Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man in any way, all credit goes to Katsura Hoshino.
Summary: Forced to leave the Order, Allen comes across a secret hidden in the depths of the Ark. Now, hunted by the Noah Clan and considered an enemy by the place he once called home, he has to search for the truth... The truth about Mana, Neah and himself. Where he came from and who he really is. Uncovering a web of illusions and doubts, Allen still moves forward as he promised to do... But what do you do in a war, when you feel like you don't belong to any side?
"Friendship is held to be the severest test of character. It is easy, we think, to be loyal to a family and clan, whose blood is in your own veins." – Charles Eastman.
Act Nine – Where Can You Go?
"Good evening." He greeted her with a polite nod. Seeing she still held the Innocence, he indicated it with his chin. "And… What do you intend to do with it?"
His tone was good-humored as when he had spoken in the clearing. Raz's mouth was dry and her heart was unable to decide between punching her chest or remaining in a serene rhythm. An area in her brain had turned into a frozen mist.
That man… It was the first time she was seeing someone who was… Like her. Someone from the Clan. Another Noah… Raz comprehended then that the sensation of before, when he had stepped in the clearing and now, in her veins, was one of recognition. Nothing about him was familiar to her, but the animal self, the instinct, it recognized the presence of another of her own species.
The same family.
"Who are you?" The question escaped her without any control. The sound of her own voice shook her, dispersing part of her lethargy. He wanted the Innocence, obviously, and that should be all that mattered. Raz was aware of such, however, her focus refused to be fixed on that alone.
It was the first time she saw someone like her, at least since from what she could remember…
It was one thing to know the Clan existed and having Allen tell details here and there. Meeting another Noah was something else entirely… She understood it now.
The man backed his head slightly, in a gesture of surprise. His golden eyes stood out all the more in the night, regardless of the moon, with an animalistic shine. Golden drops among ashes.
"Hm? The boy didn't say a thing about me?" He asked in mockery, shaking his head and sighing in a display of disappointment. "If he keeps this up, he will end up hurting my feelings." He leaned forwards just enough to make a short bow, eyes never leaving hers. "I'm Lord Tyki Mikk, member of the Noah Clan and the Noah of Pleasure at your service, Raziah."
He scrutinized her face for a reaction. Her mask slipped just for a second to reveal a brief surprise before becoming firm again. A mask of serene control, but a mask nevertheless. Well, he could fix that and avoided looking at the Innocence for now. He would take care of that in a second.
It was a good opportunity to study the situation and report to the Earl later.
Raz remained still. Allen had mentioned that man back in the train, but just that he had the power to move through matter. The name he called her by didn't go unnoticed and had no meaning at a rational level: It was something inside her blood that responded.
Raziah.
"My name… Raziah…" Answering this call felt as natural as breathing.
"Have you remembered something yet?" Tyki took the chance, as brief as it could be, taking two steps to her direction slowly, sure that the answer would be negative. No doubt Raziah would have already made questions after that akumas' attack, which the boy would have answered as truthfully as he could. Maybe he hadn't told her everything, but he would have told at least a little.
It would be good to find out just how much she knew now.
His attempt at approaching, like a panther to prey, turned Raz's bones cold. It clashed with the sensation she still felt.
"Do you know me?" It was merely a whisper and she wondered how could he know that she didn't remember anything. Then she recalled that one of the akumas in the last town had referred to her as "lost Noah". She had barely paid attention to that back then. Allen had told her they could be used by the Earl as eyes, but she hadn't thought it would be to that level… Oh, what was she thinking? It didn't matter, the result was the same.
"Actually, no." Tyki denied with a gesture of his head. The Noah genes in him did recognize her as a family member and reacted stronger this time since it was the first time they crossed paths, but there were no memories regarding the girl personally. None at all, actually, since he had no memories of the previous incarnation of Joyd.
Raziah's question (Raz, he corrected himself) hadn't any intonation or emotion, words being no more than sounds. He couldn't tell how she might be feeling, but he doubted it was anything close to peace.
"I suppose the boy did tell you at least some stuff? About Exorcists and this stage of destruction we're in? Our Clan?" He inquired, back relaxed and hands in his pockets as if this was but a casual meeting. His behavior did nothing to soothe Raz. Seeing no reason to lie, she nodded slowly.
Well, at least she knew the general picture.
"I knew he would do that."
His eyes slowly went to the Innocence she held before going back to the Noah girl's face.
A smile tore his face apart. His iris seemed to become a thin line. His expression was the essence of a murdering desire.
"So… What do you intend to do with this?"
Raz didn't move. Her muscles ached. She couldn't tell if that man, Tyki, had noticed her distress or not, as he carried on without waiting for a reply.
"You want to destroy it, don't you?" His whisper was a breeze in the night and Raz's eyes widened in a second, surprised that he could know this. Tyki laughed, gesturing to her. "Perfectly natural. Please, do go ahead."
"No."
The Noah of Pleasure's eyebrows rose slightly before the refusal, his twisted amusement not leaving his expression.
"I don't want to." It was not a lie, nor was it completely true. The desire of destroying it still throbbed inside her, but Raz didn't want to feel that and she kept thinking about Lauren, Allen and the others, using their faces as chains to herself. They collided against the desire that held her nerves, making her feel sliced apart.
Still, she couldn't. She couldn't.
"No need to lie, Raz. As I said, it's just natural." He explained as if to a child before snapping his fingers in realization, his smile growing. "Oh, of course! Maybe you don't know it… Then let me tell you…"
Tyki came closer, stopping at a certain distance as for Raz to not feel pressed enough to step away, and leaned in her direction. He whispered dragging the words, a tone meant to share secrets.
"We Noahs have the power to destroy Innocences…"
Raz fought to not look at the Innocence.
She… She could? She could destroy it? Wasn't it an empty wish she could not act upon? Was there a way of…
No, wait, no! She didn't want to do that, she wouldn't do that!
She had to keep the Innocence safe!
Tyki apparently took her silence for hesitation or confusion.
"If that's what you want to do, why hold back?" The question was genuine and made sense. He gestured languidly to her, in incentive. "C'mon, go ahead… Enjoy it."
