So, I was gunna do a whole chapter on 11, but I didn't feel like I could make it a good enough chapter on its own, so this one takes place right after 12 but its assuming these two cases were kinda back to back.

TW for some suicidal thoughts / reckless behavior

S5 E12

He couldn't shake the feeling of anxiety that had settled as a pit in his stomach. The case they'd just worked was sticking with Reid, still on his mind even a full day and a half since they'd gotten back from Atlantic City.

The case had rattled him to say the least.

Seeing those women being used as dolls was bad enough, but having to talk to the unsub's father, who was, frankly, a disgrace of a human being, made the whole thing worse.

Fathers always seemed to hit a little too close to home for Reid.

When Rossi and he had been in the man's office and Reid had pieced together the sick son of a bitch that he was, so much anger flowed through him. He'd ruined his daughter; she'd never even had a fair shot at a normal life with how horribly he'd treated her. And subjecting a child to electric shock? Just thinking about it made his blood boil.

Reid sat up in his bed, checking his clock. It read 2:47am. He'd been tossing and turning for hours. When they'd landed the night before, he'd come home and collapsed on the bed, not having gotten much sleep during that case or the previous one.

Thinking of the one before brought back more feelings of guilt, they hadn't profiled that the unsub would have a 'partner', who'd turned out to be an undercover cop that he'd been blackmailing, and Prentiss had gotten injured because of it. Once again, Reid had missed an obvious detail and one of his team members was hurt from his own stupidity and blindness.

Even though Reid had fallen asleep easily the previous night, he'd been plagued by nightmares, and didn't catch more than a few hours. His body was physically exhausted, and he knew he would collapse soon if he didn't get some real rest, but he was too on edge. His mind wouldn't stop.

Reid dug the palms of his hands into his eye sockets, willing the exhaustion away. All he wanted was to feel well rested, not that he even really remembered what that felt like.

Frustration filled the man and he quickly threw the covers off himself, standing up. He threw on a hoodie and slid on some shoes. Grabbing his keys, he left his apartment, desperate to get some fresh air that would hopefully clear his mind.

He walked down the steps of his apartment building as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb the other residents. Reid reached the lobby and swiftly strode towards the main door. When it swung open, he immediately shivered, the cold air nipping at his skin. He pulled up his hood and shoved his hands in his pockets, deciding he didn't care enough to trek back upstairs and grab another layer.

Looking around, Reid felt comforted by the stillness of the night. It was almost completely silent, and he didn't see anyone else around. Having little to no particular direction in mind, Reid turned left and started walking down the road, hoping to return to his apartment with a clear mind.

He walked aimlessly, continuously having to stop himself from thinking about work, making himself focus on what was around him instead. Reid found himself trying to count the number of sidewalk cracks he stepped over rather than his list of faults that seemed to be running through his head on a loop.

This worked for a while, Reid actually cleared his head and lost track of time, but when he suddenly ran into a tree, it brought him back to the present.

Holding his now aching head, Reid looked up, realizing he'd run out of sidewalk. He'd managed to walk all the way over to one of the local parks. He glanced around, making sure that he was still alone before reaching for his phone. He couldn't see much besides the cloud of air that emerged from his mouth with each exhale. He needed a flashlight.

When he fished through his pockets, though, he realized that he'd left his phone in his apartment. Sighing, Reid rubbed his forehead in annoyance at himself.

'You know what? Fuck it.' He thought to himself. Reid began walking into the dark park, city lights fading out behind him. It quickly became darker, and he only had the moonlight at his disposal, but his pupils dilated quickly and soon it didn't seem too dark.

He walked as quietly as he could, listening for any other movement around him. Reid knew this was stupid and reckless, walking into a park alone, at night, with no phone and no one knowing where he was. But, honestly, he couldn't care less.

He was feeling just reckless enough in his sleep deprived and self-loathing state that he didn't even to think twice about his decision.

Reid tripped a few times over debris on the ground but managed to catch himself before he hit the ground, stumbling a little each time.

