Oh god okay here we go, this is the start of the spiral. There's a lot of pain here… Oof why am I doing this I am so sorry. Also this chapter is kinda weird cuz I have some text convos in here, but I think it turned out okay? Idk hahaah, I was just trying something new.

S5 E7

Reid hobbled back into his apartment, quickly locking his door behind himself and collapsing onto his couch. There was a pit in his stomach, a pit of guilt. It had formed the moment they'd realized that JJ had walked into a trap alone, and it was still sticking with him. Getting worse even.

She'd said that she was fine, that the doctor said she'd have a quick and easy recovery. However, that didn't mean that Reid shouldn't have been there.

He was going to go with her, but when they'd found Dante, who seemed to fit the profile so perfectly, he'd asked to stay behind and watch the interview. It was his choice, his fault.

Reid laid down on the couch, gritting his teeth and rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hand. He was so annoyed, so angry with himself. He should've seen the signs that the unsub was a woman. If he had, JJ probably wouldn't have gotten hurt at all, and she wouldn't be stuck dealing with a concussion for the next few weeks.

Reid got a sudden rush of anger and disgust towards himself. He quickly stood up, grabbing one of his crutches, and walked to the bathroom. He could feel anger building. Anger towards himself.

He leaned over the sink, looking at himself in the mirror. He was pale and his sweaty hair hung loosely around his gaunt face.

'Disgusting' Reid thought, 'I'm disgusting. I hurt JJ. I'm a horrible person.'

He clutched the edges of the sink until his knuckles turned white. His heart was beating faster and faster and he felt his breath speed up. Tears began to form in his eyes, and he let out a whine of frustration towards himself. He closed his eyes, clenching his jaw, and attempted to take a deep breath. But all he could feel was more self-hatred building. He shook his head at himself, disappointed and irritated.

Suddenly, there was a shattering noise and he let out an exasperated scream. Reid's eyes snapped open and his head whipped up. His mirror was cracked and there were specks of blood all around. It took him a moment to realize it was his blood, that he had smashed his hand into the mirror in fury.

Slowly, he unclenched his shaking hand, wincing as bits of glass dug into his flesh. Reid's breathing began speeding up once more and he blankly began sliding to the floor. The crashing of his crutch hitting the ground made him jump, but he couldn't pull his eyes away from the number he'd done to his knuckles.

He stared at his still trembling hand, watching blood flow freely onto the white tile of his bathroom floor. A tear dripped down his face as he realized what he'd done. How broken and useless he was becoming.

'I'm pathetic' he realized, more tears beginning to flow freely as he continued gaping at his bloodied hand. 'I can't even be in the field because I got myself shot, and now everyone knows how useless I am at a desk too.'

Reid's tears quickly turned into sobs which wracked his entire body. He clenched his bleeding hand into a fist, making no move to stop the flow of blood or pick out the pieces of glass. He raked his hands through his hair, more cruel thoughts passing through his head.

Everyone had been relying on his knowledge of vampurists during this case. When it had begun, he'd been so confident. He loved being able to spew random facts and impress people, though it only seemed to annoy the members of his team. But then, his profile was way off. There'd never been a profile so off before, and it was because of him that they'd been so wrong. He'd gotten JJ concussed, and he'd almost gotten her killed.

Adrenaline started pumping and he began feeling anger once more. Tears continued flowing freely, but he stood up, knee pain temporarily forgotten about, and stared at the broken and bloodied mirror.

His reflection was fractured. It was a more accurate representation of him, broken, damaged, useless.

He felt his heartrate accelerate, and he quickly began punching the mirror once more, over and over again, letting out a scream of agony as his knuckles broke and his hand was cut.

Reid punched and punched, glass and blood flying everywhere, tears streaming down his face, agonizingly raw noises emerging from his throat.

When he finally stopped, he felt raw and shattered himself. The mirror's glass was barely in place anymore, leaving the dark metal and a few sharp pieces around the edge which hadn't come unhinged.

He stood there, blankly staring at the metal for a while, utterly wrecked.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but when he came back to himself, his tears had stopped, but his face was not yet dry. He began to take notice of the mess he'd made for himself.

There was glass in the sink and on the ground, and most of it was covered in dark blood. Looking in one of the small pieces of glass still attached to the mirror, Reid noticed a long scratch along his cheekbone. He must've flung a piece while he was punching the glass.

He brought his right hand up to his face, only to be shocked at its appearance. The whole thing seemed to be slick with blood, knuckles cracked open and cuts everywhere. Glass shards stuck out of his fingers and on the back of his hand.

Reid's body shook as the adrenaline rush began wearing off, and pain replaced his anger. He was unsure of what to do, but he knew he couldn't go to the hospital. If he did that, an emergency contact would probably be called and that meant that either Hotch or Morgan would see him like this.

He couldn't let that happen.

Carefully, Reid sat down, avoiding pieces of glass that surrounded him. Slowly he began picking up the individual shards and placing them in the trashcan. He winced as he cut himself a few times, but his hand was already wrecked, so what was a few more knicks?

