Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man in any way, all credit goes to Katsura Hoshino.
Summary: Forced to leave the Order, Allen comes across a secret hidden in the depths of the Ark. Now, hunted by the Noah Clan and considered an enemy by the place he once called home, he has to search for the truth... The truth about Mana, Neah and himself. Where he came from and who he really is. Uncovering a web of illusions and doubts, Allen still moves forward as he promised to do... But what do you do in a war, when you feel like you don't belong to any side?
"Beauty exists not in what is seen and remembered, but in what is felt and never forgotten"- Johnathan Jena.
Act Seven – Meeting of Light and Darkness
Levelier's office wasn't unknown to any of the presents. Since they had transferred the Headquarters, after the Level Four's attack during the Noah Lulubell's attempt of recovering the "Egg", it had been quite a while and, in the meantime, they all had explored the new building and few were the rooms they hadn't been in.
Levelier's office wasn't part of the list.
The general design was similar to Komui's office in the old headquarters, which had been nearly duplicated here: Shelves filled with books as veins are with blood, a small couch and a large dark desk where, unlike Komui's, you wouldn't find a single thing out of place, a stain of a coffee's cup or crumbs. The air was marked by a light aroma, of sweetness and suavity. The only decoration was the curtains on the window, beyond which they could see the blue sky where white clouds rolled lazily.
Lenalee felt like vomiting just for being there.
At her side, Krory held his head high, his face showing nothing but a severity that was more commonly found when his Innocence was activated, as he knew better than to openly express his displeasure towards the man in front. Miranda had her dark hair pulled in the ponytail that had become her usual style, hands together in front of her body, one holding the other in a polite posture. Despite the gentleness of her expression, Lenalee thought her eyes seemed to be shivering.
She averted her eyes, taking slow and deep breaths, taking care so no one would notice it.
The younger girl didn't want to imagine how she looked like. Just the vision of the inspector acted as a poison spreading through her organism, injected in her eyes. She couldn't deal being near him without memories that were more of her flesh and muscles being stirred.
"No, don't think like this, stay calm…"
As Miranda had said when they were on their way, it would be better to get this over with as fast as they could and the better way would be by keeping their nerves under control. But it was easier said than done, Lenlalee reflected, when your dark thoughts acted as snakes hiding in the corners of your mind.
"Please, do take a seat." Levelier gestured to the couch and the chair in front of his desk with a delicate movement that Lenalee didn't think it suited him. He was tall, face with hard features as if carved in stone. As always, she had no idea of what was the truth that hid under his eyes. "Would you like anything? Tea?"
Despite the shivering in her bones, Lenalee didn't move. She wouldn't be able to tell how much of it was due to self-control and how much was because it always had felt it safer not to move, to not react, to stay still when he was around. It had always been like this. Krory remained just as quiet, his eyes just fixated on the man and Miranda refused his offer with all politeness, surprising Lenalee when managing to smile.
"Oh, no, thank you so much. It's fine." She said, surprised when her voice didn't shiver like her vocal cords seemed to be. Her interactions with Levelier had been few and far in between until now, but there was no need to know him too much to imagine his intentions. And what he desired with them was just obvious.
"Very well." He agreed, the perfect gentleman. "As you wish" And he leaned his elbows in the table, crossing his fingers up to his chin, a gesture common of him, as he smiled at the three. "I imagine you do know the purpose of this… Reunion?"
Krory evaluated the question, choosing the words carefully as if he was weaving a tapestry and the smallest mistake could ruin it all. It wasn't too far from the truth, actually: It wouldn't need much to increase Levelier's distrust when they were Allen's friends.
"I think we have a good idea, yes…" He replied firmly. While he looked at the man, his mind didn't accept the image, focused on another thing to the point it was a surprise it wasn't affecting his vision in the manner of a hallucination.
"Allen arrested. Allen in a dungeon. Allen saying goodbye to Lenalee." A mocking voice seemed to chant and though he hadn't witnessed such scenes, imagination painted them with near perfection. He knew Allen well and could guess he had left not with tears, but with a smile, just so he wouldn't worry his friend. It was typical of him…
And the man with who they were being forced to speak in a respectful tone was responsible for that, for that web of events in which the lines crossed and mixed. Even if it was, perhaps, partially, it was enough to make Krory's blood burn. And, like a rat in a cage, there was nothing he could do. And this was in turn the ice born under his bones, revealed when the fire had devoured them. A vicious cycle.
"I imagine you do." Levelier agreed with a nod and leaned his head to the side, never ceasing to smile even though it didn't reach his eyes. "So, could you be so kind as to tell me where do you think Allen Walker would have gone to?"
"Gone to?" Krory questioned, the tone acting as honey to hide the bite, his mind pulling a fine thread which held in the end shadow of a castle, of moonlit hallways smelling as antiques and flowers. Of loneliness.
And that man dared to…?
"Allen Walker has abandoned the Order…" Levelier went on, not seeing how Krory's teeth started to press against each other. Miranda took a deep breath but didn't sigh, feeling the words that would follow. "The boy was sly, we can't open new gates in the Ark without him. And his golem has no tracker."
He looked at them.
"Do you understand what this means?"
None of them said anything.
The use of the Ark was the least of their worries at the moment and besides, the Portals that had been already created with fixed locations (made by Allen to help the Order, they might add) could still be used anyway. It wasn't like that thing had become worthless.
And if it had, it didn't matter that much either… They knew of its importance, but their minds were unable to care as much as they perhaps should. When Allen had been arrested, Krory had imagined many ways this could end, but… It was as if he hadn't considered (or wanted to) this scenario.
"However, we managed to find out that all Portals were opened in the night he ran off, some were created to other places and then closed. We can't open those again. And it is impossible to know which one he actually used. Allen Walker has disappeared in the world." He separated his hands, the long pianist-like fingers pointing to opposite directions. "Poof. Gone."
Krory had to bite back the wish to say they should just thank Allen for destroying only those new portals and leaving the old ones for the Order's use. Miranda and Lenalee remained in silence. The three of them avoided exchanging looks at this new information, knowing Levelier didn't mean to just share it and leave it at that.
"I've sent several agents of the Central after him and until now, there hasn't been even one information of his whereabouts. Not a single one." Levelier shook his head, his eyes holding the others in place. After a moment without answer, he muttered between teeth. "A person doesn't just disappear in the world without leaving any sort of track."
