Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man in any way, all credit goes to Katsura Hoshino.
Summary: Forced to leave the Order, Allen comes across a secret hidden in the depths of the Ark. Now, hunted by the Noah Clan and considered an enemy by the place he once called home, he has to search for the truth... The truth about Mana, Neah and himself. Where he came from and who he really is. Uncovering a web of illusions and doubts, Allen still moves forward as he promised to do... But what do you do in a war, when you feel like you don't belong to any side?
"I dreamt of you. I was walking in the darkness and so were you. And we found each other. We found each other in the darkness" – Stephen King, "The Green Mile"
Act Four – Chains of Feathers
Pain.
Allen knew pain.
He had become intimate with it in various ways since an early age, certain occasions standing out in his body's sensorial memory. Moments that made the akumas' attacks light burnings, soon healed and just as soon forgotten.
The beatings in the circus… A tease biting his heart, deliberately slow, tasting his organ… His left arm being reduced to ashes, flesh crumbling… Kanda's Mugen piercing him, burning his blood and tearing nerves apart…
Yet, nothing had ever been like this.
Instinctively, his teeth came down to his lower lip, ripping it open. He didn't feel it. The agony chased away the knowledge, the thoughts, nothing was left but the pain.
The feathers slithered around his arm with obscene movements, melting in contact with his skin, as if wanting to go back inside. He felt them, broken glass caressing his nerves.
Raz placed his human arm around her own shoulders, forcing his body to stand up as the akumas, for a second, were too shocked by the turn of events, no more able to grasp what had happened than she was.
"C'mon, Allen, c'mon…" She muttered and, had Allen been in a better mental state, he would have heard the hints of despair in her voice, despite the unchangeable tone. Blood fell down his chin in a grotesque painting as the Noah girl forced him to run. Once his body started to move, something inside it reacted, making his legs move without needing a command.
"Is he awake?" She wondered, unsure. He was unresponsive, but… Instinct, or something else, was there, making him run as she pulled him. It was enough for now. Raz ran, trying to avoid the attacks that came from above. The akumas pursued, wasps laughing and hissing. In that cacophony, she heard one of them, giggling that they just wanted to play.
People screamed at the sight. They ran. A few looked from their windows, joining the cacophony before closing curtains, likely trying to hide at home. Almost tripping, Raz dragged Allen along, trying to choose narrow streets with large buildings, instinctively hoping this would make it harder for the akumas to follow. Some flew higher as others tried to force their way by destroying whatever construction was in the way.
In the growing hell around, Raz took the chance to enter the first alley she saw, shrinking herself with Allen, trying to reclaim control over her breathing.
"Don't find us, don't find us…" Her body ached to run, run, to get away. At her side, barely breathing, Allen leaned his back against the wall, grabbing his left shoulder, nails against the flesh making drops of blood appear. The feather-like parasites in his arm still slithered around, giving away a sort of gleam.
"Allen, what is that?" The words escaped her, not finding a sense in any of what was happening, but not really waiting for answers that she knew he couldn't give now. Kneeling at his side, she leaned over the dark arm, as some of the feathers seemed to fight to go back to under his flesh.
Without thinking, Raz grabbed a few.
The nerves in her hands were ripped apart.
She released them with a cry of pain, before trying again.
Cold needles pierced her hands, then spreading to the rest of her body. Her hands burned, leaving the flesh raw to the touch of those feathers. Raz bit her lower lip, pulling, trying to gouge them out as they reacted with the resistance of roots.
Allen convulsed in his own pain, fighting back screams. His body trembled.
Raz didn't know if her actions were causing him more pain or not, only knowing those feathers couldn't be left to whatever they were doing. She kept pulling. It felt like holding burning wire, piercing her hands, tearing them apart. When one of those feathers finally gave in and came out of Allen's flesh, Raz almost expected to see it red with blood, holding veins and threads of flesh… But the thin end was as white as the rest of it, shaking like the tail of a rat.
She let it go, the long feather falling on the ground in a seizure before it turning grayish and, finally, breaking into ashes.
