Chapter 6 Erin

Author Note: Thank you all for the reviews. This chapter was a struggle to write and I'm not sure it's my best and I'm not really completely happy with it. But I do hope you guys enjoy it. I tried to give some insight into Erin's head space and the issues that she has never really dealt with. I know a lot of people are upset with Erin and her decision which I get but sometimes in life we all make mistakes some little and some big.

She had been so defeated when she left Chicago. She knew she crossed a line with that suspect but she justified by saying she was trying to find that little boy. Erin was destroying her life again but this spiral was different than the one with Nadia. This time she just felt so utterly defeated. Bunny was draining the life from her, she had lost Jay, and she was most likely going to use her job. Her whole world was crashing down around and she didn't know what to do. So she did what she does best and ran.

Her life in New York revolved around work and nothing more. She didn't have a social life and she didn't try to make any friends despite her co-workers efforts. She was cordial with everyone she worked with but she never let them into her personal life. The people in New York and this team were not her family. She had left the only family she really had back in Chicago without as much as a goodbye.

She had been working with the FBI for a month and several weeks into it she started feeling nauseous. The nauseous she could handle but what made it worse was feeling like you were going to throw up but never actually do. Her partner Mike at work was the one who jokingly suggested that she might be pregnant. But Erin just laughed it off. The thought stayed in the back of her mind for days. So one night she decided to bite the bullet and buy a test. She stared at the test for an hour before she actually took it. Finally she grabbed the test and headed to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later after reading the results she still couldn't believe what she was seeing.

How could she Erin Lindsay be pregnant? Alright, she knew how she got pregnant but that still didn't stop her state of disbelief. She couldn't be mother. Her life was a mess right now. Sure she had a job, but it's not one that she really wanted to take. Hank had arranged this whole thing to save her career. Then there was the way she grow up; Bunny was no role model and Erin swore that when she got older she wouldn't bring a child into her messed up world.

Jay. What was she going to do about Jay? No. She couldn't think about that right now. She wasn't even sure she was keeping this baby. She needed to call her doctor and find out what her options are. She called the doctor first thing in the morning to see and schedule an appointment for later in the day. The doctor informed her that she was three months pregnant and she still had time to decide what she wanted to do.

Two weeks later and Erin was no closer to a decision but she couldn't think about that right now. They were about to raid a home grown cell group that they have been eyeing for seven months. The team was geared up and ready to go. The raid was supposed to be a simple on that they have down multiple times before. Everything went find when they entered the building. As they were securing the building Erin went to check a side room on her own and was tackled by one of the suspects and got the wind was knocked out of her. When she hit the ground she her gun was knocked out of her hand. It took her a minute to regain some control of the situation and he was able to land a punch to her attackers face . But he quickly gain control again and delivered a blow to her face and stomach before he could do any more damage she heard the shot and felt his body fall into her. Her partner moved the body off her as Erin laid on the ground clutching her stomach trying to catch here breath.

"Erin are you ok?"

"Mike I need…I need you to call an ambulance."

"Are you hurt?"

"No but I'm pregnant. I just need know if the baby is okay?" She says with tears in her eyes.

"Okay." He says as he helps her up.

Erin is in the hospital for what seems like an eternity before the doctor comes in.

"Hi, Erin. I'm Dr. Rickards I'm told that you are about twelve weeks along. Your chart also says that you took a blow to the stomach."

Erin nods her head.

"Are you experiencing any cramps? Bleeding?"

"No"

"Well those are good signs. I'm going to do an ultra sound see what's going on."

The doctor moved the transducer around her abdomen looking for the baby. Erin holds her breathe as waiting to hear the heartbeat. As more time passes and she doesn't hear anything she thinks that she deserves this. She thinks this maybe punishment for her debating whether or not she was going to keep the baby. Maybe she doesn't deserve happiness. But then suddenly the room fills with the sound of her baby's heart and she begins to cry tears of joy.

"Is the baby okay?"

"Everything is looking good. You're little one is cooperating. Would you like to know the sex?"

Erin stares wide eye at the doctor and whispers, "Yea."

"Congratulations! You're having a girl."

The next several months fly bye fast and her due date is fast approaching. The pregnancy had been a struggle for Erin. She hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy. The one person she should have told she couldn't make herself do it. Jay had tried calling several times since she had left Chicago but she never answered the calls and then they stopped. She thought it was for the best and maybe this was a sign. He didn't deserve all the baggage and drama that she brings. She was a mess and she didn't want Jay to feel obligated to pull her out of this mess again. She thought about telling Hank but he had cleaned up her mess to many times before and now she needed to fix her life by herself. It was time that she take control of her life.

In the end the only person who she told was her brother Teddy. Teddy was there for her during the most grueling labor of her life. He held her hand and gave her encouraging words as she screamed and cried that she couldn't do it.

"Erin, you're the strongest person I know. If anyone could do this it's you." He looked his sister in the eyes and said, You're going to be an amazing mother."

As she stared back at her brother with tears in her eyes she gave one final push and the screams of her daughter filled the room. The emotions that run through her as they place her daughter on her chest for the first time is overwhelming. After a while the nurses cleaned the baby up and brought her to Erin.