"Tell that to General Cross, why don't you?" The three thought, remembering how they had gone until Edo in search of Allen's Master, without allowing their minds to also drown in the hell of what had followed: The battles with the Noahs in the Ark. But the thought, as the information, were sources of some relief: If Levelier had any hint (or even suspicion) about where Allen might be, he would certainly mention it now, whether trying to create a pressure to make them tell something or to see their reactions.
And after years traveling with Cross, it wouldn't be surprising that Allen might have learned some of his methods to hide (be it from the Order be from the people he owed money to).
It wasn't the same as saying Allen was safe and sound, but they would grab whatever they could…
It had to mean something, right?
"Therefore, I want to know if there is any special place where he might have run to. Assuming…" The man added softly, raising his head a bit more, arms now leaning in the armrest of his chair. His smile didn't change in shape, yet Lenalee felt a shiver down her spine. "That he has not joined the Noahs yet."
"Allen would never do this!" Krory growled before he could hold his tongue.
"Impossible." Miranda whispered.
"Allen is an Exorcist." The words escaped Lenalee's mouth. "He will always be."
Levelier didn't react at once before their denials, just kept observing them. There was a moment of silence in which none of the presents looked away.
"Your loyalty is, if nothing else, touching." Miranda didn't know if this was as much of a compliment as it might sound. In her city of birth, she had grown used to read alterations in other's expressions, where a second could last for eternity. And right there, there was an instant in which an emotion flashed in Levelier's gaze… A brief as a fish approaching surface just enough to create a wave and let the light cross the water to touch its scales.
Was he being sarcastic or not?
"However, try seeing things from this point of view…" He suggested. "If Allen Walker didn't leave to join the Noahs… Then, they will surely be chasing him. Wouldn't he be safer if he was here once more?"
"What for? So you can throw him back in the dungeons?" Miranda reflected, aware that this was still in the extreme good of the spectrum of what could happen should Allen be caught. And she wouldn't be surprised if the options on the opposite side of it were the ones to come true, either…
Suddenly, she felt heavy inside.
Somehow… It felt strange to not have Allen around. He had been with the Order before her, had been there with her… It was, perhaps, not surprising that she felt his absence so much, regardless if they hadn't been in the same unit. In a sense, people's presence could become a constancy in life and when they left…
It was even worse because Allen was a friend and she had no idea where he would be now.
They all remained in silence, unsure of how to reply to the suggestion without saying something that Levelier (or any other member of the Order) could later interpret as a sign of betrayal. God knew that paranoia regarding traitors slithered in the shadows, now more than never. During the time since Allen's departure, the mutterings in which you could hear "traitor", among other offenses and curses, seemed to have increased greatly.
Levelier's silence was the kind hungry for an answer. There was no backing away.
"Allen has nowhere to go." Miranda ended up saying. The words had the taste of bitter truth being recognized, while also feeling the safest thing to say. On another occasion, she would have spared more thought to the paradox.
Levelier raised his eyebrows.
"He spent years traveling with Cross before coming to the Order. Certainly, during those years, they must have stopped somewhere that he may consider special or safe… Being friends, surely he must have talked about it with you?" He added gently.
Lenalee would have laughed if she could, as she very much doubted anything related to Cross would be quite considered so by Allen. At the mention of "special", she thought perhaps about the place where his adoptive father, Mana, would be buried… That place would undoubtedly count as "special", but not in the sense Levelier had in mind. And she wasn't sure Allen would even want to go there… Not that she even knew where that was, Allen had never spoken much of Mana, much less the details of his death…
And now that she thought about it, she had never tried asking, either…
In the end, she didn't know more than the others: The man was a traveling pierrot who had taken Allen in and died when he was younger. The Earl had approached the boy with his offer of bringing Mana back. Allen had accepted it. Once the skeleton had been possessed by Mana's soul, becoming his eternal cage, he had managed to keep control just long enough to cut Allen's face as he cursed him. This had made the Innocence react, activating itself for the first time, killing Mana in the process...
What had remained had been a scar in his face and a curse in his eye.
Lenaleee felt uncomfortable, realizing it was too little to know about someone who must have been so special to Allen… But he never talked much about it himself, so…
"He must have his reasons. It must be too painful, too. He doesn't have the obligation of telling us everything of his life…"
"I can't think of anywhere…" She confirmed Miranda's words with a shrug, pretending her moments of silence had been spent searching in her memory for some useful information, hoping Levelier would believe it. After all, even if any of them knew of such a place, they wouldn't tell him anyway.
The corners of Krory's mouth twisted, a bitter taste spreading to his body as words turned into ashes in his mouth. Special place? This had been the Order, the first place Allen had been able to call home as far as they knew. All Krory wanted was to leave this room and Levelier's presence, but there was no way of doing it without his permission which the Inspector wouldn't give until he had said all he wanted, even if he couldn't receive the desired answers.
"What do you really want?" The vampire wondered, studying Levelier's face. The man most likely had considered that none of them would say anything even if they did know. Had he insisted on questioning them just to confirm this?
"Even so, there must be." The Superior decided with a shrug so fast that it could have been taken as a nervous tick. "I ask you to consider and think of any possibility and inform me."
His eyes dragged over each one slowly, spiders that left an acid trace behind.
"The longer Allen Walker is away, the higher are the chances of him being captured by the Noah" He waited some seconds before leaning to them with a whisper. "Or dominated by the Fourteenth. Assuming this hasn't happened already…"
"This" Lenalee started, doing her best to not let him see her fear. "Could have happened when he was in that dungeon."
Levelier glanced at her, with a measured expression of surprise.
"Oh? This didn't seem to bother any of you before."
He sat straight once more, never blinking, not allowing them time to reply.
"You're dismissed."
Despite the sweet aroma of the room, of tea and clean wood, Lenalee was only able to breathe when the door closed at her back. Miranda's muscles finally relaxed and Krory's shoulders dropped a little as well.
"This is not over" The man commented, to them or himself, perhaps both. The iron had left his voice as well, but his fists were clenched. "He is going to try talking to us again or…"
"But he must know we won't say anything..." Miranda replied, Levelier's words still ringing in her ears. Lenalee didn't want to discuss it and decided to walk away. There were no missions assigned and she had free time now after her daily training. Maybe she could just go back to her room, or maybe just pass by the kitchen for some coffee, anything, as long as she was left alone.