Eventually he made it to a clearing, one he recognized. He'd just been here the other day, watching one of his friends, Eric, play chess.

A pang of sadness shot through his heart at the thought of chess. His mind always wandered back to Gideon when the game came up, the man having been the only one he'd ever played who consistently beat him.

Reid shook his head, continuing his walk in the other direction. He was back on a sidewalk, one he didn't recognize, but he decided to follow it anyways. It twisted and wound through the park, going up and down hills and around trees. A loud roaring noise was starting to fill the silence, and Reid realized that whatever it was, the path was talking him towards it.

Eventually, the path led him to the source of the noise. It was a river with some very large rapids. He slowly meandered over to it, looking over the edge. He could barely see the river itself, the water reflecting nothing but the dark sky and a slice of moonlight. It seemed impossibly far down, and the rapids were chaotic and loud.

Reid stared over the side a while before noticing a bridge a little way down. He felt compelled by this and began absentmindedly making his way towards it.

When he reached the bridge, he stopped. It was fairly wide, as well as long, and it arched upwards. Reid strolled up the cobblestone until he was at the peak, and then found himself leaning over the edge.

The river seemed even more mysterious from this view. Now it was almost completely out of sight, no moonlight reflecting off of it from this angle. He could make out the shape of the water but wasn't able to make out the detail.

He rested his arms on the railing, closing his eyes for a moment. As chaotic as the water sounded, the rapids were almost calming. His mind was empty of anxiety and worry and he almost felt at peace. Almost as if the water could wrap him up and comfort him.

A voice in the back of his head told him it was dumb, but Reid found himself climbing onto the railing, sitting with his legs dangling over the edge. He knew, logically, it was dangerous and stupid, that one little push and he'd be dead.

Reid knew this.

But he hadn't felt this peaceful in a long time. He was just so tired of everything.

He was physically drained, sure, but it was more than that. He was tired of the constant stress and anxiety. The guilt and hatred he felt towards himself. He was tired of the weight he was carrying, and the façade he'd barely been holding onto.

He was tired of the constant lies he was telling everyone, including himself. He wasn't okay, he needed help. He was like the broken mirror in his bathroom, and he needed someone to gather the pieces off the ground and help glue him back together.

Gideon was right, he should ask for help. He knew in his heart that any one of his team members would help him if he asked.

But that was the problem.

Reid was tired of asking for help, and he was tired of wasting his teammates time. They had better things to do than constantly help piece him back together. Hotch needed more of their attention right now, he'd just lost his wife and deserved more support and love than Reid did.

He couldn't keep using his team members and giving nothing in return.

But he couldn't keep living like this.

Reid closed his eyes, relaxing on the edge of the railing. He felt a soft breeze push his body forward a little, and he inhaled deeply.

If he let go, if he let himself fall, maybe he'd finally be at peace. The weight would be lifted, and he wouldn't have to carry this guilt anymore.

His team wouldn't have to deal with him, they could focus more on each other. They'd be able to have more fun hanging out without him bringing down the mood. And he wouldn't continue messing cases up for them, resulting in the injury of other members of their team.

His grip on the railing slackened a little, and he felt his body scooch forward a bit. Reid opened his eyes, looking up at the sky.

He was far enough out from the city that he could see all the stars and the milky way. The light from the moon dulled it a bit, but not like the light pollution from the city.

Reid spent a few minutes spotting constellations and planets. His lips twitched into a small smile as his grip slackened further.

There probably wasn't a more beautiful sight than the night sky, and it wouldn't be a bad final view either.

He wouldn't ever watch the sunrise again, only the sight of the moon and stars as he let his body descend into the darkness.

Reid was ready. Ready to let go of the guilt and the shame, the hate and the loneliness, the pain and the sorrow that he'd been carrying for years. He was ready to rest; he was ready to finally be at peace.

Reid chuckled a little to himself at the thought of dying from falling. All this time, with his profession as well as his previous drug addiction, he always figured it would be a gunshot wound or an overdose to take him out, not something so blatantly self-inflicted.

