PART FOUR

"Mom, hey." I said into the phone. I was sitting in Derek's office and waiting for him to end his surgery. My working day was over, and I wanted nothing more than to go home and fall asleep in my husband's arms, but I had to wait for it. His surgery would end in about an hour, and now I have sixty minutes of free time.

"Hi, I'm sorry that I couldn't call you earlier. I got pulled into an emergency surgery. My patient was in the accident, and I had to repair his liver." My mother explained. My mom, Dr. Ellis Grey, is well known general surgeon that has won three Harper Avery awards and done few successful trials. She is the reason why I went to the med school and became a surgeon.

My dad died when I was two years old in a car accident. It was dark and early winter's morning. My dad was working as a firefighter and was on his way to the work, when drunk car driver hit him. Together with the car he was thrown into the river, and drowned before rescuers came. When mom got call that morning, our lives changed. My father was dead, Ellis lost her husband and their unborn child two days later. My little brother Thomas who at the time was eighteen weeks old, died in my mother's womb. It was a big loss for our family, and took months to recover.

"Did he survive?"

"Yes, but he is paralyzed from waist down. A piece of metal damaged his spinal cord, and there was nothing we were able to do."

"Derek had a similar patient few months ago, but she died eleven hours later from a heart failure."

There was a silence, but then my mother spoke again. "How is Derek?"

Ellis knew Derek's medical history, and also she was the one who got the best surgeons for him. To the other's she might look like an iron lady without feelings, but it's not true. The real Ellis Grey is caring mother and person, ready to do everything for her loved one's. I was very happy when my mother announced that Derek is like a son to her. I was afraid that she would be against our relationship, since he is five years older, but that was nothing in my mother's eyes.

"He says that everything is fine, no chest pain or shortness of breath. He is drinking his pills…"

"But you are afraid that he is not telling you the truth."

"I trust my husband, but I also know him. If there is something, Derek will keep that in secret, so I wouldn't get worried about him."

"Has he seen a doctor recently? I can call McQueen and ask him to come to Seattle if needed."

"There is no need to involve McQueen. Derek has seen Dr. Altman, head of cardio in Seattle Grace. She said that everything looks great." I said, and stood up from my place on the couch and walked to the big window in his office. I know that I had to ask mom that question, but I didn't know how.

"Meredith, is everything alright?" My mother knows me as good as Derek, and she is able to feel if something is wrong with me. Growing up, it was just the two of us, and I consider my mother as my best friend. I can trust her with everything, and she will always find a time to talk to me, come here and get help if needed.

I took a deep breath and started telling her everything. Starting from the loss of my child and ending with wanting to try again. I explained her my concerns, my pain and fears, wiped away a few tears that had escaped my eyes and listened to her words. It felt good opening about my pain to someone, someone who could understand the pain and help to get through it. I really want children, but the past is holding me from it.

"Your husband is right. You have to let it go, and move on. Don't let your fears keep you from your dreams and happiness."

"I have tried so hard to forget, but…"

"You will never be able to forget it completely. Memories will stay, but with time pain will go away." My mother replied, and I was able to sense sadness in her voice. My mom and I were close, but she very rarely spoke about my father and my brother. It was painful for her, and I am glad that Anthony (my step-dad) is making her happy. They don't have any children together, but I consider Tony my father. He raised me, and I couldn't be more grateful for that. Not a lot of man would raise other man children.

"I will try mom, I promise." I said and wiped the last tear, as I head footsteps approaching Derek's office. "Derek is coming. I will call you went we get home and tell you about our interns."

"I will be waiting for your call. Say hello to Derek from me, alright?"

"And you say dad that I miss him."

"I promise." Just as Derek stepped in the office, I finished the call.

Derek looked tired. He barely managed to keep his eyes opened, but tried to hide it. I think he forgot that I am his wife and I know him. When my husband closed the door of his office, he pressed his back against the wooden door and closed his eyes. Derek pressed one of his hands over his heart and let out a long breath. One look at him, and I was able to see pain in his face. With every breath he took, pain on his face stayed.

I was out of sofa in a few seconds and in front of Derek. "Let's sit down." Without any fighting, we walked towards leather sofa, and I helped him to sit down. "Deep breaths." I reminded him, and walked to his desk and took his pills and bottle of water that were placed in the first drawer.

"Here, take this."

"Thank you."

"Should I call Teddy?"

"No. The pain will go away." My husband opened his eyes, and looked at me. "It's already getting better."

"How often do you feel pain?" Derek didn't reply me instantly, and it was enough for me to understand it all. This wasn't the first time it happened, and he had been lying to me. This morning he had said that everything was alright, that he wasn't feeling any pain and that there weren't any problem. I should be angry at him, because trust is important, and I feel betrayed, but he had his reasons. Derek never liked talking about his disease and being treated like a child, and I knew that he didn't want to me to worry about him, but I will always worry about him. "Derek…"

"Meredith, don't." He tried to sit up, but I put my hands in front of him and stopped his movement.

"No, I am not going to let you walk out of here like nothing had happened. I know you don't like being treated like child, but you are forgetting that you have - "

"I am perfectly healthy! There is nothing wrong with me."

"The chest pain says otherwise." I pointed out. "Something is going on with your heart, and don't blame it on the stress. We have been back in work for one day, ONE DAY. You are going to go and see Teddy."

"I saw her a few weeks ago."

"And you will again. I don't want to lose you Derek, and you know it. I am afraid, fucking afraid that something will happen to you and you will leave me alone! I want a lifetime with you, grow old and see our grandchildren running around our land. I want to be the mother of your children, but how will I do that without you?" Tears were falling from my eyes, but I ignored it. "I know that you were hiding your pain, so I wouldn't worry, but think about me for one moment. I will never stop worrying, because I love you. You are my everything, Derek, and without you, I am nothing. Please, think about your health for a moment and forget that you have to be strong for me."

I felt him move behind me, and not a short moment later he had his hands wrapped about my body from behind. He was holding me while I cried about him, about us, about the child we lost two years ago…