Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man in any way, all credit goes to Katsura Hoshino.
Summary: Forced to leave the Order, Allen comes across a secret hidden in the depths of the Ark. Now, hunted by the Noah Clan and considered an enemy by the place he once called home, he has to search for the truth... The truth about Mana, Neah and himself. Where he came from and who he really is. Uncovering a web of illusions and doubts, Allen still moves forward as he promised to do... But what do you do in a war, when you feel like you don't belong to any side?
"These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized. […] They send you here for life. That's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyway." – Stephen King's The Shawshank Redemption.
Act Seventeen – Puppets on Strings and Dogs on Leashes
The afternoon had given place to the evening and the moonlight invaded the room through the window, falling over the boy lying in the bed under it like a veil of silver on his white hair.
Without much choice, Raz had taken Kanda and Johnny to the inn they were sharing with the others, knowing she should be calling Alison in the small shop she had found a job, or maybe trying to get in contact with Elana and Lauren, but she didn't feel like leaving Allen alone when he was in that state.
He had told her about those guys and even if he hadn't, it was obvious they knew each other by the way they had talked, however, this meant nothing for her. All she knew was that they were members of the Order and that was enough.
Yet, they posed a small threat in comparison to the fight Allen should be having now.
On her knees at the side of his bed, Raz was relieved to confirm his breathing was steady and calm again, his temperature lowering to a more normal state. To her surprise, the man with glasses was at the other side of the bed too and, like her, whispering words of comfort to Allen, aware that he should be resisting the Noah genes.
The reaction she had felt deep in herself back in the tunnel regarding his change had ceased and Raz silently prayed to God with all her heart that it was a positive signal. Allen's skin remained gray, but of a lighter shade than hers and there were no stigmata forming. The change had come to a halt.
"Trying to wake him up?" The other man with long dark hair asked, arms crossed as he stood near the door. Raz offered no reply, wary of his movements, a worm of loathing deep inside her which she tried to ignore.
"Yeah…" Glasses Man replied, eyes still on Allen. "We could even try reading Cross' debts to him, but… This isn't a normal sleep." Raz thought there could have been some amusement in this on another occasion, considering the effect that speaking of his Master's debts usually had in Allen. It could even have had results, but the man was right. This wasn't even an actual sleep.
"And, after all, who the heck are you?" The Black-Haired asked, his dark eyes on the girl who just looked back at him before her attention returned to Allen. It was one of the first times he talked directly with her, rather than merely saying words that were meant for her and the man with glasses.
"Raz." She said simply. Her demeanor had displayed no alteration since they had left the tunnel and Johnny couldn't say he wasn't somewhat disturbed by it. He had met stoic people before, but had never seen such an absence of emotions in someone's face.
And after seeing the black things moving around, he couldn't say her presence felt as anything besides a creature that wasn't supposed to be and, if he looked long enough, he would see the skin she wore waving with the movements of her real flesh underneath it.
"Sorry, with all this we didn't even introduce ourselves." He tried, trying to sound friendly. After all, she was with Allen, she had helped. "I'm Johnny Gil, and he is Kanda." Johnny's mouth seemed to have forgotten how to smile when he tried. "Are you friends with…"
Kanda didn't give him chances to continue, going straight to a point he considered far more important than introductions.
"You are a Noah, aren't you?"
Johnny made a conscious effort to keep his face neutral. He hadn't ignored the possibility, even if his mind naturally sought others, any that didn't invite memories of pain with it. The girl landed her blue-gray eyes on Kanda, her features frozen in dissonant serenity, not giving anything away. Johnny couldn't tell if it was her face or what she was that made him prefer to avert his gaze and keep looking at Allen.
But he heard the reply.
"Yes, I am."
Holding Allen's hand tighter, Johnny managed to eschew any great reaction as his heart jumped and an instinctual fear froze his blood.
Noah. Death. Monster. Torture. Get away.
He tried to reason that this Noah had been at Allen's side, she had even helped to destroy the akumas, but the faces of others of the Clan and their words interfered. A part of him wanted nothing more than to grab Allen and get away from her.
Kanda remained there, arms crossed, staring at her and reacting no more than she did except for his frown deepening.
"And what are you doing with the Moyashi?"
Raz knew they would question her, as she had known she wouldn't have been able to hide forever what she truly was. Perhaps, with the danger the Noahs represented, those two would think twice before trying to harm Allen, should this be what they had in mind… Even with what Allen had told her about Kanda…
She was also quite aware this man had killed a Noah. This seemed to bother her as much as the sight of his black robes with that hateful symbol and the pulsation she could feel from his Innocence. It reached deep in her, like sandpaper against a raw organ. The first time she had seen her, she had longed to tear his skin apart, to feel the warmth of his blood in her hands and see the life leaving his eyes. She had known him then. Someone from the Order.
Not a mere Innocence Accommodator.
An Exorcist.
She pushed the feeling back. It hardly mattered at the moment.
But that didn't mean she would accept being interrogated.
She might have liked to believe at least in Kanda, based on what Allen had told her, but the fact remained that the man hadn't given her any reason to deserve trust. So, she would rather be cautious.
"I could ask the same." By the way she kept her attention in Allen and her tone, it was clear the answer didn't matter much to her at the moment (perhaps because she didn't know if they would tell the truth). After a moment, she replied. "I'm traveling with him."
"And why is that?" Kanda insisted, studying the girl, ready to use Mugen should she make any movement he didn't like. That made no sense at all. The Noahs wanted the Moyashi to be consumed by the Fourteenth, then why was that thing acting as if she wished for the opposite? Not only that, she had also tried to keep the akumas from attacking or escaping.
It was like a story about mirror dimensions.
And a part of Kanda wanted to activate Mugen.
Raz stared at him. The hollowness moved, giving space to something in her eyes that he couldn't decipher.
"Because he is my friend."