When he finally finished with the ground, Reid grabbed his crutch, standing up once more. He repeated the process with all of the shards that had fallen in the sink and, eventually, the debris had been cleared.

However, there was still the blood to clean up, and the problem of the still flowing blood pouring out of his hand.

Reid was beginning to get a little lightheaded, having lost so much blood. Luckily, it seemed like the cuts were beginning to scab, but he still needed to pick out the splinters of glass from some of his wounds.

He carefully stuck his battered hand under the faucet, hissing when the water began flowing over his wounds. The water was tinted pink when it hit the porcelain and slid down the drain. Some of the smaller shards of glass became unhinged and fell out as the water flowed over, but Reid knew he'd probably have to pick some of them out with tweezers.

About ten minutes passed before he turned off the sink. His hand was stinging more and more with each passing moment, but the majority of the cuts were scabbing over. A few of his knuckles were still bleeding, and Reid wondered if they needed stitches, but he quickly shook off that thought.

He was not going to the emergency room; he didn't need to ruin anyone of his teammate's night off.

Reid moved through a fog, absentmindedly grabbing the tweezers and first aid kit, and making his way to the couch. He had no feeling anymore besides the pain in his hand. He just felt empty, like a void.

It took a few minutes to remove the rest of the glass, the worst one being an especially large shard residing next to one of his knuckles, but he was beginning to feel numb anyways, so it wasn't too hard.

He got out a few butterfly bandages, placing them over a few of the nastier cuts. Reid then proceeded to tightly wrap his hand in gauze, hoping that would be enough to staunch the bleeding.

He suddenly remembered the cut on his face and reached up to touch his cheek with his good hand. It came back sticky and wet with blood.

Reid probably did need stitches for that cut too, but butterfly bandages were going to have to do. He held a rag up to his face, hoping to slow the bleeding before placing three butterfly bandages over the laceration. He then awkwardly taped a piece of gauze over the cut, hoping it would also stop bleeding.

When he'd finally finished, Reid made his way to his room, collapsing atop his bed. He pulled off his work clothing and managed to throw on a plain tee and some sweats before curling up on his side, hoping to fall asleep.

Reid sat in silence for a long while, floating through existence. His mind was blank, and he felt hollow. He let his eyes slip closed, and he secretly hoped that maybe he wouldn't be opening them again.

However, that wasn't the case.

The next thing Reid knew, daylight was pouring in through his bedroom window. He stared out vacantly, realizing he needed to get into the office but having no motivation to go to work.

'What does it matter anyways,' he thought, 'they don't need me, I'll just get in the way.' He sighed, realizing that there was really no excuse for him to not go into work, and he pushed himself into a sitting position.

Glancing down at his hand, Reid noticed the bloodstains around his knuckles and a few smaller ones speckled around his hand. He'd need to change the gauze before heading in.

Robotically, Reid stood, hobbled to his living room, and proceeded to change the bandage. Some of the scabs pulled and tared when he pulled off the old gauze, but he didn't flinch. He just replaced the new bandage and proceeded to get dressed for work.

Normally he wouldn't have left without coffee, but Reid forgot about the drink he typically relied on and walked out his front door without it.

When Reid reached the office, he finally looked at his watch. He was a few hours late. For some reason, though, he didn't really care.

Reid walked in the office on autopilot, snaking through the bullpen without attracting any attention to himself and plopping down at his desk.

It wasn't until a few minutes later that he realized none of his team members were there. He was slightly confused, and he pulled out his phone for the first time in a day. He had quite a few missed texts and calls, which he quickly read though:

~BAU Baddies (Hotch, Prentiss, Garcia, Morgan, JJ, Rossi) ~

*9:23pm*

Hotch: You've got the day off tomorrow. Enjoy it.

Prentiss: YESSSSSS! girls day Pen & JJ!?

*6:14am*

JJ: Em I have a concussion; I don't think I can go out drinking tonight…

Rossi: Or dinner at the Rossi Mansion? I'll make pasta if you all bring the wine?

Morgan: ^^^

Garcia: if chocolate thunder's there, im there 3

Prentiss: as long as there's wine, im happy 3333

JJ: I'll see if Will and I can find a babysitter :)

Rossi: Be here at 7:00pm.

Hotch: I'll be there. See you then.

Prentiss: dad's gunna be there? now I have to go

Garcia: Morgan wanna pick me up?

Morgan: you bet babygirl ;)

*7:25am*

JJ: Successfully got a sitter for Henry, Will and I will be there! Can't wait!

Rossi: Excellent.

Prentiss: YAY!

*9:07am*

Rossi: Reid?

~Hotch~

*6:41am*

Hotch: If you need a ride, I can come pick you up on the way to Rossi's.

~Morgan~

*7:48am*

Morgan: lmk if you want a ride pretty boy

Morgan: I'm driving Garcia too, so I'll be near your apartment anyways

*8:10am*

Morgan: everything ok kid?

*8:22am*
## MISSED CALL FROM: Morgan ##

~JJ~

*10:21pm*

JJ: Spence, I just wanted to tell you again that it wasn't your fault.

JJ: Please don't blame yourself.

