Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man in any way, all credit goes to Katsura Hoshino.
Summary: Forced to leave the Order, Allen comes across a secret hidden in the depths of the Ark. Now, hunted by the Noah Clan and considered an enemy by the place he once called home, he has to search for the truth... The truth about Mana, Neah and himself. Where he came from and who he really is. Uncovering a web of illusions and doubts, Allen still moves forward as he promised to do... But what do you do in a war, when you feel like you don't belong to any side?
"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." – Harriet Beecher Stowe.
Act Twenty-Five – The Wounds that Never Heal
When they enter the hotel, there is only silence to be found. In itself, this isn't so much cause for surprise despite all odds, since this isn't a big place for starters. The few tenants could be either out or in their rooms and most of the staff would be changing turns or in the kitchens.
The light from the lamps made their shadows shiver on the floor.
"Mom must be upstairs." Alison suggests to her twin as she glances around. The cushion of the sofas is straight, not a mark on them. The reception desk has nothing beyond the telephone and a lamp. The book of registers is opened at a random page.
Nothing is out of place.
"Or maybe she is talking to Honsem…" Irene completes, more out of a sudden urge from her vocal cords to work in reaction to the silence that now pierces them. Her voice does sound lower than what's usual or needed.
Yeegar's eyes gain a sharp edge as they run across the area around. None of the girls understand why he seems to be in search of something… Something that should be there and yet isn't. And whatever is still here… Perhaps shouldn't be found.
Irene and Alison exchange looks. And all that needs to be said at this moment is said in this act.
"We're scared." Alison thinks, the rational mind confused by the animal instinct. "A lot. More than when dad was run over. But afraid of what? What is wrong?" It isn't the first time they enter the hotel and meet no one at first, so this can't be the reason.
What is happening?
"Everything." Irene's eyes answer. "I don't know, Aliss, but everything here is just wrong."
Yeegar still turns to them, indicating the door in a signal that it would be better if they left. Both shake their heads in denial, even if they would like to do just that, even if they want to leave a place that bears a sensation of such… Such unnaturalness.
But they can't.
The man cast them a grave stare, but both insist on their refusal. What if their mother is still here? There is something here and they can't just turn their back on it. They don't even know if they would be able to…
Yeegar sighs in silence and makes a gesture for them to be alert and stay behind him as he goes for the stairs, taking every step with caution for noises. The silence is heavy around them.
The man changes with every step. The appearance remains the very same, but underneath his skin, the muscles become rigid and there is a new firmness in his movements. With a gleam neither of the girls has ever seen in his eyes, he appears bigger somehow.
Alison shivers, looking around almost without control as she feels the presence of something, not unlikely one who knows he is being watched and she can almost be sure there is a sort of smell in the air that has nothing to do with the place. And if she ever manages to think about it later free of the knowledge she will acquire, it will be the instinct that will understand this is the smell of insanity.
The rational mind will run away from it.
Wait…
That's it.
The air is wrong. The smell in the air is wrong.
Upon arriving in the hallway, shock and fear are what close the girls' throat and nerves. At Alison's side, Irene leans on the wall to not fall, hand covering her mouth that has no strength to scream.
The hallway is painted in blood.
The walls are red and stained with something gray that looks too much like human shadows that somehow were burned into the surface. Alison steps back, mind threatening to close so it doesn't have to bear the details of the scene, the sound of the blood slithering down the wall, the bright color…
Something comes from the side.
Irene's scream is a plea for insanity so she doesn't have to deal with any of this.
Alison's own mind enters a mist-like trance of one who has spent too many nights awake and has no strength for thoughts. And the last thing she feels is a relief for it.
The thing at the end of the hallway turns the protuberance full of eyes towards them. The mouth opens in a cacophony of quick screams as the blood slithers down. It has no teeth, but small sharp things wave in movements of worms. Pieces of meat that still have human form fall in the wet flood, blackening and becoming dust.
"EXORCIIIIST! EXOOORCISSST!" It sings loudly, causing Alison to cover her ears against the sound that pierces her eardrums to scratch the nerves.
"Get out of here! Run!" Yeegar orders them, without looking back. A sound from behind, but Alison doesn't turn, doesn't move, doesn't think, not until Irene suddenly grabs her hand and pulls her along to another hallway, as the stairs are blocked by another creature.
The first being jumps against Yeegar. The second cries out something about Innocences.
And nothing of it makes sense.
Irene runs with Alison through hallways, both hearing a series of movements behind them, indicating they are being followed. Hallways and hallways, some containing black corpses, some washed in blood and Irene enters a random room, pushing her sister through the door.
"Aliss?" Irene whispers after closing the door and placing her ear against the wood, hearing when the creature passes by.
Alison says nothing. There is no movement either. Her eyes are still burned by the image of the creature and there are shivers in the nerves under the skin.
"Aliss!" She insists. Nothing.
A sound of whip cuts the air.
Irene breathes in, hand still as Alison's face grows red quickly from the slap.
