Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man in any way, all credit goes to Katsura Hoshino.

Summary: Forced to leave the Order, Allen comes across a secret hidden in the depths of the Ark. Now, hunted by the Noah Clan and considered an enemy by the place he once called home, he has to search for the truth... The truth about Mana, Neah and himself. Where he came from and who he really is. Uncovering a web of illusions and doubts, Allen still moves forward as he promised to do... But what do you do in a war, when you feel like you don't belong to any side?

"The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you will see" – Winston Churchill

Act Twenty Four – Ghosts of Pain

The room could've easily passed by a hospital environment if taking into account the silence alone and not the physical elements. No one felt much like talking, limiting themselves to allow the muscles to slowly recover from the events and hoping they would stop feeling as stones instead of flesh.

And also for the pain to cease.

They either watched the old man and the redheaded or merely stared at some random point (the eyes giving away they were lost inside themselves). Miranda organized the gauzes, painkillers, and similar things on the end of one of the beds since the small table was taken. The house could be big, but they all had stayed in rooms close to each other and it would be better if everything was put in one place, should anyone need anything.

Besides, there was the need of doing something with her hands.

Seated at a point with his back leaning on the wall, Allen took small bites of a piece of bread. It had no real taste which didn't matter anyway to him. It wasn't as if his body would have been able to focus on it, anyway. Although their bodies were more resilient than that of "normal" humans and could recover faster, it didn't mean they felt nothing and neither that they wouldn't have done better with stronger medicine than which could be obtained by anyone at the local pharmacy.

God, it hurt.

On her turn, Elana examined Lavi and Bookman as she could, walking from one bed to another, touching their foreheads to be sure there were no signs of fever, hand resting on their chests to feel the ragged breathing, her own arm hidden in bandages. Miranda had commented they both looked quite thinner, but it didn't seem to be cause for great worry.

They had been fed enough to remain alive and without hunger-related problems. Elana for a moment had considered they had received only the necessary to keep them weak enough to not fight back, but she knew this hadn't been the exact point of the Noah: Even if they had been in their best shape, a fight in their situation would have been suicide.

Holding the old man's wrist, she concentrated. She was no specialist, but still considered that the heartbeat seemed normal… At least it was what she hoped for. Not able to think of anything else she could do to make sure they were fine, she remained there standing and intertwining her own fingers.

As fine as one could be, at least.

Being a nurse or doctor had always been her dream, which she had never been able to attempt to follow due to having been found as an Accommodator by the Order. Still, during her years in the Organization, she had tried to learn what was within her reach, besides the basic teachings offered by the Order. It hadn't been nearly enough to feel close to what she truly wanted to be, but it was better than nothing.

Her eyes crossed the room to meet Allen's. The boy stopped chewing without realizing it and Elana tried to smile, despite the complaining of the muscles, trying to convey a message in the gesture and something in Allen's features soothed.

The three of them had decided to remain in the room to take care of those two and now she had no idea of what else to do. A needle of pain pierced her when she took a seat on the floor near the old man's bed and the wound at the side of her body cried out, making her teeth seek the flesh inside the mouth to hold back a hiss.

It had been by sheer luck that it hadn't been anything more serious. She could only thank Johnny. As soon as Miranda's Innocence deactivated, their bodies had twisted themselves, veins bursting, flesh ripped apart by wounds that had remained unseen until that moment, as if in a horror story. Johnny hadn't wasted a moment and rushed to them, starting to help with the wounds alongside Miranda, despite how his stomach recoiled at the sight of blood.

Only then she had truly understood the woman's plea that they took extra care in the battle. The idea of facing the Noahs had gained new shades of nightmares.

A whimper of metal called her attention to the old door as it was opened. Samuel peeked inside for a second before going in, gazing at Elana for a moment before showing a weak smile that didn't reach his eyes. His chest was wrapped in layers of gauze under a loose coat and she could see the beginning of the scar he had gained in the Forest of Lights.

His arm was also held on an improvised sling, made of cloths. No bones had been broken, but Lulubell's attacks had left a painful injury along his arm and it would be better if he didn't move it too much. Tall Exorcist, Krory, had also suffered a deep cut going from his shoulder to his chest. Lulubell's whip had sliced through flesh and muscle. Krory's Innocence, helped by how it existed in his blood, had prevented him from bleeding to death. Although Innocences (especially parasitic types) sharpened the healing process of the body, making it possible for the Accommodators to sustain severe injuries without medical aid, it would still hurt and take time if he didn't go to a doctor.

Not that those were the only wounds.

"How are they?" Samuel inquired in a soft tone, voice scratching his throat on its way. Allen shrugged in a light movement, insecurity back clear in his face. Miranda had her arms around herself in a sort of hug, having nothing else to do now.

"We… We're not sure… We didn't find other injuries, only that…" She didn't continue, images from the past playing behind her eyes. The same happened to Allen as he recalled Wisely attacking Kanda with his mind power, something he had seen only for a second before falling into the memories of the samurai.

The physical wounds hadn't been many, or better saying, there were few external, lasting indications of them, but this didn't mean there weren't signs of abuse. And Allen could very well imagine the sort of injuries that didn't leave external marks the Noahs were able to cause.

A slow nod of understanding from Samuel stopped Miranda's words as a calming hand on the shoulder would. He turned to the bodies on the beds, not coming any closer.

"Only we don't know what else they've done." He completed it for her, before his attention went back to the woman. "Are you alright, Mrs. Lotto?" He asked her as her hands nervously held each other, itching with the need to move and get busy with something in an attempt to take her mind off memories and flashes and thought she would rather not have.