"Lenalee…" Miranda whispered gently, but Lenalee didn't turn. She didn't mean to hurt Miranda or Krory's feelings or to be rude by doing so, but she just couldn't stay there and partake in a conversation, not right at the moment, nor could she bear to listen to one. If anything, she didn't want to think about anything related to those events. Not yet, at least.
During the week following… Following what had happened, and for quite some days more, when she would wake up, for brief seconds in which the remains of sleep and dreams still blurred her mind, Lenalee almost forgot those events, since the attack of the Noahs to the imprisonment of Allen and his leaving… No, this was not a good term. Disappearing, then? It hurt less to think of it as such…
But not much.
"Like Lavi…" A dark corner of her mind whispered, making her eyes close as her teeth went for the lower lip as if the pain was the only anchor left to stop her from drowning in those thoughts.
It wasn't fair.
It just wasn't fair.
Behind her, Miranda sighed and turned her eyes to Krory who just shook his head slowly. Both would have liked to have something to say, but the words that floated between them were useless. Lenalee wasn't fine, none of them were. There were a plethora of words available, yes, the old clichés that one could hold to in situations of tension, of course, but what use were them at the end of the day?
Many words, indeed.
All empty and useless.
"I think all we can do now is to hope that he is safe…" Miranda whispered just to break the silence, shaking her head, the dark hair following the movement, a waving veil of silk. "Oh, what am I saying? This doesn't help in anything…"
Nothing did. She felt a bitter taste behind her eyes as if they were about to be burned.
"Oh? This didn't seem to bother any of you before."
She had long been praying to God for Allen's protection and though peace could be found in those moments and she knew she could not demand answers, the shadows of the human mind are set free at night when one cannot sleep and she had wondered if God would hear her prayers at all, if they would do any good… On those occasions, despite her faith, her prayers felt too weak to be of true value.
"No, I can't think like this. God always hears our prayers, even if we don't realize it..." Ever since she was a young girl, Miranda had found a sanctuary in religion and though she had lost the love or confidence in herself in the past, her trust in God never had faltered. "It is easy to say we have faith when things are alright…"
"No…" Krory said in the same tone, aware of what she meant. "It doesn't do anything. But I believe Allen would be happy to know it…" One might say there was no help in this idea either, but Krory considered this better than nothing. He couldn't avoid the weight that came to him at this, not needing it to take shape to understand its roots. "It is not enough either, I know…"
His tone became quieter at each word, as he started thinking again about something that had been in his mind since days ago, something that was still between an idea and a decision that he didn't dare to turn into words, as if the process would weaken it.
"We have to trust him…" He chose to say instead. "Like he always trusted us…"
That was all left for them to do by now. Trust Allen.
Miranda kept her gaze lowered as they walked side by side through the hallways. The people who passed by them could very well be ghosts to their senses.
"And how did we return this?" Miranda asked in such a low voice that Krory could only hear her due to his senses being above the normal. And in her words were the meaning of the bitter taste that assaulted him from time to time.
To this, he had no answer and a mute comprehension formed between them.
Both doubted that other members of the Order would understand, especially those who didn't know Allen as they did, but the truth was that Allen Walker had been their first friend, their first real friend…
It had been Allen who had given Krory a reason to stay alive after Eliade's death, something for him to hold on to as he recovered from having killed the first person whom he had truly known, the first person he had talked to besides his grandfather, the one had always seen him as nothing more than an object. At her side, the hallways in the castle weren't so suffocating and the pieces of his grandfather's collection weren't mirrors reflecting how he was no more than them, just another a "piece", not truly alive and with nowhere to go or where to stay besides that cage.
Eliade had been the first person in all those long years to regard him as "someone", calling him by his name (something his own grandfather had never done), offering him a gentleness he had never thought that existed…
And, akuma or not, he had loved her.
And, akuma or not, he had killed her.
Back then, the world had been rendered a useless stain around him. Blurred, meaningless. And yet, it had been Allen who had immediately gave him some reason to continue, giving him a hand to save him from drowning. Later, with time, this reason had been strengthened by others, but Krory would never have found them if it hadn't been for Allen being there when the song of suicide had been more alluring than before.
And hadn't he realized, in his fight with Jasdero and Devit in the Ark, that one of his reasons to stay alive was to protect his friends?
Miranda couldn't remember ever feeling like she belonged somewhere, even as a child... The feelings of her home had slowly dissolved over time with her parents' growing frustration at a daughter who seemed to be born to fail at everything. She might not have been restrained in the way Krory had been, but it didn't matter. The isolation was similar enough. She could be free to walk the streets of her city, but she was just as alone… Always alone. The despise of others was just another sort of cage with no means of escaping. Every attempt would just give birth to new failures, increasing the cold, red wounds.
Her persistence at trying, again and again, couldn't change that fact: She was alone. The ones she had once believed to be her friends, true friends, would always end up mocking her, growing bored of her presence, and finally, they would carry on with their lives and leave her behind. Her parents had given up on her… And in the end, she had been left with no one at her side to hear her or smile at her or offer her a word that had, in its sound, anything close to affection...
More than her flaws, more than her mistakes and failures, it was that loneliness that left her helpless to fight the ice that wrapped her day after day after day. Oh yes, the sun could shine all it wanted and still didn't touch her. The people around her were real and at the same time, made of mist because she couldn't reach out to them.
Alone…
Useless Miranda, right? Useless, couldn't do a thing right, what a waste, didn't she ever get tired of never doing anything for anyone? Couldn't she see how she annoyed everyone just by being there and why she had to be like that, useless, useless Miranda…
Allen and Lenalee had been the first people to try helping her… She had almost forgotten how gentleness sounded until they talked to her and then, for the first time, someone had thanked her. Someone was grateful. She had been able to help someone and they were happy that she was alive. It had been the notion that those people would be with her in the Black Order that had given her courage to leave behind the city she had known all her life and throw herself in that new life, with the hope of still being able to do something good while being at the side of people who could become her friends…
They gazed at each other. Those were memories that needed not to be translated into words, not with the comprehension that passed between them in an invisible thread. Both knew that such reasons could be interpreted as sentimental exaggerations and nonsense, especially by those who had never been at the other end of a similar situation.
