It was hard to believe that just a few hours ago I was wrapped tightly in Howard's arms, feeling hopeful that something in my life might finally work out. Now, as I sped across the New Jersey countryside, camp Lehigh and everything I'd known for the past few months falling into the distance, I felt alone. This was nothing new, I'd felt alone before. I felt alone when my father had died. I felt alone when a knock came at the door, followed swiftly by my mother's cries as she realised she would never see her son again, and I would certainly feel alone many more times in my life. But this time was different, because I knew I was wrong. I wasn't alone. Though they may soon be far across the oceans, the people I cared for would never leave my side, nothing truly. I'd never truly be alone again.
The journey to England was incredibly uneventful to say the least. Once I had arrived at the New York Harbour, everything seemed to go by in a blur. I was quickly ushered towards the waiting ship, my luggage carried from the car to the gangway where I was promptly abandoned with vague directions to my cabin. Admittedly it had taken longer than it should have for me to find my room, but the suddenness of the whole situation had thrown me a little, leaving me in somewhat of a daze. I'd spent an unnecessary amount of time sitting on my bed trying to wrap my head around everything, paying little attention to the noises of the ship around me. After my bum started to feel numb and my brain had run out of thoughts, I eventually dragged myself from my room, deciding that, after those few hours of stasis, a bit of fresh air and a roam around would be good for me. A fifteen day boat journey wouldn't be tolerable if I locked myself in my room the entire time.
I was surprised to find that the fifteen days flew by, the hours filled occupying myself with strolls around the ship, brief passing conversations with some of the soldiers on board and meetings with the team I had unexpectedly become the leader of. If there was one thing I had learned from this, it was that Italy was going to be some of the hardest work I had ever done. I'd never been one to shy away from responsibility, taking any opportunity to prove I could handle any situation. However in this case, the decisions I made directly correlated with men's lives. That put the pressure on just a little bit. I'd tried to push this aspect of the job from my mind, focusing instead on how my Taskforce would do everything within their power to help our boys win this fight. We would win this fight.
I awoke the morning of our last day at sea, roused by the excited chatter coming from the hallways and neighbouring cabins. There could only be one explanation for this kind of excitement. We had arrived.
I quickly hopped from my sheets, throwing on my uniform and tidying up my hair and face before slipping out of my compartment. I had already packed by bags before I went to sleep the previous night, anticipating that it might be an early start. I slipped through the hallways, offering anyone I passed a curt nod and a smile, receiving more than one 'Ma'am' or 'Agent Moore' in response. It seemed everyone knew who I was around here. It also seemed that talk of Howard and I's... I still wasn't even sure what to call it, had made the rounds of the ship, with quiet chatter about the subject passing between groups. I'd quite happily ignored all talk, always finding something else to turn the conversation to, or just removing myself from the conversation entirely. I wasn't embarrassed and I certainly wouldn't deny it - not entirely - if someone asked, but I wasn't one to spill the details of my personal life to complete strangers. I struggled enough divulging it to Peggy and she's my best friend.
I reached the deck of the ship fairly quickly, rushing over to the edge to catch my first glimpse of the green fields and white cliffs that welcomed me back. Welcomed me home. I felt a rush of relief and excitement wash over me as I noticed the Port of Dover in the near distance, my chest swelling with happiness at once again seeing the shores of my home country. We were lucky enough to get almost a week here, giving us some time to relax and enjoy ourselves before we headed back out to sea. I was certainly planning on making the most of it, not wanting to waste a second of my time whilst I was here.
There was an air of excitement amongst all the passengers, soldiers and civilians alike, as we pulled into port. For most of the Americans, this was the first time they had ever stepped foot out of their homeland, which I could imagine was both exhilarating and daunting at the same time. I couldn't help but laugh at some of the conversations I overheard as we were disembarking. The tall tales being shared of British women were really something, leaving the men who didn't have a girl to go home to, excited to see if they could try their luck winning the heart of an English las. I, however, only had one plan for whilst I was back here. Homesickness had started to kick in not long after I got to America, though how busy I had been had helped immensely to quell those feelings. I had too much to do to think about that nonsense. Though now I was back here, there was nothing more I wanted than to spend some quality time with someone familiar, and I knew just the person.
Once again I'd been given my own car, which I'm sure had been instructed to take me straight to the hotel myself and my team had been put up at while we were here. The rest of the soldiers were being welcomed to the Princess Royal Barracks, in Surrey, a little while away from where the SSR was stationed in the centre of London. I had to admit that I was nervous, heading right into the centre of the action, into the bullseye of the target. But I pushed those fears aside. I was British. We wouldn't let a little thing like German bombs get us down. I had work to do and wouldn't let that scare me into incompetence. While the rest of my team seemed to be making the most of their time off, spending the evening in whatever was the closest bar, drinking away their worries, I had other plans.
