Bet you thought I forgot about you folks! I did not - here you go... the entire fic! Sorry, ff is very annoying to post on.
PERSONAL LOG: DR ALEX DANVERS, GL (#2)
- Co-Director J'onn J'onzz, DEO -
Alex was leaning, somewhat awkwardly, against the armrest when the camera blinked on. One foot was on the floor, while the other braced on the arm, her elbow on her knee as she scratched at the shaved side of her head. She was not looking at the camera, but off to the left of the frame as she listened to someone speak. Once they finished, she bit her lip to suppress a grin.
"I'll be there in a minute love," the smile could be heard in Alex's voice.
"Yeah, but I gotta be in the kitchen by the next light!" a younger voice shouted back.
"Well you best let me get on with it then, huh?" The single raised eyebrow seemed to preclude another response from out of frame and Alex chucked to herself, muttering "preteens" under her breath as she twisted around and into a more respectable seating position.
"Sorry," she smiled crookedly, "I promised Ky I'd take her down to the engine room while most of the upper command is on-world. But I also promised Freyer that I would try to do another video for you guys before the next cycle…"
Tugging her sleeves over her hands, Alex smiled into the lens, one of the more genuine smiles ever provided to these logs.
"I'm sorry I haven't done more of these," she paused, biting the inside of her cheek. "It's just hard. Trying to imagine talking to you guys. Formulate the words and sentences which might explain how much I miss you…" Her smile faded, as she breathed carefully through her nose, pressing a sleeve covered hand over her heart, rubbing absently.
"But Freyer said to talk like you were here, and that you will understand what I'm trying to say, just because I'm trying. She also said that… I was probably stalled because trying to unpack everything I feel for all of you at once was too… daunting. Too much for an afternoon." She smiled to herself, "too much for the quarter-light Ky is giving me before I am forcibly removed from the room."
"So… J'onn. I'm starting with you cause, I've been thinking about you a lot lately. You, and everything you did for me. I ah… I've been trying really hard to use what you taught me. I know this…" she dragged her hand through the air, "isn't actually what you had in mind when you plucked me outta that drunk tank, but I'm trying to be that person you told me I could be."
She smiled, nostalgia tainting her tone, eyes wandering. "But… you know, I've been thinking about that day a lot? There's a... lot of down time here. Do you remember what you told me? That I owed it to myself… that I owed it to my…" Running her tongue over her bottom lip and twisting the corners of her sleeves, Alex looked back with renewed vigor. "That I owed it to my father, not to throw my life down the drain."
"At the time… that's what I needed to hear. I know you know that, you probably," she tapped the side of her head knowingly. "But I didn't do it for him. Or even me, really, not at first. After a while… I didn't realize it, but I was doing it for you? Trying to prove that you made the right choice, that you were right when you chose me."
She chuckled, pausing to release her hands from their sleeve prisons, flexing her fingers out. "You kicked my ass every day, 12 hours a day, for five straight months in that stupid room. And somewhere along the way, I became someone strong. Someone I could be proud of. But, it was you, J'onn. You gave me purpose and a direction, and you were the first person who told me I was special," her voice cracked. "That I was worth something – something more than letters on a transcript, or in how my life could hide Kara's."
She inhaled shakily, eyes rimmed red. "You made me strong… strong enough to do everything I have to do to survive. To make sure these people have a chance at surviving. So… Thank you. For everything. For saving me and letting me save others. And believing in me, so that even when I doubt myself out here, I have someone else to lean on – who believed in me when there wasn't anything worth believing in."
Leaning back, she smiled, damp eyes crinkling just around the edges. "I miss you. Especially when everything goes to hell, and I can't just be the reckless asshole that goes solo to save the day… We know how well that worked the last time anyway. And I've caught myself thinking in circles about that whole thing. What if I had just listened to you? What if I had taken Kara as backup? Or even Maggie? What if I had called you ten minutes earlier? If only I'd talked Dad down, or stopped Lillian, or, or…" She leaned back with a sigh, glancing to the ceiling as if looking for answers written up there.
