Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man in any way, all credit goes to Katsura Hoshino.
Summary: Forced to leave the Order, Allen comes across a secret hidden in the depths of the Ark. Now, hunted by the Noah Clan and considered an enemy by the place he once called home, he has to search for the truth... The truth about Mana, Neah and himself. Where he came from and who he really is. Uncovering a web of illusions and doubts, Allen still moves forward as he promised to do... But what do you do in a war, when you feel like you don't belong to any side?
"We all live inside bodies that will deteriorate. But when you look at human beings, they're capable of very decent things: Love, loyalty. When time is running out, they don't care about possessions or status. They want to put things right if they've done wrong." – Kazuo Ishiguro.
Act Twenty-Eight – White Embrace
The three women entered the room without bothering to knock, all breathing heavily after going upstairs in a run and approaching the bed where the redheaded laid, but keeping a safe distance to give him room to breathe.
"What happened?" Miranda asked, eyes running through the faces of the others, without truly fixating upon any of them. Allen shook his head with desperate dismay, fearing for their friend. Elana took Lavi's pulse, unable to give any useful response, except that he seemed to be having a sort of seizure, of which nature she had no idea.
"I don't know, he was fine a moment ago!"
Samuel and Marie came closer, each at one side of the bed to hold the boy when he started to convulse with such strength that it seemed the bed was moving along with his body. Sweat drops were born one after the other in his forehead and slithered down the pale face, each seeming to shine with a fever of their own.
Miranda didn't want to know and readied herself to activate her Time Record, anxious to do something, if she could at least rewind Lavi's time so they could think, understand what was happening...
"Hey, the Innocence!" Someone cried out. It could have been Marie, but it was not possible to be sure, not with the distress around. The small hammer that had been hanging in Lavi's belt now shone with a greenish hue that reflected around the room as if it had been drowning in darkness, though it wasn't even close to the sunset.
"Put that in his mouth!" Kanda snarled to Elana, who was closer when the hammer melted. The blonde looked at him for a moment, not comprehending the command. "Just do it!"
Not discussing, she complied, making a shell with one of her hands. There was no need to pay attention to not spill a drop: The substance was homogeneous in nature, unable to divide itself.
Marie at once opened the redhead's mouth, taking care so he wouldn't bit his tongue as his convulsions worsened. For an instant, he feared they would see some foam forming, but the mouth was dry. Elana let the substance fall in his throat, massaging it so Lavi's body would swallow it.
"That's what happened when the Innocences evolved to Crystal…" Lenalee muttered to herself, looking from Kanda to Lavi, also not able to explain what had made the Innocence to change shapes now or even what was going on with the unconscious boy.
"Those convulsions..." Allen looked to the other bed where Bookman still slept, with no signs of facing the same complications. No one needed to say anything, this could only be work of the Noahs.
His silver-like gaze went back to Lavi, whose body still shivered, the skin growing a sick shade by the second.
"Whatever it is... C'mon Lavi, be strong... We're waiting for you here."
He didn't know what else they could do once they didn't even know what was going on.
XxX
The world long ago had lost its meaning. Concepts and terms escaping until everything simplified itself to the basic levels of instinct, almost the emotional and sensorial limitations of a fetus.
His world had become basically divided into two waves, the ones of silence and peace or of rays cutting his nerves and provoking the limits of pain, leaving him frequently in a threshold. Still present enough to feel the pain and its remains biting his being, but not enough so his weakness would allow a sleep from which he would not wake again.
After certain times alternating between a state and the other, even moments of peace became fearful, for there was no knowing when they would end and there was constantly the presage of pain, a shadow from which he could not get free.
The notion of his own body was already lost, the mind closing itself in an environment where there was only white. And the occasional red and black rays that pierced his brain. And the agony spread in such a way that it didn't divide into focal points such as a leg or arm, so there was no difference. And he remained in that place, caged in the depths of his mind and no longer caring about getting out…
He had the slightest sensation that there was a time since he had last been tormented by those rays, aware that he might be being fooled. Time in itself had no sense when there were only two states of existence to measure it.
Perhaps he had ceased. Perhaps he had died and not realized it. And if this was death, an eternal floating in a white without pain, then it wasn't so bad. He didn't allow himself to be too comfortable with the thought, fearing it would be perceived and the red and black would be back, cutting the white. The moments of unconsciousness were very welcome, as much as they pointed out he was not dead (unless you did sleep even after death?) since he didn't worry about the rays when taken by sleep.
Other than this, he would rather not think. Even when he felt cold hands searching his memories, playing with images of the past as a child pulling out the wings of insects, he could only do just like the insect and shrunk himself, hoping it would end at some point. There were moments, terrible moments, when he would have rather doubted his own memories and even the existence of the world he barely remembered.
No, it was better to limit himself to keep floating in the whiteness.
He had had the sensation that there were sounds, that seemed to call for him, voices that were different from the previous ones. Those called him with gentleness and had a familiar quality to them. He knew what they were and yet, remained where he was. Not only because he wasn't sure he remembered how or even if he could... Thoughts through words did not exist anymore, just sensations in their pure state and often, he no longer bothered in trying to understand them.
Then, the pain was back.
It was more than before, more than everything he had ever known.
It filled everything around and inside him, bites of fire and ice, one after the other, so fast, as if his nerve endings were guinea pigs of how many types of pain someone could feel in sequence with no time for discernment or healing. And he remained lost without a voice to scream, lacerated from inside out...
Then... Warmth.
Something had run to that corner where he had taken refuge inside himself and held him, held him somehow, and isolated him from the pain. Not until it was forgotten, but in a way it became a sort of echo and that was enough to make him sigh in relief...
It was the most curious sensation, having something holding him inside his own body...
But was it his body? Yes, he was going back to feeling something more physical, even if it was still too distant to be truly his. And here, now, he just existed in a pure form, no division between mind and soul...
It didn't matter, it didn't matter, he was away from the pain enough to not feel it entirely, so it was alright.
The sensation intensified. It was pleasant and warm, as the memory of the maternal embryo and he allowed himself to relax. The thing wrapped him in a cocoon of safety. He knew, somehow, that his body was being destroyed and he didn't care. If this was death, then all he asked for was that there was no pain and he just had to wait for a brief moment.
"Do you want to die?" The question came softly. Something in him shivered. It wasn't something he had expected, nor it was easy to understand. Not because he had gotten used to the silence around, but because the communication didn't rely merely on words which meaning the brain could decipher. It was more direct, blood with blood, mind with mind.
Well, he supposed he did want to. He had felt enough pain already, he would rather sleep.
The sensation around echoed with sorrow and he felt himself being cradled, almost in a way that asked forgiveness. That he didn't understand. Whatever was holding him had no blame. The Noahs were the ones who had tortured him...
Oh, yes, the Noahs. He could remember them now...
"Do you truly want to die?" The thing was trying to hold back the pain (and perhaps what had caused it) and wouldn't be able to keep it for longer. Whatever it was the meaning that time had gained here.
He hesitated now that his thoughts were growing clearer. All he knew was that he didn't want more pain and that hadn't been quite the question. Suddenly, he recalled clearly when he was a child...
That day...
That day had been similar and he had thought he wanted to die because he couldn't bear any more of the pain that seemed to be his whole world. And yet, he had survived against all he had expected...
Something had moved his life, after that day...
No. No, he didn't want to die. If he could, once more, escape and carry on, then it was what he wanted to do. He didn't want to die yet, but...
"What for?"
Yes, what for? The question had a gentle tone of curiosity, nothing with the negative ways of disdain. And it was comprehensible, he thought. After so long in that state where thoughts were no more than shards, wasn't it natural that he would rather die?