"So, does my little niece have a name?" Teddy asked.

"Nadia." She says with tears in her eyes.

"Nadia Emily Halstead."

The two weeks after Erin brought the baby home it had been hell on earth for Erin. She was sleep deprived and the only thing that Nadia seemed to like to do was cry. Today had been the worst Nadia had been crying nonstop and Erin didn't know what to do. Erin looks down at her daughter crying and says, " Sweet pea, I don't know what's wrong?"

"Please stop crying" She says as she slides down to the floor with the baby in her arms. She reaches for her phone and deciding g the only person that she knew who would know exactly what to do.

The knock on the door pulls Erin out of her thoughts. She gets up to answer the door with the screaming baby. She pulls the door open and says, "I didn't know who else to call. She won't stop crying and I don't know what to?"

Olivia takes the screaming baby from her mother's arms and begins rocking her. Nadia begins to quiet down. Erin watches Olivia expertly handle the baby and she turns and walks into her bedroom leaving Olivia with the baby. Olivia looks around the room for Erin but doesn't find her. She does notice that the living room in shambles. There is clothes all over the place and the kitchen is mess. Erin emerges from the bedroom. She stares at the quiet infant in Olivia arms.

"She hates me."

Erin voice startles Olivia, "She knows your stressed and she is picking up on that."

Erin shakes her head and says in a quiet raspy voice, "I can't do this." As she grabs her coat and heads toward the door.

"Erin. " Olivia tries to stop her but Erin is already out the door. Olivia finally gets the little girl to sleep. She begins to clean up the apartment for the young mother. An hour later she hears the door to the apartment open. Erin doesn't say anything as she puts her coat up and places her keys on the counter. She looks over at Olivia who is watching her from the couch.

"Is she sleeping?"

"Yea. She fell asleep a while ago."

"I'm sorry." She says with tears in her eyes.

"Erin…

Erin interrupts her, "I didn't get very far. I just sat at the end of the hallway and cried. I'm pretty sure my neighbors think I'm crazy." Erin pauses and Olivia waits for her to continue. "I couldn't leave her," she says as she moves closer to the bassinet that here daughter is sleeping in. "Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. She cries all the time and I don't know how to fix it. I just needed to breathe for a minute."

"Erin, I'm not judging you. You're a new mother and you are dealing with a lot of emotions right now. "

"It's just so hard. I feel like a bad mother."

You're not a bad mother but I think you might be suffering from postpartum depression. I think that you should see someone"

"Okay" Olivia stands up and pulls Erin into a hug.

"You are not alone."

It has been one year since Erin decided to seek help for her postpartum depression. She was always skeptical of therapy. She tried it for a while with Dr. Charles but she eventually stopped going. But this time was different for her, she had a little girl who depended on her and she needed to step up and be the mother she knew she could be. Opening up to her therapist had been scary at first but once she started it was like a weight being lifted off her.

After several sessions with her therapist they broached the topic of Jay. Her therapist encourages that she needed to tell Jay about the baby. But Erin told her she couldn't do it yet. So her therapist suggested that she tell someone else she was close to and maybe that will help gain the courage to tell Jay about the baby. Erin took her therapist words and consider them but fear still gripped her. She finally told Hank about Nadia when a few weeks after her first birthday. Hank was disappointment that she didn't tell him sooner and she apologized to him for that.

"You know I love you kid."

"I know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"What's done is done. But I gotta ask who's the father?"

Erin held her breathe, "Jay"

"Erin. He needs to know." He said in that fatherly tone that she hated so much.

"I know. I need to tell him. I'm just not ready yet and I know he is going to be so angry with me when he finds out." Erin lets out a breath, " I've made a mess of things. That's all I'm good at"

"That's not true. Kid, you made a mistake and you still have a time to fix it."

"I'm not ready to face everything yet. I'm still trying to fix me. I'm not ready to come home yet but one day I will be."

"I won't tell him. When you are ready to come home I'll be here."

*Two years later*

Erin new what her therapist was going to say. They have been having the same conversation for a while now. "Erin the longer you put it off the worst it's going to be."

"I know"

"There has to be a reason why you keep putting off telling him. So, I want you to tell me the real reason why you won't tell Jay about the baby."

Erin sat there for thinking for a few minutes before she answered, "I feel like he deserves better than me. He doesn't deserve to be trapped with a kid. I love Jay but we also hide big pieces of ourselves from each other. Maybe we just weren't meant to be and I think that scares me and if I tell him then he is going to feel obligated to stay when he could do so much better. I feel like I am trapping him like Bunny has down with the man she claimed was my father for years. I don't even know who my real father is."

"Don't you think that you should give Nadia what you didn't have? A chance at knowing her father."

Her words stung. She was acting like Bunny keeping the truth from Jay and Nadia.

"Erin if you keep letting Bunny's action rule your life you are going to remain stuck. You need to let the past go. You can't change what happened but what you can do is move on from it and try not to repeat her mistakes with your daughter. I can't force you to tell Jay. You're going to have to do that when you are ready. But you do need to tell him at some point or you are going to regret this for the rest of your life."

After she left her session she called Hank and told him that she was ready to come home and make things right.

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