"I can practically hear you telling me about living with regret, and just making the next best decision you can, with the information at hand. But… I just itch to ask you for the appropriate, reasonable course of action, and actually listen this time. So, I try really hard to do what I think you'd want, instead of what my gut tells me to do… I think you'd be proud of me," she smiled sadly. "I hope your proud of me. Even after… everything that I have to do up here."
"Sometimes…" breathing in some more confidence, she started again. "Sometimes, I feel like I have to change up here as well. Just like in that room, four years ago. That I have to be stronger, be… something else entirely. Like I'm shedding an old skin for something tougher and… sometimes… sometimes…" she stuttered to a stop, heart faltering in her chest as she whispered a dark thought into existence. "Sometimes I think the Alex Danvers that got on that ship has to die, so that a more twisted version can make sure we get home."
"Allllleeeeeex! Come ON!" jerking up and looking away from the voice, she swiped a hand over her eyes, forcing a more neutral expression before she turned back.
"That was not a quarter-light," the forced cheer was thinly veiled, but the not-quite teenager that suddenly leaned into the shot clearly had other things on her mind. She rested her chin on the back of the chair, at the corner, so her profile was visible, and she could direct pleading eyes at the seated women.
Relaxed waves of dark hair falling to her chin obscuring most of her face. However, a wide whiskey colored eye was visible, including the hint of dampness, carefully calculated to add conviction to her begging – if only the slight curl of her lips didn't give away genuine excitement.
"Nah ah," Alex grinned, turning to give the girl her full attention, a genuine smile lighting her face. "You have no idea who you're messing with. My sister invented puppy-dog eyes – pack it in!" She playfully shoved a hand into the offending face, forcing a giggle from the girl who did indeed step away and drop the act.
Slipping behind the chair altogether, Ky looked directly into the camera with a grin. "You have my sincerest apologies family of Alex," Alex rolled her eyes, tilting her head directly back at a sharply awkward angle to try and watch Ky's antics. "For both the fact that you consider such a boring human a friend, AND for the fact that she has a previous engagement which requires her attention," she looked down sharply, the pair now facing each other, necks complaining at the angle as their faces became parallel with the floor. "And she proooooomised!"
"Okay, okay," huffing, Alex stood. Making sure to ruffle Ky's hair roughly, tugging on a handful so that she looked over at her. "Just give me a minute to sign off, alright?"
"Fiiiiine," but the girl grinned, already heading off the way she came and disappearing from the shot.
Alex didn't sit back down, but instead braced her hands on the table the camera was mounted on. "Alright, you heard the girl, I'm needed elsewhere," she softly laughed to herself. "And you shouldn't keep a lady waiting. I love you guys, and… I promise to do more of these."
Maggie wasn't home yet, which was odd because she had her schedule pinned to the fridge and her shift ended two hours ago. But in their line of work, shifts were unreliable things, and it was still early in the evening. So, Lucy wasn't worried.
Well, okay – Lucy was willing to admit that she was a little worried. But not the rational kind of worry that warranted endless phone calls and tracking the Detective's phone. The kind of worry she knew was born out of the fact that she'd already lost one girlfriend this year and she was not prepared to risk another.
So, it was irrational. Therefore, she could control herself. 100%.
Her worry had nothing to do with how she was now stress cleaning the bedroom. Nothing to do with how she organized, then reorganized the closet (ignoring how Alex's stuff was gradually shifting further back in the closet). She was definitely, 100% not giving the bed military corners even her father would be proud of, just because her girlfriend was going to be twenty minutes late to dinner.
The scrapping of the key in the lock had Lucy up in a shot – halfway down the bedroom stairs by the time Maggie shouldered her way in.
Dropping her gym bag at the door (which she knew drove Lucy nuts), she locked it behind her, briefly resting her forehead against the wood before turning.
"Hey Lane," she murmured, heading towards the fridge. "How was your day?"
"Where've you been?" She tried to keep accusation out of her voice, but she wasn't completely successful.
"Gym," she unscrewed a water bottle, taking a sip as she leaned back against the counter.
"For two hours?"
Maggie bit her lip, placing the bottle to the side. "Had some stuff to work out."
Oh god, Lucy's mind spun out. This is it – she's realized that I never belonged in this life – that she doesn't want me without Alex.
"What kind of stuff?" She tried to keep panic out of her voice, so it just came out strangled, crossing her arms against the incoming rejection.
