Disclaimer: I'm only playing in Pat's beautiful playground.

Chapter 13: Road to Renere

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Windward Square. I had heard it mentioned in the taproom in snatches of conversation, the name flying briefly between the lips of men as they made small talk. "It was packed at Windward Square today." "There's no caravans leaving the square tonight, just a small expedition to Tinue. Stuck here, aren't I?" "Windward Square was full of ravel bastards this morning. No decent folk planning journeys out for several days time. The roads are going to shit." Windward Square. I gathered it was a main hub of travel. My best chance for leaving the city today. Before I checked anywhere else, I had to check there.

It took me a while to track it down. Mirien is not a large city by any means, but I had barely stepped foot outside the Mare for all the years I spent there. By the time I found it, it was early dawn.

Windward Square was large. Bigger than I expected. It was enclosed by tall buildings on every side with eight roads leading out in different directions. The ground was made up of cobblestones, worn down with use. It was early, but even in the grey pre-dawn light, I could make out several caravans loading up to go. Horses stamped their feet and tossed their heads, their neighs echoing between the buildings.

I stood there for a long moment, eyeing the scene before me. It was entirely surreal. As foreign to me as the young girl I had once been. It was a crossroads of sorts. But I had not the barest sense of where to go. In the faint light the dawn cast upon me, I didn't even recognize myself. But the sun was rising, and soon bells would ring out over the church and the city would awaken. I twisted a familiar ring around my finger, fixed my hood more securely around my head, and stepped out into the square.

"One talent and six."

I blanched at that, my hands squeezing hard against my purse. "And— and to Severen?"

"The full ride? Three even."

"That's ridiculous!" I said indignantly. "The distance between Renere and Severen is…"

The man gave me an appraising look, and I trailed off nervously. He smiled.

"Are you going to quote maps at me, girly, or do you need a ride? I thought you were in a hurry. What'll it be?"

I bit my lip, looking around the square again. He followed my gaze.

"You're free to look round, but I'll be heading out in the next fifteen minutes. If you want to hop on this ride, it's one and six. Three even for Severen. I'll let you think it over."

He turned away, walking toward the nearest wagon where a dark-haired man was securing a horse to its harness and spoke to him gruffly. I reached for Derren's purse and did some quick calculations. One and six. It was more than all my coins combined. What I had considered a veritable fortune wasn't even nearly enough to get out of this god-forsaken town. Either that, or this man was taking horrible advantage of me. But not a single other caravan in the square looked ready to leave, and I needed to be gone before anyone from the Mare came looking.

Where, though? That was the question. Renere was the obvious choice. Too obvious. It was exactly what they would expect. Exactly where they would go looking. And if Derren was to be believed, there was nothing left there for me anyway. But still, how could I move forward without stepping back? I had to make sure. There was always the possibility that Derren had lied to me. I couldn't not check. What if… what if they were alive? The thought was enough to spark the smallest bit of hope in my heart. I couldn't just go. Not without knowing for sure. And besides, I didn't have money enough to go to Severen, even if I did dip into Derren's purse…

With a sigh, I reached inside the soft leather pouch and counted out one and six from Derren's money. It almost emptied out the purse, but if that was the cost of escape, I would take it. I handed the coins to the man when he returned, and he gave me a pleased smile, shook my hand, and introduced himself as Wint before directing me to a wagon.

"Be in there with your bags in ten minutes, or we're leaving without you," he said seriously. I nodded. "What's your name, girly?"

"Dy— Dalia," I mumbled.

"Well, pleasure to meet you, Dalia."

Then he hurried off, catching up to several men who were loading boxes into the wagon next to mine. Since I had no luggage, I climbed into the back of the first wagon and settled in against its soft canvass side. There were no other passengers.

True to Wint's word, in ten minutes time his entire three-wagon caravan rolled out of Windward Square and headed up the road toward Mirien's northern gate. The morning bells were just beginning to chime.

The gates were opening for the day when we reached the city limits. The sun was creeping into the sky, casting light across a clear blue canvass. It would be a beautiful day.

I slunk back into the wagon as Wint bantered with the guards at the gate. The exchange seemed endless. The gates creaked open slower than molasses. My heart pounded painfully as the minutes passed, beating out an anxious tattoo against my throat. Surely the alarm would be rung any moment. The guards would come running. It would all be over for me. I felt shaky and weak, as if my thoughts were chains of cold iron holding me down.

It was only when the horses stepped forward at last and we made our slow way through the gates… Only when we trotted down the road for several miles and hours… Only when the sun rose high in the sky and the road grew empty around us, that I felt the claws of anxious panic unclench from around my heart at last. I sat at the back of the wagon and gazed at the empty miles of road stretching out behind us, and felt a weight lift off my chest.

Mirien was behind me now. And whatever awaited me in Renere, no matter how hard it would undoubtedly be, had to be better than what I'd left behind.