Allen Walker had been someone who had saved them from this.
Allen Walker had helped them.
Their friend.
And how they had repaid that?
Levelier was right.
They hadn't liked to know Allen was in the dungeons, but they hadn't done anything either.
"I feel disgusting…" Miranda whispered, another bitter echo running through her body again. And even with her mind running through a maze of conjectures, she couldn't find any idea of what they could do now.
What had they done?
"They will send us out in missions soon enough…" Krory replied, still feeling the impotence he had felt back in Levelier's office. Now, the anger slowly left him and it was no better. In its place, there was a hollow feeling to which he had no name.
They exchanged looks.
And nodded in a silent promise.
They would do whatever they could during their missions to try and find Allen. And if they did, then they would try to help in any way they could.
It didn't matter what they would have to do, they just wouldn't repeat the same mistake…
If they ever saw him again, that was.
"Touching loyalty indeed…" Miranda thought to herself.
XxX
"In the end, we left town that afternoon," Elana was telling them as they walked down a street. "It was a pity, the job was paying well and we would have liked to stay for some weeks more. At least, I would."
Upon waking up, they had had a quick breakfast during which they had attempt to talk about amenities, words still fragile as they tried to seek a subject that felt safe for all of them until, somehow, they found themselves talking about their own travels and Elana had been telling about one occasion they had needed to run away from a city after getting a glimpse of two Finders.
Before, Allen would have hesitated to agree with this action.
Today, he considered it sensible.
"I usually get money on card games." He commented almost absently. Elana and the others had the routine of spending some time in a town only if they managed to get a job, otherwise, they were always on the move. There were places where finding temporary work was easier than in others, due to some establishments not minding to employ travelers for just some weeks. According to Lauren, places that attracted many tourists or were in certain popular routes were usually the best. The girl had wondered whether they should seek work, in case their investigation lasted for a while and asked for Allen and Raz's opinion.
"I don't know…" Allen muttered feeling at loss about what to say, even if he had been mentally revising scenarios of what he would have to do from now on ever since he had had to run away. Staying and investigating was a tempting option, but this more due to the traits of nostalgia and of a safer past. He could no longer think in those patterns, he couldn't forget that he was being hunted. "I don't think it's a good idea…"
He turned to Raz, who just exchanged glances with him for a second before lowering her eyes. Allen was already thinking this was a sign that she wouldn't get involved.
"Maybe you… Should try to find this… This Innocence, just one more time." She tried, without any intonation. "By now, more people are talking about monsters… And the lights. They will end up sending someone soon."
They knew she meant not only the Order but the Noahs as well.
"I agree with Raz." Alison said, her panther-like green eyes seemingly evaluating the street ahead when actually turned to inside, to her own thoughts and the options available. It was not the group's policy to investigate those matters anymore and it had been years since she (or any of them) had found themselves in this position. Just like Allen, this agitated memories. "Those akumas we found were too strong…" And if anyone asked her, the girl wasn't sure how they would fare if the Earl sent even stronger akumas, as he likely would.
It was far simpler when they just traveled without a route, destroying akumas when they could find them. Now Alison felt being pulled back to a web which threads started to feel more complex than before. Last night, she and Lauren had talked for a while about it before going to bed. They both agreed that Allen and Raz didn't give the impression to be bad people, nor did they seem to be lying… Back when they had crossed paths, Lauren had invited them to eat out of the need of going to a more public area. It was open for debate whether the presence of other people would prevent them from downright trying to imprison them on sight or not, but she had felt it would be better than to stay in an isolated area.
She had been friendly enough and offered information regarding who they were (which it was, in the end, easy to guess), which at times might make people more tolerant to also talk about themselves. It could create a light environment and, without thinking, people at times ended up saying more than they should because of it. Allen had been open with them only in the same measure, which Alison had considered a good sign. If he had been more eager to share, in her opinion, it would've meant either that he had escaped the Order rather recently (and had no experience yet with what this implied) or he was still with the Order and lying to get information about them.
Samuel, however, had seemed more accepting of Allen. Not quite trusting him, but enough to believe that he had indeed left the Order. Well, true, everything until now seemed to indicate Allen and Raz were okay, but Alison was still unsure. Like the others from the group, she knew better than to believe mere impressions and was more alert than usual for anyone who appeared to be watching them. And in the event of those two being honest, there was still the information regarding the way that the boy had given to be considered, which had been quite terrifying news… As it used to happen when that was the matter at hand, Alison had spent a long time separating the several lines that made the yarn of emotions she had towards… Well, all of it.
Her situation, and of the others, was a constant dance on thin ice and it would take one misstep to shatter it all and throw them in the darkness.
"Because this is what the Order would do, no doubt." She had reflected when turning in her bed, weariness finally approaching her body to grant it sleep. They would be far more valuable alive due to their Innocence of course, however, considering they had run away…
Some people would believe it was better to kill a worthless dog than to try taming it again.
"Okay, then…" Lauren nodded, raising her hands as someone showing they were unarmed. "Just this time more. If we're lucky, this very night, okay?" The nights when the lights appeared were becoming far more frequent (gathering from what they had heard), and it was an accepted fact that it would be easier to find the Innocence during it. They might not have to worry about stumbling across normal people. It was the only good thing regarding the rumors of the "monsters" and "bears" and the "disappearances" if Lauren was asked about it: No one seemed to have the courage to go to the forest anymore, regardless of the temptation of seeing that beauty up close.
It didn't mean they would spend the day without doing anything, of course.
The doors of the church standing in front of them were simple, of carved wood with two large metal knockers. The construction was of gray stone that brought out the colored glass of the windows, arranged to display images of angels or saints. The small garden in front (if it could be called that) was well kept, no more than a green little field with occasional shrubs of flowers and a rosebush, cut by a path of stone connecting the doors to the iron gates.
Elana observed it for a moment, enjoying the usual peace that would come to her when so close to places of religious worship and thought the building was beautiful exactly because of its simplicity. She knew her appreciation was probably influenced by her belief, not that she cared.
