LOG: Day 30
PASSENGERS: 313
AUTHOR: DR ALEX DANVERS
[It has been one month since we reached Takron-Galtos. Though I do not hold a leadership position, I have been asked to continue writing these logs. I think people want some assurance that even if they pass, someone has recorded their time here. My grasp of English, the most common language aboard, volunteered me to continue.
Upon reaching Takron-Galtos, we were left adrift. No guidelines were provided for operation of the ship, and only a few members of the crew have engineering training applicable to this vessel.
Cadmus left enough resources for several weeks without docking. While this may seem like an act of kindness, I suspect that we have more then they intended. My understanding, based on previous intel and the number of empty cells, is that several hundred more aliens were supposed to be aboard.
However, the limited recourses and lack of progress on navigation began to raise tensions. This reached its panicle when it was revealed that I am human, and a member of a government organization tasked with monitoring alien life on Earth. This was understandably received poorly. My life was only spared due to the actions of a handful of individuals who vouched for me personally, and those that I attempted to free prior to the ship taking off. Furthermore, my training as a doctor and bioengineer has made me valuable enough that my presence continues to be tolerated. I hope they do not grow to regret this decision.
Following this, Lyron of Starhaven has become Captain and assumed control of the ship. Three died in the conflict.
Two of these deaths resulted from direct assault. A male of an unknown species was stabbed in an attempt to acquire more food then was rationed. He later died of his wounds as I could not stem the bleeding. An unknown hellgrammite was discovered the next day, concealed in an alcove. He was likely murdered by another crew member and used the chaos of my attempted arrest to conceal the body. The assailants remain unknown.
The final death involved a Byrnian engineer named Mykra. She died when attempting to investigate a method for restarting the dormant engine. There was a minor explosion, but due to her proximity she died instantly.
On day 24 Ella (an Alstairan technician) and Dryl (a Tormock bio-mechanic) managed to begin operation of the ship, and we began our attempts to locate and travel to the closest habitable planet.
I am expected in the temporary infirmary. Several are still injured from our journey, and several more from the conflicts described above. However, we are making progress, and I expect to have further information about returning home in the coming days.]
Maggie had tried not to notice. She's bitten the inside of her cheek and twisted her fingers and swallowed any response. For two weeks she had succeeded.
But it was hard not to acknowledge that Lucy would not say the name of their missing girlfriend.
Even talking about the manhunt, Lucy always referred to the ship or the mission at hand. Never Alex, or even Agent Danvers. Upon a direct question concerning Alex's ability to receive a signal if they could even get one out, Lucy had curtly responded that all DEO agents have sufficient IT training.
The ship left the atmosphere two weeks ago, and Maggie felt like she was living with a ghost that only she could see.
They have been trapped in a cycle since that first night Lucy came home; They wake up, pretend that they don't notice Alex's running shoes by the door, make coffee and go to work; Both of them throw themselves at the investigation, wherever it leads, and pretend Maggie doesn't automatically dial Alex's number to give the DEO updates; They work until someone brings them a meal, and they pretend Lucy doesn't save half for Alex, because, of the three of them, she is the most prone to forgetting lunch; Finally, at the end of a too-long workday, they pretend that Maggie didn't make enough dinner for three, before crawling into their too big bed.
And through all of that, Lucy has not said her name and it's killing her.
Bad enough that Winn's a wreck – disappearing himself throughout the day just so he can breathe - because he doesn't feel like he deserves the same room to mourn - because he thinks he was the reason Alex was on that ship.
Bad enough that J'onn has to keep running interference with the higher ups – justifying so much manpower for a single operation, for a single agent, on a near hourly basis.
Bad enough that Kara has yet to do anything but patrol and sleep – not spending more than seconds with anyone since that first night she crawled into Alex's bed with Maggie and sobbed herself to sleep.
Maggie can't also be the only one saying their girlfriends name at home. In Alex's apartment.
So, when Lucy came home that night, she eyed Maggie warily. She'd set herself up on the couch, fire blazing, scotch in hand, another glass already waiting. Maggie'd even traded in her leather jacket and jeans for Lucy's pajama pants and Alex's old Stanford hoody. It screamed trap, but there wasn't anywhere to retreat.
"Do you wanna get changed?" Maggie asked, all soft eyes, looking the picture of innocence with her legs curled up under her, back pressed against the arm of the couch.
