*The Choosing*

The woman administrating the test didn't look at her but Katherine could see that what she must have observed on screen had disturbed her. There was a long and uncomfortable silence until the woman cleared her throat.

"You're done…" was all she said before she busied herself typing something into the computer. She avoided Katherine's questioning gaze as she told her that she showed a partiality towards Candor, but she didn't feel at all relieved by that. It was definitely much better to be more Candor than showing partiality towards Amity, but she knew that she had not exhibited anything in the simulation that could be interpreted as peaceful or serene. Then again, she hadn't shown anything truthful either, had she? She wondered how those simulations could ever show anything. How could someone who didn't know the first thing about her tell her what to do? How could a simulation – a simulation! – tell her what the best choice for her future, for the rest of her life was? How did that even make sense?

Still shuddering, Katherine climbed out of the chair and stood, not knowing what was expected of her now. "That was all. You can go now." was all the woman said. She pointed over her shoulder at the door, not even looking up.

With that – and only that – Katherine was unceremoniously dismissed.

She left the building, head hanging low. Her brain was still reveling in the negative feelings the simulation had left her with. The test was supposed to tell the taker what faction they would fit in, but what it had done for her was basically simply confirming that she couldn't choose Amity. Should she follow on the advice – if you could say that it was as much – of the woman who administered her test that Candor was the correct faction of choice for her?

On her way back to Amity, she slacked because she didn't want to get home at all. Test-takers needed to choose which faction they wanted to enter, either remaining where they were born or leaving their families and starting a new life in a new faction. A new start sounded about right to her, but it was nothing easy to be decided in a rush. However, she needed to make up her mind quickly, as the Choosing Ceremony was just around the corner.

She saw the glass dome already from the distance, amidst the green fields and trees and felt a pang of – of what exactly? She wasn't sure. It almost felt like…longing. She had lived there for 16 years, and at least in her childhood, not all was bad times. She remembered sitting on Johanna's lap when she was 3 years old, learning the songs of old. She remembered helping Hannah and Stuart with the horses, brushing them, feeding them. She remembered playing under the large tree with the other children, in between classes or chores. Childhood…childhood was something worth remembering. It was the last four years that she wished she could erase from her life. Thinking about it, it was almost hysterical that four years of constant pain and fear could so easily outweigh twelve years lived in peace and tranquility.

That feeling she felt turned more and more into a mix of anger and jealousy that this peace and happy living-together worked better for others than it had worked for herself. Why couldn't she make it work? Was there something wrong with her? With each step she took towards the settlement, she got more and more upset. Why didn't it work out for her here? Surrounded by beauty, by harmony and generally good people, it shouldn't have been difficult to make it work.

The good thing was that nobody but the test taker should know the results and Katherine made sure to not let anyone get as close as to make her tell. She knew what her faction believed that most Amity born would stay in Amity as it was such a heavenly place to be, but Katherine knew better – so much better. And what was most important, she knew that with the decision she was facing, she could finally get away from the nightmare she was living.

She hid in the stables, her usual hideaway. Here in Amity, nobody would lock their doors, everybody shared whatever resources they had, and the community – for most of the people living there – provided a safety net where everybody could feel at ease and live untroubled. Most of the people – not all of them.

Katherine huddled herself into a corner, listening to the peaceful munching sounds the horses made while eating their nightly hay and the occasional braying and nickering, and slowly, sleep overcame her and she fell into a dreamless slumber which brought some but not much rest.

The next day, the day of the Choosing Ceremony, together with all the other 16 year olds from all five factions, she was led into the huge auditorium. Everybody was so excited and the majority even chatty, but she felt as if she and the others were like cattle herded to slaughter.

The choosers were all sitting next to their parents in the section corresponding to their faction. She sat on the far left side of her section, with her father beside her. She tried to appear calm as the unspoken question still lingered between them. But his face said it all – where had she been last night? She wouldn't say and he wouldn't openly ask but she hoped that he would not get a moment alone with her. It was all smiles and peace on the outside but she knew how he was on the inside – the monster that he was hiding.

A tall blond woman, dressed in a neat Erudite-blue pencil dress, introduced herself as Jeannine Matthews. Her voice was strong and engaging, her appearance impeccable and self-assured and her demeanor almost commanding. Katherine saw that many candidates visibly relaxed. As she still hadn't made up her mind as to which faction to choose, she tried to imagine herself wearing the blue of the Scholars. Could she ever even be a Jeannine Matthews?

"One hundred years ago, after the war, our founders created a system they believed would prevent future conflict and create lasting peace, the five factions. You all underwent an aptitude testing to assign you to one of the factions, based on your personality. While it is our belief that choosing the faction indicated by your test is the best way to ensure success within the faction system, it is your right today at this choosing ceremony to choose any of the five factions, regardless of your test results. However, once the choice has been made, you cannot undo it. I want you to choose who you truly are and where you truly belong. Don't decide on something as naive as a whim. You shouldn't choose because you wish you were someone you're not. You should choose because you honestly know yourself. I ask you to choose wisely today. And I know you will. Today, each of you to will claim your rightful place. The future belongs to those who know where they belong. When you leave this room, you will no longer be dependents but full-fledged members of our society. But let me remind you the principle of our way of life: Faction before blood."

The audience became alive as one voice: "Faction before blood!"

