I love this ep so much UGHHHHHH, the first time I watched it I remember being so surprised when they reviled that the unsub had DID like Hankel did. However, I really wanted some more angst than what they gave me at the end of the ep. Like Reid rly just had a bunch of Hankel flashbacks and wasn't able to save Adam, was very clearly upset, and they just said 'let's give him a small talk with Morgan, that's probably fine' LIKE NOOOOO bitch I need more. So here we are…

S4 E20

When they finally got Amanda into custody, Reid felt awful. Sure, they'd caught the unsub and saved the girl, but was it really a win? They'd lost Adam. All because he was too slow.

He should've recognized the signs; they were staring him directly in the eyes and he was too dumb to see them. He'd seen it before, up close and personal. He'd seen the switching between personalities, he knew the symptoms.

But Reid hadn't been good enough.

He'd lost Adam, just like he'd lost Tobias.

While everyone was distracted by the chaos, Reid slipped out of his Kevlar and escaped to the roof of the hotel. He couldn't stand to be around anyone right now. He hated himself, he hated that he had once again not been good enough to save someone from their DID. All he wanted to do was help people, but he seemed to do more harm than good.

Reid stared out into the harbor, pushing down the tears that threatened to spill over. He knew he didn't have a lot of time. The team would load up to leave soon, and eventually someone would notice his absence if he stayed gone for too long.

But still. He needed the moment of quiet to process. To hide his shame before he faced the team.

When Reid heard the door to the roof squeak open, he didn't turn around. He knew it was one of his team members, and he just didn't think he could face anyone right now. He needed a few more minutes.

"It's time to go, kid."

It was Morgan. Of course, it was Morgan. He was always the first to notice when he was missing, when he had snuck off to hide. He stared straight ahead, not trusting his voice but not wanting to face the other man either.

"Reid."

He glanced around the harbor, watching life go by. But still, he felt a pang of guilt in his heart for Adam. He clenched his jaw, begging Morgan to leave him alone.

"What's eatin' you man?"

Reid sighed. He wasn't going to get out of this one. He opened his mouth, but it took a few tries before any sound came out.

"We've, uh, taken the victim into custody and… let the abuser go free, I don't really…" he stopped as a lump began to form in his throat, "I don't see that as much of a win" he finished quietly.

After a pause, Derek spoke again, "a lot of lives are gunna be saved now that Amanda's off the streets. You know that."

Reid nodded, still facing away from the other man. "Yeah, I just…" he tried to put his feeling into words, pausing for too long, "I wish I could've noticed the signs in time to save Adam." His voice broke at the end of his sentence and he felt tears rush to his eyes again as a wave of shame rolled through his body. He looked down, swallowing the lump in his throat again.

"Come on, don't do that to yourself. None of us could have noticed. Our profile was right, we just never considered that the team dynamic would be locked inside one person's mind."

"I should've."

Reid sniffed, staring at the ground. He should have seen the signs. Derek didn't say anything for a moment, but Reid heard his feet moving closer to him.

The man didn't try to turn him around, or touch him in any capacity, rather he just said; "Talk to me."

When he didn't move, Morgan tried again. "What is this?"
Finally, Reid turned, facing Derek even though his head was still lowered in shame. It took him a few seconds to get up the courage to speak, but he eventually did; "Tobias Hankel."

Derek's face flashed with anger at the mention of the name, "Tobias Hankel drugged and tortured you for two days. He almost killed you."
"No." Reid shook his head, "He didn't, the alter persona of his father did those things to me. The real Tobias Hankel saved my life. Brought me back from the dead."

Morgan took off his glasses, looking seriously at Reid, "and you think somehow because of Tobias you owe Adam?"

Reid struggled to find the words to explain his feelings. "I just… I know that he's still locked in there somewhere." Reid turned away from Morgan again, looking out into the harbor once more. If he pushed any harder, Reid might have a full breakdown on the roof. He hoped Morgan would just leave him be.

"Kid." Reid turned his head slowly to face Morgan once more, "You're gunna have to accept the fact that sometimes we can't save everyone."

Reid's eyes drifted downwards at this. He knew Morgan was right, but he just wasn't sure he could let this one go. Especially when it was on him that he didn't see the signs sooner.

He felt a tear drip down his cheek and he quickly reached up to wipe it away, whipping his head back towards the harbor in the hopes that Morgan hadn't noticed. That he'd just walk away.

But of course, that wasn't the case.