"Me stuff," Maggie shrugged back, picking at the label.
"Care you share with the class?"
"Not really."
Silence.
Lucy felt her heart race, palms begin to sweat – Maggie, eyes fixed on the bottle in her hand, didn't seem to notice the escalating situation.
"Look, I get it– It was always you and Alex plus me, so don't even worry about it, okay?"
Maggie's head snapped up, a confused "what?" escaped her lips, but Lucy had already retreated into the bedroom. Putting the water to the side, she ventured around the island to get a better angle into the bedroom. "Lucy?"
But the sight of Lucy digging around in the just cleaned closet for her suitcase had Maggie up the stairs in a heartbeat – confused, worried eyes watching the other women carefully. "What is happening right now?"
Lucy threw her old army duffel into the center of the bed, already trying to think about her next move was. Her old lease was up – she'd taken the last of her possessions. Hadn't even been more than a single trip – furniture had come with the lease and almost everything had migrated already. James' maybe?
"Lane, stop," Maggie was suddenly in front of her blocking the closet, hands raised in surrender. "What's the matter? What are you doing?"
"Look, Sawyer, we don't have to drag this out," she said, eyes elsewhere, hands trembling.
"Drag what out?" Cautious half step forward, ducking to catch her eyes. Carefully not making physical contact, not when Lucy was so clearly upset.
"You're ending us, right? That's why you've been gone before I wake up every day this week, coming home later and later, shutting me out."
Eyes wide and horrified, Maggie took another half step closer. "No! No, that's not it at all."
Lucy kept her arms locked around herself, grinding her teeth against any tears.
"Lane, look at me, hey," Maggie's fingers were phantom touches against her chin, but it worked, burning eyes locked with apologetic ones. "That's not it at all, okay? I'm not leaving you, ever. I lo… I want to be with you, Lucy."
She kept suspicious eyes on Maggie but relaxed her shoulders an inch.
"I… I'm so sorry I made you feel like this was even an option. I never want you to think that I don't want you, okay?"
Luck swallowed her insecurity. "I know that I haven't been the easiest to live with recently."
"Hey, no –" Maggie shook her head, left dimple popping as she frowned, fighting tears. "You're fine. This situation is impossible – you're allowed to feel whatever it is your feeling Luce."
"Then what's going on with you?"
A long pause, Maggie crossing her own arms. Shut herself down.
"Nothing," she muttered, shaking her head. "Don't worry about it."
"Sawyer," dropping her hands. "If I have to feel my feelings, so do you."
"Look," she stepped to the side, looking ready to leave the room, as if there was anywhere to hide in this stupid open space. "It's nothing okay? Just had some stuff to work through.
"Whoa," grabbing a retreating wrist, the Director tugged until she turned her body back towards her. After a long moment of Maggie just staring at the ground, ignoring the increasingly worried eyes, Lucy pulled the captured wrist to their eye level. "Does whatever this is have something to do with why you're not wrapping your hands on the heavy bag anymore?"
Brows furrowed further, and she half-heartedly attempted to tug her hand away, but Maggie didn't disagree.
Placing a kiss to the red, angry knuckles, Lucy stepped right into the other women's space. Using her other hand to touch under her chin, waiting until Maggie locked eyes with her.
"I know you don't like talking about yourself, but if something is bothering you, I want to help."
In the silence that stretched out, Lucy watched in mild surprise as Maggie's eyes grew red, and glassy, even as her jaw clenched against it. She could count on one hand the time's she'd seen Maggie Sawyer cry.
"Mags," she breathed, finally giving up the pretense of space and dragging her girlfriend into her arms. Tucking her arms around the women's neck, she pressed her face against her hair. After a moment's hesitation, she felt a forehead notch itself into her neck, arms locking around her waist. They stood there for minutes, allowing Maggie the time to control her shuddered breathing and shaking hands – time to swallow whatever it was that was overwhelming her.
Tugging herself away, she looked away and wiped at the few escaped tears.
"Come here," retrieving her lost wrist, Lucy tugged the other women all the way onto the bed until she was sitting against the headboard, Maggie tucked against her side, arm over her waist. "If you really don't want to talk about it, I won't make you. But sometimes it's easier to talk without having to look at the other person. So, we'll just sit here and snuggle until you're ready to order dinner, or we can talk. No pressure either way, yeah?"
