So, instead of being the responsible adult I should be and write my 1,000 word essay that is due tomorrow about Criminal and Civil Law, with their comparisons and differences, I accidentally got on Tumblr and found this old prompt that I liked. You can guess what I did next. Spoiler Alert: I am not a responsible adult. So here you go, have almost 2,000 words of procrastination.
Also, I am writing another fiction where I focus on how Tony could have had an Italian accent and what that might look like with the team if anyone is interested.
Here is the link to the Tumblr post that started this all: post/186921648950/as-out-of-character-as-it-is-i-want-a-ficlet-where Shout out to everyone who contributed to this without realizing that they did, they were all such funny ideas that I had to put them all in.
Tony was of the opinion that what happened with Ultron and the following events needed to be moved past and forgotten. Pronto. Stat. In a hurried affair. Whatever language meant "fast".
After working tirelessly with the local governments of Sokovia and Johannesburg to clean up the damage and offer financial aid where needed, he and the team were beat and finally headed home.
Tony, however, was even more tired of all the looks his teammates would give him, and the sly remarks he would constantly hear such as, "You should of told us, Tony" or "If you had let us know, we could have helped stop this from happening in the first place". He had enough of all that from the beginning. He highly doubted that any single one of them would have realized that the otherworldly intelligence they had found would somehow come to the faulty realization that the Earth could only be saved if all of humanity was wiped out. If Tony, or hey even Bruce, couldn't have foreseen that, no one could. And not to mention that the stupid thing wasn't even anywhere close to becoming a workable solution to his project. Tony just happened to have everything the AI needed to evolve.
What was the point of being the smartest in the room if everyone was just going to second guess every move you make?
"I believe, sir, the point is so that you can constantly remind everyone around of the fact that you are, in fact, the smartest in the room" came JARVIS through the speakers of the workshop.
It also appears that Tony has been talking out loud for some time without realizing.
"That would be correct, sir."
Damn. He really needed to learn to stop doing that. Bad habits and all that. Surely Pepper would know what to do. She always knows.
Which brings him back to the fact that the callous remarks from his teammates always seem to drive him up the metaphorical wall, one patronizing comment at a time. Tony had no idea what he was thinking with bringing the team back into the compound after the whole mess. Fury must have spiked his drink with something. Must have, it was the only plausible explanation.
And then he had an epiphany.
It started like this, a simple trial run to make sure that Tony's idea would work. Of course, any good scientist would always have a partner for accountability, and why not Bruce, who's his science buddy and who also receives these types of comments, but not as many as Tony seems to accrue. Together, they would enact their own type of revenge.
Whenever anyone was around, he would deliberately look at the person in proximity and tell them exactly what he was doing, while going out of his way to be obnoxious about it. For instance, Tony was making coffee after a long session down in the workshop working on new upgrades for the team's armor.
Steve and Natasha were sitting at the kitchen island, and who always seemed to be up way before the crack of dawn like a couple of deranged people. And they just had to push that particular brand of torture onto the rest of the team for what Steve liked to call "Team Bonding exercises" and what Tony suspected Natasha to call "New Interrogation Tactics".
Therefore, the team was up by the time Tony walked into the kitchen to make his coffee. He grabbed his mug off the shelf and looked over at the team, saying with the most deadpan of looks, "I am going to be making my coffee now. Just in case you needed to know." He even gasped for dramatic effect. "And I will be drinking it as well."
All eyes in the room swiveled to him in varying expressions of confusion and suspicion. Ever the leader, Steve decided to be the one to broach the topic, "Okay… what do you mean, Tony? I am not sure why we would need to know that." And ever the philanthropist, Tony replied, "Just in case anything world-ending or devastating happens, you can all rest assured that I cleared it with you before it happened."
It seemed that the sarcasm flew over most of the heads in the room, and Tony will be lenient this time and allow for the early morning hour to excuse the incomprehension. One look from Brucie Bear though told him that he had not missed the comment, judging by the small grin he was trying to hide behind his own cup of coffee.