Tyki's eyes were spiders grabbing her skin. The voice full of sweet poison entered her without Raz being able to stop it. On a side, the idea of feeling the Innocence shattering under her fingers was something she longed to experience.
Maybe… Maybe she should listen to him.
He knew what he was talking about, if they were the same, then he understood. He understood what she was feeling, right?
The Innocence was hateful.
As long as it existed, she would know no peace.
He was from the Clan. He was from the family.
Her Clan. Her family.
He… He…
He could have killed Allen, Alison or any of them.
Tyki took another step, leaning to her as if meaning to hold her hands in his.
"Here, dear… Do you want me to teach you how?"
Raz backed away without stepping back, fighting to silence her own blood. She would not allow this man to notice how her flesh shivered under the skin.
Tyki saw her eyes, gray-blue stones, turning into ice shadows.
"I will not do this." And she wouldn't let him do it either, her tone implied. She had seen moments of his fight with Allen and knew there was no way she could win against him: Not only didn't she know anything about her own abilities, but she also had no fighting experience to rely on.
Thinking about the shadows around, Raz forgot her previous fear and wished for them. Now, their darkness was preferable to what lurked in that man's eyes. The shadows shivered once, some at her feet slithering against her ankles as serpents. At the touch of that which shouldn't be, the Noah girl forced a sound of repulse down her throat, telling herself it was alright.
It was.
Perhaps she could try to see what she could do, not caring about effects or consequences.
Tyki saw what was happening, a soft smile returning to his features. Raz had no idea how a smile could be so terrifying.
"Oh, do you really want to fight me?"
Raz recoiled the hand with the Innocence, almost putting it behind her.
Tyki evaluated the girl, his expression becoming cruel.
A Noah protecting an Innocence. The irony would have had some hilarity if it didn't make his genes twist. The way she had pulled Apocryphos' feathers and helped Allen was something, this now was a completely different matter.
"I could drag you back home…" He sounded as if debating the idea with himself. "Say, Raz… Don't you want to see your family? Don't you want to know who you are?"
She sustained his stare.
"I'll find about that eventually." She replied before giving herself time to let the words sink in, voice an ice needle in the night's air. At her feet, the darkness was alive, shreds of mist rising as fragments of black flames.
"With the boy?"
"Allen is my friend…" Raz growled. "If this means protecting Innocence, so be it."
Tyki sighed with boredom.
Black and purple butterflies flew to her, small golden heads like skulls snapping their fangs.
Without knowing what she was doing, just hoping something would happen, Raz waved her free hand to the sky. Shadows followed the movement, creating a shield. It wasn't fast enough. Some butterflies passed by Raz, their fangs tearing off the skin. A few seemed to hit the blackness ahead as if it was something solid.
Something made of white-lilac light crossed it.
Tyki passed through the shadows dissipating them, the star of Black Matter back in his arm. Raz recoiled, but he was over her in a second. The girl, unsure if her control was tied to gestures (hoping it wasn't), tried visualizing and something in her felt them as an extension… They came from behind her, throwing themselves against Tyki. Like her control and experience, the movement was clumsy. Though they did blind him and let her get away, they were still nothing more than shadows.
"Damn it, how can I attack?" She couldn't get near him without risking the Innocence. "Okay, keep him away, try to escape, but keep this thing safe!"
A warm wave ripped her arm. One of the butterflies was biting her angrily, trying to force her to let the Innocence go. Raz jumped in another direction as Tyki walked out the wave of shadows she had created.
"Interesting little tricks," He said, unaffected. "But nothing more."
He was right.
"No, some of those things hit the shadows. Maybe I can…" The girl took a deep breath and concentrated… In her free hand, black shadows reunited in a mist that slid and caressed her skin.
Tyki attacked, the star turned in a way so the junction between two blades was aimed at her neck, cornering the girl.
Raz raised her fist in defense. The shadows covered her arm, blocking the Dark Matter, shining as hematine. She tried to keep control and push that man away, but her barrier weakened and there were seconds when it was back to being just a shadow.
Tyki noticed this.
"Think you can keep it up with me?"
Raz didn't answer, risking leaning her weight in the darkness that covered her arm. If he didn't back off and her defense turned into shadow again, she would be caught. The girl wished with all she had that she could pierce that shield of his… And though a blade did form over her hand, it wasn't solid enough and faded just as soon as it appeared, the ghost of an idea.
Her back was pressed against a tree. Raz slid against it. Tyki's shield turned in the last second, hitting the wood, part of it brushing the exposed skin of her arm.
Her heart went in and out of rhythm. Her brain pulsated in her skull. She tried to raise a barrier against the needles of a dark matter, but before she could slip away, Tyki attacked.
He grabbed her neck, hitting her body against the tree again.
Recalling flashes of what she had seen of his fight with Allen, Raz understood then that he had just been playing with her. Three butterflies waved their wings close by, one landing on her shoulder, perhaps attracted by the smell of blood. Four small legs came from the sides of the protuberance that was its head, thin as needles.
She fought back a shiver at the sight. The thing snapped its jaws and it was too easy to imagine it chewing through her flesh.
Blood slid down her arm where one of those things had bitten. The one she had used as shield hurt. Still, those were light wounds and the problem was her organism, twisting inside her body as if in a process of self-cannibalism. Each vein carried messages of pain.
"Weak… Is this all I can do? Useless…"
When she tried to struggle, Tyki kept her in place, pressing her again.
"I'm really not in the mood for this shit, you know?" He grabbed her wrist, digging her skin with his nails. "It was kinda fun, but I'm getting bored."
Raz felt the butterfly's wings brushing her face, teeth touching her flesh.
Tyki saw her watching the creature. Her face was undisturbed, but he guessed her fear in the pulse under his fingers and in her eyes. It wasn't something she controlled, he realized, but that came naturally to her. Well, at least he had managed to change that a little, which pleased him.
"Oh, no need to be afraid…" He commented as he increased the pressure in her wrist, with less intention to hurt that one should expect from him. It just would be better if she learned that it wasn't a good idea to protect an Innocence, not when she was a Noah. If it wasn't for her lack of memories, he wouldn't have been so lenient. "The Teases won't bite you anymore."
She held the Innocence firmer in her hand,
Maybe she had not understood.