She tucked a stray lock of hair behind the women's ear before sinking more heavily into the pillows, her arm wrapped around Maggie's back drawing absent minded patterns over her shirt.
"Its my fault," fingers froze for only a moment. "Alex… I should have gone with her after we got the location. I should have been there with her."
Her girlfriends harsh breathed confession made her want to crumble. Made her want to shower her in reassurances and love – but Maggie had been holding this in for almost five months. She needed to get it all out.
"She was just so sure she could save them – save everyone. And she always had – I didn't really think anything could ever actually happen to her. So I stayed behind, just so I could give the DEO a heads up – but I failed! She-" Maggie's entire body started to heave with her sobs, but Lucy just squeezed tighter, letting her get it all out. "She got on that ship alone and I let her. I should have told her not to go after Jeramiah or… or told you what we were planning or Kara or J'onn – but I didn't and now she's gone."
Alex's shirt, that Lucy stole for cleaning, was balled between a fist, Maggie completely dissolving against her side. Choked tears falling freely – finally letting it go.
After several minutes, while Maggie used the heartbeat against her ear to try regulate her breathing, Lucy pressed a kiss against loose brown hair. "I don't know if you know this, but Alex Danvers has never been someone who lets anything get in the way of a plan."
The crying girl was shaking her head, but she pushed on. "Whether you had been there or not, there was nothing anyone could do. If you hadn't helped and tipped us off, we might not have even known there was a ship leaving the atmosphere. Kara might have been even later, and Alex would still be gone. It was not your fault."
Fresh tears were falling, and she kept shaking her head. "Alex was going to do what Alex was going to do. The moment she decided that she needed to stop her father, everyone around her was helpless to do anything about it. Do you blame J'onn, because he benched her? Or Kara because she couldn't stop the ship? Hell, even me, 'cause I didn't back you guys?"
"No! Never, no," Maggie pulled away enough to lock eyes, make sure that Lucy understood that this guilt – it rested with her alone.
Pressing a hand to her wet cheek, Lucy curled a lip, eyes loving and worried – "Then stop blaming yourself. There is nothing you could have done. This isn't your fault, Mags."
Squeezing her eyes closed against the reassurance, more tears escaped. Lifting her other hand to cradle the Detectives face, she waited for her to open her eyes again. "Seems we've both been carrying around a lot of stuff, huh?"
A single, choked, laugh escaped so Lucy took the opportunity to lean a little closer, pressing their foreheads together. "I think we need to work on our communication – Without Alex here to chaotically smash through emotional doors I think we got complacent."
Laughing again, even through a couple more tears, Maggie offered a more genuine smile.
"So how about, we both agree that from now on we try to talk about our feelings, like the grown ass women we are, hmmm?"
"I can certainly try."
"Good. Because it's started raining and Kara was on patrol so she's probably going to show up soaking wet any minute and we need to order extra pot stickers," another laugh and smile.
Smiling back, she pressed their lips together. The kiss was salty and wet, but also soft and full of love. Maggie's hands coming up to tangle in her shirt, bruised knuckles brushing Lucy's abdomen. It probably would've gone on longer, but the window was suddenly opening. Kara, already babbling about Jack Spheer and Lena being too good for him, landed in their kitchen, dripping wet.
So, the couple broke apart, smiling softly at each other, backed in their love for one final moment. They had a soggy Kryptonian to take care of.
PERSONAL LOG: DR ALEX DANVERS, GL (#3)
- Agent Winslow Schott II, DEO -
The room was bathed in the muted night cycle lighting when the camera clicked on. It tinted the room orange, and cast shadows over Alex's face, hunched over as she was. Instead of her uniform she was dressed only in a tank top, loose pants and a blanket which she draped over her shoulders. Her hands fisted in the corners of the warm material, drawing it tighter around herself as if to keep out an impossible chill.
For a minute she didn't move, eyes trained in her crossed legs, breathing evenly, carefully.
