.4
"There was no place for me, so I had to make one for myself, and then I realized, I had a place, but I was the only one in it. I didn't know any other way to live."Inuyasha
….
People crave change. They also hate change. There is thin line between the two. Because change and staying stagnant we're of equal values but as different as black and white. That middle line, was a gray area consumed by indifference. People who frankly didn't care one way or another; people like me (there is no one like me).
I lived in the in between of liking and hating change, like many others. It was a daily struggle. Now I want to remind you of something, something that was said earlier. The things that happened, I never meant for them to. Those words were a lie.
You see no matter how much I claim to hate them, how much indifference I claimed to have because of them, I still wanted my brother to be happy. It was the most important thing, is the most important thing. Everything else would come second.
All this is said to say, that things are beginning to change. My brother has more people there for him now. It feels as if I have no place in this world. I shouldn't even have been here to start with.
I felt as if my life, this life, had not really matter in the grand scheme of things.
I think that perhaps I lack purpose. Up until this point it has been solely about making my brother happy, making sure he has a good life. But maybe I need another purpose. My shishou is raising his brow at me (we were supposed to be training) but I ignore him to continue in my thoughts. They offer me no comfort.
They usually didn't.
Did I want another purpose? Not particularly, I liked only having one thing to constantly worry over. It was a nice change from my previous life. On the other hand I hardly knew anyone in our age group and had isolated myself from the world. I needed a change, I just didn't want to. It was that gray area, indifference was the downfall of nations.
Shishou is standing over me now, his brow still raised. Why must he block the view of the clouds? What did he want from me? For that matter what did any of them want from me? I had yet to figure it out.
"Mitomi, what are you doing?" I blinked at him, sitting up slowly and then gave him a highly ill-amused look. He sighs at me. A reaction I had been getting a lot lately.
"Contemplating my existence." He then nods as if my answer is acceptable and takes a seat next to me in the grass.
"Do you want to talk about it?" My expression blanked, did I ever want to talk? No.
"No." I leaned back letting my arms support my upper body turning my face towards the cloudy sky. Did I have purpose now? My brother had other people who cared for him in his life now, did he even need me?
My shishou laid back in the grass using his arms to support his head. I think that he's given up on me today. We were supposed to be training but I just wasn't up to it. The thought of training made me sick, hiraishin training had been taking a lot out of me my new sempai was vindictive.
"Do I have purpose shishou?" He turned to look at me, his eyes had a funny look to them. My question must have startled him. I had said that I didn't want to talk about it.
"I believe so, you are here so you must have purpose." Says the survivor of brutal experimentation. Oh that was kind of dark, defiantly keeping it to myself. I ponder over his words.
"But what is it?" I just want to say that I do not generally asked such questions out loud or talk this much. But I am currently having a bit of an existential crisis so do forgive this out of character moment. He gives me a calculated look as if the question is something he himself has struggled with or that he is surprised by the sheer amount of words I have spoken. Either options was a liable reason for the look.
"I do not have the answer to that, only you do." I huffed, turning my eyes back to the clouds. But what was it? If my purpose was not to ensure my brother happiness then why was I here? Shishou wasn't very helpful when it came to more emotional concepts. Regardless I still adored him.
"Mitomi." Shishou calls my name softly, I blink before meeting his gaze.
"Hai shishou?" He seems to give me a once over, to check if I am all there together. I am not, but who am I to tell him that?
He is a perceptive, he undoubtedly knows this already.
"What brought along these thoughts?" Shishou sounds concerned, and I didn't know him capable. I bite my lip thinking. Where did this come from?
"I don't know, I'm just worried I don't have purpose now that Naruto has a team. Now that he had others in his life." Perhaps I was being disquieted or narcissistic, it was probably the narcissism… again. It had always just been us, but our relationship had started to become distant. My brother was a greater human than me. Shishou looks somewhat startled, if not by my words but then of how many I spoke. I did not speak in long sentences often.
"Have you talked to your brother about your feelings?" I shook my head. My brother was gone, on his first C-rank. We hadn't seen each other in a while. It felt like an eternity since he graduated, but in reality on a month had passed us by.
"No, he's on a mission." Shishou sighs but sits up. Probably wondering what he did to deserve such an odd student. I wonder sometimes myself, but then I'm reminded that he could control the beast and that is why we were brought together. Lucky for him.
"I suggest you talk to him about it. That will probably help, but until then try to think about something else." Distraction sounded nice actually. I nod my head.
"Do you want to see if I've improved any with the hiraishin?" He nods his head before pulling himself off the ground. I follow shortly after, this could prove to be entertaining.
"Shishou?" He looks over at me and my sprawled on the ground form. My body ached for the test. Probably ligament damage.
"Hai?" I close my eyes, trying to will the pain forming behind me temple away. Even though I knew it wasn't going to work.
"Thanks." He rolls his eyes, but nudges my foot a bit affectionately with his shoe. In my opinion at least.
"Get up, I'll treat you to dinner." It can't be helped, I smile at him.
I think it's important to take a second here and make a notation. Just a bit of information you might find interesting. My shishou, whose name I never say is a man with a troubling past and is a byproduct of the fact that people can change. An example that change can be good.
If you had not realized by now, I am a cynic, I don't believe in petty ideals of good concurs evil or that change is a natural progression of life. I am not convinced that people truly change. It is not possible, these are the things that I wish to believe. You can be good, or you could be evil, but you could not be both.
To be honest I didn't want to believe any differently, it's why my life was full of indifference because while you couldn't be both you most defiantly could be neither. I did not care, I had never cared and that was the truth. This is how I have always been, what I have always thought.
But my shishou, whose hands I had left my trust in to keep my brother safe, was a changed man. It is a datum to which I know only because of the knowledge that I should not even have. Because of my shishou I want to believe that change is possible, I want to believe that people can truly can change their nature.
But it is hard to let go of certain convictions. I had convince myself that people could not change, for the simple fact that I myself could not change my own nature. Perhaps I needn't worry so much on the things to which I had yet learned to control.
You may be wondering why this is important. I want to remind you of a few things.
Why? The question that I would forever be asking and answering.
I am fine. The biggest lie you will ever tell yourself, a lie I tell myself on a regular basis.
Family, a notion that will hurt you more than anything else. It would hurt you more than anything else.
I am a liar.
I haven't a clue as to what I am doing. I never knew to begin with.
Finally the last thing, the most important thing, even with my doubt of purpose was still my brother. I knew that would never change. It didn't account for change. That was a promise.
I never broke my word.
XOXOX
Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed this story! You guys are so awesome! I am glad that you like this. Even if I am still not entirely sure what this is, so thank you!
As always, I own nothing.
Sincerely, La'Rae
Please let me know what you think. Thank you for reading!
P.S completely unbeta'd so please forgive any grammar or spelling errors. I'll go back later to work on them. Maybe…