TW mentions of kind of attempted suicide? Just be advised! We got some callbacks to the recent chapters in s5 in this new chapter, and im excited for yall to see how Reid finally begins opening up to Hotch and receives some reassurance and love! We're also gunna have a little bit of Hotch POV to get some insight into what he's been thinking through this whole thing. Had he noticed Reid was acting weird? Or was he completely oblivious? I guess you'll find out!

PT2

The silence that filled the room as palpable.

Hotch was stunned.

Reid had really tried to kill himself? The kid was so down and depressed that he'd almost… Hotch couldn't even fathom the idea of Reid doing that.

He placed a hand gently on Reid's shoulder, still in a loss for words. He had no idea that his depressed state had been that bad, that he'd felt so desperate to escape life that he'd thought about dying.

Hotch still wasn't sure what to say, but he felt like he needed to prompt Reid to continue, or else they'd continue sitting in silence.

"Spencer, please look at me," Reid turned very somber eyes towards Hotch, making eye contact with him. He looked ashamed of himself. "Please tell me what happened. I need to know what I can do to help you, so that you don't feel that helpless anymore."

He gripped the kid's shoulder a little tighter in desperation, "I love you Spencer, you're like a son to me. I hope that you know how much I care about you; I don't know what I would do if I lived in a world without Spencer Reid in it."

Reid smiled sadly, sniffing a little before nodding. He bit his lip, thinking back to that night.

"It was kind of an accident. I mean, it wasn't an accident because I stopped myself, but I didn't go to that bridge with the intent of jumping off it, I swear" he stated, looking deeply into Hotch's eyes like that was the most important thing in the world.

Hotch nodded at him, encouraging him to continue.

"I was just out for a walk. It was after the Atlantic City case and I just had a lot of thoughts running through my brain… I've been having, uh, a lot of nightmares recently about… various things… and I couldn't just sit in my apartment and stare at the wall anymore. Sometimes I get trapped in my head, and it's terrifying…" Reid said, voice suddenly becoming very small as though his mind were the most frightening thing he'd faced.

Hotch cocked his head at this, but ultimately stowed that information for later, he wasn't going to interrupt the kid's story at this point. It was too important, they needed to stay on track.

Reid shook his head, returning to his dialogue, "So I decided to go for a walk and clear my head. It was like three in the morning, and it probably wasn't the smartest decision, but the logical part of my brain wasn't really functioning. So, I left and just started walking. I ended up in a park that I, uh, frequent, and I was just kind of wandering when I came across an area I hadn't been to before."
Reid's eyes lit up a bit at the thought of how picturesque that night had been. "The sky was so beautiful; it was so dark out that you could see every star. But the moon was full so I could still see where I was walking. I came across this raging river that I'd never been to before and there was this… bridge. Uh, I walked onto it and… I mean, I just wasn't really thinking at all about consequences or danger, I don't really know how to explain it. I just felt really… numb, and it was nice. It was really peaceful. I hadn't felt so calm in a while. So, I climbed up on the railing and sat there and just stared at the sky and the river."

He stopped suddenly, hands fidgeting with one another and Reid's gaze dropped to the bed's quilt, suddenly studying it like it was a detailed artefact.

After a pause, he managed to continue.

"I just felt so peaceful, not feeling anything. And I guess something in the back of my mind thought that I could eternally be numb like that if I just let myself slide off the railing…" Reid swallowed, dipping his head even further in shame.

He could feel the stare of Hotch on him, but he couldn't risk looking at the man.

"I started to let go, but my brain turned itself back on and I ended up throwing myself in the opposite direction instead. When I hit the concrete, it kinda brought me back to reality and I realized what a stupid mistake I'd almost made, but… I don't know… I keep thinking about how easy it would've been for me to just let go, how much better the world would have been if I'd just let myself fall…"

Reid ended his monologue, clearly finished with his story. He was gnawing on his lip with anxiety, waiting for Hotch to react to his stupidity. He thought for sure he'd be getting yelled at in some capacity now, but another part of him was telling him that wouldn't happen.

Not after how supportive Hotch was being.

Reid risked a glance up at Hotch. The man was sitting there, still as ever, staring at Reid. There was anguish written all over his face and he was obviously distressed by the story.

As soon as the two of them made eye contact, Hotch pulled him into another tight hug.

Reid's body awkwardly fell into the man, but he quickly leaned against him, wrapping his skinny arms around the man's waist.

The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes, the echoes of Reid's story bouncing around each of their minds. It felt like forever before Hotch broke the silence.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that alone."

Reid backed away from Hotch a bit so that he could look at the man's face. Hotch still kept his arms wrapped around Reid, just in a looser fashion to allow him mobility. Hotch swallowed before speaking again.