Despite the majority of the team not understanding what was going on, Tony would count this small trial a success, and decided to move onto Phase Two.
Incidents like these continued to occur no matter the time of day, just as Tony liked.
At Team Bonding Exercise: Movie Night that was scheduled for every Tuesday at 7 (yes, there was a Very Organized schedule that Steve drew up that everyone would have to abide by or suffer the wrath of Disappointed Steve Face (and yes there was a name for that too)), Tony loudly announced that he was going to sit down in his chair and eat some popcorn. It seemed that some people were starting to connect the dots about this new weird behavior from him.
Rhodey happened to be visiting at the time and who had immediately caught onto the ongoing joke when he first heard it. From his spot on the couch next to Tony he wore a broad grin and failing to cover up his snickers behind his hand. Bless that man.
The ever loved and amazing Bruce cut in. He was seriously going to buy that man a whole laboratory if he even thought about wanting one. Or maybe a large case of that tea he always seems to drink. "Wait, Tony, let's talk about this. What would happen if you sat down in the chair that you have always sat in since you bought it? Wouldn't something incredibly terrible happen if you sat down again, even though you have done this before?" He even finished it off with wild hand movements and then rested his hand against his heart like an older woman clutching at her pearls.
Natasha seemed to have fully caught on by now to what was happening but judging by her exasperated sigh she wasn't going to be doing anything about it, which suited Tony just fine. Like last time the rest of the team didn't seem to catch onto exactly what Bruce and he were doing, which meant that they must continue
The joke continued until Tony would constantly state what he was doing at any time of the day for anyone in the near vicinity.
One time he went to the bathroom, he asked loud enough so that the people through the door could hear if it would be okay if he could wipe up after he was done, and in the most iconic way possible Bruce shouted back, "Wait, Tony, that's important enough for a city hall debate!"
Of course, the team were not such idiots that they had not completely caught onto what was happening. Groans could be heard from across the room whenever Tony would bring something up.
Another memorable occasion was before another Team Bonding workout Tony came up and said, "Hey, I am so sorry about this, but I forgot to tell you that I put toothpaste on my toothbrush this morning. But I wanted to assure you that I didn't start World War III because of the toothpaste. So as long as we are good, right?" And quick to banter at any opportunity, Bruce replies, "Hey wait a minute, Tony. You put what on your toothbrush? Unsupervised?! Your minty fresh breath could have destroyed the world, you fool!"
Obviously, Tony wasn't a total drama queen for nothing because he immediately drops to his knees in the stereotypical praying position and looks up at Bruce with fake tears in his eyes. "I cannot apologize enough, my dear friend, for almost dooming us all! I thought it would be okay since it was just simple toothpaste!"
Coincidentally, it happened to be Steve's birthday. And he just looked over at him and Bruce with the most serious look on his face and asked, "Seriously? On my birthday?"
"Wait," Tony said. "Bruce! Give me permission to passive aggressively apologize, it's a matter of life and death!" The following look on Steve's face could kill, radiating "You're Right it's Life and Death Because I'm Going to Kill You Myself" energy.
Totally worth it though.
The crowning moment of the entire debacle was when Tony loudly announced that he was going to modify the toaster so that it can shoot out toasty goodness in half the time. The team seemed to find this idea completely acceptable and immediately okayed it.
Tony set to work on making the most mischievous toaster on the planet, while also making it the best one to ever exist, closely aided by Bruce and his secretly prankster disposition. So, when the team attempted to have their morning toast using the new toaster, they were startled to find that while the toast was divine, they couldn't seem to get to it for the toaster simply kept running away.
They loudly complained that Tony's creation was faulty and that if he had just asked for some help they would have offered. But the only reply they received from him was silence as he made a certain hand gesture at the toaster, which immediately came scurrying over to him, neatly depositing perfect toast onto his plate.
They could only gape as it even seemed to purr when it did the same for Bruce. With smug looks on their faces, Tony and Bruce high-fived.
Mission: Make Them Eat Their Words was a success.