With the sun shining brightly overhead, I let the canvas hangings fall closed and sank wearily to the wooden wagon bed. It was hard and rough, and it swayed and shuddered beneath me, jostling me with every pothole. It was the best thing I had felt in three long years. I wrapped myself in the cloak and let my eyes fall closed as I drifted into an exhausted sleep. The darkness behind my eyelids was red. I dreamt of blood and loss, and dark things that left me teary and shaken. But I slept.

It took a full span to reach Renere. We stopped at several small towns along the way, and I made use of the opportunity to buy an outfit better suited for the road, some underthings, and shoes that were more sensible for walking and didn't look as though they belonged to a fancy whore. I brought a small travelsack to put my extra things in. The lot cost me my quarter bit and three pennies, but it was coin well spent.

We arrived in Renere on a warm and sunny afternoon. It took over an hour to get through the long queue at the gate and then make our slow way up the King's Court Road until we reached Court Circle, in the center of the Imperial Plaza. I watched the familiar sights roll by, an odd ache spreading through my chest. It had been so long since I had seen these streets. I had walked these cobblestones so many times as a young girl. With Mother. With Denna. Most recently, with Father's hand clasped firmly around mine. But that girl was gone. And the streets looked wild and foreign. Jarringly different from my memories.

Wint's caravan drew to a stop at the center of Court Circle, and I got anxiously to my feet, my small travelsack slung across one shoulder. I hopped down from the wagon bed and turned, gazing around at the bustling market spread out across the plaza until my eyes were drawn to the royal palace across the way. My hands shook and I turned away, finding Wint behind me.

He offered me a small smile. "Running off on us, are you?"

I smiled back. "This is it for me. But I wasn't going to leave without saying goodbye."

He nodded. "Severen. Do you still want to go?"

"Oh, I—"

"You're a sweet girl, Dalia," he amended. "I was a bit brisk with you in Mirien, but if this isn't your final destination I shouldn't like to leave you stranded in a city such as this. So Severen, I can take you if you'd like. Just four jots more. Two even."

"Oh…" I paused, contemplating it. It was significantly less than what he'd offered me before. Severen was far enough away. Different enough to offer the sunny safety of anonymity where Renere loomed over me like a gaping shadow. Who knew what dangers lay hidden within its depths. But I had committed to this path. I had to see it through.

"Thank you, Wint," I said finally. "That is kind. But I'm exactly where I need to be."

"Then this is where I'll leave you." He offered me his hand, and I clasped it before stepping in and throwing my arms around him. He seemed surprised, but hugged me back.

"Thank you," I said again, my eyes tearing up. He had taken me away from a place that wanted to tear me apart. He had offered safety, company, and easy laughter around campfires every night. And I had seen the warm heart he hid behind his gruff exterior. I wished there were better words to express my gratitude. But I couldn't think of any, so I merely hugged him tight for a moment more before stepping back. I brushed surreptitiously at my cheeks and waved before turning to walk away.

"Dalia!"

I turned back.

"If you change your mind, we'll be here till nightfall."

"Will you spend the night?" I asked.

"Nah," he said, shaking his head. "We're not as rich as all that. We have a warm fire to sit by and fine wagons for sleeping. Plenty enough for us. Eighth bell. Come back by then if you find Renere isn't to your liking."

I smiled. "Goodbye, Wint."

Then I turned and walked out of the plaza at last, my feet following a worn path from another life.

It was a long walk from the Imperial Plaza to our old house. It took me nearly two hours of steadily weaving through the streets. The anxiety in my chest pounded in rhythm with my movements, clawing deeper with every step. What would I find? Was Father gone after all? Did I want to see him if he wasn't? Would he turn me right over to Derren's men again if he saw me? I considered turning around. I had considered it already, more times than I could count. But I pushed ahead, just as I had done then. Seeing was knowing. And knowing was believing.

I turned the corner onto a once-familiar street and froze, staring. For a moment, I couldn't find the house. In its place, there was a two-story thing of mutely painted blues with fresh white shutters. A shining slate roof. Glass in the windows. I stared, trying to make sense of it. Had I lost my way after all? Taken a wrong turn? But no, the house beside this blue beauty was the same one-story structure I remembered. Faded pink wooden walls. It looked horribly shabby in comparison. And wasn't the shape of the porch still the same? The door unchanged beneath a fresh coat of paint?

I could see it now. The bones of it still stood, simply clad in new skin. Grown to new heights. I edged past it nervously, my eyes trailing down the walkway to the back. Yes, I could see the shape of our yard down the path, seemingly wild in the fresh grip of spring. At odds with the beauty of the house. As if the pretty blue facade was just a mask.

I stopped on the street and stared. Father couldn't… couldn't possibly have fixed it so. How many royals would this have cost? I stepped slowly back, my eyes trained on the blue siding.

