Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man in any way, all credit goes to Katsura Hoshino.
Summary: Forced to leave the Order, Allen comes across a secret hidden in the depths of the Ark. Now, hunted by the Noah Clan and considered an enemy by the place he once called home, he has to search for the truth... The truth about Mana, Neah and himself. Where he came from and who he really is. Uncovering a web of illusions and doubts, Allen still moves forward as he promised to do... But what do you do in a war, when you feel like you don't belong to any side?
"Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are" – Soren Kierkegaard
Act Twenty-Nine – Killing Instinct
It was after the Exorcists left, while the old man and redheaded rested, that Raz confessed about the recalled memory... And what she had done.
It came to her, when the silence dominated the room they were in, that if such a thing had come to pass months ago, she might have never shared it with a single soul... Or more likely, she would have confessed to Allen and Allen alone... The girl didn't delay much in the idea. It made no difference to whom she would have told it months ago or if she would have at all. They weren't living in such times. They weren't in the past...
And yet, even so, that part of the past lived in her.
She couldn't bring herself to look at any of them after telling about the murders. All she could do was wonder how many people she had killed, how much more blood there was in her hands... And how could she ever have felt such pleasure from it.
What kind of creature was she?
She didn't know what reactions to expect either, remaining with her eyes turned to the ground. Although she had wanted to tell, refusing to have such secrets, it didn't make things at all easier.
The others heard her in that silence that carried on after the grotesque tale of blood. Samuel and Lauren exchanged glances briefly before looking at Raz again, none of them with an expression that could be evaluated with certainty.
Allen's mind was a vast white. At first, all he could do was to listen to how she spoke of Mana, but that last part had painted a violent and cruel portrait... He had expected that there was something of this nature in her past, of course, but it was too different to know something through an idea and to learn it through a fact.
"Raz..." It was Elana who first spoke, seriousness scarring her soft features. The young girl lifted her face to the blonde.
The sound of a slap whipped the room.
Alison let out an exclamation of surprise and Lauren was unable to do anything other than look from Elana to Raz, shocked with the uncommon behavior of the other. For an instant, a cry of anger touched Allen's throat before he regained control of himself.
Raz, however, remained still, face to the side, the pale face growing pink and then red.
"I do not know if anyone ever punished you for this, but I doubt it." Elana's voice was harsh. She never, ever had used such a tone with Raz before and the girl seemed to shiver more because of this than the slap. "Then, I think this is even not much, considering also how you killed those people."
"Hey, Ela..." Lauren started carefully, being ignored.
"There is no changing what you have done... You know this."
Raz nodded, in silence.
"You just went and killed those people, Raz. Something like that... You were... You were cruel." That to not use another word, if there was one that better described it. "Do you think that, whatever the reason the Earl had, it justifies it? Didn't you stop to think, even for a second, that nothing they might have done called for that?"
Raz said nothing, unable to look at the other.
"I didn't think so." Elana whispered, coldly. "You didn't even care at the time, did you?" There was no need to say she had been just like the rest of the Clan, uncaring, feeling righteous in their killings. Yet, as much as Elana knew some justice should be dealt, that something should be done, this wall the reprimand and conflict she stood to inflict on the other, as a mother who cannot punish the child enough, as necessary as it is. Elana sighed. What could she do? Raz knew what she had done and clearly regretted it, but this… This wasn't the same as justice.
There was silence for some moments. Allen couldn't help looking at her in anger, despite knowing she was right. Elana took a deep breath.
"I won't say it's alright. It's not. But... It doesn't mean we will stop liking you..."
Raz looked at her, some surprise escaping in her stone-blue eyes... Allen frowned a little, as it wasn't quite what one expected to hear after a slap in the face, but he could understand Elana's point of view, as much as he didn't agree with the action. It wasn't as if they liking Raz changed what she had done...
"She and the other Noahs too..." And he caught himself thinking about Suman Dark, devoured by the Tease, in all who had died in that war. He remembered the first time he had ever met Road and cried out how humanity's demise couldn't ever be the will of God, but of the Devil. She had merely shrugged it off, for it didn't matter to her which was which as long as humans died... And the other Noah also had no issues with expressing the same sadism. Sheryl had confessed it while winking, as though this was all but a fun game.
Where did such hate come from?
To say it was alright would say that those lives had no value, that the pain caused didn't matter.
Raz remained in silence.
Johnny could only watch the scene without knowing what to say. He couldn't deny that with the passing of days, he had sort of grown used to the Noah's presence, which had made him almost forget what she was and what she could have done... The way she kept a human appearance was clearly a factor, it made it easier to dismiss that underneath the pale skin, there were ashes and black scars.
What she had told them seemed to have been done by someone else, in another life. Raz told them she had enjoyed that destruction, even when breaking apart a man's face beyond all possible recognition, however, what waved from her wasn't something belonging to a sadistic person... Perhaps this was still inside her, but...
Raz did not touch her face but sustained the blonde's stare, her expression showing nothing but a strange serenity. Yet, coexistence made it so that Elana and the others felt the soft signals of what was going on inside her, the regret, and the shame.
For a moment, Elana wondered what else lurked in Raz, remaining hidden even from herself. She wasn't sure she was dealing with the situation properly, but even with the pain Raz had felt with the memory and also the death of the other Noahs, it didn't mean what she had done didn't deserve some sort of punishment... Of justice. The friends of her victims surely would have wanted to do more than merely slap her, no doubt.
Alison stepped towards the Noah.
"You regret it... This counts for something." She mumbled, also without any idea of what to say. "It isn't like you want to keep killing... I mean... Heck, I don't know."
Lauren sighed. Years ago, she had believed that murderers were undeserving of second chances and admitted that perhaps she was allowing her feelings to change her thoughts, but... Damn, it was Raz. She was obviously torn up by this, too… And, as Alison had said, this had to count for something, right?
"Personal defense, protecting your loved ones, it is one thing." She managed to say, admitting to herself, in a conscious way that she had never done before, that should she meet a Finder or anyone who could and would denounce her friends… She couldn't say for sure she wouldn't have killed the person if it was necessary. What Raz had done wasn't the same thing, not with those people having no Innocence or means to defend themselves...
"Wars turn all of us into killers." Samuel thought. As much as he despised that the old song of "we did as we were told, it was a war" so frequently used as justifications, as much as Raz's words made it clear that had been nothing short of assassination, he couldn't bring himself to hate her. And with this, he wondered that perhaps even the Earl had had reasons to send her and the other Noahs to do that.
"Yeah, like making akumas?" He couldn't help the sarcastic thought. "There is no reason for something like that and if there is, it wouldn't make it better."
Allen said nothing, merely placing his hand on her shoulder with a soft, sad smile.
"I don't want to ever feel something like this again." The girl thought to herself, her muscles heavy wrapped by the skin, weariness spreading in her blood.
To Raz's surprised, she wasn't treated hatefully after this. No one knew what to say for sure, but they still gathered their things normally and ate together, discussing where and when they could meet, the use of the new golems... The revelation of her acts, though shocking, hadn't poisoned their relationship as she had feared and, contrary to rejecting her, the others made it clear she could talk about it with them if she wanted, subtlety showing concern with how she would be reacting, not wanting that memory, the first she recalled with clarity, to become a plague in her mind.
They spent time like this until the following morning, when things were ready and she and Allen ready to leave.
Considering they were after a traveling circus, it was better to hurry up, since they weren't sure for how long it would remain on the neighbor town. Perhaps it was the same circus where Allen had grown up. If not, perhaps the people there knew about it. In a way or another, it worked as a clue.
Lavi and Bookman still needed to rest for a while more until they could travel, so the others would remain using that house until then.
