LOG: Day 1,160
PASSENGERS: 140
AUTHOR: Captain Alex Danvers
The camera clicked on to a stiff Alex Danvers. Her uniform was neatly tied together, the Exodus logo on her onboard armor shinning in the overhead lighting. She'd even traded in her tac pants for something more formal. Her hand was in its natural bionic form, clasped with its mirror, elbows resting on her knees.
The eye-patch was the only thing that took away from her pristine look – the look of someone still settling into the inherent authority associated with a new title. Being Captain of a spaceship hadn't sunk into her personality yet – she still felt like she was wearing someone else's skin.
Her face was the picture of calm. So unmarred that it looked fake. A façade carefully constructed for the purposes of this log – for this message.
"I was appointed Captain of the Exodus II several cycles ago," she started, voice measured. "As part of that position, I have been reviewing the plans and strategies Lyron put in place for our arrival on Earth. This process has been slow, tedious and, often painful. But necessary."
"Lyron was very well organized – he has several different plans for our return to Earth – many even involve monetary contingencies for those who cannot return to their families due to the three-year absence," Alex paused, a single measured breath. "He even started compiling strategic measures for any resistance we may receive, be that from the DEO, Cadmus or any other anti-alien organization."
"As part of this plan, I have started to add further information. I was only aboard the Exodus I in a failed attempt to stop the lift off. Therefore, I have certain information which may be of use. I have attached a dossier on several key members of Cadmus, as well as a kill-order status and other important information. I include these in case I am, for whatever reason, not aboard the ship when we return to Earth."
Alex paused again, one visible eye narrowing as she breathed.
"All members of the Exodus crew will be under my protection until the day we land on Earth. And after that, I will do everything in my power to help them reintegrate. And to the families who have already lost their loved ones stranded aboard this ship, I will do everything in my power to bring you the closure you deserve."
A longer pause, but Alex's eye did not stray.
"Please approach this information with caution – every single member of Cadmus is a threat, not only to alien life, but to anyone who stands against their beliefs. They cannot be reasoned with they cannot be debated. They will not stop until all alien life on Earth is eradicated. Do not underestimate them."
Alex exhaled and sat up straight, eyes still set. "I tried to negotiate with them the day of take-off and it cost every single person on board that ship. I will not make the same mistakes again."
"Darla, that's it."
Lucy loved the city base, don't get her wrong. Ever since J'onn stepped back, it was lovely being to spend four days a week in civilization. The city base was four blocks from their apartment, she could normally take lunch with one of her partners and there was the distinct lack of bats – So. Lucy loved the city base.
What she did not love was when the alarms went off.
Because, in the desert, alarms meant danger, yes. But it also meant danger that wasn't directly in the center of the city. So… less chance of mass casualties.
She was already halfway to the central control when a horrifying thought crashed into her.
Alex was on site.
Jesus fuck. The one day that they ask her girlfriend to do some contract work and the alarm system goes off? The universe had a sense of humor – she'd give it that.
She could only hope that Vas kept her out of the action – they were in the armory, so there was some chance they would have been automatically confined. Her phone was alerting all personnel to the containment – that should have locked most of the thirty-second floor down.
A girl could dream.
Skidding around the corner Lucy came to an absolutely slammed stop.
Okay, maybe the universe didn't have a sense of humor.
Maybe it was a bitter bastard who enjoyed extracting specific and excruciating agony on the world's inhabitants. Just for shits and giggles.
She had her service weapon out and the safety off before her higher functioning processed the decisions.
The sight of Winn with a gun pressed to the side of his head, made her heart just fucking stutter. He looked… terrified. Eye's wide, hands gripping the forearm around his throat, toes slipping as he tried to find purchase against the bionic arm holding him slightly off the ground. And, frankly, if Lucy were him, she'd be terrified too.
Because, honestly? Of all the bad guys they'd faced in the half decade since she joined the DEO, Jeremiah Danvers put the fear of God into her like no other.
It takes a certain kind of evil to commit mass acts of xenophobic terrorism and call it an act of love for his children.
"Move, and I kill him," and Lucy was inclined to believe him. Whatever his plan had been was obviously toast now. While much of the on-duty Agents were likely headed to containment, four remained in central comment. And every single one had their weapons trained on him. Standing between him and any kind of exit. The only thing keeping the man breathing was Winn's presence.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck, fuck.
Lucy knew the worst kind of situation was where the white man with the gun had nothing to lose. He looked manic – his eyes were too wide, pupils too dilated, sight too scattered. He was on the edge – he was seconds away from snapping. Unhinged.
And, as if the situation wasn't fucking horrifyingly bad enough, she heard the sound of steps to her left. Careful, measured, military steps. Lucy didn't have to turn to know who it was – because this was National City and bad things always had to find a way of being worse than you'd originally thought.
The way his eyes lit up at the sight of her had Lucy's gut twisting – he knew she was going to be here. She'd bet that he banked on her being here.
"Dad," Alex's voice was steady even as she inched forward. Dressed in blue jeans and Maggie's flannel, she could not look more out of place in a room full of Agents. Lucy could see that she'd taken Vas' spare piece – she generally wasn't armed these days. Unless you counted the gun tucked behind the counter at the clinic. "What are you doing here?"
No negotiation, no telling him to let Winn go. No wasted words.
"You have something we need," Jeremiah calmed replied, eyes fixing on his eldest daughter.
"Unfortunately, the DEO isn't big on loans," Alex replied, still moving around. Finding her angle. "Especially to anti-alien organizations with a nasty habit of attacking innocent people."
"Innocent aliens," her snapped back, pressing the gun harder against Winn's head. The IT grimaced, eyes locking desperately on Alex as she approached. Lucy, despite the situation, felt her mind note the irony of Jeremiah's statement; he held a gun to a very human man's head – one of the few human Agents in the room.
"I don't particularly see a distinction."