JJ: There was no way you could have known. And I'll be okay, it's just a bump on the head.

*8:56am*

JJ: Spence, are you okay?

JJ: Please don't punish yourself for what happened yesterday, we all would love for you to come to Rossi's tonight.

*9:25am*

## (2) MISSED CALLS FROM: JJ ##

*9:38am*

JJ: Spence please answer your phone.

~Hotch~

*9:40am*
Hotch: Spencer, both JJ and Morgan have texted me saying that you are not answering your phone, is everything alright?

Hotch: Do I need to come over?

*9:42am*

## MISSED CALL FROM: Hotch ##

'Shit' Reid thought to himself as he read through all the messages. The last thing he needed was someone showing up at his apartment, especially while he wasn't there. He still hadn't cleaned up the blood in the bathroom and the mirror would obviously be a site.

Quickly, Reid stood up, rushing out of the BAU as fast as he could on his crutch, and heading back towards his apartment. He sent off a few brief messages, hoping no one would try and come over:

~JJ~

*9:52am*

Reid: Sorry JJ, fell asleep early last night. Just woke up. I'm fine.

Reid: Hope your head is feeling better.

~Hotch~

*9:53am*

Reid: Everything's fine. Overslept. Phone was off. Sorry.

~Morgan~

*9:55am*

Reid: I'm okay, don't worry about it. Was just asleep.

~BAU Baddies~

*9:56am*
Reid: Sorry Rossi, don't think I can make it. I'll see you all Monday.

Reid sent off his messages, hoping no one would question him. He felt his phone begin buzzing in his pocket, but he didn't bother reading the messages. They'd just be messages hoping to convince Reid to show up at Rossi's, even though he was sure they didn't really want him there anyways.

He was just doing them the favor of not showing up, so they'd all have a good time.

When Reid arrived at his apartment again, he was relieved to see that no one else was there. He quickly hobbled in, making his way to the bathroom. Immediately, he began washing the blood off of the tiles with bleach, hoping to erase any evidence of the incident ever occurring.

His eyes burned as he poured the chemical on the ground, and he hissed in pain when a bit of it got into one of the scratches on his fingers. He pushed through, not wanting to have a crime scene of a bathroom in his apartment.

Reid eventually got it all out, but there was still the mirror issue. Once again glancing into the remaining broken pieces, Reid cringed at his appearance. He was very disheveled, hair sticking all over the place and looking even more exhausted and vacant than usual. The forgotten piece of gauze on his face was partially soaked through with blood.

When Reid pulled back the bandage he grimaced at the wound. It would certainly leave some sort of scar. He didn't bother rebandaging it, it would probably be fine.

Exhausted, he went back to his bed, deciding he'd just sleep the rest of the day away since there was nothing better to do. He glanced at his phone one last time, just to make sure no one was going to show up at his apartment:

~Hotch~

*9:59am*

Hotch: Understandable, glad you just overslept.

Hotch: Disappointed you can't make it to Rossi's. Have a pleasant evening. Let me know if you want a ride to work on Monday, I know riding the metro with your knee brace is difficult.

~JJ~

*10:01am*

JJ: Oh, thank god Spence, you had me worried!

JJ: I was about to drive over there and kick in your door!

JJ: My head is feeling better :), we'll miss you at Rossi's tonight!

~Morgan~

*10:01am*
Morgan: God don't do that to me kid, was having a heart attack

~BAU Baddies~

*10:04am*
Prentiss: :( :(

Rossi: Have a good weekend, but we'll miss you! What will I do without my Sioux Chef?

Prentiss: I gotchu

Garcia: Emily you can't cook for shit

Morgan: ^^^

Hotch: She's got a point.

JJ: Are you trying to burn down Rossi's Mansion?

Prentiss: YOU'RE ALL TRAITORS

Reid gave a small smile while reading through the texts, but it fell away quickly. They'd have a better time without him there. he was just a waste of space, at work and in life. It was better if he didn't get in the way of their fun.

Rolling on his side once more, Reid got under his covers, burying himself in blankets. He closed his eyes, hoping to sleep the whole weekend. That way he wouldn't have to listen to himself think. He could be aimlessly drift through space, rather than dwelling on all of his failures.

Reid pulled his legs and arms tight against his body, curling in on himself, and for the second time in less than 24hours, Reid silently hoped that he wouldn't wake up again after he drifted off.

Sometimes we don't get what we ask for though, sometimes we're still needed in the world, even if we cannot see it ourselves.

Spencer Reid was still very much needed, which was why the next morning, he had to once again face the disappointment of opening his eyes.

I'd like to formally apologize to doing that to Reid, but I promise that the buildup of pain will be worth it in the end. Just remember yall, if you're hurting or sad, don't hurt yourself! You are worthy of love and happiness! Reid is going through it right now, and it's okay if you are too, but you will get through this and come out of it an even stronger person! It's okay to ask for help and if you ever need to rant to anyone, feel free to comment on my posts about anything! I love you all and I hope you stay safe and healthy, take some time for self-care, and remember; YOU ARE WORTHY!