"I wish I would've noticed you were struggling sooner so that you wouldn't have gone through that at all. I hope you know that, regardless of anything else going on in my life, you can always reach out and ask me for help." Hotch looked pointedly at Reid as he said this.

It was clear to him that this was most likely why Reid hadn't reached out to anyone in the first place.

He'd gotten so good at asking for help, it was crazy that all of the sudden he would do a full 180 and go back to trying to be a lone wolf. But after the Foyet situation… He was certain that Reid probably felt like it would be too much of a burden to ask him for help.

Of course, Reid was never a burden, in fact if Hotch could legally adopt him, he probably would.

But Reid always assumed people didn't like him, or that he burdened them in some way.

This was probably due to his absent father and constant bullying he received throughout his schoolyears, and Hotch had tried to get the kid to stop thinking this way. However, he wasn't going to shift his view of himself overnight.

Hotch pulled him back into a tight hug once more.

Reid leaned into the man's chest, still trembling slightly but beginning to relax in his arms. He sniffed, blinking his eyes rapidly to stop any tears that were beginning to form again.

He was glad that he told Hotch about that night. And the man's reaction was more comforting than he'd anticipated. He hated to drag Hotch into his emotional turmoil but felt thankful that the man had reached out. He hadn't realized how deep into this depression he'd sunk.

Now it felt like someone had finally realized he was drowning, and they we're throwing him a life preserver. There might be a light at the end of this dark tunnel, there might be happiness waiting for him again.

Reid smiled into Hotch's shoulder, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Thanks, Hotch." He said, his voice muffled by the man's shirt.

"It's gunna be okay Spencer, I promise." Hotch vowed, "We're going to help you through this, it's going to get better."

Reid nodded, gripping the man tightly for a second more before loosening his hug. Hotch mimicked his movement, allowing Reid to back away.

His eyes were rimmed red, but he gave a small smile at his father figure in thanks. Hotch looked down at his hands, reaching out to grab them, but he stopped.

Reid's eyebrows shot up in confusion as he looked down. Then it hit him; the scars all over his right hand from when he'd punched his mirror not too long ago.

The cuts had finally healed, and the bruises faded, but his knuckles were now littered with scars. He'd managed to keep the team from noticing up until now, choosing to keep his hands tucked away in his pockets or encased in gloves instead.

But now they we're out for Hotch to see, and the man was obviously taken aback by the mess.

Hotch very gently grabbed his right hand in his own, tracing over the scars with his thumb. His brows scrunched together in concern and confusion, and he looked up at Reid for answers.

Reid looked away, once again feeling ashamed for his actions. "I punched my mirror… a lot." He said, voice small and shaking.

"When…?" Hotch asked, voice catching in his throat.

"Uh, after the case with Dante. After JJ got hurt because-" his voice caught in his throat as he felt guilt sweep through his body once again. He still hadn't forgiven himself for letting JJ get injured like that, even if she had fully recovered and was completely okay.

She'd still gotten hurt because of his stupidity.

"I just, uh, got r-really mad and… it was an accident at first but then I kept punching, I c-couldn't stop myself I just…" Reid trailed off, unsure of what else he could say to justify his actions to Hotch.

Hotch cleared his throat, causing Reid to look up at him. His thumb was still gently tracing over his scarred knuckles. "Reid, this was that day that none of us could reach you wasn't it? When Rossi invited us to dinner, and you said you were busy and then told us you just burned your hand?"

Reid's cheeks tinged red as he found himself caught within the lie he'd strung. He nodded, looking down at the quilt in embarrassment.

"I was going to come check on you." Hotch shook his head at himself in disbelief, "Damnit! I was going to come check on you, but I believed you when you said nothing was wrong. I should've seen through that Spencer, with how down you were on yourself during the plane ride home?... I am so sorry."

Reid shook his head and quietly stated, "you have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't make me punch my mirror" his mouth quirked into a smile for a moment, but it was so brief, Hotch thought he might've imagined it.

Hotch let go of his hand, instead grabbing his shoulder and squeezing in reassurance. He'd like to continue this discussion, but it was clear that Reid was physically and emotionally drained. Hopefully he could get the kid to sleep some and they could resume this conversation in the morning.

"Why don't you change out of those clothes and let's try to get some sleep, alright?"

Reid nodded, shifting off the bed. He walked to his go bag, digging through it to find the pajamas he'd packed. Once he got them, he quickly slipped into the bathroom to change.

He stripped off his work clothing, immediately shivering when the cold air in the bathroom hit his body. As quickly as he could, Reid pulled on the sweatpants and t-shirt he'd brought.

He continued shivering and realized that he was definitely about to be cold all through the night.

Reid cursed himself under his breath, why couldn't he have just brought a few more layers?

He stepped out of the small bathroom, making his way towards his bag. He stuffed his old clothing inside but willed a sweater to appear somewhere within it.

