Sasuke peeled himself away from Naruto with leaden limbs. He hadn't known that orgasms could be so consuming. He lumbered to the bathroom and retrieved two wash cloths, recalling the tender way Naruto had tended to him after their first night together. He considered the fact that the two of them could wake up together, this time.
Naruto was sprawled across the bed half-awake when he returned. He sat beside him and kissed him, tasting the barely lingering remnants of himself on Naruto's lips. Sasuke couldn't say why he loved that. Perhaps it was similar to the way that seeing Naruto's bite marks upon his body thrilled him, because it was evidence that he had connected to another person, proof of something he had shared with someone else.
He gently cleaned Naruto's face and then his genitals, taking stock of the marks he'd left all over the other man's body. The bruises on his inner thighs, particularly, taunted him with a guilty thrill. His memories flashed back to the man who'd tried dancing with Naruto earlier, and the many who'd undressed him with their eyes. Yet here, in angry, red and purple marks, was the proof that Sasuke had been where they had only dreamed of being. Savage satisfaction flooded him.
Naruto smiled and watched him through half-lidded eyes, lazily basking in Sasuke's attention. "You are so amazing," he said, his voice rumbling huskily. "Every time we're together, it's like I unlock a new level of orgasm."
Sasuke chuckled. He knew what Naruto meant. He laid the washcloths on the side table and pulled back the covers. Naruto climbed beneath them, and Sasuke pulled him close. He kissed Naruto's shoulder and the back of his neck. Unable to lie still, Naruto turned around to face Sasuke.
"You make me feel so good, Sasuke," he said quietly. "I hope I make you feel good, too."
"Don't be an idiot. You obviously did."
Naruto looked at him, eyes so full of adoration it made Sasuke ache. "I feel selfish when we're together."
Sasuke froze. "Usuratonkachi. That's moronic. Why would you even think such a thing?"
Naruto looked shy. "I don't know how to please you. I feel like you deserve more."
"Tch." Sasuke could not hide his annoyance. "I don't lie, Naruto. I am not going to tell you that you please me if you don't. You were there, idiot. You saw the reaction you got. For fuck's sake, you tasted it."
Naruto smiled sleepily. "Yeah, I guess I did. I feel like I go crazy and lose all sense around you. I'm afraid I ignore you."
Sasuke ran his fingers through Naruto's hair. "Naruto..."
"Yeah?" Naruto yawned.
"You told me one time that you had been fucked over before, and that's how you knew I wasn't going to."
"I remember that."
"How were you so certain?" The afterglow dulled the edges of the questions in Sasuke's mind, allowing him to vocalize them less painfully.
"I dunno. I just did," Naruto mumbled.
"Naruto, I'm not like you," Sasuke said. "You should know more about me before you worry too much about pleasing me." He couldn't bring himself to say what he really meant.
Naruto's eyes flew wide open. He propped himself up on his elbow. "Now, who's being a moron? Don't talk like that, Sasuke."
"You have experienced people fucking you over before. But have you ever fucked somebody over? Have you ever ruined someone's life, or stolen something dear to them? Have you ever killed anyone, Naruto?" Sasuke couldn't disguise the bitterness or the sadness that crept out with his words.
"What are you talking about, Sasuke?" Naruto asked nervously.
"I'm a criminal, Naruto," Sasuke said plainly. "More specifically, I'm an international criminal. You won't find my record. I was a juvenile when I committed my crimes. My records are sealed. But I did things..."
Naruto's eyes filled with tears. Sasuke forced himself to maintain eye contact.
Naruto kissed his forehead. "Sasuke, you are such a fucking asshole."
Sasuke looked at him coolly. "I have a past. It's real. You know me as a bookseller in Konoha. You don't know who I was before."
Naruto gave him a mournful smile before punching him forcefully—and painfully—on the shoulder.
"I don't know whether to feel sad, or insulted, or amused," he said. "Sasuke, you cunt. Fuck your past. If you wanna tell me about it, I'll listen. But if you don't, you have no obligation to. I don't know what I've done to give you the impression that I care more about what you did when you were a kid with a fucked-up life than who you are today or what you want to do with your future, but you're seriously pissing me off."
Sasuke heard his words, but they didn't comfort him. "Are you always so optimistic?" he asked. "Do you think that a person just gets to rewrite their history because of good behavior?"
Naruto scowled. Sasuke could see he was genuinely angry.
"Is that what you think of me, Sasuke? Really?" Sasuke had never seen Naruto look so focused or intense.
"I'm friends with Gaara, and he did plenty of bat shit crazy, horrible stuff. You probably know that. Don't think I didn't notice how you two were talking to each other tonight. I'm not as much of an idiot as you apparently truly think I am." Naruto threw the blanket off his legs and stomped off to the sink to fill a cup with water.
"Gaara put a friend of mine, a friend I love dearly to this day, in the hospital. He attacked me," Naruto said. "But Gaara is a friend, now, too, and I don't hold the choices he made as a fucked-up kid against him as a man."
Naruto took a long drink of water then crumpled the cup and threw it away. "Why would I see you differently, Sasuke? Do you think I'm so blinded by attraction that I believe you've spent your life chasing butterflies and floating on clouds?"
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "You have no idea the things I've done, Naruto. I was in a crime syndicate. Do you understand? Drug deals. Extortion. Assassinations. Abductions. Human trafficking."