Raz tried to hold the Innocence, but her bones were hollow with weariness and part of the reason why she still stood was due to Tyki holding her neck. He didn't mean to suffocate or actually cause harm for what it seemed, but his hand was firm enough to restrain her.
"Now, let it go."
She tried to struggle. The hold around her wrist got tighter. Her fingers weakened under the pressure.
"Give it to me..."
White lightning cut the air.
"Opa!" Tyki yelled with a laugh, jumping backward. Raz leaned her back against the tree, refusing to fall. Part of Allen's cape had come between them and, in the dark, he was a ghost of snow.
"I warned you." He growled, coming closer. "To not touch a friend of mine."
He stood near Raz, turning to her while still wary of Tyki.
"Are you okay?" He asked. "I'm sorry I took so long, I…"
"I'm fine." She replied quickly, bitterness spreading inside her. Before Allen's worry, Tyki scoffed a laugh.
"Please, boy, do you actually believe I would hurt a member of the family?" He dragged the last words, again in the manner of someone sharing a special secret that just Allen would understand. Golden eyes dragged over them. "I just wanted to see what she could do… And take the chance to get this."
He raised the Innocence.
"I have an idea, boy. Why don't we bet this in a poker game?" With cheerfulness in his words, it was impossible to know if he was mocking them or being serious. His fingers, claws occulted by his glove, started to close and they both sensed a power concentrating in his hand, pressing the Innocence.
"NO!" Allen and Raz cried at the same time and Allen made a gesture to interfere, too late. The Noah's fingers closed over the Innocence. There was a strange gleam and once he opened his hand, silvery dust fell.
Tyki smiled.
"Uops."
Standing still, Raz's mind provided her with the fights of Samuel, Alison throwing arrows at the akumas, Lauren being grabbed by one of them, Allen fighting that Noah…
It had been for nothing.
"Oh, please. I actually did you a favor. What could you have done with it anyway? Send to the Order by mail?" The disdain went undisguised as Tyki's eyes remained in the spot the shattered Innocence had gleamed for an instant, savoring the moment as a door appeared behind him, a black shape with a number shining on the top. Raz had no idea of what this meant and was unable to be surprised anymore, but noticed Allen getting tense, his sword half lifted for the possibility of a fight.
"Hmmm… Now let's see, what should I do?" Tyki muttered, holding his chin and pretending to be thoughtful. Allen held the sword firmly, getting in position. Even though the fight of just now had had its impact in his strength, Tyki should know him enough to not fool himself into thinking he could take him or Raz to the Earl without any resistance.
Voices cut the air, reaching them.
"Allen! Raz!"
"Where are you guys?"
They heard cries at distance, the voices of Samuel and Alison echoing among the trees.
Hearing that as well, Tyki smiled. It occurred to Allen he looked just like he did back in that forest of China, when telling of having killed General Yeegar.
"I wonder what they would say if they knew of everything. You didn't forget what happened with the Order, did you, boy?"
Raz didn't fully understand what he meant, but the words had a clear effect in Allen judging by his expression and the threatening sound that escaped his throat.
"Well, as much I would love to take you both home" He commented with a sigh and shrugging, still studying them. "I don't think I'll." At least not now, they felt it as much as they felt that the reasons for this decision had nothing to do with mercy, quite the opposite. The black portal opened, revealing a white light and something in Tyki's expression made Allen suddenly imagine a large cat slowly ripping a mouse open with its claws.
Once the Earl had decided that, despite his own anxiety, they could use Walker to attract Apocryphos (not to mention that with time perhaps Neah's genes would naturally overpower the human ones) and Raz would most likely be fine (and might remember things with time), then there was no harm in not taking them now, even if it would be easy.
This actually made him glad and the reason was simple.
Sounds of steps in the grass and foliage moving found them, growing louder by the second. The others' voices came closer, still calling for them and figures appeared among the trees, the light of the portal making it easier to notice them.
"This game just became interesting. It would be a waste to end it all so early. Besides…"
A noise of branches and steps. Panting, sweat drops in their forehead and, in some cases, blood, Samuel, Elana, Alison and Lauren appeared among the trees. Upon seeing Tyki, they held their weapons firmly, ferocity in their eyes.
Tyki, almost going through the portal of the Ark, ignored the newly arrived and looked at Allen and Raz for the last time.
"It will be so much more fun when you two finally realize you have no place in this world other than with us."
In the end, they would come to the Clan of their own free will.
And that was so much better.
The light extinguished when he crossed the portal and it closed without leaving traits, a nightmare that had appeared in reality. The silence weighed around them until Lauren turned to Allen and Raz, blinking as her shoulders fell.
"What was he talking about?"
XxX
Allen kept his eyes on the others, mind running without finding a way inside itself. There was nothing accusatory the expressions of Alison or the others, but they were justifiably confused with the last words of Tyki Mikk.
Allen hesitated… He didn't want to lie, but he couldn't tell the truth… He couldn't help but remember when he had been locked back in the Order…
"Allen can't go back to the Order." Raz's voice floated to among them in a mutter. "Apparently, the Noahs think he may be useful. With information and all that…" She was a little surprised with her own lie, though it was actually more a conjecture she had concluded than a conscious falsehood.
"If only she knew…" Allen couldn't help but think.
The others exchanged looks. Allen had told them a little regarding the Noah Clan and mentioned how he had fought some before, so Raz's explanation did make some sense. The blades of Samuel's spear shrunk down to the handle, slowly disappearing. In the end, all that there was left of the weapon was a silver ring, which the man placed upon his finger.
"You said things weren't going well…" Elana's lower lip shivered a little before the blonde touched it with the end of her tongue and managed to smile weakly, pain was still clear in her eyes. "I think you were being kind… Things are far worse, that's what."
After she and Samuel had defeated one akuma, they had helped Alison and Lauren. The woman didn't fool herself regarding the luck they had had this night.
"We need more training…" Lauren commented as if reading her thoughts and sighed, refusing to show pain or weariness. "Are you guys okay?" Her chocolate eyes went from Allen to Raz, stopping in the wound the girl had in her arm and some of her scratches. Wrapped in white with his silvery-blue metal mask hanging on his neck, it was harder to check if Allen had more severe injuries.