None of them has ever hit the other. Even during their worst fights, they have never reached such a point. Alison blinks, turning her face to her twin, who sighs upon noticing a little lucidness coming back to her eyes.
"Listen, Aliss," Irene whispers, grabbing her shoulders, nails against flesh. "Don't do this. I need you here. We're seriously screwed…" She looks back to the door and frowns, indicating the wardrobe with her head. They have no way out, not with the main hallway taken by those monsters. And to leave by the window would mean their deaths.
The creature is coming back.
Pushing some hangers to the side, both enter, their breaths dropping as they fear to make any noise. They don't risk leaving a crack open. Their bodies, as one, try to cease functioning as if even the beating of their hearts could denounce them.
They hear the door opening.
Heavy sounds. Metallic sounds. "Steps" is the closest name for it, though it's not quite right.
Hisses. Is the thing sniffing? Or laughing?
Alison's heart is frozen.
More heavy sounds that have nothing of organic or life to it. They grow weaker as the creature leaves. None of the girls move until there is no more shadow of sound and Irene has to take a deep breath before daring to open the door a little.
The room is empty.
Perhaps the thing was not searching for them, perhaps it couldn't smell them after killing so many people, but in the end, it doesn't matter.
"God…" Alison whispers and it is the first sound she can produce since she has seen those beings. Irene sighs in agreement, still not able to understand and her actions being commanded by the survival instinct.
They exchange glances. What if their mother… No, they can't think about it now.
Irene holds her sister's hand as she nods in a way that says they have to be strong, remain calm and try to leave. This is the priority. Alison nods back, she knows all this, but also needs someone to remind her.
Hoping against hope the stair is empty now, they venture through the hallway. The blood still feels warm and it goes through their shoes. The black corpses stare at them with empty eye sockets.
They reach the stairs. For an instant, it seems everything will be alright…
Before they can react, a creature jumps from somewhere. It drags Irene down. Alison screams, looking around without any idea of what to do. The creature's mouth opens in a laugh or growl. A tongue made of soft protuberances that wave covered by a strange substance falls from the mouth. Irene is struggling and screams when it rubs against her face…
Chains cut the air.
The creature screams as it turns its head (or at least the member where the mouth was). The chains pierce the carcass of metal. Yeegar tells it to leave Irene alone. The being, caught in surprise, jumps and tries to get rid of the attack. Greenish lights come from Yeegar's black coats as living shooting stars, attracted by Irene and Alison.
Two chains follow the attack and pull the creature with a strength no one would have judged possible.
A light runs through the body that, by all laws of physic and nature, shouldn't exist before it disintegrates.
Yeegar destroys the creature at the same time the lights burn the hands of the Rouwen twins, without devouring their skins. When Alison realizes it, there is a bow of white and green flames at her side. Irene has her hands on something alike a fencing sword whose white light reflects in her eyes.
It is Yeegar who manages to make both of them regain their senses and tells them to wait and he goes to finish the remaining creature. He wouldn't ever send them back home alone after those events, so he tells them to sit on the sofa and both comply, the exhaustion finally claiming their ability to feel anything and they embrace the sanctuary from the storm of emotions (none of them pleasant). Meanwhile, he calls someone on the telephone on the reception desk, has a brief conversation and then proceeds to call the police, talking with the inspector once he arrives.
None of the girls pay any attention to any of it, but none of the three are accused of anything (later, the idea would seem ridiculous considering what they could see of the corpses) and Yeegar takes them home.
They have no strength anymore to keep a lucid thought and fear for their mother… If she is dead… If those creatures got to her…
The image of the black corpses, nothing more than ashes that held human form, is vivid in their minds.
It isn't the case, one of the few sources of peace of this night. Hila had left work earlier that day. She is already back home, since she hadn't thought her daughters would go to the hotel with Yeegar. In short, her salvation has been due to pure luck.
This night, the truth is exposed. The existence of akumas, the Order and the Innocences, and the fact that Yeegar has stayed in town because two of the Innocences he carries had started to react weakly since his arrival, indicating the presence of accommodators, who had ended up being Alison and Irene Rouwen. The akumas that have attacked the hotel were probably after him and all the Innocences he carried.
Had they not been part of the events of this night, none of the girls would ever have believed such a story.
Josef Rouwen stares at his daughters firmly, aware that none of them has reason to lie about a story that sounds so much like pure nonsense and leans towards them. Hila has placed covers over their backs upon seeing them, not needing to listen to anything to realize there is something terribly wrong with her daughters. Now, Alison and Irene are drinking some hot chocolate, as they had done in the night Josef had been run over and none of them had been able to sleep with the fear that their father might die.
"Girls?" He calls them with gentleness. Identical green eyes meet his and his heart agonizes upon finding the exhaustion and remains of fear in them, enough to make him wonder if it will ever leave and how deeply it pierced them. "You truly saw all this?"
Alison lowers her gaze. Irene nods in silence. Won't this night ever end?