Naruto looked so angry that, for a moment, Sasuke considered standing up and steeling himself for an attack.
"Don't you dare talk to me like I'm some innocent kid," he said with a growl. "Are you still in the syndicate, Sasuke?"
"No."
"And you left it when you were still a minor?"
"Yes, Naruto. Not that this changes the fact that I committed serious crimes."
"Then I don't give two shits about it, Sasuke." Naruto sat down beside him on the bed. "So if you want to chase me off, bastard, you're gonna have to do better."
The two men stared at each other intently, black eyes boring into blue.
Naruto snickered. Before Sasuke could ask him what he found so amusing, he was truly laughing, holding his sides and losing his breath.
Sasuke bristled. He got up and strode to his suitcase. He removed his pajamas and dressed himself as Naruto continued to guffaw. He had made it to the door of the room before Naruto realized his intent and bounded towards him.
"What the fuck are you doing, Sasuke?"
"I'm going to take a walk while you laugh at whatever you found so funny about this conversation," he said evenly. Naruto grabbed his arm and pulled, but Sasuke refused to budge.
"Did you think I was laughing at you, Sasuke?" Naruto asked.
"Were you not?"
"No. I was laughing because this is the first time we've really argued, and we were both naked." Naruto tugged harder at Sasuke's arm. "It's not the way I thought our first argument would be."
Sasuke didn't attempt to open the door, but he didn't move towards Naruto, either. "This isn't a trivial matter. If you're going to take it seriously, I'll talk to you. If not, there's no reason to continue."
Naruto sighed and looked down. "I wasn't laughing at you, Sasuke. Or about the topic. Well, yeah. I was laughing at the topic a little bit. It's like the day I had breakfast with you when I was hung over, and you were like, trying to convince me that you were dangerous or horrible or something. And I don't know why. So, why, Sasuke? Why do you do this? Why is it so important to you to convince me that you're a rotten, no-good person?"
Sasuke studied Naruto's face. As usual, his expression was sincere and open—but Sasuke could still see hurt in Naruto's eyes.
"I don't know what I'm doing with you, Naruto," Sasuke said after a long pause. Naruto's face began to fall.
He continued. "I don't know what you want, or what I can promise you."
Naruto groaned and ran his hand through his hair. "I already told you, Sasuke. I don't, either. And all I want? Is just to be with you."
"If you want to be with me," Sasuke pressed, "Then you need to know who I am. What I'm..." His mouth went dry as he recalled his conversation with Gaara. "…capable of."
Naruto looked at him tiredly. "I understand, Sasuke. So you try to understand me, too. I really don't care about your past. I care about who you are now. I like who you are now. I feel safe with who you are now. Who the fuck knows about the future? All kinds of shit can happen. But I trust you, and I want to see what happens when I spend more time with you."
He allowed Naruto to take his hand. "When I was a kid," Naruto said, "I used to have dreams about killing everybody in Konoha. Good dreams. Happy dreams. Do you understand?"
Sasuke said nothing, kept his features blank, as he listened.
"I hated everybody. I hated my foster parents, and my social workers, and my teachers, and all the kids who mocked me," Naruto went on. "I was so full of rage. It took a lot of work, a whole lot, to get me past that point."
"But you didn't kill everyone in Konoha," Sasuke said. "You didn't kill anybody at all, am I correct? So what's your point?"
The easygoing, open expression was gone. Naruto's eyes looked dark. "My point is, that if one, tiny thing had gone differently at important times in my life, I could have done horrible things. I could have been a criminal. I could just as easily have been a mass murderer-slash-suicide. You don't know how sick I feel every time I hear about a school shooting, Sasuke, because I know exactly how kids snap and do things like that."
The comparison shocked Sasuke. He thought of the demon seal, of the Kurama tattoo. It hadn't been youthful fancy; they had a real relevance for Naruto. He still thought Naruto was making a simple comparison.
"I didn't grow up in foster care, Naruto," Sasuke said, aware of the edge in his voice. "I chose to be a criminal. I chose to join an international crime syndicate. Do you understand?"
Naruto shook his head. "You say you chose. But you were a kid. You had very few real choices. You made your decision with an incomplete brain and probably with incomplete information. So fuck off with that shit. How would you feel if it were Sarada? If something horrible fucked up her life and she made some bad decisions in a few years?"
Sasuke grimaced. He had spent the bulk of the past 12 years making decisions based upon the avoidance of such scenarios.
"Answer me!" Naruto's voice was uncharacteristically sharp. "If it was Sarada, would you just give up on her? Tell her she just fucked up her life, oh well, and she's just a horrible person who needs to be written off forever?"
Sasuke understood the point Naruto was making, but he refused to concede.
Naruto grabbed him by both shoulders. "If this is an attempt to chase me away, then you need to learn something about Naruto Uzumaki," he said firmly. "It's going to take more than a shady past. A whole lot more. I don't scare easy. You got it?"
Sasuke said nothing to this; he just looked at Naruto, his posture and his expression unchanging. The two men stared at each other, Sasuke still and apparently composed, and Naruto, clearly agitated and heaving with urgency.
"Why Gaara?" Sasuke asked at last. "Why did you care about him if he put your friend in a hospital? Why the hell would you care about someone who hurt someone close to you?"