Hands gripped his arms, quickly turning him around and pulling him into a tight hug before he could fully process what was happening.

After his initial shock, Reid slowly relaxed into the hug. He returned it, bringing arms up to grip Derek's back like a lifeline as he slowly let tears fall.

They stood there, still, for a few minutes. Besides an occasional sniff, they were silent, Derek allowing Reid the chance to let go of his emotions. He felt bad about the wet spot he would surely leave on Derek's shoulder, but Reid couldn't stop himself.

He'd felt so overwhelmed and angry at himself, and even though he hadn't let go of all the guilt, he did feel a little bit better in Derek's embrace.

When they eventually separated, Reid brought a hand up to his face, scrubbing any extra tears off his cheeks.

Morgan kept his hands on his shoulders, watching as he rubbed his face.

"Sorry"

"We all have our moments, kid. It's okay." Reid nodded, still staring at the ground. Morgan tousled his hair and smiled, clapping him on the shoulder. "Come on, let's get out of here."

Reid nodded, allowing Morgan to lead him towards the stairwell. He was certain that his eyes were probably red and puffy, but he didn't have the energy to care at the moment. He was thoroughly worn out, and just wanted to go home.

He didn't realize how long they'd been on the roof, but by the time they got to the lobby, everyone was cleared out except for the normal tourists.

Reid looked to Morgan in confusion, but the man just shrugged, leading him out towards the car. The two of them piled in and Reid was grateful that he had a little more time to pull himself together before anyone else saw him.

"They ran back to the station, we're gunna meet the team at the jet."

Reid nodded in understanding. Morgan must've told them that he would go find him, the man did know him well enough to predict his actions fairly well so, he wasn't too surprised.

They drove through town easily, making their way to the airport. Reid watched the scenery go by. He loved being able to travel around all the time, but they often didn't pay much attention to the beauty of the cities as there were killers to catch.

The two of them pulled up to the jet finally, and clearly the rest of the team was waiting on them since there was an SUV parked out front.

Reid exited the vehicle, trailing behind Derek as they made their way to the jet. It was only five pm, but Reid was beat. Though it looked like most of the team planned on being awake during their flight, Reid wasn't really in the mood for conversation.

Luckily, the couch was empty, so he claimed the position, immediately beginning to stretch out across it. The plane began moving and he let his eyes shut, willing himself to sleep.

Unfortunately, his mind still seemed to be running.

Reid couldn't get the thought of Adam out of his head, nor could he stop thinking about Hankel. This case had definitely brought up some bad memories. He kept his mind away from the thought of Dilauded, but he remembered so clearly the alter persona beating him and making him dig his own grave…

Reid's eyes shot open, trying to stay away from those memories. He glanced over to the rest of the team. Prentiss, JJ, Rossi, and Morgan were playing cards at the table, and Hotch was sitting across from him, working on a case.

Reid quickly closed his eyes, hoping that no one had noticed he wasn't asleep, and he turned to curl into the cushions. This way his back faced the rest of the team. He brought his legs up, bringing himself into as tight of a ball as he could while on the couch, and tried to calm his breathing.

There was no way he was actually going to get any sleep. He decided to just feign it as much as he could. Reid carefully measured his breath after a few minutes, breathing as steadily as he could. He tried to clear his mind, focusing more on the conversation happening between his teammates than what was going on in his head.

After a little while, he felt something get draped over his body and he realized he'd been shivering. He instantly grabbed it, pulling it a little tighter around his body. It felt like someone's jacket.

Without realizing it, Reid began to slip into a light doze, not fully falling asleep, but definitely not aware enough to be considered 'awake'.

When he felt the wheels move, Reid jolted back to awareness. They must be landing. He slowly opened his eyes, turning his body away from the cushion to look around the plane. He lazily rubbed his eyes, attempting to clear them a little more.

Derek and JJ had moved to other seats, each doing their own thing. Rossi and Prentiss were discussing something at the big table while simultaneously watching the ground approach. He turned his body further, seeing Hotch still next to him, watching him closely.

Reid's brows shot up in surprise that the man had been watching him. He gave a small smile before slowly sitting up. The jacket that had been laid atop him fell to the ground.

He leaned to pick it up, immediately recognizing it to be Hotch's. Quickly, Reid handed it back to the man who smiled at him.

"Thanks, Hotch."
"No problem, you were shivering, you needed it more than me." Hotch stated.

The two of them watched out the window as the plane got closer and closer to the ground.