"No," Lucy replied carefully, taking off her jacket. "I want to go to bed."
"Yeah, well," Maggie shifted, placing a foot on the floor. "That's not on the menu tonight – though I can offer you a heart to heart about our missing girlfriend, or a discussion about your emotional state."
The attempted levity fell short, Lucy crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes.
"And if I say no?"
"Then, I guess we go to bed," Maggie tilted her head. "But we both know that isn't the healthy choice."
"But ambushing me is?" She snapped back.
Sighing, Maggie leaned over to place her glass on the coffee table, rubbing her eyes. "No, probably not, but it's what Alex would do," Lucy flinched. After a long, heavy pause, she decided to just rip the band aid off. "Are we just never going to talk about her?"
Bad call – Lucy was instantly on the move, throwing her jacket at the table before taking to the stairs.
"Luce? Lucy!" Maggie got up to follow, where Lucy was already yanking open the closet. "What are you doing?"
"I can't do this, Maggie," and for a heart stopping, nauseating moment Maggie though she meant them. Couldn't handle their relationship – couldn't be with her without Alex. That this was Lucy, packing up her shit and leaving Maggie, alone, in this too big apartment. "I can't just talk about her and… I don't even know! Feel better about it? She's gone and I've got to find her but nothing I do seems to be working!"
Without even turning around, Lucy started to strip out of her uniform, violently kicking her heals into the closet – she'd gone back to the Army Blues this morning out of desperation. Laundry was Alex's job.
"I'm not saying talking about her will make you feel better-"
"No! It'll make you feel better," her jacket went next, shoved onto a hanger. "But I don't want to talk about it."
"Why not!" Suddenly, Maggie found herself snapping back, feeling like her plan spun out of control so quickly she couldn't even find the strands of where they started. "Surely you don't think this is healthy or helpful, Alex is-"
"Gone!" The caliber of the shout shocked her to silence, Lucy snapping around to glare at her remaining girlfriend, hairpins partially removed, in just her skirt and button up. "She's gone and nothing I say and nothing I do is going to change that! She's just gone-" and just like that day in the conference room, Maggie watched her girlfriend unravel – her pain leaving her unstitched at the seams, tears running down her face. "Alex is gone, and I just don't know how to talk about that, Mags."
Tears forming in her own eyes, Maggie took another step into the room, inching towards her crumbling partner.
"Luce, we'll get her back-"
"You don't know that!"
LOG: Day 41
PASSENGERS: 295
AUTHOR: DR ALEX DANVERS
[17 died upon arrival in Gruuliv, the closest planet in Takron-Galtos. We did not know much of the solar system we entered, and unbeknownst to the majority of the crew, we docked in a planet unwelcoming to those who spoke with the Ligethimite tongue.
The governing body permitted us to dock and seek assistance, so long as they could investigate the ship for untoward behavior. This was discussed with the use of a translator aboard who was originally from this very planet. We believed this to be good luck. Lyron accepted their conditions.
Several guards entered. They appeared non-threatening. They toured the ship and spoke politely with several of the crew who understood some of their language. Several of our number were clearly uneasy and made efforts to avoid conversation. Unfortunately, one of the younger aliens had the misfortune of whispering something to his mother within ear shot of a guard. The situation quickly escalated, resulting in a mass boarding of the ship by several more armed Gruulivians.
The young child and his mother were dragged bodily from the ship, despite the protest of many.
They forced everyone against walls and spoke forcibly until it became understood that they wished us all to speak aloud. Many tried to speak English or other Earth-bound tongues, but I think they were listening for an accent, not a language. When the Ligethimite tongue was discovered in ten more of the crew, they were executed.
The guards attempted to force me to lead them down to the infirmary. Lyron intervened in my murder, agreeing to lead them. He later explained that he told them of my position as a doctor, and how I was duty bound to protect the ill and injured. He had no such duty and valued a living medic more than whoever they killed in the infirmary. Five more died as a result.
Following the massacre, the armed soldiers appeared to revert back to their vaguely friendly personas. They seemed to thank us for our patience and left.
I cannot bring myself to explain each individual who died as a result of this event, though files relating to them are attached. Two of the dead were children. I just wish to send my sincerest apologies to the families of those who were lost. I am so deeply sorry, words cannot express.