She kept removing them, her flesh crying at the contact with each of those feathers. As soft as they looked, as soft as they were, they hurt her skin. Her blood. And inside Raz, something new found birth. Focused as the Noah was, she didn't realize it at first, but another emotion was growing… Something that sought to devour what it touched. Something old stirred into awakening. It was as twisted as those feathers and Raz could no longer discern anything in that mass that had dominated her.
As each feather tore from his system, Allen's organs started to stabilize. The feathers resisted, curling and holding on to something inside his body. They made his stomach ache to empty itself, he could barely look at them…
As he became able to think again, Allen noticed something else going on.
Movement…?
His first thought was that it was due to the shine of the feathers or the pain had twisted his sight.
Then, as his mind cleared, he could see it better.
No denial.
The shadows were moving.
It was not caused by a game of light or any rational reason… As if given some sort of awareness that mocked life, fingers of darkness stretched from the walls, slowly bursting in veins that continued their path, rising as snakes from sleep, suffocating what stood in their way in reaction to something…
Raz.
The shadows came to her, hovering over her legs or her back, releasing pieces of dark mist in the air or touching her. A tendril-like one curled around her right shoulder with the hold of a nightmare. Against all laws of physics or sanity, Allen could see it becoming more substantial.
He had seen the powers of other Noahs and they all would have been enough to shatter a person's sanity if it wasn't for the knowledge of the war. This was no different. He felt his nerves recoiling in fear of those things approaching him next.
Then he saw Raz had also realized the change around.
Her jaw was hard, teeth gritted against each other. Her eyes went from the feathers to the shadows, shivering in their sockets, her breathing again labored and not from pain alone, though she never stopped what she was doing, despite how there must be no strength left in her hands.
There was blood in the ground now.
Trying to ignore the living shadows around, Allen joined her.
As soon as they pulled the last feather, Raz backed away, slapping her hands against herself as one would do when covered in cockroaches, leaving red stains all over herself. Her face betrayed nothing, but her eyes were maddened birds. As much as this must be her ability (what else could it?), the lack of knowledge left her feeling their touch as a normal person would. Allen didn't blame her. The way the Noahs mocked sanity and reality with their abilities was, often, too much.
However, the shadows dissipated as pieces of lost thoughts. She stopped, realizing the uselessness of her gestures and held her own shoulders.
Her breathing was out of rhythm. Mouth half-opened.
Looking back at Allen, hands still knowing nothing but pain, Raz hesitated… Suddenly, the vision of his arm called back that emotion from before, far more powerful this time. A ferocious desire lit up in her depths, taking her entire being. Hatred, hatred unlike any other emotion, was all she knew then.
She hated that arm.
She wanted to break it apart, to twist it until the sound of shattering bones became a song, she wanted to rip the skin and expose the flesh and tear, tear, tear…
"Raz?"
The girl blinked, eyes meeting Allen's.
The image of the arm still burned behind her corneas.
What… What she had been thinking? What had she wanted to do?
It was Allen!
Her throat closed, heart struggling in her chest… The hatred remained as she tried to ignore it and at that moment, she didn't fear only those feathers, the akumas, or the moving shadows… There was something more. It was a new dread, with no hope for release, no choice but to fall and let herself be consumed.
"Raz…?" Allen tried again, leaning closer, his worry taking precedence over whatever caution he might have felt in other circumstances. He had thought that seeing his Innocence activated might have provoked her, but couldn't tell for sure what her reaction would be.
"Allen…" The girl whispered, before swallowing, trying to control the vocal cords without success. "What was… What is all this… What is going on?"
He stood up slowly, holding his still throbbing arm. A spasm agitated him at regular intervals, despite how better he felt. There was a bitter taste in his mouth along with the blood from his lip. Allen didn't know how to tell Raz about everything.
Of all the situations that his mind had conjured as a scenario for explanations, this was the worst.
He should have told her sooner.
"Raz, it's hard to explain… I…" The words died in his throat and he groaned to himself. There wasn't even time, not with the akumas approaching. She had lost them for mere seconds and all that had just happened had taken just that.
"Then tell me, help me understand…" Though it didn't sound like a plea, he felt what was behind the words, fear exposing that feeling of being lost. However, the akumas were seconds away and if he didn't hurry up, they would be found and killed… Or worse. Not to mention the other people who those creatures came across…
There was no time.
