Disclaimer: I'm only playing in Pat's beautiful playground.

Chapter 30: Only Always

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It's bright.

The sun burns like a thousand flaming spears. My eyes flutter and water, and even when I close them, I can't find peace in the dark. My eyelids are burning with red. And there is a fire in my throat. My mouth is full of cotton, and a thirst so unbearable it feels like I have not drunk a drop of water in days and I am on the edge of dying.

I moan and shift away from the light, burying my face in soft earth. It smells like Mother's garden after a heavy rainfall, and though my eyes are closed, I see the dark richness of the soil, full of minerals and nutrients and the water that fell from the sky. My mouth is dry and brittle as the desert. I bring my lips to the damp ground, but the soil tastes only like dirt.

I spit it out, and push myself away from the earth, chancing another look into the sun. Everything in my body aches and burns, as if the very fabric of me is torn and shredded. But the light is more forgiving. There is cool stone behind me. A forest stretching out ahead.

Why am I here?

They were taking me to town. Or did I dream it? No, there is a bandage on my throbbing arm. Right where he cut me. But the dress I wear isn't my own. It isn't familiar. And then I see the waterskin. The fallen bundle of a blanket beside me. I remember.

"Kvothe." My voice is a croak, my tongue stumbling over my unbreakable thirst. I reach for the waterskin and twist off the cap with fumbling fingers. The water is barely cool, but it feels like the breath of life. It spills down my chin as I gulp it down madly, until the thirst finally abates.

I look around. Our things are scattered around me. I was sure we had gone to sleep atop the stones, but now I sit at their base, beside the remains of what had once been our campfire. The earth is rutted and torn to pieces. The draccus!

But no, it isn't there.

"Kvothe!" I call again, and my voice sounds like something familiar now. Almost human. But the only answer is silence and the hum of the forest. Distant birdsong.

I climb unsteadily to my feet, closing my eyes for the space of a breath as the world tilts and darkens at the edges. Then I look out, across the unbroken forest. All green and brown, with not a speck of fiery red.

"Kvothe…" I try again, but softly this time. No matter how loudly I call his name, I know he won't hear. The hilltop where I stand feels much too empty to hold another human soul. He's gone.

He's left, just like everyone has left before him. And there's no answer that would be enough… to ask why.

I close my eyes and think of how he found me. How he walked into that drab room at the godforsaken inn where they left me, bandaged and clothed and all but a prisoner, and spirited me away. Like some gallant hero straight out of a faerie story, appearing before me in my moment of greatest need. I had never, never believed in faerie tales before. Life has long since served me nothing but tragedy. But Trebon was both.

It's cathartic to relive the day we spent together. To imagine it, moment by moment, though it hurts. Walking away from that inn, together. Our easy banter. Stumbling through the remains of Mauthen's farm. He'd seemed so delicate when the water pump had broken. As if his entire world had shattered with it. But he never voiced what it was that tugged at his heart. And I held far too many secrets of my own. Far too many hurts to press him.

Instead, I had pulled him along into the forest. I intended to find Ash. I searched for him. In the town. In the fields and valleys and tree glades. But he left no traces. Nothing. He told me to find him, but the bracelet on my wrist had spoken true in its silence. No colder than a breath of summer wind.

Perhaps I knew it deep down even then, that Ash had no plans to find me. He was just like every other man I'd ever known. Using me. Leaving me when I was no longer needed. Beating me bloody had been his reward. I had seen that much in his eyes last night. And I was a fool.

Still, I had searched. With Kvothe beside me, his eyes the shade of spring and his hair afire. Walking with me, until he grew far bigger than the space that Ash had left behind.

Oh, walking through the forest, breaking bread together… It was the most time we'd spent in each other's company since Roent's caravan. And by the time we reached the hilltop where I stand, even the lure of Ash's promise didn't seem so strong.

And now, Kvothe is the one who's a ghost.

I move gingerly, thumbing through the various belongings scattered on the grass. Both blankets are here. The meager remains of our food. Kvothe's spare shirt is crumpled at the base of the greystones. I pick it up, my fingers running along the rip in its shoulder. It's the shirt he was wearing yesterday, when we'd run from the draccus and found ourselves in that denner refinery. And I realize: the denner resin is gone.

Kvothe has taken it.

I sit down heavily on the grass and stare into the sky. It's all gone. Everything we planned to bring to the apothecary for a tidy profit. Has he used it all to kill the draccus like we planned? Or has… has he taken it for himself? I hate myself for the question. I have told myself so many times that Kvothe is different. I have felt it in my bones. He wouldn't abandon me. Wouldn't use me, as everyone else has done. He never has before. I think of what he did for me just yesterday. I owe him my life. But the draccus isn't here, dead or alive. And Kvothe isn't either. And the denner is gone.

How could he leave me?

The thought is bitter. Caustic as it burns through me, surging higher than any explanations I can muster. I remember the fear in his eyes when I stupidly bit into that disc of charred denner yesterday. They had paled, turning the color of frost, even after he'd stuffed me full of charcoal. I know that fear was real. He watched over me, kept me alive, safe from the monster that took Father from me.

Or is Father alive too?

But they're all gone. Ash. Kvothe. The drug-addicted dragon we'd meant to murder for the greater good.