The weapons that are their so-called Innocences rest on the sofa. Hila has left them there, upon seeing her daughters didn't seem at ease near them. She isn't sure she likes those things herself… The eternal flames that make the shape of a bow and the blade of the sword, even if they don't hurt at the touch, are not something she enjoys. They are as unnatural as the "akumas" Yeegar tells them about.
Yeegar also told them how those weapons are in a "raw" state and need to be processed in order to be properly used.
It is not a detail that particularly interests Hila or her husband.
Wasn't it for the fact their daughters have confirmed the whole ordeal, they wouldn't have believed it, regardless of the evidence in the couch.
Josef stares at Yeegar, all gentleness gone from him as he lifts his face.
"To the devil with all this."
Yeegar can only sigh. He can't say he ever expected another reaction.
"Mr. Rouwen, I do understand your feelings…"
"Forgive me, sir, but I don't believe you do." Hila growls, not caring to hide the savagery in her as her hands rest in her daughter's shoulders, in an instinctual gesture of protectiveness that Yeegar knows to be useless. Josef doesn't look away from the old man, not intimidated by the strength of those dark eyes.
"This can be all true, very well, let's go on from this premise, as insane as it is," His words come between the teeth and he leaves out the detail that he believes it all due to his children. "Since otherwise, we won't be able to advance with this conversation… Be as it is, you're saying that, due to those Innocences, my daughters are supposed to go with you to God-Knows-Where. As if that wasn't enough, they are supposed to join a war against a being who, according to you, has the power to bring souls back from whatever afterlife there is and cage them in skeletons of metal so he can use them as weapons…"
Yeegar doesn't nod or makes any confirmation gesture, aware this will be more damaging than helpful. He has already dealt with similar situations, but it is always hard and he hates it. There is never a simple way to explain such things to anyone, let alone how they have to leave their lives and all they love behind to serve the Black Order against the Millennium Earl.
But he would rather explain things himself and as calmly as possible rather than contact the Order and let the men from the Central take matters in their own hands and tear people away from their homes by force.
"As I said, to the devil with this. I don't care what is happening or who you are, I know my rights and my daughters' rights. I won't stand for this!"
It would have been nice if there is real protection in this, but there isn't. And Yeegar knows it.
"Mr. and Mrs. Rouwen, I truly understand your feelings. You may think otherwise, but I do. But there is really… Nothing to be done. The Innocences chose them." And nothing would change this. Not even death.
"And what does this interest us?!" Hila almost screams, the grip on her daughters' shoulders increasing a little, more out of fright than anything else. She has no care for this whole story, considering the description of those akumas and what happened, there is no way she will ever send her daughters to war, let alone one that involves beings that shouldn't exist.
Josef would force Yeegar out from his home at that moment, but it is Irene's intervention that stops the fight from growing.
"Can we… Can we discuss this later?"
"Irene!" Hila exclaims almost as if reprimanding her daughter for saying something improper at the dinner table. Alison remains in silence, closed in herself.
"We're tired, mom… Professor Yeegar… He can't go back to the hotel… Can we just, just go to sleep and talk about this in the morning? Please?" None of the parents like this very much, but this night they won't be able to deny anything the twins ask for. And what there is to be found in Alison and Irene's eyes is enough to calm their anger and fear. Although disliking it, Hila allows the man to stay for the night. Yeegar contents himself with sleeping on the couch, thanking for it. There was no lie, he knows what those parents are feeling, but can't do anything about it…
Alison says nothing that night, the only thing her being is able to do is to wish to wash herself over and over until the smell of blood is no long impregnated in her skin, even if she didn't get dirty at the hotel.
But the air from there has followed her and her sister.
The days that follow are just a long tense line. Hila and Josef give the necessary space to their daughters and understand the gravity of the situation while discussing with Yeegar in particular. Though the instructions of the Order are clear in those matters (they must inform at once when they find new accommodators), the General prefers to deal with it by himself than to leave it to the Central and doesn't pressure the twins or their parents, merely making sure they understand the case and can better accept it.
On her turn, Irene is torn apart. She is not a child and comprehends what all of this means and how they can't just pretend that nothing has happened when the Innocences have already made a connection with them… Nor is she selfish enough to ignore the fact she can help people, somehow. At times, she holds her sword and observes it, thinking about it.
Alison can't bear to even look at the bow that is hidden in their room. Even when Irene attempts to talk about it, she just refuses to cooperate, not wanting to hear a word of it.
In three days, there is no progress in the matter.
Until the fourth day.
It was stupidity to ignore how the akumas destroyed by Yeegar can't be the only ones or that others wouldn't be sent after him and the new accommodators. When Josef is visited by a young man who usually buys in his shop, he doesn't see anything wrong.
Not until the human arm becomes a blade, piercing his body and leaving him in the ground as his organs collapse. A useless doll bleeding while his flesh grows darker. Still, Josef cries out.