The interior was just as simple, with the benches of dark wood placed one after the other in two lines ending in front of an altar. The sunlight brought in the colors of the windows as ghostly veils, which reflected on the floor of concrete. The silence around was that of a gentle mantle and Allen saw three or four people sitting or kneeling down, involved in their own prayers.
"Do you think they are here?" Alison asked in a whisper, eyes going from a corner to the other. There was a door next to the altar and a passage on the left side that seemed to lead towards a small hallway with a few doors.
"The inn's owner said they should be." There was some doubt in Allen's voice. "At least one of them."
During their brief interrogations throughout the town, two people had commented about the priests of that church: The librarian and a boy working selling newspapers. They had been mentioned during the conversation because one of them had studied medicine and both had, some weeks ago, helped in the investigations when the rumors of monsters and demons had started, accentuated by the missing people.
The newspaper' boy had leaned closer to them, muttering about a corpse that had been reduced to black ashes, something few people would talk about it. And he swore he would deny it if someone else asked him.
"People are too scared to talk about it." He had told them as he tried to display bravery he clearly didn't feel. Allen had already seen attempts of this nature in too many people to be blind to the signs. The local police by now had also probably forbidden people to go to the forest, but the boy doubted that might have worked on someone who was more curious and reckless.
One more reason why it would be better to finish it all as soon as possible.
Yet, if nothing happened this night, they would have no choice but to leave.
Despite trying to be logical, the idea still bothered him.
"I think there might be someone in there." Samuel indicated the hallway with a nod. "If they are not here, maybe we can find someone who helps the church. They may know. I'll take a look". And with that, he walked away, knocking in the first door at the right. The others couldn't fully see, but a person must have answered, as Samuel leaned closer as if whispering.
"I'm still not sure why we need to talk to them…" Lauren muttered with a shrug. "Even if it might not be that risky, we already know what is going on anyway." While there was no risk in attending the Masses, they usually avoided actual contact with priests due to the Order's connection with the Vatican. After learning the priests of that church might have some info, they had discussed whether or not talk to them and decided to rely on the fact that there were some small churches which weren't in contact with the Order and probably didn't even know about the existence of Akumas or Innocences. Allen remembered the Gates he had opened for the Organization and that particular city was not part of the list.
He could only hope they weren't making a mistake.
"I don't think it would be a bad idea to try gathering as much information as we can about when or why those lights started…" Elana told her calmly, as they might have at least some idea of where exactly in the forest the Innocence could be. There was probably also myth regarding the lights as well… Elana wouldn't deny she would like to hear it, only more for the sake of her own curiosity than anything else, as she knew there were low chances of it being of any actual help.
This got her thinking about the phenomena that the Innocence caused. Each one was always unique, which wasn't a surprise when you thought about it. Unbeknown to her Allen was thinking about the same thing and his first mission for the Order.
The city of Matel… That doll, Lala…
Kanda.
His mind, by instinct, cut the line of thought so brusquely that he could almost hear the sound of a branch being broken against a knee inside his skull.
"It is always a good idea to know everything we can." He joined Elana, just to say something and shrugged. "Who knows, if they helped to investigate, even if just for a while, perhaps they know which way we should follow…" His eyes went to Raz, however, the Noah remained lost in her own silence, as if observing the church without actually seeing anything.
"Hey" Samuel was back, he pointed behind him with his thumb. A redhaired woman was waiting in the hallway and presented a sweet smile when the others followed Samuel's gesture. "That woman told me that Father Jon and Father Mana should be upstairs. She will take us to see them."
A taste of ashes reached Allen's mouth and whatever he might have said lost its meaning. It didn't last more than a second, but it felt more for him. He knew what Samuel had said didn't harbor any significance. "Mana", while an uncommon name, wasn't so rare that no one else would have it… But he couldn't help the memories it carried for him, of a gentle face and laughter, as hearing the name of someone we know often does even if it's a completely different person. Those sensations came from so deep inside it felt like unburying memories that weren't truly his and, exactly because of that, Allen held on to them.
Because they were his memories. That was his life.
"Raz?" Alison called. While the group walked towards the hallway, the girl remained where she was, face a pale mask that didn't betray anything even when she turned to Alison.
"I just need to sit for a while. I'll wait for you here." And she walked between the two lines of benches before taking a seat at the third closest to the altar. Elana observed her for a second, before apparently deciding to give the other her space while Samuel leaned to Allen.
"Allen… I mean not to pry, but is she alright?" She seemed to be just the type to keep things to herself, but when one took into account their situation it might easily be more than that.
The white-haired boy realized that there was no reliable answer for that. It was a question with many ramifications and meanings when it should have been simple… Damn, he wouldn't have known what to say if Samuel had asked if he was alright… Nevertheless, Allen considered the answer would be negative in both accounts.
"She has been through a lot…" It wasn't quite a lie and it would be better to keep things simple. "She needs some time."
Allen thought that before such an answer, Samuel might insist but the man merely nodded and said no more. Alison gazed back at Raz with an unidentifiable expression.
"I hope she will be okay, then" Lauren muttered. "Look, if you guys need to talk to someone, we're here, okay?" She suggested calmly. She didn't expect the girl or Allen to actually tell them anything just like she wasn't about to, but there was sincerity in her words as there was much that could have happened to them, just as it had happened to her, Alison and the others.
With this, her mind went to the Order. After escaping, she would think about it often until the habit of pushing it to the corner of her brain would diminish the occasions while turning it into more a ghost of sensations rather than actual thoughts. She had never forgotten the places, nor the faces of those she had trusted so much… It still haunted her… The girl had long ago accepted the fact that it would be like this forever. Finding Elana, Samuel and Alison had helped her: It wasn't that things got any easier, but it was less complex and painful when you were not alone, especially if the others could really comprehend you.
XxX
There was something like comfort in the silence.
Raz wouldn't have the words to explain, even to herself. It wasn't an empty silence similar to that of an empty street like she had experienced before, nor was it something that weighted around threatening to crush her body. Rather, it was something that wrapped around her without violence…
It was pleasant.
Her eyes wandered around without her moving her head, taking in the details as lines in a complex tapestry. There were spaces between the windows and, at a point before the altar, the walls in the sides made each a large half-circle. In one, there was a tall statue of a man holding a baby and some flowers. In the other, a woman in a tunic with hair falling over her shoulders.