XxX
The street down the stairs hidden between the inn and another building was apparently empty, but Kanda knew better, able to sense the presence of someone who he hadn't thought he would see again. And wouldn't have cared that much if he didn't as well.
"So?" He called, looking straight to a dark corner. "For how long will you keep lurking around, Levelier's dog?"
Learning he had been noticed and there was no way of pretending he wasn't there or walk away when it came down to someone such as Kanda, a figure dressed in a long coat and light hair stepped closer to a scrap of moonlight, leaving the mantle of darkness where he had been hiding.
Howard Link.
Kanda held Mugen's handle firmly, not liking at all how the man had been spying on them since he and Johnny had met the Moyashi and wondered for how long Link had been around. And why.
Some moments ago, Kanda had decided to leave the Moyashi under the care of Johnny and the Noah girl. He didn't trust her at all, in fact, a part of him would have considered attacking her right there if it wasn't for the situation. Once the Moyashi woke up, Kanda might call him on his stupidity depending on what explanations he had to offer, but on another side, he couldn't ignore that she didn't seem pleased that he might turn into the Fourteenth and should have been at the white-haired brat's side for a while for him to act as if he knew her well. And she had backed off at the Moyashi's request.
With this in mind, Kanda had decided that confronting the presence he had felt earlier took precedence.
For now, there was nothing to be done for the Moyashi. That fight was his alone.
Kanda stared at Link coldly. If that pet dog of Levelier showed signs of intending to go back to his master telling everything or attacking the Moyashi, Kanda would be glad to have an excuse to kill him.
Not that he needed one.
"Why so quiet? Has your master forbidden you from talking?" The inquiry was laced with poison under the usual harshness rather than mockery as he debated with himself whether or not to get rid of Link.
It wasn't the case. Link merely didn't have much to say and was evaluating his options. After finding himself healed, Levelier had ordered him to find Walker and stay around until the Fourteenth appeared. As it was, Link had just come across the boy by a stroke of luck and hadn't expected to cross paths with Kanda at the same time. It didn't make things easier for him: Regarding the samurai, every caution was still little, whether you were his ally or his enemy.
"I thought I wouldn't ever see you again…" He confessed, sincerely. "I'm surprised you have come back to us like this." He completed with a smile, trying to see how Kanda would take that. It wasn't as if they had ever been close friends (let alone friends) and he recalled all that had happened during the Noahs' attack to the Order.
With a cold smile that was made of scorn, Kanda stared at him.
"You do seem healthy."
"I didn't expect you to worry about me." Link nodded, being interrupted by the other.
"Did I say I worried?" He asked, his smile one that made Mugen unnecessary for slicing. "What I mean is that I wonder why would you pretend to be dead?"
Of course that would be the first question of anyone meeting him. Link didn't need much time in order to choose his words, he had been ready for that.
"I ran away. An agent that allows the one he should be watching to escape so easily and right under the Order's nose, is considered trash. I am a Crow." He tilted his head up, studying Kanda without showing signs of wanting a fight and sure that the Exorcist wouldn't attack at a mere whim regardless of his threats, since both had far more urgent matters at hand. He gave him a sympathetic smile "I'm sure you can imagine what happens to someone who failed his duty?"
Kanda didn't believe a single word that came from the man's mouth but decided to let him talk to his heart's desire, attentive to each phrase construction, the intonation, and the terms used as someone who would exam complex data. I am a Crow, he had said, not I was a Crow. Link was not stupid, so this was either a slip or deliberated.
His silence seemed to coax Link into explaining more.
"I don't want my life to end just like that, either... And, for the Central, isn't it better to announce me dead, for the sake of keeping a functional appearance?" He sighed as if upset by it, the dagger hidden behind him in case Kanda had an unwelcome reaction. "I'm just like Walker, now… A runaway."
"How much time did you waste creating this little speech?" Kanda wondered, almost amused despite his anger. This all sounded far too perfect and convenient to his taste and if Link thought he could persuade him by placing himself in the same level as the Moyashi, to weave a similarity between them, he was either crazy or stupid. The only part that would sound more believable was the Central preferring to announce him dead and blame the Moyashi (who by then had already been named an enemy) if it wasn't for the circumstances around it and the fact that this was Link who was talking to.
"I don't buy this crap." He came down some steps, deciding it was enough. "Men from the Central like you? Better yet, men like you? They can give up anything and everything. Be it your heart, your body, life and even your very soul." A glimpse under the moon. Mugen's blade pressed Link's face, against the skin wrapping flesh and blood. The blonde was well trained in eschewing reactions and remained still.
"Especially you, someone is so sick in your devotion to Levelier."
Those were tricks Kanda knew too much to allow them to work. It was a basic psychological attempt at manipulation: Confessing something, lowering himself due to a failure and displaying regret, then trying to establish a common ground to bond, all just so the person listening would be moved by pity and a feeling of being alike and, therefore, believe they could trust each other.
He had heard things like that before and from people who were far better and subtler than Link. And one thing the blonde should know about him was that Kanda hated to be manipulated.
"If your mission here is to kill the Moyashi, I'll dismember you right now" He growled in a metallic tone that warned he was not saying it figuratively, nor giving empty threats. "I am the one who is going to kill him."
In the case the brat lost the battle to the Fourteenth, the Noah genes turning out to be too powerful, that was what Kanda would do. And for a fairly simple reason: Because that was what the Moyashi would have liked someone to do for him, if he was unable to do it himself.
And Kanda still had his honor.
Link didn't shiver when the blade pressed his face in a fine line.
"If… If he can win against the fate determined for a "host", then I would like to see this. I want to." His voice was so low it could have been imagined. Although Link kept looking at Kanda, his mind was filled by memories of the Thirds who had been lost, despite him still calculating the words. "If people can, just with their hearts, actually change and decide their own futures against all odds… This is something I would like to learn."
Kanda scoffed at this, his eyes never leaving the other's face. Really, did Link think he would be convinced with that?