I bid farewell to my comrades, politely declining their offer for drinks and promising that I would join them tomorrow night instead, and head off on my way to a place I knew very well. It was only a short walk before I was standing at the steps of St Bartholomew's hospital, still standing proud and strong, despite the rubble that littered the streets surrounding it and the unfortunately large hole in one of the walls. Nowhere was safe when the bombs hit. I released a sad sigh, growing weary of the destruction that followed everywhere I went. We could only hope this atrocious war would be over soon enough.
I offered muttered apologies as I slipped through the front doors, weaving through worried looking doctors and weary nurses until I found my way to some semblance of a front desk.
"Good evening," I smiled politely at the young girl who sat at the desk, fussing over a mountain of papers as she batted away a curl that had slipped from its pins and was currently bouncing around her nose. She paused her faffing, exhaling before stretching her lips into a weak smile. She couldn't have been older than 16, and the poor girl looked exhausted. Aren't we all.
"Good evening miss, is there something I can help with?" Despite her frazzled outer appearance, she was perfectly polite and friendly, just what we all needed in a time like this.
"Yes actually, I was wondering if you might be able to point me in the direction of a nurse by the name of Louisa Moore?" Her smile brightened somewhat at my question as she lifted herself from her seat, leaning over the desk and pointing towards a long corridor.
"If you head straight down that way, take a left at the surgical suite, then a right at the end of the corridor, you should find her." I nodded with thanks, heeding her directions as I prepared to make my way through the bustle of the hospital. However, I was stopped as she continued to speak.
"I like your outfit miss..." She commented, her eyes scanning over the army issued olive tailored trousers and white blouse I currently sported. It had completely slipped my mind that I had bypassed changing before coming here. "It makes you look powerful... my mother says trousers are unbecoming of a lady. Well, I think they look much more comfortable and practical than a silly skirt." I chuckled at her comment, realising that while I had started out hating the thought of dressing in such a masculine fashion, I was now much more comfortable this way than I had ever been in the plethora of dresses my mother used to force me into.
"What's your name?"
"Florence, miss."
"Well, Florence, I'll let you in on a secret. You don't need to dress or act like a man to be powerful. You just need to realise that you already are. It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not." She heeded my words quietly, nodding in agreement after she had pondered them in silence. "My mother used to tell me that there is nothing more powerful than a woman who knows her worth, and doesn't let anyone treat her as less."
She grinned back at me, clearly feeling some empowerment from my statement as she squared her shoulders and offered an appreciative nod.
"I will certainly bare that in mind miss..."
"Agent Evelyn Moore," The addition of 'agent' to my name increased her smile even more. "It was lovely to meet you Florence, thank you for the directions."
She offered her thanks and goodbyes as I set off down the hallway in search of the little sister to whom I so longed to give a big hug. It didn't take me long to find her, thanks to Florence's directions, which took me to a small ward where nurses were tending quietly to the minor injuries of civilians and soldiers alike. I quickly spotted a familiar blonde head, hair pulled into a neat chignon, framed at either side with a loose braid, a style which I was proud to say I had taught her.
"Tell me Louie... how it is you've grown this much in the few short months I've been away?" I mused from the doorway, catching her attention as she finished up with her patient and turned towards me. Her face lit up instantly, her grin matching mine as she hurried towards my position, throwing her arms around me in a tight embrace.
"Eve! My god I've missed you! What are you doing here? I thought you were in America, does mum know you're back here...?"
"One question at a time Lou," I laughed, unwrapping myself from her arms and leaning back against the doorframe. She frowned, her smile still present as she untied her apron from around her waist, folding it neatly in her hands.
"Sorry, you just took me by surprise," I relished in the sound of her voice, her laugh, her smile. God I had missed her. "What are you doing back in England?"
"How about I explain it over a couple of drinks?" I suggested with a wink, sensing that a drink might prove helpful to both of us right now, as well as helping the explanation go a bit smoother.
Give me five mines and I'm all yours darling! Meet me at the front reception." She turned on her heel, practically skipping across the ward before disappearing through the far doors, leaving me to find my way back out through the maze of corridors.