Just like the people represented in the stained windows, Raz had no idea of who they were, but taking in account the passages of the Bible she had read last night (with Allen's help when she came across words she didn't understand), the Noah half-guessed that they should be Joseph and Mary, just as she guessed the windows to be representing saints or passages she hadn't read yet.
It made no difference.
Before the statue of Mary, there was a man who shouldn't be older than Elana, kneeling in the steps, praying.
It was the first church she ever stepped in and once again, she found herself wondering about the matter of religion and faith… Allen believed it, but she wasn't so sure. Her gaze went to the main altar. The white stone table was covered by a cloth of sorts, with nothing on it except for two candlesticks and what seemed to be a base to place an open book.
Behind the table, there was a longer, ornated one (though "table" didn't seem the best description). It resembled more a wall of sorts with a small door in the center. She had no idea of what was being kept in there.
Above it all, there was a cross.
Raz studied the face of Jesus Christ, her mind empty of any thought.
The crown of thorns was pressed against the brown hair, piercing the head. Blood flew from the wounds, drops falling over his face painted in such a way that Raz thought they would look fresh in the candlelight.
His hands bleed as well, each stuck to the wood by a nail. In the body's side, a red crack. His head was dropped to his chest, too weary, too hurt.
Jesus' eyes were half-open.
With the cross in the wall like that, it was almost as if he was seeing the people entering the church.
From somewhere inside her, Raz reflected the statue was well detailed… From the way the blood slithered down to the expression, whoever had made it had clearly put a lot of effort… The same way she supposed a painter would spend hours converting his feelings and visions into brushstrokes as he tried to get the exact hue of the colors…
But paintings didn't need to represent reality, just like that statue didn't need to represent the truth… Right? Or could it be that this man represented before her had truly existed? And if he had, had he truly been the Son of God?
Even today, so many people believed it to be true…
But this wasn't reason enough to convince her.
Was there someone, somewhere beyond the Universe, who had created everything?
She blinked, ignoring the wave of discomfort that washed her blood… Jesus's mouth was half opened in a last sigh or labored breathing. Though there was a distinct pain in his features, the sculptor had also marked that face with an expression Raz couldn't understand. It was almost serene. But who, in that position, with nails crossing flesh, a crown of thorns in his head, would have such expression?
Impossible.
Allen wasn't the only one that believed it, right? The people who were here now. There were thousands of others who did, too, Allen had told her that. But it didn't move her, as Raz's uncertainty was slowly falling into the realm of disbelief. How could everything she had read about God be possible? And even if she tried to approach it from the point of view that it was, there were still questions and the lack of answers threw her mind back to the starting point. A race in circles that made no sense to her…
"Beautiful, isn't it?" A voice at her side asked. She glanced sideways without movie her head, finding a tall man, whose dark eyes studied the cross for more seconds before turning to her, a smiling gracing the unknown face.
"I believe I never saw you here before, miss?"
"Just passing by…" She replied evaluating the man for the smallest sign of hostility. His hair was of a deep red, almost the color of blood, falling in waves over his shoulders with a beginning of baldness above his forehead. The long tunic he wore was white and she noticed a black collar underneath.
The man nodded and Raz' looked back at the cross.
"It has been here a long time." He continued seeing her gaze. "Since before I was born."
The girl didn't feel any wish to engage in conversation with someone she didn't know, especially about such subjects. She would rather be left in peace…
"I don't believe much in this. God and Jesus, I mean." She added before he misinterpreted her words. To her surprise, the man laughed. A low sound, to not bother the others, but deep and almost melodic. She hadn't quite expected this reaction.
"Well, this is confusing. How can you not believe "much"? You either believe it or you don't."
Raz evaluated him again, debating whether or not to carry on the conversation. His words had a playful enough tone and the black eyes held no malice or despise. The girl shrugged and even though the phrase "Then I don't believe" was on her mouth, she picked another route that was closer to the truth, as there was no reason to lie about it.
"I never thought much about it. Only recently…" While her tone was kept polite, there were veins among her words that made it clear to which point her thoughts were leaning to.
The priest (for there were no doubts of who he was) nodded in understanding and placed his hand in the back of the bench, in a way of requesting permission. Raz stayed still for a moment before nodding.
"What is your name, young one?" He asked never averting his gaze.
"Raz."
"It is a pleasure to meet you, Raz. I'm Father Mana." He offered his hand for a shake before leaning his arms on his legs. Now that he was closer, Raz could see wrinkles forming at the corner of his eyes and wondered how old he was. "Well, you know, many people wonder about faith and beliefs, whether they have never thought about it or have believed in their religion for all their lives."
She tilted her head, almost frowning. She hadn't thought that people who had faith wondered about it… And this brought back a question she had had last night. Moments ago, Raz wouldn't have cared about continuing the conversation, but it occurred to her that perhaps since this man was a priest and so involved in those subjects, he might have some answers or something that would help her understand even if just a little more.
"Why do you believe?"
He wondered briefly if by this that girl meant him alone or everyone who believed and chuckled to himself.
"You talk as if everyone shares the same motive." Looking at the altar, his eyes were warm with an emotion Raz didn't know how to name. It looked pleasant, either way. "Once, a friend of mine said he had asked this to others and the answer that bothered him the most was that they just believed or knew it to be true."
Raz could understand that person. This answer sounded so empty of meaning that it became useless. It didn't clarify matters at all. She waited, interested in what that priest had to say. Maybe, with that conversation, she would be able to reflect on it better… And perhaps decide where she stood.
"However, this question may sound simple, but the truth is that when you believe, there are so many personal reasons as to why that the deepest one seems to be just that, your feelings regarding God."
"Faith…" She muttered, to which he nodded.
"Not only that" He raised his hand in a gesture that he would be back to that point later. "Who can explain feelings with just reason? Well, since Vincent, that friend of mine, wanted a more elaborated answer, I tried to explain one of my reasons."
She remained quiet, curious now.
"Raz… To me, when it comes down to God, you just have to look at the world." The man smiled as if he was talking about the dearest of his friends, someone who was kind and gentle and loving. "The balance between day and night. How a seed grows into a tree, feeding on the earth and light. The way how living being's bodies work. Nature is, if you ask me, proof of the existence of God. Everything is too balanced to be a mere coincidence. That's what I think."