No. It couldn't be. Otherwise, he wouldn't have survived that day so many years ago.
Wait, that was wrong just as well. His survival back then had been by accident. Here there was a sort of choice and while a part of him still thought it would be better to just allow himself to cease, he still felt there was some... Some reason worth waking up for. Even if he was to wake up in a world still divided by those states of false peace and pain...
There was something.
He wanted to live, there was something... If he could at least focus...
Bookman.
He wanted to be a Bookman, to study and find out the hidden story of the world, find out why... Why...
The sensation of curiosity about that thing surrounding him grew. He was hesitating... The thing held him gently, almost a spring-breeze. Somehow, it was alright. And he felt that, whatever that as, it loved him. He would have liked to stretch a hand and caress it back, transmit that he understood the feeling, and reciprocate it...
But he had no hands.
Yet, in some way, he felt the thing was smiling at him and around him. So at least those intentions also could be transmitted. And that was good.
He couldn't stay here. He had to wake up. Because he wanted to be a Bookman, because he wanted to understand, learn things no other person knew and he had to understand why back in that day, why...
"If you call me by my first name again, I'll slice you up!"
"Lavi! Did you draw on my face again?"
"Don't worry, Lavi..."
"Hey, Lavi…"
No...
No, it wasn't because of Bookman. That... That for a long time had been everything in his life and as much as that still burned in him, there was something more, another flame which shape he could force into sounds and images.
Faces passed by him. Words exchanged. Memories.
He wanted to live.
Because he wanted to see his friends again. Because they had been there for him and he wanted to be there for them as well! They were in a war and while he could force his body to function, he wanted to see them, wanted to be with them!
He wanted to live.
He wanted to live as Lavi.
The thing around him wrapped him closer and it had all freshness of the first breath of a baby. And it expanded with this same feeling, running through his nerves, his blood and body, burning what it found in the way and that was not a part of him.
And Lavi felt it. He felt each nerve of his being, each vein, and artery carrying blood that was fresher than before, his heart renewing the beat. As if he was born again, his senses expanded and his body burned as if washed from inside out...
He still held on to that feeling of being hugged inside, understanding that perhaps Allen had understood first than any of them when he said he wanted to be a destroyer that saved...
For the Innocence was not a weapon of hate, made to destroy akumas and hurt.
It was a weapon of peace, born to save souls and to protect.
"Allen," He managed to think before he felt the approaching of a kind sleep with no fear. "You were right, man…"
Identical cuts opened in Lavi's arms, blood flourishing with fury, making Elana cry out and try to cover the sudden hemorrhage as she looked around for something to use as a bandage.
"Leave it, Elana! It's alright." Allen went to her, holding her shoulder. "That's how it is."
The woman turned to Allen, apparently ready to protest, but then went quiet. Swallowing hard, she nodded, taming her nervousness before something she had never witnessed before.
Blood escaped from Lavi as if rejected by the body and in ran in the sheets, making red flowers in its wake.
"Hey, look at that..." Krory muttered when he saw something in the blood. Among the spreading red, there were long things of a grayish color that fell in the floor or remained in the bed even when the blood slithered back to the young man's arms, entering the cuts and leaving just black scars in his skin.
"What is that?" He asked when examining one of those things closely, without touching it. One still seemed fresh and it moved as if alive. "It looks like some sort of worm..."
As the presents looked at each other, the creature twisted itself and stayed still, soon becoming no more than ashes.
XxX
At the same time the Innocence in a pure state ran through Lavi's blood, Fiidora let out a shriek of pain, his long tongue slipping out his mouth and shivering as a snake. Some of the eyes had burst open, a white liquid mixing with saliva and ashes that fell out of it.
Maashima held the other Noah that coughed and had trouble breathing.
"What was that?" Sheryl asked in shock. In a moment, things had seemed alright, Fiidora had been concentrating and controlling the worms he had placed in the redheaded brat to devour him from inside out. Like Tyki's teases, they accumulated in flesh and blood, proliferating and waiting for the moment to break the host apart.
Then Fiidora had cried out and now there were wounds in his mouth and he held his head as if in pain.
"Damn it... Curse him..." He swore with a shivering voice.
"What happened?" Maashima asked while helping Fiidora to stand straight, a spasm running through him as his face twisted in an expression of mixed hate and repulse.
"I don't know... Somehow that damn Innocence burned my worms!" And by extension, had reached him, burning him inside as well. Not enough to cause serious damage, but enough for him to not forget that pain very soon.
Devit and Jasdero made a face, both recalling when they had caught an infection due to the Innocence of the vampire Exorcist.
They didn't ask if he had managed to kill the brat. Fiidora's expression and his discontentment were clear signals. They could only hope there had been enough damage to cause a hemorrhage or some similar consequence.
XxX
As much as he knew that entering in contact to give news wouldn't be possible so soon, it didn't mean there was no anxiety. On the contrary, it seemed to intensify itself precisely because of that.
Reever couldn't help it. He wasn't a fool and perhaps after all this time with his friends having to leave in missions from which they could not come back, perhaps he should be used to wait for news and known to control himself, telling himself to wait, sometimes the Exorcists were unable to get in contact, that didn't mean they were hurt...
Yes, the logic made sense.
And it was of no help whatsoever.
It wasn't just that the missions chosen were just an excuse that allowed them to try and rescue Lavi and the risk involved or meet Allen and the strange group Kanda had mentioned...
"Not to mention a Noah." The idea still caused a shock and he didn't believe he would get used to it quite soon. It was almost like finding out the existence of a cold fire or a fish that lived out of the water. However, even without such factors, the point was that he just worried...
And he missed Miranda.
He knew, that as an Exorcist, she was strong and could take care of herself, despite what others might think, but logic arguments had no effect against the scenarios his mind could come up with.
He tried to keep his self-control, not let anyone else realize what was happening in him at the same time when, at times, his thoughts wandered to her, imagining how she was or remembering the times they had talked...
"What is going on with me?"
XxX
The bed received her with the usual comfort and it embraced her body, creating the pleasant feeling that only our own beds have. With a sigh of relaxation, Klaud turned her body around, nestling herself in the sheets.
As her muscles started to rest and Lau laid at the side of her head, wrapping his tail around his small body, Klaud's thoughts were allowed to fly with more freedom.
Upon coming back from an investigation about Innocence (false lead, in the end, it was just a rare phenomena, but not unexplained), she had found out that her unit had left in another mission. Just like Kanda Yuu's unit.
No one would have seen anything abnormal about it, considering the frequency they had to leave in missions anyway.
"Like hell." She reflected, a small smile adorning her face as her fingers caressed Lau, who made a low sound of pleasure. "Kanda is not the type to just go and do things without a reason. And all the Exorcists in question are Walker's friends... Well, maybe Marie doesn't know him as well as the others, but he knows him enough. And he is Kanda's friend…"
The General wondered what they were up to. Perhaps she was mistaken and it was just normal missions, but her instinct refused the idea and the woman had long ago learned that sometimes you should trust your heart.
Her thoughts went to Krory. He hadn't said a thing to her anymore after their last conversation and she hadn't sought him either...
"You have to admire him." She could remember when she had met him, a shy man that wasn't very different from Miranda Lotto with her initial nervousness. Though he had never stopped being a quiet person, it was easier to take notice of the strength that hid behind his dark eyes.
In relation to the possible allies, Klaud considered him and Kanda to be higher in her list. Taking how Lenalee had gone out in defense of Walker before Levelier, Klaud considered her as well, but that obvious expression of emotions... No, in the game they were, she could only hope that Lenalee would learn to control such expressions, otherwise, she would be digging a grave for herself.