"Are you okay?" Hotch asked, still looking out the window.

Reid clenched his jaw, frowning. "Uh, yeah." He lied, "I'm fine. Just tired."

Hotch turned his head, a disbelieving look on his face. "Well considering you just actually admitted to being tired, I'd say that means you're not okay."
"Whatever happened to not profiling each other?"

"Spencer."

Reid sighed, dropping his head. "Just… n-not now, Hotch." He looked back up, making eye contact with the man, "Please."

Hotch rolled his eyes, mumbling something that sounded like "damn puppy dog eyes" and nodded.

The jet landed and it wasn't long before the team was making their way to the cars. It wasn't often that conversation was so lively after a case, because they were typically all exhausted afterwards. However, this one had been fairly quick and, despite the odd nature surrounding it, most of them we're able to begin moving on from it already.

Reid was the only one not discussing weekend plans with anyone. He blankly stared out the window, wracking his brain for ways that he could help to save Adam.

Maybe if he went and visited Amanda enough in jail, he'd be able to bring Adam back out. Maybe it wasn't too late to save him.

When they arrived back at the BAU, most team members were packing up to go home. Reid knew if he hung around too long, someone would notice, but he couldn't go home alone right now. Instead, he dropped his stuff at his desk and briskly made his way to the bathroom.

He quickly locked the door before sprinting to a stall. Suddenly the whole situation was making him extremely nauseated. Reid expelled the little substance in his stomach into the toilet. He sat there a few minutes, stomach twitching, before he was able to lean back against the cool tile.

Reid wiped the sweaty hair away from his face. There were tears on his cheeks, but he ignored them. No one was here, so it didn't matter anyways. He brought his legs up to his chin, tucking his face in his knees and hugging his shins.

Why was he so weak? Why couldn't he be like the rest of the team. It seemed like he was so fragile lately. Between his run ins with injury and stress, it felt like he was in a constant spiral. If the team wasn't so understanding, he was sure he'd probably have run himself directly into his own grave.

But he couldn't keep doing this to them. They have lives outside of him.

Hotch has a family, and so does JJ. Morgan and Prentiss don't wanna look after him all the time, and Garcia and Rossi have more important things going on.

'We're a family' a voice in the back of his head said, but he shook his head at himself. Family relied on each other, sure, but he was sure it was a two-way street. They were taking care of him a lot more than he helped them. That wasn't fair to them.

Reid uncurled from the ball he'd been in and flushed the toilet. He still felt like crap, but he no longer felt like he might vomit out his stomach. Gingerly, he stood up, keeping a hand on the wall as he swayed slightly. He made his way out of the stall, washing his hands and face in the sink.

He looked at his watch. He'd been in here for about 30 minutes. Hopefully everyone was gone by now and he could just work on some files for a while.

Reid unlocked the door, walking out into the empty hallway. It was completely silent. He made his way to the bullpen, pushing through the doors. Luckily, it looked like his plan had worked, everyone was gone.

He smiled to himself but decided he definitely needed some coffee before he started up. He needed to get the acidic taste out of his mouth.

Reid made his way to the kitchen area, starting up the machine to put on a pot.

"Oh no you don't."

Reid jumped about a foot in the air at the sound of the voice. Startled, he whipped around, seeing a very done looking Garcia standing there.

"Garcia? What are you still doing here?"
"I could ask you the same question 187, why are you making coffee in the office instead of heading home to get some rest?"

Reid's mouth hung open, trying to make something up, but Garcia stepped forward before he could. She grabbed his hand, swiftly turned off the coffee machine, and began dragging him out of the bullpen.

"Garcia what-"

"Shhh."
"… did you just shush me?"
"SHHHH"

Reid's brows shot up in confusion. He continued stumbling behind her until she typed the code in and practically threw him into her office. He caught his footing and turned around to face her.

"Garcia, seriously, what the hell?"

"Sit."

She shoved him into one of her chairs, immediately covering him with a colorful blanket and handing him a mug of tea. He was too shocked to react in any other way than just offering her gifts.

"Talk."

Reid stared at the mug of tea, then at Garcia. They sat in silence a moment before Reid sat the mug on the table beside him.

"Talk about what?"

"Morgan told me about the roof."

Reid flinched at this, closing his eyes. Of course, he did. The whole team probably knew what a baby he was being about this whole thing and-

A hand placed itself on Reid's own and it startled him out of his thoughts.

