A/N: I need to start proofreading my stuff, but I just can't be bothered. Lol. Anyways I hope you guys enjoyed the longer chapter last time. We are getting close and closer to the end now. We're moving into the year 2013. (Christmas 2012-2013 currently). I am very soon finished with my commission so hopefully, then I can just focus my free time on writing and other fun stuff. And later on, I'll start on the one fanfic I've been dying to write. If you guys didn't know one of the reasons I finished Bulletproof as sudden as I did was because I wanted to start on said fanfic and that was like two months ago now. So yeah, I am really hoping to do that soon. I am thinking that might be my NaNoWriMo for this year. That one will be a parallel story to this one/they will match each other. They are in the same universe if you will. My goal is to wrap this up in mid/late October and then start on the new one at the end of October or start of November. That's the dream at least. (and clearly, that did not happen)
ANYWAYS. Enough rambling. Favourite, follow, review or something if you like the story. And as always ideas are always welcome. And I would love to talk to you guys so don't hesitate to PM me!
Yo future me passing by. This turned out WAY longer than intended but yeah sure why not. I enjoyed it at least.
Notes at the end as well.
S-B
Laura wasn't sure what to think. She was confused. Maybe a bit mad? She was definitely sad. She had no idea what was going on with the redhead, but Natasha was all over the place. No, actually she wasn't, she just wasn't present. Or at least it didn't seem like it.
Laura didn't know how to explain it other than Natasha being somewhat distance. Or at least it felt like that. She seemed off. She was clearly walking on eggshells around the house. Moving away from everyone when she was even slightly in the way, and never doing anything that might have seemed inappropriate for a stranger to do. But like this was Natasha. She was practically living in this house at this point and Laura would never be upset with her if she grabbed something from the fridge without asking. But for some reason, Natasha seemed to think so now.
The only time she seems a bit more, normal? present? like she used to? Was when she was with the kids. They didn't seem to think anything was off. Or if they did, they probably connected it with her being sick for so long. Which was a valid point, but for sure wasn't the case. They hadn't seen her in the kitchen talking with Maria. They had no idea what she had said back then.
The words were still echoing in Lura's head. "I don't think I know who I am anymore." The way she said it, the way she looked. It was such a convincing act. But it had to be an act, right? Like she was Natasha Romanoff. She was excellent at lying and hiding everything from everyone. She didn't actually mean it? She couldn't. Laura refused to think that was even a problem. Of course, she knew the change from the red room, an assassin, to SHIELD and a spy had been a drastic one. But even then, it never seemed like an identification problem, it was only her and the people around her slowly unlocking her personality which the red room had forced away.
Natasha was currently sitting in the living room in a corner scanning a document in her hand. Maria and Clint were silently playing a card game which turned out to be more aggressive than anticipated. Occasionally, one of them would mumble something rather aggressive and both Natasha and Laura would lift their head to see what the commotion was about.
After a long week of staying up late and celebrating New Years, the kids were early in bed. While none of them had said anything both kept throwing glances at Natasha to see if the spy was going to mention the Christmas they never had. But she didn't. Natasha never seemed to get the thought in her head, ignoring the fact that they had many, many gifts piled and unopened in another room. It wasn't like Natasha would have forgotten. She never forgot such things. And while Laura still thought Natasha's behavior was odd, she knew Natasha's memory hadn't faded in the slightest.
With Maria still here Laura found herself with more free time than ever. Like most workplaces, SHIELD found themselves in a quiet period where nothing special happened. All three of them had close to zero work at the moment leaving them all with more time than they were able to use productively so now they were all just working around on the farm.
To Everyone's surprise, Maria and Clint spent quite a lot of time together. Natasha was more distance than ever, making Maria and Clint both back up and use their time together. Natasha would keep looking at them but never join whatever they were doing, keeping her distance far longer than normal. Her behavior was weird Laura thought. She seemed unsure of her place in the house. Which had never been a problem before, but because she was so reserved Laura never got a chance to ask her either.
This had to change. Laura needed it too because she was sick and tired of this, and quite frankly, she just wanted her best friend back.
"Hey, Tal…Nat. Nat, can you help me change the sheets on the beds upstairs? It's been like ages." Natasha looked up at her skeptically but nodded. Laura knew it was unfair of her to ask Natasha like that because she knew the redhead didn't have the balls or the heart to say no. So instead Natasha nodded before allowing her to lead her upstairs.
Natasha was like a shadow, just walking behind her following her every step. She, like always, did a perfect job, doing exactly what she was asked with such perfection it was almost scary. Natasha was naturally talented in every aspect. But even when changing the sheets, she seemed too eager to make it perfect. Which was ridiculous because again, it's the sheets on the bed. Like who cares.
By the time they had gotten to Natasha's room, Laura was sure the other woman was out of her mind. Laura watched the woman brush over a wrinkle for the sixth time before she broke.
"Natasha, what are you going?" Laura let out a sigh and Natasha turned her head with a surprised look.
"Doing what you told me right? Changing the sheets. I mean I can redo if you'd like?" Laura huffed before she walked over to the bed and plopped down on the bed harder than necessary messing up the bed. She watched an uncomfortable look flash over Natasha's eyes.
"See. Nobody cares about all the details and the wrinkle on the sheets. Natasha, what's up?" Natasha wrinkled her nose watching her.
"Hey! That's my bed!" She protested carefully.
"Yeah. The same way this is your home, but right now you certainly aren't acting like it. What's wrong?" Laura leaned back and looked at her the same way she corrected her kids. Laura and Natasha rarely raised their voices ever, and never to each other, but Laura could hear her voice turn more demanding by the second the same way Natasha seem to shrink down and get unsure of herself.
"I…I don't know. I just. It's complicated." Natasha let out a soft sigh looking at her, clearly wanting this conversation to end. Laura wasn't planning on giving in.
"I got time. The kids are in bed and your bed is really comfortable you know." Laura grimaced and for the first time in a long time, Natasha's face softened.
"Have you ever driven your car and just taken a turn without really thinking about it, just driving on autopilot?" Natasha said with a small low voice.
"Yeah sure. Why?"
"How does that make you feel when you realize?" Natasha asked carefully sitting down on the other end of the bed.
"Weird. It kinda scares me that I do things on instinct. Not me who controls me you know." Laura answered. She had no idea where she was going with this. This all seemed kinda random.
"What if that's the way I feel all the time. Like I work on autopilot and just do things without thinking. I lie and kill in the service of liars and killers." Natasha's voice turned deeper, and she looked at her with two big eyes.