"Pretty words. Nothing more." He turned his back at him. He could have said more, but it wouldn't have made a difference, it would be just a waste of time in the end. Even if Link was being sincere, this was not something a person like him could learn. "Appear near us once more and your head will be rolling on the ground before you realize you're dead."
It would be his only warning.
XxX
Raz knew she had to call Elana and the others. Alison's shift would be ending soon, it was one of the few days she stayed there until a little later due to organizing the new products. Soon they would all be back and needed to know about those men, so they could decide if they wanted to return or to find another place to stay for the moment. It wouldn't be right to not warn them.
On another hand, she still didn't want to leave Allen, be it alone or with that man. The samurai one had left a few seconds ago, she didn't know why, but just hoped he wasn't getting in contact with the Order. The man with glasses, Johnny, had told her this couldn't be the case, but Raz had not dismissed the possibility.
She looked at Timcampy resting on Allen's chest. He turned to her, touching her hand with the fluffy tuff on the end of his tail, which had been waving now and then. Raz had never been able to fully understand what kind of "thought" that flying little ball was able to have, but judged that the gesture meant that things would be okay.
"There is something I need to do." She said quietly, attracting the gaze of Johnny as she stood up. "Timcampy, if something happens, warn me." The golem made a nodding movement with his whole body to show he had understood.
She would be quick, coming back as fast as she could.
"Uh…" Johnny tried when she stood, unsure of how to speak or even what to say and receiving a stare that had nothing but ice on it. He wanted to avert his gaze at once, but forced himself against it.
"You… You hate us, right?" He couldn't stop being bothered by this. It was ridiculous, of course, she was a Noah, they despised any human being and especially those connected to the Black Order, but… Somehow, it seemed a little different. Maybe because, just like he could imagine her standing at the side of the Clan as they woke Alma Karma, so could he remember her protecting Allen and how she had been holding his hand until now.
He was still scared, still wanted to avoid provoking her as he would do with a wild animal.
Raz remained in silence for some seconds, her back to him as she reflected whether or not to reply.
"I hate the Order."
Johnny could feel it. It rolled from her, never-ending, never stopping, thin ice holding back a storm.
His mouth was dry.
"Even if I were not a Noah, I still would. I do not quite hate you or that other in a personal way." She added in an aside manner, looking back to him. Johnny understood this didn't mean much, only that for now they held just her distrust. While she might not hate them (yet, maybe), she certainly didn't like them either.
"W-Why?" The word escaped his mouth before he could reflect if there was any sense in even asking such a thing. That she hated the Order, well, as he had just thought, it was expected and even natural.
Wasn't it?
The girl kept her silence, studying him and Johnny thought he wouldn't get any answer (she seemed to speak only when necessary, at least with him and Kanda) when she started in a tone that was calm, but distant and lacking any sort of emotion, invoking a shiver deep in his entrails.
"When I woke up, all I knew was my own name. I didn't know who I was or even what I was. I still don't know much about myself." She knew she was a Noah, but it often didn't feel enough and what she did know were fragments too lost to make sense. Her gaze went to Allen… Someone passing by would think he was asleep, unaware that there was actually a battle going on inside him.
It wasn't fair.
Johnny felt a punch in his brain. If what she had just said was true, then somehow that girl hadn't known anything when Allen met her? A Noah who didn't know who she was, some people at the Order could have considered this ironically amusing.
He didn't.
"Allen could have left me, could have killed me, could have handed me over to the Order." In her state of back then, she would have been unable to do anything and presenting the Central a captured Noah would have helped Allen a lot. Her eyes went back to Johnny and neither her vocal cords nor features betrayed the inner self. "Not knowing anything, not remembering anything, not even knowing the world around me… I was a burden. And yet, he never left me… On the contrary, he took care of me, taught me and helped me. Even if I am a Noah and he is chosen by Innocence."
No surprise to be found there. It was easy to imagine Allen walking with that Noah on the streets, teaching her how things worked, not unlike one would with a small child, even telling her about the war and the Clan as risky as it was.
Perhaps it was partially due to this being so natural to Allen that many in the Order had easily believed him to be a traitor, not knowing him enough to see how impossible that was.
Johnny didn't quite think it was just that, it had nothing to do with anything, it was something bigger than that war, the steady scenario and the roles that they had been assigned to.
"That's why I hate the Order." The girl finished before she turned and walked towards the door, hair falling over her back. "You knew him, you were his family… And you abandoned him."
He followed her with his eyes and found that he couldn't answer this. Even if they didn't want it to be so, it was true. No mattering the circumstances and details, that was what they had done in the end. Yes, Levelier had forbidden anyone from seeing Allen, but neither of them had insisted or tried anyway. They had just… Followed the command. Accepted it.
"I saw Allen's tears."
The whisper was so low, almost from a dream or a nightmare. Johnny felt he was sinking in himself, in his regret. He recalled all the times Allen had smiled, all the times he had said "It's fine" and wondered, not for the first time, how many of those times had been untruthful.
The girl turned her head to him.
"To me, he is a brother."
It was hard to doubt so after seeing her placing a sword in Kanda's throat and demanding that he stayed away. It sounded like insanity, a Noah saying this regarding an Innocence Accommodator. Johnny would have liked to tell her Allen felt the same… But those would have been words without a real meaning since he had just met her and had no idea of what had truly happened in those three, almost four months. He squeezed Allen's hand, hoping he could somehow feel his presence and that he would wake up soon.
Raz, on her turn, wasn't saying this just to hear pretty words from the man, she just wanted to make something here quite clear.
"Noah, Exorcist, Innocence, it matters not. If someone tries to do anything against him… I will personally send them, body and soul, straight to Hell."
XxX
When he opened his eyes, he saw only the unknown ceiling and a moon-bathed room, needing a moment to orient himself, to feel the bones and nerve connections once again. There was a warm weight in his chest that he knew and his hands felt warm as well, one of them still being held…
The person who had been with him, a man with glasses, hugged him and blabbed about how he was awake now and well, offering some sandwiches, but he had just asked for water. His throat felt sore, almost as if the flesh inside would crack.