Even if she didn't know details of what he was talking about and had no academic knowledge, Allen had told her a few things regarding what Father Mana was saying, so Raz had a reply to this.
"Those things took ages and ages to develop and reach this point today…" She said carefully, as to not offend his own reasons, but also to express she wasn't sure this worked for her as it did for him. He didn't seem at all bothered.
"Of course, but can you say it's all coincidence? From what I see, God created and uses Nature to work His wonders. There is so much diversity, so many different shapes of life and everything is in balance? No, I can't see this as mere chance."
Raz thought about it. Well, it wasn't as if she had spent days and days thinking about the simple fact that something like life itself existed or the variety of it (not just fauna and flora, but also how each being was always, always unique even after so many ages. It was now that she indeed thought about it), but the idea that the Universe, in its grandiosity, had just happened didn't stay firm in her mind… Everything had to start somewhere. And existence had just started, if it was all chaotic, maybe life couldn't even be.
So, yes, there was balance, okay.
Even so, the girl wasn't sure this was reason enough to believe in a superior and all-creating existence.
"What about faith?" She asked, returning to the previous point. Maybe one could say this was the belief in God, but she had already learned some things couldn't simply be translated into words. Wait, maybe this was a similar case? Maybe explaining faith would be like… Like trying to explain colors to a blind person?
The idea made some sense. If faith was so connected to emotions, then…
Father Mana observed her, his soft smile never faltering. It was strange, but the more he spoke, the less uncomfortable she was. He was silent for a moment.
"Well, see it like this, if you will… When you love a friend, and he loves you back, I mean actually loves you back, don't you feel it? Through their gestures and words?" He took her silence as either an affirmation or an incentive to carry on. "It is the same. That's why my friend heard people saying they felt God's existence."
Raz understood he was justifying that type of answer, nothing more. His words floated inside of her while she wasn't sure she would ever find meaning for them.
"But you do care for Allen, don't you? You've chosen to follow him…"
She looked ahead again, to the crucified Jesus. The supposed Son of God who had sacrificed himself for the sake of humanity…
"I still don't know if I understand it… Or believe it." The words escaped her as animals trying to leave the cage. She wondered if the man would grow tired of this and leave, but he remained there. He leaned closer and seemed about to hold her hand when Raz flinched. It was a fast, almost a tick, but he understood and kept his original position and distance.
"Raz… In the end, no one can decide for you." He hesitated before adding, gently. "But we're having this conversation, so let me tell you something that I think… You can't demand evidence or want to believe only if something good happens because you asked for it. This is not how faith works."
He stood up, leaning his hands in his knees and groaning a little, one of his legs shuddering with a light spasm under the weight of his body that made a wave of disturb pass by his face for a second before he firmed himself.
"This may sound like a paradox, I know, but I think the absence of what people call undeniable evidence is also a proof." Seeing her tilting her head to the side, in a way that was clearly of confusion, he completed. "He gives us free will always, including the freedom of deciding to not believe despite His wonders. He gave us knowledge about Him, sent His son and you're still free to refuse to believe if you want to. Me, I find my evidence with my faith."
Raz opened her mouth, but she couldn't think about what to say, so she closed it again. If she were to deny something's existence because it needed to be felt, then she would be denying the existence of emotions altogether.
Father Mana smiled in understanding.
"I do hope I have not bothered you..." He said though she had been the one who had first asked. "As I said, you're the only one who can decide." Someone came closer, keeping a polite distance and whispering for him. Father Mana turned, indicated he would be right there and turned back to Raz with a smile and a goodbye, leaving the girl with the shadows that slithered inside her.
Raz rested her back against the bench, looking at her hands before looking up to the painted eyes of Jesus. Father Mana's words had not bothered her, even if they had agitated her doubts without doing much to dissolve them.
He had said it was her decision. Perhaps she should try to think about it not with her mind, but her heart and without any "previous" half-formed opinion…?
In the end, she had no idea what to decide.
And if this was a choice based on emotions, then she was lost.
All she felt was a vast emptiness that still haunted her along with the lack of memories… And the sensation of an absolute inexistence… How could she know what to believe in when there were moments when Raz didn't know if she believed even in herself?
XxX
"Then I went and dropped everything over that official…" Lauren carried on, her shoulders shivering with a nervous laugh that she tried to hold as she scratched the back of her head, her face blushing by the memory. "It was a hell of silence, everyone just stared…"
"I thought the manager would kill you," Alison recalled, disguising her words with seriousness. The effect was ruined by her smile. Apparently, it was one of those situations that ended up turning strangely funny after a while.
"And that's because Lauren had made up a tearful story just to convince the man to employ them…" Elana commented in an aside-like way to Allen and Raz, who were hearing the girl tell about a job she and Alison had gotten in another town as waitresses, as they used to stay for longer than usual when their savings started to get too low or the city seemed peaceful enough.
"Didn't he fire you guys right there?" Allen asked, unable to see any other way this could have ended. The manager of the restaurant, following Lauren's tale, had accepted them not only during a possible pity (which Alison and Samuel doubted) but also because the city used to get more tourists during summer and he had needed extra help, with almost no other option than the two of them.
"Well, first he apologized to the deputy, even more than Lauren did…" Alison interjected. "But as soon as our shifts were over, he told us he didn't want to see us ever again, not even as clients."
"I remember there were a few times when we crossed paths on the street." Lauren looked to the sky with a false expression of innocence. "Every time he saw me, I thought he was about to commit a homicide."
Allen held a laugh, remembering some bar's managers (and other people) who had cast him the same look due to the debts of his Master. Even on the occasions he managed to pay it off, they were still angry that they hadn't been able to deal with Cross himself.
Before they had returned to the forest, they had wandered around town a little more and when they had stopped to eat, Allen had noticed one group playing cards and had seized the chance of earning some cash, keeping in mind he and Raz would need every penny they could earn. While the Noah girl seemed to have grown used to his "luck" already, the others had been surprised. At some point, their conversation had taken its own path to what they used to do to support themselves.
Allen looked up to the night sky, beyond the cover of leaves that waved in the breeze. Stars speckled the blue-almost-black canvas, drops of silver that had fallen over a sheet.
Father Jon had told them that the lights seemed to appear first at the west, in the depths of the woods. That was the direction they had been walking to ever since sunset and now, the aromas of the night danced in the air as if the whole forest was a flower, blooming under the moon.