They were not in a situation where words of devotion were enough.
And things were growing worse by the time. Klaud would rather not get involved in such conversations, keeping her facial mask of "General", but she did pay attention each time she overhead a subject coming even close to Allen Walker.
The gossip had not only been revived, but had also grown since Chaozii had revealed how Walker had meant to save the life of a Noah (and being kissed by Road Kamelot) and she had already heard some people referring to him as White Demon or White Noah, names that were quickly catching up. People who still went on about it (for there was always the need to have names as a target for the hate, to blame for the nightmares and the war), spoke as if it was a fact of nature that Allen was a traitor and treated him as they would when talking about any other Noah, some even commenting how they had always suspected that there was something amiss with the white-haired, cursed boy.
It was ridiculous!
And she would have found it amusing, if it wasn't for the despise dancing with the tones and nicknames or the clear hate that she had seen in Chaozii's eyes during some moments when their scheduled training collided.
"Nothing can be done about this..." And there was no shortage of sadness in this. Klaud sighed and focused on trying to find a solution to what had been haunting her mind for a while now.
The Order's archives.
With the pretext of being just walking or coming back from a session of training, the woman had walked by the staircase that led to the tunnels underground. Following the main one, you would find Hevlaska, and though another one, you would reach the Archives Room. Several data and information were stored there, including that of battles from years ago...
"If I could get in..." It needed to be without anyone else knowing it. The specific archives about thirty-five years ago or more were, without a doubt, being kept with more care than before and the Central itself probably had already studied them in search of clues about the Fourteenth.
"If you keep yourself focused on just one point, you may lose sight of the bigger picture."
The question remained: How could she do that?
The easier way remained the same: Using her authority as General. And it was also the easier way to call attention to herself and risk suspicion. Perhaps someone would judge her paranoid for this, but Klaud didn't care. The truth was, the Central was the paranoid one and she had to think about how they saw things at the moment.
The keys were probably well kept. Perhaps in Levelier's office...
"It all must be done in one night. That means stealing the keys from the Inspector, entering the Archives Room, finding the correct papers, copying them, getting out, giving the keys back..."
She turned, covering her eyes with her arm.
That wouldn't be easy.
"Great." She thought with harshness. "All this without being seen or creating reason for suspicions" And directed her thoughts to Lau, who was still awake, feeling his owner was planning something. "We will need care and luck, here Lau. And you know I do not believe in luck."
XxX
"He seems to be alright..." Elana commented while feeling Bookman's pulse. "As far as I can see, he needs a lot of rest, but..." They couldn't forget that, Exorcist or not, Bookman was still a man of old age.
After the sudden evolution of Lavi's Innocence, the boy seemed to become stable and hadn't suffered another attack. He had muttered something in his sleep, without waking up and was still wounded and weak, but didn't seem to be in imminent danger anymore.
The others had expected some similar reaction in Bookman, yet nothing had happened and Elana had decided to examine him once more to make sure everything was alright... Or as alright as it could be.
"The Noahs truly did a number in them." She reflected with a sigh. "How much can the body and the mind bear before breaking apart?" The question carried coldness. The Noahs probably knew the answer. Whatever they had done, it had been with meticulous care to not go beyond that limit.
And yet, they had approached that line enough.
"They can't go back to the Order." Krory insisted, looking at the others and shaking his head. "Think about it, how they would explain it?"
It was a question no one had thought much about it until the vampire had pointed it out. They had focused themselves on the rescue in itself, not about what to do afterward. Miranda nodded.
"Let's be honest. There is no possible lie that the Central would accept." She couldn't imagine how the Central would ever be convinced of an "accidental" rescue or that they had somehow escaped themselves, even if they waited until they didn't carry such obvious signals of torture. The Central was not made of complete idiots.
"Even so..." Samuel muttered with a way that was not usual from him, making his displeasure clear. Not so much about Lavi, but Elana had already explained to Allen that he had no sympathy for the Bookman lineage, even if she didn't know the details herself, since they had never talked about it.
Allen had had to admit he didn't know much about Bookman himself. For an instant, Road's words had come to him, from back when she had been trying to break Lavi's mind so they would fight, but Allen ignored it. It mattered very little in the present situation.
"Do you have a better idea?" Lauren recalled while crossing her arms, weariness marking her face and she seemed like someone who hadn't slept in months. "Because I'm all ears..." It was obvious she wasn't very pleased about the only possible solution either, but was preferable to the alternative. They hadn't spent years managing to hide from the Order to suddenly take a risk such as that.
Samuel didn't reply, only a corner of his mouth twisted and he ran his strong hand in his dark hair, an indication he saw no other way as well. Elana rested her hand on his back gently and the man's muscles reacted at once, relaxing.
The only possible way was for Lavi and Bookman now go with the Exiled on their journey, instead of going back to the Order. For what Samuel knew of the Bookman's ways, he doubted the old bat would like that very much... But without a credible story to how they had escaped the Noahs, it was quite likely that the Central would suspect something had happened and there was also the chance of someone noticing how the locals of the Exorcists' missions were conveniently close.
It would be easy for the Central to suspect (or better, deduce) both had been kept in the Ark and the only one who had more "control" over the damn thing had been Allen. Therefore, he could be involved. Then, they would logically suspect more manpower...
No, Allen was an Exiled just like they were.
And they wouldn't allow any of them to face this sort of risk.
"Sorry about this." Miranda tried, seeing how Alison and Samuel were annoyed by the idea. The man's dark eyes blinked to her and his features softened.
"Hey, no reason for apologies." He replied, not sure of what had made her say that. Lauren, who had kept herself abnormally quiet during the talk about the next steps until now, sighed audibly.
"It's just... Try to understand... We all chose to leave the Order. Or had to." She added, not needing to look at Allen or any of the others.
"But Lavi and Bookman didn't." Krory completed in a low tone, trying to comprehend their point of view. He was about to add something more when a groan called their attention.
Lavi was waking up.
"Give him room to breathe." Elana said before any of the others approached too much and placed her hand on his forehead. "Lotto, pass me that cloth, please? He still has a fever. Samuel, get some water."
Lavi groaned lightly, as if still in search of the right path to consciousness. The others tensed up, unsure of what to expect. Elana placed the humid cloth in his forehead while Lauren held the first aid box in case there was an immediate need, should Lavi express some pain. She still couldn't take off her mind the image of the blood expelling those worms from his system. The memory made a shiver ran over her spine, even after Lenalee and Allen had already explained about the strange evolution of Innocence and the woman had shown the marks she had on her ankles, as Kanda, with some grumbling, showed his.
Lauren had never expected to see something like that in her entire life.
A green eye opened. The color was pale, almost mist-like.
Lips trembled as if wanting to form a smile or words, but the gesture was weak and the body no longer remembered clearly how to do so. A weak sound escaped, followed by words that were fragile in sound.
"Hey... To wake up surrounded by... Such beautiful women... So... This must be Heaven, right?"
Elana and Alison exchanged looks of shock at the same moment, while Lenalee laughed to herself, the sound having roots more in relief than in finding the comment actually funny. Kanda, in his turn, rolled his eyes.
"If what comes out from the idiot's mouth as soon as he wakes up is such a pathetic pick-up line like that, then he is alright." He grumbled, crossing his arms. "No reason to worry" And walked away, sitting in a corner and closing his eyes as if making a point to show the subject was closed and done as far as he was concerned.
Still, a weak laugh found its way to Allen's mouth.