Raz was about to speak when she realized, for a reason beyond what she could understand, that she couldn't bear looking at them. It had nothing to do with her desire to destroy their Innocences (which by now was dulled by her exhaustion), but something that had nothing to do with instinct. It made her feel heavy inside.
The scent of their blood was clear in the air.
"He got the Innocence" She said. "Destroyed it. I'm sorry, I…".
"Hey, hey…" Samuel walked to her, almost placing a strong hand over her shoulder before deciding she might not want to be touched right now. "You did your best. We're just glad you're okay."
His words did not make her feel any better.
"Did I? Was that really the best I can do?"
Feeling a warm pressure, she realized Allen was holding her hand. Despite the touch making her nerves shiver, the girl nodded in acceptance.
Still, inside her, nothing had changed.
"At least we're alive…" Lauren commented, trying to sound better than she felt and looking around, as if in search of the lights that didn't exist anymore. "Let's go back… Take care of ourselves and have dinner…"
It wasn't as if they could do anything else.
A sensation of bitter emptiness escorted them during their path, a mist of defeat that was around and also inside them.
XxX
Once back in town, they discussed what they should do regarding their wounds until deciding to do what they could about them before going back to the local church. Allen still had bandages and some other stuff he had bought previously and the Exiled also had their own supplies for medical aid.
When they examined them, it seemed better to not take risks. The idea didn't please any of them, with Alison and Lauren being the most stubborn in their refusal until Samuel and Allen managed to convince them that what they had at hand wouldn't be enough.
During their conversation that afternoon, Father Jon had been very gentle and guessed that the group would venture into the woods regardless of his advice. Without any other option, he had told them what he knew, including wounds he had helped to take care of… For all they had been able to gather, nor he or the other Priest knew about the Order, for their relief.
Recalling this, they had considered it would safer to talk to him than going to the local hospital, risking questions they didn't want to answer no matter if the doctors wouldn't be able to actually force them to speak or how they could have made a story up. It was always better, in the group's opinion, to call as little attention as possible, which Allen found himself agreeing with it.
Alison still said that the Order could have sent someone already and even without the light's appearing, the person in question would seek answers. The logical conclusion for them would be true that a Noah had gotten to the Innocence first, but it would raise suspicions if someone (whether a doctor or one of the priests) commented about a group of travelers that had appeared requesting aid to take care of strange injuries in that same night the lights had stopped.
Kidding, Elana called her paranoid.
Without being offended, the green-eyed woman replied with some irony that being paranoid was a better option than risking any chance of falling back to the Order's radar. Lauren had laughed to this, siding with Alison. Despite Allen not being able to find the comment funny, a chuckle had agitated his body, climbing his throat. While this made the thin pain in his bones refresh, it was good and the sound seemed to expulse part of the pressure he felt inside.
In the end, they decided to clean up their wounds and cover them at least a little before going to talk to Father Jon and ask for more help. It wasn't like they wanted a complete medical examination, they just wanted some "patching up" that they couldn't do by themselves. They had no desire of going to a hospital and the last thing they needed were infections, despite how the Innocence tended to increase the organism's healing rate of its Accommodator.
When one of the akumas had grabbed Lauren's in its claws, the cuts on her back had reopened. The one who had been fighting Samuel had slashed his chest, the diagonal cuts looking like cracks in the skin. The man hoped he wouldn't need stitches, but they all had had experiences enough with wounds to know better.
It would also be a kind of opportunity to tell Father Jon (and Father Mana if they met him) that, even though the boreal aurora of the forest wouldn't ever appear again, the monsters would probably be gone too. It should be good news… Except that there was something about the loss of the lights that went beyond the loss of the Innocence.
With that in mind, they went to the Inn, hiding the blood as they could and trying to not call attention, already used to ignore the protests of their bodies. They hadn't spent as much time in the woods as they had felt it, so they didn't think they would be bothering Father Jon… Actually, they would probably arrive at the church half an hour after the evening Mass, give or take it.
"That Noah…" Lauren started calmly, trying to not limp or move her arms too much. "You've fought him before, right, Allen?" The way the Noah had spoken didn't leave space for doubts. Though she, back in the days of being part of the Order, had heard about a Clan that obeyed the Millennium Earl, she had never ever met one of them.
"My luck…" She reflected, unable to suppress a shiver when she recalled the man's expression and the hints of what there was underneath it. "Otherwise, I would probably be dead already…" And instinctively, her fingers moved against the palm of her hand, brushing against the fabric of her Innocence gloves. Fights against akumas of Level Three were not exactly new, but those of this night had been stronger than those they had come across during yesterday's afternoon.
After tonight and what Allen had told them, Lauren didn't think the training she and the others did was enough. The white-haired boy was right, things seemed to be far worse than she had ever thought.
"Yeah…" Allen replied. He supposed twice would be accurate account: The first time, they had been in the White Ark and the second, it had been moments before he was led to the Order and witnessed the waking of Alma Karma.
"He is a Noah that can control matter." He explained as they passed through the hallway of the inn. "Those butterflies he had with him are called Tease, cannibal golems created by the Earl… He… Well, he can choose what to touch or not. It doesn't matter what it is, he can even take organs out of people without needing to cut them…" It was not a sensation one could ever forget, that of someone holding your beating heart inside your body and he had to control back a shiver. "He killed Exorcists like this. And General Yeegar, he…"
Alison turned to him so fast that Allen almost heard her neck cracking.
"Yeegar?" She asked in a whisper. "Kevin Yeegar?"
"You knew him?" Allen asked, not hiding the surprise. He remembered the kind general well and, even after so much time, the memory of his death was still a thorn in him. It didn't matter that he hadn't had the chance of knowing the man for long, the way he had been found… Thin, eyes frozen in a point ahead and yet blind, unable to do anything else but to mutter that strange song in a voice that didn't sound human anymore…
No one deserved such fate. And his smile, the light of his eyes… Were gone.
Alison nodded quietly. Samuel averted his gaze, his features shivering for a moment under the skin.
"I… I knew him." She confirmed in a voice Allen had never heard from her until now and didn't know how to recognize. At her side, Lauren and Elana avoided looking at anything that was not the floor. "He died?"
