Wooooow it's been a hot minute! I had three tests last week and was super distracted by uni so I'm so sorry to keep yall waiting but I hope you've been doing well! I appreciate all the love and support I got on my last chapter, I am so happy yall enjoyed reading it and I hope you like this one too! :) This is once again kind of a Reid alone chapter, so it wont be super long, but I am planning on the alaska ep being the next chapter (and it'll probably be multiple parts) so im excited for that!

S5 E18

Reid walked out of the warehouse into the brisk air of San Francisco. It was night, but the streets were still light up with city lights. He closed the door behind him silently, not wanting his absence noticed too soon by the group.

Not that they would care.

Reid stuffed his hands into the pockets of his coat, pulling it around him tighter as he shivered.

He looked around the street. Though there were lots of cars parked on the steep road, no one was around.

It was two in the morning after all.

Reid huffed, turning to walk downhill, away from his coworker's ongoing celebrations.

The last three days had been hard on Reid, physically and mentally. It was hard enough for him to have to adjust to working with police officers who doubted him every step of the way, but doing it with other agents?

He shook his head in annoyance. People generally needed some time to warm up to him, he knew this. But with most people he didn't care.

However, this group of people, this other team, they were also BAU. They were also his coworkers, and no matter how much he told himself he didn't, he cared about how they perceived him.

And Reid knew they all thought he was a useless weirdo.

When they'd offered him a beer, he turned it down and continued eating his trail mix instead. He didn't miss the look of utter confusion that passed over their faces. After all, it's not like they knew of his past drug addiction, and his notion to stay completely sober of all forms of drug and alcohol.

To them, he was a weird, lanky guy who wasn't cleared to be in the field (damn his knee injury!) and didn't accept their invite to celebrate.

They didn't know how much effort he put into the geological profile, or that he'd done most of the preliminary victimology and profile workup.

They didn't know that he'd not slept since they were in DC, and that he was already stressed and emotionally fragile.

They just didn't know.

That's why he decided to excuse himself after about a half hour. After the toast that had occurred between the two teams, everyone pretty much paired off to talk to someone they'd gotten to know during the case.

Except Reid hadn't really talked to the members of the other BAU team. Since he couldn't go into the field, and they clearly weren't too fond of him, he'd taken the chance to sneak out the back when it was clear that no one was paying him any attention.

Not that he was complaining, getting some fresh air would be good for him.

He'd meet the team on the plane in the morning and hopefully get some shut eye on their couch.

He was sure no one would really sleep tonight either anyways, they didn't rent hotel rooms because of the time crunch on the case, so unless people were going to sleep on the concrete floor of the warehouse…

Reid continued slowly making his way down the steep sidewalk, sighing in relief when it finally began to even out as he hit downtown. Here it was a little more lively.

Despite being as late as it was, people were out drinking and partying at the bars and restaurants all down the street. There was loud music pouring out of bars and taxis and cable cars were rolling by.

Reid made the impulsive decision to randomly hop on one of the cable cars. He wasn't sure where it would take him, but he didn't have a particular location in mind anyways.

The wind blew through his hair and he smiled, despite the chills he felt run through his body. He felt more relaxed and freer than he had in a long time.

He enjoyed sitting on the trolley, watching the lights and people pass by as they zoomed down the street.

Eventually, they made it down to the fisherman's wharf and Reid decided to hop off. He'd never actually spent any time in San Francisco, other than tracking down killers, so this was a nice change of pace.

In fact, he never really took any vacation time besides going to visit his mother, so he wasn't used to be this free of worry and responsibility.

The smile dropped from his face when he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He quickly fished it out.

JJ was calling him. Reid sighed, of course it was JJ, he knew if anyone, she would probably eventually notice he was gone. Clearing his throat, he hit 'answer' and raised the phone to his ear.

"Reid."

"Spence! Where are you?"

"Hey JJ, I'm just on a walk"

"Alone?"

"Uhh…. Yeah?"
"Spence you shouldn't be walking out there alone at two thirty in the morning!"
Reid rolled his eyes at this. If only she knew that this was becoming a habit of his. Ever since that one night where he almost… well, he'd been going on walks around his neighborhood at ungodly hours because he couldn't sleep.

He knew the team was seeing his exhaustion. The bags under his eyes were worse than they'd ever been, and even he was beginning to notice how much weight he'd begun to loss from the stress.

