THIS IS IT, FINALLY WE'RE AT THE ALASKA EP AND I'M SO EXCITED OMG! I think im going to make this AT LEAST three parts, hopefully four, possibly more than that depending on how I end up spinning this, but get ready for some MAJOR fluff and some much needed affection and love towards Spence from the whole BAU team! This first chap has some fluff, not a ton though cuz we're just getting into it y'all, enjoy some nice angst

S5 E21

PT1

The cold Alaskan weather was not what Reid had signed up for.

Although he'd been excited to see the state, he definitely had not appropriately anticipated the drop in temperature. All he could do was pray that they would finish this case quickly and get back to the slightly warmer weather in DC relatively soon.

Reid pulled his jacket around his body tightly, trying to control his shivering. The team was gathered around the fireplace of Carol's Tavern, discussing the details of the case. But all Reid could focus on was the cold.

And his exhaustion.

They'd all been pulled away from their weekends to jump on this case, but Reid had finally started to get some sleep when he'd been called in.

He was really running on fumes, only staying awake because of the ungodly amount of sugary coffee he'd been forcing into his body.

He was vaguely listening, choosing to stare into the heat of the fire and will its warmth towards himself instead. However, he did tune back in when Carol spoke up about the rooming situation.

"I've got four of the upstairs rooms available."

Reid's brows furrowed together. A while back, the team used to share rooms pretty frequently (he'd become suspicious that it was on purpose to make sure he was sleeping properly, but he never complained about it), but recently that hadn't been the case. As much as Reid had appreciated the older team members keeping tabs on him, with his current case of insomnia and constant anxiety at night, he was not about to share a room with someone.

He might crack.

"Uh, four?" He questioned, hoping that Carol was playing some joke on them.

"Come on, that's the best we can do," Rhodes stated "your team is double the size of my department. I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night, it looks like we'll have to double up" Hotch stated, standing to gather his bag.

A million thoughts began racing through Reid's head. This was worse case scenario. He was going to have to sit and pretend to sleep. He'd be stuck within his mind the whole night.

And there was probably not going to be a way out of it.

He supposed he could probably sneak out of the room if he was with Morgan, the man was such a deep sleeper that he probably wouldn't wake up-

"I'm not sleeping with Reid."

Reid's brows shot up in surprise and a pang of hurt shot through his chest. Why didn't Morgan want to room with him? What had he done that was so horrible that the man felt the need to declare that statement to everyone in the room?

This was a worse feeling than being chosen last during PE class. This was someone who he thought was his friend, no, his family, essentially declaring to the whole team that he hated him. That he couldn't even stand to sleep in the same room as him.

His eyes dropped from Morgan and shifted back to the fire. He was still shivering, but now he was fixated on something other than the cold.

Morgan hated him, and he had no idea why.

The sounds of the room began to drown out as Reid fell into the pit in his mind. He barely registered the movement of the rest of the team, or the side conversations were beginning to occur.

He didn't register that his left hand slowly moved to the crook of his elbow, sluggishly beginning to scratch away at old track marks under his jacket.

His mind was running so fast with thoughts of self-hate and regret that it almost felt like it was at a standstill instead.

Reid probably would've sat in that chair the whole night if Hotch hadn't stayed behind.

The man's hands gently appeared on his forearms, stopping Reid from tearing apart the skin on his own arm. Reid sluggishly pulled his eyes away from the fire, hazily focusing on Hotch, who was squatting down in front of him.

Reid glanced around, noticing everyone had already gone upstairs before glancing back at Hotch again, a confused look plastered on his face.

"Hotch, is everything okay?" Reid asked in a whispered voice, not wanting to break the tranquil silence that filled the tavern, save for the sound of the crackling fire.

Hotch looked mad, or maybe sad, or concerned? Reid wasn't sure, the man barely smiled ever since the incident a few months back, and it was becoming more difficult to read him.

Reid wasn't sure if this was because he'd been cutting himself off from the team, or if it was Hotch's resting bitch face, but he wasn't sure why the man was sitting before him.

"Yes, Reid," Hotch said, cracking a small smile, "I'm alright, are you?"

Reid's brows furrowed. "Yes?"

"That sounded very convincing."
"Hotch I'm f-fine, w-what are you doing down here? Shouldn't you be g-going to bed?"

"Shouldn't you?" Hotch asked, smile dropping from his face.

Reid opened his mouth but promptly closed it as his mind went blank of any clever quip to retort back to the man. Hotch let go of Reid's arms, letting them fall back into his own lap, and stood. He grabbed his own go bag, as well as Reid's, and nodded towards the stairs. When Reid didn't move, Hotch sighed.

"Come on Reid, let's go to bed."

"Huh?"

"You're rooming with me. Let's go."

"What?"
"Spencer."
Reid snapped out of his daze, nodding at the man. Hotch turned and began walking towards the stairs. Reid shook his head at himself in confusion before pushing out of the chair to a standing position. He hovered by the fire for a second more, soaking in as much warmth as he could before shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket and following Hotch.