Feeling his throat closing, Allen just nodded and expected the girl to ask for details, but Alison just became silent, not saying anything else. He was partially thankful for this, as he would have hated to describe his meeting with the man just to right after explain in what state the General had been… It had been quite a time until his body had finally ceased to continue that life that it was not even a life anymore…
Uncertain of what else he could say, the boy tried.
"He was a good person…"
Alison didn't answer. Samuel let out a muttering of agreement that sounded rather empty.
Allen almost thought about asking how he and Alison knew the man but closed his mouth upon feeling the words on his throat. So, he decided on another thing to say.
"Look, guys, if you need something… Like gauze or…"
They still discussed their next steps, soon deciding to follow with the original idea and hope for the best, as there wasn't much else to be done. None of them felt like talking much, the events of the night still too fresh in their minds.
Allen entered his room and sat in the bed with a deep sigh as he waited for Raz. Lauren had called her to her room, wanting something with her and among the silence of the wait, the boy finally allowed his mind to go through what had happened… When they had been returning from the forest, before releasing her hand, Raz had given him a look the others didn't see. He had stared at her and nodded in agreement.
He understood that sooner or later he would have to tell her all of the truth… And perhaps there was the chance he would have to tell it to the Exiled as well, if they ended up staying with the group, something Allen wasn't sure of until now. Not just about the war, the occasions of when he fought the Noah with more details but also what little he knew about the Fourteenth inside of him…
Raz still displayed no signs of being bothered with the wait, respecting his choice, but Allen doubted the girl had any idea of how big what he was hiding from her was. She probably thought it was things more related to the Order than the Noahs…
"She did try to defend the Innocence. She refused to follow Tyki…" He reflected, remembering how he had found them. "Would they… No, they probably will see her as a traitor after this…" Tyki had said he wouldn't hurt a member of the family, but Allen wasn't going to place all his faith in this. It was true that if he wished to do so, Tyki could have hurt them both far more seriously. Raz would have left the woods with more than light bites from Teases and the bruise Allen had seen in formation in her pale flesh, reaching from the wrist almost to the elbow.
Yet…
The fact Tyki hadn't tried to drag them with him by force was more a cause for worry than of relief. The Noah Clan never did things without reason…
Surely they (except the Earl, considering words Allen had heard from the man himself) should hate Neah for what he had done… On the occasions he had seen them together, the Noah had given the impression of being very close, so Allen didn't think betrayals were common or forgiven. If anything, the way they acted was as if this action was unthinkable.
Neah…
Mana…
"Neah fought for Mana" Road had said.
Just what had happened thirty-five years ago?
A shadow of an idea haunted his mind once more. Cross had known Neah… He remembered someone who knew Cross and… Maybe knew something too. And if it wasn't the case, it was at least a place he and Raz could go for a while. Better than to roam around without any idea of their next step…
"This isn't the only thing you should be investigating… What about you? Where did Allen Walker come from?" A small voice whispered in his mind, making his stomach turn. He couldn't deny this had been in mind ever since finding he was a host for the Fourteenth. Had it always been like this or had something happened?
No, one thing at a time. He needed to keep his mind clear. One misstep and he could create a trap for himself.
There was also Raz to consider. Allen hadn't been sure that the other Noahs knew that she was with him and now, he could only imagine their reactions once they learned of all that had transpired. And he had no idea of what was going through her mind after her first meeting with someone of the Clan, either.
How would he be feeling in her shoes?
The door opened with suavity and Raz entered, closing it behind her. In one of her hands, she had a blue tube of cream, squeezed until its middle. She showed it when seeing he was looking.
"Lauren told me this is great for muscle pains and bruises." She sat in the other bed, opening the tube and pressing, the white cream accumulating in her fingers before she gave it to Allen. Silently, she started to rub her hurt arm.
The boy did the same with the bruises that he knew were starting to take shape. He hadn't many cuts, most of them were superficial enough (for him), as the Crown Clown's cape was excellent for defense. It was his bones that hurt and the impact of some attacks wouldn't be forgotten so early. The left side of his body was an island of pain even now.
Rubbing the cream in mechanical moves, Raz also had her mind the events of that night, feeling too tired to force her mind into one path of thought or to find some firm ground to start thinking. The words were waves that repeated in her along with images and sounds, with little to no clear meaning to be taken from them.
The other Noah, Tyki Mikk, had spoken about taking her and Allen "home". The word in itself had no meaning for her, besides the literal: Whatever the place he and the other members of the Clan were, but there was no emotional sense to it… It was just letters making a sound, as empty as the idea of a past before the night she had woken up.
She didn't want to think about it, either.
And why the Noah had spoken to Allen in that same manner? It was as if whatever the Clan wanted with him was somehow more personal than mere information about the Order, which had been her first conclusion at first. It didn't make sense… With the Order or not, he was still compatible with Innocence.
Yet Tyki had spoken of taking both of them home.
In a way or another, as complicated as it had been in the forest, with two desires so opposite as black and white tearing her essence in different directions, she was relieved for having kept control over her instinct.
She didn't want to go with that man…
The Earl and the others had the answers for the questions that stared at her from the mirror and Raz knew it. Everything that she wanted to know had been within her reach, but the girl didn't feel it was worth leaving Allen for them… He had called her "friend" and it was when she had seen him fighting and later, standing between Tyki Mikk and the Innocence, that Raz had realized how mutual the feeling was.
She would find out who she was. She would search for that which she had forgotten.
But those answers wouldn't have much of a value if she left a friend for them.
Raz wasn't sure this was the right choice or the more reasonable, however, she decided she couldn't be bothered. Tyki had said that it was alright to destroy the Innocence, that was what Noahs did and what she had desired to do. Well, he might have been right, but she also wanted to keep traveling with Allen.
"It will be so much more fun when you two finally realize you have no place in this world other than with us."
Was it true? Wasn't there place, in the whole world, for them except with the Clan?
Allen was an Exorcist. She was a Noah.
Her knowledge of the world was indeed near to zero and life as she knew it had started when she had woken up with nothing but her own name… However, somehow, she didn't think she or Allen or any of the Exiled could have what others would call "normal" life…
Perhaps there was nothing for them anywhere.
Perhaps there was nothing for anyone anywhere.