"All I do is pretend and work, and kill, and do some more pretending. And I don't know what is true anymore. I don't know what me and what is just me on autopilot. What if I just fucked up. Because right now that's what it feels like." Natasha's confession stung. One because clearly, her best friend was having a real problem, but two because she didn't know how to respond.
"Natasha," Laura whispered opening her arms letting Natasha slowly move into her arms hugging her softly. After a minute Laura pulls back and Natasha looks at her with two intense eyes.
"Maybe you're right. Maybe you aren't yourself" Natasha yanks her head away from her looking at her with disbelief.
"But that doesn't mean you can't figure it out" Natasha's eyes soften slowly nodding.
"How?"
"I know you the red room tried it's best to wipe all the personality away from you. But just do what feels right. Don't overthink it like you are doing now. If your brain thinks it's right. Do it" Laura said straightening up trying to do her best sounding confident.
"I'm not good at making decisions." Natasha answers. While she still clearly is unsure, she sounded calmer.
"You don't have to make big decisions, but the smaller things."
"Who do you want me to be?" Natasha looked at her with a cation look in her eyes making Laura shake her head.
"That's not the point Natasha. Just do you." Natasha blinked tilting her head ever so slightly.
"But how about my best friend, and my kids' amazing aunt. I wouldn't complain about that." Laura said softly with a small laugh and Natasha nodded with a small smile. Maybe Laura did break through to her after all.
The next morning Laura woke to a warm nice smell of something home-baked. She had no idea where and what the wonderful smell was, but she was drawn to it. She turned to her right expecting Clint's side of the bed to be empty the same time he did the same.
"Guess you're not the one baking hu?" Laura nodded softly with a smile before sitting up.
"Maybe we should check it out to make sure it's not a child." Clint let out a groan before following her lead. None of them changed out of their sleepwear. Instead, Laura just dragged on one of Clint's hoodies on top of her t-shirt.
To her surprise she found Natasha standing in her kitchen. Laura swore she had never seen Natasha in an apron ever. Even when they baked before she always refused. But there she was with Laura's red apron on and her hair in a messy bun. Laura can spot som flour in the red hair giving an illusion of blond ends. She would look good blond.
Clint was the first one to move from the door frame and Laura watch him sneak up on Natasha the same way he always does when she bakes. Of course, the retired spy was unbelievably quiet making no sound as he slowly approached the woman.
"Clint if you even dare to touch my cookie you will get sliced in half. Got it" Natasha didn't even look away from whatever she is frosting, eyes still glued to the cookie in front of her.
"Oh buu, you are no fun" Clint pout. But he didn't move closer instead he slipped down on a chair.
"I'm not like your jumpy wife. I can sense you miles away" Natasha answered with a smirk.
"Ouch," Laura said out loud earning a small laugh from Natasha.
"What's going on here?" Laura couldn't help herself when she spun around in surprise making Natasha laugh even louder.
"Natasha is baking I don't know why," Clint says. He doesn't look at Maria as she walks over to them. His eyes are glued on another tray of cookies.
"What are these? -"
"CLINT BARTON- "Natasha spun around the same time Clint picks up a small white glazed cookie.
"Mmm, Nat. Damn" Natasha looks like she wants to kill him right there and then as he slowly tore off a piece handing it to Maria.
"Natasha. You could honestly just drop the spy act and start baking full time. This is very nice" Maria says laughing.
"Honey, right?" Natasha's expression softened looking at Maria. She nods conformingly.
"They are called Pryaniki. It's a Russian holiday cookie. I guess you can translate it to honey bread" Laura walked up to her looking over her shoulder and down on the cookies she was currently working with. It kinda looked like a gingerbread. But at the same time not quite. The one in front of them was shaped like a deer. Carefully lined with frosting and decorated with different colours.
"And if baking doesn't work out for you, art is apparently something you're good at too. What is this?"
"it's called a Kozulya. You can call them the Russian gingerbread. Except it doesn't have ginger. Families usually have a family recipe passed down in the family. I don't have that. Or not that I know of, that is. But I did see a recipe in Stalingr…. Erm. Volgograd once." Natasha explained as she continued to frost the cookie. Her eyebrows were moving up and down as she was clearly thinking while talking. Laura was guessing this wasn't a topic she talked about very often.
"So, any reason you are baking at 6:30 then?" Maria said with a curious voice as she poured herself some coffee before offering some to Laura. Laura didn't realize it was this early in the morning. It was a good point actually. It was at least two dozen of each type of cookie in front of them. It had to have taken hours to prepare.
"January 7th is traditionally the day you celebrate Christmas in Russia. We don't follow the same calendar when it comes to the Russian Christmas celebration. The government uses the Gregorian calendar but the Russian Orthodox Church follows the Julian calendar where December 25th lands on January 7th. I mean that's how I remember it being that one year I celebrated Christmas in Russia. Or was present a least." Natasha said with a low voice before she turned around and looked at them. She looked at all of them, but Laura swore her eyes lingered over hers a bit longer.
"And I thought the kids deserved somewhat of a celebration. It was just what felt right." It was like the kids knew because the second Natasha even finished her sentence the kids ran through the door.
Just the idea of having Natasha over for Christmas was a dream in itself. But Natasha just proved over and over why Laura cherished her so much. The fact that this girl was struggling with anything was just unfair. And that Natasha couldn't see how big her heart was and how amazing she was, was just a sin. The woman started them off by giving the kids some cookies before she swiftly prepared a big pancake breakfast. Laura thought the way she and Clint made pancake batter was pretty efficient already, but somehow Natasha managed to make the breakfast in half the time they did before she moved over to dinner. Because yes, she was going to make a big dinner. And Laura had no idea what half of what she was making was. She had no idea how Natasha knew how to make it either. And just in general she had no idea what was going on in her house.
Natasha was insanely speedy in the kitchen. The fact that this girl hadn't touched a knife or a rolling pin before she had met Laura was impossible to guess. She had no recipe, claiming she just had a recipe in her memory and was just "winging" it. But the smell in Laura's house disagreed with this theory. By the evening Natasha had finished multiple dishes that included some kind of dumpling looking things, beans with shredded potatoes and garlic, a soup and salads.
Laura was enjoying the view as Natasha giggled at Lila's joke. Natasha's eyes were soft and calm, filled with love and confidence. Laura had no idea what had happened over the night, but she was happy it did. She seemed completely different from the mess she was just 24 hours ago. Tense, jumpy, uncomfortable. Nothing of that sort was present in the woman in front of her.
"Auntie Nat?" Natasha hummed softly when Laila walked into the kitchen while the three ladies were cleaning up the dishes.