And if Apocryphos was nearby…
"Raz, please… I swear I'll tell everything, but I need to deal with this first." He muttered and looked at her hands, her arms now crossed against her body. "How are…?"
Her immediate response was that of hesitation. Allen thought she wouldn't say anything, but then, with a carefulness almost of a wounded child, Raz extended her hands to him, palms up for inspection.
Allen bit his tongue.
They were a mass of raw flesh, wounded by deep lines releasing blood. Here and there the remaining skin had torn edges as if brushed against broken glass and wire. Shredded. As he watched, some cuts seemed to throb.
Blood formed a small pool in the center. It dripped from her everywhere.
It was a grotesque sight.
"I'm… I'm so sorry, I know I should have told you all before…" He muttered, then raised his head as the cursed eye sent desperate warnings to the mind. "They are here…" Turning back to her, Allen held her wrists, taking care to avoid her wounds. "Raz, look, I swear I'll tell everything, but for now, just stay here!"
With no time to afford to wait for an answer, Allen went out in the street, activating the Exorcist Sword on the way. Raz came close to the alley's entrance, just enough to watch, her arms again crossed, hands tucked close to her body in an instinctual attempt to lessen the pain…
Many akumas were already at the end of the street, others floating above. This time, with nothing stopping him, Allen jumped, a flash of white light piercing those creatures. His movements made it clear he was used to fighting.
Where she was, Raz flinched…
Her hands hurt.
And that sensation was still there.
Why did she feel all this should mean something? It couldn't be, there had no meaning, no sense, no reference… It… It was lunacy, it was all lunacy.
And why… Why did she feel that impulse of destroying Allen's arm?
XxX
"The last time that happened, Apocryphos was near…" Allen remembered, panting while a solitary soul whispered in gratitude before passing on. Everything around him boasted signs of destruction. At least there didn't seem to be any deaths, for which he was thankful. No doubt the noise and sight of the akumas had scared people away and they were far too focused on him to give chase.
Pushing the sword back to his shoulder, making it return to being flesh and bone, his mind went back to the night he had gone away (escaped, ran away, been abandoned) from the Order… There had been a moment when he was with Tyki and Road and those feathers had appeared suddenly.
A cold shiver ran through his spine when he also remembered Tyki holding his arm at once, resolute to slice it off, affirming that it was denouncing his position to Apocryphos.
"Will the same thing happen, if Apocryphos is around?" He knew it would. Not because his Innocence would denounce him as Tyki had said it, but because it would warn him. On one hand, at least he would know when that beast was near, on another, Apocryphos would know it as well…
"This wasn't quite the same as back then… Maybe he isn't here…" Later on that same night, he had hoped Raz wouldn't attack him not only because he was tired but because he wasn't sure with activating his Innocence, something he had never felt before.
No, this time, it hadn't been his arm that had reacted... Those feathers, that sensation…
"It was the same when he tried... To absorb me" The realization filled with intense disgust, knowing that for all those days, a part of that creature had been lurking inside him. The image came so clear to his mind that he could almost see it as a photo. Suddenly, he felt dirty, as if a disease had made his organs black and maculated.
Instinctively, he ran his hands against his arms, skin shivering in repulse…
He looked back.
Raz, half-hidden in the alley, was observing, still and quiet. If he paid attention, he could see her shivering and he very much doubted she felt as calmer as she looked.
Was the same distrust from before back as well?
"We have to get out of here!"
With the akumas having seen them… Having seen Raz… Hadn't one of them called her "lost Noah"? The Earl, then, should already know!
He went back to her, ignoring the exhaustion and trying to not remember when the Noah Clan had attacked the Order.
"Raz… We need to go back to the inn. Now."
"Allen…" She started in a firm tone, her hands flinching. Allen already knew what she was going to say.
"I'll tell you everything on the way, but Raz…" He pointed to where he had been fighting. "More of those things will come."
"And someone far worse than them…" He completed in his mind. Raz seemed to consider only for a second and nodded. Once more, Allen's eyes went to her hands, though the vision was stomach-turning, as severe wounds and exposed flesh can so often be.
"I'm so sorry for your hands…"
"There's nothing to be sorry about…" She whispered (and meaning it, she had chosen to hold those feathers) as they took a still empty street. Two or three people, likely hearing the silence and curious to see if it was safe now, were coming from here and there. At least no one had actively seen Allen fighting, so there was no one to stop them with inquiries.