"Well, I think that was to be expected." Relief dominated his veins, clearing up clouds of worry, as if this had been some sort of sign that Lavi was still himself. He approached slowly. "Hey... Lavi...?"
The body in the bed was still that of a broken doll, with no strength for movements, but the pale eye opened again and went to the end of the bed, meeting gray eyes.
"Hey... You were right, Allen…"
Allen did not understand what the other was talking about, but couldn't find in himself to care now. Lavi still tried to say something more, before Elana moved the cloth against his forehead.
"Easy there..." She warned softly as Lavi's eye closed once more with a mumble that no one understood before he became silent once more. Upon standing up, Elana looked at the other bed where Bookman was... Perhaps he too, would wake up soon.
XxX Two days later XxX
"We still have our own missions…" Kanda kept the harsh expression of always while leaning his back on the wall. "And we should get in contact soon, the Order will wonder if something happened and if they realize we turned our golens off, if they haven't already..."
"I bet they did." Alison grunted, recalling her own days back in the organization as she checked some of the bandages Johnny and Miranda had brought, besides more medicine. During the last night, Lavi had shown improvement in his condition, and Bookman, according to Elana and Krory who had stayed in the room, had gone through moments of consciousness and even said something, before falling asleep once more.
"If the situation is at the point you guys described, I wouldn't be surprised with anything else." They couldn't even risk turning their golens on now to say that everything was alright, not with the chance of the Order deciding to track their localization. Alison thought about some of the times when Lauren had joked with the idea that they were growing paranoid about it, but the joke aside, the truth was that all of them would rather evaluate all their possibilities in order to avoid them.
And after what the Exorcists had told them, she didn't think there would be any prevention that deserved to be classified as "paranoid". Not only regarding them, but the Exorcists just as well. Even though Kanda was now a General, it didn't change the fact that the Central still suspected him. Better safe than sorry anyway...
Kanda offered no reply, merely nodded in agreement. Alison, for a moment, wanted to ask if he had truly accepted the role of General, but decided to say nothing and held a sigh, whispering in an unreadable tone.
"How do you stand the idea of going back there?"
"It isn't really a matter of choice, girl." The other snapped without hiding the ironic tone. Alison looked at him in silence until lowering her dark green eyes, picking some bandages and gauze.
"No... I suppose it isn't."
It was Kanda's turn to stay in silence for a moment as he watched her.
"Did you spend a lot of time there?"
"Time enough." It was the reply and the girl hesitated before shaking her head slightly to herself as she started to change the bandages in her arms with the ability of who is used to take care of herself. There were needle-like lines of wound breaking her skin and wrapping around the arm, some with a deep aspect, and a line of pain still burned in them. "Yeegar was my General…"
Of the people she had truly known in the Order, he was one of the few who remained in her mind with warmth and love...
She had thought she had no more tears, but the night she had learned of what had happened to him, she had cried in silence until sleep had finally taken her away.
Kanda kept his stoic expression, merely nodding to indicate he had known the man.
"Hi there…" A voice called them, coming from the stairs while Lauren came down, still limping a little though there was no pain to be found in her face, which Alison knew to mean nothing. Most of them, over time, had become skilled in keeping a distance between their expressions and whatever went through their bodies or souls.
"Are you guys really leaving?"
Kanda nodded again. Lauren, already used to his serious manners, just sat at Alison's side, who had finished wrapping her arm and said nothing even when a lightning of pain went up from her leg to her spine.
"Well... You should at least wait a little more and eat something."
Kanda grunted something, looking away. But Lauren and Alison looked at each other, since he hadn't said anything about the idea being foolish, then perhaps he was accepting the suggestion?
XxX
"Neah... Can you hear me?" He thought tentatively, eyes closed and concentrating in the sensations of his body and mind, unsure that this could work, but if Neah was inside him, then perhaps they could… Talk somehow?
Even so, he felt nothing. No difference on his pulse, no feeling of something in him, nothing out of the normal...
Allen sighed to himself and opened his eyes slowly. It was not the first time the idea of attempting communication with Neah had passed by his mind, helped by the memory of when he had seen him for a moment when the Noah had almost possessed him during the case of Alma Karma…
"You too, have become a mad puppet." That was what he had said. Allen hadn't understood now and didn't now, either. And about this idea, he wasn't sure of what to feel either... On one hand, he was scared of losing control and what could happen then. Neah had hurt Johnny quite seriously, what else could he do? Besides, Mother's warning of how those two opposite energies could end up killing him hadn't been forgotten... And his nerves recoiled at the memory of the seizures he had already suffered in the past.
He knew they could come back at any moment.
And yet, he still thought about how he actually knew nothing of Neah.
He had wondered if understanding him would change anything, realizing later that even if it didn't, it was something he wanted to do. He wanted to understand what had happened, what he was involved in, and maybe why...
Those two sensations danced inside of him, neither overpowering the other enough to be felt clearly.
As if that wasn't enough, he also couldn't help but fear that if he somehow managed to talk with Neah, it would make it easier for the Noah to possess him. Maybe that brief moment in which he had seen the Noah might have been just that once... Allen had no idea if he was supposed to be disappointed or relieved at this...
He sat on the skeleton of the broken bed, elbows leaning on his knees.
His thoughts took him to Raz for an instant. During the last days they had spent in that house as Lavi and Bookman recovered, little by little, she had seemed lost in her own thoughts. Her silence, he had noticed, was different from when they had first met the Exiled and he could feel something was going on with her... Allen wasn't sure it was just the Exorcists' presence that had made her retreat to herself (he knew it couldn't be easy to the girl, he had learned how the Noah's instinct could be sometimes), as likely as it was…
For now, he had decided to give her room to herself, but he was getting more and more worried.
The room's door creaked open, someone glancing in.
"Hi... Can I come in, Allen?" Lenalee asked before the boy smiled and nodded.
"How are your legs?"
"Better." She gave him a small smile as she sat in something that could have been a sort of small chair, but time had disfigured it to point one couldn't be sure if that was what it had been. "I wouldn't say ready to another round like that, but better…"
A recovery so fast would have been considered surprisingly for anyone who hadn't seen what Innocences could do.
"Good to hear." Allen thought her burns could have been worse if inflicted upon a normal person. In the end, he could only sigh in relief that not only their plan had worked, but no one had died either. After invading the Noahs' territory like that… The Battles of the Ark had been different, they had been taken there. He smiled at her.
"What about you, what about your wounds?" Lenalee could only nod when he mentioned he was also getting better. The word-exchange between them was still more formal than it should be, still marked by the past. Once more, the girl experienced the sensation of she had first seen Allen after so many months…
Once more, memories and images of the times they had spent together before everything had crumbled down around them ran through her mind in fast flashes. And not for the first time, Lenalee wondered about decisions not made and words unsaid...
Perhaps, if a single thing had been done differently, would today be different? The line that connected past and present would have taken another course?
It was no use. That was the heavy regret of an adult looking at the mistakes and dreams of youth alike, wondering about paths not taken even when it's already too late and this she understood in the only way those things can be understood.
"Allen..." Her tone was low, careful. Allen just looked at her, with a calm expression. Lenalee wondered if she paid enough attention, she could pick up the subtle details that were different from her memories. Maybe she could, but she decided she didn't want to.
"I'm sorry."
The white-haired boy said nothing.
The words "that's alright" were in the depth of his throat, but he pushed them back. They tasted bitterer than before, a lie that he could no longer tell himself. Over the last days, in their presence, Allen had had no choice but to face how much he had been hurt. Like something inside him broke and the shard is constantly poking his lung or heart. Before, he would have rushed to say it was fine, they could put this behind them, but now he could only look at Lenalee, vaguely thinking that she had already apologized together with Miranda and Krory, but it seemed she wished to do so again, this time in private, making it more personal.
