J

While Kai was out at a bar in Palm Springs with Annabel from wardrobe, I was sprawled out in the queen bed of my Best Western Plus hotel room, in my favorite old Snoopy sleep shirt, staring at the TV. It wasn't on. I was tired. I had come back from the set and tidied up all the clothes and makeup that my roommate had tossed around before she left. When I don't know where to put all of the dirty messy thoughts that are flying around in my head, there is never a shortage of items that can be put away in drawers and artfully displayed on flat surfaces. For me, two hours of yoga had nothing on twenty minutes of decorganizing.

I was sharing a room with Nayeon, but she was with Suho, in his room. All around me, people were hooking up and moving into new apartments and being normal twentysomething humans. But there I lay, unable to completely get over the best friend that I was legally married to, and unable to get under her.

If I hadn't been so tired, the knock on my door would have scared the panties off of me. It was so deliberate and loud. I wasn't expecting a visit from the Assistant Director, but he was the kind of guy who banged on hotel room doors at eleven-thirty without texting first.

When I looked through the peephole I was very glad that my panties hadn't been scared off of me, because I really needed to keep my panties on around the person behind that door. Because she kept making me flood them.

I didn't open the door. "What are you doing here?"

"Let me in."

"Lisa, I'm at work!"

"Right this second?"

"No, but I can't —"

"Jennie. Open the door."

I opened the door and Lisa Manoban came crashing through it, grabbing my face and pressing me up against the wall behind me, towering over me, enveloping me, burning through my soul with her eyes and kissing me so feverishly you'd think we'd been on the verge of kissing like this for years.

My lips responded to hers with five quick kisses and one breathless question: "What are you doing?"

"What I should have done the night I met you," she said, as she continued to pin me to the wall and pepper my face and neck with kisses and questions of her own: "Did I break your heart?"

"What?"

"Did I ever break your heart?"

"No."

"Good. Thank God. If I had I don't think I could forgive myself."

"Why did you—"

"Did you get together with Kai?"

"No."

"Good. Thank God."

"Lalisa, what are you doing here?"

"I had to see you."

"You drove for two hours and didn't even text me first?"

"I made it here in less than two hours. Fuck, you smell good. You were wearing this shirt when I met you. You look so hot in this." Her voice was husky and her kisses were very convincing, but I still didn't believe her and yet I couldn't seem to pull myself away from her.

"Hah."

"You do." And then she asked the question that I needed her to ask, but she still didn't stop kissing me. "Do you want me?"

"Lisa."

"Say it."

"Yes. Yes—but—"

"I want you." She hooked an arm below my knees, cradling me in her arms and effortlessly whisking me over to the bed, she lowered herself down on top of me. The weight of her body on mine felt amazing, and my body wanted everything that hers was ready to offer, but my stupid brain wasn't going to shut up yet.

"Why now? Before Kai, you had never given me any hint that you were attracted to me."

"I pushed away those feelings. I ignored them. That doesn't mean they weren't there. I never wanted to risk fucking everything up." She raised herself up onto her elbows so that her torso hovered over mine, but her lower body was not so gentlemanly.

"You mean fucking up your green card marriage?"

"No, I meant fucking up our friendship. Because you're so important to me. Idiot. Jen, I like you more than I like anyone else I know. I miss you when you're not around. I want you. What else do you need to hear?"

I pushed her away and pulled myself up to stand on the bed, because I would not be able to argue my case with her lips so close to mine.

I leaned back against the wall, crossed my arms and looked down at her.

She rolled her eyes and sat up.

"Lisa. I don't want to lose you as a friend either."

"What makes you think you won't lose me if we don't try this?"

"Is that a threat? What happened to 'because it's us?'"

"It's not a threat, it's just that when we had that conversation that was before I'd made this decision."

"What decision, exactly?"

"To have you."

I raised an eyebrow.

"To date you."

"But you don't date!"

"I date. I date way more than you do."

"You take girls out as a prelude to fucking them."

"Not exclusively. I also take them out as a denouement to fucking them."

I grabbed a pillow and whacked her with it.

"Oh my God you're so spoiled. Girls have always just thrown themselves at you."

"That doesn't make me spoiled if I'm grateful. And it's not like I've ever had any complaints."

I smirked. "You mean from the girls who stormed out when you told them you had to study or work, or the ones whose calls and texts you don't respond to?"

She knew better than to continue a losing argument. "Okay. You're right."

The magic words! She watched triumphantly as my shoulders relaxed, just a bit. She pulled on the pillow and brought me down to my knees, on the mattress, brought her face to mine.

"But, once I make my mind up about something it's pretty hard for me to not pursue it. That's a fact."

"So I have no say in this?"

"You absolutely have a say in this, you just aren't saying how you really feel out loud. To me."

"Says who?"

She got up and went over to pick up the messenger bag that I had not noticed was on the ground by the door. She pulled out a journal that looked exactly like one that I owned, and held it up as evidence.