Better to avoid people on their way just in case all the same.
None of them noticed the black cat sitting on a roof, undisturbed, its golden eyes following them without so much blinking.
Lulubell waved her tail in the air. With the heightened senses of a cat (and a Noah as well), she had had no need of being too close to listen or to see all that had transpired. And it had been enough for her to get a good idea of the situation.
Tyki had told them all about the "rescue" (as he called it), so the feathers hadn't been so much of a surprise… It made sense Apocryphos would leave something to warn him of Walker's presence when he activated his Innocence. No, no surprise. That had come with seeing the Noah (Raz, the brat had called her "Raz") running to him, dragging him along until he had been able to run again. The questions from before were back: What would make her act this way?
Then, the girl had started to tear away the feather-shaped Innocence from Allen Walker's arm.
Touching Innocence wasn't enough to hurt a Noah, after all, they had destroyed several by merely crunching them. However, Apocryphos was a different case altogether, a raw Innocence, independent and self-aware. And those feathers were a part of him. When the girl had shown Walker her hands, her back had been turned to the roof where Lulubell was, but she was sure the other had been terribly hurt.
She had smelled blood.
A Noah helping an Exorcist.
Lulubell had been considering the girl might have felt the Fourteenth in Walker, until they had started to talk. She had heard each word.
"Help me understand…"
"I should have told everything before."
Not only the Noah was with Walker… She didn't remember anything. She didn't know who she really was.
"This… Complicate matters a little…" The cat reflected, scratching the roof lightly with the notion that the Noah had helped Walker merely because it was Walker. Even if she really couldn't remember, it wasn't something that pleased the Noah of Lust.
However, her mission here was over and done, as unpleasant as she found the results to be.
Some akumas of low level had been exterminated, but it didn't matter. She watched the two teens going up the street, aware that they were going back to the inn and that Walker would probably try to get out of town tonight.
But the Earl's orders had been clear. She was here to get information. No more. And since this case had turned to be a little more delicate than they had originally thought it to be, it wouldn't do to rush matters, not with the risk of it being more detrimental than beneficial.
"Very well…" She thought, giving her back to the scene and jumping to another roof. It was time to go back home and give her report.
XxX
In the inn's room, Raz was in silence.
As always, her face didn't denounce any emotion, occulting them like a secret under a veil of calmness. And even if after all those days together (which now seemed too few for Allen to feel safe), he had become somewhat used to it, he had no words left, neither did he know how to react.
It was as if, in mere words, they had returned to the night she had woken up.
She had been sitting at his side in the bed while he tried to wrap her hands in white gauze after cleaning them. Under the light of the room, the details were flowers of blood, making the sight all the worse. But Allen was no stranger to gruesome wounds and as he cleaned them, he couldn't help the impression that they would heal soon.
He knew the Noahs' resilience.
Now, the girl was standing in front of him in silence. Her hands, hidden by white, were at the side of her body. Allen, also standing up, had no idea what she was thinking about or planning to do…
Back in the street, he had started to tentatively explain, starting with the nature of akumas (when he said that was what those things were called, she had muttered "I know". Allen had asked if she had remembered something. Raz had denied, saying she merely knew it, somehow), then proceeding to the Earl, Noah and then, at least, about the Innocence.
She had made some expected questions, about akumas as well as Innocence and the feathers on his arm. Allen limited to say that his Innocence was going through some troubles (it wasn't all a lie), aware that his explanation had been a bit too broad and rushed. Not for the first time, he wished he had told her sooner, with more time. Raz had also asked why they had been choosing some random city to go if he was an Exorcist and if he intended to go (or even take her) to the Order.
No, he wouldn't. And the truth was, he couldn't go back there. He had explained, hoping she wouldn't dwell on that particular subject. Maybe Raz had taken notice of his hesitation or just resigned herself, as she seemed to accept things with few more questions. He had left Apocryphos and the details of his current situation deep down his throat.
It was already too much for her to assimilate at once.
And he didn't want to turn those words into sounds.
He had to explain the basics and go into more detail when they were safe.