Was… Was he being cruel?
"You have the right to feel hurt."
"I wanted... I..." She took a deep breath, trying to find terms that expressed exactly what happened inside her. "That time I asked you to stay. I wasn't thinking..." She swallowed, as if she had a lump in her throat and looked in his eyes, hoping again and again that her voice wouldn't shiver.
"I'm sorry."
That night, along with many other memories, also had slithered around her mind.
"I understand…" It was the muttered reply. He… He was done. He didn't want to keep digging the past, like he was revolving the earth of some graveyard. Regarding forgiveness, he wasn't sure, but he knew he wouldn't ever be able to forget what had happened without mulling over it. He was tired. "That was a bad night for everyone…" He whispered, doing his best to at least smile a little and not let his voice sound cold.
"Allen, I… I know I didn't just abandon you..." It hurt to say those things, but not for herself. It hurt to look back and as much as she wanted to believe she hadn't crossed a line, that she hadn't gone past the threshold that changes everything, she could no longer ignore her doubt. In the last two days, past events had stood out in her mind and Lenalee had had time to think and allow that they haunted her, because she had understood she needed it.
Now, some small thoughts made themselves heard, whispering justifications and how there was nothing she could have done for Allen either way, how she had only meant well, only wished for his safety, how her intentions had been good and that was what should matter...
Lenalee ignored them.
As stronger as those thoughts were, she no longer wanted to hear them.
"Friends don't hurt friends."
"I didn't do anything else either." She looked him in the eyes, now wondering how many times Allen's smile had been a lie that she hadn't noticed. "And I said awful things as well. Selfish things"
Both looked at each other in silence. Their instinct, more than the rational mind, ran through the "maybe" and "could've-should've-would've".
"Allen... Can you forgive me, for not being a good friend?"
He stayed quiet for a moment, letting the words be absorbed by the mind.
Could he?
He hadn't wanted to begin to admit, even to himself, what he felt until that night in Mother's house when he had finally told Raz everything... And she had held him, had told him that it was alright to feel betrayed, that this didn't make him a bad person, that it was natural...
Then, and only then, he had been able to cry.
Yet, even after that night, he had still tried to not think about it, tried to not look behind just because he didn't want to face his own feelings on the matter. The little he had allowed himself to feel in the deep hours of the night when he couldn't sleep and thoughts became crows had been quite enough already.
Upon seeing Miranda and the others again, he hadn't had how to hide it anymore and couldn't deny he was hurting more than when Tyki had planted a Tease in his heart. As much as Allen tried to tell himself they couldn't have done anything, that their attempts would have failed, it didn't make him feel any better.
Just a call, from beyond that door.
A hidden letter in the rice… Jerry had managed to write "Fuck you, Levelier", so they could have tried something of this manner…
Just… Anything.
But they had left him in the darkness.
They had left him to drown.
Alone.
That night, he had smiled to Lenalee, as if there was no other expression that his muscles knew and told her he loved everyone in the Order, but that same home now hated him.
He couldn't say her words had been a source of comfort or encouragement.
Still, to wallow in resentments…
"I want to." He said simply, then adding, more to clarify matters than anything else. "I… I don't hate you." Lenalee nodded, a mute understanding between them that this meant only that Allen didn't despise her, that he was willing to try and forgive her and the others. Beyond that, no one could be sure.
If they had left him once, if they had neglected him like that… What stopped them from doing it again?
"I don't want to fight you." Lenalee caught herself whispering, unable to hide this fear. There had always been fear. Fear of the next fight, of loss, of pain... "And I won't."
Allen, for a moment, didn't seem to be about to reply.
"Then we won't. See, we met again and you didn't need to kick me…" Despite the moment, Allen tried to pretend a thoughtful air before adding with a kind of smile that, while not a lie, also wasn't the one Lenalee had grown used to. "And that's good, too, your kicks hurt a lot."
The joke helped to clear the stable air among the two, if only a little. It wasn't enough to bring the laughter from before, free and without barriers, being more the sort of sound between two people who don't see each other for ages and no longer feel the intimacy that allows them to communicate with their gazes alone.
"Stil, Allen, I mean it... I'm so sorry…" Maybe, if things hadn't followed such an uncontrolled path, she would have been able to tell him more than that.
But this was reality, in which all that had happened and it couldn't be altered.
She chose silence.
There were things she needed to work with herself as well.
XxX
He held the golem. It was black and smooth to the touch, quite alike those of the Order. It was expected, after all, the material had come from there. However, Johnny had somehow made small aesthetic alterations, enough so the similarity was basic and differences made it into something new.
Allen had to admit the idea had worked. He knew well why Johnny had dedicated himself to such differences and there was a comfort in this as well. To be honest, he wasn't sure he would have felt good using a golem that looked so much like something that belonged in the Order.
The man in question had his shoulders lowered. Thanks to the amount of work back in the Order, he could easily deal with few hours of sleep and didn't tire quite easily, so he had managed to build some golems by himself and, after presenting them, had also shown the Exorcists how to use the ones they had in a frequency that the Order couldn't track down or monitor, the same that had been used by Allen when he had asked Kanda for help.
"I know it's not Tim, but... We can use it..." He muttered, well aware Allen still carried the burnt remains of Timcampy and how the loss hadn't been the same as losing a mere object. The boy thanked as Lauren also examined the other golem Johnny had made. It had been a long time ago since they had used those things and now, she couldn't deny that when she had joined the organization, the golems had been a source of fascination and curiosity, as she had never even dreamed about such technology before.
Without a doubt, they made communication more practical.
"You, hm, Allen... I disappear for a while… And you get yourself into a mess like that…" Lavi tried to joke, but his words still were sounds forced into shape, lacking the usual cheerfulness, as if he couldn't remember how to even pretend it. It was almost as hearing a creature that could imitate the voice's cadence but lacked the emotion. The weariness didn't help, just like it seemed it had been a while since his body had produced any sound.
He was half-sitting in his bed (as much as he could) while holding a soup dish. Not knowing how the Noahs had kept him and Bookman alive and also wanting to give time for his recovery, Elana had suggested that it would be better if he didn't eat solid meals at least for a while until he felt truly better.
She hoped it would be less complicated than what they had expected due to the evolution of his Innocence, but there was no way to be sure about it... And this just physically. He had woken up last night suddenly and it had taken him time until he had finally understood where he was. Miranda had been in the room at the time with Elana and both believed the absence of screams was more due to tiredness and the time without using his voice than anything else.
Allen and the Exorcists had also been able to see the obvious. There was a harshness in Lavi's facial lines that had never been there and even with his attempts at humor, which had been very few, there was something in his mannerisms...
Somehow, Lavi was still lost, slowly searching for the way back.
In reply to the joke (or attempt), Allen merely smiled weakly to him.
"Well, when things have ever been different, right?"
"Which confirms," Lavi muttered. "That… You're truly cursed." His voice imitated the sound of small laughter that came from the memory, without truly measuring up to it and just being a weak echo. Allen still tried to see this as an improvement, since those were closer demonstrations of humor than it had been in the last days.
After fully waking up, Lavi and Bookman had had time to talk with Allen, Lenalee, Krory, and the others, more listening than speaking, about what has happened during all those months. Lavi had barely spoken of what had happened to him and no one had asked much either, for which he was secretly grateful. Bookman had given the minimum details necessary, just that they had been tortured for info and that even the other Noahs didn't seem to know much about the Fourteenth.