"RUN!" The sound dies in the middle of the word as his face freezes, mouth open, eyes taken by pain. Then, the body becomes a black mass, shattering at the sound of the akuma's laugh.
Yeegar takes on a fighting pose as Hila and the girls run upstairs. A rain of glass falls over Irene when another akuma enters through the window, attacking her. Hila picks a vase and throws it against the creature whose arms are several blades and throws herself against it to push it away from her daughter.
The akuma grabs Hila with boneless arms, wrapping her. Hila screams. The snakes covered by thorns press the flesh, press the bones…
Alison cries out, but there is nothing to be done, no way of attacking and the shock immobilizes her and her sister…
Hila looks at her children, blood escaping from her mouth.
With shivering lips, she still tries to force a smile despite how her organs and bones are too close together and she can't breathe.
"Go… I love you…"
The smile wakes them up. Makes them turn around, just thinking that the Innocences are the only way of fighting, of doing something.
Behind them, the sound of bones cracking follows. They hear the blood gushing out of their mother's body.
It was louder than her scream.
The three manage to escape the house, Yeegar destroying the third akuma that corners Irene and Alison in their room. Both try to fight, but the weapons have strength far greater than what humans can bear in that state and they barely can defend themselves.
After this day, they decide to go with Yeegar. Not moved by revenge and neither by pain, which isolates them from everything around… It is just a notion of not having anything anymore. What matters if they remain in the city or not? Somehow, the akumas have not only killed their parents, but their lives… The city is no longer home, even if there are people who would take them in.
In the end, it doesn't make much of a difference anymore for them.
So, the great change that happens in their lives upon entering the Black Order doesn't touch them so much at first, closed as they are in a particular cocoon of pain in which they only allow the entrance of each other.
Being the one who found them, Yeegar becomes their General.
The trip to the Order is long and spent between stages that are only made of sleeping, eating and remaining awake, without being a part of the world that surrounds them and the memory of those days is often taken by mist and blurred.
They reach the Headquarters at least, Yeegar at their side all the time. Alison still can remember the inspection by Hevlaska and the first night spent in the black building. What she remembers the most is how nothing of this seemed to matter, nothing fazed or interested her or her sister…
They don't stay there for long, for Yeegar decides to take them along in his travels, taking time to train and teach them. It is more than preparation for battles, more than training for when they need to go in missions by themselves as he still teaches them about the same things he did back when he first met them, trying to make use of subjects that may call upon their attention and teaching also about the world they're trying to save and protect.
It is with calm patience that Yeegar opens his way to them again, between the memories of what happened and the pain, taking time to hold their hands and bring them back to the present and to life. It is clear how he enjoys still being their "teacher" and also now a sort of guardian, so he gives them what they need the most: Time and space so they can work their feelings on what happened, what they saw and giving them the chance to get used to their way of life.
With the days evolving in a chain and forming months, the wounds get covered slowly and they get used to things, entering the curious "routine" of the Order (if it can be called such). They don't tend to go to the Headquarters much, staying more in the America section and is there they start to develop a sensation that comes close to "home".
Their bodies get used with the movements and attacks, gaining agility and sharpening reflexes. And through learning to fight, they also learn to feel their connections with the sword and the bow. In moments they fight or train together, they complete each other as always, in a way that couldn't have been more coordinated if they had combined it beforehand, more than steps of a choreographed dance.
As such, with delicate steps of fawns, they find a space and nestle themselves in the scheme of the Order, making contact with others such as Siriel Volkaren, also from Yeegar's unit and who has joined the organization before them.
He is a boy of soft manners and an inscrutable smile who frequently talks with them until reaching the point of becoming a friend. When they start to have their own missions without their General, they often go together and Siriel likes to have more people in his unit, which soon becomes a team.
He is not the only one who they meet and get along with. Being a cheerful person who often knows how to make those around her laugh, Tina Spark from Klaud Nine's unit also becomes a friend to the twins.
Perhaps what happens is due to how good it is to feel you belong somewhere, to have something guiding your life (be a purpose or mission)… Perhaps it is just because she feels she is doing something that matters, but Alison finds herself thinking about the Order as a home. Even after having particular missions, she and Irene keep contact with their General and enjoy when their missions are with him.
And with the soft routine and comfort of returning, the firmness of the Order among a world that is a black sea where fishes hide in the depths, unseen for others, offers a refuge in which there can be safety. And it is in this safety Alison nestles herself, not realizing the strings that slither into her veins and take hold, tearing them out of the body to form a marionette. She sleeps in her role of Exorcist and remains as such.
Things can carry on like this.
They could have carried on like this.
Until Irene starts to behave strangely.
Another person wouldn't have taken notice and even Alison can't see it at first, judging it to be caused by something related to their missions or anything of this nature. Time has no meaning anymore, only the moon rising and hiding in a slow dance with the sun. Even the passage of the months becomes relative after a certain point.
But there are changes.