Tried to bring him back to the Path after he lost the house.

Oh Tehlu… was it really true?

Bitter cold crawled up my arms, digging itself deep into my chest. I felt the spark of hope in my heart flicker. I thought about turning around for the hundredth time. I could leave now, catch Wint. Make my way in Severen. And what would I do? Sing? Would that be enough to earn a living?

The questions whirled furiously in my mind as I backed away from the house. But what of Grandmother and Grandfather? Could I leave without knowing? I knew the answer to that. Had known it in every mile that fell away beneath the wheels of Wint's wagon. Whatever future I dared imagine, the whole of it hinged on this certainty. This knowing. And this blue facade, too, was not enough.

I lingered, debating if I dared knock on the door. For all I knew, Derren had somehow claimed the house for himself. It certainly looked rich enough. Perhaps it would be better to keep an eye on it for a bit to see if I could spot its inhabitants. Or better yet, I could walk to Tehlu Town first. Face whatever awaited me there…

I was still lost in thought when I heard the creak of a door. The sound was so familiar, it sent me spiraling through the intervening years, until I was a scared little girl again, the door at my back and Derren's face looming over me. Oh, the house might look different, but it was the same door. Right down to the screws.

I turned to see a small child running out onto the porch of what had once been my home. He ran to the edge of the railing, hung over it, and let out a shrill laugh. It was the most innocent sound I had ever heard. A woman hurried out after him. She was tall, with delicate features and fine sandy hair. She grabbed the boy and pulled him back onto the safety of the porch, reprimanding him softly. Then she straightened up and saw me frozen steps from her walk.

"Can I help you?"

There was a slight accent to her words. Modegan, unless I missed my guess. She stared at me, frowning.

"Sorry," I said quickly, my mind spinning with a poor array of excuses. I tugged at Mother's ring, its weight reassuring on my finger. "No, I'm… I'm a little lost, I think…"

"Who are you looking for?" she asked, her hand still tight on her son's. He looked at me in confusion, the smile on his face dwindling.

"No one, I… Do you live here?"

She frowned at that. "Who are you?"

"Is this your house?" I pressed, ignoring her question.

"I don't see how that's any business of yours," she said stiffly. "I think it would be best if you left. You're scaring my son."

I stood frozen, questions surging beneath the surface of my skin. I wanted to ask her how long it had been her house. How long had it looked so tall and blue? Did she know what had happened to… to Father?

I unconsciously took a step forward, my hand stretching out slightly, as if to grasp at a long-lost family.

"Now really," she insisted, pulling the child behind her. "Please be on your way. Or I'll have my husband remove you."

I stared at her blankly.

"He's on the city watch, you know," she added. "And they haven't the time to deal with good-for-nothing ravel. Go on, get out of here!"

She firmly pulled her son back into the house and slammed the door behind her. I saw the flicker of a curtain behind the window glass. She was watching me. It took me several moments to emerge from my stupefied stupor.

Stupid. I was so bloody stupid.

I hurried away, pulling the hood over my face as I went. My heart was in my throat, my mind too busy running to think. It was exactly what I needed; loudly announcing my arrival within hours of entering the city. I shouldn't have talked to her. I had to be more careful. To take my time. I couldn't simply knock on Grandparents' door either.

But there was no door to knock on when I got to Tehlu Town. There was no house. Just a black scar burnt into the ground. Splintered pieces of wooden bone clawing up at the sky. The neighboring houses were gone too, charred earth stretching out in both directions. It must have been months, but it somehow all still smelled faintly of smoke.

Derren… had told me the truth.

I broke then. I don't remember much, even now. The pain of it was too intense. Too raw. Like a rush of water; hard and harsh, and impossible to hold. I couldn't take it with me. Even the piercing clarity of the denner isn't enough to bring it all back. I remember the shape of it but not the thing itself. I thank Tehlu for that, because if I had to lose Grandmother and Grandfather one more time, with all the sharp edges intact, I don't think I could do it. Wake up. Put the denner down. Whatever it is. I already dread the waking that's surely coming, whenever this painfully lucid dream of remembering withdraws its claws at last. It's all too much. I don't know if I'm strong enough. At least not on my own.

And the only solace is him; Kvothe. Love me or not, he'll be there come morning. Dependable as bread. The only one who's come back, again and again. The only one, if I'm being honest, that I can trust with at least a piece of it all. In the morning… perhaps I'll tell him everything.

But I do remember that it broke me. That time slipped away as I stumbled through the graveyard of ash. I remember the ground, black and barren. Coated with pieces of burnt wood. Chunks of broken stone. The landscape black and grey and empty. And I was empty too. Empty is all I remember feeling. Everything else is lost to time. Lost to forgetting. Locked, perhaps, behind some door in my mind.