"This is not a list of reasons why we should be just friends. This is a list of reasons why we're going to be the greatest couple ever."

I blinked. Once. Twice. It took me a moment to process this.

"You went into my room and read my journal?!"

"It was right there on your bed and it's not that kind of journal."

"It was not on my bed." Oh shit. I did leave it on my bed. I never left that journal out when I left my room. "Whatever—you went into my room without my permission and read my private journal without my permission when I wasn't home."

"You go into my room and smell my jackets when I'm not home."

"It was one time and one jacket!" I huffed. That was not the same thing. At all. "I didn't write that for anyone else to read." I swiped the notebook from her.

She shook her head. "So that's how you're gonna play it…Okay. I'm going to make this happen. I'm tired of fighting it. I'm going to stop seeing other women—I already have. I'm going to take vacations with you and we're gonna get a hammock for the back patio and we're going to take naps in it. Together."

I had fantasized about lying in a hammock with Lisa on more than one occasion, but all I could say was: "There isn't room for a hammock."

"I will make room for a hammock, just watch me. There's nothing I can do about the impressive size of my dick, but I promise not to split you in two."

I covered my face and groaned. I couldn't believe she'd read that in my journal. "Please just kill me now."

"But seriously, there isn't a lot I can do about being out of town for work. I'm going to be traveling internationally, a lot more in the near future, so that's a non-negotiable. However, I am one hundred percent committed to spending more time with you. We'll work it out."

"I don't want you to not be out of town for work."

"Good. Because you go out of town for work sometimes, obviously. That's life. We'll make time in our schedules to fuck each other—that's relationships."

"That's your definition of a relationship?"

"That's my definition of a good relationship."

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes at her. "This is too messed-up. I need to live on my own. I'm gonna crash with Jisoo and Bobby first, but then I'll find my own place."

"Why don't you just move in downstairs? Or keep your room and I'll set up offices downstairs. I can fly my team down here to work sometimes, that way you'll have the upstairs to yourself more. And I'll hire you to design the offices."

"Lisa, I…I can help you with the offices, but I need to live away from you."

"Why?"

"Because I need my own space."

"I can give you all the space you need."

"Says the girl who texts me nonstop and just drove two hours to see me after reading my journal."

She took the journal from my hand, tossed it away, grabbed me again and playfully threw me back down onto the bed, straddling me and pinning down my arms, her face hovering over mine.

"I need time to think about this."

I have never seen a smiling face look so serious.

"Go ahead. Think of it as Jenlisa version 3.0. All the capability you've come to love and rely on plus added features."

"What was 2.0?"

"Us being married. 2.5 was us being married after your breakup."

"So the new version would be?..."

"Best friends who are secretly married but openly dating each other. Until such time when we decide to be openly married. To each other."

She kissed my neck.

"You're really freaking me out right now."

"Good. You said you liked that I push you out of your comfort zone."

"I never said that. When did I say that?"

"When we got married."

"I never said that. I have no memory of that ceremony."

"Then how do you know you didn't say it?"

I tried to push her away. She was right again. About everything. I knew it. I just wasn't ready to believe this was real yet.

She bridged the distance between us again. She cradled my face in her hands and spoke softly. "I'm not going to argue with you about this. I know what I want, and I just came here to tell you. I've been lying to myself since I met you, but I know how I feel and I know what I want now and I'm not going to lie to you. I don't just love you as a friend and I don't want to lose what we have but I am so attracted to you Jennie. I want to have sex with you and I don't want you to date anyone else. I want you, I want you to want me, and I know I just said I don't want to lose what we have—but fuck that—I'm willing to risk it because I think we have barely scratched the surface of what we can be together."

Holy shit.

"This was always the thing that was just about to happen between us. The only thing stopping it now is you. You can keep telling yourself you're scared of this if you need to, but you did risk the possibility of going to jail just to keep me from having to move back to Canada. There's a daring side of you that's willing to get dirty and I'm going to have so much fun finding it."

Part of me was still angry—wanted to yell at her again because I was the one who fell in love with her first—she was the one who was having fun with all those other women. But part of me would always remember that I never told her how I felt. And here she was, telling me how she felt. Damn runner, always sprinting ahead of me, even when she started out miles behind.

She watched me engage in my internal monologue, and I watched her decide that she had said all she could say for now. She got up and backed away.

"Okay. I'm leaving. If you want to talk we'll talk. If you don't want to talk to me, I'll wait until you're ready. If you want to hate screw me, we should do that before I leave."

I picked up the first thing I could reach and threw it at her. Fortunately, it was just an eraser. Unfortunately, she deftly caught it with one hand. It was hot. I hated her so much. "Get out of here. I have to get up early."

"I'm leaving," she said, grinning and tossing my eraser back at me. "I'm turning around and I'm gonna walk out that door. Try not to burn a hole through my ass when you're staring at it."

"Out. Get out!"