The last days had been spent in rest and, slowly, Lavi felt able to think coherently once more, though there was still a hollow sensation, as if a part of him had been forgotten in the Ark. Yet, the story had given him something to think about when he felt his mind working once more... All that had heard and also about what he was sure he had felt during the evolution of his Innocence; when Allen had told him about Apocryphos and also what had truly happened to Suman Dark, he had felt a shiver. He had never thought about the possibility of Innocences having some sort of awareness, let alone feelings, for their accommodators.
And yet, he knew. What he had felt had been his Innocence, cradling his soul.
Curiously, when he had been left alone with Bookman, he hadn't wanted to ask about the creature Allen had seen or even if the old man knew anything. It was too much to assimilate to engage in a conversation on the subject right away... Allen arrested, the Noahs rescuing him, Apocryphos... And as if that wasn't enough, the Exiled and that Noah girl, Raz.
Besides, though his strength was coming back quicker than what would be considered normal taking into account what had happened, he was still far from being up and about again and weariness still grabbed his insides.
"So, any idea where we shall go, then?" Bookman asked from his bed, not giving signs of what he thought about the whole ordeal. "Since we won't go back to the Order..."
They had been warned of such as well and Lavi had no idea what to think about it... He had grown too used to the life of Exorcist, something Road Kamelot had realized when "playing" with him in the Ark. On another hand, knowing what had happened, about Apocryphos' existence and what had been done to Allen had created a bitter taste in his mouth from which he couldn't get free.
As someone from the Bookman lineage, he should keep himself apart from such cases. People were just ink, figures whose acts were dots in the great history of humanity, and only facts that did influence the course were of true value. A historian shouldn't involve himself, but to stay away and just record what happened, letting the natural course to take shape...
Lavi wondered whether or not he could continue like this...
He had already, many and many times, take this role of registering and had done with perfection, with no emotion caused by the events.
Not now...
Human history had been pushed aside now in favor of a friend who had been treated as a criminal and now was seen as an enemy by the same home he had fought for.
"You shouldn't feel like this." A voice, too alike to that of his other "self" that Road had used to attack him mentally, whispered. He was too tired to react to that now.
"Not that traveling… With such an attractive company won't be pleasant" He tried to joke again if just to shut that voice up and to try and ignore that bitter feeling that he had brought from the Ark. He didn't want to seem weak, didn't want anyone to go away carrying an image of him suffering.
He had never liked that.
"Is he always like that?" Lauren asked, unable to fully hide a playful smile, still holding the new golem. Kanda, sitting at a corner with his elbow leaning on his knee, twisted his mouth and Allen shrugged.
"Oh, you get used to it…"
After they talked a little more about their plans, they decided to leave both of them to sleep. The Exorcists had to leave already and said goodbyes to Lavi and Bookman, while promising they would see each other soon, lamenting they couldn't stay longer until they were both fully recovered...
It didn't take more than a couple of minutes for Lavi to fall asleep. Bookman, in his turn, remained half seated in the bed, back against the wall, reflecting on all that had happened. He couldn't say he was completely happy with the situation... Yes, he was glad to be out of the Ark and the Noahs, but there was the matter of his record. Those were quite unprecedented events: He had never even heard about that small group that named themselves Exiled (though they were of small importance considering the greater scheme of the war), just like there was also nothing in the previous records about, at some point in history, a Noah becoming an Exorcist's ally.
Or Innocence's Accommodator might be perhaps the better term in Walker's case now.
Yes, the logic was that the Fourteenth had known Cross, but their relationship had remained too wrapped in shadows to be firmly classified as friends in the record.
There was also the fact to consider that he had missed events of great importance to be remembered and how now he would be forced to go with that group when he was supposed to record the war this time from the Order's side. Nothing about that went accordingly with the plans and the loss of info was something severe for a Bookman...
They were supposed to report that war from the Order's point of view, as they were the human's side. That was all that mattered, nothing else...
Yet, he was no fool. He knew he couldn't record anything if he was dead.
The groan of the old door opening a little called his attention.
It was the Exiled, Samuel Kallen.
He took a moment to look at Lavi, making sure he was asleep before he looked at Bookman with an inscrutable gaze and, with movements of the panther he seemed to be under the human skin, he approached his bed with arms crossed, studying the old man.
"Are you going to give us any trouble, wanting to go back to the Order?"
Well, the man was direct to the point. Bookman couldn't deny this was something he did appreciate, contrary to people who tended to beat around the bush. From what he quickly noticed from such an attitude, the man either didn't take enjoyment from continuing whatever pathless journey he and his friends had with people who had not chosen to leave the Order by themselves or there was something more going on.
Perhaps a mixture of both.
"There isn't much of a choice, I would say." He measured his words with caution, as he was not sure of what to do about the recent developments. If any rescue was to be made, Bookman would have thought it would have been made by the Order. Now, regardless of what he thought or felt, the situation remained out of his control. "So, I think we'll go with you."
At least he could still record a hidden part of that war and the development of Allen Walker, he supposed, as he had not forgotten what Hevlaska had said about the boy becoming a Destroyer of Time. He wasn't ungrateful for being alive, for what they had done and the risk taken, but the Record of History was the most important thing for a Bookman.
Samuel raised his eyebrows and a shadow of disdain passed by his eyes, as if feeling the nature of the old man's thoughts and disliking them immensely.
"Perhaps we should make something clear..." He said with a softness that was almost like honey and vanilla. Bookman did not listen to it, he listened to what was underneath the tone and the sharpness in the man's face "I do not like you."
It was Bookman's turn to raise his brow, but he didn't have time to express how it didn't affect him or to ask in what sense. Samuel merely carried on.
"I do know a little about the Bookman lineage. Enough to not have the tiniest sympathy for it." There was no doubt as he spoke that he had only helped in that whole ordeal because no one deserved to be left to the Noahs' mercy (or lack of, thereof). And, well, also because he wouldn't have let Allen do that alone. He remembered the boy, standing near the white piano, giving them a chance to go back. "You care more for that record than for people's lives. So, what I want to make clear here is that if you make things hard for us, trying to go back to the Order because of this oh-so-precious historic register, then you'll be placing my friends at risk… And that's where I come in. Understand?"
Bookman just stared back at him, knowing this was not an empty threat. It wasn't the first time he met one of the few people who had some idea of what the Bookman lineage was and despised it. However, he was not an idiot and knew that returning to the Order might cause… Complications for himself as well. If that wasn't the case, he would be already planning on how to get away from those people. As it was, he needed to keep the records safe no matter what.
The Bookman lineage was Guardian of Human History, after all.
"Perfectly." He replied in the same tone. Usually, he would just let it go, wouldn't have cared, but the man's words about the lineage and his cold eyes somehow incited him to say more. "And I don't expect you to understand, but this record is of extreme importance. Do you have any idea of how many things would have been lost if it wasn't for us? The study of pyramids, the Library of Alexandria? We have struggled for ages to not let humanity's knowledge to fall into the darkness, to keep the history of how humans change this world. Of course, someone like you wouldn't grasp it, but..."
Samuel didn't seem the least impressed and surprisingly, gave a low chuckle, his throat trembling with the sound it produced. That did not interest him, considering that same lineage stood aside and let the most atrocious things happen, merely making notes of it and not even blinking an eye to the lives that had been lost in the way. With the focus they had in that damn record, they could be stubborn as hell and they were facing enough risks as it were.
"Is this a joke?" He asked and it seemed he would have crossed his arms, shouldn't one of them be in a sling. The teacher-like tone of the old man only served to make the old speech more pathetic in his opinion. Perhaps he should have left, he had already had his say, but he couldn't help to stay there. "The great Bookman lineage, always standing aside, recording history without actually taking part in it..." His black eyes gleamed in the direction of the old man as he gave a moment to emphasize how this sounded to him. "So… You record human history but disregarding the human factor?"