Jeremiah shifted, tugging Winn bodily around so he kept his daughter in his eye line. Kept his daughters' brother between him and a bullet. "Well, Cadmus does."
"And you still do their dirty work."
His eyes narrowed. "You know I have no choice."
"We all have a choice."
Silence. Father and daughter just stared at each other. Alex stopped moving.
Lucy knew she found her angle.
"Do you remember what you said to me?" Alex started; voice steady. "That day you forcibly deported three hundred and forty-three people to the other side of the universe?" her gun never wavered, and she locked steely eyes with her fathers.
Lucy felt her blood run cold.
He shifted. For the first time, the manic look shifted, less confident than before. "Alex-"
"Do you remember?" Some heat in her voice now.
"Yes, but-"
"You told me that you were doing it for me. And Kara. That you were hurting others to protect us," her fingers whitened on the gun, but she otherwise remained steady. "And that it was something I would only understand when I was a parent."
In her peripheral vision she could see agents shifting, adjusting for her position – adjusting for how close she was. Alex could feel Lucy's presence to her right, even though it was impossible for her to have a clear shot around Winn. No one else dared step forward, the tension in the room solely focused on the father daughter stand-off, and the pseudo-brother's life suspended between.
"Alex, I am doing this for you! To protect you! Cadmus… Lillian will-"
"You were right, that day," Alex voice softened, just around the edges. Lucy's stomach dropped. "I didn't know it, not until years later," she paused, as did the tension in the room. Every single person, a dozen guns at the ready, lingered in the second that the Agent breathed. "Not until my kid first called me mom. In that moment, I finally understood what drove you to risking the lives of hundreds of people. And I need you to know, Dad, that I understand."
His expression softened, his mouth twitching, hope relighting in his eyes.
"The lengths a parent will go to protect their kids know no bounds."
His fingers shifted on the gun.
Then she pulled the trigger.
[…]
For whole seconds, Lucy didn't realize that Alex was the one who fired; the violent echo of a Glock had to have come from any one of the dozen agents surrounding the scene. And fuck did she wish she was right - that someone else, anyone else, had taken the shot to end Jeremiah Danvers life.
That the choice between the Danvers sister's surrogate brother and their father hadn't been made by Alex.
But of course, it had. No one else would have been trusted to make the shot. No one else would have been trusted to fire inches from Winn's head. Alex had to have done it. With that realization, the room seemed to slow down. Lucy processed things like she had in the army, when things had gone to hell. Slowly and all at once.
How Winn shrunk away from the man's falling body, stumbling over his own feet as he tried to escape the literal dead weight.
How Alex hadn't been using her alien gun, so instead of the blast quietly liquifying his brain, it exploded out the back of his head, painting the monitors in blood and matter.
How Alex mechanically took apart the service weapon and silently placed it on a nearby desk for evidence.
How the other agents all moved to contain the scene, kicking away Jeremiah's gun and automatically checking for a pulse.
How Vas reached out to try and touch her friend, but she was already moving, not looking at her father but her brother.
Lucy watched, gripping her own gun at her side with white fingers, as Alex put her palm to Winn's face, the unbloodied side. How she gently pressed him into a nearby chair, so that he wasn't facing the scene. Watched her fingers slip into the hair around his ears, like she would do with Lucy or Maggie or Kara, when she had something particularly important to say, to make sure that they heard it. Alex started to talk, leaning down into his space protectively.
Lucy watched Winn's wide terrified eyes slowly fade into something else. Something sick and sorry but when he tried to reach up and grab Alex's wrist, she caught it with her free hand. Even from that distance, Lucy could see that she squeezed reassuringly, still talking quietly to her brother. They were the silent, still center of the otherwise chaotic room.
Lucy forced her eyes away from the suddenly intimate scene. This was her situation to handle, even if she was ethically bound to step back, given Alex's involvement. Agents had already secured the scene, and their CS techs had been summoned from upstairs. Lucy moved around the platform, suddenly wishing she had forgone the heels this morning, coming to Vasquez's side.
"I need you to take point on the investigation," Vas' wide eyes dragged away from the scene in front of them and locked with Lucy's. Taking a visibly deep breath, Lucy watched her 2IC recenter herself and nod. "Just make sure that you pull all the footage and take testimony from everyone. I need this to be open and shut – we cannot let this drag out, you understand?"
"Yeah Luce, of course I do," usually the picture of professionalism, Vas broke eye contact to look back at the scene. "And I don't see there being any issues. Anyone with eyes can see this was clean."
Exhaling through her nose, Lucy was not so optimistic. There was nothing clean about this.
"Do you want me to talk to Alex?" Lucy snapped her eyes open, her breath catching in her throat. "You know she needs give verbal testimony to an agent. Do you want that to be me, or would you-"
"I can't Vas," even if she desperately wanted to. Even if she wanted to hold Alex's hand, and hold her up as she had to relive those last five minutes in vivid detail. She couldn't –her being the supervising Director was a bad enough conflict of interest. "I trust you, okay? Just… can you leave her until last? I want to… I don't know. Get Kara or Maggie. Probably for Schott as well."
"That shouldn't be a problem," the strangled tone of Vasquez had Lucy straightening suddenly, redoubling her grip on her sidearm, still unholstered. Surely nothing else could have happened, nothing more could have been done in the time between the latest horrific disaster and now, nothing- "Danvers appears to have left the building, Ma'am."
"Darla, that's it."
Alex released a sigh, rubbing at her eye the moment the purple light dissipated. She hunched over, just breathing. Just letting the guilt and anger unwind in her chest. She tried to walk through the mindfulness steps Freyer has been teaching her.
Not super effective, but points for effort.
"What is bothering you, Captain?"
Darla's mechanical voice jerked her upright, squinting at the screen. "You don't have to call me that."
"Would you prefer your full title?"
"No! No," Alex shook her head, even though Darla responded almost exclusively to voice commands. "Please don't. You can still just call me Alex."