"Oh, yes. Thank you…" There was an attempt at smiling at the dark man, in the cautious way of one talking to someone who is still a stranger. "And… And you and the others?" She felt silly for asking, but she wanted to make an effort to build at least a friendly relationship with those people. Samuel seemed to accept the gesture as a pale smile came back to his face of panther.

Or a close of a smile as they all could right now.

"We'll live, that's what matters. Your Time Record was a great help…" He turned to Allen, going back to the other subject at hand. The weariness in his face gave a sick-like quality to his dark complexion "Johnny commented about going to town later to buy more food. He was trying to talk to Kanda through the door about it, asking if there was something he wanted."

That made the four of them to exchange knowing glances and almost mutter a giggle. Kanda had refused, with all the stubbornness possible, any medical help while insisting he could take care of himself alone and had retired to one of the rooms, mumbling that he wanted to sleep and would slice apart anyone that tried to bother him before closing the door.

Not that it made much of a difference to close it or not. Most of the doors didn't have locks and some were missing the entire doorknob anyway.

"But the idea of warm food does sound great…" A low voice whispered.

"Lenalee, you should be resting." Miranda reminded the girl, whose legs and feet were hidden by bandages and gauzes, protecting the burned skin and blisters caused by contact with Toraido's sword. No one doubted that the flesh could have melted away from the bones if the touch had lasted for enough time or if Lenalee was a normal person. After cooling the burns and applying a cream, then protecting it with bandages, Miranda had suggested that Lenalee took her time resting before walking around as they had no way of knowing how deep the damage could actually be, the healing of the Innocence non-standing. Lenalee knew Miranda had likely thought about when she had suffered nerve-damage from an akuma when they had met.

But there was little they could do about the pain.

"Oh, the room I'm staying in is close." It was the reply as the girl watched the others, placing a strand of hair behind her ear. She looked at Lavi and Bookman, though she knew there hadn't been any changes since they had taken them out of the Ark. "Johnny just talked to me about getting food from a restaurant or something."

"I can't say it's a bad idea." Allen muttered, almost to himself. Though they carried a pan and made small fires when they had to spend the night outdoors, Johnny's idea was definitely seductive.

Lenalee nodded in agreement. Miranda turned to check again Lavi's temperature.

"It shouldn't be much, but it would be good enough." She carried on, giving a tentative smile, remembering back when she used to eat together with Allen. A part of her had expected a more excited reaction, but then again, they were all wounded and still tired. "Besides, the kitchen here just can't be used. It's beyond hope." No one could disagree with that, the room would have been unidentifiable if it hadn't been for a large, quadrangular-shaped thing at a corner that had once been a stove. Even if the place received new furniture, the kitchen would still remain quite impossible to use.

"That's why we didn't even try to save it when we found this house." Allen commented with a shrug. "Johnny said not even his cleaning robot would have been able to do anything about it, didn't he, guys?"

"That he did." Elana sighed, shaking her head. "And I agree. Just look at that black thing on the corner." Just thinking about it almost made her shiver. It gave her the impression that the house could be washed from ceiling to floor with every cleaning product known to man and yet that spot would remain as dark as it was.

"The mold?" Allen said with an innocent expression, to which the woman at once groaned. His expression made it known it was the reaction he had aimed for.

"I'm not sure that is mold." And if it was, then it was likely harmful to the lungs. Elana then became thoughtful. "Maybe I'll go with him…" The words came lightly as the idea formed along with the sound. With the Exorcists, they made a large group (for now) and perhaps it would be better if someone helped him carry things. Besides, she felt the need of going out instead of just staying there resting. It was almost funny… Her muscles were exhausted and the only reaction the idea of rest caused was agitation.

"Yeah… Hilarious." The thought had no real humor.

"No." Samuel's tone was gentle iron. "You are going to lie down and rest."

Elana opened her mouth to protest at once. Allen was faster, not needing to hear her words to know what she would say.

"It's better, Ela. You've done enough already…" His smile was that of one who shares a secret as he winked. "You know that if you insist, we may end up locking you in a room and barricade the door."

Some humor appeared in the woman's eyes as she took a playful expression, pretending disdain for the idea.

"Oh, really? And pray tell, what room would you use when most of the doors are falling apart anyway?"

Allen didn't let the issue bother him.

"Maybe that small chapel under the stairs." The tone remained laced with false innocence. Its doors were between the stairs of the hall and there was no other way in or out, so Elana wouldn't have been tempted to use a window as an escape route, be by jumping or grabbing some branches of nearby trees.

"And I'll go help him, then. We need more medicine anyway." Samuel completed as if Elana had voiced her thoughts about helping Johnny, his eyes remaining on her like Allen's. Elana still felt the protests growing on her, but before Samuel's soft gaze, she was unable to voice them. It wasn't a demanding look, there was only worry to be found there.

"Not with this arm, you are not." Allen and Elana said at the same time. Despite being taller than both of them, Samuel suddenly looked sheepishly. Miranda hid a smile with her hand at the scene and looked at Lenalee, who was also watching but looking somewhat uneasy for some reason.

The blonde woman held back a sigh, for an instant, almost raising her hand to her face, to the purple bruise on the left side. Samuel seemed to notice it, somehow. She could see it in how he looked at her.

Being used to fights and having superior healing than normal humans, didn't mean the wounds didn't hurt. This made Samuel think about the medicine they still had.

