Off the Leash

by corvusdraconis

SSHG, Young Hermione had the most unusual babysitter as a young child. He literally followed her home from the art museum during her parents' holiday. (COMPLETE)

Summary: SSHG, Young Hermione had the most unusual babysitter as a young child. He literally followed her home from the art museum during her parents' holiday. (M) for words

Beta Love: The Dragon and the Rose, Dutchgirl01

Trigger Warning: Attempted (but utterly failed) rape

---

Off the Leash

Men are more easily governed through their vices than through their virtues.

Napoleon Bonaparte

---

Mrs Granger was having a dreadful afternoon at the Met Cloisters. She was sleepy from jet lag, and young Hermione was fussing and cranky from the long flight and subsequent being dragged to various places, and Mr Granger had rushed off for the loo after having had an unpleasant reaction to the meal offerings on the plane ride from London to New York in the States.

Still, the Metropolitan Museum of Art had so many interesting things to look at, and Mrs Granger had dreamed of seeing many of them since she was a young girl. They'd managed to see many things in the main Fifth Avenue museum, but on the third day they were trying to see the cloisters. They'd saved to make the trip across the pond, and their growing practice was going to be to the point where they couldn't leave for holidays between work and looking after Hermione—

Poor Hermione was much too young to see the actual value of such things, but one day, she hoped to bring her daughter back to see the Met and the cloisters when she was older and could appreciate it. Hermione might not remember much at her age, but at least some of it kept her attention even in her jet-lagged crankiness. While the main museum had been vast, on this particular day, they were visiting the cloisters where the art related to early Christianity: reliquaries, roundels, stained glass, archways, manuscripts, and all.

Hermione passed the statues with a slight wrinkle of her nose, eyes flicking from one to the other, but the many statues of the Virgin and Child did not seem to catch her eye any more than anything else. She did, however, quiet down and look around raptly, and for that Mrs Granger could only be thankful.

Hermione eyed the portal from the Church of San Leonardo al Frigido from 1175, her bright brown eyes flicking from the scenes of the Annunciation and the Visitation and Saint Leonard of Noblat, the patron saint of prisoners. She looked further up, squinting as if to bring the scene of Jesus' Entry into Jerusalem more into focus, but then she lost interest as it did not seem to have what she was looking for.

Hermione was, at least for a while, fascinated by the stained glass of Theodosius arriving at Ephesus. She was attracted to the deep blues and vibrant reds. Even so, she scrunched up her little face as she found something was somehow lacking in a way that only her childish mind could fathom.

When Hermione found the copper aquamanile shaped like a lion, she stopped and stared at it intently. Her hands pressed up against the protective glass as if to touch it.

"No, Hermione, we cannot touch," Mrs Granger said sternly. "We can only look."

Hermione reluctantly removed her hands from the glass, and the nearby security guard seemed to relax at his post. While the object was hardly in real danger, someone would have to clean the child's fingerprints off the glass.

"Mummy, it says lion, but where is its mane?"

"See those scratches in the front? The rough texture? That is supposed to be the mane," Mrs Granger explained.

"He looks like someone poked his bum," Hermione suddenly announced.

Mrs Granger had to snort a laugh. "It does at that, love," she assured her daughter.

"Why is there a dog coming out of his mane?"

"That's where the water came out. It's a hand-washing vessel."

Hermione's face wrinkled up again as she pondered. "Okay," she said and walked on, no longer as interested as she had been.

Hermione seemed far more interested in the actual cloisters such as the Saint-Guilhem Cloister that had been taken from the old monastery of Saint Guilhem le Désert back when many parts of the old cloister had fallen into the hands of local citizens. Some American sculptor had purchased pieces of it before World War I, and they had been painstakingly reconstructed into columns, pilasters, archways, and all.

Again, Hermione looked upward to where some unidentified beast whose stylised curls around the head and neck seemed to suggest 'lion' stared down at her. She stared back up at it with intense concentration but then sighed, continuing on.

Mrs Granger guided Hermione over to a bench to wait for Mr Granger, and Hermione yawned as her child's mind and body were quickly growing rather tired. Mrs Granger knew that she would start fussing over the most trivial things if she didn't get some food into her soon.

Yet, before they could do that, Mr Granger would have to make his way out of the loo, and it wasn't looking like he was finding much relief judging by how long it was taking him to feel up to joining them.

Thankfully, the Cloisters was, at the very least, a bit more peaceful than the mass chaos of the central city of New

York, and even as someone used to the hustle and bustle of London, Mrs Granger vastly preferred the relative peace and slower pace that places like this offered.

Even with the lingering jet lag that was making her feel like she was swimming in a sea of molten tar.

Even if poor Mr Granger was not exactly having his best moment.

Hermione walked over to where a tapestry fragment was contained in glass. It was only a partial tapestry, unlike the main ones such as the Unicorn Tapestry series that spanned entire walls with gigantic expanses of woven fibre.

Even so, this "small" piece depicted what might have been a lion, but its ears were long and pointed. The paws were clawed with impossibly long talons, the rump covered in shimmering scales, and the tail resembled a flail with multiple whips.

Like most mediaeval creatures, many of them were seemingly assembled by committee, often put together with only descriptions of what said beast looked like and then made more powerful with a number of additional attributes. The beast may have well been a lion like the description plaque implied, but it was surely not like any lion she'd ever seen before.

Hermione was utterly fascinated, however, and Mrs Granger noticed how her young daughter reached out as if to go through the glass to touch the tapestry fragment. Yet, her touch seemed oddly respectful, as if she was reaching out to a living thing.

"Hullo, pretty," Hermione cooed. "Are you lonely, too?

Thankfully, Hermione didn't move, and her fascination with the tapestry fragment kept her attention rapt.

Mrs Granger could only sigh with relief and slump a little as weariness settled about her. They had walked through a lot of exhibits and seen so many things, and she was glad of it, but she found she was getting rather exhausted herself.

She considered herself quite fortunate that Hermione really didn't ask for much as a child. She got tired and fussed, but she amused herself fairly well. She was already reading avidly and she even knew what a mandibular canal was—not many parents could claim their child knew such things at such a young age.

Still, Mrs Granger knew that her daughter would greatly benefit from a playmate, but another child was out of the question. Their home was located in a place where most of the families had grown children, so playmates her age were not easily found. They had thought about getting her a cat for a pet or maybe even a dog.

Hermione was strangely responsible for her age, but they just hadn't gotten around to finding the right pet for her. They were hoping to hit the shelters or the classified ads to see if someone local had free kittens or puppies. There were plenty of animals out there in need of homes, and they weren't going to spend obscene amounts of money for a purebred animal that they would never breed or show.

Mrs Granger stood to greet Mr Granger as he slunk back to her looking like death warmed over.

"Are you—" she began. Well, he admittedly looked like hell, but he looked significantly better than he had before.

"Better," he said, giving her a brief hug. "I see our little angel has found something to catch her interest."

"She's been cooing over that tapestry for a good hour now. She hasn't moved or anything," Mrs Granger said with some amazement.

"Well, let's give her some time then," Mr Granger said, sitting down with his wife and looking quite relieved. "I managed to see quite a bit on my way back to you."

"Oh good," Mrs Granger said, nodding. "I'm glad you could enjoy some of the displays."

Mr Granger nodded. "Didn't come all this way to have the only view being the public loo," he proclaimed loftily.

Mrs Granger snorted. Her gaze went back to their daughter, who was still fascinated by the tapestry. "She's been looking for the 'right' one all morning," she said with a smile. "None of the others quite measured up."

"Oh good, can you imagine trying to explain to her why we can't have a lion for a housepet?" Mr Granger said jokingly.

"Fft," his wife replied.

Mr Granger put his arm around his wife, and she pressed up against him.

An hour later, and with much coaxing, they managed to pry their barnacle of a daughter off the tapestry exhibit, if only with the promise they would come back and visit it again before they left for the night.

Hermione, begrudgingly, agreed.

By the time they left the museum, Hermione was in stable enough spirits. At least until she found out they would not be returning to see the Cloisters the next day. At that point, Mr and Mrs Granger found they had their hands full with a tearful, sobbing, jet-lagged, and exceedingly grumpy Hermione.

The two exhausted parents could only hope that something else in the following museum trips would capture her interest and take her mind off the lonely beast in the tapestry.

---

Tapestry Replaced at Met Cloisters! Museum Closed for Investigation. Authorities Suspect Inside Job!

The fragment of a tapestry ca. 1420-30 housed at the Met Cloisters museum was seemingly replaced during the night by an unseen thief. The tapestry, originating from Upper Rhenish, depicted a fabulous mediaeval beast that, according to museum experts, represented certain vices. Such massive tapestries, represented by the various unicorn tapestries, were displayed in homes as decorations as well as providing some much needed insulation.

Strangely, the tapestry fragment seems intact save for that the subject of the piece is noticeably missing.

CCTV monitoring has revealed nothing, as the cameras went offline during the night. When they came back on, there was nothing recorded. The tapestry in question had been replaced by an exact but subject-missing duplicate. Even more strangely, the dating on the fabric matches the old tapestry.

Officials have made no statements, but museum employees seem to be working with the authorities. Many seem to suspect an inside job, but no one seems to be sure who would go through the trouble of replacing a tapestry fragment with an almost exact duplicate save for the missing beast.

The Met Cloisters will open once again as soon as the investigation is concluded.

---

"I thought you got her—"

"I thought you did!"

Mr and Mrs Granger sat on the Chesterfield together and sighed simultaneously as Hermione loved on her most favourite Christmas present under the tree—a pitch black pup with a silver collar that seemed to have flower-like tassels on it. There was a big ring on the front as if to attach a massive clip or lead, but the moment Hermione touched it, it fell to the floor.

The happy pup licked her face, his body wriggling, tail wagging so wildly that the ornaments seemed to want to fly off the tree from the energy produced by his eager enthusiasm.

All the other presents went ignored as Hermione loved on the wriggling little pup, and the Grangers were resigned to the fact that whether they had planned it or not, Hermione now had a dog.

Hermione eventually opened her other presents quite fastidiously, and much to Mr Granger's chagrin, as Mrs Granger was known to do—very meticulously, so as to leave the wrapping paper perfectly pristine and reusable. The pup remained curled up in her lap, panting contentedly as his person included him in everything she did.

"What are you going to name him, love?" Mrs Granger asked as she cleaned up the folded wrapping paper and ribbon.

Hermione's face scrunched as she thought. "Perry!" she announced. "Short for peremptory!"

The pup panted happily, his tail wagging like mad.

Mr Granger tapped his nose at his wife. "That's our daughter, love."

Mrs Granger just rolled her eyes and put on a grand smile. "Perfect, Hermione," she cooed. "However did you decide on that name?"

Hermione stared at her mum strangely. "He told me his name."

Mr and Mrs Granger exchanged glances and shrugged at each other.

"Alright, love, let's prepare a suitable place for him to sleep. Then, we can take him out to do his business."

Later that night, Mr Granger eyed the empty dog bed they had crafted for the pup and sighed as he found his daughter cuddled up with the pup in her bed—sound asleep.

The pup was staring at him, its eyes seeming to glow in the dark. A mere trick of the light, he was certain.

He quietly closed the door to his child's room, shook his head, and trudged back to bed.