"You have earned your rank, have you not Captain?"
Alex just grunted, leaning back in her chair and eyeing the screen. "Can you please file this and put it under a clearance wall."
"What level of clearance do you require?"
She clenched her jaw, thinking. Who would she trust? "Access limited to my Second and Third. In the case of our demise, an elected Captain that takes over leadership."
"Done." Alex just sat in silence, still staring at the file she'd personally created. The image of her father staring back down at her. "Would you like to talk about it, Captain?"
"Talk about what?"
"The designation you placed on your father."
"Not much to talk about."
"I have access to the neural readings from your chip Captain, I know that your vital signs are elevated. Something about this decision is bothering you."
Alex rolled her eyes – stupid technologically advanced aliens snooping in her brain function. She paused long enough that the sentient computer tried again.
"Why have you included your father in this folder, Captain Danvers?"
"Because it is the right thing to do," she shot back. Too fast.
"Yet it upsets you."
"Yes."
"Then why do it?"
Groaning, Alex got out of her seat, shoving a hand through her hair and tugging. "Because he's the reason we're on this ship! I can't just ignore that."
"I understand that, sometimes, different rules apply to familial connections."
"Not this time."
"Were you not close with your father?" Alex worked her jaw with a shaky inhale.
"I was." Her thoughts spun away – Nights spent explaining the stars; Morning's soaking wet and shivering, teaching her how to surf; Showing up to science fairs even when her mom said they were too busy; Every dried tear and shared laugh. He was her hero.
"And then I wasn't," and then Kara showed up. And the world tilted on its axis, she became the thing their lives spun around. Protect Kara. Love Kara. Be there for Kara. And she loved her sister – she was her world, her entire universe for so many years. But she lost her father the same night she gained her sister.
"And then he put us all on this ship." And then he chose Cadmus. He chose fear and weakness and he put her, her daughter and over three hundred other aliens on a ship with no way home. No way to survive. And Alex knew, if the decision came down between her and her alien daughter, he would choose wrong each and every time.
"I understand," which Alex doubted. But she appreciated the sentiment. "However, do you not think there is another way?"
Alex eyes dragged back to the designation – vivid red on the screen, just under her father's photo.
It was a photo she'd pulled from her phone. She'd cropped out her 13-year-old self, where she was grinning up at the camera with the delight of someone hanging with their favorite person. Jeremiah looked younger, less lines around his face, less pain in his eyes. He was the same father that tucked her in at night and told her that he would always protect her. The same father that swept her mom into an awkward, giggling waltz in their kitchen on Sunday mornings. The same father that she loved, with all her heart.
The father that died the day the US government knocked on their front door and handed them a folded flag.
"There is no other way." And Alex closed the document, marching out of the room without another word.
But for the rest of the night, even as she lay next to a sleeping, safe Ky, the blood red of her decision blinked behind her eye lids.
[JEREMIAH DANVERS
THREAT LEVEL: ALPHA
RECOMMENDED ACTION: KILL ON SIGHT]
Alex didn't run. That's what she told herself as she exited the elevator onto the main road. She didn't run away. She walked away. With haste.
She knew Lucy would read her the riot act when she got home. She knew that, right now, as she spoke, Lucy would be calling Maggie to fill her in, would be calling Clarke to let him know that Kara needed to come back to National City. Now. Kryptonian research in the fortress be damned.
But she… couldn't stay there for another moment.
The second she had Winn settled. Assured herself that he was safe – shaken up but alive. Breathing. She was walking out of the room. Pressing the down button. Boarding the lift and leaving.
The security guard didn't even look – even as a contractor, she was well known enough at the DEO that no one paid her any mind.
Once in the street, Alex paused. She breathed in the smell of stale hotdogs and car fumes. She listened to the traffic and noted the position of the sun. And paused.
Then, she started walking.
It took her longer then she would admit realizing where she was going.
The looming tower of L-Corp
She had her own access code. She had her own credentials. Technically, she was an L-Crop employee. And Lena spent last Sunday wine drunk on her couch making heart eyes at her baby sister. So, Alex didn't really hesitate about letting herself into the elevator.
Lena was actually in the L-Crop office this week – she'd been collaborating with R&D and Alex all month and finally had to start the paperwork for their patent. So, she was in her new office – Sam had refused to relinquish her view with a smirk – when Alex walked in.
Did she knock? No. She didn't think so. Rude, really. Probably why Lena looked so startled, hand still poised over the contract before her.
"Alex?" It sounded like she was speaking underwater. Distorted, too quiet.
Huh. Shock. Fascinating.
Suddenly, the littlest Luthor was in front of her, eyes more concerned than the public would ever believe her capable of. "Alex, what's happened?"
She opened her mouth, ready to explain.
I killed him. My father. Because of what he and your mother did to me and my family. My daughter. I shot him in the head because Winn was the other option and no more people would die under her watch. She wouldn't (couldn't) bury another one of her friends in the name of Jeremiah Danvers.
But none of that came out.
Nothing did.
Huh. Shock was weird.
"Alex," she wondered how Lena did that. Made her voice so commanding – so clear it cut through the static in her head.
She was sitting. When did that happen? Pressed into what must be an extortionately expensive couch, Lena on the phone in front of her.
Weird time to take a conference call. Considering she just murdered her father.
Her eyes slid away from the CEO, noticing that her own hands were shaking. Almost violently. She was cold? Shock. Yes, right. Probably cold. She was lightheaded too… probably why Lena seemed to materialize in front of her again.
The doctor found herself marvelling at the other women's ability to crouch in heels and a skirt.
"Do you want to talk to Lucy?"
No. No- no she didn't. Couldn't. Lucy would… Lucy saw…
Lena was, thankfully, able to read the answer in her face without words, and just nodded, standing to go back to the call.
Oh. She was talking to Lucy.
That made sense.