He slowly climbed the stairs, placing quite a bit of weight on the railing as his knee still wasn't up to much maneuvering. Reid was grateful that he was finally off his crutch and without a cane, but that didn't make climbing up and down slopes or stairs much easier.

By the time he reached the room, Hotch was already pulling out pajamas from his go bag.

Reid stood in the doorway, staring at the room.

It was tiny.

There was a queen-sized bed, a small desk and chair, a very old tv, and a small window with very old and battered curtains hanging around it. He was certain there was no heater at all because it felt like it dropped another twenty degrees in comparison with the hallway and there was only one tiny blanket on the bed. There was also a small bathroom. The room was nice enough, but having to share it with his boss…

Reid awkwardly stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He grabbed his bag off the ground and placed it on the desk. He began rooting around for his pajamas but stopped.

There was no way he was going to get any sleep tonight. Not in this situation. Was it even worth pretending?

Hotch stepped into the bathroom to change and Reid found himself falling into the small wooden chair. He glanced out the window into the darkness of the Alaskan night. He found himself trembling against the cold once more and he once again cursed himself for not bringing more layers.

Reid suddenly rubbed his eyes hard in annoyance at the situation. He felt trapped, he wanted to go wandering and get out of his head like he normally did, but there was no way he could do that here.

Not when Hotch would notice he was missing.

And not when a serial killer was lurking in the night.

Reid groaned in frustration and quickly rooted through his bag, pulling out a book he'd packed. He'd already read it a bunch of times, and he knew every word on the paper, but anything was better than this. He stood, intent to sneak back downstairs to the fireplace before Hotch came out of the bathroom.

Unfortunately, he made his move a moment too late.

Right as Reid began pushing the hotel room's door open, Hotch appeared in the bathroom's doorway. They both froze, Hotch in confusion and Reid in surprise.

"Reid…" Hotch started, clearly having deduced what the agent's plan had been. His eyes shifted down to the book, then to the door before returning to Reid's own, "I've been wanting to speak with you recently, do you mind if we talk now?"

Reid cocked his head in surprise and a pit formed in his stomach. He was probably going to get yelled at for his horrible performance recently, or, even worse, he might get kicked off the team.

He wasn't surprised that the day had come, he knew how they'd all been looking at him differently lately. He knew that he'd become useless in and out of the field, acting more as a liability. He'd just hoped that maybe his worst nightmare had been nothing more than that, a nightmare.

Reid felt a lump building in his throat and tears beginning to form in his eyes. He didn't want to be kicked off the team like the disgrace that he was, but he knew that they'd be better off without him, so he nodded at Hotch, dropping his eye contact and moving back into the hotel room.

He quietly made his way to the chair, shoving his book back in his go bag and wrapping the jacket around himself tightly again.

He was trembling even more now, from the cold as well as the horrible anxiety that was wracking his body. As much as Reid was trying to hide it, he was sure it was blatantly obvious to Hotch that he was shaking profusely.

Reid kept his head bowed in shame, ready for the verbal attack on his performance that he was surely about to receive.

Hotch dropped onto the bed across from Reid, attempting to make eye contact with the younger agent.

"Reid, uh," Hotch started, seemingly uncertain with his words, "the team-" he paused again, rephrasing once more, "I'm worried about you."

Reid's jaw clenched and body wend ridged. Worried? About him? That certainly wasn't what he'd expected.

He closed his eyes, shaking his head at the obviousness of it all; Hotch was worried that he'd become too much of a liability. That had to be it, right?

"You've been acting… different… the past few months. More closed off and reserved. You stopped coming to our out of work team hangouts and your exhaustion is obvious. We had made such good progress with your eating and sleeping, and you seem to have regressed to a worse state than before we were helping you. I don't know what's going on, but I want to help you."

Hotch scootched a little more towards Reid, grabbing his hands and holding them tightly.

"Please, Spencer, please tell me how I can help you. I can't keep watching you fade away and shrivel into a shell of your old self. I can't lose…" He paused, taking a deep breath "I can't lose another person so important to me. You're like my son Spencer, please, please let me help."

Reid felt the tears dripping down his cheeks as he processed the man's words. He kept his head dipped so that Hotch wouldn't see his tears, but he knew it was inevitable.

One of Hotch's hands left his and made its way under Reid's chin. He gently tilted the younger man's chin up, face softening immensely when he saw the wetness on his cheeks and the redness of his eyes.

"Can… Spencer can I hug you?" Hotch asked softly. Reid nodded slowly and the man immediately gathered him into his arms. He pulled him off the chair and onto the ground, wrapping him as tightly as he possibly could.

At first, Reid just sat there in shock. He still couldn't believe that Hotch hadn't fired him. The man was worried about him. He'd noticed, they'd all noticed him struggling. They all cared that he was struggling, they wanted to help him.

As the words finally processed in Reid's brain, he felt his composure slip away. His arms quickly wrapped around Hotch, returning the hug tightly and he buried his face in the man's shoulder. He cried quietly but allowed all of his pent-up sadness and self-loathing to flow out of him.

He gripped onto Hotch like a lifeline, sobbing onto the man's t-shirt.

Hotch in turn managed to pull Reid into his lap, rocking him back and forth, quietly shushing him as he let the kid get his emotions out.