He had felt a pain in his abdomen, soon seeing the white feathers twisting over the flesh and coming of it as a nest of snakes.
When the man had distracted himself, going on about painkillers, he had taken his chance to throw his head against the wall, as he would with a useless object. A red line of blood had formed before Johnny Gill fell on the floor.
Unconscious or dead, it made no difference.
The first surprise had been when he had headed to the bathroom adjacent to the room to wash his face and clear his still dizzy mind, then seeing his pale reflection. It had been quite a shock. Well, nothing to be done about it.
Since he had some time and needed to gather the state of things, he sat on the bed. The golden golem waved its wings upon seeing him, recognizing his master of years ago, nuzzling his face before giving him all essential information it had recorded about Allen Walker.
Now, sitting there and holding his face in one of his hands, Neah took a deep sigh.
"This has to be a joke…" He grumbled to himself before growling to no one in particular. "CROSS! You cretin, why did you have to go and die, moron?"
Without him, there were some complications to the whole plan he had. That moron! He had always known the redheaded would end up killing himself one day or another, but for that to happen now! Fine, Allen Walker, along with that man… What was the name again? Oh, Samuel Kallen… Yeah, Cross had spoken of him once or twice, now that he was thinking about it.
Well, they didn't believe Cross was dead. He… He wasn't sure he could argue with their points, deep down Neah also doubted this was really the case.
Yet, with him having disappeared…
"That damn idiot. And he would call my attention to being careful and all that shit!"
And the ass had had the guts to place debts on the name of his host! Damn him, he probably thought it was really funny. When he got his hands on that idiot friend of his…
Nor had this been the last of the surprises.
"And now Raziah…" Neah muttered, leaning his elbow in one of his knees, hiding his face on his hand with a smile whose emotion one couldn't truly distinguish.
Raziah…
Raziah was here…
He hadn't imagined he would ever see her in such a situation. All things considered, perhaps the loss of memories was not a wonder… Heh, when Allen had found her, when she had woken up, she had looked as lost as a little fawn or something. At least Allen had helped her…
Though, under some aspects… She seemed to be still the same.
"A brother, eh?" He whispered, once Timcampy had showed also the last words she had said before leaving the room. There was irony in this, no doubt.
It would take time for her to remember things. If she ever did. He wondered what she would do once it happened… Including the things that she would, years ago, probably have been glad to forget forever.
Someone upstairs had a real sense of irony.
"It's not like I can do anything about that. Speaking of which…" He looked down at Timcampy. "Why did he forget me too?" Not only this, but Allen also looked younger… Which made no sense. At all. Noahs had different metabolisms than humans and as such, they aged at a slower rate. Allen had been older than that when Neah met him… Heck, his name wasn't even "Allen"!
His body should have aged normally until now since the genes hadn't altered it yet.
But for him to look younger…
What on Earth did this mean?
He looked different too, with that white hair and scar and the…
His eyes stared the left arm, almost as if wanting to peel the skin off.
"Or is it something with you?" Neah muttered. "Did you do something, Innocence?" He knew he wouldn't feel any answer. He wasn't the Innocence's master, even if he was now in control of that body.
"No matter what happens, I'm an Exorcist. I refuse to become someone else!" He remembered Allen had said that to Earl and the Noah Clan, on the same occasion they had seen each other clearly for the first time, when the stab from the samurai had strengthened him. Crown Clown was Allen's Innocence and it had struggled to keep the balance, but Kanda's attack had affected his genes, his own anger, and forced them into a reaction. Like a disease forces the immunologic system to act and it had rushed things up.
And now, here they were.
"So this is a farewell, my friend…" He whispered although Allen couldn't hear him, still asleep inside himself.
He would have to think about his next steps now. Raziah… Her presence in itself was not an obstacle in the great scheme of things, no matter if she saw Allen as a brother or not… This is was a particular issue, even thirty-five years ago she had been unaware of his plans.
And, like Allen, she didn't remember him anymore.
For a moment, Neah thought about the moments they had spent together and with the other Noahs, like Road. Sitting and talking during dinner, laughing together or then Raz sitting on the floor, back against the piano as if asleep as he played, another Noah sitting, sitting on a couch near the window and later talking about the song… The time the Earl had found her and brought her home…
He remembered those moments.
He also remembered her, stained with blood, shivering, and the days she had spent without saying a single word.
"Tim…" He told the golem, aware the samurai or Raz could be back at any moment. Even now, Neah couldn't control Allen's body for long, as it had been due to time and chance that a window of opportunity had finally come at the perfect hour. He had known he was getting stronger before, but to finally be able to seize control, even if just for a little while, was a welcomed confirmation. "Don't share this conversation of ours with anyone, agreed? From now on, I'll be able to see things through his eyes..."
He stopped for a moment, caressing Timcampy, who leaned in his palm.
"If he wants to find out about me, that's even better. Give them some clues from time to time, to trigger dreams of Allen's past… And this may help Raz too…"
How she would react once she remembered everything?
And the dreams those triggers could give Allen as well… They would help him in the long run, slowly erasing him, until Neah was the new owner of that body. Or perhaps he would remember the promise he had made and allow that to happen.
Their promise…
"This can be my last journey… And I have my promise to Mana, too." He smiled, aware his time was over, and smiled at his Golem, at his friend. "Let's go on together, then, Timcampy."
It was the last thing he said, once more recoiling in the corner inside Allen's mind where his conscience remained without the boy feeling his presence.
In the same instant, a blade touched Allen's neck.
"Fourteenth?" Kanda demanded, voice full of rage. At his side, the Noah girl had shadows slithering over her hand and under her feet.