"Maybe… We will end up having to steal." Members from the Order had easy access to all sorts of medicine and medical aid, even during their trips, but they hadn't had this luxury since years ago, so on some grave occasions they had resorted to small shoplifting in pharmacies or even breaking in late at night.

Only when there was no other option.

Didn't make the act any better, but what could they do?

Lenalee opened her mouth, suddenly wanting to say something, but nothing came to mind. In the end, she stayed quiet.

"And here I was, thinking we would have to lock Lauren somewhere…" Allen rolled his eyes, looking at the others. Elana and Samuel shared a chuckle to the idea of the girl's reaction upon finding herself locked in and what would happen when they finally released her.

"Oh, she would probably bring any barricade down and you know it." Samuel dismissed the idea with a wave, as a solemn expression took over Allen's features when he nodded after considering.

"Not to mention…" The white-haired boy completed. "What would happen to us once she got free."

The looks they exchanged made it clear what would probably be the consequences and Elana pretended to shiver. Samuel's attention turned to Miranda, his eyes still holding the shine of humor.

"You should rest as well, Miss. Lotto…" He hesitated. "Noise Marie said your Innocence affects your organism…"

No lie in this.

"I think Samuel is right, Miranda." Allen agreed with the man, not allowing pain to show when his back screamed when he stood up from where he had been sitting on the floor. "You should sleep a little as well" She had been protected as well as possible during the fight, but this didn't mean she hadn't had her share in the battle. And it had probably taken a toll on her organism that she was trying to hide.

Besides, they couldn't forget that as soon as they recovered a little, she and the other Exorcists would have to leave for the missions given by the Order. If they spent too much time without making contact, they would fall in suspicion.

Allen didn't want that to happen.

"I take care of things over here, don't worry."

"But…"

"I'll stay, too. You have been here for a while already." Samuel's eyes went to Lavi and Bookman, some warmth fading away when his gaze fell in the old man. "You guys also need to lie down a little." He turned to Elana and then Lenalee. "That goes for you two as well."

It wasn't as if there was much to be done for Lavi and the old man either way. Another needle of pain convinced Elana that it actually wouldn't be a bad deal to go take some rest and hope that the painkillers she had taken would be enough to help with it.

"A-Are you sure, Allen? I can stay here, too."

"What about your wounds, Lenalee?" It wasn't just her legs that had been hurt. Even if she went to lie down, there were also lacerations and cuts to heal.

"And, for all we know, they were just trying to hold us back. To keep us there until the others arrived" Some of the Noahs could easily have an attitude such as this. Well, perhaps not Lulubell… For what Allen could remember, she stood in his mind as someone who had her entire being sharpened towards efficiency. Tyki and that other Noah of wavy hair who controlled lines seemed more the type to enjoy playing with their prey.

His gaze went to the two unconscious Exorcists and his mouth went dry.

They would wake up, right?

Right?

"Don't worry." That was not only directed at her, but himself as well. "Anything happens, we call you guys, promise."

On one hand, Lenalee wanted to insist and stay. On another, the desire to accept and walk away found birth in some hidden point, a little below her stomach, echoing in her body with a bitter taste, not completely related to the growing pain in her.

"Well, alright then. We talk later?"

Allen agreed with a nod and the smile of always. Leaving the room, Lenalee still heard Miranda muttering something, though her mind didn't care to process the words, and she crossed some steps in the hallway to another room, next door to the one Allen had shown her and the others when they had arrived.

There was no one there. The bed was a thick skeleton with remains of wood, of the headboard that could be barely identified. The mattress, or whatever there was left of it, bled the insides. Her uniform had been laid over it in the manner of an improvised sheet. A metallic groan was heard when she sat down, eyes on the floor without seeing anything.

She had wanted to insist, to stay with Allen, but suddenly she had been uncomfortable, taken by a suffocating sensation. There might have been insistence even so if it wasn't for Samuel Kallen… Not that she had anything against him, far from it, but it would have been an opportunity to try talking to Allen alone otherwise, something she still felt the need to do… The words she would say failed her when she tried to think about it, leaving behind just the wish.

Her mind took slow steps back to the night when he had left, the moments before he left, the last words exchanged between them and it ran through those four months without any communication, then the news that he was okay and their reunion…

Reunion. The term barely fit what had truly happened.

She had imagined how it would be to see him again, several times, mind conjuring scenarios that went from positive to negative and all shades in between. The idea that she might have to fight him someday haunted her frequently, to the point her imagination almost made a memory out of it, which worsened gradually until the scenario was of Allen joining the Noahs by his own will. On such occasions, she pushed the thought away and even rebuked herself for allowing it: Allen would never do such a terrible thing!

Never, never, never.

But unwanted thoughts are wild dogs, that can't be contained for long, especially in the late hours of the night when sleep escapes us.

Her hands rested on her lap, unfeeling to the gauzes in one of her arms, flesh uneasy under the skin, nerves still frozen in waves of pain. To see Allen again should have been different, they should have hugged and be able to express happiness with none of the reservations they had felt.

It should have been…

"We abandoned him, Lenalee." Miranda's voice came to her mind.

When she had heard about Apocryphos, her first reaction had been to think about a way to use that information so everything could be explained, so Allen could come back and they would remain together and would be a "family" again and…

She was happy they had been able to rescue Lavi and Bookman, no one would ever be able to say otherwise, the relief she had felt to know they were alive had run through her soul and washed away months of worry… Only that… Only that now that this was over and done…

A cold thing touched her wrist.