When she looked up, the rooms red tint highlighted the tracks on her face. "Winn," her voice broke on the word immediately, and she looked back down. Breathing for another minute, slow, steady, deliberate, she tried again. "Winn," her voice still broke, but she pushed through. "I miss you so much. And… and I don't know if I deserve that privilege."
"When I think about what I could have done differently, I always circle back to that last conversation we had in central command. Or… I guess not a conversation. The last time we spoke…" the blanket pulled tighter. "It's one of the things that I regret most. And I regret… so much about what happened, Winn, but the fact that I-"
Tears choked the words from her, and a single broken sob echoed in the room. "The fact that I was the reason you hurt so much… that you lost Lyra and you knew that it was my fault. Mine, and my fathers. And I just… You were so angry and scared and I just wish I had backed you Winn. I wish I could go back and…"
Alex looked up and away, clenching her jaw uselessly as fresh tears escaped. "I am just so sorry for my role… in everything that happened. I am so sorry that I couldn't fix everything, like I promised. And I just- I just miss you so much. I wouldn't have admitted it under oath, but you… you're my brother Winn. The little brother that I never knew I wanted, and I didn't protect you- I… I let you down and… I just wish I could take it all back. Wish I had done something, anything differently… I should have protected you… I should have saved her… I'm so sorry Winn- I… I…"
Her voice completely dissolved, gasping breaths echoing around the room as Alex lost her composure in the middle of the night cycle. Alone, and desperate for a brother's forgiveness which she may never receive.
Watching Lena talk about her ex had been an experience. A confusing, mystifying, upsetting experience. The curling in her stomach at Lena's smile when she spoke of their garage experiments; the ache behind her eyes when Lena gasped in wonder at his invention; the clenching of her jaw when she overheard him asking her out for dinner. All very confusing, and it made the overwhelming urge to call Alex that much harder.
But as weird as that all felt, the sorrow and pain at the decision Lena made, to save her life, remained. As much as she didn't understand her own reaction, Lena needed someone. And Kara was that someone. So here she stood, pushing into the CEO's office, ignoring the fluttering in her gut.
Lena's voice was mechanical when she spoke, body stiff at the chair. "Those are beautiful."
She flexed her jaw but pushed on. "I wish there was more I could do to help," Kara murmured back, placing the sad flowers she'd bought down on her coffee table.
"No, you came to see me, that's more than enough," Kara winced at the implication that no one else had come by. That no one else knew this woman was hurting. For all Kara's lifetime of heartache, she'd never had to do it alone.
"Beth is in jail-"
"Good." Her eyes narrowed, just a little.
Softening her own expression, Kara sat down next to her on the too white sofa in the too cold office. "How are you holding up?" A question she'd received in all its forms over the last four months, and never had an answer for. But it's just what humans said.
Lena's eyes were absent when she responded, and Kara understood the feeling. "When Lex was arrested, my mother was there. She saw her son dragged, bleeding and raving from her house. And when I got there, Lillian was tidying his room like he'd been away on a business trip." She paused, eyes shining and took a single breath to control the reaction.
"That's how I feel. Cold and calm," then ice entered her eyes. "Until I think about Beth dying in jail, and then I feel warm for a minute."
Kara thought about what her reaction would have been four months ago – Before. She thought about how she'd probably have told Lena she was in shock, and she couldn't possibly want that – feel that.
"I understand," she practically whispered back. Because she did – because the thought of Lillian Luthor or Cadmus (or Jeramiah, in her darker moments) made her blood turn cold and rage boil in her heart.
"Oh god, Kara," steel fled her eyes, and horror filled them. "I… I didn't even think about Lillian, and Alex, I'm-"
"Hey, no. You're okay. Loss does strange things to people, don't worry."
A pause. "Loss does strange things to my family, and I've lost a lot of people."
Kara nodded. Nodded and empathized and thought about her own dead planet and lost love. Put an arm behind her on the couch carefully, arm draping over her shoulder. "Well, you're not gonna lose me. I'm not going anywhere"
"Promise?"
"I will always be your friend," Kara breathed, pressing the side of her head against Lena's, breathing in her expensive perfume and absorbing the slight tremor of her body. "And I will always protect you." Swallowing her own doubt, her own loss, her own failure – the what if's – she let a tear escape. "I promise," and this time she hoped she could keep it.