Lena might pretend to be an ice-cold businesswoman at work, but she also spent three hours explaining a mechanical engineering problem to her daughter. And she did so dressed in Kara's National City University sweater, sweatpants that went past her feet and hair dragged into a messy as all hell bun.
So, it made sense she called Lucy.
She cared.
Even though she murdered her father.
"Alex," she materialized again. She blinked over at the CEO, who was now sitting next to her, gentle hand on her thigh. "What do you need?"
The other thing Alex liked about Lena. No platitudes – no pleasantries. Cut right to the point.
"A drink."
If that surprised Lena, she didn't show it. This was why her and Lucy were such horrible people to play poker with – too unshakable.
"Are you going to have one?" No judgment, she didn't even raise one of those too perfect fucking eyebrows. What was that about anyway?
"No." Probably not. If, for no reason other than she wasn't sure she could stand right now or hold a drink.
"Where do you want to be?"
Simple question really. Because, Alex knew, she couldn't stay here. Not with shock settling into her bones. Not when the shock bled out of her skin and left her a fractured person.
A murderer.
"Not home."
Cause home was where questions were. Where her daughter would read Lucy's mind (as much as she'd fight it). Where she'd read Maggie concern. Read Alex's pain.
Home is where questions with no answers were.
"Okay then."
Lena was on the phone again, stepping to the other side of the room, phone pressed against her shoulder while she shut down her computer and shoved files into her desk. Alex had never seen her be so haphazard with her meticulous filing system before. Jess would have a stroke.
Oh. Right. Jess was Head of Management now.
Well, someone would have a stroke.
Then there was a firm hand on her arm, and she was being led back the way she came. The lights of the elevator burned behind her eyes when she blinked. Lena hadn't spoken a word, except to greet her driver.
Then the bio-scanner on Lena's penthouse flared. The new light flushed away the previous phantom images.
She was pressed into another extortionately expensive couch. This one had a too soft blanket draped over the back (Kara's doing) and a Supergirl themed cushion tucked into a corner (Lucy's).
Lena was puttering around the apartment behind her, leaving Alex to stare at the line of photos on the fireplace's sill. They'd all been taken in the last three years – taken since she'd been deported.
Kara and Lena, cheeks pressed together, her sister smiling so wide her eyes squinted.
Lucy with her legs toss over Maggie's lap, smirking at something off camera while Maggie saluted her beer at the camera.
Winn, Ky and Lena bent over the table at Thanksgiving last year, plotting something devious and irresponsible.
Alex, Lena and Dryl standing in white coats, lined up on stage. Dryl stiff, eyes narrow. Lena smile this side of smug, holding up their award. Alex mid laugh, head turned to look at her friends rather than the lens.
Something stuttered in Alex's chest – everything starting to come unstuck.
A mug was pressed into her hands, the heat seeping past the clammy chill that was settling over her skin.
"Drink, you're in shock." Which, yes. Alex knew this. But she was the one with the MD.
She still sipped – tea. Just the way she liked it; honey not sugar, too much milk.
When, exactly, Lena Luthor came to be one of her best friends, was a mystery.
When she offered to build her an alien clinic?
Or when she hired a half dozen of her crew for L-Corps R&D?
Or maybe when she started to help Ky with her AP physics and made Kara giggle like before Alex was taken?
Probably though, it was some time during an all-night brainstorming session which dissolved into shared pain. Into conversations about disappointed parents and overshadowing siblings and learning to bury themselves under layers of armor instead of the agony of being seen. Hide behind genius and strength and how hard it was to unlearn those harsh lessons. Trust the women in their lives – that they would love them. Even the dark, ugly things they kept buried, but continued to breath under their skin.
"I killed him."
Lena, curled up in the armchair next to Alex, looked up from her own tea, steam drifting before her face. Her expression was neutral, but her eyes were clear – gentle and sharp.
"Lucy told me."
The sticky ink coating her lungs swelled. The silence stretched on as Alex pressed her hands to either side of the mug, careful not to break it. Careful to keep her bionic controlled. Tried to focus on the different sensations her two hands experienced – the comforting heat on one side, and tingling, artificial response from the other.
"What would you have done?"
Lena blinked, letting the mug rest on her knee. Setting serious eyes on her friend while she considered. "If it were Lillian? The same thing."
But Alex was shaking her head, jaw ticking, eyes clenching shut for another moment. "What would you have done if it were Lex?"
Because Lillian was easy to hate. She'd had Lena arrested as a suspect in her prison break. Tried to force her assist in the mass extermination of all aliens. Fought her position as CEO after her brother's incarceration. Failed to celebrate a single birthday growing up.
Every act of kindness was an act of subterfuge – every moment of motherliness ultimately for the other sibling. So, it was easy to hate Lillian.
Lex. It was hard to hate Lex.
Lex taught her to play chess. Distracted their parents while she stole the fresh cookies. Coaxed her out of a tree when she got too high. Swore to buy her a house in alps to keep them both safe. He remembered every birthday, called every holiday, bought the best scotch and sold the best lies. He was the one that made her feel welcome in a home that was too big and too empty and too cold.
Lena truly hating Lex was just as impossible as Alex truly hating Jeremiah.
Because they were both evil men. Men who did dreadful, atrocious things and claimed it was in the name of good – committed acts of terror in pursuit of… some lost goal. Some lost goal they would burn the world to the ground for.
Would turn the sun red and force his sister to watch people suffer, to spite a man who was born under the wrong stars.
Would build a spaceship and mutilate aliens in the name of protecting his daughters.
But also, men who had protected them, raised them, made them strong. Whose fingerprints were all over their foundations.
Lena tapped a finger against her glass, watching the way the other woman's eyes were regaining focus. The clouds behind her eyes lifting by inches. "I don't know what I'd do." A pause, where Alex's jaw ticked. "I hope I'd have the strength to make the same decision you did."
A snort ripped from Alex's throat. Good hand flexing around the mug. "I murdered my father."
