It was late at night and Ben had been sitting up in their makeshift bed, leaning against the wall and reading Eir's book when he heard the sound of soft crying. With some surprise, he looked over to find it coming from Rey. At some point in the night she had ended up on the other side of the bed, as far away from him as she could be. She had her back to him, but he could hear her softly crying, feel that she was in pain.
He frowned and reached out through the force, pulling her close to him and wrapping his arms around her, putting the book down in the process. She didn't protest; instead turning so that she was facing him, clinging onto his shirt.
"What happened?" He asked her softly. She only shook her head in answer, trembling slightly as she continued to cry. What could have been so bad that it had rendered her speechless? For as long as he had known her, he hadn't ever seen her this way and it unnerved him more than a little.
It would be so easy to just take it from her
You could easily –
"May I?" He asked softly, slowly reaching a hand up and hovering just above her head. It pained him to see her this way; he wanted to help in any way he could, but didn't know anything else. When she didn't answer him at first, he began to wonder what else he could do, but as soon as he began to, he felt her nod slowly against him.
Unlike the last time when he had to pry his way into her mind, this time he found that she had left the gate wide open for him. It didn't take long for him to find out that the cause of her grief was from a dream, its contents burned into her mind as if with a white hot knife.
They were back on Exegol, and Ben had just brought her back. He passed out, but before she had the chance to call for help, he disappeared.
She was alone again.
Like everyone else in her life, he was gone.
She was forced to leave the planet without him, and no one asked about him when she met back up with everyone. No one cared and she was left to mourn him in secret. Everyone else celebrated, everyone else cheered.
She was left with nothing but a broken heart, a hollow feeling in her chest.
No one truly understood her, not like Ben had. But now he was gone and she -
Ben pulled out sharply then, having seen enough. "It's alright, I'm still here." He pulled her closer to him, not sure how else he could help, but still desperately wanting to. "I'm not going anywhere." He stayed like that, holding her as close as he could and occasionally whispering what he hoped were words of comfort.
He didn't know how long they stayed like that, but he wasn't about to move until she was ready. He didn't want to admit it out loud, but he felt responsible for her current state, and he didn't like the guilt that followed.
If I had just managed to stay conscious back then she wouldn't be like this right now
He had known bringing her back like he did was risky when he was both already exhausted and inexperienced in the technique; but at the time he couldn't sit there and do nothing. He had been desperate to save her, even at the cost of his own life.
But after what they had learned from Eir, and if he had died, then Rey would have suffered an even worse fate. He didn't want that, and the thought made him feel even more guilty then he already did. She didn't deserve that.
If anyone deserves such a miserable end it would be me
It seemed like a no win scenario: either he died and she suffered, or she died and he suffered. In the end, he decided that they had been incredibly lucky to have both made it out alive. For that he was grateful, but he still couldn't shake off the nagging feeling of if only he'd managed to stay conscious, then maybe she wouldn't have had such a terrible dream.
"I'm sorry if I woke you up." When she finally spoke up her voice was so soft that he almost missed it, so lost was he in his own thoughts.
At least that means she's feeling a little better since she can speak again
"It's alright, I wasn't actually asleep."
"Why not?"
He shrugged. "Sleep isn't usually a thing that comes easy to me."
She was silent then, and he was beginning to think that maybe she had finally fallen back asleep when, "Ben?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm not letting go."
"I know."
/
It was with the sound of turning pages that Rey began to wake up to the next morning. She didn't want to get up however; she was warm and comfortable, and wanted to stay that way for a while longer. She ignored it, instead deciding to snuggle deeper into her pillow. "Five more minutes…" She muttered.
It was only when she heard a soft chuckle from above her did she finally open her eyes. To her surprise she was not met with her pillow; instead she saw the unmistakable fabric of a black shirt.
But why would I….?
She blinked a few times, confused. Her pillow wasn't covered in a shirt so how…?
Ben wears a black shirt…
WAIT
"Ben!" She shot up into a sitting position, realization dawning.
Was I really sleeping on him?!
"Yes?" He asked, an amused look on his face as he watched her.
"I-I'm..." She covered her face in her hands, her face becoming uncomfortably warm. "I'm sorry." She finally managed out.
"It's alright, I don't mind." She could hear the amusement in his voice; she just knew there was some sort of grin on his face, even without looking.
"How long have you been awake?"
"Not much longer then you. You looked so peaceful that I didn't want to wake you, especially after what happened."
"...Thank you. For last night I mean." She said, slowly lowering her hands but still refusing to meet his gaze, instead staring at her knees. "You didn't have to."
"Of course I did. I don't like seeing you pain."
She finally looked up at him at that and watched him for a moment, almost a little surprised before it clicked: this wasn't the first time he had done something for the sole reason that she was hurting.