The question seemed to astonish Naruto. "He was a kid, Sasuke! He was raised horribly. If someone didn't do something, he was going to keep hurting people, because he was hurting inside. He was messed up. Why would I wish that on him? Why would I wish that on any kid? If someone had given a rat's ass before he fucked my friend up in a tournament, then maybe he wouldn't have. My friend would have been better off. Gaara would have been better off." Naruto took a deep breath. "I cared because I saw myself in him."
Sasuke turned this over in his mind. It seemed to him that he had spent his life on the cusp of legalistic, heavily codified society on one hand and thoroughly amoral criminal life on the other. Sasuke had simplified the conflict by maintaining a small—very small—circle of intimates and swearing to protect those within that circle by any means necessary. Naruto's circle was apparently much, much wider, and his code much more… he searched for the right word. Flexible? Complex?
"Listen here, bastard," Naruto interrupted his thoughts gruffly, "give me your hand." Sasuke allowed him to take his hand and entwine their fingers.
"I could tell when I met you that you have a pain deep inside of you. A pain like mine. Like Gaara's. I saw myself in you. That's why I sat closer to you at the bar. That's why I wanted to keep talking to you. I don't know what you've gone through in life, Sasuke, but I know you hurt deep inside."
Sasuke looked away. He felt a lifetime of resolve beginning to chip and crack.
"People hurt," he said simply. "It doesn't excuse anything."
"Who the hell is making excuses, Sasuke? I'm not. If you were still involved in that kind of crime, it'd be a different story. Why do you want so badly for me to believe you're awful?" Naruto asked. "It's like you're upset with me because I'm not shocked or repulsed by your past."
"I'm tired, Naruto," Sasuke answered. "I don't want to discuss philosophy or sociology with you. You have a right to know who you are involving yourself with."
The edge in Sasuke's voice did not deter Naruto. He stepped closer to Sasuke and wrapped his arms around him. "Thanks, Sasuke, but I'm good with the guy I'm involved with. He's smart, and funny, and he's honest. He's hot as fuck, too, and he has been pretty damned awesome in bed so far, too."
Sasuke gritted his teeth. "You really are annoyingly stubborn," he said.
"It grows on ya after a while," Naruto said with lopsided grin.
Sasuke laid his head on Naruto's shoulder and breathed. He would like to live in Naruto's world, where there were such things as forgiveness and comfort. He didn't know the watchwords and customs in such a world.
"Sasuke, look at me, please," Naruto whispered. He lifted Sasuke's chin with his fingers.
Sasuke complied, but he didn't open his arms or step closer to Naruto.
"I. Don't. Care. About your past. I care about here and now. Here and now, I wanna know what makes you happy, and I wanna do everything I can to bring those things to you. I feel safe with you, Sasuke. I want you to feel safe with me." Naruto finished by kissing Sasuke on the forehead.
He couldn't argue against Naruto and his wishful logic anymore. He couldn't argue with the instinctive response his body had to him, either. Whether he liked it or not, Naruto knew to make him react. He put his arms around him and kissed his cheek.
"I feel safe with you, dobe," he muttered. "Could we please go to bed?"
"You can always take me to bed, Sasuke," Naruto said lecherously. Sasuke laughed and pulled Naruto back to the bed and pulled the covers over them.
"Sasuke?"
"What, usuratonkachi?"
"Can I laugh, now, because we've had our first argument and I was completely naked for all of it?" Naruto asked childishly.
Sasuke huffed and punched his arm, but he smiled. Naruto pulled him close, Sasuke's face to his chest, and although he had never thought this could be a comfortable way to sleep, he drifted off within moments.
Waking up with Naruto was an unexpected pleasure. They'd fought, but still, he was here. Here, beside Sasuke, drooling, mouth open, snoring slightly. Far too hot and far too close to Sasuke for comfort. Despite that, it was a comfort, the same way that seeing the evidence of their lovemaking was a comfort. He hadn't disappeared. He hadn't been a figment of Sasuke's imagination, or a particularly vivid dream.
He took advantage of Naruto being asleep to study him closely. In his sleep, he looked even more childlike. The bruises inflicted upon him by his ex-wife's champion were fading. His eyelashes, dusted with gold like his hair, rested against his tan skin. His pink lips parted, his arm and leg thrown over Sasuke as if he were a giant teddy bear.
Sasuke explored his face with his fingertips. He ran them over his cheeks, and the strong line of his jaw. He traced the pouting lips, then Naruto's slightly turned-up nose. Sasuke wished he could pull Naruto into a bubble where he could protect him from adversity and danger and make up for every horrible thing that life had so unjustly inflicted upon him.
He swallowed away the thought that he, himself would be the rot in the root in such a world. Of all things Naruto deserved to be protected from, he, Sasuke, probably ranked at the very top. Not that Naruto would admit it.
His breath caught uncomfortably. He kissed Naruto's forehead, then his cheeks, then his soft lips. He wasn't sure if he did so to reassure himself, or to borrow some of Naruto's incorruptible optimism. Sasuke willed the sting in his eyes away and laid his head on Naruto's shoulder, inhaling his scent.
Naruto stirred against him. "Sasuke…" he mumbled sleepily.
"Good morning, Naruto." Sasuke allowed himself to keep breathing Naruto in.
Naruto embraced him fully and nuzzled into his hair. "Am I dreaming? Did I really sleep with Sasuke Uchiha and wake up beside him?"
Sasuke scoffed. "Dobe. Want me to pinch you so you can be sure?" He playfully pinched Naruto's backside.