"He deserved it." Which, yes. He did. But knowing it and feeling it were entirely separate matters. "And you had no choice."
Alex's head bowed. She spoke into her mug, forehead pinching. "We all have choices."
"A choice between Winn and Jeremiah is no choice," Lena countered, tone flat but eyes soft. "And you know it."
"Do I?"
"Yes."
Another pause. Alex exhaled long and slow, reaching over to place her mug on the table (on a coaster because shit everything in Lena's house was fuck off expensive). She rubbed roughly at her eyes.
"What do I do now?"
Lena just watched her for a moment, eyeing the curl of her spine, the edges of shock softening. Knowing that what came next was going to be dark and hard and would eat a little further at the cages of her soul.
She thought about what she would need – if it were Lex. When it was Jack.
Thought about Kara, still reeling from the loss of Alex, coming to her office and letting her be empty and angry and sad. Thought about the store-bought flowers, and the soft hug and how even though she was shattered into a million pieces, it ended up being okay.
"Now," she placed her mug on the armrest of the sofa, leaning forward so she could catch her friends' eye. "You let the people who love you look after you."
Maggie had never been more grateful for her Triumph than today. Which is saying something. But (illegally) lane splitting through afternoon traffic is the only reason she didn't combust on the way to Lena's.
"Hey Maggie. It's Lena. I don't know if you've spoken to Lucy– oh, alright. Well, Alex is at my place, and I think you should come over."
And then the CEO refused to provide further information over the phone.
But Lucy and Alex had been suspiciously offline since lunch. Lucy never got back to her about the liaison meeting they'd set up for next week and Alex didn't let her know what she wanted for dinner. And they'd both failed to acknowledge her slightly inappropriate comment about a Ky-free-night, while she slept over at Ruby's.
So, suspicious.
But she'd known Alex was doing DEO contract work today, and she had a habit of getting caught up in research. Plus, it had been a while since she and Vas got to catch up. And Lucy was always a wildcard about non-work communication while at work. So, Maggie hadn't worried.
Until Lena called.
Which is why she parked her precious bike on the street, rather than wasting time with Lena buzzing her into the underground. Which is why she flashed her badge at the doorman, rather than wait for him to find her name on the visitors list. Which is why she used her spare key, rather than knock.
Plus – if Alex was upset, noise could be a trigger.
The vice around her chest loosened, just a little, at the sight of Alex curled up against the arm of the two-seater. She had a mug in her hands, and a blanket tucked around her. If Maggie had to guess, it looked like she was wearing Kara's spare jumper. She was holding the beverage under her nose, the steam catching in the pulled-up hood.
At the sound of her placing her helmet on the side table, she looked up and over. She should have heard her come in.
Exhaling slowly, Maggie shucked her riding jacket, keeping her eyes on her partners slightly glazed look. She was blinking too slow, too precise.
"Alex," she kept her voice loud enough to carry, but whisper soft. Just in case. "Babe, what happened?"
But Alex didn't respond. Instead her eyes sank back to her tea, shoulders gathering tension like a storm.
Maggie moved to the couch, bracing one foot on the floor she sat sideways, close enough that her other knee was pressed against Alex's blanket covered legs. But she didn't reach over. Not yet. "Alex, are you okay?"
Which was a stupid question – because she wasn't okay. She looked… dazed? Eyes a little too empty, reactions a little too slow. The pulled hood spoke of her trying to soften the sounds of the world, but the ability to hold a mug without it shattering likely ruled out a panic attack.
But she wasn't okay. And she didn't seem able to answer her question.
"Are you hurt?" Basics first. Not that she thought Lena would let Alex sit here if she were hurt, but she was at a loss.
Alex shook her head, closing her eyes.
"Did something happen at the DEO?"
A pause, then a tiny nod, her eyes remaining closed.
"Is Lucy okay? Kara?"
A nod, this more certain. Alex actually looked up to meet her eyes – an assurance that their family was safe. At least physically.
"Winn?"
Another pause. Alex's jaw worked, teeth grinding as she looked down and shut her eyes again.
Maggie felt her heart lurch but refused to jump to conclusions. If Winn was seriously hurt, then the DEO was the best place for him to be. And she would have heard about a serious alien attack as the liaison.
She reached out, touching fingertips to Alex's covered thigh. "Al, is Winn okay?"
"Winn is fine, Detective," Lena's voice from her right had her jerking her hand away from Alex. She held out another steaming mug. "Thank you for coming."
Frowning, Maggie palmed the warmth of the cup, watching as Lena made her way back to where another mug had been abandoned. Looking down, she found her favorite – Green tea, probably with a touch of honey.
"What's going on, Little Luthor?" She asked, glancing between the pair. Because Alex was clearly upset, and Lucy had yet to get back to her text and the room felt… shadowed.
But Lena looked at Alex with a tilted head, seemingly giving her the opportunity to explain. Even when speech felt impossible – like the words were too heavy to pull from her mouth. Like the weight of what she'd done was crowding her chest - filling her with cement.
Alex blinked, once, twice, a third time, and placed her mug on her knee. She couldn't meet Maggie's eyes though.
"Jeremiah broke into the DEO," she started in monotone but for the shake. "He threatened Winn." Another pause where Maggie placed her mug to the side, hands itching to touch her visibly trembling partner. "He… He had a gun to his head. And that look in his eye, you know? Where you know it's not a bluff – when they have nothing to lose."
And Maggie did know the look – she'd seen it dozens of times at work. It was the look that set fear into your heart– where your next choice was between you or the perp becoming a murderer.
Maggie's heart burned with the sudden, horrific knowledge of where this was going.
Alex's knuckles went white around the mug.
"So, I," she looked off to the side – away from the people in the room – and Maggie could see how hard her jaw was clenching, how red her good eye was. "I tried to find an angle that would incapacitate him. Find that spot where I could… where Winn would be okay, and he would… he would live. But-"
Her chin dipped, eyes squeezing closed as her voice shuddered. Her breathing shuddered. "I couldn't find it."