Samuel raised his shoulders, indicating that whatever answer the old man had to it, in the end, had no meaning whatsoever. Many of the people of that lineage had been in positions where they could have done something to help others and save innocent lives, yet they did nothing, letting those things happen and calling it "natural course"...
"History is made of facts, not emotions." Bookman said between teeth. "We can't become external influences, we are to take care of…" As far as Samuel was concerned, the old man could talk until his tongue rotted, but there was nothing natural about war, about those who burned others' houses for no reason than their color or status, about people who were sent to concentration camps for no other reason than being born. No one should look at cities shattering under bombs, creating rivers of blood and tears, and call it "natural course".
He remembered something his father had told him when he was younger and that had followed him through all his life: For evil to succeed, what it needed was for people to look away and do nothing.
"What about the people who changed things because they believed in peace? The soldiers who refused to kill innocents?" Did this man actually believe human history to be devoid of emotion? To be something as exact as a math equation?
He just stared at him, knowing they wouldn't ever understand or agree with each other. That was something he could accept as a fact, just as he believed he and his friends didn't need that old idiot trying to constantly run away to get in contact (bad) or going back (worse) to the Order…
"What good is to record history and study it, if you don't learn from the mistakes of the past? If you don't remember those who were slaughtered in wars and genocides? Your record takes those people and reduces them to numbers, not faces." He managed to keep the scorn out of his voice. Maybe Bookman was right and he did not understand his lineage… But while he might not be a historiographer by any means, there were things he did understand about it all the same. "You know, you can see people as mere ink in the paper, as you say so yourselves. And that only the great acts that change history are of any value... But those people you call ink... They have blood, they have flesh. They leave behind others who remember them as humans and who cry for their deaths. Even those whose deaths are a relief... They existed."
He gave his back to Bookman, turning to look at him from the door.
"You're more ink than they are" He spoke lowly, more to himself than anyone else, their eyes crossing in the manner of knives against knives. "And you're going to die alone."
XxX
"Only a little more and I guess they will be okay to travel." Elana had the best smile of the doctor she had been unable to become, being merely professional rather than trying to offer the comfort of a friend. And at least it was indeed what she hoped that would happen.
"The Innocence got rid of whatever it was inside him and Bookman seems to be quite better." She carried on, her eyes going to each of the Exorcists. The impression that had grown in those few days had been that they were kind people, but even so, Elana knew better than to trust first impressions alone. When it came down to risks to freedom and survival, human beings were like any animal that has known the iron of a cage.
"We... We'll try to keep in contact..." Krory hesitated, wanting to ignore the wish to stay, no matter how he knew it was not possible, at least not yet. For now, the better help they could offer would be from inside the Order. The spark in his eye didn't pass unnoticed to Alison... She knew the sound of lines breaking, each extremity starting a symphony of its own that at times managed to survive by themselves and in others, entered in conflict.
Her personal opinions aside, she took it as a positive signal. It helped to know those people truly had more loyalty towards Allen than to the organization, at least enough to cause such conflict. Someone might reprimand her for having doubts after all that had happened, but Alison wasn't someone that would stop or deny her own nature and would much rather keep that flame of mistrust alive.
"Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." Lauren sometimes would say when jokingly accused her of excessive caution. With time, this had become an inner joke of the group, thought its roots remained in seriousness.
"We too, should anything happen." Lauren promised, managing to sound friendlier than Elana, though she also had the same seeds of doubt reacting with other feelings. Those people didn't seem bad and honestly, she had even allowed herself to enjoy their company at a personal level somewhat.
It had been easier to accept Allen because he was like them, someone who couldn't go back to the Order and who had felt (and been) betrayed by it. Even Kanda had spent quite a time with them and had had to return merely by accident...
With the others, it was another story completely.
Kanda interrupted her with a growl.
"Oi, only in extreme cases. I've told this to the baka Moyashi already." And he indicated Allen with his head, referring to when he had contacted him at night in the Order. If they were not more careful with it, it would all be lost and it wouldn't be of any help if they started to use that frequency all the time as a bunch of gossiping little girls. Allen rolled his eyes as if untouchable by such terms.
"It was a serious matter and it's Allen, Bakanda."
Marie held back a chuckle with the usual exchange between them, where there was no real hostility (though both would deny it if he said that) and Elana shook her head with a smile, also already used to the way those two treated each other. She would have been able to say they were best friends, if she didn't know they would both deny it vehemently and Kanda would probably have threats to say.
Alison gestured with her head before shaking hands with the Exorcists, still in a reserved way, and didn't break eye contact with any of them, even Lenalee.
"It was nice to meet you all…" Miranda said upon shaking hands with Samuel, who nodded. The woman had sensibility enough to see beyond the politeness and realize they didn't receive complete trust from those people and also knew she would have felt the same, were she on their side of the line.
"Take care of each other, alright?" He said, marked by seriousness. "They will be quite irritated."
No need to ask whom he was referring to. The Noah Clan wouldn't take well the whole ordeal. None of them needed to think much about it to reach the conclusion that all of them, especially the Millennium Earl, would be furious...
"Yes. You take care as well, okay?" Krory replied as Miranda shook hands with Raz, giving her a sweet, tentative smile. None of them had truly talked after what had happened in the chapel or about what Raz had confessed, but though her nerves still convulsed when in contact with the girl's skin, the image of her wasn't so easily related to that of Road now and fear backed away a little. It was almost ironic, since the girl had confessed murder, but Miranda hadn't forgotten how she had confessed it.
Raz said nothing, but a glimpse of gratefulness indicated to Miranda that she appreciated how the older woman hadn't told anyone and also the comfort she had offered back then.
Allen still accompanied them through the broken path in front of the house until a certain point. He wouldn't stay for long either. He had managed to ask around a little in the town about circus, especially during gambling times, hearing that there was a traveling one in a city nearby, where he intended to go with Raz soon. It had been quite difficult to convince Johnny to stay with the others and meet later, but the man had finally accepted it as he knew a little more about medical aid and had to be there should Lavi or Bookman's condition suddenly change. Though worried, Johnny had finally agreed.
Allen admitted this insistence had been more a source of warmth that annoyance. Even now he couldn't get completely used to the pleasant sensation that Johnny had, despite all, ran away from the Order and joined the Exiled. He had come for him.
"And he really got into it." He reflected, thinking about how his friend had been excited working in the repair shop to help with the money, then talking about strategies to keep themselves hidden and steps of the travel...
The group, plus Allen, stopped at a certain distance from the house.
There was a dry silence, that dared to devour what it touched.
Miranda approached Allen, feeling her mouth like a desert before she dominated herself.
"We... We will see each other again..." She said, not truly wanting to make this a goodbye, no matter if this was what it was. Despite knowing that he was alright, the worry and regret remained.
"Of course we will!" Allen replied as if it was obvious. But none of them could feel the warmth of a promise to meet again. None of them could gather the shards of what had been broken, no matter if they held it so firmly that their hands bleed.
What is lost cannot be reclaimed.
Allen could still smile, but there was a subtle difference that many wouldn't have noticed. It was an expression born more of politeness than emotional bonds.
Even Allen couldn't find inside a firmness in which to support himself and from which he could adjust his own heart. Now he didn't know what to feel about those people he had called friends. He had wanted to keep calling them as such, but meeting them again had only revealed that he could not. There was no opium to make dormant the memory of being caged, of being alone, of drowning in darkness and scared...