The old man had displayed no sort of opinion or feeling towards the presence of a Noah, but Lavi couldn't help his reaction of discomfort, her human appearance non-standing. There was no surprise in this and Raz kept her distance, in both respect and for not wanting him to feel threatened. There had been a surprise when he had once tried to smile at her (though he had barely been able to force the facial muscles into the shape of one).
"I don't know how to thank you guys." He said, gaze going to each one of the presents. While there was no physical difference, his eye was not the same as Allen recalled. There were scars hiding beneath it and stiffness, a roughness that didn't match his face. An old eye on a young face.
He held Lavi's hand with his red fingers. Lavi still stared at him, not blinking.
"I mean it, Allen... I... I owe you one…" Allen held his friend's hand strongly, trying to transmit some warmth. This time, when Lavi tried to smile, it was closer to a real smile.
"Then never draw in my face when I sleep again." Allen risked a joke. To his relief, the sound that escaped Lavi's throat, while not a laughter, was lighter in its nature than his voice had sounded until now and a brief, pale glint in his eye when he lifted his hands in a gesture of innocence. His hair had grown in those months and fell over his shoulders in uneven strands.
"Oh, I can't promise that..."
Allen shook his head, pretending that there was no hope for his friend.
"You never learn…" And he turned to the others, pointing at Lavi with his thumb. "You heard him, take care. Lavi can be a big kid when he wants to."
Lavi just pushed him, as if playing around... But Allen felt the weakness of the gesture, less than a push and more like a simple touch, something out of a poor play. As his arm came to rest at his side again, Allen saw the black marks in his arm, which he had seen Lavi looking at, the signals that his Innocence had left upon evolving... Lavi had not entered details of what he had felt and Allen didn't know how to address the subject or even if he should… It felt like something personal and hallowed, the sort of secret that could only be whispered under the moonlight, something that belonged more to the realms of nature than to the world Man had made for himself.
Lavi wasn't sure he would ever be able to explain either.
"But I think I understood one thing about the Innocences... Something Allen always knew... Without knowing he did."
"Just try to not get yourself killed..." Lavi said when Allen was at the door and lifted a closed fist, trying to sound alright, trying to ignore the aching inside. "And if this Fourteenth tries to cause problem, kick his ass."
"Well, I think that if I don't, you will end up forgetting you should be resting and chase me down just so you can strangle me."
"That's right." The other replied at once, knowing this was a hidden incentive, a way of saying "get well soon", to not allow that darkness to devour him through his memory. There was a moment of silence in which their eyes touched and this communication passed through them, Lavi nodded.
Yes... Allen always said he would keep going. If they looked behind, they were lost.
While they left them and walked down the stairs, Allen felt a little better. At least Lavi had tried to react to the joke as he always did, though Allen could see it was something born more of instinct than true humor... For an instant, Allen remembered how he had nicknamed Link "Two Spots" and held a chuckle, imagining if he would end up giving some nickname to someone of the group...
It would be a signal of recovering...
"Lavi seems strong…" Lauren commented, not being fooled by the other's attitude either, but rather referring to how Lavi clearly wanted to get better, refusing to be chained to the Ark through memories. The girl shivered to think of what the Clan had done to him during his time at their mercy.
"Oh, that he is... I don't doubt he will recover sooner than you expect…" Physically, yes. Mentally, he didn't know. No one had pushed him for details and Lavi didn't ever touch the subject, as it was expected. Allen had no idea if this could help him or not and from what he could see, neither did the others.
"Remember when I told you guys about the Battles in the White Ark?" Allen mentioned. "He was able to wake from Road's Dream all by himself!"
They stopped at the door, sunlight falling over them with the promise of a nice day. They knew it would be faster if Allen and Raz went by themselves, but it didn't make the separation any easier. Last time, it had been a little before Allen going over to Mother's... A long time had passed since then...
To Allen, the idea of going after the circus where he had met Mana wasn't at all like visiting Mother, in every sense of the terms. And though her motives weren't the same, Raz wasn't in a better mood.
"We will see each other again soon, right?" Johnny asked, not hiding his anxiety. He hated the idea of leaving them to go there by themselves, once he had sworn that he would never leave Allen again, but the boy had insisted too much that he stayed to help with Lavi and Bookman (both could feel more at ease with someone they knew around). Johnny had accepted it, but wasn't happy about it.
"Of course, it is just..." Allen shrugged. "You know, we need to do this."
"Call us, always!" Samuel said again with his deep voice, messing Allen's hair. Once they had the golems, they could at least get in contact more easily and worry a little less. However, they couldn't forget that among them, Allen and Raz were the ones being most targeted. He had warned the Exorcists how the Clan would be furious and couldn't imagine the reactions towards Allen and Raz... With the Clan, one never knew what to expect. "Good luck..."
Allen gave a weak smile, a sort of guilt in his eyes that transmitted more than words. Luck seemed to be something he never had and, taking notice of this gaze, Lauren held a giggle and shook her head.
"Take care of Allen, okay Raz?" She hugged the Noah. "His "luck" is a trouble-magnet."
"Hey!"
"And you take care of her." Lauren winked, going to hug the boy, who couldn't suppress a chuckle as he petted her head. A part of him couldn't help but compare how different it was saying goodbye to them was from saying so to Lenalee and the others...
It was just as much the situation as his feelings on the matter. He had told Lenalee he would always be an Exorcist, but...
He didn't feel like that anymore.
A warmth that had nothing to do with body temperature brought him back to reality when Elana hugged him. He responded holding her just as tightly.
"Take care, okay?" She whispered before backing away just enough so they could look at each other, the boy having to lift his face to do so. She kissed his forehead. "At least try to not look for trouble..."
"I never search for trouble! It searches for me!" Allen couldn't help the reply, earning some laughs as Elana shook her head in the way of someone who is before a lost cause, then turning to Raz, embracing her as well, caressing her head and whispering at her ear.
"Just do your best... You're better than you were before."
XxX
The door appeared before them, blooming from particles in the air, taking the shape of a heart with a golden frame that culminated in a crown at the top. Such details, as well as the black and red diamond pattern, frequently made Tyki think about "Alice in Wonderland" and he wouldn't have been surprised if the inspiration had come from it.
Sheryl made a sound of relief as the door opened, barely giving a glimpse to what sort of place laid beyond it (a world of silent storms?) as its mistress crossed it, her face adorned by a smile that could appear due to a fun game as much as due to the screams of someone being broken apart like a doll.
"Hello! Did you miss me?"
No one had time to reply, as Sheryl hugged the girl, lifting her in his arms, cooing paternally how he had missed his "little girl" and asking if Road was truly alright now and how happy he was to see her.
The Noah of Dreams made no effort to get free from the embrace, perhaps aware of how useless it would be and just smiled.
"Oh, I'm fine, daddy!" She said in a soft tone that always melted Sheryl, turning her face to the others.
"Good to have you back, Road." Tyki greeted her before approaching and messing her dark hair. Though his relief upon having her back was as strong as Sheryl's, he and the others had better self-control... Or, in some cases, were more restrained in their demonstrations of affection.
What they felt was no different than that of a family whose member had just woken from a long comatose.
"I say it, perhaps now your "daddy" will stop driving us nuts..." Devit mocked, nodding in a solemn way, the effect ruined by how his brother giggled and repeated "nutsy-nutsy" in a sing-song way. Sheryl ignored them, still holding Road in his lap. The girl just tilted her head to the twins with an "oh?" expression.
"Hee, it was every day!" Jasdero confirmed, fighting to keep a serious expression and having less success than Devit. "We couldn't stand it anymore, hee!"
