would be a more accurate description." He made eye contact with Derek, who gave him a concerned look.

"Is that what's keeping you up?"

Reid cleared his throat, shifting his eyes to the ground. "I used to get them occasionally but… lately it's like I have them every night."

"What are they about?"
"This. What we do." He stared at the floor a moment longer before risking a glance at Derek. "Do… you have nightmares?"

Derek's voice took on a controlled tone as he answered, one that surprised Reid.
"Reid, I'm not sure if I'm the right person for you to talk to about this." Reid was taken about slightly. He'd come to Derek in confidence and now he was being turned away. Hurt filled his eyes as he realized that his coworker didn't care.

"W-why not?"

"it's just, uh…" Derek seemed hesitant, "Did you ask Gideon about it?"

Reid's brows furrowed. As if he'd talk to his supervisor about something as trivial as nightmares. He shook his head. "No."

Derek paused before answering. "You should." Reid glanced up with shock, swallowing the lump in his throat. Elle interrupted the conversation though before Reid could respond.

"Hey, Hotch wants everyone in the round table room. Something up with you two?"

"No." Reid answered a little too quickly, refusing to make eye contact with either of them. He made a fast exit, walking away from Derek and brushing past Elle as he made his way up the stairs into their meeting room.

The meeting was brief and before he knew it Reid found himself stepping off the jet in the mountains of Virginia. He'd downed his third cup of coffee and was buzzing slightly from the caffeine. Reid found himself breathing a sigh of relief when Gideon brought him and JJ along to a different part of the crime scene. He decided that it would be better to ignore his problems, hoping that Derek wouldn't bring it up again.

He knew it was a stupid decision to bring it up, he should've just dealt with it himself. Reid blurrily made his way through the crime scene, spewing some unhelpful facts but taking in as much information as he could with his slightly incoherent state of mind.

Reid stuffed his hands in his pockets to mask the shaking. He attempted to pay attention to his coworker's words, but he wasn't hanging onto many of them. His exhaustion seemed to be making itself more and more known, even with the copious amounts of caffeine and sugar he was pouring into his body. He realized the shaking might also be stemming from the lack of food. Reid realized he was receiving concerned glances and decided he probably needed more coffee. JJ seemed to be walking off with the sheriff, heading to a vehicle. That could be his escape. He shot off after them, tripping over himself while making up an excuse to go back to the station with them.

He stumbled out of the car but regained his footing as the sheriff and JJ talked to the reverend on the street. He kept his head down, speaking few words and trailing a bit behind the other two.

Reid forced himself through a conversation with the sheriff's son and did a bit of research on the whole LOD concept. He came up empty and ended up downing more caffeine and eating part of a bagel. It made his stomach churn slightly and he couldn't risk getting sick, so he threw in the towel after a few bites.

The afternoon went by in a blur, Reid's head feeling more and more like soup. His thoughts were jumbled, and his body exhausted. He was uncoordinated (more than normal) and felt as though he was simply floating through the day. He vaguely recalled searching for Cherish in the woods but he couldn't seem to process any of the information.

"Tired?" Hotch asked Reid after he yawned into his hand. His dark circles were more prominent than ever now, body being held up by the cabinet he was leaning against.

"I'm fine" he replied, shaking his head, brow furrowing.

"We all get them sometimes."

"Get what?"
"Nightmares." This made Reid finally glance up from his notebook. He immediately turned to look at Derek. He'd betrayed him, telling Hotch about his nightmares? What the hell? Derek knew he didn't want Hotch to know. What if they kicked him off the team? He came back to himself, deciding to downplay it.
"It's not that bad."
"If you want to talk about it, you know where I am." Hotch stated, patting Reid on the arm. That certainly wasn't the response he was expecting.

The team gave the profile to the officers in the precinct. They got Mike Zizzo in custody and Hotch and the Sheriff were currently speaking to him at the station while Derek and he stayed at the Jensen house.

"You guys need anything."
"Coffee would be nice." Reid mumbled, rubbing his eyes. It was getting late and his eyelids seemed to be getting heavier and heavier.