The breath that left her was half sob, and Maggie found herself taking the clenched mug from her hands – before she shattered it, human hand or no – and leaning closer. Found her heart slamming hard enough to pound in her ears.
But she still heard the next stuttered, broken words.
"So I… I- I," her forehead pinched hard, jaw working as she tried to force words out. Force the awful rotten truth from her lips. Her chin dropped to her chest as tears slid free from squeezed eyes. "I took the shot."
The final broken whisper cracked whatever calm, whatever shock, lingered in Alex, because then she was crumbling. Hand coming up to press against her eyes – press away the images of her father-Winn-the blood – a single, wrecked, sob dragged from her chest.
Then soft, sure hands were on her. Pulling her around and against – until Alex was pressing Maggie into the back of the couch. Tucked against her chest, one hand in her hair as the sobs quickly grew out of her control. So, every heaved breath, ever strangled cry, was dragged from her, raw and violent, but in the safety of her partners arms.
She didn't try to say anything, didn't use empty words and platitudes – just let the agony burn through her partner for as long as it needed. Pressing her face against the top of her head, she held tighter when another gasp of air chocked out of her.
The shuddering, trembling girl in her arms dissolved, and Maggie just held on, heart breaking along with her. Mind spinning – mind caught. Turning her head, pressing a cheek to the soft hair instead, she looked over at Lena, who was watching on.
The detective noted the shades of guilt and pain but tucked that away for later. Instead, she just shared a look with their friend, who had summoned her here because Alex wouldn't – not for this. Not for something that would eat away at her sense of worth – would fracture some of the work they'd done on her self-image.
The work they'd done since Alex came home with new scars and new pain and whispered broken words –
"You were scared and alone and in pain and you had to do whatever you did to survive, Alex."
"Isn't that how monsters are made?"
So, Maggie knew Lena was the reason she was here – that Alex would have punished herself with isolation. Which is why, even as she quaked in her arms, Maggie locked eyes with the other woman and mouthed thank you.
Lena nodded, smiling back sadly. Watching the couple. Watching Maggie hold her friend together even as she came undone at the seams.
"She's here Lucy – She's safe, I promise. I'll look after her."
She's safe. She's safe. She's safe.
No matter how many times she repeated it in her head, nothing made Lucy feel calm. Or settled. Or in the realm of okay.
But outwardly, she had to be all of those things. Because even though she wasn't running the investigation, she was still responsible for it being done properly – even if that involved fugding the details later because Alex just left.
Alex left.
Fuck – she was not okay.
But Winn was even less okay. He had yet to stop trembling, sitting as small as can be in the med bay.
So, she sat quietly next to him, not acknowledging how tight his grip on her hand was. Instead, she ran her thumb over his knuckles every few seconds, counting her breaths.
"Lois – no. Just… Lois! For... Shut up! I need to talk to Wonder- to Clark."
She carefully flexed and clenched her free hand, glancing at her phone for the millionth, useless, time. Mind whirling – around and around and around.
The sound of the Glock still echoed. Almost like it never stopped.
"Clark – Yes, I know she's at the fortress… I don't care how important it is! She needs to come home. Now."
She reached 100 breaths again, so she started her count backwards. Measured, careful.
She swiped her thumb over Winn's hand again.
The wet thump of Jeremiah's body.
Her phone buzzed.
Vasquez (14:28): Incoming.
She exhaled slowly – trying to do some of the mental exercises the DEO therapist kept re-explaining. Like a slowly deflating balloon- and not like you stabbed the thing!
"Winn?" Kara's voice was this side of sharp. Panic was clear as day in her expression, if the dent her landing left wasn't indication enough. She didn't even walk up the stairs, just flew directly up to the med bay. "Hey, what happened?" She stepped into the room, pressing a palm to Winn's pale face. She glanced at Lucy. "Clark just told me to head straight over?"
"Kara," Lucy spoke with calm that she did not possess, sliding off the bed. She squeezed Winn's hand once before untangling their fingers. "Come on, sit."
The Kryptonian didn't even question it, just taking Lucy's place, and Winn's hand. Anxious eyes flicking between them.
She'd hoped that James would beat Kara here – hoped to avoid a choice between leaving Winn alone and telling Kara what happened in front of him. Because there was no way a Danvers let this kind of unanswered question hang.
"Guys, you're scaring me," she looked up at Lucy with wide, innocent eyes. The Director swallowed hard, crossing her arms as she looked at the floor. Fuck.
"Luce," she jerked her head up at the sound of Winn's voice. "It's okay," which, it didn't sound okay, but he was obviously trying to put a brave face on. "You can tell her."
"Winn…" She eyed him, noting how curled his posture was. How white his knuckles were around the edge of the bed – around Kara's fingers. "You don't have to-"
"No," he shook his head, jaw setting. "Please?"
She took a shuddering breath and nodded. Trusting him.
She stepped up to Kara, right into her space. "Kara," she reached up and palmed her cheek, dipping her head to make sure their eyes were locked. "I need you to know that Alex is okay – she's with Maggie and Lena and they're going to take care of her until we get there."
The Crinkle™ formed, eyes anxious, but she nodded. She trusted Lucy – trusted her sisters and Lena to look out for Alex.
All the formats of death notifications slammed through Lucy's mind – the rules and recommendations flooding her. Making her hesitate. Making her chest burn.
"Jeremiah tried to infiltrate the DEO-"
"What?" She hissed, standing so fast that Lucy had to take a hard step back. Her head twisted – as if looking for him.
"Kara," she stepped closer, hand finding her shoulder, squeezing to get her attention back. "Things escalated quickly, and Winn was put in the cross hairs."
Her eyes widened further, but she stayed in Lucy's grasp. A tremble started in her shoulders.
"Alex was forced to engage, and Jeremiah was shot. He's dead, Kara," she hated it. The harsh way that you had to do these things – the bluntness of notifications.