"You guys grew your hair out!" Road noted with some admiration in her voice, also ignoring the teasing. Devit rolled his eyes while Jasdero held his head proudly, his hair falling on his back. Road, on another hand, boasted no changes in her appearance. The time she spent in her Dream didn't affect her body and Tyki couldn't help but admire how she looked the same as when she had disappeared back in the night when they had rescued Walker...
Devit and Jasdero, despite their comments, had their faces shining with satisfaction at having her back.
"Eaarl~!" Road suddenly got free from Sheryl and with moves that would have shamed a cat, threw herself against the Patriarch's neck in a strong hug, laughing. The man was not bothered by the display, quite the contrary, and returned the embrace with the same intensity, holding her in his strong arms with the same easiness he would do with a doll, caressing her hair.
"Sooo, what have I missed in those months?" She looked at him and then to the others, a hungry glint in her golden eyes.
Tyki sighed to himself. This wouldn't be easy... Wisely, however, chuckled before her question.
"Road… A lot has happened…" The Earl said gently, to which Road looked back to him with a cold curiosity coming alive in her eyes as she took note of the Earl's tone and the feelings underneath it, even if her smile shivered when she looked to the others, clearly expecting the details.
She didn't have to ask.
"Oh, geez, let's see... Our prisoners were "rescued", the Innocence of one of them burned Fiidora's worms..." Devit started sarcastically, soon receiving a cold glare from Lulubell and Toraido, which he ignored. There was no real humor in his expression and the room grew cold, denouncing a fury that, while intense, was patient enough to wait the propitious moment to take action.
Tyki could see in Road's eyes that she was already having ideas of how to play with the responsible ones.
"Raziah is alive, Road." Wisely cut in.
Road turned to him, her anger forgotten in favor of surprise.
There was a moment of silence, in which some of the others' curiosity was teased. They had no idea of how Road would take that.
"What did you just say?"
"Raziah is alive." Wisely carried on, not giving a hint of emotion. "And she is traveling with Walker."
XxX
Raz waited by the path leading outside of the town while Allen was in an old-looking store, asking for specific directions. She had preferred to wait sitting in a rock at some distance, reflecting briefly that this wasn't a busy road... Up until now, she had seen just one cart passing by.
This notion was a mere blink, her mind turning back to what she had remembered with the care of someone entering a field of poisonous flowers... It wasn't only the slaughter that took her mind, but also the conversation with Mana and Neah. Perhaps it was because it was the first real memory to emerge and, for this, it was surrounded by a fragile and sweet sheet, a secret of crystal.
But it wasn't only that and the girl was well aware.
"We planned to travel together..."
It had been a promise, their promise, something precious between them. It was theirs. An idea of a future where this would be possible. Not in travels motivated by missions, not with the roads ending in blood, but just traveling and exploring...
She recalled Neah kidding and calling his brother "Walker" in reply to the other expressing how he would like to travel, so much he wouldn't mind if it was by foot... A dry chuckle was born in her body, being shattered by other sensations and dying before it was born.
"And he used that name…" Somehow, though this was her only memory of Mana, there was some comfort in this. Perhaps he had tried to keep some connection with those days, even if they belonged in a gray past, perhaps they still had some value to him...?
And Neah?
Raz felt a shiver in her blood echoing in her nerves.
She couldn't understand it. All she knew was that she had felt a great care for the Campbell twins. This was a feeling that had never been forgotten, it had just nestled itself in the ashes of memories as it waited for the ideal circumstances to reveal itself. She knew it in her soul, as a baby knows its mother even with just a few months of age, that they had been best friends, always together and... And...
And Neah had killed the family...
Had tried to kill her...
"Mana… Neah…"
Had... Had it been something they had done? Or... Or had he tried to kill her for some other motive?
Had she done something?
The promise they had was no longer worth anything to him?
Had Neah... Had he hated her so much to the point of wanting her dead?
Raz watched the clear skies for a second.
Neah was dead. Mana was dead.
Underneath her skin, her body carried fine shards of glass. The faces of Mana and Neah danced with those of people she had murdered, the voices of Alyera and Luston echoing in her skull along with cries of pain...
Mana and Neah... Had they known of this? Oh, what a silly question. They were there, with the Clan, of course they knew what had happened. Had they loved her even so? Didn't they care for what she did?
The thought twisted her stomach. She hadn't cared...
"Mana... Neah…" The mourning was only inside her, along with all the things she couldn't escape from. Her mind repeated the names, like a charm, like a prayer.
Tsumetai namida wo tataete – When you are overflown with cold tears
Toki ga michiru koro – And when the time is up
Anata wa hikari wo sagashite – You will probably have sought the light
Yami wo hiraku darou – And shattered the darkness
The song came as naturally as a heartbeat. She had no idea if it was born now of if she had known it before, but accepted it anyway, just as so many other things. She hugged her legs.
Why was the sun shinning?
It was cold.
Neah had been composing something that night... It wasn't "Tsunaida Te Ni Kiss Wo", this she knew. Had he finished it? How many days they had had together until it all had shattered?
Had Neah already been planning to kill them that night? Had Mana been aware? Behind the smiles of that night, had they despised her?
Had they ever seen the snowdrops in their garden?
"Neah is inside Allen…" There was no controlling the thought... Like the question made by instinct and not words if there was any light that could be searched by a Noah.
Yes, Neah was inside Allen...
But it was not the same thing.
Akane no utagoe – The scarlet singing voice
Sono mune wo somete yuku – Slowly dyes your chest the same color
Eien ni kogarete – As if it is an eternal yearning
Chiriisogu shirabe no you ni – And swiftly disperses the melody
Mana was dead.
Alyera was dead. Lustol, too.
Neah was dead.
Their promise was shattered, reduced to nothing.
"You killed people, hurt families..."
Wasn't there a certain justice that it had happened to her family, then?
The skin in her hands recalled the touch of blood, the face she had touched briefly before willing her shadows to break it apart. And for an instant during which reason slipped away, Raz could almost feel that red drops were impregnated in her skin, as a red curse.
Disgusting.
She was disgusting.
Like Allen, she didn't know what had happened or how Neah had come to possess the boy, but none of those answers would change how he… He wasn't supposed to be in this world anymore…
No matter how much she wished she could see him or Mana again...
Even if just for a moment...
Neah...
He had no right to do this to Allen.
He had no right to steal his life, as it seemed to be his intention. At that moment Raz knew she would remain at the white-haired boy's side, even if it came down to stand against the one who was… Who had been her best friend.
Neah had been her brother as much as Allen was now.
Neah was dead. Allen was alive...
Cold fingers played the chords of her interior, which contracted in response.
Kagayaku sora no shijima ni wa – In the stillness of the shining sky
Watashi no niwa ga aru – Is my backyard garden
Itsuka anata ga tadoritsuku – And someday, you will finally reach
Migiwa no kanata ni – The other side of the shore
The verses tasted of irony. There was no garden to be found and whatever shine there could be beyond the sky was out of her reach... And what happened, when Noahs died? The power and instincts awakened in someone else, of course, but what about them?
Images of blood danced in her eyes with mockery and Raz could hear the echo of laughter... And she felt completely like the damned creature the Order believed her kind to be. What if she missed that sensation? What if she still liked it?
"Please, I don't want to be a monster..."
But there was a whisper in her. A low whisper, whose words weren't clear, only the meaning. Raz had been able to ignore, had slowly become able to restrain the desire that had been born in the night she had been able to tear Apocryphos' feathers from Allen's arm...
That was the desire to spill blood. To turn to anyone who was touched by Innocence and tear the skin apart, expose the nerves and...