"Spencer," she began, leaning towards him, "You barely talked to Morgan, you refused to talk to Hotch, and then you locked yourself in the bathroom for a half hour so that you could dodge everyone else the rest of the night." Reid's brows rose when she called him out about that, but she continued, "Clearly this case uncovered some old memories and the only way to keep them from haunting you is to talk about it."

Reid's eyes dropped and he pulled the blanket a little tighter around himself with his free hand.

"I'm okay."
"Bullshit, Spencer. You can't lie to me, I can't-" her voice caught in the back of her throat, causing Reid to look up at her. She looked like she was a second away from crying, unshed tears in her eyes. "I can't watch you suffer again Reid; not like you did after Hankel."

The word 'Dilauded' went left unsaid, but he knew she was talking about his addiction.

Normally, when one of them got spooked on a case, it wasn't that big of a deal. However, now it made sense. That's why they'd all been so worried.

"Now please, let me look at your arms, and then talk to me."

Reid mentally facepalmed. He hadn't even thought what locking himself up in the bathroom would look like to them. He nodded, rolling up his sleeves for Garcia to inspect. She gently grabbed each arm, looking for new marks. After a few minutes of probing, she let go, smiling softly at him.

"It was just… a lot of deja vu, you know? All the signs were there, the profile fit, he even told me all of his symptoms yet somehow-" he stopped, clenching his jaw to stop from crying. "It's my fault that we lost Adam. I should've seen it. His DID was staring me right in the eyes and with my… experience… I know better than anyone what DID can do to a person."

Reid took a breath, glancing at Garcia. She was looking at him with encouragement, hoping he'd keep talking. So, he did.

"You know, I thought Hankel was all evil, but w-when he s-saved me?" he stumbled over his words a bit, extra emotion seeping through at his horrible memories. "Tobias saved my life. And I killed him." A tear escaped his eye, dripping down his face as he remembered that night. "Adam… He… He deserved help, just like Tobias did, and once again, I k-killed him. He's… he's gone. And it's my fault."

Silence filled the room as Reid stopped speaking. He'd never truly talked to anyone about Hankel. Even Gideon was more interested in helping him with his drug problem, which was understandable. But even with everything he'd gone through, he'd never told anyone about his thoughts on killing Hankel.

He supposed everyone probably assumed that he'd been relieved, having gotten rid of his captor and thus saving his own life. But it wasn't just his captor that he'd killed, he'd also shot a civilian, an innocent, another victim.

Garcia brought a hand up to his cheek, wiping away his tears. He continued staring downwards, slightly lost in memory, but Garcia pulled him into a tight hug. After a few minutes he came back to himself and slowly began reciprocating the hug.

They sat in silence a while; Reid thankful that she'd stayed behind for him. He closed his eyes, leaning further into her arms.

"It's not your fault" she said in his ear. His brows furrowed, and he shook his head slightly, but she ignored him; "You might not believe me Spencer, but it's not your fault. No one on this team thinks it's your fault, for Adam or for Hankel. No one blames you but yourself. And I know you aren't going to let go of that guilt in one day, but I hope I can help convince you that you should let go of it one day."

Reid smiled, burying his face in her shoulder at this.

"Thank you." He whispered.

"Oh of course honey." She said, scratching his back.

When they did finally separate, Garcia handed him a box of tissues. She had mascara running down her face, clearly empathizing with his situation. He took a few, drying his eyes and laughing a little as he watched Garcia do the same.

"What do you say we watch a movie here? I have popcorn!"

Reid nodded, smiling at his sister. She quickly stood, shoving popcorn in the microwave and looking for a good movie to watch.

He picked up his mug, taking a sip of the tea. It was just the way he liked it. Garcia began talking at a million miles an hour, describing the plots of different movies they could watch. Reid smiled at her.

This day may have brought back a lot of terrible memories, but he knew that looking back on it he'd smile, remembering this moment with Garcia instead.

Love some bb Reid angst. Also poor buddy, I keep throwing in people checking that he's not doing drugs again... but honestly, it's important to make sure that people with addictions know it's not their fault that they have an addiction and that you care and want to make sure that they're keeping themself safe and healthy so I'm glad they're checking up on him 3
My next chapter(s) are on the anthrax episode. I was going to do a one shot, but I started writing and suddenly it was 4000 words and I'm still not done with it so it'll probably be at least a two parter. I wanted to address more detail about how Reid was feeling during the ep as well as the aftermath, so it might work out perfectly that way