We'd ended up in a pub nearby, thankfully finding a seat within the crowded room. Who knew this many people would be spending their time at a bar. I suppose we all needed a way to drown out the chaos around us, and the bottom of a bottle was the easiest way to do so. While some of the patrons were locals, the majority were soldiers. I noticed quickly, that I recognised some of the men, various members of the 107th who must have been allowed to take the drive into London to hit up the local nightlife as a treat. I certainly didn't miss the way a lot of the men had been looking at Louisa, though a stern glare from me was all it really took to have them retreating as though I had a gun to their head. For those who recognised me, I was still their superior, and for those who didn't know my face, they had the more educated soldiers to guide them in the correct direction. My attention was pulled away from the room around me as I received a light smack to the arm.
"Stop scaring away all the handsome men and update me on your life." Louisa complained jovially, reciprocating a smile to a particularly interested soldier over my shoulder.
"Only if you stop flirting and listen." I raised a brow at her as she fluttered her lashes with an innocent shrug.
"Fine, your attention is all mine," She placed her chin into her hands and watched me carefully, "What brings you back to England?"
"Well, it's actually quite exciting news really..." I began, taking a quick sip of my drink before getting into my explanation.
"So, I was stationed at Camp Lehigh in New Jersey, where I was working with Peg and a few others on a specialised task-force."
"A task-force for what?" She interjected, her curiosity evident.
"That's classified information, little sister." I winked, earning myself an eye roll and a groan. "Anyway, I did a little extra work on a project we were tasked with, helping out Stark with a few issues he was having with some of the technology he'd created for the project..." I was forced to cease my explanation as Louisa's eyes grew wide, her hand reaching across the table to grasp mine in a vice-like grip.
"Howard Stark? You have worked with The Howard Stark?!" I simply laughed at her excitement, slipping my hand from hers and stretching out my fingers from her bone crushing grasp.
"Yes, Howard and I worked together a fair amount whilst I was in America." I responded nonchalantly, not realising how I might have just dropped myself in it until I noticed Louisa's raised brow and sly smirk.
"First name basis, are we? I didn't realise you and Howard were such close friends." She made sure to add extra suggestive emphasis when she spoke his name, twisting a curl in her finger as she batted her lashes, an action that only served to send my mind flashing back to Howard and the way he had played with my hair in much the same way on more than one occasion.
"We aren't close friends, we've just worked together a lot is all."
"After all these years, it still baffles me that you think I can't see right through you Eve." I rolled my eyes, wrapping my fingers around my glass and diverting my gaze so as not to give anything away. "I knew there was something different about you, I've seen that look in your eyes before."
"And, pray tell me, what look is that?"
"The same look you had when you were 14 years old and decided you had fallen madly in love with Thomas Parker, the farmer's son." I frowned, placing my glass back on the table as i shifted under her gaze. She was right, she could always see right through me, but that didn't mean I would confirm her theory.
"I wasn't in love with Thomas Parker..."
"No, but you thought you were, and every time you said his name it was like a light came on in your eyes... the exact same way it just did a moment ago." She leaned forward onto the table, forcing me to make eye contact with her despite my avoidance. "Tell me Eve, what is going on between you and Howard Stark?"
"Nothing is going on, we're just friends and colleagues," I made my response short and to the point, careful not to divulge anything through my eyes as I apparently did often.
"Oh so you are friends now then...? She smirked, somehow managing to catch me out without even doing anything. I sighed, rubbing circles into my temples in despair. I couldn't hide anything from this girl.
"We are fairly close friends..." I spoke carefully, giving her the truth without any detail. I thought back to how I had convinced myself that if I were asked, I wouldn't deny. Clearly that was more difficult for me than I had thought. I think, perhaps, that I wouldn't have been this guarded if it were any other man. Howard's reputation preceded him, and any girl who thought she could mean something real to him would surely be laughed at. Maybe that was my fear. Admitting that I cared for him and that there was something going on was admitting that I trusted the least trustworthy man in America. There goes any respect I'd so far managed to cling on to.
"Okay Eve, continue to lie to me and yourself if you wish, but if you want my opinion, I think he might not be half as bad as the tabloids make him out to be." The small upturn of my lips told her that I appreciated her response.
"You know Lou... he really isn't." I responded quietly.
"I'm pleased for you Eve, it's about time you found a man who can match your confidence and cleverness."
"You always know the right thing to say."
"That's because I'm the smarter sister." She grinned, taking a sip of her drink and giggling as she swiftly avoided the napkin I had flung at her. "Anyway, we got distracted... you never did tell me why you're back in London."
"No, of course, we got a bit sidetracked there..." I shook my head, settling back into my seat as I absentmindedly ran the tip of my finger around the rim of my glass. "I've been asked to head my own specialised task-force, overseeing special operations for the SSR-"
"Wow, Eve! That's amazing, i'm so proud of you!" Louisa gawped, cutting me off as her lips stretched into a grin, patting the back of my hand in congratulations.