Now, Raz just observed him.
"Why?" She asked so quietly that Allen almost missed it.
"I'm sorry, Raz, I'm really am… I know I should have told you before, but I…" He had been afraid she would attack him. He hadn't been fit for a fight. He didn't want to talk about it. He had had no idea of even how to begin telling her all that. Unsure of how much he could trust her to not…
The girl shook her head, her eyes never leaving him.
"Why didn't you kill me?"
Of all the questions, that was one Allen had not foreseen. But now it had been spoken, it seemed an obvious one. He was an Exorcist, she was a Noah. According to all he had just told her, they were supposed to be enemies.
Weren't they?
"I… I couldn't. You didn't… Don't remember a thing and you haven't done anything." Against me wasn't needed to be said. And Allen knew his reasons would have made several members of the Order cry out in indignation.
"And I wouldn't even now." It was a strange thing to say to someone who was of the same (Species? Kind? Race?) clan of the man who was trying to annihilate humanity. But now that he had to face it, Allen had to admit it was the truth. "Unless you tried to kill me, then I would defend myself."
But it wasn't the same thing.
Or was it? Had any of the other Noahs approached him wanting to talk, would he attack them? He knew he was supposed to. It was expected of him as an Exorcist, damn it, it was expected for them to try to kill him (or, now, to capture him so the Fourteenth would take over his body, he was willing to bet).
"But you did play cards with Tyki." Yeah, that seemed like a lifetime ago and it had been mere chance to meet a Noah in such circumstances. "And he helped you. Road took a blow for you…" But had she done this for him or for Neah?
Plus, yes, they had done that, but Tyki had destroyed his arm, placed a Tease inside him to kill him slowly, killed Yeegar… And Road had pierced his eye with a hot candle, not to mention the whole deal with Kanda and Alma and the Third.
Raz tilted her head to the side, in the way a dog does.
The idea seemed… Senseless. Maybe it was her lack of memories or the fact Allen had been with her since she had woken up, teaching her, but…
"I have no reason to do so." She muttered, remembering how she had felt back in the alley. Was that normal for a Noah? When she spared attention to the idea, she realized it didn't matter at all.
Because she didn't want to hurt Allen.
"If you don't intend to hurt me…"
"No, I don't." The boy answered. Like he hadn't told her all the details regarding what had happened to him, he hadn't told her how he had found her as well, but this question was far from being the most prominent one in her mind, apparently.
"So I have no reason to hurt you…" Raz concluded, as if it was something simple. She did feel there was much more than what Allen had just told her, but she felt his urgency. They didn't have enough time for this since, according to him, the chances of the "Millennium Earl" (there was something about that name, something that had nothing to do with his story, and that Raz was unable to identify if it was a physical sensation, emotion or even its nature), or any of the other Noahs, appearing after that attack were extremely high.
She had no idea why they were after Allen, but… Well, if he was an enemy, wasn't that enough?
"Do you have any idea where we're going?" She wondered, going to pick her backpack and arranging it on her back. Upon arriving, the first thing Allen had done had been to explain to the inn's owner that they would be leaving in a few moments, then had paid the bills before asking for gauzes and medical supplies to help with Raz's hands and his own wounds from the fight. They still pulsated, though with less intensity.
"Anywhere works, there is no time to be choosing." Allen stopped, realizing he didn't want to leave Raz… The idea felt strange now, no matter how much he had thought about it before. He had never really forgotten what she was and how things were supposed/expected to be between them in the stage of that war, but...
He thought about how they had talked in the square, discussing where they would be going to and what they would need in their trip, the occasions he had explained to her things that she had never seen before…
Allen would not fool himself trying to ignore that there had been something good about… About not being completely alone.
But Raz had questions for which he had no answers to and the other Noahs did. There was no doubt she wanted to know who she really was and, now that she knew there were others like her, and that at least one of them surely knew her…
Wasn't it natural that she would want to meet them?
"They are her family…"
This caused some sadness in him, as he remembered his family.
Once again, he got rid of the thought. Not now, not now.
He looked at her.
"I… Raz, I… I don't want to force you, okay?" He managed to hide how the idea upset him now that it had made itself known. "If you want to stay here and meet them, I mean…" It would be so easy. The akumas calling her, the Earl probably already knew… The answers would be within her reach.