When he had been heading back to the inn, Kanda had found Raz, who had been on the phone talking with someone. The Exorcist had thought it could be another Noah, but soon pushed the idea away. It didn't feel like it and he guessed the Clan had better ways of communication.
Both had then headed back to the room and the only thing Kanda had said had been a question as to whether or not the Moyashi could trust her.
Raz limited herself to retort by asking the same.
Kanda then had invaded the room upon hearing mumbling, not hesitating when he took but a second to realize the scene ahead and thrown himself against the man of white hair. Raz hadn't protested, feeling what had happened as well.
Her senses scanned the room for something the eyes couldn't catch.
"It's me! Allen!" The boy tried to say, the blade of Mugen held firm against his neck. Not moving, Kanda yelled.
"HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS?"
Then Allen saw… Fallen in a corner, was Johnny. A thick line of red on the wall. Raz was holding him, trying to wake him up… He could see a wound in the corner of his head, flesh exposed and face tainted in blood.
Kanda pulled the girl away, telling her to let him handle it as he bit his wrist, tearing the skin, freeing blood. Raz was close to Allen again, a black dagger firm in her hand as she hoped this was Allen and not the Fourteenth, that Allen hadn't lost the fight…
The horror and self-loathing in his eyes were enough of an answer.
"Ugh… K-Kanda?" Johnny muttered, a throbbing at the side of his head echoing in his brain "Why… My head… Hurts…" Noticing the blood, Johnny was nervous (he had never been one to take well the sight of it), but soon understood what probably had happened. Allen would never attack him, so it should have been…
Allen however recoiled. He also knew what had happened, it wasn't hard to figure it out, there was no other answer, it was there in front of him…
He had hurt Johnny.
He had hurt Johnny.
The blood in the wall, in his face, that wound…
He had caused it.
The red attracted his eyes, killing all other colors in the world.
"Allen…" Raz started, serious, aware of what he must be thinking, but the boy didn't hear her.
"I hurt him, I hurt him, I hurt him…" His mind repeated nonstop, as if trying to find some meaning in the words, a context in which the scene made any kind of sense.
"It wasn't Allen…" Johnny said, turning to him, things becoming clear in his mind. "Did I mistake that person for Allen?" Ignoring the pain in his head, he forced his body to comply and stand, but the boy jumped backward, white waves wrapping his body in fury.
"DON'T ANY OF YOU COME ANY CLOSER!"
"Allen, stop, it's…" Raz started, trying to come to him but the waves of Innocence had an aura of warning that she had never felt before from him, at least not directed at her.
"Don't any of you come near me…" Allen growled, not out of rage and avoiding her eyes. There was an expression in his face that Raz had seen before. The white cape seemed made of sharp-edged feathers that would rip apart anyone who didn't heed his warning.
Kanda didn't look at all impressed.
"Oh, so now you're going to run away?" He provoked the other, staring him up and down with a scowl. "Leave those two behind to disappear again? As if in your condition…"
"SHUT UP, BAKANDA!" Allen screamed back, cutting his words in a way that clearly stated the Japanese shouldn't talk about things he didn't understand. When he spoke again, it was in a more controlled tone, though he struggled to not let his voice tremble. "Try to understand this, okay? I'm not running away… I'm just taking the safer path… I still can fight, but…"
His eyes went to Johnny, his muscles still tensed, ready to move.
"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Johnny…" All he could think of was how he had hurt him. A wound in the head could be serious, he could have killed him and for Kanda to resort to healing him with his blood, then it had been worrying. It didn't matter that it had been the Fourteenth in a moment of control, his hands still had been the ones to perform the act.
His muscles shivered.
Next time could be worse. What if next time, that Noah truly ended up killing someone? No… No, he couldn't allow this, he couldn't. Lately, with his feverish moments, he had thought about this in the deep hours of the night, feeling the cold of fear…
Samuel, Elana, Alison, Lauren, Raz… By staying with them, he was placing them at risk. Friends kept each other safe, what kind of friend was he if he exposed them to this? Neah could slit their throats in their sleep or worse!
Johnny's voice called to him once more.
"You saw what just happened!" Allen insisted, interrupting. He had to leave, he should have known. Raz would explain to the others and they would stay together. They were strong, they could take care of each other. "This will happen again! You know it!"
Raz kept looking at him and Kanda rolled their eyes.
"Allen, for the love of…"
He didn't pay her any attention.
"And I can't, I won't be caught by the Order now, either…"
"You haven't given up, have you, Allen?" The quiet voice of Johnny was no more than a whisper, however, it suffocated the other's words. For some reason, he smiled. "You know, your eyes? They look the same as before, eyes of someone who still has hopes! And I'm glad for that..."
His eyes were not exactly the same, but to see they still boasted that quality, that quality of Allen made Johnny feel hope as well. He managed to hold Allen in a way Kanda's provocation had not. Still ignoring the wound, as if forgetting it completely, Johnny stood up.
"Look, back at the Order, I didn't do anything for you…" He admitted, refusing to lower his eyes. It could have been interpreted as an expression of regret, however, Johnny would rather admit his mistake looking at Allen's eyes. "I didn't say anything, I didn't do anything… Allen, I'm sorry. Please, forgive me. I'm really sorry for what I did…"
Allen opened his mouth, probably to say he didn't blame him or to try to explain again that he had to leave, but Johnny didn't give him chances.
"But I'll be at your side from now on, understand? Really at your side. I swear. I left the Order. Because I don't want to leave my friend." Emphasizing his words, Johnny held his head higher. Allen could think whatever he wanted, believe he had to be alone in that fight against what was inside him, but the truth was completely different. "I want to stay with you until the end. Not as someone from the Science Department, but as Johnny Gil… As your friend."