---

Hermione frowned as she heard a kerfuffle going on near the park. It was a dark, rather rainy and dreary day, but she didn't mind. Less people made for fewer nosy questions, and she hated when people said her pet dog was "baleful" or "creepy-looking."

He wasn't baleful or creepy at all.

He was perfect.

So what if her parents couldn't see he wasn't really a dog? What real dog had a lion's mane and a cluster of whip-like tails or a scaly rump?

No, she was fine that she alone could see it. She never wanted to have Perry taken away from her, so it was a-okay with her if no one else could see him for what he really was.

The beast from the tapestry.

He'd been so very lonely, just like her, and like magic, he'd somehow managed to follow her home for Christmas. It was meant to be. It must have!

"Freak, freak, you're a freaky freak!" she heard the childish catcalls coming from the local park.

Hermione scowled.

As she walked into the park she saw two girls about her age throwing stones at a skinny young boy with long black hair.

The words were nothing. She was used to stupid words, but the stones and sticks? Now that made her angry. You could always ignore words. Her parents said that words only had the power to hurt you if you let them, but stones and sticks? That was physical. That was hurtful!

Perry growled beside her. He was used to protecting her, too. He protected her whenever the ugly words turned into a hail of stones and sticks, and then the hurtful things went away.

"Go away!" Hermione yelled. Her body trembled with her anger.

"Look, there's another freak, Lily! She's a freak too!"

"Freak!" the two girls screamed in unison, throwing a stone at her.

Plink!

Hermione winced as droplets of blood trickled down her face from a nasty cut on her head.

Hermione's hand tightened on Perry's leash, and then, suddenly, her back went ramrod straight, her shoulders went back, and her face became like stone.

She let the leash drop to the ground.

ROARRRRRR!

Perry surged into the high grass with a great leap, a halo of blackened flames taking the place of his leonine "mane" as his tail whips lashed with fury. He tore after the two girls.

The two girls screamed in terror as the big "dog" chased after them. They tripped over their own feet as they ran for it, getting dirt and mud all over their pristine pastel dresses. They staggered and ran, shrieking shrilly at the top of their lungs as they fled for their lives.

A few minutes later, Perry reappeared at her side, his tail wagging merrily as if nothing at all was amiss. He carried his leash in his mouth and whined at her.

"Such a good boy," Hermione praised as she pet Perry and rubbed his ears. She took the leash and held it again.

The boy was staring at her.

Hermione looked up to see wary black eyes staring back at her. "Hullo," she said. Her parents said it was always good to be polite. "I'm Hermione."

The boy's brows knit together, and he seemed to chew on her words for a few moments. "Severus," he said after a long silence.

Hermione looked him up and down. "Are you alright?"

"I didn't ask for your help."

"I didn't ask for your permission to care," Hermione replied.

He stared into her.

Hermione lifted up her chin and stared back.

"I'm—" He grimaced as if unsure what to say. "I'm fine. Thank you."

Hermione relaxed and sighed. "You're welcome."

"That—is not an actual dog," Severus said as he appraised Perry with a discerning eye.

Perry eyed Severus with perked ears.

"You can see him?"

"How could I possibly miss him?"

Hermione beamed. "Mum and Dad just think he's an ordinary dog."

"Then they must be Muggles like my Da."

"Muggles?" Hermione repeated, frowning slightly.

"Unmagical," Severus said. "My Da is a Muggle. My Mum is—was—well, probably still is—a witch."

"She's all green and flies on a broom?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Severus scoffed. "Real magic. Real people who do magical things. Like me." He held out his hand where a wild daisy unfolded in his hand and floated to her.

Hermione's eyes widened as she caught the flower and cradled it in her hand. She bristled with energy as she watched the flower spin in her hand—

And she promptly turned into a slavering beast that looked a lot like Perry.

Browl?

Perry stared at Hermione, tail wagging slowly and then more rapidly.

Rrrow!

His tail wagged even harder, whipping about wildly in all directions.

Hermione's front paws went and felt up and down her muzzle, ears, and nose. She made a baffled growling sort of whine. Her tail knocked over a small sapling, and it fell to the side with an almost forlorn-sounding thud.

Hermione, horrified, took the unfortunate sapling in her mouth and tried to set it right, digging with her paws and patting the dirt back around it with frantic movements.

Yet, where her saliva touched the young tree, it took root and grew rapidly, bursting into a profusion of pink blooms that quickly turned into fresh, sweet apples.

Perry, nonchalantly, took an apple in his mouth and crunched it enthusiastically, tail wagging in ardent approval.

Severus smiled, suddenly looking more than pleased with this intriguing new development. He plucked an apple off the new tree and bit into it with relish. "You're magical, too," he said.

Hermione sat down, whining, completely unsure as to what to do with herself.

"That means we get to go to school together," Severus said. "To Hogwarts."

Hermione's ears perked at the mention of school.

"Not until we're eleven, though," he said with a sigh. "We'll both get a letter—by owl. The actual bird, I mean."

Hermione tilted her head, her ears slightly flopping to the side giving her the houndish sort of look.

"Come on, follow me to the willow. We can sit there," Severus said. "Maybe by the time I'm done explaining, you'll have shifted back. My mum said there are people who turn into animals. They call them Animagi, but—those are supposed to be regular animals. I'm not really sure what you are."

Hermione froze, caught in the process of itching her ear with her rear paw. Her brown eyes widened guiltily.

"Come on," he said, jerking his head in a come hither motion. "Consider it my apology for snapping at you earlier."

Hermione stood, tail wagging despite herself. She took Perry's leash in her mouth and followed after Severus even as Perry snatched a few more apples off the new apple tree as he went by.

---

"Hey, this is our compartment," a mop-haired boy announced with a cocky grin.

"Doubtful," Severus said as he idly flipped a page in his new textbook.

"Oh, and suppose it's yours?" another black-haired child snorted as he took a parchment label and spell-o-taped it to the compartment door with their names on it.

Two more boys shoved their way in, strewing their stuff about as if they owned the place.

"Yes, actually," Hermione said as she snuggled into Severus' warm side as she read her book.

The mop-haired boy sneered and snatched the book from her hands, reading the title aloud. "Attack and Peacetime Protocols : XXXXX Creatures, Immortals, and Extraordinarily Dangerous Beasts of Unclassified Origin?"

Hermione sighed and straightened. "Book, please."

He sneered at her.

"Now," she snapped, a bright flash of magic sparking in her narrowed brown eyes.

The mop-haired boy quickly handed her the book back before he could even realise what he'd done.

"You need to get out of our compartment at once," the other black-haired boy said bluntly, his demeanour that of someone quite accustomed to getting what he wanted.

"Feel free to stay if you wish," Severus said easily. "Your funeral."

"And what are you going to do about it?" The boy looked around and saw the label on the book pile nearby. "Snape."

Severus flicked his gaze up and fixed him with a cool stare. "Me? Nothing."

The door slid open, and there was a low hiss like that of an angry snake. A number of hooded figures in pristine white robes and goblin silver masks stood at the door—seeming to glide in—as the Unspeakables made their entrance.

The boys, previously cocky and oh-so-sure of themselves, paled instantly as the eerie group of Unspeakables joined them.

Hermione brightened. "Welcome back!" she said happily. "The sweeties cart came by, and we saved you a box of toffees, just like you asked."

The tallest of the Unspeakables hissed softly, goblin silver gauntlets forming like claws extended to take the offered box from her hand.

"You're welcome!" Hermione said, beaming. "I hope Perry wasn't too much trouble?"

The cloaked figure shook his—its?—head, eyes glowing a preternatural green from behind the silver mask.

WRRRFF! Perry roared as he bounded in, bowling over everyone and landing on Hermione with his tail wagging furiously. He panted happily, giving her happy slurps of greeting. His neck was adorned with a goblin silver collar with numerous registration tags, and one ear was tattooed with glowing symbols and the official emblem of the Department of Mysteries.

"Just look at how stylish you are, love," Hermione gushed, hugging Perry warmly around the neck. "Now we match!"

The happy "dog" wagged his whipping tails excitedly, knocking the gawping boys arse over teakettle and onto the floor as the Unspeakables nimbly dodged with avid practice, having seen it all and reacted accordingly multiple times before.

Perry shook out his mane, and the tags on his collar jingled merrily. He turned his head, sniffing at the cowering boys. A low, warning growl escaped his mouth as he scented something he obviously did not like one bit. His lips pulled back sharply from his miasma-dripping teeth as he continued to growl at them.

The four boys huddled together in terror. "Don't just sit there! Do something!" one yelled.

"Sorry," Severus said with a disdainful snort. "This isn't my compartment. The label on the door says so." He pointed to the handwritten label with the names Sirius Black, James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew on it. "Might want to ask them to sort it for you."

Perry snarled as he suddenly homed in on one trembling boy with shaggy brown hair and wide green eyes, drool dripping from his exposed fangs.

The head Unspeakable turned to glare at them, glowing eyes smouldering. It jerked its head and hissed, gesturing out the door with a pointed arm and finger.

The four boys scrambled out of the room with all due haste, forgetting about their stuff that was still scattered all over the place.

The Unspeakable narrowed his eyes, and made a gesture with one hand, and the items soared after their owners in a swift rush out the door.

The door to the compartment closed and locked with a soft click, and Hermione and Severus scooted over to make room for their escorts. The Unspeakables tucked themselves in beside them, each pulling out a book to read as they munched away on a small box of the previously offered toffees.

"That went well," Hermione said with a sigh as she found her place in her manual and began reading once more.

Perry flopped down at their feet, yawning toothily as he tucked his head between his paws and closed his eyes.

"I know Madam Bones says that we need escorts until we are settled in," Hermione said softly, "but somehow, I don't think we're ever going to fit in with the other students."

Severus just shrugged. "I'm sure we'll manage to survive," he said.

The Unspeakable near Hermione hissed something.

"Oh, thank you!" Hermione said happily. "I hope so too. I'm going to miss being at the DoM. Master Morgan makes a wonderful fruit salad." "

"He spoils you rotten," Severus muttered with a brief roll of his eyes.

"And you too," Hermione chastened, pointing to the large tome of Potions theory and application.

Severus rolled his eyes again, but the corners of his mouth quirked upward.

Hermione snuggled into Severus' side and tucked into her book again, a smile on her face, as Perry's tail wagged happily, beating a tattoo against the compartment seats.

---

There was an almighty crash, and Flitwick rushed hurriedly into the next room to find Hermione and Severus staring wide-eyed at the crumpled body of one Sirius Black. The student was flat on his back with his cock hanging out; only it was—notably—crooked like someone had bent it in half.

"When I said get bent, that is not what I meant!" Hermione cried, a mortified expression on her face.

"Well, he definitely looks bent to me!" Severus yelled.

Perry was looking back and forth from the injured student to his mistress, tails whipping back and forth in amusement.

"What is going on in here?" Flitwick demanded, knowing it was sure to be barmy from the ground up.

"Black tried to grab Hermione's books," Severus said with a scowl. "He claimed that there were better things she could be doing with her talent."

Flitwick, having not just fallen off the hippogriff, eyed the strange scene with a critical eye. "Mmhmm."

"He tried to touch me," Hermione said, blushing a bright beetroot red. "I shoved him away and told him to get bent!"