"Not a dream," Naruto said with a throaty laugh. He kissed Sasuke's head. "This is so wonderful, Sasuke. I like waking up like this."
Sasuke said nothing. He kissed Naruto's shoulder in agreement.
"I need to take a shower," he muttered against Naruto's skin.
Naruto sat up suddenly. "Can we take a shower together?"
Sasuke almost laughed at his excitement. "Yeah. Sure. I'm going to go get the water hot. Come along when you're ready." He stood and walked to the bathroom. Tendrils of steam were just beginning to rise from the tap when Naruto came in and slipped into the shower behind him.
Sasuke looked over Naruto. He was covered in Sasuke's bite marks; the ones on his inner thighs were particularly pronounced. Sasuke winced. He hadn't intended to inflict so much damage onto him.
"Sorry for the bites," he muttered.
Naruto looked down and laughed. "Don't be. I liked those bites. I'll have a souvenir from the trip this way."
Sasuke poured some shampoo into his palms. "A shot glass or a postcard probably wouldn't hurt as much."
Naruto's laughter rumbled out of him as he swiped at the shampoo Sasuke had just poured. "Not as much fun getting those. I kinda like a little bit of pain if you're the one causing it."
The heat flooded Sasuke's face.
"Let me wash your hair, Sasuke," Naruto said. Sasuke leaned back and assented.
Naruto's fingers on his scalp soothed his nerves. Sasuke closed his eyes in enjoyment. Naruto then began washing his back with slow, firm circular caresses. His hands were warm and slick, and it was easy to give himself over to being cared for.
He breathed in when Naruto pulled him back against him and began to wash his chest. He rested his head against Naruto's shoulder, relaxing into the heat of his body. He watched the large, tan hands moving against the pale skin of his stomach, appreciating the contrast. Naruto apparently appreciated the contrast, as well; Sasuke could feel his penis springing to life against his ass as he made circles against Sasuke's skin.
"You feel so good, Sasuke," he whispered in his ear.
Sasuke stepped away and turned around, allowing the water to sluice over his body and rinse the soap away. "Your turn," he said to a pouting Naruto. He turned Naruto around and pulled him back against him, then poured more shampoo into his hands.
He massaged Naruto's scalp firmly, carefully working out the tangles in the wild, blond hair. Naruto groaned in appreciation as he continued until his hair was clean and his scalp muscles were relaxed. Sasuke poured body wash onto Naruto's shoulder and worked it over his neck and back. Again, he massaged firmly and purposefully.
Naruto moaned and gasped as Sasuke skillfully massaged the tension out of his muscles, working his way down his back, then to his hips, which he grasped authoritatively. He took note of the strength rippling beneath Naruto's supple skin. He sucked in a sharp breath when his hands moved over the muscular half-spheres of Naruto's glutes. He kneaded the flesh with deliberate focus, pulling importunate whines out of Naruto's throat.
He casually slipped his finger between Naruto's natal cleft. Naruto gasped as Sasuke lightly passed his fingertip over his perineum and then briefly palmed his balls. Sasuke smiled at the reaction. He teasingly worked his hands back up around Naruto's lower back before gripping his hips and massaging up his belly.
Sasuke noted, looking over Naruto's shoulder, how his cocked twitched impatiently. He took his time, lathering Naruto's stomach, then slowly massaging his chest. Naruto moaned as Sasuke carefully massaged around his nipples, taking his time to pull the tension out of his pecs. Sasuke then playfully pinched at Naruto's nipples, eliciting a guttural vocalization from Naruto.
Exploiting his discovery, Sasuke palmed the pert, tightening nipples firmly before pulling at them ever so slightly. Naruto thoughtlessly thrust his ass backwards into Sasuke and arched his back.
Sasuke had not put his lips on Naruto since he'd slipped into the shower, but he now kissed his neck just beneath his ear, working his way down to the juncture of his shoulder. He sank his teeth into the sensitive flesh, sucking lightly. A high, garbled note emanated from Naruto, causing Sasuke to smile against his skin. He was a cartographer charting Naruto's body and limning out the borders of his pleasure. He made note of every sound, every movement.
Naruto's cock was now throbbing, the veins protruding and the head an intense shade of red. Sasuke hastily rinsed Naruto off before turning him around and dropping to his knees in front of him.
He slowly, reverently kissed behind Naruto's knees. He trailed his tongue up to his left hip, allowing himself to feel all the contours of muscle and bone as he held his waist. He kissed just above the coarse, blond thatch of hair, touching the demon-seal with the tip of his tongue. This part of Naruto was precious to Sasuke. It made such a contrast with Naruto's ebullient personality, testimony to his struggles made even more meaningful to him since learning its significance.
He swirled his tongue over the spiral, knowing Naruto loved it as much as he did. He teased his bellybutton gently then sucked at the skin around it. Naruto whined with need, his dick pulsing against Sasuke as he continued to kiss the testimony to Naruto's dark days.
He reluctantly kissed away from the seal and made his way to Naruto's right hip, nipping and sucking at the slightly fleshy area at the crest of the curve.
Naruto hissed when he breathed over his cock, and when Sasuke lightly touched it with just the tip of his tongue, he moaned Sasuke's name. Sasuke brought his fingers to join his lips in their teasing, allowing them to barely skim over the silky skin of Naruto's erection.