Allen felt his body shivering. Nothing related to the Noah genes or fear, but rather something old he had thought he had forgotten… With the time they had spent together, he had come to like Alison and the others… And he truly loved Raz. Wisely had called them "little siblings" and while this sounded disturbing coming from him, Allen had realized already that he didn't mind thinking of her as a sister…
But people are irreplaceable. One couldn't occupy the space of another in a heart. Therefore, there was something different in hearing those words coming from someone who had been part of the Order before and from someone whom he had met there, who had been part of his family. To know, personally, that someone from his past still believed him and wanted to be with him…
This just made Allen realize just how much he missed home.
Kanda looked away. He recognized some words and gestures were necessary, but that didn't mean he enjoyed this kind of scene. However, the Moyashi was distracted now, caught by surprise by what he had just heard.
Fine, then.
"NOW!" He screamed, pouncing over him like a panther. "HOLD HIM DOWN!"
Allen let out a cry of protest, but felt his legs stuck. Looking down, he saw them wrapped in shadows.
"RAZ, LET ME GO!"
She pretended to not listen.
"Rope! Rope" Johnny mumbled as he started to search in his bag.
"LET ME GO, YOU THREE!"
Minutes of afterward, filled by struggling, screaming, name-calling, and curses (the last two coming from Kanda), Allen was tied up by thick ropes, reinforced by Raz's shadows. Their touch was delicate, but Allen knew how firm they could become if necessary. As much as he thrashed around, he couldn't get free and stopped.
Kanda, seeming satisfied after checking the knots, stood up.
"Just stay there, we're going to check Gil's head." He told Allen, who growled in reply, making the samurai roll his eyes. "Could you stop being an idiot for once? Or is this really part of your nature?" He turned to the girl, sitting at his side. "Watch him."
Raz couldn't say she liked receiving orders like that, but remained where she was.
"So you are all just going to leave me tied up like this?" Allen protested out loud, starting to struggle again, without success. Johnny tried to say something, to assure they would free him soon, but Kanda was done with trying to reason with the Moyashi. Maybe a time tied up would help the idiot to calm down and for once try to use his head and understand his stubbornness wouldn't take him anywhere. That was already pissing him off.
"You're the one who asked for this, Moyashi, so how about stop complaining and staying there quiet, if you please?"
"IT'S ALLEN!" He screamed in reply as the samurai closed the door, not dignifying that with an answer. Allen groaned. Even if he activated Crown Clown to get free, apparently Raz wouldn't hesitate to hold him back and the noise would call Kanda back. And he knew the samurai wouldn't mind attacking him until he lost his senses.
Great.
"I can't say they are wrong, Allen…" Raz commented, sitting with one knee up and leaning her arm on it as she studied him. "You were really acting as a self-sacrificing idiot."
"Oh, be quiet…" He grumbled, turning his head away. He could just imagine what the others would say to all of this. Johnny had said that he had left the Order… Allen didn't think he would lie to him (but a small voice in his mind seemed to whisper that it was better to be sure), but if that was the case, why Kanda was wearing the Order's uniform?
Should they just leave?
They… They could, but if Johnny was telling the truth and he had taken those risks to find him…
He moved a little, with a discomfort that had nothing to do with the ropes. What was he thinking? Neah could have killed Johnny. To know he had been able to control his body…
He felt dirty.
There was something rotten inside of him…
He felt Raz's shadows moving along the ropes, with a gentleness that was not unlike that of a blanket, trying to hold back what made their touch so disturbing to humans. She seemed about to say something when the room's door slammed open, revealing Alison and Elana, who quickly looked from Raz to Allen, blinking and not understanding at all what they saw. By Elana's breathing and Alison's eyes, it was possible to see they had run back to the inn after Alison had received Raz's call at her work ready for a fight, should it be necessary.
"Uh…" Alison started, unsure of what to say. "Should I ask?"
"No, I don't think so… Please, don't" Allen mumbled in reply, not for the first time wondering why he had so much bad luck.
XxX
To explain everything to the others once they had all returned took a little longer than one would have expected. They heard the explanations without interruptions though, and Allen considered it a good signal that none of them had greeted Kanda and Johnny with immediate violence.
Johnny had proceeded to tell about how he had run away from the Order and met with Kanda, then being impressed to learn that the group was made of ex-Exorcists (as Alison had emphasized, not at all pleased when he miscalled them for such).
Once the introductions were made, Johnny recognized some by names such as Alison Rouwen and Lauren Ashford, though they didn't seem to remember him (and they didn't, one had spent her time more in another branch's building and the other rarely talked to the Science Department back then, just with Komui sometimes). Samuel, however, greeted him and Johnny recognized him, surprised to see the man alive since Samuel Kallen had been classified as deceased ages ago.
Kanda didn't seem to know any of them personally or even by name. Or perhaps it had been just his usual behavior, Allen for one couldn't tell.
"How did you manage to not turn into Fallen Ones?" He asked as they ate in the room. Lauren had told the keeper that one of them wasn't feeling well and with the sad eyes of a child fearing for her parents' health, had asked permission for them to have dinner in the room together, though this was usually against the local rules. Since they had been there for a week and some days, the woman agreed, saying it would be just that time.
"Those who don't know you, fall for it." Alison had thought to herself, knowing how well Lauren could act.
"Sincerely, I thought that might happen when I ran off." Taking how Lauren spoke, she had preferred the risk and she shrugged, to show it didn't matter even if now her stomach had suddenly done a flip-flap before the idea, trying to get free from the food it didn't want to digest anymore.
She knew enough about that process.
While the two newcomers had explained they didn't want to take Allen to the Order and meant no harm to any of them, this was far from enough for her or anyone else. That Allen was giving them the benefit of the doubt counted for her, at least until a certain limit… In the end, she had decided that keeping things polite would be the best policy.
Alison and Elana were made of a different material and didn't bother hiding their distrust. Allen wished Kanda would take his black coat off. It was a visual detail that wasn't helping the others to see him as someone not from the Order. Alison's deep green eyes were like scalpels on him and Johnny and Allen could see she was on edge. Elana displayed a coldness in her expression that was very much unlike her.