Black immediately began convulsing on the ground as his rather tortured satter spatterer bent again in the opposite direction.

Flitwick's eyebrows rose into his hairline, and he waved his wand over the boy even as he sent off a Patronus to Poppy. "Hermione, did you cast a hex on his, erm, bits?"

"Not intentionally, if I did!" Hermione said, looking quite horrified.

"It seems to have gone off whenever you said 'get bent'." Flitwick's eyes widened as Black screamed shrilly, his todger decidedly bending in another direction entirely. "Then again, maybe this is an all-around anyone can say it hex—"

Poppy arrived and screeched to a halt, her eyes widening at the scene in front of her. She threw a glance towards Filius. "I take it there was some unpleasantness going on after class, Filius?"

"I think my apprentices may have inadvertently triggered a rather nasty jinx or hex upon Mr Black involving his bits, Poppy," Filius said with a distinct wince. "It seems to involve a certain catchphrase that I will refrain from repeating lest his unfortunate, er, problem get even worse than it already is."

Poppy grimaced. "And you didn't have anything to do with this?" she asked Severus and Hermione together.

Hermione shook her head adamantly, and Severus curled his lip. "If I were to create a hex appropriate for Black, it would involve molten lava and him jumping into it for a swim."

Poppy's lips puckered. "I see." She waved her wand over Black's body, and his body went completely limp. The boy groaned, perhaps in sheer relief, and didn't or else couldn't move.

"I will get him to the infirmary. Please be sure to submit their wands for tracing," Poppy requested and levitated Black with her as she left.

Flitwick sighed. "She doesn't mean to be so untrusting," he said as he took their wands and ran the trace on the spells cast. They gave their wands over without a word of protest, and there was, as he predicted, nothing suspicious on either of them. He handed them back. "She sees the worst things done to people."

Hermione shook her head. "I don't really mind. I'm used to people always thinking the worst of me."

Flitwick tutted. "That is no reason for it to happen," he said sternly. "People underestimate me all the time, and it is frustrating to have to continually fight such petty prejudices. They said a few times that they didn't think taking on two apprentices would be wise, but at least Amelia is not oblivious to her people's talents. I cannot say that Hogwarts is quite so rational."

"They think your only strengths are in charms and duelling," Hermione observed.

"Idiots," Severus snorted. "If you are capable of duelling, you are capable of so much more than just charms."

Flitwick chuckled. "To be underestimated is actually a great boon in duelling, Severus. That is the nature of duelling. You want your opponent to think they are superior to you, and then you prove them wrong. People think charms are simply wand waving and incantations, and most of it is, perhaps, but there is a subtlety to it that cannot be found without deeper study. Once that is done, you begin to realise how it connects with all magical study. Wandless and wordless spells most of all. It has helped Hermione shift smoother and obtain control over her form, which is more than just study in transfiguration, no matter what the old cat says."

"Did I hear my name being slandered?" Minerva said as she glided in, a bird-eating grin on her face. "Poppy told me there was an—incident."

Flitwick tutted. "Mr Black seems to be the victim of a rather nasty bit of hexwork. Intent was undoubtedly to torture—or perhaps, it was an act of vindication."

"I told Poppy that Mr Black has made a lot of enemies with his bedpost notches," Minerva said with a sigh. "For a boy not even sixteen, he has already gained a very embarrassing reputation with regard to his overactive libido. It doesn't help that he looks considerably older than he actually is—he has charmed his way into the knickers of many an unwary young witch.

"That leaves a lot of potential culprits, Minerva," Flitwick said thoughtfully. "Could be an angry or jealous witch, or even an angry or jealous wizard for all we know."

"Well, Poppy will be doing traces, but it would have to match wands of current students. It wouldn't include familial magic, if said person happens to be out of Hogwarts." Minerva shook her head. "We'll see, I suppose."

Rufrrrrrf, Perry said, tail wagging at Minerva.

"Don't you get any ideas, furry beast," Minerva warned him. She smiled as she pet Perry on the head and rubbed his ears.

Perry wagged his tail, quite happy with the outcome.

Flitwick frowned. "You know those miscreants in Gryffindor, now don't get all uptight Minerva, you know the ones I mean; Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew. They all tended to give these two a very wide berth thanks to Perry here. It seems rather odd that he would try to throw himself at my apprentice knowing full well that the beast was there."

"You're thinking about a compulsion, aren't you?" Minerva said, succumbing to the wiles of a shameless attention-seeking beast who wanted all the pets, thank you very much.

"Or an enhancement jinx," Flitwick speculated. "They were not uncommon once upon a time. Families would use them to amplify certain traits that they desired in their members. They fell out of favour when most families realised that the trait it amplified was completely random—and not always one they wanted."

Minerva winced. "The Weasley curse of fertility."

Flitwick nodded. "Or the Filch family's desire for the most powerfully magical child."

Minerva shook her head. "I think the story of Argus is what got most of the families to stop using that particular spell. Nothing scares a family straighter than sucking the magic out of a child and replacing it with—enhanced crabbiness."

Flitwick flinched. "Aye, that would certainly bring most use of that spell to a screeching halt, I would think."

"Still," Minerva said fairly. "It's not to say that a rival family might not put it to use on someone outside their blood—but it would be extremely strange as it would require an enormous amount of power to fuel a spell outside of the family."

Flitwick frowned. "This may go deeper than some family feud, Minerva," he said. "With rumours of a new Dark Lord giving favour to his faithful—what if he promised great things to say—the Black family? Or—one of the other families who wanted to pressure the Black family into falling into the fold."

Minerva scowled. "The Black family is decidedly divided down the middle. There is Cygnus' side and Orion's—and some say Orion has become paranoid in the extreme as of late. Putting his house under the Fidelius and rendering it unplottable amongst other things."

"Considering how unstable Cygnus' branch of the family has become as of late, it makes sense. Bellatrix turned from a sweet and loving girl to a sadistic witch who is undeniably unhinged. Andromeda is now obsessing over Muggle everything and has all but left the Wizarding world behind. Narcissa—she's become so unbelievably uptight about manners and appearances. More so than she ever was." Minerva frowned for a moment, and then her eyes suddenly widened. "The spell? Do you think?"

Flitwick tilted his head. "Quite possible. It would explain why Orion has become obsessed with barricading his family away from the others—but as I understand it, Sirius pushed away from his family some time ago. They do not get on terribly well. If Sirius was so adamant about pulling away from his father, he would have been a sitting Fwooper just waiting to be targeted by someone like Cygnus. Maybe he even thinks he's doing the Black family a favour—maybe he's already addled. He could have been the first one to go—"

Minerva wrinkled her nose and grimaced. "I have to wonder—if this upcoming Dark Lord is hoodwinking his people into joining him, what if they are purposely seeding vices into his followers to keep them—interested? You know, Fenrir Greyback wasn't always such a despicable excuse for a wizard. He was—admittedly, not a very nice boy—but definitely not the craven pestilential horror that he is now. His obsession with capturing the young—that was a horrifying new development. It started around the time Lyall Lupin was pressing hard for all the anti-werewolf legislation. Fenrir was, at the time, desperate—and then he suddenly became depraved. Preying upon children. Abusing his converts. Nastiness."

Flitwick narrowed his eyes. "It could have been a distraction. What better way to take the eyes off an upcoming Dark Lord than putting something worse before the public? Something that preys on their magical children and turns them into monsters?"

Minerva shook her head. "That's more than just a little horrible, Filius."

"But quite possible," Filius stated firmly. "I will send word to Amelia and encourage her to investigate our suspicions. The DoM needs to know if this is true. If this is about much more than just Sirius Black or even Argus Filch—then the concerns go much further than Hogwarts. It would no longer be something that the headmaster alone would have to deal with."

Filius sent a Patronus zinging off to the DoM. "Amelia will decide what we need to do before we speak to the headmaster about our suspicions. Without proof, he will dismiss it."

Minerva nodded. "Come, let's get some tea before that artery in your temple explodes."

Filius chuckled. "Yes, yes. Tea. Tea would be splendid."

---

"I'm sorry, Madam Pomfrey," Hermione apologised. "I wasn't paying enough attention when the cauldron blew up."

"It wasn't your cauldron that exploded, dear," Poppy tutted. "I heard from Horace that Mr Goyle put shredded agrimony into his cauldron instead of moonflower."

The mediwitch wrapped Hermione's arms and hands with soft, loose gauze soaked with healing potion. "You'll have to stay here tonight, my dear. I'll put you in a slight trance so you don't move while you sleep, and in the morning you should be okay to go."

"Okay, Madam Pomfrey," Hermione agreed. "I'm very sorry to trouble you."

"Tut," Pomfrey admonished her gently. "It is not a problem. I realised that I am often hard on you because you seem to always be in the centre of trouble, but I've now come to realise that trouble simply finds you, my dear, through no fault of your own. Now—do I need to provide your familiar with anything special while he stays here with us?"

Hermione shook her head. "No, ma'am. He's already eaten a bustard today."

"A whole bustard?" Poppy oogled. "Well, he'll be all set then for a while. However did he get one?"

"I think the house-elves mixed up a turkey with a bustard," Hermione said sadly. "He didn't mean to eat an endangered bird. I requested a turkey, but I think they thought the 'shepherd's wild turkey' was the same thing!"

Poppy's expression softened. "Oh, my dear, it's not your fault. I'm sure the next time you will be very specific on your requests for him, yes?"

Hermione nodded.

"Alright, my dear, I'm going to place you under the spell, okay? You'll be drowsy, first, then fall asleep, and then it will keep you in place until morning, okay?"

"Okay, Madam Pomfrey!" Hermione agreed.

"Good girl," Poppy said as she began her incantations. "Sleep well, my dear."

---

Sirius smiled to himself as he crept his way through the quiet infirmary. Pomfrey had finally gone to sleep, and he had needs that needed to be taken care of. While the hex had definitely made things quite agonising for a bit, he realised that he just needed to use a good Langlock to sort that problem.

He'd heard the Mediwitch talking to that tasty little Granger apprentice, and the perfect opportunity to convince her of the Black family's sexual prowess presented itself. She'd thank him for it later.

He crept over to her bed and smiled as images of what he could do to her filled his mind. Such things came in droves, anymore. He couldn't stop them. He'd tried at first. The very thought of girls made him want to run for the hills—before.

Now, however—

He had needs. The more witches that succumbed to his prowess the better.

He stepped closer to the sleeping, incapacitated witch.

A low, menacing growl startled him as his thoughts—oh so focused on his needs—and he had completely missed the dark shape of Granger's familiar lying nearby.

It stood up, and Dark flames seemed to seethe off his neck like a lion's mane. Glistening white fangs dripped an strange, oily saliva in the dark that shimmered with magic. Eyes— with not a pupil and only a field of bright glowing green—bored into him, and he felt his body go rigid.

What was happening?

What the hell?!

Whip-like tails thrashed as the beast snarled and pounced, talons stretched as fangs flashed, and he was on the floor on his back, unable to move, to scream, or even to make the slightest sound.

The beast growled, jaws opening wide, and Sirius instantly pissed himself in terror.