"Please, no..."
She had been able to control that. Yet the whisper had been present, had always been there, just pulsating with more strength in some moments rather than others...
Now it was more than a whisper...
She didn't want to be a monster.
But she didn't know what she truly was either.
Tsuki wo mamoru yoru no yami ga – The night's darkness, while guarding the moon
Sasayaku komuriuta – Whispers a lullaby on and on
Nakanai kodomo no hitimi ga – Until the eyes of the children
Yume ni nureru made – Who no longer cry, become soaked in dreams
There were no more songs.
No more gardens.
Her night had grown silent, when it wasn't filled by whispers of bones moving and in both cases, she was lost and alone...
Why had all of this happened? How had it come to this?
From instinct, along with that ever-bleeding wound, came the knowledge that Neah's actions were unprecedented... Perhaps, taking into account how they killed without a care, this was something others would consider ironic, but that was true: Never before a Noah had tried to hurt, let alone kill, another Noah.
Alyera blushing gently. Lustol concentrated on his experiments. She would never see them again. She would never hear their voices again. She tried to hold on to the image of their faces, the sound of their voices, suddenly fearing they would fade.
Had they had the chance to speak to each other, to spend a little more time together before Neah killed them?
"The people you killed had such a chance?"
Sayonara – Farewell
Nidoto wa aenai anata dakara – Because I will never see you again
Itoshiku kuruoshiku – I feel like my chest is being hollowed out
Yoru wa mune wo eguru you ni – By the nigh, deadly and madly
She felt something biting behind her eyes as a shiver crawled up her throat. Her nails went against the fabric of her pants, the pressure reaching the flesh of her legs.
"I'm the only one left..."
Of the three, only she was alive… Only she was traveling... Only she was exploring the world, even if the motivations were not those she, Mana and Neah had desired.
Their promise would never be fulfilled.
Her whispering voice failed her for a moment and the tone died a little more until it became less than a breeze that only she could hear when she hid her face in her knees.
Kagayaku sora no shijima ni wa – In the stillness of the shining sky
Anata no ie ga aru – Is your home of return
Tsuki no ochiru yami no mukou – Beyond the darkness where the moon sinks
Minamoto e kaeru – Is the narrow path that leads you
Hosoimichi – Back to the beginning
"Raz?"
Her face lifted with surprise, as she hadn't noticed Allen approaching, his head inclined to the side in an attempt to see her face, his features marked by such a sincere worry that she couldn't react for a moment, just leaning her chin in her knees, face half hidden by her arms.
"Hey..." The boy muttered, his hand landing in her shoulder. The gentleness of his touch seemed to bring reality back to her senses. "What are you thinking about?"
Such a direct question, Allen knew perfectly, would have been useless if made by someone else. It wasn't in Raz to externalize what happened in her. Asking about it would probably only work to make her retract to herself even more... However, Allen already knew it wasn't the same with him.
The girl raised her head more, turning to him. Someone passing by would only see that untouched serenity, maybe only a vague touch of melancholy... Allen saw her face, her posture, the subtlety of her eyes, and thought it was cruel that she was beautiful in her grief.
"Mana. And Neah... And everything else…" Her whisper made Allen hesitate. He hadn't personally spoken to her about this yet. He couldn't help some excitement of perhaps knowing a little more about his father, as Mana had never talked of his life previously to their meeting and, like many children, Allen had almost always seen Mana as someone who had always been an adult, always a traveling pierrot... And in the few times Mana mentioned some past, it was always regarding this lifestyle, which only strengthened such childish impression.
Allen hadn't even known he had a brother until Cross had told him.
Yet, he felt bad about it, seeing how it pained her as much as everything else she had recalled and this was all that mattered. His hand caressed her shoulder, trying to soothe her.
"I'm here with you…" He said in a low tone, then holding her hand as she slid off the stone, the anklet he had given her ringing briefly when she stood at his side. She looked at him for a moment with gratitude.
As they took the road, the sun didn't seem to touch either of them.
"Look, Raz, it is like Elana said. I don't know if anyone has the answers for this, but you don't want to kill anymore." It didn't mean much when they were in this long play, in which the sound of blood being spilled was the norm, this he knew. And he also had his own memories regarding what he knew of the Noahs' bloodlust. "I agree, it doesn't mean things are just alright, but you know, you... You are someone different now."
He wanted to say something that would make her feel better, but he knew he couldn't do so while casting aside what she had done. To dismiss it would have been unfair and cruel to those she had killed and he knew Raz had no interest in comforting words that were also unreal. Allen could see the self-loathing that was in her, a putrid flower taking hold of her organs.
Perhaps Allen was being selfish, but he didn't want to see her like that, whatever the reasons she or the Earl had had in the past.
Raz wasn't at all convinced and had nothing to say, but she was thankful for his honesty.
For some seconds, she remained in silence until she whispered.
"I wonder… Why Neah wanted to kill us…"
Allen considered, truly wanted, to tell her what Road had confided in him so many months ago: That Neah had fought for Mana. What stopped the words from forming was what the girl had whispered before retracting herself to her dimension, that this was a secret... And as such, Allen didn't feel in the right to repeat it. Not that those words held much meaning for him... Besides, from what Raz had told him, Mana had been accepted by the Clan, despite being human.
He was as confused as she was.
Perhaps those words, then, would be of no help.
"Me too, Raz, me too..." Despite this, the Earl didn't seem to hate Neah. When Johnny had cried out why he acted in such a way when the Fourteenth had tried to kill him, the Noah Patriarch's reply had been that he just wanted to be with the Fourteenth.
Now Allen had to admit he… Admired this, in some way. He had no idea how the other Noahs felt, but to see that the Earl still seemed to care for Neah despite everything, even though he was a traitor... He didn't know if this familial love was healthy, but it impressed him all the same.
"Was it Neah who started to call him Walker?" He couldn't refrain the question in a soft tone, trying to change her focus to something that might be a little more pleasant. Raz nodded once more.
"Yes... It was... It was a joke between us." She shrugged one shoulder and some softness returned to her manners. "Mana... Mana always said he wanted to travel, even if by walking... Neah laughed. I mean, we all wanted to travel together. Neah called him Walker and the name caught on…" She didn't know if this had been just between them or if it was the same for the others, or even if they had known about it. She had the vague impression they had...
"You were close friends." He whispered, starting to imagine how the days they had spent together had been. There was something nice to know Raz had been friends with his father, that she had been close to him. "Well... Mana traveled. I don't know for how long, but he did..."
The path cut the field ahead of them, a pale snake lazily sleeping among the green and Allen turned to the girl with some cheerfulness.
"And now, we're traveling. Together."
"Together..." She whispered back. Allen was satisfied to see the opaque veil that had worried him had recoiled a little from her expression when she asked. "Is the next city too far?"
"More or less... The store's owner told me there are a couple of crossroads in the way, but we only have to follow this road until a certain point, then turn right. We should be there by nightfall if we keep a firm pace..." He looked at the small map the man had scribbled in a paper by his request (Road had had good reason to ask if he had to get lost everywhere he went, as his sense of direction wasn't quite the best), without truly studying it. "Or if we get luck and a cart or something passes by, we could try asking for a ride."
"Do you think it is the circus you know?"
Allen took some seconds to reply, folding the map and placing it in his pocket.
"I don't know. But maybe... If it isn't, maybe they know where they are." Perhaps some workers would know it by name, maybe they knew the other's route (he was too young back then to know details of it, but didn't logic request that it was in each troupe's interest that different circus stayed out of each other's way?). He could only hope that they could get at least some information about it, as he didn't recall all the usual routes of the circus clearly. He was a child and the cities back then had nothing that made them stand apart. It was all the same.