"Faction before blood." She repeated. "It's an important ideal, but sometimes difficult to fulfill. It goes against our fundamental human nature. But that's exactly the weakness we need to overcome. Human nature is the enemy. It's human nature to keep secrets, lie, steal. We have to work together to keep at bay what our Founders so devotedly eradicated. That's how we'll maintain a stable, peaceful society." She smiled and Katherine felt a cold shiver run down her spine. That smile was so perfect it was intimidating.

Then, another man with graying hair and a tight and angry face, wearing Abnegation clothes, began reading through the list of names.

While others were called and made their decision, Katherine's eyes darted across the five white bowls. Each bowl contained the founding materials of each faction and by cutting your hand and dropping blood onto the faction materials you chose the faction you thought represented you best. From left to right, the bowls represented Abnegation, Amity, Candor, Dauntless and Erudite. Many of the candidates had their mind made up already; their decision taking was quick and firm. Others hesitated and moved their hands from bowl to bowl before they let their blood sign them over to the faction of choice. But in the end, everyone made their choice.

What Jeannine had said actually made sense to her. She shouldn't be choosing because of how she felt, she should be making an educated decision. Trying to get away from an unbearable situation did not count as an educated choice – or did it? She watched candidate by candidate walk to the front, get on the stage and make their choice and work up the courage to live with it.

Then she heard her name being called out and the world fell away – no noise, no movement, it was just her and her fears. She thought she felt her father's eyes burning into her when she finally walked up to the stage and took the knife. She slowly drew it across her palm – savoring the pain as it made her realize that she wasn't as dead on the inside as she thought she was – and let her eyes travel over the five bowls.

Stone. Abnegation was the faction that valued the needs of others above the needs of oneself. Members of Abnegation would take over the public services in the city. If chosen, you had to show their leaders that you are selfless enough to be in that faction by doing 30 days of community service. She couldn't possibly choose Abnegation, she wasn't selfless at all. She was actually very selfish, thinking only about herself and wanting something that others might define as revenge.

Soil. Amity. Her own faction. Peace and Harmony above all. How pathetic. The only thing she knew for sure was that she wouldn't under any circumstance choose Amity, even if it meant to become factionless. Anything but Amity.

Glass. Candor valued honesty above all else. Through the years, the Candor faction provided the people with trustworthy and sound leaders in law. They are very truthful, sometimes to the point of being tactless. They believed that if the person revealed all their secrets, they have no desire to lie about anything because the worst is already in the open. As in her Aptitude test, Katherine was told that she had a certain inclination towards Candor. She guessed that choosing that faction would be a wise choice to get the truth into the light. But she felt the initiation process too threatening as the council would use a truth serum and ask deeply personal questions in front of all those in the faction. Since Katherine believed she was to blame for what she had been through, she was scared of how the council would judge her as they valued honesty and order over everything else, even if the truth was painful and she wished they wouldn't.

Coal. Dauntless were the strong soldiers of the factions. Dauntless were those who guarded the Fence, making sure no one got in or out, and were the best soldiers. Dauntless were those who were brave, seeming almost fearless. Katherine liked the idea of becoming fearless, yet she wasn't sure if there was anything left within her that could be considered as fear. Hate was not fear. But she still indulged the idea to be like them, to become courageous and indestructible.

Water. The dedication to knowledge, intelligence, curiosity and astuteness was what made Erudite a very interesting choice for many candidates. They believed, just like Jeannine Matthews, that human nature was to blame for everything that was wrong with society. Erudite ruled over reason as if they owned it. With their great thirst for knowledge, they were also considered to be the ones easily susceptible to moral corruption as knowledge ultimately led to lust for power. Katherine was afraid of power as she was afraid of those with power, like her father. Power meant lies, lies meant pain and pain meant fear.

And it was exactly that fear – that resentment – that she felt thinking about her father that made her finally hold her hand and squeeze her fist shut over the coals. The sizzling sound of her blood as it vaporized caused her to shiver but she bit her lip, swallowed her fear and lifted her chin as she walked over to the section where all the Dauntless born initiates and their parents sat. The room was undeniably quieter than after the decisions of the other transfers and it terrified the wits out of her.

Someone from the first row stood up to give her his seat. His eyes were wide and his mouth was open, he obviously was in shock. No Amity ever had transferred into Dauntless. Seeing Dauntless defect into Abnegation or even Amity however was nothing too peculiar. It happened every single year. But her decision seemed to have caused quite the shock. She was shocked herself.

Katherine could feel the eyes of many staring at her, drilling into her, but she sat down with her hands folded in her lap, her face set to stone, her teeth clenched and her heart pounding so hard that she dreaded that the people around her would hear. She felt her face hot and flushed, and her ears rang. She felt as if she was about to get sick but she knew that now she could not show any regret or weakness – any emotion at all.

There were only a handful of candidates left and Katherine watched each of them make their choice, but she didn't register anything. Her hands were clenched together to hard that her knuckles had turned white and there was an uncomfortable stinging pain cursing through her fingers. Her mind, however, was numb. She didn't dare to direct her gaze at anywhere but the stage and when the ceremony was finally over, she followed the large group of "new" Dauntless – like a sheep - out the back door into her new life, together with the other initiates. She didn't look back at her faction, her friends, her father. She was glad to not go back to Amity as it had never been her home. She could be "not at home" anywhere else.