Irene slowly becomes more introspective than what is natural of her, though years of fighting and missions have made a fence in her free manners and her smiles are not as often nowadays. Some of her free hours are no longer spent with Siriel, Tina or Alison and for the first time since they arrived, there is a day when she misses her training.
Small details. Almost nothing.
But they mean a lot more.
Until Irene calls Alison one night, needing to talk. In the North America headquarters, there are also rooms for Exorcists that stay there between missions and both have their places as the others, but it is not there where they meet. Irene prefers the gardens.
Under a weak waning moon, Irene takes a seat in one of the benches between white roses that are like fallen stars.
"Irene… Is everything alright?" Alison asks, suddenly whispering for a reason she doesn't understand, not wanting to disturb the night. The sister gazes at her, a strange expression in her face.
"Aliss…" She mutters, unsure of how to proceed. Alison sits at her side in silence. Irene sighs. "Do you… Do you think we are in the right place?"
Alison blinks, not grasping what lies behind those words. Nothing that her sister had to say has ever surprised her in such a way, words were almost useless between them, who could understand each other with a mere gaze. It has been years since they joined the Order and now, with a mere question, Irene seems to want to agitate everything that has happened since then.
"Well… We're Exorcists. We're doing something right, here…" Those aren't terms that have strength on their own in the middle of the night, but Alison just doesn't know what her sister means. She might as well have asked if they are truly humans or what the moonlight was actually made of.
"I'm not talking about what we're doing!" The other replies with near harshness. "I'm talking about the Order in itself."
Alison frowns.
"We're fighting to save humanity, we're fighting to save humanity, that's all we've heard for months when we arrived and we ended up repeating it to ourselves, as if that's just what we need to know…" Irene carries on, her eyes abandoning the moon and turning to her sister as if searching for something. "That I don't question, fine, but… But what are we truly doing?"
It is a question that suddenly has no answer. Missions, the extermination of akumas, this all sounds too weak to work as an answer. Those are steps of the way, however….
Alison starts to have a notion of what is being said, but drowns it in her mind without realizing it.
"We only go to missions, get the Innocence, destroy akumas. It can't be only that, a war is not just that. There is something… Wrong." Having been in missions and lost their share of blood and flesh, and almost their lives, the terms "only that" are not fitting for the subject. Irene is referring to something bigger. "And the Order knows that."
Yes, it makes some sense… They can exterminate akumas, but so what? More would come. They could find Innocences, but so what? The production of akumas, the cycle of death and pain being used for the birth of weapons and fights would continue. So… What were they doing in the end?
"Irene…"
"The Order knows it and…" Her hand holds her sister's, digging nails in the flesh. "Aliss… At what point do you think they will go to win? Is the salvation of humankind worth the loss of humanity? Can all limits just be ignored?"
"What are you talking about?"
Irene takes a deep breath. There are no easy ways of saying this.
"Aliss. We can't stay here anymore."
Alison blinks, almost unable to believe what she has just heard. It is the first time Irene says anything close to this nature and it has been more than two years since they arrived in the Order. Nothing tonight seems to make any sense and suddenly, Alison wants to get free from her sister's touch and walk away, something she had never felt in her life.
"What are you…"
"Listen to me!" The other hisses. "They… Aliss, I mean it, those people are insane. We never questioned anything before, so we never noticed, but… This whole deal of family, of teams, it is among us. In truth, we're nothing. Please, Alison, we can't carry on like this…"
It is a surprise, it makes no sense to hear such things after years and Alison turns her gaze away. Her sister is basically telling her they must leave… But where to? Where would they go? And how could they ever leave the Order, the only home they have known since their parents' death?
There is something almost horrible in hearing such words. But it is Irene, her sister, her twin. They have always been a complement of each other and Alison is unable to ignore what the other tries to say, almost as if afraid of using absolute terms, as if aware her words will break something that has become a definite condition of life, suffocating all other possibilities.
And still, it is necessary to do so.
"We can't go on. It's… It's no use." Irene continues with the delicate way of who hurts to save. "I've done some… Snooping around. We're the low cast. You wouldn't think so, but we are. We're pawns in the chess game. Try asking the big guys, try to find out when this all actually started, how we can actually win if we're stuck in a spiral and see what answer you get. None."
Alison can't stand up, as much as she wants to. And then she knows that what is in her sister's eyes is something close to dismay, a worthless and defeated despair. Irene wanted to leave, she needed to, but wouldn't. Not without her sister.
"Our Innocences are useful. We are not."
"Irene, please… No… It isn't like that."
"Tell yourself that." Is the reply with the first smile of the night, that is just sad. Her shoulders remain down, eyes of an old person now. "Aliss… Please… I am you, you are me, remember? I can't do this by myself, I can't go alone…"
Alison asks for some time, just a couple of days so she can think about what Irene has told her this night and perhaps think about a plan as well, some idea of what they would do afterward. Irene doesn't like it, but accepts and leaves her sister be. Alison, in her turn, rarely actually thinks about it and sometimes wonders (almost with a hope that she hides from herself) if this isn't just some phase that will fade in some days. Even when the idea of leaving the Order becomes slowly more real, it doesn't provoke actions, even when Irene confides in her about experiments that try to force people who are not compatible to connect with Innocences, as well as whispers and secrets hidden in the Archives.