But no one had said anything, and Reid didn't want to burden them anymore, so he didn't say anything about it either. That didn't mean that his coworkers hadn't started shooting him concerned glances every now and again, but it wasn't like it had been in the past.

They didn't reach out to help, so he assumed they didn't care. Which was fine. He was fine on his own. They didn't need another burden to worry about.

It was fine, wasn't it?

"JJ it's fine, I'll just meet you guys on the plane in a few hours."

"Spence-"

Reid hung up the phone before she had a chance to say anything else. His contentment had washed away as he'd been pulled back to reality once more. He'd inadvertently walked towards the water again, feeling drawn to it like he had that one night not too many weeks ago.

He began walking down the pier, away from the lights and movement of the city, and towards the ocean. The edge of the pier was empty, and he felt drawn towards it.

When Reid reached the end, he sat down, hanging his legs over the edge. He was only about ten feet up from the water this time though, it wasn't like before when he'd sat much higher up over dangerous rapids.

This time if he fell, he'd essentially just end up cold and wet, and probably annoyed.

He looked out at the ocean, feeling a bit defeated.

Reid was glad that they'd saved the victims and caught the unsub, but he still couldn't get over how useless he'd been on the case.

He'd never felt so self-conscious on a case before. Even when he'd first started with the BAU, Gideon made sure he felt somewhat confident in his abilities. Whenever he doubted his social or physical skills, he knew that he always had his brain.

But now it felt like he was losing his mind too. He was being consumed by self-doubt and loathing, and the stress and anxiety was weighing heavily on his mind. He was clearly having suicidal tendencies to some proportion and was certain he could probably be diagnosed with some form of depression.

Maybe he should actually go see a therapist, rather than repressing all his thoughts…

'No,' Reid shook his head at himself, 'I don't have time for that.'

Then again, maybe he should just quit his job at the BAU while he was ahead. He had been getting job offers the past two years for teaching positions or another placement in the FBI. Or he could just move back to Las Vegas and be closer to his mom, figure something else out.

Reid buried his head in his hands, frustrated. He wasn't sure why he'd continuously thought about this recently. Growing up, all he'd wanted to do was get into the BAU. But, then again, maybe that was the issue.

Normally, people were in the FBI for five or ten years at least before ever being considered for the BAU. They had outside training and experience, something he lacked. They were able to bounce around and figure out what they liked before settling in one area of the FBI. He wasn't.

And as much as he loved the people he worked with dearly, he knew that they'd probably be better off without him.

'Maybe I'll talk to Hotch… see if any other departments are open…' Reid thought to himself. 'No, that would never work, he'd probably tell the team and then I'd have to talk to them about it. No, the best way to do it would be to tell them after the decision is final.'

Reid sighed, looking back out at the ocean again.

He hated this. He hated constantly being at war within his mind. He hated feeling useless and dumb, and he wished someone would just tell him what to do.

He missed Gideon. And his mom.

And he missed the person he was before the Hankel incident. The innocent kid who was good at his job and constantly surprised those around him.

Now he just let everyone down.

Reid sniffed, unsure if his nose was beginning to run from sadness or the cold. His body was trembling, and he wished that he would've brought a heavier layer with him.

He began to stand, pulling himself away from the edge of the pier. He needed to move so that he could warm up a little bit.

Reid began walking slowly back towards the wharf, squinting at the bright lights and still bustling city. He was beginning to get lost in his head once more, but something startled him out of his thoughts.

"Spencer!"

Reid jumped a foot in the air, when a hand landed on his shoulder. He quickly whipped around only to see Morgan standing behind him, a troubled look on his face.

"What the hell, Morgan?"

"What the hell me? What the hell you, Spencer? You just disappeared without a trace in the middle of the night to walk alone in a city you're not familiar with? Are you trying to get kidnapped?"

"How'd you f-find me?" his teeth chattered as he shivered from the cold.

Morgan's face read 'really bitch' and Reid nodded understandingly. Garcia.

"Pretty boy," Morgan shook his head in disbelief, "what the hell were you thinking?"
"I w-was thinking that I w-wanted to g-go on a walk, g-get some fresh air-"

"At four in the morning?"

Reid glanced at his watch. Wow, he'd been out a lot longer than he'd anticipated. "I m-mean it was only two when I-"

"Spencer, I mean Jesus kid, you weren't answering us-"

"I-I talked to JJ!"

