J

It had been a little over a year since the time I'd returned to the Burbank airport from Cleveland, newly-single with the quaint notion that I could convince myself to fall out of love with my best friend whom I was secretly married to, after finding out that my boyfriend had been cheating on me for years. I thought that things were so complicated back then, that my suppressed unrequited love was the worst thing I'd have to deal with. Like returning home to my handsome shirtless BFF was so terrible! Now, I didn't even have a real L.A. home to return to.

I was emotionally depleted after finally having it out with Chan the morning after Lisa left, and my parents were dealing with Chan's parents' ire about not being informed about the green card marriage while I was dating their perfect son. I was so mad that I almost picked up the phone to call them and tell them exactly what their perfect son had been up to while we were dating, but—boundaries. I needed to have them, and I didn't need to complicate matters worse by messing things up between Chan and his parents, them and my parents, and me and his parents, and me and my parents…I needed to face the music with Lisa, and it was going to be a sad song. Not the snappy jazzy kind about how to make two lovers of friends—the kind you use as a ringtone—but the bluesy kind about how love ruins everything, the kind they play in dive bars at closing time when you don't have to go home, you just have to settle up your tab and get your brokenhearted loser ass out of there.

We hadn't texted each other since she left my parents' house, I hadn't told Jisoo anything about what was going on, just let her know I'd be staying in their guest room again. My eyes were so swollen from crying, the flight attendant kept asking me if I was okay and finally I told her it was allergies. When she offered me a Claritin, I took it. It wasn't a pot brownie, but the drowsiness that set in felt somewhat better than the anxious exhaustion I had been feeling.

I had never been so sad to set foot on Southern California ground. I loved Jisoo and Bobby and was actually looking forward to talking to Jisoo about everything, but I wanted Lisa. I wanted my friend, and I didn't know if that person even existed anymore. I truly believed that the only way we could find our way back to what we had when we first met was to totally wipe the slate clean. For real.

I knew it didn't seem like it to her, and it didn't feel good for me, but I was doing it for Lisa. Being with me in that way just wasn't good for her. I didn't understand why she had gotten so jealous any more than she understood it, but it was exhausting her and it was distracting her from her work. That wasn't who she wanted to be. It wasn't what I wanted for her. And I was a mess. I didn't want her to want me like this.

That's when I saw her. Standing there, stiff and firmly planted in the middle of the small waiting area. She wasn't on the phone, she wasn't grinning or smirking or smiling in any way. She looked so tired and serious, but still so handsome that I felt myself crumbling inside. She was wearing the olive green bomber jacket, the one that I loved. I couldn't tell if she was trying to win me over or piss me off by wearing it, but as so often was the case in the past year, she was doing both.

I stopped a few feet from her and stared at the large envelope in her hands.

"I filled out the dissolution of marriage forms. Uncontested. I'll let you file the petition. There's a six-month waiting period before it's finalized once it's filed with the courts."

She held the envelope up. I couldn't look at her. I just kept staring at it. Inside that envelope were the papers that I had once thought would set me free.

"I know I messed this up. I'm sorry. I don't regret punching Chan. I just wish it hadn't happened in the way that it did. I don't want to be the guy who messes things up. I want to be the guy who gives you everything you deserve. I need you to understand that this is the last thing that I want, but if it's what you think you deserve—if what you need is space, away from me, then I want you to have that. Have experiences. Have sex with other guys. I mean, I really don't want you to do that, but if you feel you have to…"

I took the envelope from her and stared down at it. "I can't believe you didn't send me a baby animal video first."

"I only do that for bad news. I figured this would be good news for you." Her voice, her eyes, were cold. I shivered.

"Here." I started to remove the ring from my finger, but she grabbed both of my hands to stop me, lowered her head. I let out a little cry.

"That's yours. All three of them are yours. Do what you want with them," She said.

Hot tears fell from my eyes. I dropped my hands and leaned into her chest. This chest. I could stay here forever if I let myself. Why can't I let myself?

I pulled away and started to walk towards the exit, wiping my face with the back of my hand.

"You're leaving?" Her voice went cold again.

"I have to," I croaked.

"That's it? Seriously, Jennie?"