"You said you didn't celebrate Christmas, but this was a Russian kind of celebration, right?" Natasha smiled at the girl as she slowly dried off a plate handing it to Maria.
"Yes, it kinda was." Laura watched Lila look up at her role model and Cooper walking up to the kitchen to listen to the conversation. Natasha seemed surprisingly calm even if the conversation topic wasn't something she usually seemed comfortable with.
"So how did you know all of this then?" Lila climbed up on a chair and Natasha let out a small laugh.
"You want a story, don't you?" Natasha hummed, her eyes glittering ever so slightly.
"Mhm." Lila nodded.
"Well." Natasha's voice deepened slightly, and Laura recognized her storytelling voice resurfacing.
"At the school I went to every year started on January 1st. Instead of semesters starting in September we started on the first day in the new calendar year. And as you know we didn't celebrate birthdays instead everyone turned a year older night to January 1st.
My first and only real Christmas in Russia was the day I had turned 18. We graduate the year we turn 18 because that when you are legally an adult. After my graduation ceremony the day before, I was sent out in the real world. We lived at our school and through our school system we got our job. Through the same system I got sent to Volgograd to start my new career, but because it was just the start of a new year, I was left with a lot of spare time." Natasha looked at the two kids who both looked at their aunt as she was telling the story. The way she was storytelling was so lighthearted and easygoing.
Laura knew very minimal about Natasha's past. She had never forced her to talk about it and wasn't expecting to do so before she was comfortable. She knew she had grown up in the red room academy which was as far as her understanding went was an academy for young girls to shape and train Russia's most efficient and deadly assassins. She also knew that after the red room Natasha worked for something called KGB as one of the world's best assassins.
This version of Natasha's tale was nothing like the true dark past.
"I had never seen anything quite like it. Don't think I have still. It was so beautiful. For the first time in my life I saw a beautifully decorated town square. With fairy lights between stands and living lights lighting up every corner. Foods I have never seen in my life. It was all so much to take in." Laura watched Natasha's eyes spark and for a second Laura was wondering if Natasha was missing Russia before she remembered that wasn't the case.
"An old lady in a food stand explained to me how Christmas worked and gave me a small taste of the dumplings you guys just ate. It was her recipes, or what I can remember from that recipe I based my treats on today. Back then Russia's economy was very low, but I remember buying myself some chocolate cookies. It was my first real gift to myself. I had never seen any deserts or anything sweet in my life. And in some ways, I guess that's why I love chocolate as much as I do." Natasha smiled softly at the two kids in front of her. Both of them looked at their aunt with amazement.
Natasha's story made some clearly some impact on the two kids. Christmas was always something they had taken for granted. The food, the gifts and having friends and family around them all the time. Natasha had none of that at their age, and because of that she never made a tradition out of it in her adult life. Still, Laura could tell she was enjoying herself and she brushed the kids off whenever they tried to talk about Natasha's past and lack of previous Christmas careful not to break the nice mood and atmosphere.
Natasha seemed almost to calm about the whole thing. Laura swore Natasha was more protective over her past before. She might be wrong, but she didn't think so. Natasha did hold back when the kids tried to dig deeper into her red room time, but other than that she seemed surprisingly open about everything, and Laura wasn't sure that was a good thing.
Another thing Laura noticed was that Natasha was spoiling the kids to another dimension this year. Laura hadn't realized how many gifts she had brought before they were all opened. She was a hundred percent sure Natasha had bought everything on the wish list that Laura and Clint hadn't covered. It was to the point Laura felt genuinely bad about it, but the second she confronted Natasha she had only replied she had nothing else to spend money on anyways. This kinda pissed Laura off. The woman could always treat herself; she didn't have to treat her kids the way she did. She hadn't been to Natasha's apartment in Washington, but she was pretty sure it was very minimalistic. Every piece of expensive clothing Natasha owned was bought by SHIELD or bought because of a mission. The woman never spoiled herself.
For the kids, it was mostly toys, clothes, and other harmless stuff Natasha had bought them. But to Clint and Laura, the scale just quadrupled whatever she had done to the kids. Natasha got her payback to Clint when he opened a knife set. But unlike the once she had gotten, his was engraved and personalized with his own Hawkeye purple, and Laura only needed one small peek to tell that they were expensive. Of course, it didn't stop there. For the first time in like ever, Laura found her husband completely out of words when he unwrapped a new coat. It was long and made from a deep red fabric. It had some black thicker patches which Laura was guessing was fitted with a steadier and a more robust material to support and protect more if needed. It had a zipper that reached down to his waist before it opened on the bottom giving him the freedom to move around without getting restricted by the tight fit. It looked like something you wouldn't find anywhere in any stores, so Natasha had to have had it designed and custom made.
On Laura's part, she got a white fruit bowl. It seemed simple and minimalistic, but Laura reckoned it was real porcelain which made it quite the gift. And certainly not something she should've gotten a mom to two kids. Natasha also listened, or rather, observed when Laura had looked at a couch arm table a few months prior. She ended up not getting it, not wanting to spend that kind of money on something that "silly". But here they were.
Laura and Natasha had never discussed economy. Even she and Clint talked about it very minimally. Obviously, she was aware of Clint's very above-average income, but because most of that went to the house and the kids, she didn't actually have a number on his profit. His savings were quite high and that plus her own savings made room for Laura to stay at home if she wanted. Natasha had to have a ridiculous number by her name. They had a monthly payment at SHIELD to sustain everyone that wasn't a field agent, but every successful mission also earned them a bonus, and maybe a raise. Depending on what the mission involved the bonus fell and raised with the effort needed. Not only did Natasha take maybe twice the number of missions that Clint, but she also happens to have the more difficult once. Not to even mention her work at KGB where she had even more missions and was involved in the black market.
Laura was just about done with her when she walked into her bedroom hours later. The kids were sleeping after a long and exciting day. Natasha was downstairs with Maria taking a call they apparently had been putting off for quite some time, while Clint showered. This left Laura and her thought alone, and she had never experienced her brain jumping so much back and forth between emotions before when her eyes fell on the last gift of the day. She didn't need to ask who bought it; she knew Clint would never get her this one.
"NATASHA ROMANOFF" Laura was mad, happy, surprised, grateful and pissed off.
Natasha and Maria both came jogging into the room a few seconds later and Laura could hear Maria say "Yes Sir" just when they stepped into the room.
"What is this?!" Laura pointed at the white apple box on her bed. It was neatly wrapped with a red ribbon resting on the bed. Natasha smiled softly before grimacing saying.