The thought only increased the weight inside her. What about her? She barely knew or understood who she was. There was no safety in her own existence. Maybe she was just a dry leaf, which would have been taken by the wind in direction of forgetfulness already, if not for the wrapper of flesh that involved her.
Did she exist?
Raz remembered what she had read in the Bible, of how Noah and his family had been chosen by God to be saved and to save others from the Deluge, starting humanity anew… If that was true (possible metaphors aside, he had been chosen anyway), then why in that Holy War (this was almost a joke, a war being holy) the Noah Clan was making akumas and fighting against Exorcist to exterminate humanity?
It didn't make any sense…
The train of thought led her once again back to the idea of religion… And she wondered why there were so many different religions, but perhaps the answer was more between the lines of what Father Mana had told her before. Maybe those were different ways of believing in the same "thing"…? Last night, Allen had told her about what he knew, including rituals he had seen during his trips, not only Catholics. In the end, they all seemed to have the same objective: To teach others to be kind, to have respect for others…
If that was how it was in the end, each person could choose the way they felt more comfortable talking to God? Was that it?
Raz shook her head. That was assuming God existed…
Did He?
Did she believe in Him?
Sitting in his bed, Allen leaned his foot on the mattress, lifting the end of his pants up to his knee, rubbing the cream against his flesh. The pressure created a wave of ache that he ignored.
He had been through worse.
He thought about Alison and Samuel… Even knowing that they all had been members of the Order someday, he hadn't actually thought how they might have met people he knew (Cross was another matter, he traveled so much that some members of the Order had thought him dead until Allen had joined the Organization). Maybe someday he could ask them about General Yeegar…
A smile appeared in his face as he remembered Samuel speaking about Cross.
"What Master would say about everything of those last weeks?" Allen almost laughed, imagining that the man would probably limit himself to stare at him, call him a "stupid disciple" and ask for a bottle of wine. Maybe he would call him such two times for helping Raz…
"But the Master knew Neah, at least a bit… Maybe even Mana…" In fact, Cross had been the one who had given him at least some information. At this point, Allen couldn't deny that the Master had been honest with him, in what he had said.
Like he had been when revealing his state as a host of the Fourteenth.
"What if I told you that, when you become the Fourteenth, you'll kill someone you love?"
Allen controlled himself to not shake his head, ignoring the sensation that he always had when remembering those words.
No.
That was not going to happen.
He had already decided that he would kill himself if he started to lose control.
At least he hadn't been more wounded and neither he nor Raz had been dragged to the Black Ark, which was their luck. The idea Allen had had on the train came back stronger.
"Raz…" He muttered, aware that this could be dangerous for many reasons, but no longer caring. "Listen, what do you think about training together?"
The girl raised her eyes to him, inexpressive.
Training whatever those shadows actually were should be for the best… But an Exorcist and a Noah training together? It sounded weird even to her, a creature still outside the full context of that situation.
Allen saw her hesitation flashing in her eyes, a fish coming to the surface of a lake for a second, before going back to the depths where it lived, so quickly it could be a reflection of the moonlight.
"Oh, c'mon, we can try, don't you think?" He insisted. "Raz, you will just learn to control it by getting used to it…"
Raz couldn't avoid being scared… The memory of what happened in the train was too alive and clashed with the frustration she had had when trying to defend herself and the Innocence from the other Noahs.
But she didn't know what those shadows did. What if she was unable to stop? The possibility, plus the murdering desire she had felt in the alley and when she had held the Innocence were enough to cause her to worry, her flesh becoming rigid as if the shadows were inside her and Raz needed to focus all the time to keep them at bay.
Both sensations were hateful and she couldn't avoid either.
"Learn how to do it. What good is to feel useless and do nothing to change it?"
"What if I can't keep control?" She had quietly, staring at him. "What if I hurt you?"
A part of her was not sure she would have been able. Allen had managed to hold his own against Tyki Mikk and knew herself to not be at his level.
But if she lost control…
To her surprise, Allen gave a sweet laugh.
In the end, they did share some worries before the same idea, after all. It was somehow funny… He hadn't spoken of this before for this same detail. All the fights he had had with the Noahs passed by his mind. And now, here he was offering to help a Noah to train and she was hesitating due to the risk of hurting him.
The Earl would have a seizure if he heard that, Allen guessed. And no one in the Order would believe it if he told them. Standing and placing a hand on her shoulder, he smiled.
"We'll go easy. Maybe by training, you can start to remember how to control this and then we can find out how you can use it…" The risks were still the same, however, it was something he wanted to do.
Raz seemed to think about it… And nodded.
"Very well. Let's do this."
XxX
Father Jon and Father Mana were not upset to examine their wounds, but they didn't approve the fact they had gone to the forest anyway. Not having contact with the Order, none of them had knowledge of akumas or Innocence, which made their wounds all the worse for them, Allen imagined.
"You were very irresponsible." Father Jon said softly, shaking his head. He was older then Father Mana, his hair seemed to have been a dark brown someday and now was a breath of color, with most of the strands as white as Allen's. "You could have gotten more hurt or even killed."
His eyes, behind his glasses of black rims, examined the wounds in Samuel's chest. Even after cleaning the flesh, when the man had taken off the provisory bandage, the wound still looked as deep as when it had been made.
"I don't know what did this, but it doesn't seem to have left fragments in the flesh..." He commented to himself, inspecting it for pieces of weapon or animal's claws. "It needs stitches, though."
The corners of Samuel's mouth twisted as if he had bitten something sour and he averted his eyes when the priest turned to the table where there were some medical utensils. Elana, sitting at his side, paid attention. Between training sessions, it was frequent for the Order to offer Finders and Exorcists alike information and "classes" about medical procedures in case they got hurt in missions and had no way of going to a doctor, which was useful. She had attended some of those, but even now Elana thought it better to take the chances to learn more when the opportunity presented itself, even if just by watching.
And she didn't have that much experience with stitches.
Before finding out she was compatible with the Innocence that would become her fan, she had dreamt of being a doctor… Such felt like a lifetime ago.
Father Mana was finishing examining Lauren. Alison had excused herself after they had closed the wound on her shoulder (it had been for little she hadn't needed the same procedure as Samuel) and left the room. According to Father Mana, just like Allen's leg would probably be in pain for weeks, so would her back and ribs.