Raz stayed in silence.
She understood.
The idea of staying caused reactions that clashed inside her. The natural curiosity, not only about herself but about the other Noahs too. The chance of finally learning who she was and all she had forgotten. To understand what she was. And there was something deep in her, too deep to be just a physical thing, which felt as… Oh, she wasn't sure. Longing? Crying? She didn't know!
She looked down, avoiding Allen's eyes.
Did she want to stay?
She… She wasn't sure.
What she wanted was the truth.
The truth not just about herself, but the whole situation. She wanted to understand things, to remember what she had forgotten…
But…
At the same time…
Raz shook her head.
And for the first time, there was a smile. It was a small, almost delicate gesture (clearly she wasn't sure she was doing it right), suave as a wave of mist.
"Don't we have a train to catch?"
Whatever the truth was, she could search for it with Allen.
After all, he seemed to be in search of something himself.
Without waiting for answers, Raz merely gave her back to him, as if this was enough. Allen stood still for a second but held a laugh. Part of the weight of his body seemed to have faded somehow and the perspective of the long journey ahead became less bitter.
"It seems I really found myself a fellow traveler."
Ana: Uhm... Hi?
Allen: There you are! Where have you been?
Ana: I moved. It was hell. And the internet took this whole time to connect in the new place. Sorry! But, yeah, we're back now and here is the new chapter.
Raz: Did you have to do this to us? Do you know how much my hands hurt?
Ana: Yep. I know.
Allen: She doesn't even care, does she?
Wisely: No, she doesn't.
Ana: Hey! What is up with you Noahs coming in here? You're not supposed to meet Raz yet!
Wisely: Hello? Already did. I have the memories of the past, stupid one. By the way, wasn't Neah asking if he is your favorite? In what place am I in this list?
Ana: What? Since when this place is "Let's Vote Our Top Favorite Noah Characters"?
Tyki: Did someone called me?
Ana: Oh, for the love of... I have a better idea! READERS! Tell us which ones of the Noahs are your favorites ones! Tell us at least six!
Wisely: What about you?
Ana: I'll tell you next chapter...
Neah: I'm so gonna win this.
Tyki: Keep dreaming, if you want! Anyone knows I'm the favorite of the readers!
Ana: Oh, my god, would you BOTH quit it?
oHo: I'm so glad you liked Raz, especially since you usually don't go for Ocs!
Raz (blush): I... Well... Thank you...
I can get that, I've read so many fics with Mary and Gary stus... This is what turns me off when I try reading a Oc fic. If the character is like that, I just stop reading.
Neah: See, see? Everyone knows I'm just the best. People love me. -charming smile- I thank you for this, I...
Ana: Do I need to call an ACTUAL exorcist around here? Stop possessing Allen!
Neah: It's what I gonna do in the end anyway.
Ana: You do know that if you succeed in this, I can bet ANYTHING you'd lose all your fans.
Ryuakilover: Weeell... It wasn't this time, but yeah, the Earl will be hunting them down. I can't say anything, since I'm still following a bit of the manga, but their meeting is inevitable.
Allen: Why people want me to go with the Earl? He wants to kill all humans!
Ana: Because he is another Noah everyone loves and the Order gained some serious bad reputation after classifying you as an enemy after everything you did (I was so furious when I read that part in the manga).
Allen: But... But he is the villain! He makes akumas! He is cruel! He is a...
Ana: ... Your point?
Allen: I'll never understand you.
Ana: I confess I'm a Noah!Allen lover too! It would be so awesome if Hoshino did that! Here in the fic, well, sadly I can't say if this is what will happen or not. As for pairings, while this is not Allen/OC... YES! There WILL be pairings in the future, I just won't tell because I consider it spoiler.
Raz: I suddenly have such a bad feeling...
Allen: Wait, will I be in any of those pairings?
Ana: Oh, darling... Of course you will!
Allen: Suddenly I feel cold.
jy24: It was more a piece of Apocryphos that he left in Allen, but sadly, he can't avoid Apocryphos forever. Or the Earl for that matter.
Raz: Am I right to assume that our journey will not be a simple, calm one?
Ana: Let's be honest, what do you expect?