"Laura, you aren't that old. You know what an iPad is." She didn't move from her spot only smiling at Laura who could feel herself getting more annoyed.
"Natasha, I refuse. No, I can't accept this."
"Of course, you can. And I'm not going to return it either. You better just use it." Laura recognized the words from when she had gifted Natasha the ballet shoes.
"I…I… I don't know what to say." Laura whispered. She didn't dare to touch it. She just stared at it.
"You don't have to say anything... But we kinda do." Laura watched Natasha bit her bottom lip looking at Maria with a small look.
"Fury asked us to come in." Laura was happy Maria was the one that said it, knowing it would've hurt even more if Natasha was the one who had announced it. Of course, she knew they would leave eventually, but she had hoped they would stay a bit longer. Especially considering how very sick Natasha had been a few weeks ago. But now she was almost back to normal so that was probably one of the main reasons.
Natasha had bounced from terribly ill to okay dangerously fast. Of course, they had the slight "I have no idea who I am" situation, but physically she had seemed to get better very fast. So fast it concerned Laura more than she dared to admit.
It helped that even long after they left they both continued to send them updates. I surprised Laura that Maria was so involved still. But she wasn't complaining, she liked Maria. She proved she really cared about Natasha, and now her kids, and it made Laura extremely happy. It made her even happier when Maria started updating her on Natasha and Pepper which she now had named BlackPepper.
Clint spent most of his time home which Laura loved. He wasn't fully retired. But something in between. He didn't get sent on any missions, or at least not any big ones. And the work he got was usually research and reading through mission reports. Laura was scared he would go crazy by the lack of things to do. But he didn't. Yes, he did have some excess energy, but as long as he could tear down a wall or three, he was good. Clint had even started to get more involved with the kids' activities, like Cooper baseball practice, and Lila's gymnastic, things he couldn't do when he was a full-time field agent for SHIELD.
Summer was just around the corner and Laura was sitting outside with a cup of iced tea when Clint walked up to her.
"Maria just texted me." He said with a calm voice. Laura turned around to look at him to see if this was like a good kind of text or something else.
"She warned saying I might have to chip in for a mission or three later this month. You don't mind right?" Clint asked looking at her with two loving eyes.
"Not really. It's up to you what you do really. You know I support you." Laura said with a soft smile, leaning in letting him kiss her on the forehead.
"As long as you don't leave me with half-finished house projects. That I do not support." Clint laughed into her neck and kissed her again before whispering.
"I won't" Laura chuckled back. Yeah right, Clint.
Laura soon found out Clint wasn't the only one that got a message from Maria. Two days later, Laura got a phone call from the agent, and knowing Maria, Laura could already feel her heart started to race in her chest.
"I am kicking her out of the triskelion. I am grounding her." Was the first thing Laura heard when she picked up. Laura stopped in the middle of the hallway in her house, confused about what was going on.
"Natasha, I am sending her home."
"Ehh? Okay?" Laura answered, still no idea what she was responding to at the moment. "Is she okay?" She tried. More out of reflex than actually thinking about what she was asking.
"Yeah. But I don't know how long she will. I am not taking any chances with her anymore." Maria sounded like she was in a hurry. Laura was not surprised. The woman always seemed to have one hundred things to do at the same time. Still, this seemed kinda odd.
"I need her not to break, and so does Fury. But he doesn't know she can break in the first place, so I am just sending her on a few days off." Laura could hear fast footsteps on the other end and decided to just let Maria talk instead of trying to interrupt.
"It's just like a couple of days or so. Honestly, you can decide how long you want to keep her and just tell me when you think she is good to go. Right now, I just need her to rest up." Laura listened to Maria's tense voice.
"Okay. But rest up? Anything particular reason?" Laura asked carefully.
"It's just a lot of things happening, and Roger's might want in and I just need my left hand to work if I would ever need her. Anyways, she will probably arrive late tomorrow. Just text me okay." And then the conversation ended. Laura couldn't have explained what just happened even if she tried. She wanted to tell Clint, but she didn't know how. Instead, she just told him Natasha would come over and he just nodded. None of them needed the details, and frankly, none of them wanted to know every detail either.
Just like Maria said Natasha arrived late the next evening. Laura had decided not to tell any of the kids about the visitor hoping she wouldn't arrive before they both were in bed. While she knew they would be upset with her when they discovered she keeping Natasha's visit a secret she decided it would be for the better. She didn't know why Maria was so firm on sending her home, and she was not taking any chances if Natasha was sick or hurt. Two kids running around in a situation like that wouldn't help any of them.
It surprised Laura when Natasha walked into the house looking more or less fine. The only thing she noticed was Natasha's slightly hoarse voice.
"Kids in bed?" Natasha asked with a low voice as she hugged Laura tightly.
"Yes. They would never have gone if I told them you were coming." Natasha laughed softly as she stepped into the house. Laura followed her into the living room where she put down her small bag and looked around.
"Where is Clint?" She asked as she scanned the house for any changes.
"At a friend's house. Dad's poker night. Guessing he might spend the night." Laura answered with a small chuckle watching Natasha lift an eyebrow.
"Clint has friends? Damn." Laura laughed nodding.
"You'd be surprised how popular he is with the other dads." Natasha laughed with a gentle tone before turning her attention to Laura again.
"You hungry? Maybe you want some tea?" Natasha nodded before she started moving only to make Laura push her down on the couch.
"Nope. I asked I prepare. Sit." Laura watched Natasha open her mouth to protest, but closed it shortly just looking at her before nodding.
Laura kept a close eye on Natasha as she prepared what they had left of the food. As the garlic bread baked, she made sure to add a generous amount of honey to Natasha's tea. The spy had curled up on the couch scanning through something on her tablet. It didn't surprise Laura that Natasha was working even now. Natasha didn't look up before Laura walked up to her with a bowl of soup and garlic bread. The other woman moved to let Laura sit down in the corner before she took the bowl.
"What you are reading?" Laura asked curious sipping on her water.
"Nothing fun," Natasha answered with a small grimace. Laura didn't bother to push. If Natasha didn't want to share, she didn't need to know.
"What about you? Read or seen something fun lately?" Natasha asked as she took the first bite of her food. Laura and Natasha ended up talking about books and films as the spy ate. Even when Natasha worked, she always seemed to have time to read and scan through media for new movie reviews and such.
Laura was talking about her a book she just finished reading when she felt the weight on her shoulder. She wasn't very surprised when she saw Natasha had fallen asleep leaning on her side. She could wake her up, but Natasha looked so peaceful. It was 10:30 pm and at one point they had to move, but they didn't have to right now.