He knew Naruto was begging for the warmth of Sasuke's mouth; while he, too was eager to take Naruto orally, he wanted to prolong the pleasure and map out more of his partner's undiscovered weaknesses. He placed tortuously gentle kisses along Naruto's sac, nuzzling at his balls before sucking them into his mouth.
"Aahng, Sas..." Naruto called out as his hips twisted.
Sasuke replaced his lips with his hands, palming Naruto's balls as he licked at Naruto's perineum. He recalled how he had responded when Sasuke had briefly touched him there with his fingers earlier. He experimented with soft, gentle licks, then with harder, more forceful pressure, and finally, suction. Naruto's pelvis jerked when Sasuke flattened his tongue against the tender flesh and moved in firm circles.
Wrapping his hand around Naruto's shaft, he pumped slowly as he continued to stimulate the sensitive flesh between his balls and his tight, pink hole.
Naruto moaned unabashedly as Sasuke assaulted this newly discovered erogenous zone, thrusting into his hand faster and faster. Sasuke matched his rhythm with both his tongue and his hand as the pre-come steadily drooled out of his slit.
When he knew that Naruto was nearing completion, his hand and mouth swapped places. He slurped at the head of Naruto's leaking cock, then sucked the entire length into his mouth. All the while, his fingers delicately circled the taut, sensitized skin of Naruto's taint.
With his free hand, he grabbed at Naruto's ass, pushing him forcefully, telling him that he could thrust harder. Naruto responded enthusiastically, forcing his cock down Sasuke's throat again and again. Sasuke's eyes watered. He struggled to breathe through his nose as Naruto fucked his mouth, but he urged him on.
As Naruto's thrusts became more and more manic, he could taste increasing amounts of the faintly saline pre-come. Tasting Naruto was a special reward, and Sasuke moaned in anticipation. Naruto came with an inarticulate stream of gibberish, shooting into the warmth of Sasuke's mouth as Sasuke relished the tang of his lover's orgasm.
Naruto shook as he recovered, leaning back against the tiles of the shower wall. Sasuke moved to turn off the shower; the water was now tepid. Naruto pulled him towards him. "What the hell… what did you just do to me, Sasuke?" he gasped.
He looked at Sasuke as if he had never seen anything more amazing. To Sasuke, though, nothing could compete with looking up at Naruto, with the water dripping off of him, his face thrown back as he emptied himself into Sasuke's mouth.
He recalled listening to men talk about "getting head," and how distasteful it had seemed to Sasuke—not because he was prudish, but because of the simplistic way they seemed to define the dynamics of it. As if the person performing the task was just a vessel, as if the one receiving were somehow in a position of power. This was one of the primary reasons he had never allowed Sakura to fellate him.
To Sasuke, having now experienced this with Naruto, it was an incredibly complex interaction. There was a sense of power in bringing Naruto to completion, and something endearingly intimate about the act. There was also a sense of surrender, which was welcome, too. It didn't seem dirty, or selfish, or like an expedient substitute for penetration.
Naruto embraced him and kissed his face. "You look so beautiful when you do that, Sasuke," he murmured. "Thank you so much. It felt so nice."
Sasuke could have purred. Naruto's praise seemed to trigger something inside of him that he didn't fully understand. He was not addicted to recognition; in fact, he typically was happier without it. So why did Naruto's compliments and praise feel so heady?
He forced himself not to think about it too much as he leaned against Naruto.
It wasn't long before the heat of their encounter dissipated, leaving them cold and soaked. Sasuke grabbed two towels, wrapping one around himself like a sarong while using the other to pat Naruto dry.
"Hey, Sasuke, you're spoiling me, stop," Naruto said weakly.
"Shut up. You'll catch cold." Sasuke continued with his ministrations. He made sure that Naruto was thoroughly dry before wrapping the towel around him and getting out of the shower. He switched on the fan and ran a dry cloth over the fogged-up mirror.
As he prepared to brush his teeth, Naruto came to stand behind him. He wrapped his arms around Sasuke's waist, and the two men looked at their reflection. Sasuke, if he were being honest, would have said that he loved the contrast the two made. Naruto's tanned skin against his paler complexion always thrilled him, as did the gold strands against his own impossibly black hair.
"I didn't do anything for you, Sasuke," Naruto complained, pouting. Sasuke withheld his smile. This, too, he loved, these little pouts of Naruto's.
"Dobe. Did you think I sucked you off out of the kindness of my heart?" he said with mock sternness.
Naruto's face seemed to light up. "Do you really like doing that, Sasuke?"
Sasuke rolled his eyes, restraining himself from elbowing him. "Would I do it if I didn't?" He didn't tell Naruto that he had wanted to give back to Naruto selflessly after picking a fight with him the night before.
Naruto grinned. "You're the best." He squeezed Sasuke, a bit tighter than was comfortable. "But I like doing things for you, too, ya know."
"Yes, I do know. I also know that we agreed to meet your friends for brunch and that we have a checkout at 11. So move it along, Uzumaki."
He didn't withhold his smile this time as Naruto pouted and walked away grumbling about how Sasuke was a "bossy bastard."
Naruto was pulling his jeans on when Sasuke came out of the bathroom. "I've made a mess of you," he told the blond, gingerly touching a particularly angry-looking mark on his neck.
"You just decorated me a little bit." Naruto winked at him. "I like it. Better than tattoos."