There are other things as well. Things Irene clearly wants to tell, but can't bring herself to do so.
Even so, Alison backs away and throws herself in her missions, being grateful for them, for the distraction they provide, like a dog that is kicked and then licks the hand of the owner when offered a rotten snack.
Upon returning from a mission, her awakening happens. The air is heavy with bad news and it informs her nerves before words do so, before her mind processes what she suddenly knows in her soul that feels like it's missing an essential piece. And she doesn't want to listen, doesn't want to know, doesn't want to confirm what she feels inside as she fights against the knowledge that will shatter her.
There is no shield against it.
There is no way of not knowing, not feeling.
The words of Renny Epstain, superior in the Headquarters of North America, are almost not heard in a physical way.
Irene is dead.
They haven't been able to recover her corpse, only the sword, covered now by the rust of death, no signal of its usual shine.
Irene is dead.
Alison stands still in the room, words of comfort sounding distant as she doesn't dare to touch the sword wrapped in a white sheet and hating the hands holding it because it is not right and she would have killed that Finder for touching what is left of her sister if it wasn't for how her body doesn't bow anymore to the mental command.
More soft words, fake in their sounds. The only reality returns to the sword in a rust cocoon, a thick scab of a corpse. She wants to hold it, but it's not allowed. The Innocence is to return to Hevlaska, until another person can be its accommodator.
The idea of another person joining with Irene's Innocence is ridiculous and hateful.
Alison wants to scream, to react. She is unable to and hates herself for it, going back to her room in silence. It is then that she gives herself to the despair, the insanity biting her thoughts, intoxicating her to a drunk-like state and isolating her of anything that may offer salvation.
Irene is dead.
Poets would describe a radical change, soul rebelling inside the body. What happens is not like that. It is just inevitable and perhaps the awareness of what has already been put in motion somewhere in the past. It is just the critical point being reached.
A wildfire that has long been asleep in her blood awakens day by day and leads her to, in the middle of the night, to invade the room of mission's reports, past caring for consequences. She has always been subservient, accepting the norms of the Order and not once testing limits. Now she does so, moved by dead echoes of Irene telling her about how she wanted, needed to leave the Order and what they actually were in the eyes of the Central.
What they would do, then, with a dog that starts to remember how it has the blood of a wolf?
It isn't a piece of information hard to find. And the deduction to be made from specific terms is as simple as the sunrise.
Japan has become a nest of akumas. An area covered by the lie of humanity, having worms of insanity and death underneath. There is no possible survival, not even a chance of return. There have been rumors, but they had no idea the situation was this bad… And the Innocence has been brought back despite all odds because it is indeed all that truly matters…
What they would do with a dog that no longer obeys its Master?
Simple. The Innocence is important. The pawn that doesn't obey the chess player, is trash.
Having realized Irene was questioning what she shouldn't, wondering about the value of the Order and how they conducted things and how far they would go if it meant winning, they had feared she would run off to the Noahs' side or run off with the Innocence. Or perhaps they were just furious enough with her…
Irene had said they were insane, after all… Insane from fear, from the need to win…
In a way or another, Irene has been sent to her death on purpose.
No one escapes the Order.
And Alison knows… Nothing of this would have happened, had she trusted and followed Irene, if she had cared to understand her words.
Irene is dead.
And it is her fault.
Coldness is all she feels in the following days and a self-hatred that will follow her to her grave. She grieves, cries and isolates herself as it is expected. In this isolation of everything related to life (or the chain of routine that has grown around her, imitating life), part of her mind finds a cold functioning and objectivity in which nothing more has value, except leaving.
She can't bear stay here. She may end up killing someone or herself if she does. To stay is to betray Irene.
Alison doesn't analyze her actions beyond what's necessary.
For a couple of months, she plays her part with care to not awaken suspicions to the Central and she becomes aware of how they watch her closely for any signal of the same "errors" of her sister.
The chance of escaping comes by chance. Alison has already made particular preparations and only needs this small chance such as this, a battle in which she can fool the golem and leave evidence of her death.
So, she allows herself to be hurt by the akuma and prolongs her fight as much as she can until she can destroy the golem in a way that makes it seem it is the shock of attacks that does so. Her body is wrapped in pain and the coat drinks the blood of her wounds.
Nothing of this is cause of care to her and she leaves the ripped coat there, not even approaching the remains of the golem. The purse the Exorcists (and the term gives birth to a bitter taste in her mouth, filling her with disgust) is left behind, but she has hidden some things inside that she picks up and changes herself in the middle of akuma's oil and her own blood, putting a new wallet she has made in secret in her pocket.