She hated that she didn't even feel sorry that he was dead – that she couldn't give her sister her condolences because she was glad the fucker was gone. All she was sorry about, truly, was that Alex and Kara were going to be hurt by this.
Alex was going to be broken by this.
Kara went stock still, eyes locked with Lucy's. "He's dead?"
She nodded, squeezing her arm again. Watching closely- carefully.
"Alex killed him?"
Her jaw ticked, but she nodded again.
A longer pause – Kara finally closing her eyes, bowing her head just a little. Her hands clenched and unclenched while she worked through the first, clashing, colliding, emotions in her chest.
When she opened her eyes, they were wet and burning. She turned to Winn, but stayed under Lucy's hand, wanting (needing) the connection. "Were you hurt? Are you okay?"
And in a typical Winn fashion, he nodded and shrugged and false smiled in one awkward go – because he wasn't fine. He wasn't okay. But he was alive, and Alex had saved him, and had stopped to make sure that he was okay and make sure he knew this isn't on you, okay, Winn? This is on me and him. You're my brother and I love you and I'm so sorry you were put in the middle but you're safe. And that's what matters most.
"Okay, okay," Kara nodded, turning back to Lucy rubbing at an eye with her cardigan sleeve. She exhaled through her nose before looking at her sister. "What do I do? Should I go see Alex? Or does she need less people? Or, god, I shouldn't leave you, right? Cause you were here, and you saw… but-" her breath rushed out of her, eyes taking on a new kind of panic. "Oh Rao, Eliza. What… what do we tell her? The truth? She'll… Alex… She'll be devastated. She'll… oh no, who is going to tell her? I should right? Like when Alex disappeared? I mean… I- I…"
"Kara," Lucy stepped in again, catching a gesticulating hand carefully. Tugging until Kara followed, letting her wrap both hands around it, pressing all three to her chest until the Kryptonian focused on her. Felt her heartbeat and locked with her eyes. "You don't have to worry about that right now, okay?" She ducked her head, making sure that her sister was paying attention. "Right now, you get to just be upset and worried and when Maggie gets back to me about Alex's state, we are going to head straight over, okay? I'll look after everything – you're allowed to feel whatever you feel."
Shaking a breath, Kara bit her lip. Eyes welling further. "What am I supposed to feel right now though?"
Lucy actually glanced at Winn, unsure how to even approach that question. But he looked just as uncertain as her, eyes equally wet as he watched his friends. "Anything you want Kara."
For a moment, they all let that sit. Felling what they felt.
"What if," the Superhero started – looking as not-superhero like as she ever had. "What if I feel sad?"
Taking a hand away from Kara's at her chest, she reached up and tucked some perfect blonde curls behind an ear, softening her eyes and lips as she looked up at the other woman. "You're allowed to feel sad he's gone, sweetie." Which was definitely stealing Maggie's pet name, but if there was ever a time.
"Okay," Kara nodded, a tear tracking along her nose. "Well, I feel sad then. And angry, I think. Confused. And…" her face finally cracked, teeth pressing together as she hopelessly fought the tears. "And I think I'm sad Lucy?"
And then the Director had an armful of Danvers Sister – Kara pressing her face into the crock of her neck as she shook and cried and silently raged against the horrors that her family kept being subjected to.
It was fortunate that both Danvers sisters had people to hold them up, even- especially when the world was crumbling around them.
Eventually, everything wound down. Alex was given another day before she had to come into the DEO and complete her interview, Lucy was sent home by an insistent Vas, Kara in tow. Lena lent Maggie her driver so that they could sit in the backseat together, Alex's head on her shoulder while they got home.
She's been mostly speechless since her tears dried up. Body heavy with tension, but too emotionally exhausted to express anything more.
Which is why she took the single seater to herself, letting Kara get sandwiched by her partners. Her skin was still buzzing, static under her skin – she didn't think touch was what she needed right now. At least, not yet.
They'd turned on the TV but kept it low enough that it was essentially background noise – something to keep the silence at bay. But the knock at the door still made Alex flinch.
"I'll get it," Maggie murmured, pressing her lips to the side of Kara's shoulder before walking to the door. Alex tracked her with tense eyes – the door opening had made her spine stiffen. "Hey, what are you guys doing here?"
And then Maggie was stepping to the side, letting whoever it was in. Ella was the first through the door – ignoring literally everyone in the room and beelining for Alex. She palmed her friend's cheek, uncharacteristically serious expression tracking the still red eye, the clammy skin, the tight jaw. Scratching at the skin by her ear, she gave her friend a fraction of a smile.
"We heard what happened," Drew's gruff voice from the doorway, still standing with Maggie, pretending to be polite and not just barge in.
"Lincoln?" Lucy asked, still not moving from Kara.
"You think that guy knows how to break protocol?"
"Who then?" Because no other Exodus crew had been in central command today – there'd been a big mission the previous afternoon and most of them had been on it…. Which further explains the timing of Jeremiah's attack, the Director suddenly realized. Cadmus had stacked the deck - removed aliens most likely to kill on sight, and (assumed) Alex's presence would buy them some liberty. The though set rage burning in her veins.
"Vasquez texted me," Drew shrugged, stepping further into the room and crossing their arms, standing awkwardly before everyone.
"Course she did," Lucy muttered, rubbing at an eye with her wrist. "I'm going to pretend you didn't tell me that."
Drew dragged half a smile. "Whatever you say boss."
EL, meanwhile, had shifted, sitting on the arm of the chair, hand planted right behind Alex's head on the cushion.
It looked almost protective.
"What are you guys doing here?" Alex's voice was sandpaper, too quiet and too rough. El's hand contracted around the cushion, sharing a look with Lucy across the room. Sharing the fury that burned in their chest. "I'm not really up for talking."
"We know," El replied, running a thumb over the short hair at the back of Alex's head, eyes softening.