"Tehlu blacken," I whisper bitterly, bringing my hands to my eyes. I hate myself for this weakness. For the damp skin beneath my fingertips. I have made it on my own so many times before. With all the lessons life has taught me, why do I still allow myself the luxury of hope? There is no weight to empty words. In the stark light of day, I know with perfect clarity that I will only ever be alone. Always.

And it's easier that way. It's all I can expect.

All I deserve.

I climb slowly to my feet and step away from the stones. I'm cold and hungry, and Trebon is somewhere beyond the forest and hours away. I have nothing but the clothes on my back. Everything I owned in the four corners burned in that damn wedding. The lyre. My cloak and dresses. Calia's papers. Even her comb is gone. I don't have so much as two coins to rub together. But I leave the remains of Kvothe's things where they are. The water he left me was already far too much, and I will owe him nothing. Everything else I will make up along the way.

Damn them all.

Damn Ash and his promises. Damn Kvothe and his sweet words, that I once mistook for love. Damn Denna for leading me to him. For leaving me. Ever since she's gone, she's been the whole of my heart. Now her face is fresh enough in my mind for my eyes to swim with memory.

The wind picks up, brushing against me and sending my tangled locks flying around my face. I turn into it, letting it dry the dampness on my cheeks. I promised myself, a long time ago, that I would survive. And I will.

And Tehlu blacken, so what if my patron is a useless prick who's vanished on me? So what if last night Kvothe held me close with the promise of tomorrow? He doesn't think of me that way. And I can't hold him to that. Can't fault him for it. In the end, I'm the one who's broken. I don't know how to love, even if I wanted to. Not without Denna.

But I do know enough to survive tomorrow on my own.

I find my way down the hill and begin the long trek toward the town. I will not step foot in it. I have seen enough of their angry faces to last a lifetime, and I have far too much bitterness in me to stand for any more.

It takes several long hours to reach the docks, and by the time I see the glistening curve of the river, it's late afternoon. I have nothing to offer for a ride downriver except myself. So I will spend the evening in the captain's quarters. And the night as well. It matters not. There is no point postponing it, after all. There will only be more of the same once I reach Imre.

It's all right.

There is the blaring sound of a horn, and the barge beneath me shudders to life, pushing away from the docks and out into the heart of the river, where the current grasps it and pulls it along. I look out at the shimmering water, glowing gold with the beginnings of sunset. At the trees that stretch beyond the riverbanks. In the distance, I can see the chimney smoke that marks Trebon rising into the darkening sky. For a bitter, vindictive moment I imagine the draccus searching out that pillar of smoke and attacking the lot of them.

But I will not waste my mind on bitter imaginings. I turn away, looking ahead at the glowing river. If Ash told me the truth, then somewhere out there, Grandmother and Grandfather may still be alive. And damn him and his disappearing act. I don't need his help. I don't need his songs. I don't need anything or anyone. I absently reach down and touch Mother's ring, twisting it around my finger. And then I let my hand trail up, until I find the copper bracelet on my wrist. I fiddle with the clasp, and there is a click. And then a lightness on my wrist as the circlet falls away. I don't hear the splash of it hitting the water. I'm too high up. Too far. But I feel a lightness seep into my chest, bringing with it a stony resolve.

If my family is out there, I will find them myself. And that is a promise I intend to keep.

I smile lightly at the water and turn away as the sun begins to dip behind the far edge of the trees. It's high time to find the captain. Night is coming.

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A/N: Thank you. Thank you for reading, and for taking this journey with D. For all who have left comments, thank you also. They do mean so much to me. This story has taken a year of my life, and now this is finally the end. Today, I will turn the page from Denna, and Tehlu that is bittersweet. I'll miss her. I've loved every moment of writing this story, even when it was painful or hard, or the words didn't come as easily. Through it all, this story wanted to be told, and I can only hope I've done it justice. But it's a story incomplete, I know.

In beginning it where it began and tying this ending to that beginning in a neat little bow, I know I've left a lot unspoken. We know that D finds Ash again, but not how or why it happens. We don't know the canon. And though it's entirely likely that Ash is indeed Cinder, and just as possible that he's set the fire in the fishery and kept Kvothe away, we don't know why he's done it. Or why he wants her. Is he, after all, trying to get to Kvothe? Or are these all coincidences — that Kvothe loves her. That the fishery, which is all but his second home, was burned that day. That it was the moment Ash chose to seek out Denna. Another coincidence? It's hard to believe in such things when Pat puts them down on paper so neatly. And we don't know what happens. D's POV is limited. Her knowledge lacking.

Perhaps it didn't happen like this at all. Perhaps there were no declarations. No moments of inner clarity. No throwing away of the bracelet that surely doesn't exist. Perhaps Ash returned to the stones after Kvothe had gone to find her, and she was already in his grasp. From that moment on. But I like to believe that he didn't. That he left her entirely until it became convenient for him to find her again, for whatever (Chandrian thing) it is he needs her for. And I've always believed that this is why, when she returned to Imre, Denna jumped from man to man like wind. She likely kept doing it until Ash's reappearance, sometime in WMF. Who can really fault her for it? And then he spirited her away… to Yll, perhaps. Then Severen. Why? The exploration of that is beyond my imagination at present, so D's story will end here. But Denna's will continue… I'll wait patiently. I hope one day we can all read it together.

Rina