Raz didn't seem comfortable either and, unlike her silence of when they had met the Exiled, this one felt heavy.
"But no." The mocha-skinned girl continued, mixing the rice and meat with her fork distractively. Allen knew her enough to see that behind that attitude, she had no trust for Kanda or Johnny either, but seemed willing to at least try to be pleasant. "Maybe because our synchronization never diminished, I dunno."
"Might as well have said "who cares?", Lauren…" Allen thought.
"We left the Order, but we still hunt akumas." Alison interjected once, sounding far colder than when Allen had met them and had a similar conversation. She was unsure if this was the reason, she just wanted to end that subject. It was a question she had stopped thinking about a long time ago, anyway.
"You've met three, four months ago, then?" Johnny asked, a curative in the corner of his head. Nothing of what had happened had had the slightest effect in his mood, neither did the distrust of the others. Since they were runaways from the Order (and had been for a long time), this wasn't an unexpected behavior and honestly, he was too happy knowing that Allen hadn't been alone all this time like he had thought to care, no matter if it felt awkward at first.
"And do you already know what she is?" Kanda's question interrupted whatever answer Johnny might receive. His dark eyes were on the Noah, who just sustained his glare with a lack of interest that was almost challenging in a certain way. Allen threw Kanda an angry look, not caring if his attitude wasn't different from what he had expected.
"Yeah, he didn't change at all."
"Not at first. Nor about the Fourteenth." Samuel's deep voice was nothing if not calm, showing that the subject had no impact on him, at least not anymore. He would have liked to say that it could be hard for someone who had just left the Order to accept the idea that a Noah was part of their group but that for them, who had walked away long ago, it was as if the chains that had once held their minds had been broken with time. Perhaps he would have said so, if the man didn't think this might lead to an argument, which he would rather avoid during dinner.
If Cross were here and heard him, Samuel knew the redheaded would have a few words of his own to say.
"We told them a while ago." Allen affirmed, still giving Kanda a glare before his attention returned to his food.
"And how has this… This travel been?" Johnny asked, looking from Raz to Allen, feeling the firecrackers that could jump from the question about the girl's nature. Even with this, the idea of being close to a Noah like that was far from pleasant and there was something eerie about her that frankly creeped him out.
Whatever it was, he couldn't help being afraid of her.
Allen stared at him, still annoyed and just raised his wrist which had a shackle with two circular spikes, making Johnny's attempt at a smile to slide down his face.
"Well… I… I'm sorry for this… I really don't remember the code."
Lauren bit her lower lip to hold a laugh as Elana and Samuel just exchanged looks that were between worried and amused, recalling what they knew and what they had heard about the Science Department's experiments.
They had had a couple of words to Allen regarding his attempt at going away as well. While the threat that Neah posed was understandable, none of them considered it enough to warrant him leaving. As Alison had pointed out, they could make their own decisions about it, thank you very much.
But with Allen still trying to at least get free when it seemed that Raz or Kanda had lowered their guard, the samurai had lost what remained of his already-limited patience and dug in Johnny's bag until he had found a pair of shackles. Johnny had tried to alert him about it, but it was too late: The shackles had been made by Reever to stop Komui from running away all the time and would send a low electric jolt when the people were separated by more than twenty meters from each other. And he couldn't remember the code that would open them.
Hearing this, Kanda had been stunned for a second and then proceeded to call the whole Department of names Raz had never heard in her entire life.
Lauren had found the whole deal, despite problematic, somehow funny and ignoring how Allen had at once tried to take his shackle off by force, thanked Johnny. Personal feelings aside, with the akumas hunting them more frequently those last days, any reason to laugh was welcomed.
Allen, however, hadn't found it funny at all.
XxX
People left trails. Traits in routine, especially if they spent time together. Students used to know where their classmates sat, people who had the habit of eating at the same place could know each other by sight even if they never spoke…
So, Reever didn't get surprised when sometimes he passed by the table Johnny tended to use to check his reports and other papers and was caught by the impression that he would see him there, almost thinking he had a report for him to check or something to tell him…
Then he would remember. It had been weeks since the other had left, but after years of Johnny being part of the Science Department in the Order, it was hard to get used to the idea of his absence.
It had been the same with Walker.
"Living together or just caged together?" His mind whispered coldly and he tried to not send the thought away, even if that disturbed him. Sitting at a table close to the window, as it had become his habit, he read over some reports he didn't care much about.
"Chief Reever, are you alright?"
He turned to Miranda, picking the cup that was on the table and taking a sip of coffee.
"Yeah, I'm fine…"
The woman didn't seem at all convinced and her eyes remained on him, so dark that sometimes Reever felt they could be wells with a kind of warmth.
"You should take care of yourself" She said, taking a seat near him. "You're too pale. And you didn't have dinner… I mean, I don't mean to intrude, but if you keep this up, you may get sick." She added quickly, blushing and fearing he would think she was being intrusive. The truth was, she couldn't avoid getting worried, for him, for her friends, she just couldn't…
For some reason, Reever felt his face growing warm under the skin.
"There is nothing to it, I just wasn't hungry…" It was a curious mix of lies and truth. He hadn't realized if he was hungry or not because lately, he would drown himself in his work in a feverish manner. He had found out that if he was too focused on his duties, then his mind didn't wander to thoughts he didn't want.
Miranda shook her head.
"Supervisor Komui noticed that too." She said quietly to him. "And he is worried." The man didn't say anything to this, but didn't tell her to go away, which Miranda took as a positive signal. Chewing her lower lip, she wondered what she could say or do to make him feel better.
She took the risk.
"It's Johnny, isn't it?" They all knew he had left, but while some had accepted that he needed to take care of a relative (mother or grandmother, she wasn't sure), Miranda didn't think that was true.
Reever looked at her. There were moments Miranda seemed more intuitive than others gave her credit for. Suddenly, he felt something agitating inside and before he realized, he was managing to put into words something that until now had been twisting inside him.