Lauren didn't think it would be for that long, though.
"I do not know why you felt the need to do this." Father Mana said in reprimand, leaving with Lauren from behind a folding screen that was commonly used in the secretary to pin notes and news about the mass and that he had used it so Lauren and Alison didn't feel exposed (something not as necessary as he thought since there had been many times the Exiled had taken care of each other's wounds). "But at least it wasn't worse…"
"Things now will probably get better…" Allen told them. "The creatures should go away now…" At least this was what he hoped for, certainly the Earl knew he and Raz wouldn't stay in the city after being found out by Tyki. And without the Innocence here, there would be no reason to send more akumas, right?
Father Mana still looked at him gravely before sighing and giving him a small smile.
"I don't know if you're brave or crazy, young man." When they had arrived and met him, Father Mana had greeted Raz, commenting on how they had talked for some minutes during the afternoon while the others spoke to Father Jon.
"A bit of both, I guess…" Samuel replied, still not looking as Father Jon stitched his cut. The old fingers moved with the skill and care of someone used to what they are doing.
"The lights won't appear anymore either…" Lauren completed. This had made her more upset than what she was going to admit, at least to those not from the group. It might sound foolish, she knew. It wasn't as if they lived there and had gotten used to seeing the northern lights-like in the woods. There was no way the Innocence would be there forever, anyway. If not this night, then at some other. Eventually, the Noah would have gotten it, or then it would be someone of the Order…
In the end, those lights had no chance of lasting forever.
Father Mana looked from Allen to her. Father Jon, finished with Samuel, stood and approached her in slow steps as the other man dressed a clean shirt.
"Depends on how you see it, young lady…" He said. "What we saw every night was a wonder that was there since long before. I always saw those lights as a manifestation of the forest itself, a creation of God. Just because we can no longer see it, it doesn't mean it is not there. While that forest exists, those lights will exist too."
He remained quiet, old eyes in young ones.
"At least, this is what I believe in." He chuckled. "Perhaps I'm getting poetic with age…"
Lauren didn't think that was it and while the man had no idea of the Innocence, his words did make her feel better. Maybe he was right and just because they could no longer see the lights, it didn't mean they were actually extinct. Perhaps there was something bigger than the Innocence at play in what they had seen, in the life there was there… And as beautiful as that had been, it was at least nice to know it wouldn't attract more akumas. People wouldn't be hurt anymore…
She thought about ways of replying and didn't find any in words, limiting herself to a smile.
They still talked for a while more and, to Allen and the other's relief, the two older men seemed to feel how they didn't want to speak about who they were and what they had done and respected this desire. Samuel had found people like them in the travels, as he had met others who had suffocated him with questions and stared at him with distrust before his refusal, evasive answers or lies, as if they could sense there was something wrong.
"The good of traveling so much as we do." He had commented years ago with Elana. "Is that we don't stay too much in the same place, so you learn to not mind what people think about you."
Upon seeing them, Alison Rouwen, who had been sitting in one of the church's benches, stood and came to them, once more thanking the priests for their attention and help, followed by the others. Father Mana smiled and waved his hand.
"It was nothing, really. This is what we're here for." He said, dismissing the thank-you. "Doctor Marcoh studied with me. Oh, he always jokes about opening his clinic at the church's side and so we work together."
At some point in his chuckle, his gaze became serious as he studied the group. For some seconds, they could only look at each other.
"I know you're just passing by. I don't know what you're searching for, but I hope you'll find it."
At his side, Father Jon closed his eyes with a sigh, shaking his head without taking his old eyes from them.
"We know not the burden you carry… But even if I wasn't a priest, I would see that it is heavy…" He looked at them with deep eyes. "But I do believe you have strength. You won't be carrying this alone… We shall pray for you all."
As they said their goodbyes and turned to leave, deciding to have a well-deserved dinner and discuss their next step (leaving town next morning if possible, no matter where to, seemed the best thing to do in Allen's opinion), Father Mana looked at Raz.
"I hope things will be alright."
"So do I…" She muttered, completely uncertain of how to say what she wanted. In the end, she settled for something that while not enough, was at least simple. "I hope things will be fine around here, too…"
She rushed to follow the others towards the exit. The air beyond the doors was marked by the scent of grass, and the flowers planted in front of the church. The night felt longer than it had the right to be… Raz hesitated at the stairs and looked back.
Her eyes landed on the statue of Jesus…
Did she believe in Him?
He, who had become a mortal man, leaving His divine condition to die in that way simply out of love. Love for each one of them, the ones who had died since long ago, the ones who lived in His time and those who would be born even ages after His sacrifice…
A God who died for the sake of his creations. Out of love for them…
If love existed, then such a love also existed. And it could only be the love of a Creator.
"Does that mean He died for me as well?"
She didn't know… She didn't know what she could trust or not.
"Love thy neighbor like thyself" She had read Jesus had said this was the most important commandment, along with "Love thy God above all things"… It made sense. After all, if you chose to believe in God, the Creator that in prayers was called "Father", shouldn't you love Him above all else?
From where she was, she could see the wounds of the crown of thorns. The blood down his hands and feet. The gash on the side of his body. He had been lashed, this God. He had been lashed, humiliated and had endured it all for love alone…
She understood what Father Mana had said then. If she was to try and believe it, then she could only do so by opening her heart to feel Him, like you would open your heart to a friend.
The Noah girl changed her weight from a foot to another, black strands of hair falling over her eyes, uncertain about the right way of doing what she had in mind.
"I… I'm still not sure about a lot of things…" She reflected awkwardly, eyes fixed on the altar and wondering if this was how people prayed or talked to God. "And I'm afraid…"
Though she had admitted this, it had been at an emotional level that didn't need words. It was different from now.
"Afraid of what I am, of what I don't remember, of what I don't know… But I still want to know the truth…" A sigh got caught in her throat, tangled in her flesh as this was also another thing that scared her. "Not just about all those things, but to know about everything that truly happened…"
She ran her eyes through the church. The saints portrayed in colored glasses in the windows, the angels… From where she was, she couldn't see, but she knew the statues of Mary and Joseph were there in the corners ahead…
And her gaze once more went to Jesus on the cross. Something inside her became firmer and what was supposed to be a thought became a whisper. If there was someone who could understand her, better than herself…
"I think that… If there is a God for me to follow… I want it to be You."