In no moment she thinks about leaving her bow behind. Not because the Order will see through it that she is alive but because it is hers. And she has to admit… She no longer knows what to do with her existence. Whatever dream of the past is forever out of reach, whatever she might have been is shattered and all that remains in the Innocence.
She can't just turn her back to this war.
But now, she will fight in her own way.
"Alison…" A voice calls her, deep and constant in tone. No need to turn back to know it is Yeegar and she briefly wonders if he has been sent to watch her from afar or if it is just coincidence or if he has done so by his own choice. Well, the answer doesn't even matter, anyway. She may pick any of those options and the result is the same.
"Are you going to stop me?" She asks serenely, but her voice seems to no longer know warmth or light. Her teacher and master is not a fool, he knows what seeing her with different clothes and leaving everything else behind entitles.
Yeegar stays in silence. It is what he is supposed to do, no doubt, to make arguments and try to convince her.
And use force if this doesn't work.
"Do you know what will happen should they find out?"
"Do you know what will happen should I stay?"
Silence from both sides. Alison looks over her shoulder to him, all warmth lost from her expression. Yeegar, for the first time, looks his age. The white hair frame a face hurt by time and life. The girl can't find in herself to care… No one goes through life without scars of some kind and at the moment, Yeegar's are of no importance to her.
"I'm sorry…"
Alison turns completely to him, merely staring with a dreadful placidity, waiting for what he has to say for due to a mere notion of good manners… And yet, of everything he could have said, this manages to touch her and cause some surprise, even if it feels so distant from herself. The General walks to her with the caution of one approaching an animal, his eyes not once leaving hers.
"I'm really so, so sorry, Alison…"
And without giving the woman time to respond, he involves her. A cold shiver that holds more emotions than the body can process runs through her nerves and his hug is the first thing that actually touches her heart in a time that feels too long. She finds no strength to attempt freeing herself.
Something in this hug allows her to renovate her contact with the real world, with things beyond the depths of her interior and her guilty.
No. Yeegar is not going to stop her.
"Once more, I couldn't protect my beloved students…" He mutters in her ear, though it is more to himself as he caresses the gray hair, as though handling a little child.
Allowing her eyes to close, Alison feels the warmth of the man that has become the closest of a family to her and Irene since their parents died and perhaps the only true family they found in the Order… At first, Alison has thought that the cold despise that has taken a piece of her being to itself would extent to Yeegar. And she finds that in her feelings for Yeegar, there is no room for despise.
She hugs him back, with some relief in the point where her soul is still screaming. Irene had loved him. She does too.
Both hold each other, sharing similar pain and knowledge. Both know those screams that never fade, that they must hear until their deaths and how during the nights, they will become a cacophony wrapping what is left of their sanities.
"You did protect us, Professor. You did what you could." It isn't a lie made to make him feel better. If Irene had had a chance of telling Yeegar about what was going on, Alison doesn't doubt that the General would have helped her far more than Alison did.
Yeegar holds her tighter for a moment before letting her go and looking in her eyes. His hands shiver for a moment when he holds her shoulders and places a light kiss in her forehead.
"Stay alive." He whispers as if sharing a secret. "Run, my little one…"
Alison does that.
And never sees him again.
Alison opened her eyes. The memories of years often take just a couple of minutes to be replayed in the mind, like a record that someone heard so many times. Which meant the same events were replayed in her mind over and over in a small window of time…
The way she misses her sister remains, no mattering how much time passed. Same for the hate she felt for herself that day… Time, on those occasions, means nothing and she had learned that. That wound would never heal…
If at least she had listened to Irene…
If at least she had thought about it, not hidden herself in the comfort created by the Order…
Then Irene would be alive.
Yes, she knew she had been harsh with Lenalee. But she had also been sincere in what she had told Lauren… The girl reminded her far too much of herself in her days working for the Order.
Alison just didn't want Lenalee to cry someday for the same reasons.
XxX
The pillows, or what was left of then, were hard to the skin. There was almost no difference between lying on them or on the floor, but Raz's body was taken by such exhaustion that she did not even realize it.
Once out of the battlefield, the body relaxed with the relief of being still alive and the same relaxation allowed the tension of the situation to be freed completely and the nerves became more sensible to the memories (even if blurred) of attacks, screams and pain. It was like reviving the whole battle in the physical sensations.
After the Time Record of Miranda had been deactivated, the wounds of the fight had reached them. Johnny had at once started to patch them up, Miranda insisting she was in good shape enough to help and just stopping when Noise Marie had convinced her to rest. For some reason, though the woman didn't show many physical wounds and tried to appear fine, Raz had felt the strong impression that her organs were almost shattering inside her body.
Not that the state of the others was any better, including hers and Allen's. It wasn't because the Earl wanted them alive and they were "part of the family" that the akuma or the other Noahs weren't willing to use the necessary force. The memory of Tyki trying to hit her among a tornado of colors and sounds sent a cold shiver inside her spine and she turned to the side, eyes fixed upon the wall. The paper on it had been torn apart like the skin of some animal, exposing wooden bones and the emptiness between them.