She blinked, only now realizing the tears coming down her face. Lenalee had once heard someone say that tears were like blood from a wound that wasn't physical or something along those lines and couldn't deny this went well what her current feelings: A wound in the soul couldn't be treated with pills or bandages.

Her wrists closed as she held back a sob in the back of her throat. Everything seemed the same and however, it was different and she wasn't sure of how to act in this situation or what to do to make things go back to how they were supposed to be. Even if she had been able to stay alone with Allen for a couple of minutes, Lenalee still didn't know what she would have said.

Of course, it was good to know he hadn't been completely alone in those months, even if… Well, even if one of the people who had been at his side was a Noah. What truly should matter was that he hadn't faced those months on his own, that he hadn't been consumed by the Fourteenth Noah, that he was fine and…

"Why can't I stop feeling like this?"

"Hey, you alright?"

Blinking to clear her vision, getting rid of some small tears that were gathering on her eyes and lifting her head, Lenalee saw the girl of dark gray hair, Alison Rouwen, who studied her with a slight frown.

"Are you hurting? Did some wound open?" Alison asked. Maybe it was her legs? Perhaps the girl needed a stronger painkiller or…

"Damn, if at least we could go to a hospital…"

"N-No… That's not it…" Lenalee quickly cleaned her face with the back of her hand.

"What happened?" The question was gentle, the other's voice hoarser than usual. There was a choker of gauze on her neck, layers repeating themselves around her arms. Sheryl's lines had made a nest in the exact point between epidermis and flesh. By pulling as he had done, the Noah's intention had been to skin her alive as one would to a rabbit.

"It's just… I…" Lenalee shook her head, hair following the movement in a dark wave. Her eyes still prickled a little, the tears wanting to come. "Everything is too different…"

Alison blinked and her frown deepened, not fully understanding what the girl was going on about and deciding it was better to not say anything and let her continue.

"I didn't think that when we met Allen again… That it would be like this." It hadn't crossed her mind to open herself with any of those people who she didn't know at all, but there are moments when one needs to cast the feelings out in the shape of words and it becomes easier when there is someone who seems willing to listen. "It shouldn't be this way. I…"

She took a deep breath before going on, her shoulders down as if she was carrying a weight.

"I spoke to him right before he… He left the Order… And I spent a long time thinking when and how I would see him again."

It was easier to go on if she kept looking at the floor and let the words open way by themselves.

"I was happy to know he is alright, that we could meet and I wouldn't have to fight him! After all those times we helped each other, I wouldn't have been able to stand it if something had happened!" There was no lie here, but somehow what she had seen moments ago… Allen, Kallen and the blonde woman talking like that, sharing what felt almost like an inner joke... This was what there had existed between them, but Lenalee couldn't find it again, no matter how much she searched or what she thought to say to help to bring it back.

"It wasn't how I thought… It wasn't how it was supposed to be. It wasn't as if he had come back from a long mission or when he appeared in Edo…" That had been how reunions between great friends were supposed to be, no matter what, hadn't it? But this hadn't been like that. In Edo, that had been a true reencounter, they were still a team, still a family…

"And… And when I try to hold on the way things were, it escapes. I… I just wish we could go back to those days, that we could explain things to the Order so everything would be fixed! Allen says he forgives us and, well, of course, he does, it's Allen, but then… Then…"

"Then why can't things go back to the way they were before?" She heard Alison asking softly and nodded, her fingernails against the palms of her hands. The days from before everything danced in her mind along with the present, mocking her.

"I know it was wrong, but… If Levelier had not… If at least the Order understood… That's why I thought we should tell about Apocryphos. Perhaps with time, people would understand and… I wanted to believe we could fix this. Then we would be a family again." When she had seen him laughing with those two and commenting about that Lauren girl… Lenalee had seen in those words and gestures what she wanted to have back and that now felt out of her reach. She hugged herself, in an attempt to feel warm.

"Why can't it be like before? I just want to get what we had back, this… This isn't wrong! I just wanted him to come back…"

"Lenalee…" Alison called her gently when the other slowly fell into silence. "Do you know something?"

The girl didn't move to answer. There was no need to give any sign that she was listening.

"You get on my nerves."

Her words were whispered and enough to raise Lenalee's head as Sheryl's lines would have done.

What?

"Very touching all that. No, really, it is." Alison's tone remained a whisper even with the sarcasm growing, her expression one of false tenderness that didn't reach her eyes. Lenalee was about to reply when the other continued, waving her hand dismissively. "And, like all those sweet little words you've spit until now, they are completely useless."

With a sigh, Alison crossed her arms, the movement hardened due to her bandages and the wounds underneath. Lenalee stared at her in shock. Rouwen had kept a sort of personal space until now, not going out of her way to be extra pleasant, but she had been polite enough. This behavior caught Lenalee off guard.

"It is so easier like this, is it not?" A sweet venom found its way to Alison's words as she smiled. "When you cry, everyone else thinks they no longer have the right to reprimand you. After all, you're already blaming yourself and suffering and oh, you just made a mistake, you poor thing, no need to make a big deal out of it, even when it is a big deal."

"No! I don't… What are you even…" The surprise before the other woman's words held Lenalee for a moment. An impulse to stand came to her, halting when the muscles of her legs protested.

Alison stared at her before sighing, almost tiredly.

"Lenalee… Tell me. What do you truly want?"