Laura had just finished her through train when she felt Natasha shift in her sleep followed by a small whimper. She just fell asleep like maybe five minutes ago? How did she already have a nightmare? Maybe she did underestimate the situation after all.
"Nat?" Laura shook the girl carefully and Natasha's eyes shot up, and in a quarter of a second, the spy had turned around and was only inches away from her face. It was in situations like these Laura was very thankful for how disciplined and controlled Natasha was. Every time Laura was forced to wake Natasha from a nightmare her eyes turned into eyes of a killer, and if Natasha for even one second lost herself, Laura would have been snapped in half, or best scenario, choked. But Natasha caught herself every time, always seconds before she let her Black Widow lose.
"Hi," Laura whispered as Natasha exhaled loudly. She could hear Natasha mumble something under her breath. Maybe something on Russian, she wasn't sure.
"Want to go upstairs and take a shower maybe?" Laura could hear the slight crack in her voice and her heart was still racing but she tried to push it away. It wasn't about her. It never was. Natasha looked at nothing for a second and Laura was wondering if she had to repeat herself to make sure the spy registered her.
"Yeah. Sure… But I didn't bring anything." Natasha mumbled looking at Laura. Her eyes were glossy, and Laura could tell she was thinking about something.
"That's fine. I'll fix you something."
Laura was walking around in her room trying to find something Natasha could sleep in while she was thinking about what just happened. Natasha didn't look like she had any lack of sleep. She had seen her sleep-deprived before. This wasn't it. Natasha actually seemed very well-rested, and that made Laura really confused. Her thoughts were abruptly interrupted when she heard two small explosions and a small squeal from Natasha's room. Laura stormed into the neighboring room to find Natasha yelling.
"Laura. Stop!" Laura stopped just inches away from a big shard of glass.
"Holy shit," Laura whispered looking around in the dark room. She could very faintly see Natasha's shadow in the bathroom door and pieces of glass around in the room.
"I think two of the lamps exploded." Natasha lowered her voice and Laura watched her step carefully around in the room. She had no idea how Natasha was seeing anything in the pitch-black room, but she made her way over to Laura somehow more elegant than Laura could in bright sunshine. She was just wrapped in a towel when she stepped out of the room and walked down to Laura's room. Laura didn't find words as she just followed Natasha feeling completely useless. Natasha closed the door behind them and rolled her eyes before saying.
"Well, that was fun. I think I have glass in my hair." The spy plopped down on Laura's bed and started to brush her hair with her hand. Laura was still stunned and watched as Natasha picked up a piece from the back of her head.
"Umm. You're bleeding." Laura whispered and Natasha laughed softly.
"Not surprised." Laura watched Natasha inspect herself. She had a few rifts and cuts but nothing too big.
"What happened exactly?" Laura finally found her voice and asked. Natasha looked at her before she shook her head.
"I would love to know that too I was just about to step into the shower when the lamp above the sink exploded and the one in the bedroom followed like a second later." Natasha smiled at her rolling her eyes again. "Have Clint been tinkering again?"
Laura thought about it for a second before nodding. "Actually yes. He was talking about some new light bulbs and stuff a few weeks ago." Natasha laughed again before answering.
"Yeah, that worked swell. Please say your shower doesn't explode on me." Laura shook her head again.
"Not that I know of." Natasha stood up and smiled.
"Well, then I am stealing that and your bed for the night. I am not sleeping in mine that's for sure."
Natasha walked out of the shower 30 minutes later wrapped in a towel and damp hair. She smiled softly at Laura who handed her a big t-shirt and some spare underwear.
"It's insane that the kids are still sleeping. They could sleep through an earthquake." Natasha said with a small huff as she slipped the shirt on.
"Yeah just like their dad." Laura laughed softly. She climbed into the bed after turning off the light in the room. She could hear Natasha move around in the room before she heard a pop from what sounded like a lid. Laura didn't have much time to question it before Natasha followed her and climbed into the bed with her.
"I am going to kill Clint tomorrow," Natasha mumbled low tired voice. Laura laughed softly at the spy. She was not going to stop her. She wasn't a big fan of this exploding lamp thing either. Thank god it was Natasha who was there when it happened and not any of the kids.
She was wondering how the spy was doing. They had both ignored the small incident earlier, and Laura would be lying if she said she wasn't scared Natasha would have another one now. Laura hated Natasha and Clint's nightmares, but she couldn't blame them. Only they and some of the other SHIELD agents could relate to them. They had seen things normal humans only could dream of, and not in a good way.
To Laura's surprise, she wasn't woken up by a screaming Natasha, but she was woken up by a screaming Lila. Laura opened her eyes just when her daughter jumped over her and into the bed landing on top of Natasha.
"Lila Barton?!" Laura slipped out looking at her daughter in disbelief who was currently curled up in Natasha's arms. Natasha laughed softly into the girl's neck hugging her back.
"Hello, flower." Natasha's voice was only a whisper and Laura noticed how Natasha was swallowing a few times.
"I saw your door was open, but since you wasn't here, I figured you was here." Lila giggled. Laura decided not to correct the girl's grammar instead she smiled at the girl.
"Well, she is. And I know you love her, but I would appreciate you not jumping into the bed like that next time okay Lila?" Lila looked at her with big eyes before she nodded.
"Please go and get dressed and we'll meet you downstairs. School starts soon remember." Lila pouted but didn't say anything just slipping out of bed before saying.
"It's glass in Nat's bed. It looks funny." Laura shook her head as she watched the girl walk out of the room again.
"You okay Talia?" Laura asked as she slipped out of the bed looking at the other woman. Natasha nodded bringing her hand to her throat.
"Fine." Her voice cracked and Laura could see Natasha move her eyebrows in discomfort.
"Your voice wasn't nearly as bad as this yesterday? Where were you before you came here?" Laura asked with a concerned look on her face.
"Iceland. The weather there is crazy. One second it's sunny and the next it's like Thor's powers just decided to unleash on top of your head." Natasha lowered her voice, but even as a whisper, it was rusty and hoarse.
"Better dress yourself warm and get some warm tea down your throat before your vocal cords decide to snap in half." Natasha purred before nodding and walked to the closet scanning through Laura's closet.
Two hours later and Natasha and Laura had just dropped off the kids and was on their way home. Natasha was leaning back in the car seat with her eyes half-closed. She was dressed in one of Laura's sweaters paired with military jacked she had arrived in.
"It's incredible that you haven't moved any of your clothes over to ours." Laura laughed softly as Natasha smuggled into her sweater.