Derek scoffed "He takes about a quart of sugar in it." Reid frowned.

"Two teaspoons is fine." He corrected, nodding his thanks at the officer.

"You got it."

Reid turned back to his retreating coworker and cleared his throat.

"Morgan," he started, a bit more energy in his voice than previously, "you knew I didn't want you to tell Hotch about my nightmares."
"Reid that's something they need to know about." Reid felt a pang of fear shoot through his body.

"What do you mean 'they'?"

Derek paused. "Hotch and Gideon."
"You told Gideon too?!" Reid shouted with a bit of frustration in his voice.

"Yeah, and it's okay, kid."

"Wh-what if they think I can't do my job?!" He yelled, eyes darting around the dark ground. "W-what if they want to pull me off the team?!" His voice broke slightly at the thought of this.

"They won't."
"Oh, yeah? How do you know that?"

Derek didn't say anything for a moment and Reid bounced in the silence. He managed to hold eye contact with his coworker as he seemingly struggled for an answer. Reid's jaw clenched in frustration as Derek began again.

"I just do."

Reid scoffed as Derek began to walk away from him. "You had no right, man. I-I confided in you. This is- you know this is exactly what I get when I trust someone, it gets thrown back in my face!"

"Mine started six months after I got into the BAU." Derek interrupted, stepping closer to him. "Yeah. Mine." He sighed, leaning against a car. Derek began explaining to Reid the root of his own nightmares. It sounded an awful lot like what Reid had been dealing with as well.

"What did you do?" Reid whispered after his friend finished his story.

"Gideon. He knew. I didn't tell him. I was like you," Derek nodded towards Reid in understanding, "I didn't want anybody to know."

Reid felt a bit better after their conversation, but it quickly was interrupted by Cory. Soon the three of them were running towards the unknown shack behind the Jensen house. Derek went in and when he came back out, it was clear he'd found Cherish. And considering he came back out alone, she was not alive in there.

"Reid, I want you to go to the house and see if the deputies have come back."
"What?"

"We need the sheriff and the crime scene team here."
"But-"

"Reid. Do it."

Reid raced back through the woods. No one had returned yet. He sighed to himself, shaking his head slightly. Retracing his steps, he made his way back through the woods to where Derek and Cody were. A headache was quickly making itself known and it was becoming hard to focus. He tripped over his feet, exhaustion once again making itself known throughout his body. He was barely paying attention to where he was going. He heard voices but wasn't paying attention to what they were saying.

"Hey Morgan, no one's up there-" suddenly an arm was wrapped around his neck and Reid felt the butt of a gun against his temple. His hands shot up on instinct and his heart pounded against his chest.

"REID! REID!" Morgan shouted, but it was too late. Cory had a revolver against Reid's head and with one tiny motion he could kill Reid. "Cory!"

"This got all messed up."

"Don't be stupid."
"SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE WITH HIM! IT WAS HIS RUN, HE RUNS EVERY DAY, NOT HER!" Cory shouted in Reid's ear. He could feel his head pounding from the pain of Cory's yelling directly in his ear. Cory's arm was slowly cutting off his breathing. He felt the gun push into his cheek now, but his head was beginning to fill itself with cotton, hearing going out slightly. He closed his eyes tightly in an attempt to come back to himself. Derek was putting his gun down and they were running out of options. Reid's mind cleared slightly, and he came up with a plan.

"For the evil is man's best force man must become better and eviler!"
"What?"
"That's what it's about, right? Uh, Zarathustra? The superman?" His mind was pounding from effort, but Reid kept pushing. "There's no moral obligation for killing someone if you're superior to them? But Nietzsche was speaking metaphorically about evolving as a species."
Derek spoke up once more, "You're just a horny kid who wanted to get rid of the cheerleader's boyfriend."

"No!"
"Yes."

Reid felt the kid's grip slacken slightly and knew that was his chance. He was distracted and could finally be caught off guard.