"I told you, I…"

"Forgiveness? Yes, I've got that part. But why? You said he did forgive you." Not that Lenalee, or any of those people, had done anything to deserve it as far as Alison was concerned. Out of respect for Allen, she had kept her opinions to herself and wasn't surprised that he seemed willing to forgive them, after all, like Lenalee had said, it was Allen. It didn't mean she agreed. "But what, do you think because of this, it follows that things should go back to how they were? That everything can and should be forgotten as if it had never happened?"

The woman shook her head, almost more to herself than to Lenalee. Lilac and green kept tied to each other, both holding opposite emotions.

"Then what you want isn't forgiveness. It's oblivion. You just want to be able to forget what you did."

"I know it was wrong! I just…"

Alison didn't let her carry on.

"Me, me, me. I, I, I. Can you only talk about how you feel?" She rolled her eyes. "You want to talk about feelings? How about talking about how Allen must have felt?"

"I told you, I know I should have done something, I…" Lenalee shook her head, a few tears escaping against her will. "I was worried about him all this time. You have no idea how scared I was that he might have been captured by the Noahs or worse! Even Allen said he understand we couldn't have done anything…"

"So what?" Alison interrupted, the words slipping between clenched teeth. "Just because he is kind, just because he is someone who prefers to forgive, even though he has the right not to, and who understands you, well, this doesn't mean he wasn't hurt. And it doesn't make what you did any less serious."

Alison sighed.

"But, fine okay. You know you messed up. What do you plan to do to redeem yourself? To actually deserve forgiveness? Are you going to change yourself? Watch it, so you don't repeat your mistake or hurt him again?" The older woman scoffed a humorless laugh, shaking her head. All her previous decisions of not getting involved forsaken in favor of her own feelings for that particular matter. "It so happens, Lenalee Lee, that you only want his "forgiveness" and for him to go back because what happened, and the consequences, don't fit in your cute little vision of the world where everything is black and white and you're in the extreme specter of the white, like some story about heroes."

"No, it isn't at all like that!" Lenalee protested with a growl, leaning at the other's direction, hands closed in fists as her side, her voice pulsating. "And you don't know anything about me, you have no right to stand there and talk like…"

"I know you enough just by listening to you." The reply cut the air, though it remained a conversational whispering, the seed of mocking having been replaced moments ago and the green of her eyes grew colder.

"You're the sort of person who keeps vowing to herself that you'll be stronger, that you'll give others the same support they give you… And you never act upon it, never leave your zone of comfort or have the guts to go beyond this bell jar you created for yourself." Alison groaned, stopping for a moment to take a deep breath, lifting her head as she kept studying the other. "It would be understandable if you were younger, a way to deal with things, a coping mechanism or whatever, but it is way past the time you open your eyes. Honestly, grow up."

"Shut up. You can afford to say those things, you weren't there!" Lenalee snapped, her own anger growing. "It's easier for you to judge, but who do you think you are? You don't even know me!"

"Don't tell me you think you're the only one that was taken away from home and tossed into a war without a care for what you wanted of life?" Alison hissed between clenched teeth, not impressed by the girl's reaction. "The only one who suffers nightmares and barely knows how to live unless it is doing what the Order trained you to do? This should work for you to see that nothing in life is simple black and white."

In the last sentence, Alison frowned as if trying to understand Lenalee's line of thought. It was a brief glimpse, soon vanishing. The memory of Suman Dark crossed Lenalee's brain, aware that Alison would have used him as an example if she could, without any real need. The Order had forced him, asked for his services until his death in exchange for medical care for his daughter while not allowing him to see her again.

A shadow of a smile broke apart Alison's face, so light it could have been a dream of thought. There was no change in her gaze.

"Oh, wait, you've never questioned the Order, have you? Not really. Even what they did to you or others. So, tell me, do you tend to find whatever justification you can or you try to not think about it altogether?"

"What I think about the Order has nothing to do what the situation, this is about Allen! Don't mix it, it's not the same thing!"

"Of course it is!" Alison snapped, holding herself to not scream before controlling herself again. "When he had to leave, it broke your glass jar. Because if he is your friend and the Order is against him, the line between "you" and "them", "right" and "wrong" is no longer as clear as you believed it to be. So, you can't ignore things so easily. The world you created for yourself is now lacking a piece and you don't have your old comfort anymore, you can't be sure you're right, that you're a hero, that the Order is good. And that's what you can't stand."

"You don't know anything about us! You can't judge me when you weren't even there. What do you really know? Nothing about how… How I feel about him! Or how I felt when he left!"

"Oh, is that so? Alright. What were your last words to him? You said you saw him right before he left." Surprisingly, Alison seemed genuinely interested. "Well, did you wish him good luck? That he stayed strong? Some promise that you wouldn't fight him, no matter what?"

Lenalee didn't answer.

Alison blinked.

"Oh, I don't believe it…"

"I… I asked him to stay…"

Before Lenalee could say anything else, trying to explain why she had done so, the green-eyed girl scoffed a dry laugh, the previous interest gone. Whatever Lenalee had to say, didn't matter. For Alison, this had crossed the line.

"Your last words to him were a pathetic plea for him to stay? Right after the Order classified him as a Noah?" She asked, not bothering to hide her despise. Her jaw shivered for a moment as she whispered. "He was the one leaving, he was the one who would be hunted down and he had to comfort you?" She scoffed. "You really can only think about your own feelings, can't you?"

"Did you actually think that if he went back with you, things would be alright? You didn't want to fight, but who said you had to? The Order would sure, but you would have to obey? Okay, then. This just means that you didn't care if he rotted away in that fucking cell as long as things remained the way you wanted. He is not a friend, Lenalee, he is just another brick you used to build your world."