He felt a strange pressure building deep inside him. A searing pain. It was like something utterly vital was being torn from within his body. He saw a number of dark writhing tendrils emerging from himself, and the beast seemed to be taking them in, its body becoming even more massive and more terrible to behold. Its eyes glowed bright in the darkness of the infirmary—razor sharp claws scratched down his tender, unblemished skin, leaving a trail of blood trickling in their wake.

Where the blood emerged, so did some strange darkened miasma—a taint that came from deep inside him.

The beast snarled as the tainted magic joined with the beast, and it stared into him with undisguised malevolence. It knew what he was going to do. It knew! Somehow it knew!

He was screaming, at least inside his head, his thoughts but a jumbled mess of gibbering terror.

The beast's maw opened, and all he could see were teeth—

Teeth and then the blackness of Oblivion.

---

"I have absolutely no idea how this happened, Headmaster," Poppy said as they watched Sirius Black scrubbing the floors of the infirmary and cleaning the windows by hand without magic.

"My boy, you can stop cleaning now," Albus said to Sirius as he scrubbed.

"Oh, no, sir," Sirius said insistently. "This is an infirmary. It needs to be scrupulously clean for the betterment of the patients! I made a mess last night, and I should clean it up."

"He's been like that all morning, Albus," Poppy said with a shrug. "I found him scrubbing the floors when I came in to check on my patients."

Minerva clucked her tongue and observed Sirius' frantic scrubbing for several moments. "I really can't see any issues with this," she said finally. "It's about time that the boy took some responsibility for his horrible behaviour of late."

Albus seemed somewhat sceptical. "I suppose, Minerva, but it does seem a little strange that he's suddenly much more—"

"Responsible?"

"Erm—"

"Helpful?"

"Well, no—"

"A better all-around human being?"

Albus opened his mouth and then shut it with an audible snap, shaking his head.

"Well, I'm sure Orion will be much happier if the chain of witches turning up pregnant and claiming the child is Mr Black's dwindles down to nothing with this unexpected new change in his son," Poppy pointed out.

Minerva's eyebrows shot up into her hairline as Albus became visibly uncomfortable.

"Oh, don't tell me you didn't know, Albus," Poppy scoffed. "I know I certainly wasn't the only one getting owls from Orion Black with regard to his son's hypersexual behaviour."

"I told him that I would look into it."

"So did you? Poppy asked, arching a brow. "Look into it, I mean?"

"Boys will be boys, Poppy," Albus soothed.

"Albus, I've been a Mediwitch for longer than these children have been alive, and I can tell you for one hundred percent certain that there is childhood experimentation and sexuality, and there is whatever Mr Black was going through with more witches than any boy his age should be 'experimenting' with. It's only amazing that he hasn't been killed by a pack of wrathful young witches instead of merely having his cock mangled."

Albus turned slightly green, wincing.

Minerva, shaking her head, walked over to a spot where there seemed to be a set of scorch marks marring the floor of the infirmary. She eyed them curiously. If she squinted a bit, she could almost make out the shape of a—

Minerva shook her head. She decided she needed much more tea in her life, and she promptly marched herself off to find some.

---

"He looks—bigger." Severus assisted Hermione in reaching up to pluck the fruit from the sassy snapdragon fruit tree. The flowers, shaped like miniature dragon heads, hissed and rattled at him in warning, one of them breathing pollen into his face as he held Hermione up.

Perry wagged his tail as he watched them pick the ripe dragon fruits.

Snape rolled his eyes as Hermione carefully plucked only the ripe fruits and put them in the basket, then carefully pollinated each of the flowers by rubbing underneath their "chins" and transferring the pollen from one flower to the others.

Hermione oofed as she slid down out of Snape's arms, setting the full basket down. "These guys are so high maintenance," she said with a laugh, her hair full of dragon flower pollen.

"Professor Sprout says they are like fanged geraniums," Snape said. "They either like you or they don't, and they hate it when you cheat and use magic around them to avoid their bites.

Hermione rubbed one of the lower flowers under the chin, and it happily deposited more pollen on her fingers for her to distribute. She chuckled as she transferred it to the other lower-hanging blossoms. "Do you think we have enough? Should we leave some for the next class?"

"We have more than enough for our share," Severus said as he helped dust the thick coat of pollen off Hermione's curls. "And the shares for the next three classes."

Hermione laughed, sneezing slightly at the rain of pollen. "At least we didn't end up like poor Frank. He was covered in bites and didn't even get any fruit to show for it."

"Probably for the best. He's total rubbish at brewing," Severus said with a huff.

"Severus," Hermione chided.

"It's true, and you know it," Severus said, tucking his chin to glower at her.

Hermione sighed. "I mean, I know, but he truly means well. He just can't get a partner and so ends up trying to do it all by himself."

"You can mean well enough all day long," Severus pointed out, "but it won't help you to get the job done if you're sodding clueless about how to go about it."

"We need to at least try and help our fellow students!" Sirius' voice chided his gaggle of friends. "We shouldn't be pranking them when they're trying to get their classwork done!"

"Sssshshhtt!" James hushed him, hastily looking about to see if anyone might've overheard. "Bloody hell, what's the matter with you, Sirius?"

"Pranking others is really cruel and unfair to them," Sirius said stubbornly. "I'm going to tell Professor Sprout that you put a handful of caterbullies in Frank's bookbag!"

Hermione and Severus walked by with their heavily laden baskets, dodging the kerfuffle as Sirius went down under a bunch of flailing blows from his best mates.

"Idiots," Severus muttered under his breath.

Perry pranced by, his tails wagging merrily as he followed.

---

Severus frowned as he patted his ears, feeling how they were pointed and furry. He sighed. "Now what?"

Hermione and Perry peered at him with the exact same cocked head and baffled expression.

"You, erm, kinda look like Perry," Hermione said.

Perry wagged his tails in clear approval.

"An Animagus is supposed to be a natural animal," Severus objected.

"Seems natural enough to me," Hermione said with a cheeky smile.

Severus sighed. "You know what I mean. Whatever it is that you… um. What we are—is not—normal. We don't even know what—" He swirled his hand around. "This is."

Perry munched happily on a large, extremely juicy apple that had seemingly fallen out of the sky to land in his mouth, tail wagging with glee.

Snape peered at the mysteriously appearing (now rapidly disappearing) fruit with no little curiosity and frowned. "I rest my case." His reformed ears flicked.

"I dunno," Hermione said with a shrug. "I think magic seems to want us to be together. Don't you?"

Severus' expression softened. "I don't mind it, it's just—none of the books have anything on what Perry even is."

Hermione smiled as she pet Perry soothingly. "He's Perry."

---

"They're unregistered Animagi!" James shouted, pointing at Hermione and Severus. "I saw them changing into weird beasts out on the green!"

Minerva rolled her eyes as she shook her head in disgust. "They're hardly unregistered, Headmaster," she scoffed. "The DoM has them already registered as unclassified Animagi. Filius has them practising with me multiple times a week."

Dumbledore drummed his fingers against the desk, and a few licorice snaps bailed from the bowl on his desk and leapt up to wage war upon James' face, starting with his eyebrows.

"Mr Potter, I do realise that such transformations are quite startling indeed to those who are uninitiated with regard to the deep study required for such dramatic physical changes, but I can assure you that Apprentices Snape and Granger are and have been studying under close supervision since they arrived at the castle. Much of their studies were completed even before they came to us. All the relevant paperwork was filed with me prior to their arrival at Hogwarts."

Albus stroked his beard, idly flicking a stray licorice snap off it. It landed on James' head, slid down his forehead, and clamped onto his nose with a rather vicious pinch.

Antlers sprouted up out of a yelping James' skull, and weighted his entire head down to land with a resounding crash upon Dumbledore's desk.

Albus' brows furrowed. "However, Mr Potter, you have some serious explaining to do."

James let out a startled bleat as he felt his arse grow a fluffy tail just before a broad deer's rump burst out the back of his expensively tailored trousers.

Perry's head snapped up to stare at the bizarre deer-boy and he drooled, saliva dripping from his teeth as he sniffed the air hungrily.

James, finding himself caught up in the flood of prey animal-instincts, let out a terrified bleat, and crashed over Dumbledore's desk, into the globe, bowled over the headmaster in his chair and then slammed into the bookshelf, knocking several shelves of books and trinkets to the floor as his legs got tangled up in the gaudy purple velvet curtains and brought the whole side of the room down upon him, Fawkes on his perch and all.

Fawkes promptly burst into flames with an indignant squawk and shortly after emerged from a pile of grey ash as a rather disgruntled-looking chick.

---

"There is something very wrong with those people," Severus hissed as Hermione settled in against him to continue reading her book.

Perry, having been fed up with being unduly bothered by Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin skulking about behind his people, chased the screaming duo into Black Lake where the squid was using them as a ball and racket respectively, seeming to perform a remarkable demonstration of a Wimbledon tennis match with itself.

"I think they need something more to do," Hermione said thoughtfully.

"More like they need to focus on their studies and what passes for their love lives," Severus snorted. "Instead of spending all of their free time trying to get us into trouble."

"I don't know why they have always had it out for us," Hermione said with a sigh. "Maybe it was because of that meeting on the train."

"You'd think running face first into a group of Unspeakables would've made them somewhat less apt to deliberately piss us off," Severus observed.

"You'd think," Hermione said. "But Master Flitwick always says that jealousy often makes for very stupid decisions."

"I suppose they are living proof of that," Severus agreed.

A loud sploosh signalled the squid's end-of-lesson as the two exhausted Gryffindors landed in a heap upon a startled Rubeus Hagrid as he was collecting fresh lake weed at the water's edge.

Severus rolled his eyes and casually flipped a page in his book. "Idiots."

---

"I'm tired of being shown up by those two," Peter bit out as he stabbed his dinner with his fork.

"Well, I can't exactly help you," James said as he, too, moodily stabbed his food like it had personally offended him. His one hand fiddled with the intricate collar around his neck. "Dad won't pay the fine for being caught as an illegal Animagus without me registering first."

"What do you mean he won't pay the fine? He's got money—"

"He won't pay for it!" James snapped. "He says if I can't pay it off myself, then I should have thought about that before I went sprouting those bloody prongs in front of the barmy old coot."

Peter paused then mumbled under his breath, "I could probably do it."

"What are you thinking, Peter?"

"I'll nick the money for the fine, and we'll be able to break out Moony. I can probably kill two birds with one stone."

James scooched a bit closer with a smirk plastered to his face. "Tell me more."

---

"Did you hear the latest? Flitwick's apprentices were caught stealing from all the dormitories!"

"No way!"

"Yeah! They found money in Snape's room, and hair and stuff caught in the hinges of the lock boxes!"

"Whoa! Are they going to be expelled?"

"I hear they are going in front of the Wizengamot for abusing their magic."

"Wicked! Really?"

Peter and James traded smug looks, gloating over a job well done. Remus, looking incredibly tired and weary after his night on the howl, barely managed to reach his Yorkshire pudding.

"Good job, Wormtail," James praised.

"Yeah, they let some beast loose last night on the grounds! Patsy Pecksniff says she heard it attacked some little girl over in Hogsmeade. Tore up a few of the centaurs too!"

"Whoa! A beast? What kind of beast?"

"They don't know, but just look at that hairy beast they've always got with them. It has to be the one, yeah?"