And it wasn't as if he was allowed to walk around them anyway.
"Tell me about Mana?" She asked quietly.
"I thought I had told you everything...?" He smiled at her question, remembering how inexpressive she had been in the first weeks they had known each other, as if some part of her had forgotten how to express (or perhaps even how to feel) emotions.
Looking at her now, Allen knew no one would see the difference. It was either that cold serenity or a complete lack of expression that made her seem all the more a creature that dressed in human form, never able to fully mimic one...
But he knew it better, knew her better.
Seeing that curiosity in her, which had a sort of innocence to it, Allen couldn't help but feel some sort of warmth from the knowledge that Raz felt at ease to express herself like this to him. After their time together, he had also seen her slowly coming to trust the other Exiled, which had helped him to understand this particular trait of her.
Now that Allen thought about it, there was some vulnerability to allow someone to know your feelings like this, as if exposing your heart to be touched...
She trusted him. Like he trusted her.
"Only that he was your father and you traveled together. And a little about how you made street performances." Until Mana had died and the Earl had approached Allen. For a moment, the girl wondered if the Earl had known that it was Mana that night... She remembered Father Mana, who she had met in the same city as the Exiled. Maybe the Earl hadn't realized, after all, it wasn't as if "Mana" was an absolutely uncommon name, right?
"And he used the name Mana Walker. It is so obvious that it is perfect." Perhaps the Earl hadn't even stopped to think, to make the connection. So many things can pass by unnoticed when out of context that Raz wouldn't be surprised.
"Well... During the first performances, I was quite tense, I told you this, right?" Allen started, to which Raz nodded. "Mana helped me, he taught me how to juggle, to play the flute... It took me a while to get used to it... The first time... Oh, boy, I was so nervous! You wouldn't believe it!" He smiled at the memories.
"But I passed around the people, holding out a hat and when I saw the smiles and received some coins, I felt so good! I had never done something like this and yet, I was being recognized! Not because of my arm, but because of something good." It had been the first time such a thing happened to him and for a moment, Allen hadn't known how to react. Raz didn't need him to describe the nervousness in itself, as she had felt something quite similar when first performing with him.
"Mana must have thought this was lovely." She muttered as she thought about it.
"Oh, he did. At times I argued with him because of this... Because he had got in his head that I had to be a cute little clown." Allen laughed, recalling those days in which he knew nothing, Mana smiling and playing with him, even when Allen reacted in a skittish way. "I would get so angry, I mean, cute? But he would just laugh it off, even when I ranted."
Raz could barely hold a laugh of her own. It was a little weird to imagine Allen, always so polite, getting angry as any child who wanted to be seen as tough and expressing himself like that. It was somewhat adorable as well... And she could imagine Mana, messing his hair and fussing over him... She was almost sure this was how he would react, especially taking in Allen's description.
"It used to drive me insane. And he would just carry on, saying that was such a "cute little one", picking me up, even when I struggled." The reaction wasn't born of displeasure, it was just he didn't know what to do. No one had ever carried him like that and the only reaction possible was that of a street dog that was used more to being kicked than caressed.
"Mana was very gentle, Allen." This she knew. That only memory, someone might say, was not enough to cover affirmations like this and yet, Raz felt it, with no need to recall more moments with Mana. She knew it in his eyes, in his manners. "He rarely lost his temper..."
"That is true... You know, for a long time it surprised me how he never... You know, got angry with me." It wasn't quite what he had been about to say and Raz saw it. She also had a good idea of what he had meant to say as well.
"He had short hair when I met him." He added quickly to change matters, recalling how Raz had described Mana with long hair. "Well, maybe it made it was easier for him to use the clown wig, I guess. Hey, you know that button I got from the Earl? His coat had the same ones, with that mark... I..."
Suddenly, Allen stopped talking.
They had reached a crossing in the roads. Eyes had found each other.
There was a man there.
Short and dark hair. Black clothes. In his wrists, there were bracelets with a pattern in relief.
Chaozii Han.
For some instants, nothing happened. Time tends to stop on such occasions, several paths opening, and then closing when a movement is made. The Exorcist looked as surprised as Allen, neither of them had imagined meeting in such ordinary circumstances.
Then, the flesh of Chaozii's face twisted in hate.
It overflew from his eyes. Allen lifted his hands in a gesture that would have been calming at the same instant, feeling Raz tensing up at his side, but without making any sudden movements either.
"Chaozii..." He started, but the other's Innocence came alive as he trembled. Allen hurried up. "Wait, I don't want to fight..."
It shouldn't be something the other had expected to hear (if he had expected anything of a possible reencounter), but perhaps he was evaluating the situation, for he didn't attack immediately, staring at Allen in silence. His bracelets emitted an almost white fire.
"Please, listen to me!" The boy continued, unsure of what to say or how to proceed, forcing his voice to work. Kanda and the others had told him, at least enough, of what happened in the Order... And the idea once more strangled his organs. "I know what you must be thinking, but I swear, I didn't..."
"You damn traitor..." The other spitted the words with scorn. Allen felt it like a slap. Chaozii might as well be talking to a filthy creature that would make its home in corpses. Allen swallowed hard.
"Chaozii, please, I did not..."
There was a lightning.
An intense burning in his jaw.
He tasted dirt.
Chaozii had run towards Allen. Raz was at once at his side, her eyes on Chaozii with unimaginable coldness. Allen held her wrist in a signal, half sitting as his face was a mass of pain. Chaozii had barely missed a spot that would have rendered him unconscious, but he still felt his brain trembling inside the skull.
He didn't want to hurt Chaozii, didn't want to fight him.
Raz gave him a worried look, to which he shook his head briefly, even if he also had no idea of what to do. But he knew Raz also didn't want to attack, didn't want to fight, not after what had happened.
"Listen to me! I didn't kill Link! I didn't betr..."
Chaozii stepped forward, muscles hardened underneath skin, features made of iron. And Allen knew he wasn't seeing him...
He saw only a Noah. Only a traitor.
Just like the Order had classified him.
"Did we always look at them with such hate?"
"Chaozii, wait!" He kept eye contact, hoping, desperate for the man to listen. He didn't know if it was this or his tone, but somehow, the Exorcist didn't attack again. His eyes, however, remained the same.
"Don't blink. He kills you. That's what he wants."
"Why should I?" Chaozii growled between teeth. "You're a fucking Noah."
"I am not, otherwise your Innocence would have hurt me more!" He talked back. It was true, the pain was because of the physical blow, not the Innocence, Chaozii must have noticed this. Allen took off his white glove, revealing his arm, the cross nestled in his skin shining as proof.
He stood up carefully, fearing any sudden movements would provoke a new attack.
"Please, believe me..."
The other's eye shivered before the arm marked by Innocence and Allen thought that maybe... Maybe...
"A Noah who uses Innocence? How…?" He whispered to himself. Before Allen could reply, Chaozii shook his head, his eyes on his with renewed loathing. "Bastard... You killed Link!"
"It wasn't me! I..."
"Don't lie! I should've known back in the Ark!" Chaozii growled back, his voice rising. "You're a traitor!"
And Allen knew he wouldn't ever be able to convince him otherwise.
Chaozii lunged.
Raz and Allen jumped, but the boy was the target. Chaozii maybe hadn't even noticed the girl's presence. An explosion ran inside Allen when a fist found his stomach, organs hitting bones. Allen managed to land in his hands and feet, avoiding a bad fall. His entire body hurt.
"Damn, what do I do?"
He didn't want to fight, but if he hesitated... Energy crossed his nerves, the arm changing. He didn't think it would be of much help, Innocences weren't made to fight other Innocences.