"In Italy..." I finished quietly, knowing that this part would be far less exciting to learn about.
"Italy...?" She questioned softly, her eyes falling to the table as she chewed at her lip. "As in, right near the front lines?"I nodded softly, understanding her concerns as she digested the new information.
"You've always had aspirations bigger than you Eve... a selfish part of me had always hoped you wouldn't achieve them. That way you would stay out of danger, but let me guess, you accepted the offer without a moment's hesitation?"
"Of course I did."
"You're braver, smarter and stronger than anyone gives you credit for, you know. That's why you're going to give those Germans hell for all of us."
"Oh don't you worry about that love, they won't know what's hit them." I shot her a wink, placing my hand comfortingly over hers in an attempt to quell her worries.
"Now, I can see a tall, dark and handsome soldier over by that bar just dying to buy you a drink. Don't let me ruin your fun, go talk to him." She glanced over her shoulder, locking eyes with the dark haired man in uniform, sending him a small smile before turning back to me.
"Perhaps I could have one drink..."
"And perhaps one dance...?" I suggested as she smirked back at me before hopping up from her seat. She spared me a quick wink over her shoulder before disappearing across the room. So here I was... alone again. Though, the fact I offered nothing less than a death glare to any man who tried to approach me was probably a contributing factor towards that. Not that I minded. As much as I tried to hide it, my heart was bound for only one.
The rest of the week in London, unfortunately, flew by just as quickly as the boat journey here had. I'd managed to get in a few more days with Louisa, even fitting in a shopping trip in which I'd used my substantially increased rate of pay to buy her a gift. A small locket held a photograph of Louisa, Charlie and myself, sitting opposite a photograph of our mother and father. She had shed a tear when I'd given it to her, making my promise that I would write to her every chance I had, letting her know I was still okay. It was harder this time, to say goodbye. Perhaps its because this time I wasn't heading to the safety of an army barracks. No, this time I was heading straight into an active war zone. I tried not to think about that, the thought of it making me panic a little every time. Though I might panic on the inside, I would never let it show. I was a leader now, I had to put forward an example to be followed. If I was quaking with fear then how could I expect anyone else to get anything done.
The morning of departure was a surprisingly warm one. I had said my goodbyes to Louisa the previous evening, ensuring my small amount of personal items were packed ready for the early start. The only thing I didn't put in my main bag was Howard's flask. I'd quickly realised that it was something I wasn't keen to let out of my grasp, opting to keep it safely stashed in my pocket at all times. I'd grown oddly fond of the small piece of metal, Howards small token of affection, or perhaps his way of saying "you can't forget about me if a part of me is stashed in your pocket." Either way, it had ended up becoming a part of me, and I couldn't bare to be without it. Perhaps it was my way of keeping him with me, until I saw him again, and I had absolutely no doubt that I would be seeing him again soon.
It had taken a good few hours to get everyone on board the ship, many feeling reluctant to head back out to sea, especially considering the sickness the ocean had given many of them the last time. I had been lucky to avoid the ill effects of the boat's movement, finding the journey ever so slightly pleasant, if still monotonous. I'd headed straight for my cabin, this time throwing my bags in and heading straight back out to the top deck. I wasn't going to miss my chance to say goodbye to England whilst I still had it. As much as I told myself that I shouldn't think it, I couldn't help but consider all the ways in which I might end up never seeing the lush rolling hills of my home country again. This is why it was important for me to say goodbye this time, just in case it might be my last chance.
I stood on that deck for longer than I realised, staring out at the rough waters long after England had faded over the horizon. The deck had begun to grow quiet as afternoon faded into evening, most retiring to their cabins and bunks to rest. I soon followed suit, ambling back along the corridors until I arrived at my room. I sat for a while, turning Howard's flask over in my hands as I examined it. I quickly noticed something I hadn't before, spotting a small engraving in the bottom right hand corner.
'H.S.'
Of course, he has his flask engraved with his initials. There was honestly nothing in this world that summed up Howard Stark more than the fact he had a monogrammed flask. Perhaps it was tiredness, or perhaps my solitude was starting to wear at my brain, but I found myself falling into a fit of laughter at the thought. I laughed until my stomach hurt and my cheeks grew tired.
I missed him. My chest ached for him. No one had ever made me feel so happy and yet so sad all at once. I changed out of my uniform, making myself comfortable and climbing into bed, the flask still clutched between my fingers. I found myself subconsciously smoothing circles into the side of the metal, the cold material warming slightly in my hand.
"Goodnight Howard." I muttered to myself as sleep began to take me, the flask still resting in my palm as I drifted off.