Sasuke liked Naruto this way, shirtless, with his tattoos prominent and Sasuke's mark all over him.
Gaara was civil, if distant, throughout brunch. When Naruto Shiloh suggested a dip in the hotel's rooftop pool, Sasuke reluctantly gave in.
When Naruto stripped to his swim trunks, though, with the evidence of Sasuke's enthusiastic foreplay written so clearly over his skin, he regretted his acquiescence. Shiloh, as he might have expected, took great joy in pointing it out.
"Sasuke, you animal!" he shouted gleefully. "It's always the quiet ones, isn't it, Gaara?"
Gaara's embarrassed flush and obvious discomfort made the embarrassment worthwhile. Sasuke smirked and lowered himself into a lounge chair next to Gaara as Shiloh and Naruto did their best to reenact childhood by doing canon balls.
"Uchiha. Sasuke..." Gaara began. His voice sounded strained.
Sasuke looked at him, raising one brow.
"Naruto seems… happy. With you. I apologize for my overprotective nature," he continued.
Sasuke thought back to their conversation the night before, then to his argument with Naruto in their room.
"I have no intentions of hurting Naruto," he said quietly. "If I were still… doing what I was doing… I wouldn't be involved with him."
"I don't like you, Uchiha, any more than you like me. But I don't really know you, either," Gaara confessed. "I will no longer intrude upon your relationship, as long as I see that my best friend is happy."
"Hn." Sasuke recognized himself in Gaara.
"I think you'll really like my friend. Something about you reminds me of him."
Sasuke barely spoke during the ride home. Naruto chattered on and on about Shiloh, and about visiting New Orleans for Mardi Gras, and how long it had been since he had seen Gaara, and didn't he look happy? Sasuke gladly allowed him to monopolize the conversation. His mind churned with questions and deferred concerns.
They stopped halfway home. Naruto wanted to take a picture of the Pacific and send it to his son. Sasuke thought of Sarada, realizing he hadn't talked to her since yesterday, and took a picture to send to her. "Hey!" Naruto said, "Let's take a selfie!"
He turned around with his back to the ocean and pulled Sasuke in beside him, wrapping his arm around him. "Smile, Sasuke!" He clicked a picture as Sasuke attempted to look happy.
As they were walking back to the car, Naruto stopped and took his hand. "Is something wrong, Sasuke? Did I do something?" he asked, his eyes searching Sasuke's face for answers.
"You did nothing wrong, Naruto," he said. "I'm just tired."
"Have we..." Naruto looked nervous and sad. "Have we… have we moved too fast?"
The question startled Sasuke. "Why would you ask that?"
"Because you got mad at me last night, and I was thinking that maybe I'd rushed you."
Sasuke could see how much the admission had cost Naruto to make. He tapped him gently on the forehead with his first two fingers. "No, Naruto. I'm fine. Like I said, you did nothing wrong."
Naruto looked down. "I just… I don't… I don't know how to do all the things I wanna do with you. Do you know what I mean, Sasuke?"
He looked at Sasuke expectantly. Sasuke looked him over, not fully comprehending the question at first. It finally dawned on him what Naruto was referring to.
"Idiot," Sasuke said affectionately. "I don't know anything more than you do. We can find out together, ok?"
This seemed to relieve Naruto. Another thought occurred to Sasuke.
"Have we moved too fast for you, Naruto?" he asked, as gently as he knew how.
"No!" Naruto quickly protested. "I have never felt anything like I feel with you, Sasuke. I just want to… I want to please you. You know?"
Sasuke laughed, feeling a rush of affection mixed with sadness. He hugged Naruto close to him, tighter than he had ever done. "You do," he whispered into his ear. "In every way."
Naruto looked up at him with so much happiness, so much joy, that Sasuke ached. He wanted, with everything inside of him, to make Naruto this happy for as long as he possibly could. The nagging thoughts, the memories, of what he had been and done rushed at him. He knew how many ways he could fail Naruto, hurt him, sadden him. He'd never wanted so badly to be someone else.
The air in the office chilled Sasuke. He remained still and composed, despite the shivers that ran up his body.
Kurenai quietly looked over her notes from their last session. "Sasuke, are you cold? Would you like a warm drink? I can have a coffee or tea brought to you," she said without lifting her eyes.
"I'll take a coffee," Sasuke answered, happy to anticipate relief from the chill.
Kurenai phoned the secretary to ask for two coffees then looked up at him. "How have you been since we last met?"
"Fine."
"Would you like to elaborate?" she prodded gently.
"I don't feel like I'm about to have a psychotic breakdown, so I suppose that's an improvement," Sasuke said testily.
Kurenai smiled. "Yes, I suppose you're right. Could you tell me how you are, beyond not feeling as if you're having a psychotic breakdown?"
Sasuke was about to answer when the secretary knocked. Kurenai opened the door and took two coffee cups from her with a soft word of thanks.
"Your coffee. Do you need anything else for it?" she asked Sasuke, handing him a cup.
"Black is fine," he said.
"The last time we talked, you said you'd met a man, and you weren't pleased about how he made you feel," Kurenai said. "Have you seen him since then?"
"Yes," Sasuke said.
"And?"
"And, what?" Sasuke still felt raw from a weekend of emotional speed cycles, and he didn't particularly care for psychotherapy on the best of days.
"You know what I mean, Sasuke," Kurenai said patiently. "But I'll ask. How did you meet again?"