"Yeah for like thirty seconds, and you didn't tell her where you were or what you were doing or-"

"Morgan!" Reid shouted, annoyed. The man stopped talking, looking stunned at the anger in Reid's voice. "I'm f-fine, okay? I'm not some child you h-have to l-look after. Contrary to popular belief, I can t-take care of myself." He turned around, beginning to walk away from the man, but a strong arm grabbed his arm, stopping him from getting very far.

"Kid, no one said you couldn't take care of yourself-"

"Yeah but you're all thinking it!" Reid snapped, facing Morgan once more. "I don't n-need you to come retrieve me b-because I'm some lost damsel in distress-"

"I don't know what's going on with you, kid, but you know we aren't thinking that, we're just worried about you."
"Worried? Hah!" Reid laughed manically, "Why on earth w-would you be w-worried about me? I'm c-completely fine-"

"Spencer!" Morgan said, slapping a hand over his mouth to stop him from talking. The man sighed, shaking his head. "Please, just… please come with me back to the warehouse. You're shivering and you look exhausted alright? Just, please don't fight me on this."

Reid's face was still contorted in anger under Morgan's hand. Morgan sighed and spoke once more, knowing how to hit the kid's soft spot.

"If you don't come back, we're all just going to stay up all night worrying about you…"
Reid's face immediately softened, eyes shifting from anger to shame and distress.

Morgan hated to do that to the kid, knowing that he thought of himself as a burden to the other team members, which wasn't at all the truth, but he thought it might be the only way to get him to comply.

Reid clenched his jaw, lowering his head in shame. He stared at the ground, all the fight draining from his body. He nodded silently, hating himself once more for causing any distress to his team members because of his selfishness.

He thought they'd be better without him, he thought he'd been lessening their pain, not fueling it. Reid wasn't sure what to believe anymore, it seemed like every choice he made was the wrong one.

Morgan sighed, seeing the kid's demeanor shift. He was shutting down, closing himself off. Morgan had been talking to the team about this the other day, it was becoming more and more of a regular occurrence.

Reid had been shutting down frequently and easily these days. One wrong comment, one accusation, one statement, and he'd completely stop talking, staring off into the distance as if it was the worst mistake he'd ever made.

Whenever anyone on the team had approached him about it, they'd either get interrupted by something (typically another case) or Reid would manage to sneak away before they could corner him.

They didn't know what was wrong, but it was obvious that something was happening in the kid's head. And it wasn't good.

Reid silently followed Morgan, shivering more and more against the cold, harsh wind. They finally reached the car that the man had drove down, and Reid awkwardly climbed into the passenger seat.

He wordlessly buckled and stared blankly out the window. He was not in the mood for a conversation, not when he was on the brink of a breakdown.

Reid was relieved when warm air began hitting his body, the tremors becoming less and less. The two of them road in a tense silence, it was clear Morgan was trying to think of something to say, but Reid prayed that he wouldn't come up with anything.

Luckily, Reid's prayers were answered.

When they reached the warehouse once more, Reid stepped out of the car, a wave of exhaustion finally hitting him. The past few weeks were weighing down on him, and his body felt extremely heavy.

He felt Morgan's arm wrap around him as the man helped him stumble inside. Reid was in a daze, ready to fall asleep as soon as he hit the floor.

The warehouse was dark, and it looked like everyone but Hotch and JJ were asleep. JJ immediately ran up to Reid, hugging him tightly. He reciprocated as much as he could through the layers of exhaustion that he was swimming in.

Hotch looked like he wanted to say something, but instead the man just nodded at Reid, concern still seeping through his features.

JJ lead him towards the small, carpeted area where everyone else was curled on the floor, asleep. He heard Hotch and Morgan whispering behind him but couldn't discern what they were saying.

JJ gently pulled him to the floor and his eyes were shut before his body even hit the ground. He felt himself being adjusted as JJ placed her head on his chest and one of her hands began playing with his hair.

But he was too exhausted to even process the affectionate gestures. Instead, Reid let himself, finally, get some rest.

I hope you guys liked this chapter! Reid was less sad than the last, but still sad boi hours for sure...
It was very hard for me to not give Reid some fluff when Morgan came to retrieve him, but next is AK and we're gunna be getting hella fluffy so don't you even worry, our boy is gunna get some reassurance and love and affection real soon!
Have an amazing day and, as always, thank you so much for reading and for all of the love!