"Yeah! That ruddy thing looks like bad trouble, it should never have been allowed here in the first place!

"They're gonna get it sooo good!"

"I can't wait to see McGonagall and Dumbledore jumping down their throats!"

"Yeah! That'll take 'em down a peg or three!"

A chorus of gasps suddenly erupted in the Great Hall as the distinctive white robes of Unspeakables began to make their way down the aisles. Sibilant hisses instead of speech went from one of them to the others, and the one sporting a bright red sash made a swift series of signals with a silver gauntlet-covered hand. The hand was twisted into a set 0f talon-like claws, and there was no question in anyone's mind that that particular figure was the leader.

At least—until a woman dressed in deep crimson and silver robes walked up behind them, a stern scowl upon her face. Her robes flowed out behind her like flags in the wind, and her blue eyes burned with an inner fire.

"Headmaster Dumbledore," she said in a curt tone. "We are here to escort Apprentice Snape and Granger to the Wizengamot, where their memories will be extracted in regards to the case of the attack that maimed a young girl in Hogsmeade last night as well as the reported thefts that have been turned in to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. We will take into custody the familiar, whose fate will be determined after guilt or innocence has been determined by trial."

Dumbledore indeed grimly. He made a gesture to Flitwick who seemed to want to say more than he was.

The two apprentices stood and walked with the Unspeakables, one of them approached with a muzzle and leash.

Perry growled lowly, exposing his teeth.

Hermione knelt and soothed the beast with soft tones, giving him a hug. She slowly showed him the muzzle and then put it on, giving him a reassuring pat as she lead him off.

As the Unspeakables left, the woman in red gave the room a thorough scan, her eyes taking in everything before she spun and left.

The Great Hall erupted in frantic whispers and conversation.

"They're going to take memories?"

"Can they do that?"

"They're Unspeakables! They can do anything!"

"What happens at a trial?"

"What will happen if they are guilty?"

"Of course they are guilty."

"But what if they aren't?"

Remus, who looked like he was going to be physically ill, rushed out of the Great Hall, his mates following behind him.

---

"This will only take a few minutes, Hermione," the Unspeakable said gently.

"It's okay," Hermione said softly. "I know I didn't do those things."

"This is to confirm it. The Wizengamot will not be able to refute any memories we have taken ourselves."

Perry, muzzled and looking mighty annoyed, rrrrfed nearby, his head resting over his paws.

Hermione, slightly discomfited that Severus had been dragged off to a separate room, tried her best to relax and let the Unspeakables do the work they needed to do.

As promised, in a few minutes, the man was done, and he smiled at her. "There we go, Hermione. It's all a formality, honestly" he said reassuringly. "We know you two wouldn't ever do such things. With the intense battery of tests we had to give you and Severus when you were just barely able to hold a wand, it's not in you."

Hermione huffed. "Master Flitwick is going to be very cross."

The Unspeakable chuckled. "Our Head Boss of Us is already quite cross," he said. "I'm going to take the memories to the Wizengamot. Now, why don't you try to get some rest? I know it doesn't help when we tell you that everything is going to be fine, but—really, everything is going to be fine."

Hermione smiled. "Is the little girl okay?"

The Unspeakable frowned, his fingers running along his jaw as he grimaced. "It looks like she was beaten rather severely, but—she wedged herself into a very tight space under a deck in front of one of the shops. They are hoping—that the injuries are solely from the shredded decking wood. There are so many nasty wounds that until the healers finish examining her, we cannot know for sure just how bad her situation will be."

"The other students said it was the work of some sort of beast," Hermione said.

"Aye," the man said grimly. "The centaur confirmed as much, but—the ways of the Wizengamot don't really take into account the testimony of the centaurs. They are considered to be mere beasts. Their word, unfortunately, is not enough."

"Did they claim they saw Perry?" Hermione asked. She frowned harder. "Or me?"

"No," the man said. "But that is all I can say right now. I must go. Hermione? Do not worry. This is for us unfortunate adults to hash out and take care of. That is our job. To protect those like you who have done nothing wrong."

Hermione smiled. "I believe you."

He nodded to her and tapped her on the chin before putting his mask back on. He took the memory vials and left.

Hermione let out a deep sigh and summoned Perry to give him a hug. "Not worrying is worrisome," she said grimly.

Perry whined and snuggled into her, tail wagging.

---

"We the Wizengamot have found you, Apprentice Severus Snape, Apprentice Hermione Granger, and your familiar 'Perry' to be innocent of all charges," the Head Warlock announced as he waved his hand over the parchment and slammed a waxen seal down upon it. It rolled up into a scroll and flew off, narrowly missing the poor scribe's head.

"We are very sorry that we have taken you away from your studies, and you are perfectly free to travel with your familiar without the requirement of a muzzle or leash," the Head Warlock declared. "It is clear that you both have complete control of your Animagus forms, and you are not suffering from the effects of any curse, jinx, or compulsion. The charges regarding theft have been dropped. You are free to return to Hogwarts with our most sincere apologies."

"Aurors, I expect you to conduct a full and thorough investigation to determine the true culprits of the crimes we have discussed here today," the Head Warlock concluded. "This session of the Wizengamot is now closed."

Hermione and Severus sighed with relief as they removed the harness and muzzle from an equally relieved Perry. He woofed and wagged his tails happily, shaking himself from nose to tail in celebration.

Severus grimaced as his mind and body seemed to be conflicted as to what to do next until Hermione engulfed him with her arms and pressed her body into his with a long sigh. He stiffened at first, his hands clawed outward as if he had been tased, but then he closed his eyes and pulled her closer, pressing his nose into her curls as the tension he had been holding onto finally trickled away.

"Disgusting beasts! They have no business attending such a fine Wizarding school!" a voice hissed angrily.

"Madam Umbridge, please, this Wizengamot session is over."

"This is not the kind of precedent we need to set for your constituents, Cornelius! When you become the new Minister—"

"Dolores!" another man hissed. "We will always do our best to represent what our public desires."

"No! That thing isn't even human, and I can prove it!"

A spell zinged through the air, and several Wizengamot members hastily dove out of the way.

Perry immediately pounced on Severus and Hermione, knocking them down as he took the full force of the blast that was intended for the two young apprentices. The great beast let out a yelp as his body was thrown against the wall from the force of the onslaught, but not before the magic seemed to curl around his body and shoot back towards the caster with a markedly increased velocity.

Vashooom!

There was an agonised female scream that seemed to twist and change into something shockingly different amidst a near-blinding flash of light.

As the light faded to something bearable, several people pulled themselves off the ground as they stared towards where the spell had come from.

A chorus of gasps and screams rang out shortly after as wizards and witches pointed at the source and dozens of flash bulbs went off as one.

Severus hastily pulled Hermione to him and shielded her with his body, moving her back towards the far wall where Perry was shaking bits of plaster and dust off himself with a rather annoyed-looking expression wrinkling his muzzle. His tail was caught up in a coat rack, and he gnawed on it in clear irritation.

Unspeakables took their places in front of them even as Aurors poured in from every direction, wands pointed toward the stands where the largest commotion was brewing.

Severus winced as his eyes fought to process what it was he was seeing. Hermione peeked out from behind in and ears like Perry's shot out from her hair and then flattened against her head.

A woman, and perhaps describing her as a woman was far too kind, stood wearing a girlish pink cardigan and skirt beneath her Wizengamot robes. She had wrinkled bluish-grey skin and had a terribly unnerving smile filled with far too many teeth. Her nose was long and hooked like something from an overly exaggerated fairy tale. Her red eyes glowed eerily with a glob of white where the irises and pupil should be, the strange eyes contained within a dark, almost skull-like socket. She had a necklace constructed of numerous tiny bones—far too like the bones in a child's fingers—dangling around her neck, and a tanned belt made from some unknown skin that caused all those that saw it to shudder violently as their skin crawled in instinctive revulsion. Her fingers were creepily elongated, tapering into points as though her bones had been transformed into razor-like knives, with a thin veil of flesh stretched tightly over the claw-taloned hands.

"Black Annis!" someone cried out in horror.

"Child-eater!"

"Petrificus Totalus!"

"Incarcerous!"

And everything went tits up amidst a hail of screams.

---

Madam Dolores Umbridge Exposed as Monstrous Black Annis!

British parents breathed a tremendous sigh of relief when the infamous Black Annis was captured at a Wizengamot session that took place earlier this week.

Black Annis (whether she killed the original Dolores Umbridge or if there never was a witch called Dolores Umbridge is currently unknown) was exposed when a spell meant to reveal the alleged true form of an accused (and found innocent) victim rebounded and exposed her true nature instead.

The vile Black Annis, a confirmed child and livestock eater, has been blamed for the disappearance of as many if not even more children than the infamous werewolf Fenrir Greyback. Her depraved appetites were not restricted to only magical children; she has been connected to the tragic disappearance of a great many young children from both magical and Muggle areas.

After an emergency session of the Wizengamot, Madam Umbridge was sentenced to life in Azkaban without the possibility of parole and will live out the remainder of her days in a specialised containment cell in the very bowels of the facility. The cell in question has been heavily reinforced with magic and is constructed entirely of cold iron plates and bars.

Some debate has arisen as to whether feeding the creature is even possible as, in her fully exposed natural state, she either prefers or needs to consume the flesh of young children.

---

Headmaster of Hogwarts Under Investigation for Permitting Werewolf Child to Attend School

Subsequent to the vicious attack on a little girl, Miss Rosie Rabbitkin of Hogsmeade, the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, has been suspended pending an investigation for allegedly permitting a known werewolf to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The student, whose name is being withheld as he is still a minor, is being held in confinement at the DMLE during the three nights of the full moon.

Deputy Minerva McGonagall is currently the acting Hogwarts Headmistress while Mr Dumbledore is otherwise engaged.

As for little Rosie, after an exhaustive battery of tests, St Mungo's healers have confirmed that she was only injured by wooden debris from her hiding place and was neither scratched or bitten, much to her parents' quite understandable relief.

Thank the gods and Merlin for looking out for this innocent girl and preventing her from becoming yet another werewolf child!

---

Hermione winced as an unlucky squirrel was utterly obliterated by the cranky Whomping Willow.

"I really have to wonder where Whomping Willows come from. Do animals ever evolve and learn to leave the willows alone or does every place they grow end up littered with countless atomised birds and small animals?"

Severus wrinkled his nose. "With our exams coming up so soon, that's what you choose to focus on?"

Hermione slumped. "I'm having a tough time focusing on my studies right now."

"Obviously," Severus said, arching a brow.

Perry looked up from his meaty rib bone and whufted, tail wagging.

"I feel like something is going to happen," Hermione said softly. "It's been too long since someone or something hasn't tried to get us in trouble, landed on us, attacked us, or just—outright murdered us in cold blood."

"Morbid," Severus commented. "Murder, really?"

Hermione sighed. "You know what I mean, right? It's like—this school is all about drama, and I worry when it's not being overly dramatic."

Severus closed his book with a clap. "Go with me to Madam Puddifoot's."

Hermione blinked.

He stared at her.

"I—" Hermione babbled.

"Would love to go with you, Severus?" he prompted.

"I, uh—nnghhhh, yes?"

"That wasn't so hard, now was it?" Severus said, opening his book again and going back to reading.