"Johnny went after Allen. He was the only one who had the courage to do so." Reever whispered, though, with the noise in the Science Department room (even if it was night already), it made no difference. "I… I trust Allen too, I know he didn't do anything wrong, but… After so much time here, working in the Order, focusing on this war and trying to help the Exorcists…"
He sighed, running his hand on his hair.
"Now I can't help but think… If we're truly fighting for humanity, then why did we let this happen?"
Miranda didn't say anything and the silence pulled more words from Reever in a red line in which his entrails were caught.
"We've been working here for so long that we… We never questioned anything, even when we disagree with the Central. When Allen was arrested, we had orders to not see him and we just got angry, but didn't actually try anything… And even after what Allen did for the Central, they classified him as an enemy… I mean… It could have been any of us in the end, and…" He shook his head and Miranda saw how this had been eating him inside. He groaned, running his hand across his face.
"Does this sound like what the side fighting for humanity would do?"
The man's elbows were on the table and he held his head. The reports in front of him gained mocking hues. It should be simple. Noahs and Humans. Two sides. Nothing similar between them. No common ground.
"I don't know anymore… I'm just not sure anymore of what is right."
The woman's hand touched his back in a gentle caress. She tried to imagine what it felt to be in the Order for as long as Reever had, but never leaving to the battlefield and just being able to help from inside. That didn't diminish his value at all, but she could understand what he meant.
It wasn't just his friendship with Allen or Johnny that worried him and created some hostile feeling to the Central, but the decisions made lately caused him to doubt all he had believed until now. Once you started to question what was right and wrong, if the Order was right or not…
Where did they belong in that war?
They were the weaker side, no doubt, whose chances of winning were low.
Yet they were all that stood between the Earl and humanity's death.
"Maybe… Maybe we don't need to choose if we should fight for a friend or for humanity…" The woman muttered unsure, since this was no comfort whatsoever, but an opinion. "They can't ask us to do this, to choose between one or the other."
After all, it wasn't as if supporting a friend, humanity would be forgotten and condemned. But now, with Allen considered a Noah, that's what seemed to be like in the vision of those who believed in his betrayal.
Because a good soldier follows orders.
Because they had been taught all along that Noahs were monsters. Of course, the Clan played the part to a tee, they were monsters, and yet… Allen was anything but, and many people had accepted so far easier if in comparison to what one might expect.
Because the Organization had said so.
And because good soldiers follow orders.
The words she had heard from superiors such as Levelier and the other chiefs of the branches now felt like strands of iron cutting and sucking out the blood to make them dance in a rhythm chosen by others. Heh, it should be easier for those seated at such a high point that they all looked as pawns in a chessboard…
But after a while, roles became easier to accept and people could get used to it… To be players or pawns, even to those piercing strings.
"Us" and "them". What "we" are and what "they" are.
You got used, you got settled, you accepted.
"Right", "wrong"… Terms that were slippery in reality, frequently mixed in a dance, strands of ripped-out skin uniting them in a whole thing whose colors changed depending on which point you sat to watch.
Suddenly, Miranda felt like she was going to be sick.
"We are not marionettes…" She muttered, unaware if to herself or Reever, who held her hand as if he couldn't ever let go again.
Ana: Whew! There we go! The meeting between Johnny, Kanda and the Exiled wasn't that easy to write.
Alison: Do we have to put up with them?
Ana: You know that they spent a long time searching for Allen, it's not like you guys can just lose them.
Allen: That I have to agree, knowing them.
Ana: So, this is a part that I still followed the manga a little, until the part they meet the Earl. After that... We're back to a complete different plot.
CrimsonVega: Thanks so much! As I said, reviews where the readers tell me what they think (of the plot and characters) and what they think will happen are the ones that make me happiest!
Kanda: About time we found the damn Moyashi.
Ana: Well, as you saw, they concluded pretty soon that she is a Noah, especially due to her powers.
Kanda: Wait a minute, I just met that Noah!
Raz: I don't even trust this guy!
Ana: I loved to hear about those pairings! Kanda/Raz, hm? I can't say if this will happen, but it would be interesting!
Kanda: Please, give me a break.
Ana: Well, there will be shippings with the Exiled, but I can't say if it will be with a cannon character or not.
Samuel: Me and Kanda?
Elana: People do like this guy...
Ana: You have no idea. Don't worry, deep down he is a nice guy.
Allen: Deep, deep, deeep down.
Kanda: What's that supposed to mean?
Ana: We do love you Kanda-chan.
Kanda (with Mugen): Try calling me this again.
Ana: And... Yes. They will meet the Earl.
jy24: Yup, they did. It was easier for them, after what she said and how she refuses to attack the Akumas. Since she could make a sword with her power, it was clear that she could attack, but chose not to.
Klaud: I'm thinking about several things, especially since my meeting with Walker.
Ana: After this particular part, of meeting Kanda and Johnny and being found by the Earl, then we're back to a very different plot. Link just found them recently and since they are all attentive to their surroundings, he can't be very near all the time. So, for now, he isn't sure of them.
bibliophile030: Thanks so much! I swear, I've never noticed this while reading the books I have in English and no one ever taught that to me during the English classes! I'll try paying attention to it from now on! And hey, happy you like Raz! It always means a lot to me when people like my characters!
Allen: She still doesn't know much... We hope her dreams will make more sense soon or that SOMEONE will bring at least part of her memories back -glaring to the author-
Ana: Give it time... This is a particular thing that bothers me about the Order. But again, in a war, I think it is easier to not think about the enemy as beings with emotions and lives. It is hard and terrible enough with having this in mind. The line was crossed when they just forgot all that Allen did just for things that aren't even his fault (like having a Noah inside him. How about helping him instead of throwing him in a cell?).
Lauren: That's why we decided to bail. There are nice people there, sure, but the Order isn't as nice as they want others to think.
Ana: Hope you have liked this chapter too!