"Mhm. I like to steal your guy's clothes. I'm fine." Natasha says hugging herself in the sweater winking at Laura.
"Sure, you do." Natasha hummed smiling at her. "You know what also is incredible. That we got the kids to school on time." Laura added smiling softly at Natasha who smiled smugly with her eyes closed. As Laura had suspected the kids refused to move even close to the door when they discovered Natasha. The idea of school was rarely appealing, and even less now that their aunt was back. The only way they had gotten them out the door was when Natasha had looked at them and whispered something in their ear that Laura hadn't been allowed to hear. After that, and Natasha joining them in the car, they had agreed to go to school.
"What did you say to them anyway?" Laura asked, allowing herself to look away from the road half a second to look at the younger woman. Natasha laughed before harking and saying.
"I told them I would stay at least out the week and if they behaved, I would even come to Coops game on Saturday." Laura took note of how Natasha's voice sounded even more hoarse now.
"Oh, really is that so. It's only Wednesday Nat. You sure you'll survive that long." Laura said jokingly. She was surprised. While she knew Natasha adored the kids, she also had a feeling a lot was happening back at SHIELD and she was surprised Natasha agreed to stay so long away from work.
"I mean Maria told me I wasn't allowed to go back before you let me, which is never so yeah." Natasha laughed back and Laura could see her look at her in the corner of her eye.
"I mean yeah, but I can't keep you forever. But I do appreciate you staying for more than two days." Laura's voice turned serious and she looked at Natasha. Natasha leaned back into the seat and closed her eyes again. It shocked Laura how tired Natasha seemed. She had slept the whole night. Maybe 7 hours, which she knew was quite a lot for the agent already.
Natasha was leaning at the window and her breath seemed to even out fast, indicating she was already asleep when they both jumped in surprise. Laura's eyes were moving around in the car trying to locate the ringing sound when Natasha fished her phone from her pressing a button before leaning back again.
"Hi. This is Romanoff." Natasha cough loudly making Laura throw a look at the woman who had closed her eyes already.
"Natasha? Are you okay?" Laura was surprised to hear Pepper Potts's voice on the other end. She glanced at Natasha who just smiled slightly.
"Well hi to you too, Pepper. I was expecting a scolding Maria or something, but this is way better." Natasha's voice was playful, and Laura could practically see Pepper rolling her eyes.
"I can definitely scold you. Maria told me you weren't in the office when I asked where you were. She told me she had sent you away, grounding you. You sound sick. Are you okay? I thought maybe you would be in New York, but your apartment was empty so- "Pepper's voice drifted off and Natasha hummed slightly. Laura was surprised when Pepper mentioned New York. She didn't even know Natasha had an apartment there.
"I am fine Pep. I promise. Just a cold from my last mission I guess." Natasha said with a calm voice, trying to calm the other woman down.
"Yeah sure, Nat. Because the last time you were worn out and sick everything was totally fine." Laura almost laughed hearing Peppers tired and slightly annoyed voice.
"Christmas was 5 months ago." Natasha countered.
"I wasn't talking about Christmas Nat." Laura looked at Natasha with a confused look, but the spy didn't look at her back, instead, she said.
"Was that all Ms. Potts" Natasha turned her voice to her professional voice only letting her voice crack once binging herself in very fast.
"Yes. I guess that will be all. Thank you, Ms. Romanoff." Laura heard Natasha chuckled softly before hanging up.
"She really cares about you, Natasha," Laura said finally. Natasha exhaled loudly before saying.
"She really does." Natasha purred back.
The rest of the car ride was quiet, and Laura was yet again left with her thoughts. She was happy she was driving so she didn't have time to over-analyze everything Pepper had said. Still, she was surprised about some of it. She didn't know how close the two of them were, but she did get the illusion that they did indeed spend quite some time together.
Natasha and Laura stepped into the house 15 minutes later to find Clint sitting in the kitchen reading the newspaper. Laura couldn't help but notice the bag beside his chair.
"Wow, look who finally showed up." He stood up and hugged Natasha tightly.
"I was taking your kids to school. What is your excuse?" Natasha hit him lightly making him grimace. He handed her a mug with coffee and she accepted with a small smile.
"I have other friends than just you now. Who would have thought?" Natasha smiled around the mug and Laura giggled at the two of them. "I do have to leave you two soon though." Laura looked at him carefully. Was he serious? Natasha was yet again the first of the two to collect themselves and ask.
"Oh, is that so Barton. Where are we headed?" Natasha's voice was calm, and unlike Laura, she seemed to have expected this.
"Just to HQ to look at some mission reports and stuff. Won't actually be sent out on the field." Natasha nodded conformingly with a smile and Laura was wondering if she already knew this.
"How long then? I feel like we never get to spend time together. And what about the kids?" Laura finally said. Maria had already warned her, but she didn't like the sound of this.
"A couple of days. And the kids will be fine. They have Natasha. They don't care about me if they got her." Clint answered and again Natasha nodded conformingly.
"So, we got time after that. He will only have to look at some files we don't feel comfortable sending him. It's not that much, but kinda dense and heavy stuff not gonna lie. It took me two tries to get through it all so it will probably take Clint like seven." Natasha mocked making Clint stick his tongue out.
"If it took you two it will take him way more than seven Nat. You know this," Laura said with a small laugher making Clint gasp loudly.
"Wow, both my work wife and real wife teaming up against me. Sweet." Clint said with a small pout. Laura looked at Natasha and her eyes were shining mischievously making Laura wonder what the hell the girl was going to say now.
"Piff. If it was ever between you or Laura I would a hundred percent date her and not you." It was Laura's turn to gasp and Clint whined.
"OUCH Romanoff. That really stung you know." He said holding over his heart pretending to fall backward.
"You're welcome, Clint. But I am serious if you want to get through all those papers before the weekend I would leave now. It's a lot. It's also like five different languages sown into the mess and I don't know if you speak all of them so you're welcome." Natasha said with a more serious tone. Clint nodded saying.
"Yeah, they'll be here any minute now." kissing Laura before walking out the door. Five minutes later they could hear an engine outside and Natasha grimace.
"Wow, that's unfair. They didn't bother with a ride for me." Natasha looked out the window looking at whatever was picking Clin up.
"How did you get here?" Laura asked carefully watching Natasha sit down still with her eyes locked out the window.
"I rather not tell," Natasha said with a small wink and Laura nodded not sure if she wanted to know anymore. Instead, she asked casually.
"Do you want to do something before the kids come home or?" Laura asked moving over to the sitting area. Natasha shook her head and smiled softly.