Hermione just stared at him, her jaw working soundlessly like a fish out of water.

Severus reached over without looking up from his book and gently lifted her jaw back up. "You'll catch flies."

---

Perry opened one eye to see a rodent squeezing itself under the door to the room, and he froze, his nose working furiously. It smelled of cheese crisps, chocolate frogs, and greasy food, and—

The rat was sniffing around his person's stuff.

That would just not do, yet—

Perry's vision shifted as he sensed something uniquely delicious about this particular rodent.

His tongue flicked across his teeth.

Surely, his friend wouldn't mind if he helped himself to a nice after dinner snack? Especially, a trespassing after dinner snack that was sticking his nose into her stuff—

For whatever reason, most humans seemed to forget that he was there, and that was perfectly okay with him, because they had the tastiest food value outside of a nice meaty bone with fatty marrow in it. He licked his jowls.

Usually content to simply relax with his people nearby, there were times when his other hunger was particularly whetted, and watching the rodent rustle around was making him feel mighty peckish.

Normally, students were off limits, but that was when they kept to themselves and didn't trespass on his home turf.

Where was that rat going now?

Perry watched intently as it scrambled up the side of the bed using the duvet cover as a ladder to get right to the top. The rodent jumped over onto the side table and rummaged around, clasped the stick that he wasn't allowed to chew on in his mouth, and made a mad dash for the door.

Oh, no! If he wasn't allowed to chew on that stick, no walking morsel of food was going to steal it either!

Perry stood and made a mad dash for the rodent. Sliding across the stone floor, his claws scraped across the surface and created a shower of sparks. He slammed his paws down in front of the rodent, and the irritating animal squeaked in terror as it leapt up in the air, squirming in a twisting motion to get away.

Perry snapped his teeth.

The rat barely managed to wiggle out of range.

Perry's paws slammed into the rat, sending it flying away from the space under the door.

The rat made a run for the narrow space under the wardrobe!

It leapt over Perry's laws, dodged his snapping teeth, and—

SHHHHHNNKKK!

A goblin silver clawed gauntlet slammed down over the struggling rat's body and squeezed tightly—so tightly that the rodent's eyes bugged out and it dropped the wand.

Glowing faerie fire green eyes stared a hole into the rodent as the talons squeezed harder. Hissing speech that sounded like a serpent and an air leak had a love child made Perry instantly stop in his tracks and sit down on his haunches, tongue lolling merrily.

A taloned gauntlet held the captured wand securely in its grip.

Perry wagged his tail. Oh, it was their guest!

He wagged his tail even harder. Did the guest want to eat the rodent too? It was pretty fat. It would make for a great chewy snack. He could share. It was always good to share with your guests. His people always made sure to share with him, so he could do that too.

Oh!

Perry began to glow and he realised he could share the spoils of the tastiest part of the prize, and he sank his tails into the rodent's body and drained out all of the luscious, succulent wickedness, making sure, of course, to share the purified treat with their guest!

A blast of pristine magic novaed outward and made the guest, himself, and his person glow in the dark.

Perry licked his chops.

That was a really great snack!

He wagged his tail at the guest, and the silver gauntlet came down to pat him on the head. "Good boy," the Unspeakable hissed.

Perry panted happily, always happy to oblige.

---

"It's a what?"

"A vice-eater."

"A what now?"

"A magical creature that eats—any impurities of the mind."

Amelia Bones rubbed the space between her eyebrows rapidly. She eyed Perry, who was happily gnawing on a dragon's rib to get at the tasty marrow. "Mmm..hmm."

"So, this Peter Pettigrew, he transformed into a fat brown rat, squeezed under the door of the apprentice rooms, took himself on a little tour of the place, found Miss Granger's wand, and attempted to abscond with it. Perry tried to make a nice little snack out of him, to which you were alerted, and you captured him." Amelia frowned. "Then, before you could do anything else, Perry decided to purify the then-rodent's corrupted thoughts and shared it with you and everyone else within a range of fifty paces?"

"That would be correct, ma'am," the Unspeakable said.

"Duncan, how in Merlin's purple Wellingtons does something like this even happen?"

The Unspeakable frowned. "I would presume that is also what turned the Black boy into a decent, law-abiding, community service kind of bloke."

"Ma'am," a man said as he poked his head around the door.

"Yes, Gordon, what?"

"More reports in, ma'am," Gordon said. "There are random purebloods all over Britain suddenly helping old ladies cross the street, rescue moggies out of trees, and turning their most cherished belongings over to charity shops. One of them is Abraxas Malfoy, ma'am."

Amelia rubbed her temples harder. She snapped her head up and glared at Duncan. "You, go find out if all those people doing good deeds have the same strange faded Mark on their arm."

She gestured to Gordon. "You, coffee, in my hand. Two minutes and a full debriefing."

"Ma'am, the Unspeakables said, scurrying to obey.

"And you!" Amelia said, pointing her finger at Perry.

"Browl?"

Amelia sighed. "Carry on."

Perry wagged his tails happily.

---

The Little War That Wasn't

Rumours of a blood war brewing have sputtered out after a strange urge to help others, including Muggles, suddenly blew through the Ministry after being spearheaded by none other than Lord Abraxus Malfoy himself. Pureblood family heads are pressing for more action, eager to be active in both magical and non-magical communities in order to promote a new peace and understanding between our differing cultures.

This comes as a rather severe shock to those who have been warning of an imminent blood war as recently as last week.

Even more strangely, a wizard claiming to be Tom Marvolo Riddle has turned himself in to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement after donating his entire family estate to various charities. Mr Riddle confessed to corrupting numerous underage children in an effort to perfect a spell that would greatly strengthen the magical power of the target of the spell—something that certain of his ardent followers greatly desired.

If Riddle's confession is to be believed, he cast his spells upon the children of multiple pureblood families using the family's own ancient blood magic in combination with a particularly insidious branch of Dark magic. While the magical talent of his targets often did become noticeably stronger, there was always the amplification of another random undesirable trait that came along for the ride.

Currently, St Mungos is overwhelmed with patients due to a severe outbreak of the Canadian Grizzly-Back Whooping Cough, and are unable to respond to the onslaught of prospective patients who are demanding to know if they were somehow ensorcelled by their own families.

(Turn to page 7 to obtain advice about shaving your loved ones if they happen to be afflicted by the Grizzly-Back Whooping Cough)

Unfortunately, exhaustive research into the old spells in question paints a rather grim future for the unfortunate victims of Riddle's alleged manipulations.

"Short of being able to completely remove someone's magic, cleanse it, and put it back in, I don't see this as something that can effectively be countered," Healer Pendergrass stated.

---

"So you want us to study in our vice-eater bodies to see if we can remove someone's magic from their body, cleanse it, and put it back in them?" Severus gave Flitwick a dark glare capable of sending first year students scurrying to hide under their desks.

"How would we even test such a thing?" Hermione whinged, her mind aflurry with all the things that could possibly go wrong and likely would.

"Well, it would be best to start with people afflicted with non-healing Dark magic-infected wounds and work up from there,"Flitwick said, rubbing his chin in thought. "It would hardly be wise to have you experimenting with such things without a basic understanding of how your powers might affect the innate magic of others."

"I don't want to accidentally devour someone's magic!" Hermione fretted nervously.

Severus nudged her.

Hermione startled.

"I would take it out," he said. "Perry would purify it. "You would put it back. Make it a multi-step process where each of us only needs to perform a single step."

Hermione blinked.

"You've always been more attuned to making things right again. Putting things back where they should be," Severus pointed out. "Remember the apple tree?"

Hermione's eyes widened. "Right! The sapling!"

"I've been working on my meditations and have been doing really well. I can have enough control to syphon only what needs to come out. Perry can take care of the purifying, and then you can take the cleansed magical energy and put it back where it belongs."

Hermione tackled Severus and snuggled him fiercely. "You're brilliant!"

Severus grimaced and shoved her off playfully. "Get a hold of yourself, witch."

Hermione just grinned at him.

"I have some exercises for you to practise with," Flitwick said. "There are certain charms that can help you to keep your magic focused where and on what you want it to be, and that will require a bit of practise. You will be working with a handful of specialist healers from St Mungos in order to devise a standardised plan of care that can be reproduced and backed up with a record that demonstrates a pattern of consistent results. I do not want either of you to end up facing some idiot's wrath over a random problem that has no connection whatsoever to what you are attempting to do."

Hermione and Severus nodded. "Yes, Master."

Flitwick grunted in approval as he hopped off the chair he was perched on and gestured for them to follow him. "Come along," he said. "There are so many things we need to do before it's time for your exams, and I've found I'm quite tired of having to juggle the fate of the Wizarding World along with the standard Hogwarts curriculum."

---

"He looks like something really took the mickey to him," Marlene whispered quietly as she passed the tray of crumpets.

"Well, all of his friends have ended up in pretty serious trouble lately. Not that he wasn't in trouble as well," Alice remarked with a shake of her head. "I heard Remus was involved in some sort of criminal activity too, so now he has to perform community service three nights a month."

Frank shook his head grimly. "I heard he turned himself in to the Aurors. Out of guilt over the Hogsmeade girl getting injured."

"Don't be stupid, Frank," Lily snorted rudely, shoving her half-eaten plate of breakfast away. "Remus wouldn't hurt some girl in Hogsmeade or anywhere else for that matter. He isn't like that."

She got up with an irritated huff and moved over to where James was sitting, plopping herself down beside him.

"What crawled up in her knickers and died?" Marlene asked, frowning slightly.

"I really don't know," Frank said with a shrug. "She's been all advocate in-your-face when it comes to those blokes for months now. Like a bloody wannabe barrister."

"She's been writing to Witch Weekly's agony aunt column, too," Marlene confided. "I saw the parchments on her desk."

"For real?" Frank said with a startled blink. "Crikey, I didn't think she was gagging for that kind of help."

Marlene shrugged. "She's been pretty keen on him for a while now, yeah?"

"I always thought she hated the bugger," Frank said, looking rather bemused. "She kept calling Potter a bloody toerag, yeah? At least until she started sitting with him all the time. Weird."

Marlene and Alice just shook their heads and spread a thin layer of marmite on their buttered toast courtesy of the Magical Bridges to Muggle Culture program.

---

Hermione idly munched on a slice of Dutch Edam cheese as she wrangled the Arithmancy equations. She tapped the end of her wand against her cheek as she focused on the maths, but her curls were turning different colours of the rainbow with each tap.

Severus reached over and snatched the wand out of her hand and set it down on the ground next to her book.

Hermione startled. "Whaa-?"

"You don't even want to see the colour of your hair right now," Severus said, his lips twitching in amusement. "It's like a rainbow nested in your hair and attempted to turn you into a clown."

Hermione, looking horrified, hastily pulled her cloak hood up over her head.

Unfortunately, a gaggle of Gryffindor happened to walk by and see it as she did so, and they pointed and giggled, laughing as they walked.

Severus narrowed his eyes, shooting them a sharp glare, and the students fled before Perry could even get up and look appropriately irritated.

"Some guard beast you are," Snape muttered as he flipped a page in his textbook.

Perry wagged his tails and resumed crunching on his mysteriously unidentified long bone.

---

"Snape."

"Potter."

"I—have a problem."