After digging around his belongings for a few moments, he realized that he was not going to magically procure a jacket, and he'd just have to deal with the low temperatures.

Reid turned to face Hotch, who was still sitting on the bed. The man was rifling through his own go bag, apparently looking for something.

Reid looked at the floor. There was a very small space for someone to curl up on. He figured he might as well let Hotch have the bed, he was the older of the two and would probably actually sleep through the night, so it didn't make sense that he would take the bed-

"Spencer," Reid's head shot up, making eye contact with Hotch. "Here." The man chucked something at him, and he awkwardly caught it before he fully processed what was happening.

It was a very soft sweatshirt.

Reid blushed, realizing that it was painfully obvious to the man how cold he was. His whole body had been trembling all day, and he was certain it was probably especially obvious now that he was standing in a t-shirt.

"Are you sure you don't need this?" he asked awkwardly.
"I'm not cold, but you clearly are. Please, just take it," Hotch smiled, "otherwise it's just going to sit in my bag all night."

Reid nodded, slipping it over his head. He immediately sighed at the warmth it provided him, shivers fended off for the most part.

"Thanks." He stated quietly, wrapping his arms around himself. "Um, I can take the floor-"

"Oh, please Reid, I'm not letting you sleep on the ground." Hotch patted the bed, beckoning him to sit next to him. "Plus, I'm pretty sure you won't sleep if I leave you alone down there, and you clearly need rest so…"

Reid nodded, blushing at the statement. Hotch was right though, he did need rest, and he wouldn't sleep alone on the floor.

He made his way over to the bed again, slipping underneath the very light quilt. He was very thankful for the sweatshirt now; this quilt was not helping at all with the cold temperature.

Hotch got under the covers too, quickly slipping one arm around Reid and, before the younger agent could process the movement, pulling him atop his chest like they had done months ago.

Reid tensed, body still quaking from the cold. He felt a little awkward at first, but quickly began to melt as he leaned against Hotch's warm body and the man began running his hands through his hair.

The tension left his body rapidly, and soon he was leaning into Hotch as much as was humanly possible.

Hotch turned off the light, but continued carding through the kid's messy hair. It wasn't long before Reid's breathing evened out and he began snoring very softly. Hotch looked down at the shadowed outline of the kid.

He'd missed this. And clearly Reid had too

No matter how much he might deny it, Reid clearly relied on their affection more than they'd realized. Probably more than even he realized.

And they'd let him fall into such a dark place because they were busy with their own problems and had wrongfully assumed that Reid didn't need these moments anymore. He'd slipped out of their view, and they'd all let him.

Hotch frowned, shaking his head at all of the information Reid had shared with him. He'd keep a very watchful eye on him from now on, and he'd encourage the rest of the team to do the same.

Clearly the kid still didn't know how to take care of himself, and he had such a skewed perception of himself, they'd need to work on that as well.

He'd been distant recently, sure, but that didn't mean Reid had stopped checking in on all of them.

When he'd lost Haley, Reid had continuously made sure he was doing okay, and even came over to hang out with Jack whenever he could.

He was at JJ's helping with Henry as often as possible, and he was always checking in with Prentiss, Rossi, Garcia, and Morgan to make sure they were doing okay as well.

But they'd all stopped checking in on him.

When Reid had been shot in the leg, no one had really batted an eye because he'd been in the hospital as well, and they had to deal with moving his family into witness protection. Reid acted like he didn't care that no one checked in, and he never complained about his knee.

But clearly his injury, and being tied to the desk, had weighed more heavily on him than he'd let them see.

It was clear that Reid was still suffering the damages of growing up essentially alone, his self-esteem hitting rock bottom as he constantly undervalued himself and his contributions to the team.

But he had a family now, and they needed to look out for their youngest member. They couldn't let him fade away, they couldn't lose him because of their ignorance.

Hotch pulled Reid a little closer, holding the sleeping boy tightly in his arms. He'd speak to the rest of the team in the morning about Reid's fragile mental state.

They had to stay focused on the case, but when they got back to DC, they'd needed to have a team bonding session of some sort, and he'd force Reid to show up this time.

They needed to show Reid that he mattered, and that they cared about him. To reenforce the validity of his emotions and tell him that it was okay that he was struggling, but that they were there to help him when he needs it.

Hotch smiled, thanking whatever was out there that had been looking after Reid on the night that he'd almost let himself fall. He wasn't sure what he'd do without the young agent, or how any of them would get by without him.

But he'd make sure that Reid got better. He'd make sure that Reid would one day understand his importance to all of them.

And that was a promise.

Thank you guys for reading and for sticking with me for 41 chapters!
Thank you for all of the lovely comments too! It truly brightens my day each time I see y'all comment and I am so grateful for you all!
I cannot wait for the next chapter, I am having so much fun with this multipart fic and im so happy Reid is opening up