"To be honest I'm kinda tired," Natasha answered looking at her. Laura nodded.
"That's fine, a nap won't hurt anyone."
"But if you want to do something that's fine too. I mean we don't see each other that often anymore and neve without the kids. If you want-. "Natasha was rambling and didn't stop before Laura lifted a hand and looked at her seriously.
"Nat, it's fine. I have a book to finish anyways so." Natasha nodded slowly before standing up getting her bag. Laura could see her looking at something in her bag thinking about something. She watched Natasha move her nose ever so slightly like she was debating between something before she dug deeper in the bag and popped something open. Laura didn't know what she was doing but Natasha's body language was clear that she didn't want her to ask so she decided to let the spy have this one.
Laura didn't actually have a book to finish. She had just lied so she wouldn't make Natasha feel bad. She concluded it was the right decision because she watched Natasha curl up on the couch before falling asleep minutes later.
Laura slowly shook the spy awake 3 hours later at 1:30 pm. The kids would be home soon enough, and she wanted to give Natasha some time to wake up before her two kids jumped on top of her again.
"Hi," Laura said softly as Natasha opened her eyes. Laura had known this woman for years, but Natasha's beauty was still something she never was going to be able to prosses. Even with two tired eyes her green eyes and soft relaxed face made Laura's heart expand. She could not believe this was a woman who had been a dangerous assassin. Someone she was genuinely afraid of before.
"Hi." Natasha answered coughing loudly as her voice broke. "errhm" Natasha tried again, trying to shake some life in her broken vocal cords. Laura's eyes soften looking at Natasha with a small smile. She left the girl on the sofa moving over to the kitchen pouring some hot water and plopping in a tea bag. Natasha accepted it with a half-smile before she sipped on it not letting it cool down first.
"Well, this is fun." Natasha tried for the third time this time her voice didn't crack immediately, but Laura could tell it was still bothersome.
"Rest your voice, Talia. I don't think Maria would ever forgive me if I return you with a destroyed throat." Natasha smiled but didn't laugh out loud. Instead, she nodded and lowered her voice to a whisper.
"Aren't you going to pick up the kids?" Laura shook her no.
"No, we have a carpool on the way home. Me and two others. It's nice. I could never have it too school though, I am always late." Natasha chucked again before nodding.
Laura wasn't the one to brag. She had never been, but she was a pretty bight woman. Sure, right now she was a stay at home mom, but she had already an impressive resume behind her. She had graduated high school early before getting a college degree in psychology. By the time she married Clint she had finished college, had a Ph.D., was the daily manager of a clinic specialized in humans brain and way of thoughts, and had a best-selling short story in New York. She wasn't dumb. In fact, she was a really smart woman.
Clint wasn't bad either. While he didn't have a degree like Laura, he was an amazing human as well as a top tier agent at SHIELD. And SHIELD was not the one to hire a useless human. Both of them were multilingual. Laura was only fluent in Italian and English but had a good understanding of Spanish as well. Clint also covered German, Italian, French and Japanese. They were both really good at what they did, so how come her DNA mixed with his DNA end up making two kids that somehow didn't even know the difference between the left and right and somehow couldn't make the table?
"Cooper, fork on the left." Natasha tried again looking at the boy.
"No, the other left." Natasha shook her head in defeat as Cooper placed the fork on the right side of the place. Laura looked at Lila who somehow, again, placed the glass on the left side of the plate even when Natasha had already made one set she could just copy.
"Another thing they got from their dad is their enthusiasm for correct etiquette," Natasha mumbled taking the forks from Cooper to finish the miserably failed attempt.
Both Cooper and Lila either didn't hear her or ignored her as they plopped down on their seats. Laura smiled softly at Natasha who rolled her eyes. The two of them had skipped lunch all together making an early dinner. Pasta and meatballs were on the menu. Kids favourite, but also a mom's favourite because of the easy preparations.
To nobody's surprise, both kids were talking over each other babbling about their day not giving any room for the adult to respond to anything. Both Laura was trying her best to follow but she had no chance only getting maybe 40% of what came out of their mouths. She could tell Natasha was having the same problem.
Natasha was still a trooper playing with the kids after dinner and doing her best even if her voice was close to gone by 9 pm.
"Auntie Nat can you sing us a song." Lila was, of course, the one that was asking. She looked at her aunt with big eyes and it reminded Laura dangerously much of Clint begging Natasha to do something he didn't want to do.
"Lila, she can barely talk. She needs to rest her voice. Besides, you are supposed to go to bed now." Laura explained to her daughter, not that Lila cared very much. She still looked at Natasha with begging eyes making Natasha laugh softly.
"Hey flower, why don't I play on the piano instead yeah. And your mom and braid your hair before you go to bed?" Lila looked at her mother and Laura shrugs. If it would get her kid to bed, she wasn't going to complain.
Lila turned her back towards her mother and watched as Natasha took a seat by the piano. Laura looked at her and Natasha smirked at her before winking very fast to make sure Lila wouldn't pick up anything. Laura wasn't quite sure what Natasha was planning but she looked pretty sure of herself.
Laura soon found out that Natasha's plan was to play the girl to sleep and to her surprise it worked. Laura didn't know how, but 15 minutes later, after one braid and multiple songs, Lila had fallen asleep. Natasha smiled softly as she switched over to a new song, the first one Laura actually recognized.
"You played that one for me once, right?" Laura almost jumped when she heard Cooper's voice. Natasha turned her head and lifted her hand from the tangents.
"I did. But that was a very long time, I didn't think you would remember that." Natasha admitted with a soft whisper. She smiled at the boy with a soft smile and he shook his head.
"I didn't really, not before now. I think it was my favourite lullaby before, but after you sang it with dad, I didn't want him to sing it alone ever again." Laura looked at the boy and she could see some red forming in his cheeks.
"Well, remind me later and I might sing it for you. But Honahlee is waiting or you. Bed now." Natasha said. Even with a whisper and destroyed voice she somehow sounded strict. Cooper nodded and walked upstairs. Laura was just about to pick up Lila when Natasha stopped her grabbing her arm.
"I'll take them." Laura wanted to protest telling her she didn't need to. But something in Natasha's eyes told her she needed the time alone right now, so Laura just nodded watching Natasha carry the girl up with Cooper leading the way.
Laura spent the next hour cleaning up in the house while Natasha put the kids. Toys were everywhere and Laura couldn't help but let out a rather loud sigh when she found one of the toy cars in the kitchen sink. Natasha joined 70 minutes later. She smiled softly at Laura before she sat down on the sofa looking at her with a thoughtful look.