Ana: I guess that was a close one for you guys.
Tyki: Are you FREAKING kidding me? I had they cornered, right there, and I didn't take them? WHAT?
Ana: With the chance of Apocryphos coming out of hiding to get to Allen and the Noah genes changing him with time, especially after Kanda's attack… And your natural sadism…
Tyki: I should have brought them back even if I had to break their legs for this!
Raz: Wow, what a loving family I see I have…
Allen: And they still wonder why I DON'T want to join them?
Earl: Well, while the thought of them coming to me out of their own free will is pleasant, I must side with Tyki-pon. What were you thinking? Wisely?
Wisely: I'm not looking into her mind! Every time I try it, I get headaches and visions of Hell!
Ana: … Honestly, I'm not sure if this is an offense or a compliment…
Wisely: See?
Alison: Excuse me, can we go back to the story?
Ana: Just a little time has passed by, so it is still too early for some things, such as Allen telling the truth to everyone (Including Raz), but give it time.
Kanda: Out of the way! – Pushes others – Can you tell me where am I in this mess?
Ana: In Mattel, for all I know, mourning Alma's death and figuring out what you'll do. Hey, in the manga it took you three months more or less to go back to the Order, my guess is that this place is quite far…
jy24: Well, it wasn't this time he took her and Allen to the Earl, but yeah, let's be honest: This is bound to happen at some time.
Allen: Oh, C'MON!
Ana: It's the sort of luck Hoshino gave you, ever noticed the amount of crap that happens to you? You never catch a break!
Raz: And me?
Ana: You're getting burned because you hang out with him.
Sparklehannah: Wow, this… This was really the kind of review I love the most… I…
Alison: You're blushing.
Ana: You be quiet. I really love it when readers tell me in detail what they like about the plot, how they feel about the characters and their hopes for what will happen! It is really the best! Thank you so much, it means everything to me!
Allen: Why people love me being kicked out of the Order?
Lauren: I can answer this one! It's because it opens a field of possibilities, to explore both sides of the war from a new perspective, going out of the old "Good vs. Evil" simple mindset, making this way more complex! Well, and due to drama, too.
Alison: …
Lauren: What? I can be deep.
Ana: I indeed try to explore all sides. Even if a side of this war is evil (and I don't believe there are usually right sides in wars), the people in it may not be. Take the Order, let's be honest, they suck. The deal with Alma, imprisoning Allen after all he did, they are NOT saints. But then we have people like Miranda, Johnny, the ones who are great people.
Allen: At least they still believe in me…
Ana: It is called being "friends". I try to give as many details as I can (honestly, not easy with so many characters), not forgetting anyone. And I've always seen Krory and Miranda as being the MOST loyal to Allen due to personal reasons. Not saying Lenalee and the others aren't.
Levelier (smile): I was merely making a necessary interrogation, following the standard procedure.
Alison: Oh, yeah, because things really go by the standard procedure regarding Allen! Even I know about this stuff!
Ana: That scene was one of my favorites too, actually! I loved working the tense meeting and the others' feelings. Plus, I have my plans for EVERYONE, even Levelier. When planning the fic, I had the idea for the Exiled and thought "why not"?
Allen: I'm still a bit surprised that someone like Samuel managed to be friends with my Master… And after all, is he alive or not?
Ana: Not saying, perhaps you'll know if you receive more deb…
Allen: Don't! I don't wanna hear it! This word doesn't exist! Lalalala lari lala! –Covering eyes-.
Ana: Yeah, the Earl and Wisely are being close-mouthed for now regarding all that happened in the past. Actually, so much that in the manga even Sheryl tried to force Bookman to tell what he knew… More because he also freaked out when Road disappeared.
Wisely: It is a painful subject… And quite complicated.
Earl (wiping a tear): Indeed, so much pain happened… I told you, even the events regarding Yuu Kanda and Alma Karma weren't as sad.
Allen: You do know we're not buying the tears, right?
Ana: As we say here, "pimenta nos olhos do outro é colírio". Pepper in other's eyes is eyes drops… And as if you're not the biggest source of misery around…
Earl (Softly): What did you just say, dear?
Ana: Nothing, nothing… I agree, Tyki is awesome, as I said he is one of my favorite Noah. I love that "noble/vagabond" style and how scary he can be when he wants to (he ripping out Allen' Innocence and threatening to take his heart out? Going berserk in the Ark? I watch horror movies like a fanatic and that scene gave me the shivers!).
Tyki: I feel you still didn't let me use all my potential here…
Ana: It's still the beginning of the fic, have patience, all-might Mr. I Like to Rip People's Organs Out… For now, the Order is merely hunting Allen with special agents, but with the portals he used, they have no idea of where to begin and little chance of getting his trail. So, they are just trying to hunt him without a single clue…
Allen: I had to have SOME luck around here.
Samuel: And we're used to staying hidden, we ran away from the Order years ago. But then again, they believe we're dead…
Ana: As I said, some stuff of the manga I'll follow and others… I'll change. I planned this during Hoshino's long hiatus and the more recent chapters have nothing to do with this. As for meeting Miranda and Krory… I can't say. Who knows?
Neah: As for, I was brought closer to Allen's conscious level due to the samurai attack, until now I could only communicate with him in critical situations, like when he was almost dead. And later, in the Ark, that was my room and helped things get easier.
Ana: So, if he is now closer to being erased by you, we can all thank Kanda.
Kanda: HEY!
Neah: Indeed. I'm still too weak to take over Allen by force. And actually, if I use all my strength, I can destroy him and that wouldn't be good for me. And with his Innocence keeping him safe, it isn't easy…
Ana: You're not even aware enough to see what he sees, so you don't even know Raz is with him. For now…
Allen: Oh, no! No way! He tried to kill the Noahs, how can I know he wouldn't try to kill Raz?
Neah: You can't.
Allen: Oh, nice…
Lauren: Would you guys quit the "switching body control" fiesta? It looks like Allen is arguing with himself, it is the weirdest thing ever…
Ana: Once again, thank you so much for the review and your words! It really means a lot to me that you like this story and my OCs! Thank so much!