"He came into my store."
"Did you have a good conversation with him?" Kurenai smiled at him. She knew Sasuke well. He was a challenge she was up for, and Sasuke knew it. This irritated him even more.
"He wanted books for his son. I gave him books," Sasuke said tersely.
"And that was it?" Kurenai pressed on. Sasuke scowled.
"He asked me out," he muttered.
"Did you go?"
"Yes."
"Have you talked to him since then?" Kurenai began to read her notes again, giving Sasuke some relief from her gaze.
"I went to the city with him over the weekend," he muttered.
"Oh, really?" Kurenai said. She did not look up, but the note of surprise was evident in her voice. "This is new for you, Sasuke."
"Hn."
"Have you been intimate with him?" she continued casually.
"What? Why would you need to know that?" Sasuke asked, affronted.
"It's a valid question. Intimacy has been an issue for you, Sasuke," she said genially.
"It hasn't been an issue for me," he bit back.
"Ok, fair enough. It's been an issue for others in your life. So, I'll ask again, have you been intimate?"
"Yes," he mumbled. He liked Kurenai, above all the psychiatric professionals who'd been forced upon him at different points in his life, but he didn't feel as if this was an appropriate question, and he didn't see the point of it.
"How do you feel about that?" she asked.
"I don't know," he answered. She looked up. He realized he had answered more honestly than he'd intended.
"Do you find it difficult or embarrassing to be intimate with him?"
Sasuke didn't answer right away. He didn't find it difficult when they were together. He didn't find it difficult at all. He didn't find it difficult enough.
"I'm not embarrassed. It's not like he forces me," he answered.
"So you're not embarrassed, you're not feeling coerced. What, then, is difficult for you about being intimate with this man?" Kurenai amazed Sasuke, in some ways. She never failed to sound kind, or patient, or concerned. She was absolutely relentless, though, when she was on the trail of a point she found relevant.
"I don't feel like myself when I'm with him," he answered after a long pause.
"Like yourself? What does that mean?"
He looked straight ahead, over Kurenai's head, and focused on the abstract painting behind her.
"I do things… I think things… that I don't normally do or think. I can't..." He struggled, trying to tease out what it was about being with Naruto that he found disorienting. "I want to be with him. All the time. I think about him… when I don't want to."
"Why don't you want to think of him?" Kurenai asked, undeterred.
"Because I'm afraid," he said before he could stop himself. He mentally cursed at having walked into this trap.
"Afraid of what?" Kurenai's voice was softer than usual.
"I'm afraid that I'll forget everything," he replied.
"Everything, Sasuke? Like what?"
"Like… what I'm capable of. Who I am. What happens to people who care about me."
Sasuke knew that the conversation was spiraling out of his control, and he knew he couldn't stop it.
Kurenai stared at him again. "What are you capable of, Sasuke?"
"Why would you even ask me that, Kurenai? You have my files. All of my files, going back for years. You, of all people, do not have to ask what I'm capable of," he said bitterly. He clenched his fists in his lap, eager to hit something.
"I have your files. I know what has happened in your past, and I know some of the things you did in your past. What does that have to do with this man and how you feel about him?"
Sasuke squinted, looking again at the abstract painting. "I don't want to hurt him. I don't want anyone else to hurt him."
"How would you hurt him, Sasuke?" she pressed. Gentle as ever, intrusive as always.
He took in his surroundings—the impersonal décor, the mass-produced art, the plant in the corner. But in his mind, two faces swam in and out of focus.
One was as wide open as a summer sky, with wide blue eyes.
"I saw myself in you."
The other stared at him through his own dark eyes, except these eyes were blind, blood pouring down his gaunt face after a coughing spell.
"Forgive me, Sasuke."
He had failed the latter. As much as he had loved him, adored him, wanted him…
"I'll disappoint him," he said hoarsely. "Just like I did Itachi."
"Is this what this is about, Sasuke? Are you really afraid you'll disappoint your friend, or are you afraid that being with him is somehow disloyal to Itachi?"
Kurenai's question sank like a weight around his neck. It was a weight, and she was going to push him into shark-infested waters.
"I don't… I don't know," he answered helplessly.
"Do you think Itachi would feel betrayed by you moving on with your life in this way? By you having a relationship with someone who cares about you?"
Other faces, now, appeared before him. His mother's. His father's. So stern… how had Sasuke never sensed the tension that underlay his father's strict demeanor?
"Why?" he asked. "Why me? Why not Itachi? Why not my mother, my father, Shisui? Why me, and not them? Why do I get to be here, enjoying life, when they're… they…" He couldn't finish.
Kurenai sat quietly looking at him. To his relief, her eyes did not reflect pity.
"This is grief, Sasuke." Her voice was gentle, but authoritative. "There's a part of us that feels as if there's some sort of economy to loss. And that we can bargain with it. As if there's a finite amount of happiness and joy that can exist, and if you survive when your family didn't, you're somehow stealing their share."
"That's normal. That is a normal thought process for a grieving person. But..." she leaned forward and looked Sasuke deeply in the eyes… "You've never given yourself time to fully grieve, Sasuke. You seem to have a persistent belief that you must atone for being alive, and in doing, you haven't given yourself an opportunity to work through this. You've come to a point where it has impacted your relationships, with your ex-wife, with your daughter, and now, with this new person you are involved with."