"What you are thinking about?" Laura asked as she was putting away the last toys.
"Mhm... Nothing special. Clint texted me just now about his work. So, I guess I was just thinking about that." Natasha's voice was distant and hard to read. The woman was staring out into nothing while she was fiddling with her hair making a messy bun on top of her head.
"Sounds like he is having a great time then," Laura answered with a soft laughter.
"Yeah if you count ripping his hair out in frustration a great time you are correct." Laura laughed again and Natasha smiled at her.
"Clint didn't fix my room while we were gone did he?" Natasha said still thoughtful coughing at the end of the sentence.
"He removed all of the glass but other than that no not really." Laura watched Natasha sigh closing her eyes to think.
"Why? I haven't made your bed, I was kinda just assuming we would share mine again. It's not like we have done that a hundred times already?" Laura felt weird having to defend herself. She had known Natasha for years and most of the time when Clint wasn't with them they had ended up sharing a bed. Either because they fell asleep talking or for other reasons like laziness not making another bed. This wasn't news and certainly not something Laura would expect Natasha to react on now.
"I don't know. I can always just throw on a duvet and just..." Natasha started making Laura's heart sink.
"Natasha are you serious right now?" Laura cut her off in disbelief looking at her with big eyes. Natasha shrunk under her eyes turning away.
"I really don't appreciate this dishonesty you're portraying right now." Laura's voice was firmer than intended making Natasha's head jump up meeting her eyes.
"Can we talk about it tomorrow?" Natasha asked looking at her with dark eyes.
"Okay. Tomorrow it is." Natasha half-smiled moving her eyes from Natasha's eyes before walking out the room with her head down.
Laura didn't want to push the other woman anymore. She let Natasha get the space she needed leaving her alone in their room as she showered and brushed her teeth. When she walked out into the bedroom again Natasha was looking down in her hand and Laura caught a glimpse of something she was playing within her hand. Natasha closed her hand fast when she noticed Laura standing up before she passed her walking into the bathroom.
Laura had no idea what was going through her head. It was no point in asking. The spy had made it very clear she wasn't willing to talk about it now anyway.
She crawled into bed and turned the nightlight off closing her eyes and waited for Natasha to return to the room. Laura didn't know how long she waited but she could feel the sleep slowly fall over her until she wasn't able to separate dream from real life before she fell into a heavy sleep with a Natasha sleeping restlessly beside her.
A/N: So, if you guys are still unsure about what is happening, which I get, it's kinda weird, I'll give you a brief explanation. When or if you read this, I would recommend reading the two last chapters again because I think it will make even more sense then. This is my way / my interpretation of the movie and the characters btw.
So, in the last two chapters (and part of the next one) we have covered the Christmas 2012 and the following year. AKA before Winter soldier AKA the year Iron man takes place (that's not important but that still). In the time of the on-screen movie covers, we see Natasha having some serious identifying problems. They aren't that obvious the first time you watch the movie, but I have watched the damn movie so many times. Like holy fuzzy. And these chapters are a prologue to that. And I won't explain so much why this is a problem because lol that will be I the other fanfiction (ahaha ups) but I mean now you'll get an explanation on her behavior at least.
In Captain America winter soldier Steve and Natasha have this conversation in the car.
[…]
Natasha Romanoff: Well, that's alright, you just make something up.
Steve Rogers: What, like you?
Natasha Romanoff: I don't know. The truth is a matter of circumstances, it's not all things to all people all the time. And neither am I.
Steve Rogers: That's a tough way to live.
Natasha Romanoff: it's a good way not to die, though.
Steve Rogers: You know, it's kind of hard to trust someone when you don't know who that someone really is.
Natasha Romanoff: Yeah. Who do you want me to be?
Steve Rogers: How about a friend?
Natasha Romanoff: Well, there's a chance you might be in the wrong business, Rogers.
[…]
Now it's a lot of great things to analyze in this part, but it's the "The truth is a matter of circumstances, it's not all things to all people all the time. And neither am I." and "Yeah. Who do you want me to be?" parts that I am referring to the most. And a few other things in the movie. To mention a few.
- "Natasha is comfortable with everything".
- Natasha has no problem with admitting she disobeyed Steve on the ship
- Natasha asked Steve if he trusts her to save his life
- Natasha's instinct to protect Nick
- "I only act like I know everything, Rogers
- "When I first joined SHIELD, I thought I was going straight. But I guess I just traded in the KGB for HYDRA. I thought I knew whose lies I was telling, but...I guess I can't tell the difference anymore."
- And like most obvious one when Natasha leaked everything about herself on the internet
Natasha was trained as a spy. A spy is supposed to blend with everyone and everything. Unlike Steve, her view at truth isn't as specific and black and white. Not engraved in stone if you get what I'm putting down here. It can be changed and manipulated to work in a certain situation. She even warns him saying that what she is now might not be how she is all the time. She dead says she might even betray him and is not trustworthy. She calls it reading the terrain.
She asks him who he wants her to be, aka she is open to change her alias for him if that makes it easier. We also see her flow between personas and personalities with ease. Like she turns into a flirting girlfriend in like 0,2 seconds in the apple store.
She does realize that might be confusing and hard to trust. That's why she asks him if he trusts her to save his life later on. He says yes because she admits it's something she struggled with and realizes this problem. This proves her loyalty to him. In that dialogue, she actually talks about lying. But it's also about her, I think at least. Her life is pretty much pretending and lying. And that's a problem. She doesn't know what lies she is telling. She doesn't know what kind of person she is. In other words, she has no idea what she is and what she is doing really. She just says yes. AKA being comfortable with everything
The reason I mention Nick Fury is because I think for her Nick is a very important part of her life. And no, I am not talking about as a friend, but as something that literally keeps her going, keeps her on her feet. Think about it this way. In the red room, she had Madam B who was her teacher. Her rock that ordered her, taught her, was the only human that really kept her going. She had no friends, no family. She had her headmistress and that was kinda it.
When she moved over to SHIELD, yes, she had Clint, but Nick was her new rock, her new leader. He gave her all the orders and missions. So, when he "died" she lost a big part of her in the process. Which was probably why she needed to see him before she did anything else. Also, in the movie, she was low key all over the place when he was "dead". But the second he was back she seemed actually a lot surer of herself. Like she dropped everything about herself and all the bad things she did on the internet.
She relies on somebody else to make something up, to make a persona she can be, so she isn't a nobody. So, she is somebody.
(that was long. I hope it made some sense. Again, prologue to that bit right.)
S-B