They had abandoned him.
Not that he was forgetting the whole past. Their moments together, in which they had leaned on each other and become each other's strength, were still alive in him, pulsating with a fire of their own…
But did that mean the abandonment should be ignored? That the hurt should be put aside as something without value? He didn't want it, but the memories of happiness were now also marked by sadness.
He didn't know the answer to any of this.
"Allen..." Krory started, becoming quiet again for an instant. It wasn't that it was hard to apologize, it was knowing that they were nothing more than words that changed nothing. "I don't want to be the sort of people who hurts others, let alone my friends."
"Huh?" The Exorcist's words made Allen tilt his head to the side, vaguely confused and caught by surprise. Krory nodded to him, his dark eyes with a seriousness that was rarely seen on him unless he had his Innocence activated.
"If I was the sort of person who leaves his friend behind, then I was not a good person." The older one carried on and even if what he had to say could sound too sentimental, he couldn't care less, because it was the truth. Enough with the lies, be to himself or others. "You helped me when I was alone and when the time came, I didn't do the same. I had no intention of hurting you, but I did, so my intentions are of no matter."
Allen decided it was better to keep himself quiet. A traitorous little voice in his mind made him wonder whether Krory was being sincere or if he was just saying all this to feel better. He hated himself for allowing such a thought, but couldn't help it.
"We know, Allen," Miranda's tone was low, but firm. "That we can't change the past, but we also know that what we did... It was awful".
"You have apologized already" Allen muttered. "I..."
"Yes, you said that you forgive us." Lenalee completed with a sigh. "But it's not enough. I mean..."
"We mean that we talked about it." Marie interrupted, to which Allen was somewhat surprised. Kanda, on his turn, remained abnormally quiet. That was surprising, as it didn't match his usual behavior in front of talks of this nature.
What Kanda would never reveal, not even under torture, was that he had been frankly pissed off with the others' behavior. He had said nothing, but there had been no need.
"You forgive us and we're grateful. But from now on, we want to do something to deserve it." Not only the forgiveness, but the friendship.
What they had done was serious. And they would treat it as such.
Allen just felt hollow inside, body forgetting any possible reaction, forgetting how to work. Was there any answer to this? A part of him still wanted to say something kind, something good, but his vocal cords refused to move and his mind couldn't weave the words.
"I... I don't know."
That's was all he could say. The only truth left.
The others nodded, aware they couldn't ask for more than this, as sad as it was. They could only thank that Allen had said that he didn't know, didn't know if this would work of if there was a chance. But it was better than words of despise or a complete refusal.
"Nothing can go back to how it was before." Miranda muttered, not taking her eyes away from Allen and holding her hands in front of her body, for there was a strong desire to hug him and she wanted to respect the time he needed. "But it's like Krory said. To go back to how it was before also means to go back to being someone who abandons a friend. We don't want this."
"Even if it's all different... We still want to be your friends." Lenalee muttered.
Allen could only nod. Not an agreement, not to indicate that he wanted their friendship back, merely that he accepted those words... He accepted their feelings.
"Well..." Krory mumbled, noticing Kanda's iron gaze. "Take care, Allen..."
The other managed to shrug.
"Of course, Krory! You know I prefer a calm life with no complications."
Kanda grunted something about Lavi's influence and his comments or then the exhibition of the "usual lack of sense from the Moyashi."
When the Exorcists walked away by the path back to town, Allen still observed them for a while, before turning away. That emptiness hadn't been filled and he was still lost about what to feel regarding all that.
Things truly couldn't go back to how they were between them... And trying to pretend nothing had happened, that there never was hurt or neglect, it's just covering wounds that still bleed.
But that didn't mean something couldn't be born from those ashes, something perhaps stronger than before.
And that was alright.
Ana: C'mon, did anyone think I would actually kill Lavi off? His fans would tear me apart!
Lavi: You still hurt me like hell, you know.
Ana: Blame the Noahs and Fiidora, not me.
Lavi: You're the author!
Ana: On a note, I've made a ko-fi account. Ko-fi is a really great site where people can give support to others they like. Between college, searching for a job and taking care of my mom, things have been quite hard around here (not to mention Brazil's economy, like in many other places, has not been that great lately), so if you could give me a hand through the site, it would mean the world to me. The link is in my profile.
Lauren: I wonder if people even watch the news about your country.
Ana: They don't need to. You want news about here? I'll give it to you! Our politicians suck.
Allen: What's else is new?
Ana: Remember guys, if you like my fics you could also check my Deviantart page, there are illustrations of the fic and other things.
Tyki: What's next, "don't forget to like and subscribe"?
Ana: This is not youtube and... Wait, how do you even KNOW what youtube is?
jy24: Like I said, I couldn't kill Lavi... But that didn't mean I couldn't maim him a little.
Lavi: You're evil, you know that?
Ana: That was painful, but really necessary. From the beginning, I had the evolution of his Innocence planned like that.
Raz: Well, I'm... I'm grateful she didn't tell anyone...
Ana: Miranda has a heart of gold. Now Raz needs to tell the others... And we better hope the Noah Clan won't be too mad.
Tyki (creepy smile): Oh, dear, we're not "too mad"...
Sheryl (creepy smile 2): We just want to have a nice little chat with those people, that's all...
TEAM SasuNaruHina: That's a good question! No one else will braid Kanda's hair when he is asleep!
Kanda: Try and die.
Lavi: What can I say, it looks cute.
Kanda: That's it, I'll kill you!
Ana: We have to admire Lavi's courage. I don't know anyone else who would dare to do that to Kanda. Not much of the Noahs in this chapter either, but don't worry, they will have a lot of scenes in the future.
SeventhStar23: Oooh, I want the cookie! I do!
Wisely: And all her dignity is thrown out of the window.
Sheryl: Did she ever even had the dignity, to begin with?
Ana: Oh, screw you both! It's a cookie, damn it. I have to say, your reviews made me feel all warm inside... I admit that I hate the Order, but I wanted to keep the characterization as better as I could so I wanted to make things balanced. I'm glad I managed so!
Miranda: We're sorry, we really are!
Ana: Well, then work to not repeat the mistake and to show you learned with it. It's not like what they did was nothing, so I wanted to give it the importance I felt it was necessary. Yup, I really believe there are no right sides in a war.
Kanda: I wouldn't say quite that...
Ana: I'm so glad you got that. Indeed, even if we like the characters, I wanted to portray this as realistic as possible. As for Raz... Who knows when it's enough? And you're right about the self-hate thing...
Miranda: I couldn't help it to be scared, but at the same time... She didn't look quite dangerous right then and I just... I just didn't want to leave her alone.
Sheryl: Bonding with an actual Exorcist? BONDING WITH AN ACTUAL EXORCIST? That's it, I don't care, we're bringing her home and teaching her even if I have to break her apart!
Ana: Nice going, Sheryl, that's definitely going to be a nice family bonding time!
Sheryl: They are poisoning her! And what the hell is that of her following their God? That's enough!
Ana: Ugh, nice, he went all berserk...
Devit: Get Road back soon, she's the only one who can deal with him.
Ana: Give it time, Devit. Thanks! I really love David Phelps, his songs are always right in the feels and I felt that one was perfect for this chapter, with regret and hope. You have no idea how happy it makes me that it went well with the chapter. But it's like you said, in the end, who knows when forgiveness is truly earned?
Wisely: She shouldn't even be feeling bad!
Ana: On a note... No. If you keep feeling like hugging her then I really won't stop. Huhuhu. Well, yes. He is really thinking about this detail and yes, that is an important detail... But you'll have to wait to find out what it means!