It was only after Snoke had tortured me that Ben finally stood up against him…
No matter what she knew he was put through, if it was just him, he put up with it; it was only when she was in danger did he finally act, showing her how much she meant to him in the process. It was strange to her that someone would care so much, to lash out like that especially when she had grown up with no one to care for her wellbeing but herself. It was endearing, and she could feel a warmth building inside of her at the thought.
It's too bad that we couldn't have had this sooner
"Let the past die."
"We could create a new order. We could rule the galaxy together!"
She hadn't taken his hand then. At the time, she had wanted to more than anything to be with him – but as Ben, not Kylo Ren. He wasn't ready to become his true self yet, and it broke her heart.
"What are you thinking about?" He was watching her carefully, looking a little worried.
"I was just thinking about something that you said before," She said, reaching over and gently taking his hand in hers, "you said that we should 'let the past die', is this what you had in mind back then?"
/
Ben sighed at her question, just glad that she had decided to omit the 'rule the galaxy' part. It wasn't his best idea, but at the time he didn't know anything else. He just knew that since Snoke was gone, it was his chance to leave everything behind, to put an end to the fight over light and dark, to just be whatever self he wanted.
But it wasn't meant to be.
"You're still holding on!"
Unlike him, she was still attached to the rebels, still had things to lose, unlike him. There was nothing left for him to lose in the moment except her, and he knew she was dangerously close to leaving him again. He had been desperate to make her stay, and was determined to say anything it would take.
"I did want to take your hand. Ben's hand."
For a moment he idly wondered what would have happened if he had decided to go with her instead at that moment; he wasn't sure he liked the outcome though. Going to the resistance with Rey would've meant that he would have to own up for everything he'd done then and there. He was sure that they wouldn't think that he had come to aid them, but instead as Rey's prisoner. There were only two people he was sure that would still be on his side: Rey and his mother.
Mother...
He would've finally had to face her, and it would've been so hard. But at least with any luck she wouldn't have had to die for him that way.
"No, this is better." He answered her finally, curling his fingers around hers and shaking his head to try and clear darker thoughts. It still hurt to think of her; or really either of his parents if he were being completely truthful.
"Even though it's not ruling the galaxy?" There was a playful grin on her face, and he had to suppress a groan. And yet at the same time he couldn't help wondering if she had brought it up on purpose.
Did she notice how dark I was getting?
"I was hoping you forgot about that part."
"How could I? It's not exactly the best pick up line."
"Is that why when while you wouldn't talk to me you were ok with putting ice down the back of my clothes?"
She laughed then, the sound music to his ears. "It looked so stuffy in that room I couldn't resist!"
"Do you know how much I had to cover up for after that?" He gave her a look, deciding to play it up a bit if only to continue to see her smile.
"I could imagine, which is why I did it."
He sighed and shook his head again. "You're impossible."
"I try my best."
/
It was a pretty funny memory still to Rey, even as she sat there now. She had caught in on what sounded like the tail end of a strategy meeting against the resistance, and in a flash of annoyance, she had grabbed the first bit of ice she could find and made sure to stuff it down his shirt. She hadn't stuck around for much besides his look of surprise at the sudden cold, but the mental image of the disruption she was sure he caused was enough for her.
Ben got up from the bed then and stretched, and she tried her hardest not to remember just how much muscle he had under his shirt.
"I'm going to look around," he said, looking back at her, "he must have something in here I can use to cook with."
"You know how to cook?" It surprised her, since she wouldn't have thought the he'd have the time or interest but it still made her happy; she loved learning new things about him.
"Yes…" His face became unsure, almost a bit afraid -
Is that ok?
The question hanging in the air and she could feel his tension; she realized with a pang of grief that it probably wasn't something that had been looked favorably upon during his time in the First Order.
"I'll help you look then." She said, giving him a reassuring smile as she unfolded herself from the bed.
"Are you sure?"
She nodded. "No one's really cooked for me before so I'd love it if you would."
"R-right." He moved to start searching then, but she could've sworn that she saw his cheeks starting to turn little red before he did.
They searched for a while after that, but didn't end up finding much.
"Well, if we ever want to start a campfire we can." Ben said, sighing at their lackluster results.
"That could be fun too. If you want something different though, why don't you go and ask Eir?"
"You really think she might have something? What are you going to do?"
"At the very least, she should be able to point you in the right direction. And I think I'll stay here and see if the Falcon needs any repairs before our next trip."
"What trip?" He asked, a look of confusion passing over his face.
"You still want to see where I lived on Jakku, right?" She hadn't forgotten, and now that he seemed well enough, she felt that they could finally discuss going.
"I would." He nodded, his eyes lighting up at the thought.
"Perfect. Then why don't you go and ask Eir about supplies and then we can decide when to go." She gently placed a hand on his arm, since she knew that he felt nervous about leaving her alone. "It'll be fine, don't worry. And if you decide you really need to talk to me, you know how."
He hugged her then, and she was slightly surprised, but enjoyed it nonetheless, wrapping her arms around him in return. "I'll try not to be gone too long."