Chaozii came to him, Allen got ready...
There was a cracking sound.
The Exorcist panted, black whips holding brusquely his wrists and ankles.
Raz needed to concentrate, she felt his strength, she felt his Innocence. It was like holding a poisonous, furious bull. Chaozii snarled, but didn't waste more than a glance at her, turning to Allen again, filled with nothing but hate.
"I'll kill you, traitor!" It wasn't a threat, it as a promise. "You're on their side! After everything they did! THEY, WHO KILLED MISS ANITA! EVERYONE IN THE SHIP! THEY TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME!"
"I didn't join the Noahs!" Allen growled back. "And I didn't kill anyone, I was attacked..."
Chaozii scoffed, not interested in listening. Blind and deaf by rage. Twisting his wrist, he managed to take a hold of one of the whips. There was a sensation of shock in both's nerve-endings, opposite matters colliding. The man didn't waste time feeling it, turning to Raz as if only now seeing her.
He noticed the reaction, shadows and his Innocence. This time it was Raz who kept the dance of gazes.
With a violent gesture, the Exorcist ripped the whip apart. His Innocence ran through them, breaking the others. Raz stepped back, the echo of the Innocence in her nerves, a slice inside her. She groaned in pain.
Chaozii turned. His fist aimed at Allen...
The sound echoed around.
Their eyes stared at each other, for a moment.
Raz had jumped, feline-like, getting in his way and blocking his right fist with a darkness-covered arm. Moved by instinct, his left fist followed in a second. Raz's body bent, hit in the thorax. Innocence flowed inside her, burning what it touched.
Still, she landed in her feet and hands, fighting for air as she stood, almost bowing. Blood slithered in fine lines down her chin.
Chaozii stepped back a little. Allen was at Raz's side, fury finding birth in him. He reached out to her back, a call in his throat... And his voice died.
Raz's shadow waved in the ground. And Allen knew that the shivering that hit her body hadn't much to do with the physical blow.
Knowing her as he did, he felt there was something... Something wrong.
And he remembered the Earl's words… He had been slipping inside himself, but he had heard it...
"Noahs can never forget the hate for Innocence..."
Raz stood straight. Her blood dripped on the ground.
"You..." Chaozii whispered, not hiding the suspicion in front of the reaction. If she was affected, the sensation of touching her, those shadows... His eyes went to Allen, a smile that was more a grimace twisting him. "If you are not a traitor, Allen Walker, what are you doing with a Noah?"
The whisper in the girl's soul was turning into a meaning, its touch spreading inside her body in spider's paws.
"Don't... Forgive..."
The white of her skin died, revealing dead ashes.
"Don't forgive..."
The grey-blue eyes became gold.
"NEVER FORGIVE THE INNOCENCE!"
Black stigmas tore her forehead apart.
"Raz..." Allen called slowly. Her eyes slithered to him for a moment, their attention back to Chaozii soon. They had trained together, but Allen held back with Crown Clown, just enough. The only times she had been in direct touch with Innocence had been when she had ripped Apocryphos' feathers and later when the creature had attacked, but this...
"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Chaozii yelled, not caring if he couldn't hit Allen with his Innocence, just wanting to rip away that false skin, to do it with his bare hands, to expose the Noah for what he truly was...
Raz smiled.
Darkness embraced Allen, gently pulling him behind.
Both crossed in the air. Chaozii started a series of hits. The Noah, uncaring, dodged and avoided his fists. She gave a quick jump back. His body was thrown backward when her foot hit his face.
She was fast.
He threw himself against her. This time, when she blocked his attack, arm again covered in shadows, he managed to hold her wrist, twisting her arm in the air. Her body followed, avoiding a broken bone. Tossing her over him, Chaozii let go, punching her body against the air.
"RAZ!" Allen cried out and suddenly, he did want to hit Chaozii.
The girl landed in hands and feet upon falling, before charging again. Chaozii noticed, disturbed, that her face was merely serene, except for a hint of vague amusement. His knee found her chest. Her body bent. He had to jump back as black shards came into existence. No matter. His Innocence was meant for close combat, but he had other tricks.
"What... What am I... Doing?"
The Exorcist crossed his arms, his Innocence spreading in defense of vital points. Still, drops of blood flew when shadows scratched his arms and legs. He didn't seem to care, his eyes burning with hate.
"Why I... Can't... Can't stop?"
Her body moved. It blocked when the man attacked, alternating between physical attacks and calling upon darkness, trying to pierce his flesh.
Chaozii grabbed her throat.
Pressure increased by Innocence, there was no air. The pharynx trembled... Darkness held his legs, tossing him away. The Exorcist cut her with a hit of his Innocence. Allen remembered Tyki cutting Tokusa's arms with ease. Chaozii tried to hit, Raz twisted in the air and blocked with a kick. Innocence and darkness bit each other.
"Raz!" He called when she landed on feet at a short distance ahead of him, after a punch that had nearly hit her heart. The girl didn't look at him.
Her features were soft.
"It's alright, Allen…" She said with absently.
Shadows ran to Chaozii as demons. The man sliced the air, but they weren't solid yet and covered his senses. He groaned, grabbing one of those things when they touched his skin... His nerves cried out in repulse. And the Noah, in front of him, stared at him before kicking his face again.
He felt blood slithering down the left side of his face. Darkness compressed his body, small thorns biting. Muscles hardening, he invoked the strength of his Innocence, pressing back until the black cocoon cracked.
His arms were aflame with Innocence.
The Noah watched. She looked as calm as if she wasn't there at all. Shadows moved at her feet, a living and hungry curse.
But it wasn't her who he wanted. It was the other Noah, who remained in human shape... And he ran straight, aiming, flames in his wrists growing...
"DIE, TRAITOR!"
It all happened too fast.
A sound of whipping.
Flesh against flesh.
The gray hand had collided against Chaozii's throat, making his body shake with a spasm.
Veins of darkness escaped her fingers and scratched his skin as serpent hatchlings. She had run to stand in front of Allen at the last moment.
Chaozii tried to reach her. Black, oily straps came against his forearms, wrapping around them and pulling back towards the ground, almost testing the limit of his bones while keeping away from the Innocence.
There was silence.
Raz tilted her head to the side, black snakes slithering on her shoulders lovingly. For a moment, it seemed she was about to smile again. Black lines went up to his face in the manner of veins, making Chaozii shake his head without success as they played in his ears, teasing the flesh... His fingers flexed briefly, shadows coming up his neck, touching the flesh…
"Raz, no!"
Raz blinked and turned to Allen, who held her arm. For a brief instant of dread, he thought she was beyond his reach. Close as he was, he realized he couldn't tell whether those threads were her shadows in physical form or something was turning Chaozii's veins black.
She tilted her head.
"What do you mean, no? Why not?" She asked quietly, in a way that could be either indignant or confused.
Allen's heart was still out of rhythm and he swallowed.
"Just let him go..." It wasn't a plea, nor was it an order. He couldn't lie and say it didn't matter, be to her or himself. But this didn't mean he wanted to see Chaozii dead.
And also because he knew how this would haunt her later.
She still stared at him for a moment. Allen nodded. Upon turning to Chaozii, her golden eyes were frozen with hatred and she approached her face to his, almost touching him.
"You live..." Her whisper was made ice. "Because he wants so."
The man had no means to reply with the throat being held. Yet, there was response enough in his eyes. Raz saw this, the veins of darkness increasing their touch. Chaozii felt like biting his lower lip.
"After today, each damn breath, each beat of this worthless heart of yours, you owe it to him..."