"That was never my intent-" Reid brought his arm around suddenly to knock the gun away from his head. Suddenly he felt himself hitting the ground as a third body tackled them. A shot went off and Reid's ears rang from the noise. His head pounded more powerfully than before and he groaned. Propping himself up on his elbows, he watched as Derek punched the kid to subdue him. Reid's left wrist was throbbing, as was his head, and his body felt fairly weak. He reached up with his right hand to tuck his hair behind his ear and began catching his breath. Dazed, he glanced at Derek as the man put a strong hand on his shoulder.

"You alright?" He asked. Reid's ears were still ringing but he managed a reply.

"What happened?"

"Him bringing us down here was way too much of a coincidence."
"No, I got that. Did you have to tackle us both?" He asked, breathing heavily. Derek smirked and replied with "you're welcome, Reid" before pulling Cory up with him, leaving Reid to catch his breath on the ground. He managed to stand and stumble towards the flashing lights, following Derek and Cory. The pain in his head had worsened but his wrist was beginning to numb. That probably wasn't a good thing, but Reid chose to ignore it.

The team gathered, watching Cory being shoved into a police car. The sheriff had a look of disappointment on his face. Soon the team was funneling back into the vehicles, everyone ready to head back to Quantico. After a quick stop at the station to grab their belongings, they were soon on their way to the jet and Reid had settled into a dazed state.

His head continued to pound, and body ached all over. His wrist was no longer numb but throbbing at the same beat his head was. All he wanted was to go to sleep. But he couldn't. he knew the moment he fell asleep the rest of the team would know, because, inevitably, he would end up getting some sort of nightmare. He rested his head against the cool window, hoping it would help his worsening headache.

He must have dozed off (or passed out?) because suddenly the door he was leaning against opened and he was falling into Derek's arms.

"Woah there, pretty boy" he exclaimed, easily catching the kid and helping him get his footing. "Let's get you to the jet, okay?" Reid nodded and Derek pulled the kid's arm up over his shoulder to help walk him to the plane. The other team members were already making their way up the stairs. However, Hotch and Gideon witnessed the kid's exhaustion and exchanged a look. Without a word, the two agents nodded at one another, a silent agreement between themselves. They followed the rest of the team to the plane.

Once they got up the stairs, Derek let go of Reid, hoping he could at least find a seat without any help. Luckily, he plopped himself down in the first open seat he could spot, eyes glazed over. Derek turned around, making eye contact with Gideon. The two nodded at one another and Gideon ended up taking the seat nearest Reid.

The plane took off and most everyone's exhaustion got the best of them. Soon, Reid appeared to be the only one left awake on the jet. His eyes continued to droop, but he was doing his best to study the sight out the window and keep himself up. He longed to fall asleep, to have relief from his pounding head and wrist and aching body, but he couldn't face the nightmares. He was contemplating making himself a cup of coffee when he was startled out of his thoughts.

"Reid" he jumped at the sound of Gideon's voice. His father-figure began to pull out his wallet. A photo was held out to Reid for him to take.

"Deborah Louise Addison. Her husband Tim. The kids are Amber and Keith. Eight and six. In 1985, Deborah Louise was walking home from school. She was abducted. She was 13. We profiled the unsub. And we were able to locate her before he harmed her. She writes a letter to the B. A. U. every year. She updates us on her life." Reid nodded, a small smile on his face while studying the photo.

"It's nice but-"

"We all have bad dreams." Gideon interrupted him. "Everyone on the plane. Who wouldn't? We hunt the worst of humanity we see the depths of depravity, we dream of monsters."
Reid nodded once more, keeping eye contact with his superior. He swallowed and took a deep breath before beginning to speak.

"In my dream there's a baby in the middle of a circle and there's someone on the other side. And I can't get to her before-" Reid trailed off, his voice catching in his throat.

"Every night I look at Deborah helps me to go to sleep thinking of the victims we've saved. We don't always beat the monsters to the babies, but we do enough to make the job worth it keep the nightmares bearable." Gideon finished and Reid attempted to hand him the picture. Gideon shook his head though, clearly wanting him to have it. Reid nodded in thanks and once again turned to look out the window.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, relaxing. It wasn't long before he fell into a deep, clearly very needed slumber.