Moving forward, we are implementing a system for protection of those most vulnerable. Using the standards of their own races, we have over a dozen children aboard, six elderly and two pregnant individuals. This is no comfort to those already lost but know that we are doing everything in our power to protect every member of this ship.
Lyron asked the translator originally used to negotiate with the governing body of Gruuliv to remain behind when we disembark. The suspicions regarding his role in the massacre is too high to justify remaining. His name and identifying information are listed in the attachment, but he declined to provide any further information for anyone on Earth. He did not seem to believe anyone would miss him.
We have to remain on Gruuliv another few days. The governing body gifted us food and supplies, as well as navigation coding for a nearby planet, Cimenus. Lyron's hope is that we can find someone willing to trade the Hoshin frigate. We require a new ship, which is smaller and capable of travel back to the Milky Way.
We will survive this – we will get home.]
It was J'onn who eventually brought it up.
Everyone else had been skirting around this final obligation – now that it was clear no quick fix was available. That Alex wasn't coming home anytime soon. But no one wanted to say it, as if telling Eliza was the final nail in acknowledging their new reality.
"Someone needs to go to Midvale."
Suddenly, no eyes were on him. Winn ducking to look at his feet, Kara scratching at the corner of the center console, Lucy staring straight through him.
"Eliza needs to be notified. It's been too long already."
A long silence.
"I should go," the cold tone Kara had started to adopt seeped in tenfold.
"I'll join you, as her C.O." The other option was Lucy, but J'onn was not in the business of creating agony.
No one protested, and within minutes they took off. No point in pretending a car was necessary – no point delaying the inevitable.
Landing hard in their childhood backyard was when it really hit Kara. Her mind spun out, staring at the telescope, her thoughts ricocheting violently – Was she destined to lose everyone? Would she never feel at home on Earth again?
"Kara?" The back door opened. "J'onn? I thought I heard something out here."
Later Kara would try pinpoint the moment Eliza knew. Somewhere between her drying her hands on the Midvale Elementary tea towel and Kara reaching the top stair of the porch. That's when, she decided – somewhere in that space.
Because Eliza's smile faded, and her eyes narrowed. She didn't reach for a hug or ask any pleasantries – so she knew before Kara was in front of her.
"Eliza-"
"No," she was still holding the towel in her hand when she raised it, stopping Kara's words. "Don't."
"Eliza, somethings happened-"
"No."
"Dr. Danvers, why don't we go inside-"
"Stop talking, now, both of you," she placed her other hand on her chest, as if the harder she pressed, the less likely her heart would tumble out and shatter. Neither of the unwanted guests moved to speak again, watching the waves of pain and fear spread over the older women's face. "Is she dead?"
"Eliza-" J'onn this time, his voice soft with his own pain.
But Eliza smacked his offered hand out of the air, fixing furious eyes on the man. "You will tell me this instant if my child is dead J'onn J'onzz."
A small sigh. "We don't know."
"You don't…" that's when she stumbled, Kara's steadying hand on her elbow the only reason she made it to the outdoor couch. Kara remained crouched to her side, maintaining physical contact, while J'onn sat.
He'd done enough death notifications in his time as Director that he could resist the urge to placate or hold back – even if his heart was burning along with the family this time. "She went after Jeremiah – he was helping Cadmus transport aliens using a repurposed spacecraft. We don't know the specifics, but Alex was on board when it launched. It was designed to enter lightspeed once it reached the lower atmosphere and despite best efforts," Kara flinched, "we could not stop it."
Eliza's breathing became ragged, eyes locked with J'onn's, as if searching for a less painful truth.
"Where is she?"
"We are still trying to find out."
"So, you don't know?" her breathing stilled suddenly – she'd found somewhere to direct emotion. "My child devotes her life to you and your organization, and all you can tell me is that she is somewhere in the entire universe?"
"Eliza," Kara's voice was the softest it had been since the launch. "Winn tracked its trajectory – he says she could be millions of lightyears away. We just can't know."
"No," Eliza pushed her foster daughter hands away, standing abruptly. "I don't want to hear this."
"Eliza, please," Kara voice cracked, a tear running the crease of her nose.
"No," dusting off her pants, the older women suddenly looked the picture of put together. "You come back when you can tell me something real."
Then it was J'onn who was doing the catching, Kara's knees folding in at the sound of the porch door slamming shut.