"Sorry I don't have an elegant speech prepared, I guess I should know by now to expect you to show up when I don't expect you to."

She stopped following me. I looked back and saw her standing there, jaw tense, hands on hips, shaking her head.

"What? I'm tired. I'm gonna get a cab to Jisoo's." She used to tease me about taking cabs instead of Ubers or Lyfts. It was one of the reasons she called me Grandma. I paused, waiting for some kind of joke, some sign that this wouldn't be the end of everything.

She gestured for me to be on my way, said: "Don't let me keep you," then turned away from me.

It was happening. The thing I was most afraid of. I was losing my best friend. As always, she was giving me what I thought I wanted and I was the bad guy. I tried to summon my reliable old pals, irrational anger and unjustified resentment, but I was too tired for that. I was too sad, even for cheese and donuts.

I returned to Jisoo and Bobby's by cab, stood at their door for five minutes fumbling around my bag looking for my keys, before Bobby opened the door and asked: "Where's Lisa?"

I sobbed on their sofa for an hour before going to their guest room and sobbing in there until I finally fell asleep.

The envelope from Lisa remained, unopened, in the side pocket of my suitcase.

I stayed in bed all day the next day. The day after that, I had meetings with the crew of the short film I would be working on. I took the week-long low-paying gig as set designer for the short film shooting up at Big Bear. I really liked the young director's student films that I saw online, my friend Nayeon was working on it too, it was a set designer film credit (which was a bigger job than set decorator), it was a great script, and the director-producer already had an agent and manager, so the finished product would surely do the film festival circuit, which would mean good exposure for my work, and most importantly—it meant I would have an out-of-town job to throw myself into. I can't imagine how I would have gotten through that week without it.

When it was time to return to the city, on the way back to Jisoo's, I stopped by Winsome to get a take-out order. I told myself it was because I was craving the fried egg sandwich, but really I was craving Lisa. I couldn't call or text her, and if I'd actually seen her, I didn't know what I'd say. But I was hoping to run into her there, because at least I'd know that she had chosen to be in a place where there was the possibility of running into me, and it would be an opening of some sort. But I didn't see her.

Then I had back-to-back house staging gigs for a realtor that Bobby had introduced me to. The houses were all mid-century modern, beautiful with clean lines, and it should have made me so happy to be de-cluttering and boxing up all those personal items and arranging art and books and furniture. But I was always on the verge of tears.

One morning, I woke up at five-thirty and immediately started tidying up every room in Jisoo and Bobby's house except their bedroom and bathroom. I was rearranging the cookbooks in the kitchen when Bobby came in, saw what I was doing, and wisely chose to leave without saying a word. I was in the living room when Jisoo walked in, eating a piece of toast as she was getting ready to leave for work.

"Oh my God, stop tidying."

"I'm almost done."

"You're never done. Did you even sleep last night? You look terrible."

I glanced down at my pajamas, and continued to arrange the throw blanket on the back of the sofa, so that it looked effortlessly dropped there. Jisoo plopped down on the sofa and ate her toast. Watching me. Judging me.

This is who I was without Lisa Manoban. A lady at home in her pajamas, fretting about stuff. She was right. I'm Grandma. I made a mental note to message my former roommate on Facebook to thank her for making those pot brownies. If I hadn't eaten them, and I hadn't been so completely unable to be alone in that state, I never would have opened that door when I heard Lisa yelling and laughing out in the hallway, and I'd probably still be there in that apartment now, alphabetizing my spices.

"How you doin'?" Jisoo asked. "I mean, really."

"Great?"

"Obviously."

"I'm fighting the urge to cut my hair really short. To celebrate this exciting new phase of my life."

"Yeah you should do that."

"Cut it short?"

"No. Fight the urge. I'm confiscating the scissors. And this shitty new phase of your life. You have nothing to celebrate."

"Wow. You are not good at cheering me up."

"Why would I be? I'm not your best friend. Lisa is."

She may as well have punched me in the gut. All of a sudden, I couldn't breathe and everything ached and I felt empty and crappy and lost. God, I missed my best friend, surely even more than I'd miss a limb, or a third nipple. My world had gone from vibrant color to desaturated black and white, and I didn't see the point of anything anymore. I finally stopped tidying up and collapsed onto the sofa with her.