"And how is this my problem?"

James grimaced. "Look, I know we didn't exactly get on well from the start."

Snape's lip twitched.

"And I didn't exactly help things by trying to get you in trouble—"

Snape's black eyes seemed to grow even darker.

"And I didn't exactly discourage Wormtail to stop—"

Severus' smouldering gaze did not waver.

"And, I probably should have confessed to what I did like Sirius—"

Severus' jaw set tightly.

"I think I might've found something in Worm—Peter's old stuff. Something bad. More than bad. Something—"

James sighed, combing his hair nervously with a clawed hand. "Look, Peter's family was kinda odd, yeah? Well, more odd than most. They were always dragging him through the mud and telling him how worthless he was. And then, one weekend, they called him home for some family thing—an emergency or something—and he came back all confident and we thought, okay, well yeah, he must've finally told his parents to stick it, and now they respected him. We honestly didn't think anything more of it."

"It kinda got lost when things started going south for us," James tried to explain, and winced when he realised that it wasn't painting him in any better light.

Peter started talking in his sleep," James said. "I started writing it down because at first it was just so funny that I thought I'd give him the mickey about it in the morning. Well, Peter apparently kept the notes, and I put them all together the other day, and they started to feel like they were leading to something. When they said they were coming to get Peter's things, I took all the notes back because I had written them, and I wanted to remember him—Look. I know I'm messed up, but—"

"The point, Potter," Snape snapped with a scowl.

"Lily found the notes and went haring off to prove none of it was true and I haven't seen her since Friday!" James blurted. "Everyone thinks she had to go home for a family emergency, but I know she left because of the bloody notes."

Severus dipped his head, glaring darkly at James as though his gaze alone could set him on fire.

"Please, Sna—Severus," James pleaded, straightening his spine and squaring his shoulders. "Look, I know that you and Grang—er, Hermione. I know you both have connections with people who can, well, find people. Help people. And Lily needs help very badly. She may not have realised it when she left, but I have this really bad feeling that she's in serious trouble. Those notes—were a sodding roadmap to trouble, and I know I should have turned it over to the Aurors straightaway. My sentimental longing for the way things were put her in this danger. Severus, I'm begging you, please help her. She may not deserve your compassion, but don't let her ignorance of the magical world get her killed. She's a good person—underneath all the posturing. She feels like she needs to prove herself to everyone just because she's a Muggleborn."

James closed his eyes, wincing as Snape said nothing. There was a soft rustling, and he looked up to see Hermione had come up beside Snape and rested her head on his shoulder. She looked into his eyes as something unspoken seemed to pass between them.

Snape closed his eyes, his jaw clenching, and then he seemed to relax.

"Very well, Potter," he said finally. "We will help you find her."

---

Aurors Find Hogwarts Student Barely Alive in Booby Trapped House in Little Hangleton

Aurors, tipped off about a dangerous quest taken on by a student from Hogwarts, rescued the student who was pinned under a heap of fallen timber in a rotting shack in the village of Little Hangleton.

The student has been transferred to St Mungos to be treated for injuries as well as possible magical influence.

---

Aurors Find Clues that Lead Them Across Britain For Dangerous Dark Objects Left by Tom Riddle

The war may have fizzled out before it became a reality, but Aurors have found Dark objects left by the wizard Tom Riddle.

Tom Riddle, who willingly surrendered himself to Azkaban for a number of self-confessed crimes, proven and not, admitted upon multiple confessions of creating dark objects, but many were thought to be too grandiose and outrageous to be real. Investigations into the objects once Riddle was imprisoned had been deemed unnecessary by Aurors.

This changed when the student from Hogwarts found not only a house full of traps but one of the Dark objects Riddle had admitted to creating.

Now that the objects have been confirmed as fact, Aurors have searched for and found the five objects that Tom Riddle had made. All of them have since been destroyed by Fiendfyre.

"It was very fortunate for the student in question that they weren't killed outright by the traps. The Dark objects were extremely powerful—more so than we had even thought possible. After this, our policy was changed and we will now aggressively pursue all reports or confessions of Dark object creation, even if the person who made them happens to be incarcerated. We cannot afford to have innocents endangered because of deliberate inaction on our part."

---

"Congratulations, Master Snape!" Hermione cried joyfully as soon as she met him after the ceremonies had been concluded.

"And to you, Master Granger," Severus said with a slight twitch of his lips. His gaze softened minutely as he realised that she was focused entirely on him.

"That was an amazing presentation on your improved wolfsbane potion," Hermione said. "Master Flitwick wouldn't tell me what you were going to do your presentation on! And even after we studied together!"

Severus shrugged. "He wouldn't tell me what you were presenting, either. "Not that I would have been able to help you much with the Arithmantic equations required for the control and amplification of vice-eaten purified magic."

Hermione grinned. "That's because you extract the vice."

"No, I'm pretty sure that even if I could put the magic back into someone, Solograd's Properties in conjunction with the newly established Granger Vice-Eater Particle Relativity Principle would be far beyond my meagre skills of comprehension," Severus said with an amused expression.

Hermione rolled her eyes and gave him a playful shove. "Whatever," she said with a laugh. "We'll just have to agree to disagree. So, what are your plans now that we are officially free to find our fortunes in the world?"

Severus grimaced and wrinkled his nose. "The worst plan I have ever had."

"Somehow, I doubt that," Hermione said dryly. "Your plans do not tend to be overly Gryffindor in nature, as someone I know likes to say."

"Whufff!" Perry said as if to agree, tails wagging furiously. He nosed Hermione's hands and demanded pets.

Hermione gave him a fond ear rub, then noticed that he was holding something in his mouth. "What are you chewing on?"

Perry tail-wagged even harder.

"Did you take something from poor Amelia's desk while we were trapped in presentations?" Hermione asked. She took the object from Perry's mouth and saw it had a latch. She tapped the latch with her finger, and the box opened with a soft click.

She found herself staring at a shining goblin silver band formed into an incredibly detailed likeness of Perry chasing his tails around a ruby cut into the shape of a perfect sparkling apple.

"Marry me," Severus said simply, completely forgetting all the profound things he had meant to say.

Perry used his tails to push Hermione firmly into Severus.

Hermione yelped and ended up pressed against the long line of buttons on Severus' formal robes. "Yes, Severus. Of course I'll marry you!"

Severus' response was a passionate kiss in front of Merlin and everyone, even as his deft hands placed the ring on her finger before he twirled her around.

The other masters milling about instantly broke into raucous applause, and Hermione's face flushed bright crimson as she suddenly realised she'd just snogged her new fiancé rotten right in front of the entire Mastery Board.

Severus eyed her with a very smug expression on his face.

"Prat!" Hermione hissed.

Severus smirked.

---

Heir of Famed Seer, Cassandra Trelawney, Predicts Death and Doom Upon Potter Family!

While some do not put any stock in divination, those who do are scratching their heads at the highly vocal prophecy that took place at a tavern in Hogsmeade. Ms Trelawnwy was reportedly waiting there for an interview with a person whom she thought was the Headmaster of Hogwarts. As most are aware, Albus Dumbledore was recently suspended pending an investigation. As for the current Headmistress of Hogwarts, Minerva McGonagall, she flatly denies planning anything of the sort with Cassandra's relation for any position at the school.

For those who called Aurors when Sybill went into what appeared to be a fit of predictive convulsions, they reported she foretold the coming of a Dark Lord and doom to those whose child was born as the seventh month dies.

Unfortunately for the Potter family, this coincided with the birth of their first child, Harry.

James Potter, who has stood out as a shining example of fortitude in the DMLE ever since his graduation, said that unless Mr Riddle has a drastic change of heart and breaks out of Azkaban, there are no known threats on the horizon for Britain at this time.

Auror Potter, whose claim to fame after graduation was bringing down a basilisk breeding ring in Knockturn Alley, has often said that his zeal has been a cumulation of lessons learned while he was younger and much more reckless and foolish. "I know how stupid people can be for all the right or wrong reasons," he once said to reporters. "Someone was there to help me when I'd done some really shite things to the people around me, and if now I can be there for someone else in that way, then my life finally has meaning and maybe it's—something my son can look at and be proud to say 'that's my dad'."

---

Auror James Potter Catches Reporter Rita Skeeter Spying on Wizengamot Member's Private Residences

The infamous Rita Skeeter, love her or hate her for her infamously sensationalised press releases, was recently caught spying on Wizengamot members.

Many had wondered just how Rita was getting her most exclusive information until Auror Potter used a tool his Muggleborn wife, Lily Potter, was using to keep pests out of their home: fly paper.

Ms Skeeter was caught with a magical version of fly paper stuck to her body in various places after an apparently great struggle to free herself, and her body was stuck in both the paper and the window she attempted to escape out of.

Ms Skeeter has been charged with a number of offences, not limited to but including multiple counts of trespass, burglary, bribery, libel, slander, and possessing an illegal unregistered Animagus form.

She now faces the prospect of a great many years in Azkaban for her years of criminal activity.

The Daily Prophet continues to deny accusations that they were aware of Rita's shady activities, claiming that they merely thought she was an exceedingly tenacious (but entirely law abiding) staff reporter.

---

Rita Skeeter Escapes Azkaban, is Found Months Later Serving at a Soup Kitchen in Wales!

Escaped Animagus criminal, Rita Skeeter, was just found serving soup at a Muggle caravan park for high-risk families.

After months of fruitless searching, many came to believe that Ms Skeeter had fled the country. However, just days ago, she was found quite by accident when a Muggle newspaper captured a photo showing her likeness serving soup at a caravan park that caters to low-income and at-risk families in Wales.

When found by Aurors, the officials at the park claimed that Skeeter had come there to volunteer and had been helping people faithfully ever since her arrival.

"She's one of our very best," the park manager said sadly. "We're really going to miss her."

When asked why she was there, Ms Skeeter explained that she had come to atone for the harm she had caused to her many victims as well as the selfish pursuit of fame in her life.

The Wizengamot is currently considering allowing Skeeter to work out her sentence serving the Muggle community so long as she checks in with the DMLE every week and agrees to wear a magic suppression bracelet.

---

Lucius set down his newspaper and wrinkled his nose as Draco threw a butter-soaked crumpet at his father's head, giggling hysterically as he ran off with his mum's lacy underthings on his head. The distraught little house elf tried to catch the slippery and elusive child to no avail, as the boy's uncontrolled magic seemed determined to effectively grease his tiny body to prevent his capture.

Severus, who was standing at the hearth with his cup of tea in hand, arched an eyebrow. "Problems, Lucius?"

"Why aren't your children like that?"

"Highly mischievous and prone to wearing their mum's knickers in places where such things do not belong?"

"YES!" Lucius cried in total exasperation.

"It's entirely your fault, you know," Severus said with a tilt of his head. "You raised him like you raised your peafowl. You can't blame Draco for having no concept of boundaries, much less proper behaviour."

"I don't see him throwing crumpets at you, old man," Lucius said accusingly.

Severus shrugged as Perry came trotting in with Draco trapped in his jaws after snapping him up by the nappy, and he promptly spat him out in Lucius' lap. "Maybe he simply knows that he has no chance of getting away with such behaviour in my household. Perry might eat him."

A muscle twitched in Lucius' jaw as he plucked up his babbling toddler of infinite destruction and promptly handed him off to the distraught house elf.