It had been obvious to him that the kid had fallen into a depressed rut for some time, but he hadn't realized how bad it had gotten until recently.

He really hadn't been the same since he'd been shot in the knee a few months prior. Hotch initially thought that it was just the frustration of not being able to be active in the field, which he completely understood. But when it began morphing and seemingly getting worse, he knew that that couldn't be the only thing dragging the kid's mood down in the dumps.

When Reid had wandered off alone in San Francisco, red flags had gone up everywhere. He'd been all too casual about the incident, and when he'd gotten back, exhausted and almost hypothermic, Hotch knew that they needed to do something soon.

The kid was becoming very self-destructive.

It was probably good that he wasn't cleared to be back in the field yet because he was way too reckless. Reid was already pretty rash with his own safety before, constantly taking his vest off and throwing himself in the line of fire in attempts to save unsubs from themselves, but with this behavior? It was almost suicidal.

Morgan and him had discussed it that night, and they had spoken to the rest of the team about the issue at the team dinner the following day (one of the many times in which Reid had made up a lame excuse to not take part in the group activity).

Turns out all of them had been worried about him for a while now, but they'd either not known how to approach him about it, or he'd somehow gotten out of answering their questions when they'd finally cornered Reid.

Regardless, Hotch knew that something had to be done as soon as possible, or else they were going to end up losing the kid like they'd lost so many good agents before.

Now it was clear to him that this went much deeper than simple frustration about his injury. This was something else entirely.

Reid continued sobbing into Hotch's shoulder for almost a half hour before he began to calm down. Tears were still flowing, and he was hiccupping every once in a while, but it seemed like the majority of his tears had fallen.

When his breathing had almost evened out, Hotch loosened his grip on Reid, allowing the kid to have some space if he wanted it. Reid sat up a little straighter, separating from Hotch, but still kept his head down, allowing his long, unruly hair to cover his face.

Hotch shifted his body, uncomfortable from being on the floor. "Why don't we move to the bed and then you can tell me what's going on in that head of yours, sound good?" he asked delicately.

Reid nodded. Hotch stood then slowly helped Reid up, and the two of them sat down on the bed.

Reid pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around them, and rested his chin atop his knees. It looked like he was hugging himself, he looked so tiny curled up like that. He was trembling slightly, Hotch wasn't sure if it was from the cold or from all of the emotion he let out, but he had to fight the urge to wrap him up in a blanket like a child.

He took a deep breath, slowly lifting his head and stealing a glance at Hotch. The man had nothing but kindness and encouragement in his eyes. Reid wasn't even sure where he should start, he'd been spiraling for so long now and there was so many areas to cover…

He clenched his jaw, swallowing the lump in his throat before he began.

"I g-guess I've just been f-feeling kinda useless lately…" Reid whispered, voice cracking slightly. "I mean, I can't go in the field and I haven't been very helpful with profiling or victimology…"

He trailed off, but suddenly began chuckling a bit at himself, "I guess it's just funny that I'm supposed to be the genius of the group but I'm really just a liability." The smile dropped from his face and he shifted his eyes, staring at the drab quilt on the bed.

He bit his lip, trying to find the proper words to voice his grief without giving too much of himself away.

"I just… I know you guys are better off without me, but I can't seem to make myself leave. I know its selfish of me to stay but I just don't know how I could keep living without you all. And I know that's childish and stupid, I shouldn't rely on you all so much. You all have lives and family and friends outside of work but me…" he stopped that thought in it's tracks, not wanting to go down that road.

"My whole life I thought that this was what I wanted to do, that I'd be good at helping to catch the bad guys… but what happens when you catch them, and they stay with you? How am I supposed to do this job when I can't get a good night's rest because I wake up with nightmares, or I can't eat because even the thought of food-" Reid swallowed the nausea building in his throat.

The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes, Hotch allowing Reid time to process his thoughts and continue speaking freely about his emotions. He knew it was hard for him to speak this candidly with anyone about emotions, and he wasn't about to interrupt his thought process.

Reid thought back to that night not too long ago, when he'd almost dropped off the side of the bridge. He thought about what drove him to that, how defeated he felt, the hatred he'd felt for himself. He wasn't sure he knew how to express those feelings to Hotch, but maybe if he told him about that night… maybe it would help the man understand.

He turned to look at Hotch, making eye contact with him for the first time in a while. He clenched his jaw, taking a deep breath before starting. "I almost…" his breath caught in his throat, freezing on the words. He bit his lip, looking down at the bedsheet once more.

His words came out this time, but they were much quieter than before.

"I almost killed myself, Hotch."

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW
IM SO SORRY I ENDED IT RIGHT THERE
IT WAS JUST SUCH A GOOD STOPPING POINT AND I COULDNT HELP MYSELF
I really hope you guys liked this first part, don't worry, I am already working on the next part right now at this exact moment, so I'm not going to make y'all sit on the cliffhanger for too terribly long.
As always thank you all for all of the incredible love and support, you are all amazing and such lovely human beings and I hope you have a wonderful day!
thank you for indulging me and allowing me to be horrible and leave you on a cliffy like that