"Official business unfortunately," Drew's arms flexed, their expression darkened.
"Official?" Maggie asked, tapping the side of Drews arm with the beer she'd grabbed from the fridge. That off-brand stuff that the Exodus aliens tended to prefer – reminded them of the ale they'd been stuck with on board. She didn't return to her seat, but she did make her way to stand between the occupied couches. "Everything okay?"
Drew's jaw ticked, fingers drumming against the bottle while they thought.
"Drew?" Alex's voice regained a little volume but was still harsh. "Just spit it out, okay?"
They exhaled, looking over at their Captain. "The wergild* ratifications have started to come through."
Alex exhaled a shaky breath, closing her eyes against the information.
"Wergild ratifications?" Lucy, leaning a little closer to the conversation, but not taking her hand from Kara's thigh. Kara, who had grown instantly stiff with the phrase.
Drew glanced their boss, and then their Captain, torn.
But it was Alex who answered, locking eyes with her Second. "Blood debts." She explained, dropping her legs to the floor and leaning elbows on them. She rubbed her face hard as she tried to work through the new and horrible emotions that came up from this conversation.
"The practice of mansbot," Kara explained, noting that no other off-worlder wanted to explain what was happening to the humans in the room. She watched Alex's expression fracture as she spoke, feeling her heart join her. "Basically, putting value on the life or suffering of someone, which has to be paid with death."
"So, killing Jeremiah…" Lucy began, squeezing Kara's leg.
"Killing Jeremiah Danvers paid off a significant portion of the blood debts owed by the Danvers Clan."
Alex ran a harsh hand through her hair, still staring at the floor – unable to process this information being shared. Even though she knew. Even though she should have expected this.
But with everything else – with the shock… it just hadn't occurred to her.
Even though this debt had haunted the back of her mind for… six years? Seven? Since it was explained to her by a gruff, disinterested Lyron. Since it had been shouted at her while a crew member was dragged off her, raving and screaming about taking his payment now – taking what was owed to him for the death of his wife upon entrance in Takron-Galtos – Alex's blood smeared across his knuckles.
"Who's left?" She asked the floor, unable to look anyone in the eye. Unable to confront the reality of the debt murdering her father paid off.
"I expect we'll continue to receive ratifications over the next week or so as the news spreads," Drew bit in the inside of their lip as they said it. "But, culturally speaking, there are only a handful outstanding."
"Drew?" Alex asked, finally looking up – the sentence finishing silently. Just spit it out.
"Circadians reframed wergild generations ago – they'll still hold you to the personal actualization standard which… you still haven't met yet, apparently. Even though Naltorians cleared the same debt standard years ago," Drew frowned, as far as they would go in judging that decision on the Circadian's behalf. "Orthodox Valeronians and won't accept anything but your blood – but, honestly, Fartex's family won't take action."
Alex exhaled, working her jaw as she categorized that – stored that information. She could process it properly later – her bandwidth was already spent.
"What about the Gaesend family?"
Drew glanced at El, who shifted, just slightly. "They got back to us."
Alex frowned, sitting up a little. "What is it?"
"Ah… about that."
And then El stabbed her.
Or that's what it felt like.
One second, El was shifting her body weight, the next blinding pain shot down her good shoulder – traveling until it gathered in her heart. It was on fire, her pain dunk mind told her. She pressed a hand to her chest – trying to contain the radiating, burning pain. So shocking, overwhelming, she couldn't hear beyond the rushing, pounding in her ears – drowning out the panicked voices of her family while she stumbled to her feet – away from the 'perpetrator'.
"What the fuck El?" She wheezed, feeling the pain already draining away. Dripping from her heart and into her chest cavity until it started to dissipate.
"Sorry, sorry! I'm so sorry, Al!" El's eyes were wide, hands up in surrender from the standing Lucy, Maggie and Kara who looked set to respond – unsure how but respond regardless. It was only the year and half plus of seeing Ella's love for Alex that kept their hands from firearms (and Kara's eyes from lasers).
Alex rubbed at her shoulder, even though the pain was already faded – just the shadow of ashes in her heart. "What the hell was that?" She muttered, looking between the guilty crew.
"The Gaesend's sent it," Drew explained, wincing. "It nullifies the mark you stupidly let them place."
"Okay, and you stabbed me instead of, I don't know, giving it to me, because?"
El, now sure that no one would shoot her, tossed the stamp at Alex. "We weren't completely sure you'd take it willingly."
"Are you serious?"
"You do have a self-sacrificing streak Cap," Drew agreed. "Thought this was the safer plan."
Alex glanced between the pair; eyes incredulous. "You're both fired."
El glanced at Lucy, then Drew, then back at Alex. "You don't employ us?"
"I don't care," Alex muttered, finally dropping her hand from her shoulder, dropped her head against the wall. "You're fired. Effective immediately."
"Okay…?" Ella shared a look with Lucy, who had a ghost of a smile on her lips.
Drew rocked on their heels, glancing around the room. "Want us to leave ya be, Cap?" Because they'd found their balance, mostly – the equilibrium between Alex's families. And this, Jeremiah Danvers, was solidly Earth Family territory.
There was a long pause, where Alex just stared at the ceiling.
Eventually, she sighed, dropping her head forward to look in El's direction – keeping her gaze to her right, not quite able to make eye contact. Not quite able to submit herself to that kind of vulnerability. "Could you… would you stay? Just for a little while."
"Course," Drew answered. But El was already moving, wrapping her arms around her friend before she even had the chance to protest.
And it was there, surrounded by a blend of her worlds, in the aftermath of her worst day, that Alex finally came undone. Felt everything well in her chest and drip away. With Els' arms around her, one hand on the back of her head, the other notched between her shoulder blades. With Maggie and Drew's soft eyes on them, and Lucy tugging Kara back to the couch with her. That's where Alex just… let herself be.
Let herself accept that she did have a choice.
And she chose her found family.
And that was okay.