Lauren shrugged and Elana commented about that town's summer festival, which made Raz ask if they had stayed there time enough to attend. Allen couldn't forget when Samuel had inquired if Raz was alright and though it was hard to be sure, he couldn't avoid a sensation that…
"I'm impressed that you can manage yourself just by playing cards." Samuel's words broke his line of thought as he smiled, walking without making a sound despite the grass and leaves.
"It was, in part, thanks to Master." He couldn't avoid the answer or the lightness that came to his voice before he realized it. It was a surprise, as he still didn't want to talk about himself, even if it was something with apparently no major consequences, even if Samuel's claim of knowing Cross was true.
He stayed quiet for a while, listening to the sound of their steps over fallen leaves and the whispered words of the others, without truly hearing the words. His own steps started to slow down. Before he realized the question being born in his throat, he was already speaking.
"Do you really believe that Master Cross is alive?"
He stared at Samuel. If it wasn't for the moonlight, the man would have blended with the shadows perfectly, which Allen wasn't sure was just because of his skin color: The man was clearly someone used to walk without being noticed and, of all of them, his steps were the ones that made no noise. It was almost as walking at the side of a panther.
In his turn, the man gazed back at Allen, his eyes a starless night.
"Without a doubt." He answered quietly. "Believe me, Allen, if they didn't find his corpse or Maria's grave, the chances that Cross is alive are very high."
Maybe it was the seriousness he displayed or the confidence marking deep voice, whichever it was, a seed of doubt came to Allen regarding his Master's demise. He knew of the man's skills, especially when it came down to disappearing without a trace… The vision of Apocryphos attacking him filled Allen's mind, so intensely that it could have manifested itself in front of his eyes as a hallucination, but the memory of Cross fighting Tyki Mikk in the Ark now weakened it.
Maybe…
Just maybe…
"Maybe I'll end up believing it when another debt he made in my name appears…" He said without realizing, a sound that could be a laugh escaping his throat. Samuel nodded in agreement with an expression so solemn that Allen didn't resist. "Did he ever do this to you too?"
He wouldn't be surprised, Cross had even borrowed money from Krory and left debts in the name of those Noah twins.
The black man smiled almost like a teenager and gave him a wink.
"Oh, he tried. Just once."
"What did you do?" The idea that Master had done this to Samuel only once was sort of shocking considering the man and Allen doubted the reason had been sentimental, which was confirmed by Samuel rolling his eyes with false innocence.
"Oh, I merely warned him that, should he do it ever again, I would be sure to visit every brothel of every city I went to just to spread certain stories I know."
Allen couldn't stop himself and laughed.
The thoughts about his master started to pull others, like a chain. The time Cross had told of him being the host of the Fourteenth… Another thought started to be formed, but before it left the swamp of his subconscious enough to be recognized, the foliage around them started to become lighter in colors. The trees seemed to reflect the moonlight more intensely, their barks leaving behind the dark hues to dress in a ghostly veil that became greenish.
"It started…" Lauren said in a thin voice as Alison looked around, wonder filling her eyes as the lights started to play in her grey hair. For a moment, no one could say anything as the lights around become stronger, bringing the forest to life.
"It seems to be coming from that direction…" Allen pointed a path among trees where the light was brighter and walked faster before the colors spread too much and they missed the point from which they seemed to come in waves.
The leaves swayed in a lake, trunks seemed to pulsate when the people approached. The aqua-green hue was a living thing floating in the air, slowly turning blueish, a change so soft as the blooming of a flower that you could only notice when the color had already changed completely.
And even now, shell-pink lines slithered in the blue and aqua. Some trees around were already mirrors of light. And the air close to them felt as warm as an embrace. Whatever that light was, it was alive and it was hugging the forest and the group as well, covering them as a mother would to a child during bedtime.
"Is this what the Innocence is doing?" Raz wondered, lost in the sight. At each step, she felt a warm pulsation washing over her and were it not for their objective here, she wouldn't have minded staying and observing it for a while longer…
At the same time, there was also a discomfort deep inside that she associated with the lights, as beautiful as they were, being caused by Innocence. It was not a sensation she cared to analyze much.
Finally, they reached a clearing.
The pulsation of the earth, as a hidden river, echoed up through their flesh, aiming for the heart.
Right ahead, the grass oscillated in with light blue and silver, veins alternating between nacreous, aqua, and aurora-pink. In the center, there was a weeping willow. Allen had never seen a tree this huge or ancient. The branches fell around the trunk as a waterfall of colors, some of the roots were exposed, larger than an arm and pure white.
"My god…" Alison sighed at Allen's side, voice broken by the splendor of what they were seeing. He couldn't stop looking at the tree, the liquid colors dancing among the leaves… Then he spotted a known greenish light among the old twisting roots that soon hid under the earth. The Innocence, whatever it was, was hidden in the center of the tree, among the parts of the roots that were exposed.
Dominated by the vision, he might not have noticed the shadows approaching if it wasn't for the pulsation of his eye breaking the enchantment and making his nerves turn into glass shards.
At his side, an intake of air. Elana let out a low sound that wasn't unlike a growl.
Four shadows stepped into the light.
Three humanoid forms, a kind of mane coming out of their helmets and floating in the air as if they were underwater. Colors didn't reflect in those eyes that shined and rolled, bulbous protuberances in the metal.
The last member of the group looked completely human.
Yet, Allen knew people would say he was the most inhuman of them.
And Allen avoided looking at Raz.
The Level Three akumas stretched their heads in their direction, as dogs anxious for their master's permission to hunt and dismember.
"Well, would you look at that… What a surprise!" A relaxed voice, adorned by a trace of amusement broke the silence in a thousand shards, as well as the peace they had felt until now.
"So, boy, how have you been?" Tyki Mikk asked with a smile.
Allen: You didn't go and did this…
Ana: Uh… You mean the cliffhanger or the meeting with Tyki?
Allen: Both!
Tyki: Oh, c'mon boy, aren't you happy to see me?
Allen: Listen, you did save me last time and I'm grateful, I admit, but this doesn't change the bigger picture.
Ana: No reviews to answer, so I'll just try to make sure they don't start a fight. Hey, you two, stop this bickering!