"Besides, if Draco fell into one of my brewing cauldrons or walked into one of Hermione's Arithmancy boards, he would likely spontaneously combust or sprout a set of ears and a tail belonging to some random unidentifiable beast."

"Might be an improvement," Lucius muttered ungraciously. "It's like the boy is attempting to single-handedly destroy our business together simply by existing."

"That is why Hermione and I leave all the gesticulating and greasing of cogs to you, Lucius," Severus pointed out. "Neither of us possess the talent or desire to touch posteriors with the highly influential business types."

Lucius rolled his eyes. "It was the only thing my father was ever good at. Investing and knowing how to get other people to invest in his ideas. Now he's off rescuing familiars caught in trees and helping old women to safely cross roads. I'm really not sure if the world lost anything there. Especially considering that he had been pushing me to go meet the infamous Tom Riddle and throw my lot in with him."

"No room for an aspiring Dark Lord in your life, Lucius?"

"Draco is quite enough, thank you," Lucius huffed as he wiped the melted butter from his forehead, nose, and neck.

"I was hoping to get to see my wife today," Severus said, "but I think Narcissa has other plans."

"Narcissa is pregnant with a girl child," Lucius confided with a smile. "She's never going to let Hermione escape her grasp until she's purchased every bit of witchling furniture and baby items between here and Australia. Both Muggle and Wizarding all."

Severus sighed as if heavily burdened. "Glorious."

"You did it to yourselves," Lucius said with a smirk. "Coming up with that potion using complex Arithmantic equations to predict a witch's precise window of fertility and help those like Narcissa to stop being so depressed about their inability to carry a child to term."

Severus waved his hand. "The Arithmancy is all Hermione. Blame her."

"That's why she's out shopping with Narcissa," Lucius pointed out. "It's also why you're positively filthy rich, not that anyone would know it by the charming little hovel you live in."

"A one story home in the country is hardly a hovel, Lucius. There is plenty of room for our business, the children, Perry, and any visitors we get from the DoM."

Lucius waved his hand, dismissive to the last. Anything short of a huge manse estate with multiple floors wasn't a home worth living in.

"You should at least get a few peacocks."

"And whatever would we do with peacocks?"

"Enjoy them."

"I fully enjoy my life without peafowl, thank you," Severus snorted. "Anyway, removing all the bits of feathers after Perry ate the peafowl would prove rather tiresome."

"Hmph," Lucius muttered. "Come then, let's go over our business figures before the witches return with more things than I have rooms for."

"That would be a tremendous feat indeed."

"Don't think that Narcissa hasn't tried," Lucius said with wryly puckered lips.

"Hn," Severus said as he sat down with Lucius at the table which had already been cleaned and set up for business by some remarkably efficient elf even as they heard Dobby's frustrated voice cry out, "Young Master Draco needs to be stopping smacking me about with his manky nappy!"

Lucius sighed. "I'm not quite sure which one is worse, my son or Dobby."

Severus pet Perry's ears with an idle hand, beyond thankful that his own children were not rampaging heathen beasts like Lucius' tiny blond terror of a firstborn.

They were perfectly civilised little beasts, thank you very much.

---

"Come on, Draco!" Gemma yelled as she waved him onto the train. "We found a perfect compartment that has perches for our owls!"

Draco hurried onto the train, dragging his poor owl by the cage. The disgruntled owl hooted with displeasure as the side of the cage banged against the door of the train as he disappeared inside.

"Mum, are you sure I'm not going to be Sorted into Hufflepuff?"

Hermione sighed and shook her head at her youngest child. "Stephen, you are not going to be Sorted into Hufflepuff, and even if you were, your father and I would still love you very much."

"Speak for yourself," Severus muttered under his breath.

"Cassiopeia, you stop hanging out of that window this instant!" Narcissa yelled, and her errant girl-child stopped attempting to wedge herself out of the train car window to—no one knew what she had been up to.

Stephen looked rather traumatised as his mum hugged him fiercely and smiled.

"Go on, now,"she said encouragingly. "Write to us when you can, and don't forget to write to Amelia and thank her for the beautiful owl."

Stephen smiled. "I will, mum," he said, beaming. "She said we would be able to keep studying, just like you and dad did, during the holidays."

"I'm sure they will have a great many things for you to do, as always," Hermione promised.

He hugged Perry before his father, and Severus gave him "the look" that always seemed to indicate that he'd been subtly inconvenienced.

RRRRRRRF! Perry half bark-growled at Cassie as he caught her trying to exit the window again.

The child quickly moved back into the train car.

"What is wrong with that child?" Lucius demanded, pinching the bridge of his nose and rubbing it firmly.

"I've told you time and time again," Severus said. "Peafowl should have been exchanged for vice-eater pups. I could have let you have the pick of the litter."

"They like to chase and eat my peafowl," Lucius said accusingly with narrowed eyes.

"My mistake," Severus purred knowingly. "However, could I possibly forget that?"

Lucius glowered darkly at his friend.

Perry glared at the train car for a while then padded back to his people and lay down beside his mate, Perdita, who was jealously soaking up all the pets from Hermione's idle hands.

Perry whined, his tails wagging hopefully in supplication.

Hermione simply loved on them both at the same time.

"Go on, help Stephen onto the train," Hermione said, and the two vice-eaters bounded off with the owl cage in Perdita's mouth and the suitcase in Perry's.

"Wait for me!" Stephen protested, running after them.

"How many vice-eaters are you planning on collecting anyway?" Lucius asked, feigning boredom.

"Well, Perdita followed Hermione home from the British Museum," Severus said with a sigh. "She's agreed not to walk through mediaeval tapestry exhibits anymore lest another beast follows her home—like all the unicorns from the unicorn tapestries."

Lucius' eyelid twitched.

"They seem to be perfectly happy with just the one litter," Severus said. "And they are happy to stay home and guard everything. You should be happy too, Lucius. You don't have to pay for security."

Lucius shook his head as the Hogwarts Express let out a whistle as it pulled out, and they all waved goodbye to their children. Perry and Perdita bounded back to them, tails wagging with mission accomplished.

"I'm just happy someone else gets to deal with my children for part of the year. Maybe, they will learn some manners at Hogwarts."

"Hermione, darling," Narcissa cooed. "You and I simply must go shopping today. I need to replace the old cribs and get an entirely new wardrobe, and I only have nine months in which to do it."

"Of course, Narcissa," Hermione said with a grin as the Hogwarts Express disappeared on the horizon.

Lucius, going pale as alabaster milk, dropped like a stone but Severus caught him and eased his limp body onto a nearby bench.

She shot Narcissa a curdling glare. "Must you keep torturing your husband in the most extreme ways?"

Narcissa pouted prettily. "There are other ways to do it?"

Whuffff! Perry and Perdita interjected.

Hermione pressed an affectionate kiss to her husband's cheek. "Catch up with you later tonight, love?"

Severus' gaze softened. "I shall await your return with bated breath, my lady."

"Oh no! Mum, we missed the train!" a mop-haired boy cried out as he tried to juggle far too many things for him to carry alone.

"I'm sorry, Harry, but if you hadn't insisted on stopping at that stupid Quidditch shoppe to oogle over that silly new racing broom, we'd have been here on time. Now you'll just have to wait for your father to get off work and Floo you to the Hogsmeade station since I have to go to work."

"No!" Harry cried, looking utterly despondent. "I'll miss out on all the sweets and catching up with my friends!"

"It won't kill you to wait, Harry," Lily insisted a touch impatiently.

Harry, sobbing his heart out, obviously begged to differ.

"Ah, there you are Harry," a red-haired man said as he herded his sulky young son in front of him and prevented him from beating on his baby sister.

"You made me miss the train!"

"I did not make you do anything!" the girl shot back, her freckled face turning redder than her hair.

"I'll be taking Ronald to school in my enchanted car," Arthur said with a sigh. "I thought about stuffing him in the floo, but he'd probably turn up in Knockturn Alley and end up missing even more. I can take Harry too, Lily."

"Oh, thank you, Arthur," Lily gushed gratefully.

"I know you have to get to the Ministry and report to old Mathersby," Arthur said kindly. "You know she's never had kids, eh?"

They walked off together, dragging their children along with them.

Lucius sat up, rubbing his bleary eyes, on the bench Severus had laid him on. "I stand corrected," he groaned. "My children at least managed to make it to the train on time."

Hermione and Severus exchanged private smiles as Severus dipped his head to give his wife a kiss. "See you tonight, love," he rumbled. "Where we can proceed to demonstrate to Lucius how Snapes create proper children."

Hermione beamed at him as she and Narcissa disappeared together.

"I refuse to watch you ravage your wife," Lucius objected with a shudder.

"Might learn something," Severus said lowly, his expression not changing in the slightest.

"Tch," Lucius snorted. "Don't you have something to do involving a cauldron?"

"Brewing some Long Nights Wizard's Tonic for you?" Severus offered with an arched brow.

"Thank Merlin she can't get pregnant twice at the same time," Lucius said with horror.

Perry and Perdita exchanged significant looks.

Lucius shook his finger at the two vice-eaters. "Don't you give her any ideas. Narcissa is not having a litter."

Perry and Perdita wagged their tails merrily.

---

Obliviators Sent to Ireland to Erase Farming Family's Memory of Car Parked in Their Oak Tree

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Ronald Weasley Becomes First Wizard to Swallow a Snitch After Falling Off Broom in Freak Accident

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Draco Malfoy Saves Harry Potter from Whomping Willow!

(Why Does Hogwarts Even Have a Whomping Willow?)

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Narcissa Malfoy Successfully Gives Birth to Quintuplets, Husband Lucius Checks Into Mungo's New Mental Health Clinic Following Public Breakdown

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Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley Burn Down Knockturn Alley in Freak Floo Accident

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Nestled deep in the Hertfordshire countryside, Severus leaned over his wife as she cradled their youngest son as he nursed. Perry and Perdita beat their tails against the floor in greeting.

"Thank the gods for you," he said with a tender smile.

Hermione smiled at him. "I love you, too." She looked down at their now sleeping son and handed him the sleeping bundle.

He rocked his son gently.

"Did you give Lucius his dose of Worry Not?"

Severus shook his head. "I did. The man needs to stop having sex if he doesn't want more children."

"There is having more children and then there's having a whole ruddy Quidditch team all at once," Hermione mused.

"The same concept applies," Severus said. "If you don't want to have that many children, don't be sticking your cock into your wife without adequate protection."

Hermione burst into quiet laughter. "So, our next project is the potion condom? Liquid Eunuch?"

Severus sputtered laughter. "Perhaps a better name than that."

"Forenoticator?"

Severus fought not to drop his sleeping son as he laughed silently, his shoulders quaking in mirth. "The love I have for you is something truly profound, witch," he said, his black eyes filled with warmth.

Hermione gave him a cheeky smile. "Snakeskins?"

Severus tucked his son into his crib and promptly absconded with his giggling wife to demonstrate the depths of his love to her with no need at all for the Long Night Wizard Tonic.

Perry and Perdita wagged their tails as they watched over a peacefully sleeping Nicholas Snape.

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And they portmanteaued happily ever after…

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A/N: Last story of 2022. Happy New Year!