The Noah released him, but the hold of the shadows remained. She wasn't so naive to let the Exorcist go at once. Chaozii looked from her to Allen, making it clear he wished them both nothing else but pain. And he would gladly deliver it.
"Next time I see you... If you attack us again..." Raz whispered. "I will make you wish for Hell."
No interruption from Allen. Chaozii's threat had proved to be too serious and despite how much he hated them, there might be some fear of Raz after this and it was perhaps the better defense they had, at least in this particular instant.
Perhaps it would be easier... To kill him. They couldn't force him to come along, not without another fight that would tire them too much. And Chaozii had already shown how he wouldn't listen, even if they tried to explain, he would just dismiss it all and want to go back to the Order. Trying to ignore how this made him feel and the part of his brain that conjured the image of how the others in the Order would react in the same way upon seeing him (or maybe running in the other direction, fearing him as they feared the Noah Clan), Allen took a breath before crouching down.
"I didn't kill Link…" He ended up muttering all the same. "I didn't betray the Order…" Chaozii said nothing, still held down. Allen thought the ex-friend would have spit on him if they were close enough and fought to remain a neutral face when he hit Chaozii in a specific spot on his neck to render him unconscious.
For a while, he and Raz remained there, not moving. The coldness had left the girl and she was back to being the Raz of always... Yet, the scars of the whispers of what she had just done were clear on her. It was almost as if she was waking from a strange dream...
Observing the man, the girl felt as if she couldn't understand at once what had happened. Even though she was more than aware that it was necessary to fight, there was hesitation now... She hadn't quite fought humans before like that and... And she had been scared.
But among that cloud of rage, she had only wanted to keep the man away. She had only wanted to defend herself and to help Allen, only...
"Oh, but that's not all... You wanted to kill him." The thought was as true as traitorous and it caused another sort of coldness to be born inside her.
No, she just...
"You wanted to kill him..."
But… But she…
She had.
She had wanted his death.
A soft touch in her hand called her attention and she and Allen exchanged glances. Both knew they should go on and fast... Chaozii wouldn't be able to tell the Order exactly where they had been going, as there were more crossroads ahead, so perhaps they would have some luck... They had to hurry up.
Even knowing this, none of them found the strength to move. It all had happened in a few moments, but there was no sensation of it being over. It was like a nightmare which echo reaches to reality.
"C'mon..." Allen called her, needing actually to encourage his own brain to command the muscles to move, forcing himself to look away from the man he had one day called a friend. Both started to walk again, feeling weary, weak, and hurt. Raz could almost feel the Innocence, its blows had hit her more than physically, they had reached her blood, her organs, everything that was her.
And it hurt.
And... She had been moving with the same naturalness with which she walked... Without needing to think, to reflect, just reacting...
"He... He will tell... You know..." Allen said in a low tone.
"Yes... You saw how he looked at us..." She hesitated and Allen noticed her gaze, as if she was looking inside herself. And inside herself, Raz found the truth she had tried to buried. And then she comprehended what Tyki had said that night in the Forest of Lights, when encouraging her to destroy the Innocence in her hands... And what had been underneath Wisely's softly cruel tone when he had whispered in her mind about her keeping a human appearance.
She comprehended what she had felt upon holding Apocryphos' feathers and her wish to attack Allen, no mattering how brief it had been.
The instinct of a Noah... It was a murderer's instinct.
Peace, or the closest of it that was allowed to her kind, could only come with the blood of those who handled Innocence.
"Allen, I..."
He interrupted her at once, knowing without needing to hear her, what must be tormenting her mind. He might not have a meticulous knowledge of Noahs (if anyone who wasn't part of the Clan had, anyway), but he knew Raz.
"If you're going to apologize, don't even." He said firmly, forcing her to look at him. "Raz, listen to me closely. You didn't do anything wrong, not this time, you were defending us, it is different..."
This was true to him as well, but there was no effect in how he felt and the boy sighed, shaking his head. The day had barely begun and he felt as if it was already taking too long to end... He remembered how they had helped Klaud with the Level Four akuma and how she, apparently, hadn't told anyone that Allen was traveling in the company of a Noah.
Chaozii wouldn't do the same.
"But..."
"We're on a war... If you can avoid killing, then do it. But if you have to... If there is no other way... Defend yourself." And his grasp in her shoulder tightened in a signal of comfort. This was a truth both understood, but like so many other things, there was the need to convert it into sound, to absorb it physically through a sense.
Maybe it would come the time when they would need to kill someone. Maybe a Finder or an Exorcist who tried to attack them... Or at least, as they had done now, to leave them unconscious.
"In the situation we are in... It's not always we can afford the luxury of gentleness…" It didn't mean they had to enjoy it.
However, he made a mental note to have a serious conversation with her about it.
Because he could see it wasn't only this what was biting her inside.
And his words, in the end, had done little to soothe her.
XxX
The Earl remained deep in thought as the akuma bowed to him, after finishing speaking. There was no way to guess his thoughts, as there were no hints to the nature of the silence. It mattered nothing that the Noah Patriarch was not wearing his mask at the moment, it was just that his face didn't allow any emotion to reach the facial features.
His enemies would, without a doubt, take his silence for one that promised suffering. The rest of the Clan might take it as curiosity and even excitement. It sometimes depended more on the observant's own impression, what they would be willing to take as truth.
He had been helping the others to fill Road in about everything that had happened during her absence, how they had almost captured Apocryphos, how their prisoners had been rescued... And about Raz, who now fought at Walker and other Accomodators's side and how she was bereft of her own identity and memories...
Those were long explanations and the Clan had also decided to have a special dinner to celebrate Road's return when an akuma had asked to speak to him, bringing news that he preferred to listen privately.
"I felt Walker's presence, my lord." The thing said in a childish voice of metal, an akuma of level two that quickly approached Level Three. "He didn't feel me."
Of course he hadn't... The akuma had been at a safe distance, hunting members of the Order when it had felt the lady Noah and the boy. Since the Earl's commands had been to lay low should it happen and contact the Earl, it hadn't attacked and kept the distance as to not trigger Walker's eye.
"They were with an Exorcist, Master. Miss Raz fought him."
This was quite interesting.
"Was it one of the ones who assisted the infiltration in our Ark?"
"No, no, sir." So it wasn't a trap or an argument that had evolved to something more serious. The Exorcist in question must be from the Order, not sharing those others' loyalty to Allen Walker. Their meeting could have been a coincidence... Unless one of the Exorcists had pretended to still be on Walker's side had called the Order... Hmmm, no, if such was the case, they would have sent more people.
"Was the Exorcist killed?"
"No, master." The akuma went on, voice marked by anxiety born of his desire to serve the one who had constructed it, not knowing another desire. By a rule, akumas had no feelings. They were machines and as much as they could develop a simulacrum of self-awareness, it wasn't enough to create feelings. They were able, depending on their development, to behave in a way that fashioned the illusion of a personality of their own, maybe, but they were machines. Nothing more.
At times, some exceptions could come to be, he supposed, but those were far too rare.
The information that the Exorcist hadn't been killed was quite a disappointment… Though again, considering it was Walker, perhaps it wasn't cause for surprise, as much as he desired otherwise.
"Allen Walker... Mana's son. I should have realized by the name." He thought, not for the first time since he and boy had shared that strange vision of the past, an occurrence for which he had no explanation. What the Earl wondered, even now, was how it was possible, how could he have not realized it... And if he had, would it have changed the course of actions?
Yes… It would. He knew it would.