"How dare you?" The fire that had been ignited inside her oscillated for a moment in favor of hurt. "I would never prefer to see Allen like that, I would never think of any of my friends in such a demeaning way, I…"

"Oh, yeah, you've certainly shown how much you care by sitting there feeling bad about everything and doing nothing. I would even be able to ignore it if it was because of your brother…" Alison carried on, her eyes rolling to the ceiling as if finding an interesting bug there to follow. "Torn between loyalty to Allen or your brother, understandable. But it wasn't. Considering your actions, your words… Your entire world starts and ends in yourself."

Her eyes went back to Lenalee, studying the girl up and down, with a complete lack of interest.

"You can't hurt a friend, or anyone for that matter, and then expect things to be fine just because you're all "oh, I'm sorry, boo-hoo-hoo". You might be forgiven, but it doesn't fix anything. You're remorseful? What good is that if nothing changes? Especially when you don't change?" Alison shrugged briefly, turning around. "If things went back to how they were, you wouldn't have to think about it or deal with the consequences… You don't want those days to come back because you're sorry or because of Allen. It's just for your own sake."

The woman stopped at the door for a second, turning her face to Lenalee for the last time, ignoring how the other looked at her with a mix of anger and hurt. She didn't care.

"Those days? They won't come back. Because you guys have made sure of that yourselves. If you ask me… At least the Noahs are honest about their nature."

It seemed that Lenalee would reply, but Alison had no interest whatsoever in what she had to say and closed the door behind her. She very much doubted that girl would follow her in the state her legs were and even if she did, it didn't matter at all. If she tried to bring the subject up later, it was all the same. Alison had no intention of hearing her.

She had heard enough.

"And once again, Alison Rouwen uses her tongue like a whip."

The girl turned to the sound of the tired voice. Lauren was there, her back leaning on the wall near to the door with her arms crossed over her chest. Her posture would be considered of relaxation if it wasn't for her eyes.

Alison didn't reply.

Lauren sighed, looking at the ceiling for a second before at the girl again. That way how Alison at times used words wasn't a surprise, but even so…

"Don't you think you were far too harsh with her?"

"There is nothing wrong with missing the past. The problem is that she is only doing so because she wants to run away, not because of friendship or anything of this sort." Alison groaned categorically, not feeling up to speak more about it. Her throat was starting to hurt and her nerves were waking to pain again.

At the same time, she knew Lauren was someone you just couldn't ignore, even if you tried.

The mocha-skinned girl shook her head, disturbance marking her entire being.

"Ali…" She whispered almost with sadness. "You went too far."

When Alison didn't react, she sighed.

"Did you know her? From before?"

"No."

"Then why do you hate her so much?"

The silence that followed had a different nature than the one that had been left in the room with Lenalee and the green eyes strayed to the side for a moment, before she turned her back to Lauren. Once she spoke again, her voice carried the exhaustion of many sleepless nights along with something else, whose origins were buried deep in her nerves.

"She reminds me too much of myself when I was in the Order…"

Alison looked over her shoulder to Lauren.

"What I don't want is for her to end up crying for the same reasons I did."

With that, she entered another room and closed the door. Lauren said nothing else nor made any move to follow the other, fully aware of what Alison meant. She could not say she agreed with what she had just said to Lenalee, but at least she comprehended now.

Irene.

Lauren sighed, feeling the known weight coming back to her organs. No…

There was nothing wrong with missing days or elements of the past.

They would all be hypocrites if they said otherwise.

XxX

Sitting near the window of a bare room, Alison's gaze crossed the glass and got lost in the woods, not truly seeing anything. Trees stood and their branches intercrossed in webs and those undressed of leaves were old bones.

To hear Lenalee speaking had truly reminded her of herself, how she had been a lifetime ago. And Irene…

Irene…

No. It wasn't that Lenalee had made her think of Irene. Alison couldn't stop thinking about her every day. Every second.

And every second, she missed her.

Irene.

They had lived in a small city in Europe.

One of those small locals you find easily anywhere. A city that could be ignored in the map without an issue.

Their father was an artisan.

The city could someday grow and become something more or then be devoured by time and not even leave a scar of a name, a proof of existence.

Their mother helped in a small hotel. It wasn't that the city could be truly considered a tourist point, but when someone came by train or had to catch a ship, it wasn't uncommon that they would need a place to stay.

There were hills near the city.

Irene liked it.

Green hills, green that went until where the eyes could see.

It had been more than eight years ago.

That if you counted it in a calendar. Everything could have happened in another life.

The hills.

The sea.

And Irene…

Irene

Used to enjoy going to the fields a little beyond the city. Going up a small hill, it was possible to see the trails of the train cutting the green as a small dark serpent and, beyond, the sea covered the horizon and reflected the sun with the image of a blue mantle, jeweled with drops of gold.

"C'mon, Aliss!" She calls with laughs, like when they were children and runs some steps more before taking a seat in her favorite spot, right under a huge oak. One of the few trees of that point and in whose branches they had played several times when they were younger.

Both love this particular spot of the hill exactly due to the lack of other trees around and the view. When small, their parents used to bring them here frequently and Alison and Irene, with childish innocence, had come to regard the place as something mystical and special, almost as secret belonging to them alone.

Years that bring maturity had made it clear it was a merely sentimental association. It no secret, nor a place reserved for them, but something in their interior remained regarding it with the care that survives growth. Perhaps it was more connected to the animal self than the place as a physical point.