He opened his eyes one last time, ready to let himself slide of the edge of the railing. But when he looked up at the stars again, something stopped him from making the movement.

A streak of light lit up the sky. It was a shooting star.

Immediately, Reid's heart ached with the thought of his mother. When he was little, before her schizophrenia had started to completely overtake her mind, even before his dad left, his mom used to read him stories about myths in different countries.

One of the ones she favored was about shooting stars. While some cultures believed that shooting stars were ancestors ascending to heaven, her favorite read that a shooting star was a new life being brought to Earth.

While scientifically she knew that shooting stars were actually meteors burning up in the Earth's atmosphere, she wholeheartedly believed that they were signs of new life as well. And she believed this because she'd seen a shooting star just seconds before she went into labor with himself.

Suddenly, the trance Reid had fallen into broke, and he felt himself scrambling off the ledge. He stumbled to the ground on his hands and knees, heart beating quickly and breath straining from the terror that had unexpectedly overwhelmed him.

He panted heavily, tears quickly beginning to stream down his face as he realized what he'd almost done. He sat back on his heels, running his hands through his hair with anxiety.

He couldn't just leave his mother with no explanation! I mean sure, Garcia probably still had that recording of him from the whole anthrax situation, but if he were to do something of this magnitude, something where he was making his own choice… he'd go see her one last time before the end.

Reid shook his head at himself, in disbelief that he'd almost let himself fall off the edge of a bridge in the middle of the night. In the back of his mind, he still craved to let go of it all, craved the peace and quiet he'd experienced just before he'd snapped out of it.

But he knew that he needed to hang on. He'd dodged death too many times for the universe to not want him there. Even though Reid felt alone and lost, he had to keep living, he had to keep trying to save people.

A light began to fill the sky and Reid looked up over the horizon.

The sun was rising.

He squinted at the brightness of the light but felt relief as heat began to caress his frozen skin and sunlight brought warmth to his face. He hadn't realized how much he'd been shivering until the beams of light arose once more.
Reid clumsily stood up, watching as the sun began inching its way into the sky. The dark navy blanket speckled with stars shifted to a light pink, which then began fading to purple, then blue, as the sun rose higher and higher.

By the time Reid pulled his eyes away from the view, he was no longer shivering anymore. His mind was beginning to run again, but not as painfully as before.

Even though he'd stopped himself from completely letting go, he seemed to have let go of some of his hurt. He felt a little lighter, as if he'd needed to allow himself to let go of some of the built-up anxiety and shame for a while now.

Reid straightened himself up, turning his back to the view. He began walking down the bridge, back to the safety of solid ground in the park he'd wandered through. His eyes lifted, noticing a plaque on one of the park benches at the edge of the sidewalk.

He sauntered up to it, quickly reading the words.

"Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength." -Theodore Roosevelt.

Reid began to tear up slightly as he read the words over again a few times, fully taking in their meaning. He smiled, wiping a stray tear from his eye, and nodded to himself. Lifting his chin, Reid began walking away from the bench and the bridge, still plagued with his anxieties and fears, but filled with something new, something he'd been missing for a long time now.

Hope.

Reid kept walking, and he didn't look back.

so that was kinda happyishhhhhh right? sorry guys lol, we're gunna have like one or two more chapters with super sad boi Reid before some family fluff time in AK

I hope you enjoyed this though! I tried to portray kind of the feeling of peace that it seems like a lot of people feel right before death, but his fear after kinda reawakening and realizing that he didn't actually wanna die.
Sorry this was low key heavy as hell, but it be that way sometimes and just know that if you're feeling like Reid, you're not alone, and you do have the strength and courage to continue living even if it seems hopeless.
You are important to this world and we need you here so please, please, reach out and ask for help if you're struggling!
Matthew Gray Gubler and I both believe in your strength and love you!
National Suicide Prevention Hotline (US) 800-273-8255