"Mana used that name because of it. There is sensibility in the choice…" He tried to now allow the implication of it to infiltrate his mind, not yet. "Still, I should've known, I should've paid more attention…"
The knowledge couldn't be ignored completely. It was almost poetic and also ironic how Raz was now with the son and nephew of her best friends.
He wondered what she would be thinking of all this, if she had some notion of it, if she had remembered something that would give sense to it... He frowned slightly, remembering when he had seen her for the first time since all this had begun.
He thought about when Raz had tried to use her ability against him. And how he had felt, through the touch of her shadows, her hesitation, her tension... And fear.
It was atypical.
Raz wasn't someone to undress her feelings like a nerve for the world to see and had usually displayed a certain rein over her emotions that extended itself to her very ability as "Loneliness"... And from what Tyki, Wisely and even Sheryl had noticed in the occasions they had spied on her and the boy along those months, as little as it had been, it had been enough to give the impression that such a trait had remained (if not become stronger).
The fact that he had been able to feel it like that... It was a little worrying, to say the least.
If it was the situation alone, he would have comprehended and even felt a little... A little guilty. He hadn't meant to act he had done in that brief encounter, but his self-control had broken under a blizzard of emotions and thoughts, more than his mind and body could process.
Later, analyzing the situation and what had happened... He admitted he might have gone mad for a moment.
But the Earl was quite sure that it hadn't been just fear of the predicament and what could happen, nor was just hesitation of hurting him (though he wouldn't deny that perceiving that had touched him deeply)… It wasn't because Raz was more used to help in fighting akumas rather than a living being, let alone a member of the Clan, either.
No. There was something bigger there.
Raz, perhaps so deeply that she had no notion of such, or more probably, didn't want to think about it in a conscious way, was afraid of herself. Of using her power completely. Afraid of what she could unleash...
Her potential was still there, buried and ignored, something she had no wish to touch.
She was afraid of it.
Afraid of herself.
Afraid of what she was.
The Earl shook his head to himself. This wasn't right. Nothing of this was.
"She should be here now! She and Allen!"
Both were stubborn, to the point of aggravation, as much as, considering everything, it shouldn't be unexpected or incomprehensible… But still!
There were several ways of approaching them and they all seemed to promise no result. The offer of explanations had already been rejected before being properly made, once both had already shown preference to seek answers by themselves, without a care to how much more complicated (or impossible) it would be. Threats and blackmail would only take him until a certain point and, in the long run, would be more harmful than beneficial, inviting only their resentment.
There seemed to be no way to gain their sincere cooperation.
The remaining option, to bring them back by force, was still unpleasant, but they would resort to it if there was indeed no other way.
It wasn't in their natures to take separation well.
And it certainly wasn't the Earl's nature to allow things to just remain as they were. When Wisely had told Raz and Allen how they belonged to the Clan, it had been literal. They all belonged to each other. They were a family. Together not out of obligation or forced need, but because it was part of what they were.
And now, there were things he needed to tell Allen, things he had the right to know...
And the realization about the connection between him and Mana had forced the Earl to reflect on everything he had ever thought and felt about the boy. They were enemies, yes, or had been, in his mind. He had been an annoying problem that refused to die, but only a fool without battle experiences would classify survival and the enemy's resources as mere luck. And a part of him, not without irritation, had recognized his skills. There were some moments when the Earl had even respected Walker, to a certain extent, and in the cold way one regards a hateful foe.
The times they had faced each other, though briefs, were an example. Older and more experienced Exorcists who had crossed his path had fallen on their knees, begging for mercy, and those who had fought him had lasted only for a little while before fear finally took over.
Walker was among the few who had confronted him while keeping their heads high, preferring to face whatever could happen with dignity and standing out for this.
Once more, the Noah Patriarch recalled the night he had met Walker for the first time. A boy small for his age, with poor clothes that perhaps weren't quite enough to keep him safe from the cold, sitting at the side of a tombstone as if not sure of where he was... Or even who he was... Only wanting to stay there, like a dog who couldn't understand the owner's death. Or does and even so, chooses to remain as close as possible until it could follow.
It had taken some seconds until the child even realized the Earl's presence, though he had been standing right at his side and speaking to him softly, trying to get his attention with a false and suave conversation that used to be quite efficient against his prey, traps shaped as words. He had greeted him, asked what he was doing in the cold, why he seemed so sad...
No reaction.
The boy was among those so lost in their mourning that when he had finally looked at him, the Earl saw he hadn't heard a single word, neither was he understanding the presence of someone else there. Only when the Earl, seeing the name carved in the cheap stone that denounced an equally cheap burying, had asked him if he would like to see Mana Walker again. Then some lucidness had come back to those eyes. The lack of someone else around had also been a give-away to how the man had been the only person the boy had.
And then, of course, their deal. Which had ended disastrously.
Afterward, the Earl had wondered… Why had he left the boy alive?
And he wondered that even now.
It wasn't as if the Earl had felt the boy had any connection with the Clan. He hadn't even noticed Mana Walker had been Mana D. Campbell (if he had, this alone would have made him take the boy along him, even if just to try getting him to tell exactly what had happened), let alone suspected he might be Neah's host (something he hadn't ever considered possible).
Someone might suggest it had been a rare, though not impossible, moment of compassion. The Earl wouldn't deny the option wasn't absurd, but it was the presence of Innocence that complicated matters... Yes, it wouldn't please him to outright kill a child (he knew many Exorcists would call him a hypocrite and wouldn't believe him), but a child who had Innocence? The logical course of action was to kill him.
"Master? Do you want us to..." The akuma could barely hide the request as a suggestion, like a puppy, becoming quiet when the Earl dismissed the idea with a gesture.
Slowly, a substance unknown to man formed around him, a whiteness of bones taken off tombs gaining color, the mass molding to take the shape of a figure well-known by Exorcists, a smiling mask hiding his true face.
"I believe I better check on them myself."
Allen: Don't you get tired of messing with us?
Ana: No.
Road: Finally! I'm back! Did you have to make me wait all this time?
Ana: Yes...
Road: Now, when I'll go meet Allen? I missed him!
Ana: I'll ignore this... Speaking of you being back, where is Sheryl? I thought he would be here to complain about how Raz didn't kill an Exorcist and all.
Wisely: He went out to buy presents for Road.
Raz: And I didn't want to kill him!
Wisely: Yes, you did...
Allen: Lay off her!
Wisely: The sooner she actually realizes what it means to be a Noah and stop fooling around, the better.
Raz: Look, I just decided I don't want to kill anymore and ended up fighting an Exorcist, can't you guys let me rest?
Wisely: You want to rest? Then you and the brat over there just stop acting like children and come back home!
Ana: This is going to last for the rest of the night. Okay, guys, it's like four in the morning here, so I'm quite unsure if the chapter is well written. Any mistakes, please let me know! And don't forget to check my deviantart page!
bibliophile030: Samuel really despises this about Bookmen lineage and the fact this whole "record" deal may jeopardize his friends doesn't help matters.
Samuel: I considered it was better to make things clear with him...
Ana: About Lavi... Well, he has a lot to think about and a long road to even start recovering. As for Neah... Oh, don't worry. He is far from done.
Neah: I haven't even begun.
Ana: Do you know how many people will end up punching you in the face if you keep this whole "erasing and possessing Allen"?
Neah: It is necessary.
Meerub: Thank you so much! It means a lot to me when I receive new reviews. Haha, I know the feeling, they are both too awesome and we don't want them to die. I can't tell you what I have prepared, but I hope you'll like it.
jy24: They will need a lot of time and Lavi has some serious self-reflecting to do. And while they are at it, Raz and Allen also need quite a time to themselves...
Everyone, thank you so much for following me to this point. Your support means a lot and I hope you guys are having fun!