"Easy, girl." Alison replies while Irene places a small tablecloth down with stones in the corners so it won't fly away. Alison knees down at her side and takes food out of a small basket. It's Friday, classes are over and vacation is at the beginning.

"Do you think you'll be in the same class as Benjamin next year?" Irene inquires with a wink, that Alison ignores with a roll of her eyes as if she is still young enough to despise the idea of barely having a friendship with a boy, let alone interest. But Alison is aware she will never say anything to Benjamin.

Everywhere has its social hierarchy and in few places you'll find the human necessity to form one (not for need of order but for the need to have a division between superior and inferior ones) than in a school, in the twins' opinion. Alison and Irene are not in the lowest cast, but Alison knows she can't dream about anything alike a relationship with Benjamin either.

The Rouwen twins are not repulsive but are not attractive either (not enough to allow them to call attention at school). They aren't poor, but are not rich (not that they care). They have their group of friends and it's enough for them. They are people who can't approach the bright circle of laughs of the popular students, however, the fact they are left alone by bullies is good enough.

Therefore, whatever feeling Alison may have for Benjamin will only work to break the protection they have, attracting attention and pushing them down from their position, inciting comments and mockery. Aware that's how things would go, Alison simply accepts and will rather like Benjamin from afar. It's easier to admire someone who doesn't remember your name even after two years studying together than someone who remembers who you are just to avoid the gaze with despise or (worse) join those who will point and laugh.

It's Irene's time to roll her eyes. Alison may hide everything even from their parents, but Irene is far too much a part of her.

"I am you. You are me." They used to say when children, sitting in front of each other and imitating movements in such a precise way that one would think those were previously combined gestures.

They are not.

"It would be better if you at least tried." Irene mutters while running her hand through her identical grey hair. Her voice has no exasperation or tiredness, she is merely pointing out her opinion. "Honestly, what will he do, Aliss? Kill you?"

Alison prefers to change the subject. Benjamin may be the gentlest person of the classroom, owner of soft voice and suave glances, but this doesn't change the fact he is a person belonging to the firm circle of light, praised and who gets attention no matter where he goes. Even if he doesn't mock her should she say something, others will.

Irene is the only one who knows of her interest in the boy and also knows until what point her incentive is welcome and the line that separates it from becoming invasive.

"What do you think we could do during this vacation? I'm not sure I want to work for Mrs. Honsem…" Mrs. Honsem. Boss of the hotel where their mother works and who at times employs extra help during vacation time for part-time. Irene doesn't feel like keep doing it for much longer, she feels there will come a time in life when a solidification of sorts happens… All she knows is that she doesn't want to spend her life working in a hotel. She can't think about it as the profession she desires.

She doesn't have an actual idea of how she wants her life to truly be either and the thought has come to her mind (and her sister's mind) with more intensity in the last months.

Alison turns her eyes to the branches of the oak, twisted in a web above their heads. She understands her sister's feelings almost as if they were her own until a certain point. Irene is the one who looks to the horizon and wonders what lies beyond the field crossed by the gray line of the train. She is the one that looks to the sea and dares to throw herself to it. Alison still remains with her feet in the grass and merely gazes at the waters with hesitation before her sister offers her hand with words of security.

"I don't know. It isn't as if we had much more to do in town." A reality they thought more about when they were children, before getting used to it. Alison is not a fool and knows the world is not limited to a small town in the middle of nowhere such as this… The thought about this place is as comforting as bothersome, for reasons she can't convey into words.

Her eyes escape between the branches to find the sky. An idea crosses her mind to her mouth.

"Perhaps we could travel."

Irene's back become straight. Shoulders turn into stone. A cat ready to jump and intense light is born in her being.

"Do you really think so? Without mom and dad?" She adds with a hopeful tone. Something in this way of her speaking always seems to make Irene shine with an inner fire.

"I think you're asking for waaay too much now." It would be a bit hard to convince Josef and Hila Rouwen to allow them to travel by themselves, even if they were to stay merely a week in a neighbor town.

A low chuckle joins Irene's and cuts the conversation, a restrained and polite sound that seems to back off after touching them. Both turn and realize the presence of a man nearby. He doesn't look like anyone they know. He raises his hand when green eyes land on him.

"My apologies. I didn't mean to intrude." None of them react immediately. The man is dressed in a black coat and carries a book in his other hand. The white hair falls framing his face in curtains and he has a shadow of a mustache.

"Ha… Good afternoon." Alison greets him out of education as Irene waves in a brief way.

"Good afternoon." The man replies. His eyes are black and deep, the lines marking his face have gentleness. "I didn't know this place was taken, my apologies. I didn't mean to bother you." Both see it's true. The man had just been coming up the hill and met them by mere chance.

"You're not from here, are you, sir?" Irene asks, soon adding. "I don't mean to pry, I mean…" The reason behind the question is clear. Small town. The man denies with his head and explains he is merely staying in town for some days.

With the cautious manners of who is before a stranger, slowly a conversation starts. The man is Kevin Yeegar, he arrived in town two days ago and came up here yesterday to read.

"I liked the place and thought about coming back today." He explains, showing a book that neither of the girls knows.

"It's a good book?"

"Quite good." He offers it to them and Irene picks with care, taking a look at the summary on the back to have an idea of the subject.

The twins end up inviting the man to sit down with them. He thanks the invitation and complies with firm movements for his apparent age and even after coming up the hill, he doesn't appear to have broken a drop of sweat or to be out of breath.

During the conversation, none of the girls has the means to know the real reason for the man to be in town.

