For CafeLatte100. I don't know if this is exactly what you were thinking of when we talked about this idea, but I hope you enjoy it ;)
Unicorns
A Good Omens Fanfic
"You know what I haven't seen in a few, well, millennia, angel?" Crowley commented one afternoon. "Unicorns."
Aziraphale looked up at him, blinking, having only been vaguely listening to the demon as he was currently looking through a few new aquisitions. "What was that, dear?"
"Unicorns," Crowley said with a shrug. "Haven't seen any of those. Still the national animal of Scotland, but yet no one really believes in them. Where'd they all go?"
"Oh, er, well…" Aziraphale said, putting his book down and picking up his tea. "You remember when Noah built his ark?"
"Yeah, great big thing. Lots of rain," Crowley muttered, shuddering like a raindrop had dripped down his spine. "Had to stay in Hell for months."
"Well…only one unicorn made it on the ark. Remember? You spotted the other one running away."
Crowley blinked and looked at him incredulously. "So? One still got on the boat, yeah?"
"But it was just a male unicorn," Aziraphale said.
"What's that got to do with it?" Crowley demanded.
"Why, because only females can reproduce, Crowley," Aziraphale said. "That's how biology works."
The demon frowned at him, brows knit tight.
"And, you need a male and a female to bring a new life into the world, of course," Aziraphale added. "Hence why Adam had Eve."
"So…you're saying the unicorns died out because there was only one left?" Crowley asked. "But I always thought…well…I dunno."
Aziraphale glanced over at him, a sudden realization occurring to him. "Wait a moment, Crowley. You…do you even know how reproduction works?"
"Course I know!" Crowley replied defensively, folding his arms across his chest. "What is there to it? Baby shows up in a basket."
"Oh," Aziraphale said with realization, biting his lip. "Er, well, no, Crowley. That's not really what happens…"
The demon frowned. "What do you mean that's not what happens? I delivered a baby myself, I should know, angel."
The angel ran a weary hand over his face, refraining from a sigh. "No that was…oh dear. You're telling me that all this time on earth, among humans, and you know nothing about, er, reproduction and how it….hem…happens?"
"Well, I guess not," Crowley huffed, slumping back. "Why don't you tell me then, oh wise angel?"
That was when Aziraphale realized he was in a bit of a bind. He could tell Crowley the truth, and probably end up making the demon feel uncomfortable, or he could tell him some sort of fabrication that would pass as the truth and allow his friend to continue in his innocence.
One look at the demon's eager face across from him left Aziraphale with only one option. Lying, of course, was a sin, but it was for the best in this case, and Aziraphale would lie to preserve Crowley's innocent, albeit demonic, soul.
"Well…" the angel began, gears shifting in his head as he thought about what human parents might tell their children when faced with the same question. "You see, when two people love each other very much…er…"
"Wait, love has something to do with it?" Crowley demanded. "Do animals love each other then?"
"Er….hem…" Aziraphale bit his lip. "This is purely by human standards, dear. But…yes, I believe that most animals love each other, just not…oh dear. Perhaps that wasn't the right way to put it, ignore that…er, let me see."
He felt flustered under the demon's pointed gaze, afraid he would be caught out in his lie and it would be even worse when he had to explain the truth later.
"All I mean is to say that when a mother and father decide they wish to have a child, they…they call in to the, er, baby handlers."
"Baby handlers," Crowley repeated dryly.
"Yes! Like what you did when you delivered the antichrist," Aziraphale said, latching on to this idea. "And then after nine months they will deliver the baby."
"It takes nine bloody months to get a baby?" Crowley demanded.
"Well, for humans, yes. Not always for animals. But they're living things, Crowley, it's not like ordering a new shirt. Babies take…more tailoring." Aziraphale could practically feel the hole he was digging himself into. This was already a mess, and utterly ridiculous. Surely Crowley couldn't be buying this.
"What about the cabbage patches?" the demon asked suddenly.
"Uh, er," Aziraphale fumbled, realizing Crowley must have heard something about that silly story that parents usually told their children. Hopefully he wouldn't be asking about storks next. "Well, I suppose if you want to pick your own baby, you might find one there."
"Never seen a baby in a cabbage patch," Crowley muttered. "Bit weird, isn't it? Maybe for those organic types…"
"Well, they're very special kinds of cabbage patches, and you have to want a baby before you'll see one there," Aziraphale rambled, hoping that there would be a point where he could change the subject soon.
"But why is it that the mother gets all round then?" Crowley demanded.
"Oh, er….it's part of nesting!" Aziraphale quickly said. "You know, like birds."
"Birds sit on eggs."
"Yes, they don't have to worry about deliveries or cabbage patches. Their babies grow in eggs."
"Seems more efficient," Crowley muttered. "Why don't all animals and humans lay eggs?"
Aziraphale frowned, actually thinking about it. "Well…I…don't know. I suppose you do have a bit of a point about that."
"More logical," Crowley shrugged. "Should have consulted me about it." He was silent for a second then said. "What about orphans then? Where do they come from? If it's so difficult to go about ordering a baby and waiting so long for it to get there, why would someone do it if you didn't want one?"
"Well, some of them, their parents died," Aziraphale said. "The rest…er…well, you know how sometimes something you order gets lost in the post and never shows up?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's where orphans come from," Aziraphale said, and took a deep gulp of tea, his throat dry from all the desperate thinking.
Crowley sat there for a long second, looking like he was pondering something. "So that's really where babies come from?"
Aziraphale nodded. "Yep. Indeed, that is where babies come from."
"Huh," Crowley said, sitting back and taking up his tea again. "Always thought it had something to do with sex."
Aziraphale choked into his teacup and spent the next couple minutes getting his breath back. "Y-you…"
"But I'm sure an angel would know better than me," Crowley grinned suddenly. "I feel better about it now."
Aziraphale dabbed his lips and stared balefully at the demon sitting across from him.
There were a few times in their long and varied history, that he truly had to question why they were friends.
Now was one of those times.