LOG: Day 59
PASSENGERS: 203
AUTHOR: DR ALEX DANVERS
[After the events of Gruuliv, it wasn't surprising that several dozen of our number decided to disembark at Cimenus. Some intend to settle here, or on other nearby planets. This system is well developed, travel between neighbors not unusual. Most of our crew have already had to re-start their lives once on Earth and doing so again is not as daunting a task.
Other's intended to find their own way home – I do not blame them. Too much has happened among this crew. During every night cycle I wake up to screams, nightmares of shared and individual ghosts haunting us.
Of those that have taken a separate course, many left letters and tokens for their loved ones. I have stored them on this drive and with my belongings. I promised that when we returned to Earth, I'd personally ensure they are delivered.
Lyron has obtained a new ship, and with it a pilot. His name is written "Scho'ty", though my vocal cords 'lack the necessary capacity to pronounce such a word'.
This ship is a marked improvement. There are actual sleeping quarters, kitchens and a medical unit. More importantly, the ship is faster and has a functioning weapons system. Scho'ty and Ella are making plans for upgrades, though I am specifically barred from discussions regarding operational matters. Much of the crew seems to be waiting for my sudden but inevitable betrayal.*
Unfortunately, nothing we could even remotely afford included lightspeed. Thus, we must travel the old-fashioned way – super slowly. Scho'ty estimates 13 month's Earth time, assuming no major delays. Which is unlikely, given that we must pick up trading jobs along the way to afford supplies. But we are on our way home.]
J'onn didn't bother flying Kara back to her own apartment. He led the mentally absent superhero right to her sister's window, waiting just long enough to ensure that she got in safely before taking off. He had his own grief to work through, and he would not burden his daughters any more than they already were.
Inside, it took Kara whole seconds to realize that someone was talking to her. Touching her.
"LD, what happened?" Soft voice. She'd heard Maggie use it on Alex a handful of times. Kara'd even wondered what it would be like to have that kind of affection directed solely at you.
Blinking, she realized that Lucy was also there, standing a couple feet back. Lucy, she knew, was less tactile. But no less affectionate – no less in love with her sister. "Kara?"
"I'm sorry," words tumbled out, but she didn't know where they came from. It's like she'd been hollowed out. All the stuff that made her up scooped up, leaving this shell, interrupting her sister's girlfriend's night. "I should go – I'm sorry."
"Whoa, whoa, no," Maggie said, tugging at the gripped arm. "No, you don't Little Danvers."
"Come here," Lucy, inclining her head towards the couch. The fireplace was roaring, TV muted.
"You're having an evening, I shouldn't-"
"You should and you will," Lucy. She was clearing away glasses, making room for them all on the couch that Maggie was leading her towards. Apparently, her feet were moving. Maggie navigated around the sofa, before sitting herself and tugging her after. Kara sat, not really connected the mechanics of her own body.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Lucy again, now equipped with a glass of water. Kara thought it was smart she placed it on the coffee table, not in her hand.
"No," Maggie squeezed her arm again. "I just…" Lucy was leaning against the arm of the couch, facing Kara directly but not touching. Maggie was seated next to her, thighs pressed together they were so close. The couple waited patiently. "Can I just…"
"You can stay as long as you need Kara," Lucy offered, bare foot burrowing under her thigh – something she'd done for several months now. Since… before. Contact, without feeling crowded.
"You always have a home here, Little Danvers."
LOG: Day 110
PASSENGERS: 190
AUTHOR: DR ALEX DANVERS
[My apologies for the long delay between entries. I am happy to report no loss of life, though over a dozen of our number have decided to settle on one of the planets we have docked at.
We entered another galaxy shortly after my last entry and have been doing trading jobs until we have enough fuel and supplies to attempt to cross the Hemithea Nebula (I attempt to spell these names phonetically using astrological terms as the English alphabet is not available here). Hemithea is the very large neighboring galaxy which must be crossed without docking, as that would be hazardous to life.
The politics of the ship seem to have tenuously settled over these last months. Lyron has established a chain of command, and people have been allocated positions. Responsibilities for cleaning, cooking, maintenance, travel and 'trading work' have been allocated, each with its own 'status'. I've even been assigned a couple of people who are medically trained on their home planets. We are working to create a biological-knowledge bank for the entire crew.
Boredom seems to be our predominant problem, as the crew anxiously awaits the decision to attempt a cross of the Hemithea. Though we have added several months to our travel time, I remain convinced we will return home.]