"Honestly, Jen. I really wanted you guys to stay happy forever, but…I thought Lisa would be the one to blow it."

"What do you mean? She did."

"With the way she was acting?"

I couldn't even muster up the energy to say "duh."

"Being jealous? She wants you. She wants all of you. It doesn't excuse the shoving and punching or whatever, but that was just one of the many ways she was acting. She was also acting like the best girlfriend you've ever had. Domestic bliss isn't Instagram-worthy all the time, you know. Not even most of the time. There's a lot of messy feelings and spilled wine and farting."

"I know that. She told me she doesn't trust me, Chu. Because I was secretly in love with her while I was with my boyfriend. I can't ever undo that."

"Did she actually say the words 'I don't trust you'?"

"Yes! Wait—did she? No. She said…Shit. I guess she didn't say it. But that's why she was acting so jealous."

"Maybe. She can get over that. Eventually."

"I'm just so mad at her for not believing me."

"I know. It's not great. But it doesn't mean she doesn't want to. And honestly, we don't know for sure that that's true."

I covered my face. The only thing that was true was that I still loved her, and everything was somehow a mess because of that. I blew out a long breath. "Is she seeing anyone?"

"Of course not. I mean. I doubt it. I don't think so. I don't know. I'm not even sure where she is, to be honest. She told Bobby she's running 5Ks and 10ks on weekends."

"Where?"

"Wherever. You want me to find out?"

"No."

"You sure?"

I didn't answer.

"So have you sent in the divorce papers yet?"

"I need to look them over."

"Have you looked at them at all?"

"I will. I haven't even opened the envelope. God. I can't even imagine how hard this would be if we'd actually married for love."

"Oh my God! Are you kidding me?!" She jumped to her feet and threw her arms up in the air, exasperated. "You did marry for love you dummy! You guys convinced a federal officer of this three years ago—what's it going to take to convince you? I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure there's no legal definition of what kind of love qualifies it as a non-fraudulent marriage."

I loved it when Jisoo got passionate about things. Even when she was passionate about what a dummy I was. Her rage always calmed me down. "I guess we were polyamorous for a few years?"

She smiled. "There you go. She was your sister wife. Now she's your mister wife…At first you were married to the woman, then you were married to her tongue and hands and her penis."

I felt everything collapse inside of me, at the thought of never having the woman, or the tongue, the hands, or the penis again.

"Shit. I blew it, didn't I? I should have just stayed at her house and kept everything the way it was and kissed her and then see what happened. It would have been perfect."

"It wouldn't have been perfect. But it could have been good. And it could have ended all the same anyway. Who knows."

I dropped my head back. "Oh my God, Chu. Why don't you just stab me in the heart?"

"I don't know what else to say. I gotta go, I have a meeting. You gonna be home all day?"

"Probably. Is that okay?"

"Of course it is. You can stay here and be a sad idiot for as long as you want."

"Thank you."

"I didn't mean to place the blame on you. It's always both people in the relationship who mess things up. I just meant that I thought you would have figured out by now how much he loves you."

I finally pulled the manila envelope out of my suitcase, and the divorce papers out of the envelope. She was giving me half of all of the assets she'd earned since we married—half of everything in our joint accounts, half of what was currently in her personal accounts, the car she bought me. I would pay off my student loan and keep for myself the money currently in my own personal account, which is where she always insisted I deposit my income. The mortgage would be her sole responsibility and the house was all hers. Looking at the wording, thinking about what it would mean to actually legally separate ourselves from each other, I guessed this was what people meant when they say "Shit just got real." It felt real. It felt like shit. It was terrible. It felt so final.

In trying to redesign our relationship, I had stripped away more than I had meant to. I stripped away Lisa. And I didn't like how anything looked or felt without her in it. Winsome on Sunset. Los Angeles. My life.

The truth was, I didn't really know who I was before I met Lisa, I was afraid of who I was when I was in love with her, and I didn't really want to know who I'd be without her.

When I wandered back into the living room, Jisoo was gone, but she had hooked up Bobby's video camera to the TV, and the image paused on the screen was of two beautiful happy faces—mine and Lisa's.

It was the video of our wedding ceremony.