She leaned back and took a breath. "Do you honestly think that your parents, or Itachi, or Shisui would object to you being happy?"
"They died. They all died. Because of me, Kurenai." Sasuke whispered.
"No," Kurenai corrected him. "They died because of things that had nothing to do with you. Itachi died of an incurable disease. Your parents died because of choices that had nothing to do with you. Shisui committed suicide. None of that had anything to do with you. But even if they did… let's say someone had come to your family and said, "Your lives or Sasuke's," do you think they'd want you to live on in a constant state of atonement? Or do you think they'd want you to learn how to be happy?"
Sasuke couldn't give voice to the thoughts that swirled in his mind. What Itachi had done, for him, for his foolish, foolish baby brother… the price he'd paid so that Sasuke could continue to grow and live, the years it had cost him from his own life…
"I don't know," Sasuke choked out.
Kurenai allowed him a space of silence to consider his thoughts.
"I want you to think of Sarada," she said at last. "I want you to think of what you'd want for her if you were to die. You've said before that the work you did before you moved back to Konoha was for her, and I believe you. So, do you believe that she owes you for that sacrifice?"
"No," he growled.
"If she did owe you, do you think she could repay you by living in a constant state of penitence?" Kurenai's question struck him in an unguarded part of his heart. He recalled Naruto's words from their argument.
"How would you feel if it were Sarada? If something horrible fucked up her life and she made some bad decisions in a few years?"
"If it was Sarada, would you just give up on her? Tell her she just fucked up her life, oh well, and she's just a horrible person who needs to be written off forever?"
Sasuke let out a hoarse laugh. "That's what that guy told me this weekend when I tried to tell him about the past."
"Oh, really?" Kurenai asked, interested. "He asked you if you thought Sarada owed you?"
"No… but he brought her up. He asked me if I would just throw Sarada away if she had made some of the decisions I'd made when I was young."
"Would you?" Kurenai asked.
In the chilly office, where Sasuke felt as if he was drowning amid circling sharks, he conceded the point that he'd refused to concede to Naruto in the privacy of their hotel room.
"No."
He looked away from Kurenai. She sat, completely still, having extracted from him a tool he knew she'd bring back to use against his reasoning.
She took a sip of her coffee and jotted down something in her file. She looked up, slowly, and faced Sasuke once again.
"You wouldn't wish these things on Sarada. So why do you inflict them upon yourself for your parents' sake? For Itachi's?" Her tone of voice had not changed, nor had the way she looked at him. Sasuke felt a change, however, a change of temperature or intensity.
"She isn't me," he answered at last.
"No, but she's a child, just like you were, and one day, she'll be an adult. Would you like for her to one day wonder if she's allowed to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, because of all you gave up for her safety? You aren't just raising a child, after all, you're raising someone into adulthood."
"Goddammit, no! I don't want her to suffer. That's all I can offer her as a father, Kurenai. I am not patient. I'm not easy to talk to. I'm not affectionate. But I do want her to be happy. Why would that even be a question?" he said indignantly.
"Why is it a question, Sasuke?" Kurenai said. "Why do you think?"
"I have no fucking idea," Sasuke muttered.
"Why were you, as a child, somehow different from Sarada as a child? Did you deserve less?"
Yes. Always less. Less than Sarada, who didn't ask to be born. Less than Itachi, the longed-for prodigy, who sacrificed everything for me.
"Sasuke, did it occur to you, ever, that in withholding forgiveness and acceptance for yourself, that you're withholding it from Sarada?" Kurenai asked again, unwilling to allow him to snake back into the umbrage of his darkened mind.
He looked up at her, confused. "How?"
"We learn to love ourselves, largely, due to others modeling healthy love to us," Kurenai said. "When a parent praises a child, or gives them encouragement after a failure, these are skills the parent passes on to the child to use later in life. But you weren't given that at crucial times in your life, Sasuke, and now, in your efforts to atone for surviving your family, you've kept Sarada at a distance."
He thought of Sarada, crying in his car because she didn't think he liked her.
"I don't know how to get closer to her," he said. "I'm afraid I'll just hurt her."
"You will," Kurenai said. "Without a doubt. Just like you will hurt your new friend if you continue to go out. People in relationships hurt each other all the time. The gift is in how you recover and make amends after hurting someone. You can't get close to anyone without eventually hurting them and getting hurt. But don't you think it hurts Sarada now when she seeks out your love and doesn't find it?"
Sasuke had never considered this before.
"Your friend… he wants to get to know you, too, Sasuke, so do you think it's possible, in trying not to hurt him, that you may actually be pushing him away and hurting him more?" Kurenai continued to exploit her opening.
Sasuke couldn't talk anymore. He felt wrung out. He knew he would not be opening Tomoe again today. His body was just as exhausted as his mind.
"Our time is almost up," Kurenai said. "I want to tell you that I'm proud of you for exploring intimacy with another person. That is a very important step for you, and one I know hasn't been easy. I have an assignment for you, and I want you to report back to me next month."
"Whatever," Sasuke breathed.
"Number one, I want you to make note—literal note, as in write down—all the things that are good about opening yourself up to this person. And to Sarada, as well. And number two, this is very important..."
She forced Sasuke to look up at her with a long pause. "Sasuke, love yourself. Find the little boy and the young man you used to be, and love them. See the good in them. Allow them to grow up and experience close experiences with people who matter."