Yeegar meets them again in the following days. He is an interesting man and both girls appreciate his intelligence, the things he knows and shares with them. Only later, recalling the conversations, they would realize some signs.

They don't become friends right away, but they don't feel any surprise when Yeegar tells he has been a teacher a long time ago (Irene later comments to Alison that she would rather have Yeegar as their teacher at school and her twin can't deny it), although both feel something amiss in the way he mentions his old career.

So it was natural for them to start calling him Professor. Yeegar never gave signs of being bothered by it, smiling when Irene calls him such for the first time.

As the two politely refuse the offer of Mrs. Honsem to work a little during their vacation (the mother inquires why, but neither of them could find the exact terms to explain, it's something that only gains more substance when they exchange glances and how can you put something like this into words?), they go out with Yeegar and show him around town. It's almost a trade: They present him the town, Yeegar presents them (through his tales) the outside world and Alison soon notices something in Irene's eyes at the same time something wakes in her blood.

Then, perhaps for the first time, the idea of what lies beyond the sea and train rails finds birth in her in a conscious form. Alison doesn't know and doesn't bother with analyzing it. Certain things need only to be felt and nor her, nor her sister is out of the phase when the body goes through inner storms as if everything that exists under the skin is moving and searching the right position, trying to place itself, trying to…

Trying to what?

In a way or another, it doesn't last long.

A week after they met. Night is coming. Their mother's shift is ending earlier today, so Irene and Alison decide to go to the hotel along with Yeegar, so they can go home with her. Their mother has already met Yeegar after hearing the daughters telling about him and went to meet him, who presented himself with all politeness. Hila Rouwen is distrustful by nature but has an instinct about people. She expressed this distrust upon learning of this friendship between an older man and her girls (who could be his granddaughters), but he has nothing of perverted or sick or any trait that causes the maternal alarms to scream in her mind… And when her daughters invited him to dinner two days ago, their parents seemed to like him in the end.

Even so, Hila left them with a warning that they shouldn't go to isolated places with him anyway.

The ending of the afternoon drops shades of gold over the streets with care and they quickly become bluish while the air around holds the warmth. Yeegar tells them about the cultures of other people and old myths they have never heard before, transporting them to other ages through his soft voice.

Irene comments something about a character of a myth, the human desire of flying even with wax-made wings and Yeegar chuckles. It's really almost as if they were in some particular class and the three find a strange comfort in this thought. Like the hill and the oak, there is something special when they talk like this, something belonging only to them.

The destruction of this peace is a few steps away.

WOW! 90 Followers? -Throws confetti- THAT'S SO GREAT! And... I hope no one will want to skin me alive for Alison's little speech. As Lauren said, she can take things too far...

Allen (eating cake): Thanks everyone who enjoys this story.

Ana: And special thanks to SeventhStar23, jy24, Ryukialover and everyone who sent thoughtful reviews! You guys are the very reason I keep updating this!

Wisely: That's true, lack of feedback always means lack of motivation for humans.

Ana: And you non-reviewers should learn from them!

Kanda: Have you ever thought that if you stopped being a pain, you could get more reviewers?

Ana: We're trying to have a party here, you know?

SeventhStar23: Well... I'm caught up with college, but with July coming near, perhaps I'll have the time, then.

Reever: Actually... That's a scary thought.

Raz: Why?

Miranda: Uh... You never saw Komui, right? And neither how "protective" he is of Lenalee. So believe me, yes, scary thought.

Ana: I think it would be hilarious! Couples will start to develop slowly, since they are all in a war, but I LOVE to see people starting to ship the characters!

Alison: You tell me, I'm all sore...

Sheryl: I just hope next time we'll have more time to play.

Ana: I see where Road took her notion of play from... Though... She is actually from a previous generation, so maybe she was the one who influenced Sheryl?

Tyki: More likely they get along fine due to similar notions and stuff like that.

Ana: Yep! Hm, probably it was the "Noah recognition" instinct working. And yes, Tyki didn't like that very much. Now... If there was more to it or if he was just teasing... Who knows?

Lauren: You won't have to wait for long, since Alison went down Memory Lane now. Calling her "Exorcist" is the fastest way to REALLY piss her off.

Sheryl: No, I'll not. Like I said, perhaps I should teach this young lady how to properly behave with superior beings.

Alison: I don't know where you get such delusions.

Sheryl: Why, you little...

Ana: Could you leave the bloodbath for when you meet again? Please? Thanks. And... You're right. They aren't happy about it at all... As for how they will recover... Time will tell.

jy24: The control of the Ark (well, anything related to that thing) is really mysterious, but it involves a connection with the "player". It's more than just a "machine".

Neah: Allen managed to control it as he did in the beginning, with the portals and all, because I became more conscious inside him. To manipulate it as he did now... It is because I'm growing stronger.

Ana: Allen has become more open-minded regarding the Noah with his questioning about this war. But he really doesn't want to accept anything of him being Noah due to fear this will make easier for Neah to erase him.

Allen: Look, I'm not a Noah. Carrying Neah inside me is not the same as becoming a Noah! And I have Innocence, so that alone means I couldn't ever turn into one. And hey, even the Clan admitted my case is different. I just want to be myself and I can't just let a spirit or whatever he is possess me. I don't even know what would happen to me, I probably would die or enter a coma state or...

Ana: Alright, alright, take a breath before you pass out, boy! Geez...

Lauren: But many people want Allen to become a Noah, rather than be possessed.

Ana: After what the Order did, what did you expect?