After taking care of their wounds, some had gone to rest for a while or just try to put something in their stomachs, too tired to do more than that. Allen, Miranda and Elana had remained in the room with Lavi and Bookman. Both were still weak and seemed to be asleep… There were almost no visible wounds that could threaten their lives, but they all knew this meant nothing when it came to the Noah Clan and what they wanted. It wasn't hard to figure out, not with Wisely had told her and Allen.
It felt like ages ago…
The girl sighed to herself and lifted a hand to her eyes, thinking about the shadows that were hers to command. There was no real sensation of victory… She was relieved that they had been able to help Allen's friends and that they had all survived, but the weariness stopped any other sensation of being born and left open way to a sort of heaviness that was complex in its nature and didn't come from just one seed.
Her thoughts were conducted back to the white room of the Ark, the piano and the spider legs that had grabbed her nerves. The mental crack had been ignored then and she tried to bring it back with the care of who handles a rattlesnake.
"It's not only that. I called Tyki Joyd. Why did I do that?"
But knowledge marked more in sensations and nerves than under the shape of a memory is harder to bring to the mind.
She made herself smaller, bending her knees to her chest as if wanting to hide from whatever it was crawling inside her. It wasn't just the feeling of memories that had become clearer for a moment just to hide under her brain, it was also a cold that was born from the depths of her cells.
She couldn't feel at ease with those people who called themselves Exorcists. The long exposure to the Innocences of the rest of the group, added to the training with Allen, had helped her to place reins on the desire of blood that she had felt in her first days, but for some reason, it felt worse when near those people (even if she could still control herself).
Raz remembered walking in the street with Samuel, watching them from afar as they talked to Allen and how that sight had hurt her eyes. It wasn't jealousy, nor was anything of such nature, it was more a sense of isolation, perhaps not different from what a wild bird feels when seeing other birds from inside its new cage…
Besides… She wasn't even sure she liked those people.
But it wasn't the time to deepen herself in this particular river. It was another one she searched for in herself: The one whose waters had agitated upon seeing the white piano.
Still in the same position, she closed her eyes and tried to concentrate. The room that she knew she had seen before. No, wait, it wasn't the same room, but it had been build to be an exact replica. Allen had told her about the Ark, no Noah knew that room, not even the Earl himself.
"And what about the room where he found me?"
No, no… Focus. She had to keep focus.
So, if the room she knew wasn't in the Ark, where had she seen it? Had it been the same as her dream? She had dreamt about a piano and someone playing, so, it probably was…
The piano of Neah…
"Neah D. Campbell."
The white piano.
"Mana D. Campbell…"
The white room, so white that shadows had a blue hue…
Almost a sort of… of… God, what was the word that would work for what she felt? Sanctuary?
"Mana D. Campbell… Mana Walker… Mana Walker…"
Slowly, rocks that she blind threw in the river of her mind created waves.
"Noah of Loneliness."
Black river.
Black waves.
And Raz allowed herself to drown in them.
Ana: And, cliffhanger.
Kanda: After all this time, you still don't change.
Alison: You still hope she ever does?
Ana: Hey! What could I do? This chapter was long enough.
Raz: So, am I finally remembering something? Actually remembering?
Ana: Maybe, maybe not…
Lavi: Excuse me, but am I going to stay asleep forever or what?
Ana: Geez, calm down. You just got out of the Ark. I would be happy enough just with that.
Lavi: Well, I am! But we're already down the road and the times I appeared have been few to nothing! My fans will forget about me! – whimpers-
Link: What about me? I just had one appearance until now!
Apocryphos: And the same has happened to me. I would appreciate it if I could just find Allen and help him.
Allen: If you want to do is to "help me", I wouldn't like to see what you do if you hated me…
Ana: Since they're going to start the debate of always, let's check the reviews!
jy24: Lenalee at the beginning actually showed promise, but I think over the time she became a weak character. I do understand the pain she is going through. At first, Alison wouldn't be so harsh, but when I saw it, she had already said all that…
Lauren: Alison is the kind to use her words as knives…
Alison: Whatever.
Ana: Yeah, I just hope she didn't come off as much of a jerk… She actually is able to be kind… At times.
SasuNaruHina: I was a little scared people would want to bite Alison's head off, but the readers seem to have taken her little speech okay, so good.
Alison: Look, I said what needed to be said.
Lauren: I still think you went a little overboard.
Ana: Well, since the Innocence's energy and a Noah's energy are opposites (reason why the process is slow and they can't fight each other much, less they destroy Allen's body), first Allen would have to cast off his Innocence. But I wonder… If they merged, it wouldn't be Allen or Neah anymore, but a whole different person.
Allen: I wouldn't like to lose myself that way, thanks. I just hope I find a way to get rid of Neah.
Neah: Dream on.
Ana: I won't even ask them to quit the body-switching stuff. It's a lost cause.